UPJOKE
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Cover Jokes

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

A man's car is covered in blood and tree leaves

Police officer: what's with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck...

I heard a bunch of former soviet space engineers started an 80's cover band...

they called themselves Buran Buran

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

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I had to cover my coworker's shift at work today. she said she couldn't come in because she was too constipated.

But I think she's full of crap.

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea", I replied, "We can cover more ground that way."

Today I'm making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.

It will be a challenge because I've never been covered in breadcrumbs before.

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

A biker stops by the local Harley-Davison shop to have his bike repaired.

They couldn’t fix it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the farm store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside t...

Another blonde joke

A man goes to the bar after work. The 7 o’clock news comes on the TV, there is a reporter covering a story of a man on ledge on one of downtown high rises. The man turns to the blonde sitting next to him at the bar and says, “I bet you $50” that he jumps. “Okay, you’re on, I’ll take that bet” says t...

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover is that math text books have pictures of kids having fun on the front.

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

It’s tough finding journalists qualified to report on rhythm sections

They need to cover all the basses and can’t miss a beat.



I'm reposting this joke until somebody finds it funny beside me.

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

A mummy has just been discovered in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

Archaeologists believe it may be the Pharaoh Roche.

Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God....

It says 'Dear God. If I'm good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?'

He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. 'Dea...

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"Long Shots" (long)

A bartender was tending his bar, as one does, when a drunk patron approaches him and orders a pint of beer, plus a couple shots for himself and the bartender... The bar was relatively unpopulated, save for a few sitting along the bar and a booth of 5 gentlemen in the far corner, loudly joking and la...

Gastroenterology Jokes

Looking for good GI jokes. That’d make a GI doctor laugh!

—-

Good ones I have

—-

A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon

It was a week before I realised you have to eat them

——

what do you call a fake gluten intolerance?

a sill...

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A guy walks into a bar without money…

He asks the bartender if he can get a free drink. The bartender kindly replies there are no free drinks on offer, but he could actually try the challenge and win free drinks for the rest of his life…

Naturally, the guy is interested; ‘So tell me about that challenge!’

The bartender exp...

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The Bishop and the donkey

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to ...

Classic woman meets a man . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, w...

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A Major and a Priest wake up...

A Major and a Priest wake up hungover and butt naked in a bush. After getting up, a group of people walk past them. The Priest quckly coveres his private parts with his hands. Meanwhile, the Major only covers his face. After the people are gone, the priest is upset and asks the major why he didn't c...

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

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An upset man has filed a lawsuit against Nirvana over the band's iconic 1991 album cover.

Sounds like a baby just trying to grab some money.

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

there wasn’t a hare on his head

What's long and thin, covered with skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?

Rhubarb!

I like my camgirls like I like my French fries.

Steaming hot and covered in oil.

On his first ever flight, a nervous man who was scared of flying sat next to a heavily tattooed and smelly giant of a man.

Unfortunately, during the flight the timid little fellow ended up getting physically sick. But since the large man was now fast asleep, and was between him and aisle, his way to the bathroom was blocked.

Suddenly it was too late, and he vomited all over the sleeping man. Quickly he tried t...

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After a stormy night...

... next to a small fishing village, a corpse is found on the shore.

Since most men are out fishing, and are expected not to return for a week, the authorities try to identify the dead body. To complicate things, the only part of the body that's not ruined from the exposure to the elements, ...

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.

We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

For fashion week, Paris covered the famous Eiffel Tower in camouflage

I'll be honest, I don't see the attraction.

Why was Seal’s face covered in Mexican rice?

Because he was kissed by arroz.

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

I'm going to travel to Prague

Once there, I will enter a bank, and cover the floor with trampolines.

They'll have to deal with a bunch of bouncing Czechs.

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

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There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

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A guy goes to see his doctor

"I'm stressed out by the most simple social interactions," he says.

"Very common," says his doctor. "I'll write you a prescription. Your insurance covers that."

"Sometimes I hear voices telling me to hurt myself and others," he says.

"That's fine as well," says the doctor, scrat...

My wife bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary and it's just what I always wanted

I'd like to thank her, but I can't find the words

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed.

AlgaeBTQ

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

One nun urgently needed a restroom...

so she went to a local bar. It was very noisy there, but when the visitors saw the nun, dead silence reigned. The woman approached the bartender and asked:
- Can I use the restroom?
The bartender replied:
- Of course, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man, whose "ch...

Farmer Murphy and the Brit

Farmer Murphy is working on his fence when a British tourist startled him by honking his car’s horn.

"I say," asked the Brit "does this road go to the Castle?"

"I do believe it does. Just keep on as you were." Farmer Murphy goes back to his business. About 10 minutes later, the Brit ...

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A woman joins a country club

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a....

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My friend asked me "What's your favorite album?"

I said "It's the one with a baby's penis on the cover".

He said "Nevermind."

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

Did any of you hear about what happened when the kitchen floor in Heaven got covered in crumbs?

Jesus swept.

A Topologist comes into work covered in coffee.

His colleague says "Oh no! Did you spill your donut?"

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Therefore 69 is dirty.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

I've just checked my home insurance policy

and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

Hell, Michigan

Roads in the state of Michigan were in terrible shape due to weather and wear, but no are suffered more than the little town of Hell- a tourist trap that depended on traffic for income.

The mayor of Hell began to research potential repairs for their roads. One interested party was a man name...

Two cowboys had been separated from their horses, their herd, and their fellow cowboys.

They hadn't eaten much for two days and they were getting hungry. All of a sudden, the first cowboy saw what looked to be a tree covered in bacon. "A bacon tree!" he shouted, "we're saved!". Both of the cowboy ran to the tree and gazed adoringly and in hunger at the branches. All of a sudden they we...

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

My home was wrecked by a tornado taking my PC with it, I found the thing covered in glass and everything was unsalvageable aside from a stick of ram

At least I have the memory of it

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing and we eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel, crushed oreos and chocolate flakes

Apparently he topped himself!

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Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store.

Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store and worked in it daily, alternating lunchtimes so they could cover all hours. One day, Steve returned from his lunch to an excited Bob.

"Steve, we made a $300 sale, but there's good and bad news!", Bob said upon his return.

"Okay Bob, giv...

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

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How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

A Penguin takes his car to the shop

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.

I sure hope Elon musk’s $50,000 house isn’t part of another cover-up scandal

Elongate would be very drawn out.

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked whe...

Fishin'

A man is at the river standing on the bank, fishing. He's there all day and doesn't even get a bite. He looks at the other bank and sees a woman pulling up TWO full stringers of fish!

Next day, he goes fishing and goes to the exact spot the woman was the day before. All day. Nothing. Not...

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

The talking horse

A man is riding his moped on a dark evening along the countryside. At some point his moped's engine starts to stutter and dies. He's now forced to push his moped along this poorly lit road all the way till he gets home.

At some point, somewhere out of the dark, he hears a voice yelling "greas...

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

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Two guys decided to get drunk...

...on top of the roof.

While climbing there one guy dropped the ladder, but the other assured him when they're drunk, coming down would not be an issue.

After having drunk for hours, they finally decided to try and get down. One guy saw a pile of human fertilizer and decided that landi...

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

A man sees his friend covered in blood and scratches

A man was walking and see his friend clearly exhausted, scratched and covered in blood.

- What happened to you?

- Well, I just came back from burying my mother in law.

- Sorry to hear that, but how does that explain your injuries?

- ... She didn't want to.

I tried to make an ABBA cover band using entirely woodwind

Unfortunately, the world just wasn't ready for OBBO.

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

A nun puts on and takes off her hair cover over and over and over.

It was her habit.

When my father started getting ill his doctor told him to cover the back of his legs and his entire back in lots of goose fat

I swear, he really went downhill fast after that

Hi-Tech Tire Flat Joke, revisited

I got a flat in a high-tech tire on my bicycle.

I contacted the manufacturer, and they downloaded a patch.

Unfortunately, it was a cheap, 2-bit patch

Only covered a quarter of the byte the dog took out of my tire.

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

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What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

 

________
*^(Condom: “You need to lay off those action movies, Richard!”)*

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What’s the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a butt plug covered in superglue?

One wants to heal your soul for money.

The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Never judge a book by its cover.

Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

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