This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you're looking for a slutty Halloween costume...

Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

Now I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

My wife told me these types of blanktes she is ordering perfectly cover our bed. I replied,

"Oh duvet?"

Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs?

Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs.

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

Who is the drummer for the Austrialian Beatles cover band?

ɹɐʇs oƃuᴉp

The German Shepherd cover up...

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died ...

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

A group of veterans decided to put out a cover of an Aretha Franklin song

They're calling it RESPTSD .

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Did you know that Harry Potter sold so many books it is possible to cover all of Brazil with them?

They also did it when they were in tree form

A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go skinny dipping in a remote lake

All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi‘s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation.

Their clothes are on the other side of the lake, so they don’t have time to retrieve them. Both decide to just make a run for it.

The priest, r...

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

I'm about to be fired from a Sublime cover band...

I don't practice Santeria.

An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

My girlfriend: “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”

“Good idea,” I said, “We can cover more ground that way.”

Why will the "Reddit Book" be missing a cover?

Because you only start at the front page

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood. Kids use to cover me in chocolate and frosting and put cherries on my head.

Life was tough in the gateau.

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

What was the name of Iran’s first 80’s cover band ?

Quran Quran

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel

She’s a dominatwix

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

You can’t judge a book by its cover

Now you can’t even assume it’s a book

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex...

It really thins out the congestion.

R/News

that about covers it

After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while naked...

As they run, the first guy covers his genitals and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"

The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my genitals"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

My response any time my boss tells me they need people to help cover shifts this week:

That sounds like a personnel problem.

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

3 men are in line for heaven

So three men are in the line for heaven and there is a new rule. When you approach the gates you have to say how you died and then you get in

So in the line, there are two fully dressed men and then a naked man

The angel says please come up and a dressed man does

The angel sa...

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When I lived in Rome I started a Blink-182 cover band...

We called it Blink-CLXXXII

Reddit should all come together and create a film starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep about a newspaper uncovering a US government cover up.

It would be the greatest rePost of all time.

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heard about the new condoms that just cover the head of the penis?

They're called Weenie Beanies

There is a Malaysian '80s cover band called "The Union."

What were they thinking, not going with "Durian Durian"?

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

I'm going to cover my whole body in gift-wrap.

Then I can say I'm truly living in the present.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives... [NSFW]

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are stranded on a desert island. (Long) (NSFW)

Three men wash up on a desert island. They don’t know each other and don’t know where they are. Soon, they get very hungry. They go into the island to see if they can find any food. They happen to stumble upon an enormous cache of perfectly ripe fruits. They eat to their heart’s delight, and when th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

How do you cover a doctor's mistake?

With soil.

What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Sq...

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t autocorrect...

A Muslim band just released a cover song

It’s called Jihad Me At Hello

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

I need to put my phone in a cover

Just in case

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her son is curious what her mom and that stranger are doing so he hides in the wardrobe.

Suddenly the husband comes home. She doesn't know her son is already hiding in the wardrobe when she sends her lover in there.

Son: "Dark in here, huh?"

Lover: "Ye"

Son: "I got a baseball bat"

Lover: "So?"

Son: "You're going to buy it for 250$ or I'm going to blow...

You stupid idiots; I said cover your faeces

-- Love from Allah.

Fifty!

Bob is strolling down the sidewalk along Main Street when he encounters another man, out in the street, jumping up and down on a manhole cover, yelling "Fifty!" with every jump.

Intrigued, Bob approaches the man and asks him, "Good sir, for what good reason are you jumping on this manhole co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you put spaghetti to sleep?

You cover it in peanut butter until it dies.


My 4 year old made that up, along with a few others. Not sure how I feel about this.

You shouldn't judge a book by its cover...

Unless it's a book about making good first impressions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy wakes up with a massive hangover...

When he wakes up, he sees a glass of water and some tylenols, with a little piece of paper with a message on it: Take this, honey, you'll feel better!''

The guy gets up, and goes down to the dining room, and notices his son, eating breakfast.

-Oh hi dad! Mom has alreday left for work...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Trumps Hair and a Thong have in common..?

They both barely cover the asshole.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in a terrible car accident...

And he loses the use of his penis. He has a consult with the doctors and they inform him technology has advanced enough that they could fabricate a new functional penis for him, and insurance would cover it. Or, alternatively, insurance will cut him a check and he can go elsewhere and get a 2nd opin...

Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.

Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.

I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a ...

Hindsight

A husband and wife were living in Colorado. He enjoyed outdoor activities and loved going snow skiing in the wintertime. She was a bit of a homebody and preferred a quiet afternoon with a book.

One weekend in February, after a few hours of pleading, the husband convinced his wife to drive up ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today my jerk colleague at work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger, and told him to use a swimming suit like all people do.

a man meet his friend

sitting on a rock in the middle of his living room. as they're carrying it outside the man says :

\- man why was that rock here ?

\- because of the genie in this bottle

\- a genie ?!

he takes the bottle and a genie gets out and says :

\- i can grant you one wish...

Cruel March Madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men’s NCAA tournament pool, you’ll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to co...

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

​

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

​

This took a lot of time, so she boug...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] One day I went waterfowl hunting...

As I sat still in my boat, I quietly scanned the area. I heard a rustling in the bushes along the shore. As I looked over to where I heard the noise, I saw two beautiful Mallards step out of from the cover of the shrubbery. As they were walking they stopped briefly and started pooping. I knew this w...

How many guitarists does it take to cover 'Dust In The Wind'?

Evidently all of them.

Just like people, I never judge a book by its cover...

Unless that cover is brown. In which case I roll up my windows and lock my car doors.

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

I used to work as a bed salesman

One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.