UPJOKE
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Cover Jokes

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

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How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

A man seeks cover in a cabin from the winter storm.

Very NSFW!

Allright, so this is a story from Norway.

It is a dark night in the winter. A small cabin is barely visible through the snow drift. A lone man, the cabin owner, sits in front of the fireplace. What little light there is comes from the fireplace and a few dim candles.
...

If a jockstrap covers a gentleman's genitals, but leaves the rear open, what do you call something that just covers the rear?

A manhole cover

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doi...

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.

Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

What do you call Nicki Minaj covered in sand?

A bad beach

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

How do you cover a doctor's mistake?

With soil.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself."

I have a suspicion that my wife keeps covering my antique weapons in glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

What do you call an impatient man from Bangkok who moved to the capital city of the Republic of China for a writing job, got kidnapped, covered in multicolored paint and restrained with rope?

A tied-up, tye-dyed, Type-A, Taipei-Thai typist.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

A man's car is covered in blood and tree leaves

Police officer: what's with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

Today I'm making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.

It will be a challenge because I've never been covered in breadcrumbs before.

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I designed an album cover.

For Eric Clapton. He shouted at me because he didn't like the typeface.

He said >!I forgot the serif and the font looks like a Calibri!<.

The knight struts proudly into the court, sword bloody and armor covered in gore

"Sire, I have returned," he proclaims, "from my long arduous campaign, pillaging your enemies to the west."

"But we don't *have* any enemies to the west," the king says puzzled.

"Well, you do now."

I heard a bunch of former soviet space engineers started an 80's cover band...

they called themselves Buran Buran

What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed.

AlgaeBTQ

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

A Topologist comes into work covered in coffee.

His colleague says "Oh no! Did you spill your donut?"

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover is that math text books have pictures of kids having fun on the front.

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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

Never judge a book by its cover.

Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings...

You know she's a keeper...

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.

Why was Seal’s face covered in Mexican rice?

Because he was kissed by arroz.

For fashion week, Paris covered the famous Eiffel Tower in camouflage

I'll be honest, I don't see the attraction.

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What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole.

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck...

Recently joined a Styx cover band

We play the same songs, but heavier. We’re called Logz.

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A priest and a rabbi are spending a day off together at a lake..

Since they're alone, they decide to swim naked as god intended..

Just as they leave the water, two busses pull up, parking right in front of them. Members of the priest's parish pour out of the first bus, members of the rabbi's parish pour out of the other.

In shock, with nowhere to h...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..

I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"

A man sees his friend covered in blood and scratches

A man was walking and see his friend clearly exhausted, scratched and covered in blood.

- What happened to you?

- Well, I just came back from burying my mother in law.

- Sorry to hear that, but how does that explain your injuries?

- ... She didn't want to.

This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.

We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.

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I had to cover my coworker's shift at work today. she said she couldn't come in because she was too constipated.

But I think she's full of crap.

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An upset man has filed a lawsuit against Nirvana over the band's iconic 1991 album cover.

Sounds like a baby just trying to grab some money.

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Why did the mermaid cover her breasts with seashells?

She outgrew her B shells.

I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...

My wife told be that would be infant tile.

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

My friend covered their walls with whiteboard paint

I’ve never seen something so remarkable

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A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

My wife bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary and it's just what I always wanted

I'd like to thank her, but I can't find the words

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Therefore 69 is dirty.

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

What do you call a young plastic covered sheep?

Laminated

The German Shepherd cover up...

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died ...

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled

so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."

If a arm covered in tattoos is called a "sleeve", what do you call a full body covered in tattoos?

A mistake.

Why is Mozart's dead body covered in maggots?

Maggots are "decomposers."

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Why did the man cover himself in fake shit?

Because it was _sham poo_

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

A nun puts on and takes off her hair cover over and over and over.

It was her habit.

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

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I can't believe there's now jewelry you can cover your cat's anus with?

It's a catastrophe.

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What do you call a chicken covered in peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

Why did Thor cover Iron Man's back?

Because he is an Asgardian.

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

I sure hope Elon musk’s $50,000 house isn’t part of another cover-up scandal

Elongate would be very drawn out.

Saw a guy in Toronto this morning, his boots were covered in snow.

Had to ask him:

Don't you think they're pretty caked eh?

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

Did any of you hear about what happened when the kitchen floor in Heaven got covered in crumbs?

Jesus swept.

What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen?

Moscow.

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.

They're called ABBA Trois

Did you guys see Rick Astley cover Everlong?

He's never gonna give Foo up.

The other day my girlfriend approached me and said "I'm sick of you always pretending to be a private eye, we should split up."

I said "Good idea, we can cover more ground."

Why did the sick man cover himself in ticks?

He wanted some Lyme with his Corona

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the road when Paddy falls down an man hole with the cover missing.

Murphy yells 'Jesus Paddy, have you broken anything '

Paddy shouts back 'No, there's nothing down here to break'

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

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A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them...

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves".

The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees.

Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere see...

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

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When having sex i cover my gf with excel documents..

I like to spread-that-sheet.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Why did the templar wake up covered in sweat?

He had a knightmare.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Where can you find a beach covered with frozen waffles?

Sandy Eggo

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What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in."

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

Is it ok if I cover you with this shroud?

No Way! "Over my dead body!"

People with masks that don't cover their nose don't really bother me...

they're all mouth-breathers anyway.

What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants?

My ice cream cone. =(

*Inspired by actual events.

Can you cover for me/

I missed my shift.

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A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.

"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."

"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.

"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into ano...

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