A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

Whenever I receive a nude picture, as a respectful gentleman I suggest that they cover up and show themselves some self respect

Go ahead, ladies, send me a nude and see what I say.

I don’t accept nudes, I tell the girls to cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say

Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in?

He was kermitting sewercide.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

Now I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

My wife told me these types of blanktes she is ordering perfectly cover our bed. I replied,

"Oh duvet?"

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you're looking for a slutty Halloween costume...

Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.

Why does Kidz Bop cover Drake songs?

Because Drake's girlfriends have to have a age appropriate way to listen to his songs.

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

Who is the drummer for the Austrialian Beatles cover band?

ɹɐʇs oƃuᴉp

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

The German Shepherd cover up...

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died ...

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Did you know that Harry Potter sold so many books it is possible to cover all of Brazil with them?

They also did it when they were in tree form

I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head

Life was hard in the gateau

An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

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Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

A group of veterans decided to put out a cover of an Aretha Franklin song

They're calling it RESPTSD .

Why will the "Reddit Book" be missing a cover?

Because you only start at the front page

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Donald Trump's hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

I'm about to be fired from a Sublime cover band...

I don't practice Santeria.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel

She’s a dominatwix

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

What was the name of Iran’s first 80’s cover band ?

Quran Quran

You can’t judge a book by its cover

Now you can’t even assume it’s a book

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

R/News

that about covers it

After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while naked...

As they run, the first guy covers his genitals and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"

The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my genitals"

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex...

It really thins out the congestion.

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

My response any time my boss tells me they need people to help cover shifts this week:

That sounds like a personnel problem.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I lived in Rome I started a Blink-182 cover band...

We called it Blink-CLXXXII

Reddit should all come together and create a film starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep about a newspaper uncovering a US government cover up.

It would be the greatest rePost of all time.

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

There is a Malaysian '80s cover band called "The Union."

What were they thinking, not going with "Durian Durian"?

A man is taking an eye exam, but is terrified of letters

During the eye exam, the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read out all the letters from top to bottom.

Man: I can't, I am terribly afraid of random letters.

Doctor: You are?

Man: [Screams]

Doctor: Oh, I see..

Man: [Screams louder]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do birds have feathers?

To cover their butt-quacks.

..dad jokes for life!

A frog goes Into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Patricia Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In town and all alone!!!

Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age. So she decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages”.


She looked through the phone bo...

How do you cover a doctor's mistake?

With soil.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

I'm going to cover my whole body in gift-wrap.

Then I can say I'm truly living in the present.

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said “Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?”

“No, I didn’t know that.” The man replied.

“So what color are your wife’s eyes?” asked the friend.

The man replied, “I’m too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out.”

So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife’s ey...

I need to put my phone in a cover

Just in case

Two guys at a bus stop NSFW

One of them was saying to the other: "Emma comes first, then I come. Then two asses come together, then I come again. The two asses, they come together again. I come again, pee twice then I come again."

A woman holding a small child's hand covers her child's ears and tells them off in a stat...

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

A Muslim band just released a cover song

It’s called Jihad Me At Hello

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

You stupid idiots; I said cover your faeces

-- Love from Allah.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you put spaghetti to sleep?

You cover it in peanut butter until it dies.


My 4 year old made that up, along with a few others. Not sure how I feel about this.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

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