A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

Why did Thor cover Iron Man's back?

Because he is an Asgardian.

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[NSFW] A little boy crawls under the covers while his parents are asleep

The dad wakes up and notices the boy is staring in between the mothers legs.
"What's that dad?" Asks the boy inquisitively.
"It's a pussy and a cunt" replies the dad.
"Can I touch it?" Asks the boy
"NO!" Shouts the dad. "If you touch the pussy the cunt will wake up!"

Chapman To (a Hong Kong comedian): Back in the past we used to cough to cover our farts

Now we have to fart to cover our cough

What did the block mason say before he fired his employee for doing a poor job making sewer covers?

I'm about to end his manhole's career

I'm putting together a Christian Metallica all puppet cover band.

Gonna call it Pastor of Muppets

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A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them...

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves".

The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees.

Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere see...

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When having sex i cover my gf with excel documents..

I like to spread-that-sheet.

(OC)) If some impish scamps did a hip hop cover of the Booker T. and the M.G.'s song Green Onions...

...would they be Rap Scallions?

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

An ice cream man has been found dead covered in hundreds and thousands...

The police think he topped himself.

If the government is covering up knowledge of aliens,

they are doing a better job of it than they do at anything else.

2 cowboys are walking through the desert. One of them sees a tree covered in bacon and runs towards it.

He is instantly shot. Because this was no bacon tree. This. Was a *ham bush.*

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

Your essays should be like a girl's skirt

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why?

My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

Do you know what medical insurance Tommy Wiseau is covered under?

Oh, Highmark

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

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A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried.

“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose....

Archaeologist digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in Chocolate and hazelnuts

And believe it to be Pharoaoh Rocher

A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they...

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Bakery in Pakistan

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Karachi, Pakistan. As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks bac...

The Cleveland Browns are covering the playing field in cardboard for Sunday's game.

Because they always play better on paper.

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

A man walks into a psychiatrist office naked except his lower body is covered in Saran wrap...

As soon as the docter sees him he says”I can clearly see your nuts”

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

The crippled man covered his bald spot

He put on his handy cap

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

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Three microbes on a woman

The tooth microbe, the ear microbe and the vaginal microbe


They are having a conversation:


Tooth microbe: It sucks being me, every morning and night, some hairy tool comes covered in toxic paste and tries to kill me


Ear Microbe: Something similar happens to me, there...

Likely a reddit repost, but I’d never seen it before and thought it was funny. Maybe you will too.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

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A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceed...

Two blondes are walking through the park...

One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"

The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

The beauty of having icing on your cake is that you can cover a lot of your mistakes.

I think I've found out why my parents insist on spreading icing all over my face on each of my birthdays.

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

I listened to a cover of "Pony" the other day.

It was good and all, but it just wasn't Genuwine.

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What do a covered pit with spikes at the bottom and the internet have in common?

They're both booby traps.

What do you call a gymnast covered in clay?

An adobe acrobat.

[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’...

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Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house

....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbour's gardens...

I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.

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So a nun was taking a shower....

When someone knocked on the door

She had no way to cover herself. So she said "who is it?"

A man said, "It me, tim the blind man!"

The nun said, "come in!"

And the blind man said, "nice tits, now where should I hang these blinds?"

A Blonde working in an office...

she glanced out the window and noticed a car , towing a small rowboat parking beside an empty field. She thought nothing of it and continued to work.

She looked out again towards the field and seen a blonde woman getting out of the car, removing the boat and dragging it into the field. "What ...

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Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately...

Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately, so God came up with a solution to this. Everyone who died and goes to heaven must first get an interview with an angel, who would decide if their death was noble or not. If it was, they would be let inside, otherwise they would be sent to purgatory.
...

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I hate having sex in a sleeping bag, it’s too tight, you get really sweaty...

and it’s hard to breathe because your scout leader’s hand is covering your mouth

Why did Kermit ask Miss Piggy to get high and cover herself in honey?

Because he likes his ham; honey baked.

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

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An usual conversation on Tinder

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your tiddies?

W: Sure, send me 20$

Sending money.

M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?

W: No problems, send another 50$

After a while.

M: Damn, awesome. You wouldn’t mi...

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The vintage motorcycle.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says"

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure ...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

I was so embarrassed when my wife saw me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.

The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.

The second man was brought forth...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

My wife says...

... she's fed up with the way I treat everything like I'm in a TV detective show.

She said "I think we should split up."

I said, "Great idea... We can cover more ground that way..."

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a pro...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

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A man walks into a bar

This is a long'un. Strap yourselves in.

A man walks into a bar and notices a large jar on the counter filled to the brim with cash, $50's, $20's. Must be a good few $thousand in the jar. The guy orders a drink and asks about the jar on the counter. "Oh that's for anyone who can beat the three...

2 deers at a bar

Two deer at a bar*

Deer 1 says “cover fee is expensive at the doors”
Deer 2 says”no kidding, I had to blow 2 bucks to get in here”

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

My friends and I started a band called Duvet recently

We only do covers.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up.

Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are...

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

What does a spy do when they go to bed?

They go under cover

My girlfriend wanted to split up because I can't stop pretending to be a detective.

I told her "Good idea, we can cover more ground that way"

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

What does James Bond do before going to bed?

He goes under cover.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Unless it’s a spy book, then it better have a good one.

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Me: Hey Amazon I wanna buy something

Amazon: Ok, but you need to find $25 worth of items to get free shipping

Me: Why's that?

Amazon: Because our prices are so low, only if you buy $25 can we cover our shipping costs

Me: Ok, I found 3 items that total $25 and pushed the Order button

Amazon: Great! Here are y...

My new girlfriend has a fetish for being covered in cheese and pickle.

She's a cracker.

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

A moss covered rock finds out he needs to wake up at 4AM for his new job

"Wow, that's a bit early for my lichen"

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

A Young Boy Goes to His Father, Covering His Ears

He says, "Dad, I've got a problem." The dad asks, "What's wrong?" His son winces and says, "It's my hearing, Dad. Everything I hear hurts my ears." The dad looks his son in the eyes and says, "Son, all sound hertz."

Me and my friend are going to form a band called 'the duvets'

Mainly going to be a cover band

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs

but she's good with the kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in.

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Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

Why was the teacher covered in mustard?

Because she was a sub

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

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An old man and his wife get into a fight

It's late at night and an Old man man and his wife got into a bad fight, so the wife gets angry and takes her pillow and covers and goes to sleep in another room.

After some time passes they both get lonely and a bit horny but they are both too proud to apologize.

So the husband came u...

I don’t accept nudes, I tell the girls to cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

Did you know that on average people want 3 covers on their beds at all times?

That's just a blanket statement.

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

To my friends in the Land Down Under

You better run, you better take cover

A man has been found dead at the pizza parlour

He was covered in ham, pineapple, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, ground beef, pepperoni and four cheeses.

Police are saying he topped himself.

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

Three guys walked into a bar covered in coal dust...

The bar tender took one look at them and said, "Sorry, but we don't serve miners here."

Just before he died, we covered my grandad's back with grease.

After that he went down hill very quickly.

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What does a billionaire covered in piss tells his plumber ?

It's NOT what i meant when i asked for a golden shower

Whenever I call out of my shift.

I always got my bed sheets to cover me.

The Irishman

Some firemen pull an Irishman from a burning bar. He's coughing, completely covered in soot, and stinks strongly of smoke.

When the firemen ask him how the fire started the Irishman says, "How the hell should I know? The place was on fire when when I got here!"

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself."

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A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.

It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE! TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!

The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.

It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you...

There was 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle.

One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said, "Behave and remember all that I have have taught you."

As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about eve...

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks.

Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in?

He was kermitting sewercide.

Hospital Gown

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you’re covered, but you’re not.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

I man is walking down the street and passes a pet shop.

He notices in the window a parrot going for cheap. He enters the shop and asks why the price was so low.

The chap told him the bird used to be in a local brothel waiting room.

The man takes a chance and buys it. He takes it home and removes the cover to which the parrot says " hello th...

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the wor...

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