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Lace Jokes

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day..

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

I felt sorry for the sea world animals trapped in enclosures. So I fed them some fish laced with hashish.

It felt good to serve a higher porpoise.

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Double D’s can make all the difference.

Lace rugs are a lot different than laced drugs.

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

What do you call canned pork laced with Ritalin?

Short Attention Spam

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

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The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

Two Men on a Camping Trip See a Bear Heading In Their Direction.

The first guy starts to panic, while the second guy calmly begins to lace up his sneakers.

First guy: "Are you crazy? You can't outrun that bear."

Second guy: "No, but I can outrun you."

A straight-laced former cop and a priest were driving down a country road

Walking along the edge of the road were some teens - their pants sagging, they were vaping had a beer in hand, and could clearly be hear cursing loudly. This enraged the former cop. He drifted toward the side of the road as if to hit them, then pulled back. Angry, he drifted over again. There was a ...

What happened when the teacher tied everyone's laces together?

They went on a class trip

Men are like shoe laces

They go through many holes before they tie the knot

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I can eat an untied shoe lace and poop it out tied

I shit you knot!

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

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A door to door salesman is doing his rounds

He knocks on a door that’s promptly answered by a 14 year old boy wearing stockings and suspenders and a lace bra and panties. The boys drinking a glass of cognac and smoking a fine cigar.
The salesman asks “Son, are your parents home?”
The boys replies “What the fuck do you think”

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I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens shoes.

Bitches be trippin.

Did you hear about the guy who died from eating a poison shoe?

It was laced with cyanide

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?

Probable Cosby.

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, ...

Why do the Mexican homies on the States always have one shoe lace untied?

Because in the sole of their shoes it says Taiwan

An Arab walks into a bra store owned by Jewish guy.

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 100." The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop ...

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I would love to sit on the toilet whilst you tie my shoe laces...

I shit you knot!

What do you say to your laces to make them go away?

Shoo laces

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

Don't blindfold an Asian with a shoe lace.

That's lacist.

A small village soup chef tried to make a bit of extra money on the side, selling boullion cubes laced with marijuana...

It was the laughing stock of the whole town.

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

I just saw Paddy in the Supermarket.

I noticed one of his shoelaces was undone, I said watch you don't trip over your laces Paddy.

Paddy says "yeah it's the bloody instructions."

I said, "what instructions Paddy?"

Paddy says, "underneath the shoe, it says "Taiwan."

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

I found myself at a growler the other night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

Someone had laced my drink

Never take a drink from a Cobbler!

It's definitely laced.

IRS summons [NSFW]

A businessman comes home, turns to the wife and says:

Honey, I received a subpoena from the IRS regarding the late submission statement!

Do you think I should go in jeans or in business suit?

Well, dear... I tell you the same thing my mother said to me when I asked her if on the...

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A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt?

Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!

Two men were walking through the woods...

when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them.

The second man looked at the first, confused, and ...

After a day of walking around, a man comes home with his newly bought shoes

He says to his wife: “I bought these shoes from a drug dealer”
His wife said: “what’s the problem?”
He responded: “I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day”

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In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.

His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

...

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together?

"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"

2 men are walking in the woods when..

Two men are walking in the woods all of a sudden they come across a big bear, the first man gets on his knees and prays to God, the second man however starts tieing his shoe laces.
The first man turns and asks “what on Earth are you doing? You can’t out run a bear!” The second replies “I don’t ha...

A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on an...

Last night at the bar I ordered a drink that was served in a shoe...

... I'm pretty sure it was laced.

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. ..

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Give a man a fish laced with potassium cyanide, and you feed him for a lifetime.

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

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