I friend of mine bought some shoes from a drug dealer today, and I don't know what dealer laced them with.

Because my friend was tripping all day.

So this drug dealer sold me some shoe laces

I dunno what he put in them, but I've been tripping all day!

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

What happened when the teacher tied everyone's laces together?

They went on a class trip

I'm gonna buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces

Why knot?

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?

Probable Cosby.

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I would love to sit on the toilet whilst you tie my shoe laces...

I shit you knot!

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer but something doesn't seem right

I think they're laced

Paddy At The Newsagents

I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said,



“watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”




Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”




I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”
Pad...

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I can eat an untied shoe lace and poop it out tied

I shit you knot!

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

What did Caesar say when he found out someone laced his raw vegetable appetizer with E. coli?

Et tu crudite'?

Why do the Mexican homies on the States always have one shoe lace untied?

Because in the sole of their shoes it says Taiwan

The Parrot

A young man named Steve received a parrot as a gift. The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

Steve tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite w...

What do you say to your laces to make them go away?

Shoo laces

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I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens shoes.

Bitches be trippin.

Smugglers have began hiding drugs in the soles of their shoes. You shouldn't trust them

They're probably laced

A small village soup chef tried to make a bit of extra money on the side, selling boullion cubes laced with marijuana...

It was the laughing stock of the whole town.

I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. ..

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Give a man a fish laced with potassium cyanide, and you feed him for a lifetime.

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, ...

The year is 2024 and the new POTUS has been elected.

The newly sworn-in president is sitting at the desk in the oval office tending to some paperwork. The doors open and in walk a few secret service agents.

"Excuse us Mr. President, but we were looking over some of the documents about your background and noticed that your physical health and p...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

When God made humans.

When God makes little boys, he made them out of string\-when he had some left over, he made a little thing!

When God made little girls, he made them out of lace\-when he didn't have enough, he left a little space!

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

Last night at the bar I ordered a drink that was served in a shoe...

... I'm pretty sure it was laced.

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on an...

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

I saw a man on the corner with a shoebox

And asked him what he was selling

“Jordan’s”

“How much?”

“50 bucks”

“Not a bad deal, what size are they?”

“11”

“Hey that’s my size! I’ll take them”

It sure was a good deal, but he must have laced them with something, because I was tripping the rest of...

I bought some drugs from the old lady who lives in a shoe.

They turned out to be laced.

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This man is kind of bored so he goes to this exotic brothel he heard about...

When he gets there, the hostess talks to him about what he likes for a few minutes, and then, sensing he is open-minded, says, "we have something special today... it's not for everyone, but I think you might like it."

"What is it?" he asks, intrigued.

"It's a chicken that gives blowjo...

In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.

His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

...

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Punch lines

This is my campaign to reduce re-posting. I'm going to spoil as many often-reposted jokes as I can by posting the punch lines here. Please feel free to help me out.

Ha! I'm the bus driver!

I already have a cat.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...

Two guys camping in the woods wake up to the sound of a bear growling outside their tent.

One guy jumps straight out of the tent, naked as the day he was born, and starts running for his life. He looks behind him to see his pal just finish tying his laces, and only then start running.

"Why the hell did you waste time putting on your trainers" he yells back at him. "That won't help...

The lion invited all the animals to a party he was having...

All was going well and everyone was enjoying themselves. But a few hours later the lion notices that they'll be out of beer soon. He calls the monkey and gives him some money. "I need you to get some more beer for the party. Be quick about it!"

The monkey was enjoying himself far too much to...

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

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