In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.

Each penne saved was a penne earned.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

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My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stea...

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My brother fucked a car's tail pipe last night

It was exhausting

Don’t run with bag pipes. You could poke out an eye out or worse...

Get kilt.

My neighbors yelled and banged my door 3 in the morning, literally 3!

Luckly, I was still up practicing my bagpipe.

Had to get a leaky pipe fixed

So I called a plumber and asked him for his prices. He said "most household jobs will fall into one of our 3 flat rates"

$75 for basic jobs
$150 for basic jobs if your husband helps
$200 for basic jobs if your husband tried to fix it before you called

My German plumber hooked up my gas pipe to my shower...

Looks like old habits die hard

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A mate of mine once had sex with the exhaust pipe on the back of his lorry.

He found out a week later he was HGV positive.

Whitney Houston had quite the set of pipes on her.

In fact she died clutching onto one of them.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

What do you call a family that gives a pipe organ to the church?

Organ donors.

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

You see my neighbour worships exhaust pipes

He's a Catholic converter

What's the difference between a length of pipe and a pale Dutchman?

One's a hollow cylinder, and the other's a sallow Hollander.

What do you call a sad marijuana pipe?

Miserabowl!

Do you know that old fable about how your tongue will stick to an iron pipe if it's too cold?

It's twuu.

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

My dad dropped his meth pipe.

Now he has a crack pipe.

A man was walking down the street with a long pipe on his shoulder when somebody came up to him and said 'Excuse me, are you a Pole Vaulter?'

He replied, 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name?'.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

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Two cows are standing peacefully on a hill. "Moo", pipes up the first cow. The second cow turns to her and says

"BITCH, I WAS GONNA SAY THAT!"

After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

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Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

Some boy scouts are sitting around a campfire...

Some boy scouts are sitting around a camp fire and begin to tell some jokes. The first one lets out a chuckle and says, "13". The rest of the scouts chuckle and another says, "Heh, 6". This gets a good laugh from most of them and a third replies with "8". At this point they are at the point of tears...

I like my women like a like my weed

Well trimmed and ready for the pipe

Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

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One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

I like my women like I like my drain pipes.

Covered in a thin layer of PVC and attached to a wall.

I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two muffins are in an oven..

One of the muffin pipes up 'wow it's hot in here', to which the other muffin replies, 'holy shit! A talking muffin!'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I'm trying to start a new Nazi group...

But it's hard to get people to leave the already established groups, they’re built up, they have community there, then I have it. Weed. We’re going to be the weed Nazis, I get a sponsorship from a local skinhead dispensary, I set up a space, but there’s one problem, I only have 2 water pipes, for t...

In Vermont an old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, quietly smoking a pipe.

A tourist who is staying at a nearby B&B passes by every day for a week, and whenever he passes, the man is just sitting there in his rocking chair quietly smoking his pipe.

One day the tourist cannot refrain from asking the old man: "Say, have you been sitting here all your life, doing ...

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A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and...

The pipes that my plumber installed are leaking...

Clearly, he didn't give a flux.

Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is

Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."

Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanica...

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Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter?

They sound like shit.

Three babies in the womb discuss

what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here." The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here." The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer." The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want t...

A plumber

is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'...

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A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like yo...

What happened to the Pollack that tried to blow up a car?

He burnt his lips on the tail pipe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

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The teacher asks the kids to name things ending in 'tor' that eat things

The first child says 'Alligator'


'Very good' says the teacher, 'that's a big word.'


The second child says 'Predator'


'Well done' says the teacher



Little Johnny says 'Vibrator, Miss'




After recovering from a fit of laughter the teacher...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men and their wives were walking through a Forrest late at night...

All of the sudden, a large cat crosses their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop.

The first mans wife pipes up and says “don’t worry honey, I have to fight off cougars all the time when they try to hit on you at the bar, I got this”

The mans wife approaches the cougar and...

Deb, a blonde, gets caught in a hailstorm.

And so she brings her badly dented car to the body shop. The mechanic decides to play a trick on her.

The mechanic, pretending to inspect the car says, "I see you got caught in yesterday's hailstorm. There's an easy fix for that. When you get home, just blow really hard on the tail pipe and a...

I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!

If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

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Quitting isn't easy.

Watson being a doctor and knowing all well how deadly tobacco is, tried to convince Sherlock to quit smocking, but all attempts to persuade the detective were useless. He stubbornly kept puffing the pipe. Watson was ready to give up, when one day he had an idea. Sticking the stem up the butt would c...

My girlfriend and I overheard a Whitney Houston song.

She says “Man, Whitney had some pipes on her.”

I say “Pretty sure that’s how she died, right?”

A blonde, a brunette, and a black-haired girl are walking down their high school hallway

when they come across a genie's lamp. The black-haired girl rubs it, and a genie comes out. He tells them that he'll give each of them three wishes if they say something true about themselves. If not, they'll go "poof", and die.

So the black-haired girl squeals, "I think I'm the prettiest gir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dyslexic plumber had a bad day.

He hated his disorder because it made him sound unprofessional when speaking to his clients.

First, he visited the home of a soccer mom with a broken dishwasher. "Are you the woman with the busted wishdasher?" he asked. She was, and she didn't correct him so as not to offend him. He fixed the...

Three men walk into a bar...

An Irish man, a Scots man and an English man.

The Scots man goes: My son was born on St.Andrews day so we called him Andrew.

The English man says: That's funny, my son was born on St.Stephens day so we called him Stephen.

The Irish man pipes in: Wow that happened to my son aswe...

Two Irish guys, Paddy and Mick are drunk in a newly renovated pub in their town

Paddy announces that he has to go to the bathroom.

"I'llll assk the baarman where the bog isss" Paddy mumbles to his mate and then he stumbles up to the bar.

"Wherrre'ss the jack's?" He asks the barman.

Pointing to a door in the back, the barman says "Go through that door, take...

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

The news reports of a Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus...

Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three special forces men are out camping one evening.

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at the campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."...

The Pepper Farm

A man was driving through the countryside when he happened upon a sprawling farm, covered as far as the eye could see in brightly colored variants of peppers. Astounded at the vastness and variety, the man turned up the driveway and made his way to the pepper stand where stood an older woman, presum...

Plumber and a lawyer

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replies symp...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

A linguistics professor is giving a lecture.

"In English, he explains, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative".

"However," the professor continues, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room pipes u...

A lawyer well known for his stinginess dies and goes to heaven

He is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter looks through the giant book of life, which detailed all the lawyer did, looks at the lawyer and says “Yup, sorry, don’t think you’ve lived your life doing enough good to get into heaven. The lift to the underworld is that end.”
...

Talk Like A Pirate Day

"Okay, we know we said we'd come back stronger than ever this year, and we admit that 4th place in the division is not where we wanted to be. But it IS a better-than-.500 record, so there's that, and we have some good prospects in the pipe for 2019."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says...

**Bartender:** Uh (pointing down), you know you have a ship's wheel hanging from your testicles?

**Pirate:** Aye! (nodding his head while removing his pipe), and it's driving me nuts.

Puns for days

When my youngest daughter was 6 or so she was playing with a newly discovered wart on her foot in the car when the oldest pipes up

Oldest: eww what are you doing to your foot?

Youngest: dont wartty about it.

I had to pull over,i havent laughed so hard in a long time

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking to Merry and Pippen..

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark and h...

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Mick, Seamus and Paddy are chatting about how stupid their wives are

Mick says *“women are so stupid, my wife is on some stupid diet but she’s not even fat”*
 

Seamus goes *“you think that’s stupid, my wife has gone and bought a car, she hasn’t even got a licence”*
 

So Paddy pipes up *“fellas that’s fucking nothing, my wife is t...

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Three parrots are in a pet shop for sale

Priced at £170, £150 and £10.

A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck ...

One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

“I just clean the hallways,” he’d say. “Everyday. It gets boring fast, please?”

His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.

“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”

The man was overwhelmed with excitement and...

A blonde was driving home & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...

He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is having dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time...

As they're eating, a little squeeker escapes him before he realizes that he's got to fart.

"Spot!!" yells the mother

Relieved, the man thinks "I just farted and they thought it was the dog under the table! Thank goodness"

After a few more minutes the man realizes that he's got t...

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10 guys are sitting around watching the news,

10 guys are sitting around watching the news:

"... and new research says that one in 10 men are gay..."

Tom pipes up, "Wow, there's 10 of us here, so one of us might be gay?"

Peter says "I'll bet it's Kevin. He's really hot." and all the guys nod along.

And Joe says "Ye...

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Confucius says... (maybe slightly nsfw)

...man who take woman camping have one in-tent.

...man who puts rooster in freezer gets stiff cock.

...man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

...man who makes love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.

My dad and brothers(and uncles) are to blame for most of these horrib...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Late one night three leprechauns were sitting around a camp fire....

The first leprechaun says to the second, “nobody believes in leprechauns anymore. We don’t get to grant any wishes or hide our gold. We need to do something to get people believing again.”

The three of them sit quietly for a few minutes trying to come up with and idea. Eventually the first o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer go out for a round of golf..

Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explain...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Machine

The Machine

Two criminally insane robotics engineers, Frank and Ned, are working on their mad personal robotics projects in their jointly rented workshop. Though both are criminally insane geniuses, neither can afford to rent a warehouse of their own, so they pitch in together and share one w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!" "That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that." The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor." "Okay, do you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Guy walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender.

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"

The bartender says, "Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"...

What's the difference between a life pro-tip and a pro-life tip?

One tells you to keep the kid, the other is instructions for building a pipe bomb.

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are marooned on an island...

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off.
A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten.' The native's nob was...

One morning, a little girl goes into the living room and asks her mother...

"Why did you name me Rose, mom?"

Mom says, "As we we leaving the hospital after you were born, a rose petal fell on your head. So we named you Rose."

The daughter says, "Is that why my little brother is named Leaf and little sister is named Rain?"

"Yes," Mom says. "Exactly."...

A man ends up in hell and the devil sidles up next to him.

A man ends up in hell and the devil sidles up next to him.
‘Welcome to hell!’ Says the devil.
‘Er, thanks,’ says the man. Rather doubious about what he’s about to experience.
‘Tell me, do you like beer?’ Asked the devil.
The man was very shocked. ‘Like beer?’ He said, ‘I love it!’
‘W...