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Pipe Jokes

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe
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Did you hear that a sewer pipe broke at the football stadium during a game?

Apparently, the shit hit the fans.

What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer?

They way they pronounce unionized.
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What did one smoking pipe say to the other smoking pipe?

Don’t go ashtray
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Stalins smoking pipe

Stalin lost his pipe so he told the KGB to investigate and find it. A short time later he found it and ordered the KGB to stop the investigation.

The KGB agent told him that they arrested 10 people and 9 of them confessed already.

Stalin was surprised. Only 9?! Continue the investigati...
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My new loud exhaust pipe

Before buying my new loud exhaust pipe, I was secretly ashamed of how little sex I was having. But now that's no longer a secret.

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...
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I asked my boss if we would ever hire felons to run pipe.

He said no, they won't let a conduit.
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She asked me if I knew who the Verve Pipe were.

But for the life of me, I could not remember.
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A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
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My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

Why is retirement like an exhaust pipe?

Because it's a career end.
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Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stea...
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In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...
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What does the smartphone say to the pipe?

iPhone, YouTube, WeChat.

(Sorry, is this taken?)
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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

The Young knight and his pipe

A young knight was nervous about his upcoming meeting with the king.

He went to the wise man, and told him of his worries, and the old man presented him an ornately designed pipe to give to the king as a gift.

"Wise master, I am confused. Why is it you suggest that I give him this beau...
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What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is.

The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just hav...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of th...
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I would tell you guys a joke about pipes...

... But that would be too much pressure on me
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Finally managed to get my penis out of the exhaust pipe after half an hour.

I don't care what my girlfriend says, I'm never trying car sex ever again.

I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe

What happened next shocked me
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The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...
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I can stop any pipe from leaking

Just by giving it a tap
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My dad dropped his meth pipe.

Now he has a crack pipe.
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A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied






Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji
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What do you call an Italian Renaissance painter who smokes weed from a one-hitter pipe?

Leonardo da Pinchy.



...I'll see myself out.
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Why did the lead pipe run for president?

Because he was born to lead.
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What do you call a sad marijuana pipe?

Miserabowl!
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For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering.

Turns out I should have been self-isolating.
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A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."

The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."

The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.

Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"

The woman r...
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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

What's the difference between a length of pipe and a pale Dutchman?

One's a hollow cylinder, and the other's a sallow Hollander.
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What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe
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What do you call a family that gives a pipe organ to the church?

Organ donors.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes
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My German plumber hooked up my gas pipe to my shower...

Looks like old habits die hard
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What does JFK’s brain and the Flint water pipes have in common?

They both have lead passing through
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Whitney Houston had quite the set of pipes on her.

In fact she died clutching onto one of them.
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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

A lawyer calls a plumber to his house to fix a broken pipe...

The plumber fixes everything just within in an hour and hands the lawyer his bill for $675. The lawyer says to the plumber, "My God! I don't even make this much in an hour!"

The plumber responds, "I didn't either when I was a lawyer, that's why I do plumbing now."
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In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.

Each penne saved was a penne earned.
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Why do they make different kind of piping for electrical wiring?

Because regular Pipe Conduit
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Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...
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A mate of mine once had sex with the exhaust pipe on the back of his lorry.

He found out a week later he was HGV positive.

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”
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Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...
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Don’t run with bag pipes. You could poke out an eye out or worse...

Get kilt.
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The pipes that my plumber installed are leaking...

Clearly, he didn't give a flux.
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A guy sees an ad in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you wan...
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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

A man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken table leg

The man replys:
"my dear, am I a carpenter?"


After three days, the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken pipe in the bathroom, but the man replys:
"my dear, am I a plumber?"


After one week the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the microwave o...
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A newly-wed couple moves into their new house

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, a plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new...
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I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.
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Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...
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Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...
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Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter?

They sound like shit.

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Miss Jones wanted to teach her class about vegetables

So she drew a large cucumber on the blackboard and said "what's that"

"It's a cock, miss" piped up Little Johnny.

"That's *it*, Little Johnny, I've had *enough* of your filthy cheek, I'm getting the headmaster" pronounced Miss Jones.

A few moments later the headmaster stomped in...

Teacher asked the class,

"there are five crows sitting on a fence and a farmer shoots two,how many are left"

Little billy pipes up, "ain't none, the rest took off."

Teacher says" well, there are still three crows, but i like the way you're thinking."

Little billy says: let me ask you a question, three w...
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[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...
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Have you heard about the pipe that makes small talk as you smoke it?

It's quite the conversation piece.
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In Vermont an old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, quietly smoking a pipe.

A tourist who is staying at a nearby B&B passes by every day for a week, and whenever he passes, the man is just sitting there in his rocking chair quietly smoking his pipe.

One day the tourist cannot refrain from asking the old man: "Say, have you been sitting here all your life, doing ...
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A pig was destitute. He yearned for his question to be answered.

“Manners maketh man!” He wailed. “You can’t rightly call me a man so what makes a pig?” A gentleman heard him.

“Hello old chap.” The man stood, drawing his pork pie hat from his head. “I believe I have an answer for you.” The pig was rapt.

“Please tell!” The man withdrew his pipe from...
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Stalin's assistant enters his office

"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"

Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."

The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.

Later, with ...
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Do you know that old fable about how your tongue will stick to an iron pipe if it's too cold?

It's twuu.
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...
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God and the animals

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the o...
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An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...
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Some friars decide

Some friars decide that they no long want to be involved with the church and instead want to get into their true passion: flowers. They open a flower shop and people come flocking to it, as these are the flowers of truly righteous men. The other florists in town begin to become distressed because ...
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Stalin goes to a village on a trip

He talks to the people there for a while and then leaves.

After leaving the village, Stalin can't seem to find his pipe.

"One of the villagers must have stolen it!" a KGB agent said "Don't worry Comrade Stalin, I'll find out who"

The KGB agent returns to the village.

A wh...
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A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."
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A man was walking down the street with a long pipe on his shoulder when somebody came up to him and said 'Excuse me, are you a Pole Vaulter?'

He replied, 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name?'.
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Two cows are standing peacefully on a hill. "Moo", pipes up the first cow. The second cow turns to her and says

"BITCH, I WAS GONNA SAY THAT!"

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Whenever you’re sitting on the toilet all alone in silence, do you ever think something is crawling up the pipes into the toilet bowl and then is going to suddenly slither up into your butthole?

Well, you will now. You’re welcome!

The Lion and the Monkey

A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion.

The lioness starts to get angry and says, "King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him."

"You are right, but you know ...
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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!" "That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that." The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor." "Okay, do you ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...
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NSFW Egyptian Joke about a rat, a lion, and a lioness

One day, a rat came across a lion and his lioness, then said "Fuck you, Lion!". The lion stayed calm and the lioness asked him "Won't you kick his ass up ?!".
"He's a just a stupid rat and doesn't worth the effort" The lion replied.

The very next day, the rat came across the lion and the ...

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A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.

The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"

The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".

In a ...

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

Miss USA

The Sociology professor was explaining how society's ideals of beauty change
with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five foot,
one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do
you think she'd do in today's ve...
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Driving around with my girlfriend

I was driving in the car with my girlfriend when we got pulled over by the police. The officer informed us that we were the first ones they had seen that day wearing seatbelts, and therefore we were awarded a prize of 2000 euros. The policeman was curious about what we planned to do with the money. ...
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...
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The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The seco...

What’s the difference between a plumber and a pusher?

One reveals his crack while fixing your pipe. The other deals the crack you smoke in your pipe.
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During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"
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