UPJOKE
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Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon….

Why does the baker rarely get into arguments?

He's a loafer, not a fighter.

What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane

Paddy O' Furniture

What do you call an Egyptian who rarely farts?

Toot-Uncommon.

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny…

But occasionally, a one-liner makes me snort

why do Indians rarely squabble over bread?

Its a Naan-issue

What do you use all the time but rarely look at?

Your drivers license

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last nigh...

A post on this sub is rarely original

We've all reddit before.

Have you noticed how you rarely see Delorian's on the road anymore?

Apparently their owners only drive them from Time to Time.

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom.

Probably cause the audience is shit

The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas...

This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon.

-from my son, age 10

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.

Once in a Blue Moon.

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I never click on these, because the punchline is rarely worth the effort.

Told you

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A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

What name did they give the Egyptian pharaoh who rarely passed gas?

Toot-uncommon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why we rarely see male live streaming masturbation like camgirls?

Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!

I rarely laugh at Dad jokes.

I think I’ve out groan them.

What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey...

Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.

Vaginas are like gyms....

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am, I sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope nobody notices.

Why do ants rarely, if ever, get sick?

Because of their tiny little anty bodies.

Why do citizens of Prague rarely get scammed?

Because they always double Czech

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

Why are jokes about communism rarely funny?

Because they're only funny if *everybody* gets them.

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

I've got an African American friend who almost always keeps to himself, and very rarely goes out. He's a little mad at me right now, though.

I guess he didn't like it when I greeted him by saying "What's up, my inward?"

Why do vegans rarely hold gathering?

Because they avoid meet.

Guess what my grades and whales have in common?

They rarely rise above "C" level. ᴴᵉˡᵖ

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