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Thoughts And Prayers Jokes

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

Thoughts and prayers

I went to my pastor and asked him to pray for my hearing. He put his hands on my ears and prayed. Afterwards he asked, "how's your hearing?"

I replied, "it's not until next Tuesday"

My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen

I heard she was a massive DMX fan

Sending my thoughts and prayers

To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of New Jersey :(

Nothing happened there. I just feel bad for anyone who has to live in New Jersey.

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to...

...all the hospital staff.

What do Christians do when they have a surplus of thoughts and prayers?

They force schools to reopen.

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

[politics] How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Republicans don't change light bulbs. They hide the ladders, sell the bulbs, blame Democrats for the dark, and send thoughts and prayers to anyone who trips.

Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend.

Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.

A Bus Stop

On a bus stop in Washington DC, there were a cop, a nurse, a man in a suit, a philosopher and a priest. The cop spoke first:

Cop: ”Is this the right bus stop to Congress hill?”

Man in suit: ”yes”

Cop: ”Good. As it happens, there was this school shooting incident last week; I was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show...

Be Positive

A good friend passed away here at the office today. There was an accident in the mailroom and his bleeding could not be controlled. EMS arrived immediately but were unable to slow the bleeding enough. The ems team could not figure out quickly enough what Jason's blood type was either so saving him t...

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