Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

At the last supper, Jesus stands up and tells the apostles "One of you is going to betray me."

Peter stands up with a worried look on his face, "Is it me, oh lord?"

Jesus says, "No, Peter. It's not you."

John stands next. "Is it me, oh lord?"

Jesus replies, "No John, it's not you."

Then Judas stands up. "Is it me, oh lord?" He asks.

Jesus says, "iS iT mE, oH...

How do we know the Apostles drove a Honda?

“When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one accord.”

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant

Jesus: Table for 26 please.

Hostess: But there’s only 13 of you.

Jesus: We like to all sit on one side of the table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross

Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday.

The apostles are at the last supper...

Jesus is eating like a slob and spilling wine everywhere and Judas says to him "Were you born in a barn?"

I'm painting a still life version of The Last Supper with all the apostles as vegetables

Judas is carrot.

Jesus was able to hold the 12 apostles together...

He acted as a crossmemeber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus, his Apostles and followers arrived in a town where the townspeople were about to stone some thieves...

... Jesus walked between the thieves and townspeople and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a rock hit Jesus in the back of the head. He turned around and said "You know Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Jesus was talking with the 12 apostles..

He said “Hey Guys, I can walk on water!”
They responded “No way”
And he said back “Yahweh!”

Jesus decides to give the apostles a bunch of gifts...

Jesus: Each one of you grab a piece of rock.

*everyone each grabbed the biggest rock they can find and rolled it back to Jesus, except for Judas who was so lazy that he just picked up a pebble.

Jesus: I shall now turn those into gold for you to keep. Now go get another piece of rock....

Jesus called out to the apostle Paul......

Paul approached the cross "My Lord, what can I do," The Roman guards shoved Paul back into the crowd, again Jesus called out to Paul and as he approached again the guards once again shoved him back this time warning, "approach again and you will go up next to him." Paul approached for the 3rd time a...

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and James

So it's Resurrection Sunday and Jesus appear before the apostle James

"Brother, it is I. I have returned."

"Holy crap Jesus! You really said you were gonna do it and you did."

"Yup. Never doubt your older brother."

"Man you look great for a dead guy." James told up Jesus'...

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus speaks to his apostles during the last supper and says, "One of you will betray me."

John turns to Jesus with fear in his eyes and asks, "Will it be me? Will I betray you lord?" Jesus smiles kindly at John and says, "No my brother, you will not betray me".

Peter next approaches J...

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

What do you call a Sith Missionary? [OC by my 7yr old son]

The Apostle Maul.

This is my body, this is my blood and this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down....

... I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of peace with long hair. In Bethlehem city, born and raised, in the temple is where I spent most of my days. Prayin', blessin', readin' the scrolls, beside the Sea of Galilee and fishin' for souls, when a coupl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Narcotic Jesus

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.



The secret operation is e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff...

...they all die and go to Heaven. As they were approaching the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter comes out to greet them:
"My dear sisters, welcome to Heaven”, said the apostle. The nuns were thrilled to meet him, but he proceeded without delay: “Please form a line while I go back inside to get somethin...

Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A note to a priest (Long).

A young priest was about to lead his first mass. Because he was nervous, the bishop told him to put a bit of vodka in the wine and drink a bit before the mass. The priest did that.

Then his memory shuts out, and after a few hours, he wakes up with a note saying:

"My son, I have a few ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven meeting year 2015

Every year in heaven jesus and the apostles gather up for a meeting to discuss about earth's problems.
The theme of the year is.. Drugs, they discuss about it for a while with no succes
and then it comes clear: they don't know the subject enought to fix it...

So Jesus tell his apostle t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Anti-English Irish priest

There was once an Irish priest named Father Patrick, full of passion and zeal, who hated the English. While his congregation just accepted it as part of his eccentricity, it started to make them uncomfortable when this bigotry seeped into mass.

It got to the point where a small group of them ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.