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Henry Jokes

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

Henry Winkler sits down on an airplane. The flight attendant comes over and ask him if he would like free head phones.

He responds “Sounds great. But it’s pronounced Fonz.”

King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them.

Those were his axe wives.

(this joke is courtesy of my father)

Henry Winkler’s Flight

Henry Winkler is flying from London to New York and starts to get cold. He requests a blanket and pillow from the flight attendant. Upon returning with theses items the flight attendant asks: “Would you like some headphones?”

Mr. Winkler replies: “I would love that!! However it’s pronounced ‘...

I’m currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.

It’s an autobiography.

Did you know Henry VIII was the first Jedi?

He was a master of divorce.

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

Henry goes to work

His employer is screaming at him “You should have been here at 09:00”.
Henry: Why what happen at 09:00?

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

Henry VIII had a door for his ex-wife to leave, and a different door for his new wife to enter.

He was a British king from the Twodoor House dynasty.

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

How do you tell the age of Henry VIII in portraits.

Count his rings

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Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

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Henry Kissinger was once asked to explain what shuttle diplomacy was.

– Oh! It is a never-failing old Jewish method. Let me give you an example. Suppose you want to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a lad from a Siberian village.
– How would you do that?
– Easy. I go to a Siberian village, find there a young man and ask him, “Would you like to marry an American Je...

Little Henry’s father

Little Henry was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thi...

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Ol Henry Graber's son, Abraham, became the first Amish software engineer.

He was one of the pioneers of AI voices. But he was let go because they were too hoarse and buggy.

Henry Ford owned a brothel

He packed the brothel with the most beautiful women in Detroit. Any man could come in and take one out on a date. They were known as the Ford Escorts.

Did you see the episode of House Hunters with King Henry VII?

He was looking for a Lancaster House with a Tudor garage.

If a mother chicken is called a hen, what is a father chicken called?

Henry

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Henry and Harriet where reminiscing about their 25yr marriage on their anniversary.

Suddenly Henry breaks down and begins sobbing uncontrollably. Shocked to see her husband showing such emotion she tries to console him.

"Talk to me Sweetheart. What's wrong?"

"Well, remember that day your Pa caught us in the barn having sex?"

"Oh my yes!"

"Remember what h...

Henry orders pizza

Henry orders a whole pizza

Waiter: How many pizza slices? 6 or 8 slices?

Henry: Just 6! I might not be able to finish 8 slices.

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

Why was king Henry the 8th terrible at conversations?

He would always cut people off.

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

The same middle name.

Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath?

He had no heir.

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

What is Henry Cavill's least favourite game?

Portal

Edit: Thanks for the coin, kind redditor!

Thanks as well for the coin gift!

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

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In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fon...

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Henry and Janet are about to get married

When Henry arrives at the church, he has a big smile on his face. His best man asks him why he's so happy, and he says "I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but Janet came over this morning and gave me the best blowjob of my life!"

When Janet arrives at the church, she's...

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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

One day my dad visit a doctor.

Then the doctor starts questioning my dad while filling out a form.

Doctor : "**Name?**"

Dad : "**Henry**"

Doctor : "**Age?**"

Dad : "**E, N, R, Y.**"

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Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a hooker to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Henry looks her over, thinks for a...

My son said he couldn't abbreviate what happened to Henry VIII's last two wives.



I think it's BS.

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Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

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Dont get an erection Henry

A doctor was doing a prostate exam to a patient

D: If you get an erection is completely normal Henry but try not to

P: but doc, my name is Matt and I am not gay

D: oh I know that, Im Henry and I am gay

I just heard news that the inventor of the Heimlich Manuever, Henry J. Heimlich, just passed away at 96

I'm still choked up about it.

I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII.

He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.

I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

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OH Henry

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memoria...

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I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

What did Henry VIII say to his wife?

Easier dead than son, huh

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“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

My girlfriend called me a pervert and a terrible historian

I said, "I am not a terrible historian....ask me the fate of Henry VIII's wife's". "Go on then" she replied.

...

"Divorced

Beheaded

Died

Divorced

Beheaded

Creampied"

What does a gardener and Professor Henry Higgins have in common?

They are both looking for some horticulture.

You'd think Henry Ford was African

The way he Madagascar

^^^^I'll ^^^^^let ^^^^^^myself ^^^^^^^out

Henry David! Why are you taking so long organizing your notes?

I just want to be Thoreau.

It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget

I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

"We're terribly worried about uncle Henry. He thinks he's a chicken."

"Have you brought him to see a doctor?"

"Well, we would but we need the eggs."

Why did Henry VIII fail his classes?

Because he lost all his Tudors.

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

A grasshopper walks into a bar

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says, "Hey, they named a drink after you!"


"Really?" replies the grasshopper. "There's a drink named Henry?"

Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman?

Because he was a VI KING.

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

How did Henry V reload his rifle?

Once more into the breech, dear friends

Ever hear of Henry, Santa's brown nosed reindeer?

He is just as fast as Rodolph but couldn't stop as quickly.

How did Henry VIIIs wife enter the room?

Amble in

(Anne Boyeyn)

I made this joke up and am very proud of it :)

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A guy rides hies horse in the forest and all of a sudden a small dwarf jumps at the road

the person almost killing the dwarf stops hies horse
go down and tell him "are you mental ?! i could have killed you!"
the dwarf replies "oh thanks for not killing me, im actually a magical dwarf and for saving my life ill grant you three wishes"
the rider thinks for a second a says sure.....

When Henry VIII has trouble in school, what does he do?

He hires a Tudor.

Why did Henry VII's bid for the English crown cost so much to insure?

It was a Tudor coup

Have you heard about Henry the brown-nosed reindeer?

He's just as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick

[Pun] Why did Henry invent the assembly line?

He couldn't a-Ford not to.

*bad-dum tish*

My girlfriend's dog sprinted up to us wanting a cuddle.

"I love you, Henry," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

"I don't think so," she replied, "I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

Why was William Henry Harrison's inaugural address so memorable?

He had a killer final draft.

When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said,

"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!

How does it feel to work from home?

"I don't like working from home at all! My family isn't happy too." - Henry, 41, pathologist.

And elderly couple...

hire an attorney and tell him they want to get divorced. He looks at them in shocked disbelief and exclaims, "Henry! Dorothy! You are both in your 90s. You've been married for 72 years. Why do you want a divorce now?"

Dorothy looks him in the eye and says, "It's been awful, but we wanted...

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern...

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says,
“I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says,
“how about taking a strol...

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...

I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .

We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I...

You know the problem with political jokes?

They get elected.

--Henry Cate.

Vicky gets her helicopter ride

Henry and his wife Vicky went to the state fair every year, and every year Vicky would say, “Henry, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Henry always replied, "I know Vicky, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Henry and Vicky went to the f...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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A man, tired of being cheated on, makes a resolution that he would only marry a girl who doesn’t even know what a penis is.

He begins his search for the ultimate soulmate from his village. He sees a girl standing near a field, says “Pardon me but...” whips out his penis and asks, “do you know what this is?” “A penis” she responds and the man leaves the scene.

Unable to find anyone in his village after tens of tri...

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

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Horny Cock

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you.
...

I'm a bit of a Scrooge

But last night I had a visit from three spirits. The were called Jack, Jim and Henry... Made for done wonderful Christmas cheer...

Merry Christmas

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

Two snakes are slithering through the desert....

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: “Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?”
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply’s “Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes t...

"Not tonight darling, I have a headache" - Wife

"Not to worry love, we'll soon sort that out" - Henry VIII

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Christmas Hangover

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.

He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. W...

A man brought his son to a grocery store...

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.

Despite the scene his son was causing...

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