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Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

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OH Henry

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memoria...

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

Why did Henry VIII call an AC repairman?

He wanted air to the throne.

Little Henry’s father

Little Henry was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thi...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath?

He had no heir.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

What is Henry Cavill's least favourite game?

Portal

Edit: Thanks for the coin, kind redditor!

Thanks as well for the coin gift!

Henry orders pizza

Henry orders a whole pizza

Waiter: How many pizza slices? 6 or 8 slices?

Henry: Just 6! I might not be able to finish 8 slices.

What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

The same middle name.

I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...

I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .

We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I...

Five of Henry VIII's wives just got their GCSE results...

D

B

D

D

B

My son said he couldn't abbreviate what happened to Henry VIII's last two wives.



I think it's BS.

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A man, tired of being cheated on, makes a resolution that he would only marry a girl who doesn’t even know what a penis is.

He begins his search for the ultimate soulmate from his village. He sees a girl standing near a field, says “Pardon me but...” whips out his penis and asks, “do you know what this is?” “A penis” she responds and the man leaves the scene.

Unable to find anyone in his village after tens of tri...

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Dont get an erection Henry

A doctor was doing a prostate exam to a patient

D: If you get an erection is completely normal Henry but try not to

P: but doc, my name is Matt and I am not gay

D: oh I know that, Im Henry and I am gay

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

It was movie night, and I thought my favourite baroque composer and Henry VIII would enjoy the film JFK.

Sadly, Bach and Tudor left.

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In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fon...

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Henry and Janet are about to get married

When Henry arrives at the church, he has a big smile on his face. His best man asks him why he's so happy, and he says "I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but Janet came over this morning and gave me the best blowjob of my life!"

When Janet arrives at the church, she's...

I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII.

He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.

I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

Henry The Eighth Liked His Wives To Be Athletic

And That Was Her Downfall

She Wouldn’t Run, She Wouldn’t Walk, She Would Simply Just Anne Boleyn

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

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I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler?

Executed.

What does a gardener and Professor Henry Higgins have in common?

They are both looking for some horticulture.

What did Henry VIII say to his wife?

Easier dead than son, huh

Two snakes are slithering through the desert....

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: “Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?”
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply’s “Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes t...

"We're terribly worried about uncle Henry. He thinks he's a chicken."

"Have you brought him to see a doctor?"

"Well, we would but we need the eggs."

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“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

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A kid was in court for an adoption meeting he was being beaten by his parents, the judge says do you want to live with aunty mary? boy replies no she beats me as well, judge says what about uncle henry? boy again says no, judge says who do you want to live with then? boy replies Manchester United..

They can't beat any fucking one...

You'd think Henry Ford was African

The way he Madagascar

^^^^I'll ^^^^^let ^^^^^^myself ^^^^^^^out

Henry David! Why are you taking so long organizing your notes?

I just want to be Thoreau.

You know the problem with political jokes?

They get elected.

--Henry Cate.

I just heard news that the inventor of the Heimlich Manuever, Henry J. Heimlich, just passed away at 96

I'm still choked up about it.

Why did they put Patrick Henry in a submarine?

Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".

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Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a hooker to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Henry looks her over, thinks for a...

It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget

I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

How did Henry V reload his rifle?

Once more into the breech, dear friends

Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman?

Because he was a VI KING.

How did Henry VIIIs wife enter the room?

Amble in

(Anne Boyeyn)

I made this joke up and am very proud of it :)

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One day at school the home room teacher was absent and the kids had a substitute. He started class and took attendance. 15 minutes late, a boy showed up.

Trying do do his job well he asked, where have you been?

The boy, John, responded " I was on Cherry Hill."

"ok" said the teacher. "Well take a seat." So the boy did.

Than 7 minutes later another boy, Lenny, got to class. "Why are you so late?!" The confused substitute teacher a...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

Why did Henry VIII fail his classes?

Because he lost all his Tudors.

When Henry VIII has trouble in school, what does he do?

He hires a Tudor.

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

Ever hear of Henry, Santa's brown nosed reindeer?

He is just as fast as Rodolph but couldn't stop as quickly.

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

Henry ford meets god

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and sa...

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

[Pun] Why did Henry invent the assembly line?

He couldn't a-Ford not to.

*bad-dum tish*

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Christmas Hangover

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.

He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. W...

Have you heard about Henry the brown-nosed reindeer?

He's just as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick

Why was William Henry Harrison's inaugural address so memorable?

He had a killer final draft.

Vicky gets her helicopter ride

Henry and his wife Vicky went to the state fair every year, and every year Vicky would say, “Henry, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Henry always replied, "I know Vicky, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Henry and Vicky went to the f...

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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before set...

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It was Electrifying

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to ...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

"Not tonight darling, I have a headache" - Wife

"Not to worry love, we'll soon sort that out" - Henry VIII

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In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

One day, a man was worried his wife has a hearing problem.

So before dinner, while his wife was cooking, the man stood behind her at a distance and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

He didn't see nor hear a reaction. Growing concerned, he stood a bit closer and asked again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Once again, there was no response, and the wif...

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This guy Arty....

So there was this guy Arty. Arty always wanted to be in the mafia. This was his dream since he was young. Henry Hill was his role model. Arty had watched every mafia movie known to man, he was just waiting for the day to meet them and get in.

One day Arty sees 4 mafia members sitting around ...

Question

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

“Rabbi,” little Melvin asked, “there’s something I need to know.”

“What’s that, my child?” the rabbi asked.

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the children of ...

A man brought his son to a grocery store...

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.

Despite the scene his son was causing...

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History lesson

A teacher was attempting to teach American history to her elementary students. She said I will give you a famous quotation from history and I want all who know who said it and when to raise their hand. She said "Give me liberty or give me death." The only one that raised a hand was a Japanese boy. S...

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Tom Hanks walks into WB studios

Tom Hanks walks into the WB studios and enters one of the many conference rooms.
As he sits down for the read -through, he notices his fellow peers sitting at the table Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill's mustache, Gal Gadot and a couple of other people he was he was only vaguely familiar with. He picks...

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Joe comes home from the factory laughing.

He says to his wife, "Hey, honey! You know that guy Bill Henry? He claims he fucked every woman on our street except for one! Can you believe that shit?"

His wife wipes a dish and puts it into the cupboard. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins..."

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A farmer goes to the market to buy a Rooster...

He walks around the tables and see many fine roosters, but all above his budget. He finally see a man with a single cock at his booth. The price tag on the cage says "25$". The farmer asks the man why the rooster is 25 when he looks fine. The man tells the farmer, "This here rooster is Henry and he ...

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A man is driving in his truck

It is winter and the road is coverd in snow. Suddenly the car behind pulls beside him and tells him to stop. A guy gets out and knocks on his window:

"Hello Sir, my name is Henry Brians
I speak only in rhymes,
I have to tell you I'm afraid,
your truck is losing freight."

The m...

A man walks into a bar with a white horse...

The barman says to the horse "there's a pub down the road named after you".

The horse replies "what, Henry?"

Mildred

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accus...

Misquoted Intentions

Two friends, a black guy and a white guy, share an apartment. The white guy's watching TV when the black guy, obviously agitated, flops down on the couch.

Black Guy: Man, I wish I could get a girlfriend.

White Guy: Well, you know what Henry Ford said...

Black Guy: What!? That is...

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