There once was a poet named Bates

There once was a poet named Bates

Whose limericks were never that great

His first lines weren't bad

But the problem he had

Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet

Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist.

How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

In which form would the enormous poet always write his poems?

In Iambig Pentameter

Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No," I reply.

Long pause.

Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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Did you hear about the Japanese poet who smoked a boatload of opium and overthrew the shogun?

They called it a high coup.

Why was the duck arrested?

Selling quack.

Why was the teacher arrested?
For doing math.

Why was the poet arrested?
For using heroines.

An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.

A poet writes in verse.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you call bread baked by a poet?

Poet-rye

Two poets die at the same time and they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says"ah, it's great to see you guys, but we have a small problem... we only have room for one of you." The two poets look at each other not sure what to do, then St. Peter says " I have an idea, since you guys are poets lets have a contest, best poem gets to stay in heaven, the other....

I just finished reading a book by a group of amateur poets...

The poems aren’t bad, but you can tell they’re not prose.

Did you hear about the cheesemonger who developed narcolepsy and became a poet?

He went from gouda to bed to verse.

Why did the poet sneeze?

Because he had analogy.

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A poet and a Deadhead are hanging out...

The poet says "I want to use the word 'shit' in a poem, but there are so many words that rhyme with it, I'm not sure which to choose."

"Use Phish," says the Deadhead.

"What!?" rejoins the poet. "Phish and shit don't rhyme!"

"Well they sound like shit to me."

What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets?

semi-prose

What does the poet do when he's frustrated with his fellow student?

Shakes peer.

There once was a poet named Stan...

...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into th...

A racist poet

Would probably be part of

The Haiku Klux Klan

How many letters are in a poet's name?

Usually just a couple of Wordsworth

Long - 2 Poets

Two men arrive at the pearly gates, each claiming to be famous poets. St. Peter cannot believe they both are poets, so he decides to give them a test. He tells them to compose a poem of 4 lines, with the last word being Timbuktu. He gives them 30 minutes.

After the time is up, the first man a...

I'm a Poet...

and I didn't even realise until just then.

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The best poet

All the world's finest poets, writers, bards and linguists were gathered in a competition to determine the best among them. After a week of competing, the finalists left standing were a rabbi and an Australian shepherd. Their final task was to improvise a rhyme containing the word 'Timbuktu'.
...

A poet and a Newfie die

They are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says that to get in they must make a poem that says Timbuktu. For the poet this was simple and he said ; I was walking in the desert sand. When I came across a caravan. Camels walking two by two. Destination Timbuktu

For the Newfie thi...

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

Have you heard about the vampire turned poet?

He went from _bat_ ... to __verse__!

Two poets die and go to heaven.

When they arrive saint Peter tells them that he only has room for one poet in heaven. He decides that the fairest way to decide who gets in is to have a competition. He tells them that the one that makes the best poem using the word timbucktoo will be allowed in. After thinking for a while the first...

What did the poet with hemorrhoids say?

I'm stuffin the puffin back into my muffin.

The Redneck Poet

Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time. St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and recited a magnificent, g...

I'm writing a book about poets who have been jailed

It's called prose and cons

What is a poet's favorite legume?

Rhyma-beans!

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

Actor Hugh Laurie was so fond of the works of Samuel Beckett that he once devoured an entire anthology of his poetry.

Hugh felt that he deserved to be a poet Laurie ate.

What is love?

Poets say it's everything. Tennis players say it's nothing.

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite kn...

Ogden Nash and TS Eliot die and go to heaven...

At the gates of heaven they meet St. Peter, and ask him if they can spend eternity in Poet's Corner with all the other famous poets.

"I don't know," says St. Peter. "It's pretty exclusive. I'll tell you what, I'll give you a word and you have to incorporate it in a poem as the very last wor...

Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.

I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.

Statue of Pushkin

Meeting of Cultural commission of Supreme Soviet of USSR, 1950. Consensus on commissioning of giant statue of Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin, russian poet.

1st possibility - Pushkin sitting in chair, reading a book of Generalissimus Stalin. - historically impossible, denied.

2nd possibi...

Two men arrive at the pearly gates.

One is an Englishman, the other a Philippino. St. Peter informs them that only one will be admitted. St. Peter asks the Englishman what his occupation was in life.

I was a poet, he responds.

Oh very good, we need more poets in heaven.

And you sir, turning to the Philippin...

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

History class in Russia

During a history lesson, the teacher asks her students, “OK class, who knows what event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people, took place in 1799?”

From the back of the class, a student raises his hand and answers, “Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin was...

A man meets a girl in a bar

The man says to the girl "every time you smile it makes me want to take you home"

The girl replies "Your words are beautiful, are you a poet?"

The man replies "No I am a dentist"

Timbuktu

The chief poet of the town dies, so they have to elect a new one. The voting whittles the candidates down to two. The town holds a feast to choose the winner. The mayor stands up and declares that the winner shall be decided by voting on the poem the candidates can come up with on the spot based on ...

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A limerick about limericks

There was a young poet from Japan

Whose limericks did not easily scan

When asked why this was,

He said, "It's because

IAlwaysTryToFitAsManySyllablesInTheLastLineAsEverIPossibly can."

I also wrote a poem, too, too

I feel.

You feel.

He feels.

She feels.

They feel.

We feel.

I know I'm not a great poet, but I've been told this is very touching.

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

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Canoe

Three explorers - a preacher, a poet and a banjo player - are lost in the jungle and captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The cannibals tell the three they will be sacrificed to provide skins for the tribal canoes - and because this is such an important and sacred ritual, each of them can make...

Ogden Nash and Robert Frost die and are facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter doesn't recognize them and asks for identification. They both respond that they are great poets from Earth and are surprised that they're not recognized. St. Peter challenges them - "If you're such great poets. let me hear you form a rhyme for "Timbuktu".

The poets think for a mom...

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