Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.

A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.

'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.

'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.

'What's a sausage?' asked the Communist

What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.

He just looked at me and said Mao.

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

Why did the socialist drop out of high school math?

Because there were too many damn inequalities.

Bernie Sanders is a true socialist

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but when it inevitably fails, they will be sure to inform us it wasn't a real light bulb.

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

What do you call it when a socialist teacher can't control his students

Class struggle

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

“We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18” says the bartender.

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?

Because proper tea is theft

Two nudist socialists are sitting on a porch.

The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?"

The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

Why can’t you tell socialists a joke?

Because not everyone will get it.

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

What is the difference between a capitalist society and a socialist one?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist one, it's the other way around.

Why did the liberal not want to talk to the socialist?

Because they are anti-social.

A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says

"sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

Why are socialist school teachers so disorganized?

Because they love to see the class struggle.

I scored extremely well on my socialist exam last week.

I got top Marx.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

What did the socialist say to the fisherman?

Sea's the means of production.

A socialist, conservative, and a millionaires kid all agree on one thing......

The stock market is rigged against the little guy.

A socialist walks into a bar and says

"Hey everyone! Drinks on me!!who's paying?"

Socialist jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them.

A pair of Lightbulb Jokes

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to hold a carton the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored b...

John Delaney must be a socialist

Because he loves getting publicly owned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

How are old people in Socialist republics similar?

They have a tendency to collapse

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

What do you call a funny person who is a socialist?

A commie-dian

Did you hear the one about having lunch in a socialist state?

Sorry, you wouldn't get it.

I finally understand the difference between capitalism, libertarianism, and socialism.

Capitalists hire libertarians to say socialism is bad. Socialists say capitalism is bad for free. And libertarians will say everyone else is bad as long as they get paid.

What do you call a socialist wearing flip-flops?

Bernie Sandals.

All my friends and family thought I'll be a broke socialist out of college

**BUT I BECAME A BOLD CAPITALIST**

Queso is the perfect food for socialists....

'cause everybody chips in!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

An old but gold Soviet joke

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?

A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.

Q: And what's a misfortune?

A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

Two American communists decide they would like to emigrate to the Soviet Union.

The two men, names Ron and John, did not trust the negative things they had heard about the USSR in the press, since they believed that was just capitalist propaganda meant to discredit communism. However, just to be sure, the men formulated a plan to investigate what the country was like personally...

What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is a socialist

When he grabs ‘em right by the pussy, he is seizing the means of production.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a sunny morning Brezhnev goes out on the balcony of his apartment

He looks to the east, and says, “Hello, sun!” The sun replies, “Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich, the beloved leader of our glorious socialist motherland, the hope of all progressive humanity, and the guardian of peace on Earth!” In the evening, Brezhnev admires the beautiful sunset and fishes for a...

I shape my political ideology around an old socialist Jew.

Jesus Christ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet Russia. Verbal history exam

The professor asks the first student

"Comrade, what ideology does your father follow?"


"He is a monarchist" replies the student


"And when was our great nation established" asks the professor.


"Tsardom of Russia was established 1547" replies the student ...

What do you call someone who likes making friends and is always down for some social interaction?

A Socialist.

An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.

While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.



The Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

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