Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

How do you starve a Socialist?

You hide their food stamps under their work boots.



Edit; Thank you /u/DoctorBrohoof for my first gold!

What grade did the socialist get from economics?

Top Marx

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.

He just looked at me and said Mao.

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

A Communist and a Socialist walk in to a bar

one says to the other, "Wanna share a drink?"

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but when it inevitably fails, they will be sure to inform us it wasn't a real light bulb.

Why can't you tell socialists a joke?

Because not everyone will get it.

What do you call it when a socialist teacher can't control his students

Class struggle

Why did the liberal not want to talk to the socialist?

Because they are anti-social.

Bernie Sanders is a true socialist

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

Why did the socialist drop out of high school math?

Because there were too many damn inequalities.

Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.

A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.

'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.

'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.

'What's a sausage?' asked the Communist

Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?

Because proper tea is theft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...

... until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets

Two nudist socialists are sitting on a porch.

The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?"

The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says

"sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

I finally understand the difference between capitalism, libertarianism, and socialism.

Capitalists hire libertarians to say socialism is bad. Socialists say capitalism is bad for free. And libertarians will say everyone else is bad as long as they get paid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

A socialist, a nihilist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

What's the difference between a capitalist world and a socialist one?

In the first, man exploits man. In the second, it's the other way around.

Socialist jokes aren't funny.

Unless everybody gets them.

How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!

What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity.

What do Riley Reid and a European socialist have in common?

They both like the BBC.

Why did the socialist win the race?

He was the quickest on his Marx.

A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.

The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”

The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”

The wife dis...

All my friends and family thought I'll be a broke socialist out of college

**BUT I BECAME A BOLD CAPITALIST**

Queso is the perfect food for socialists....

'cause everybody chips in!

What do you call a communist version of facebook?

Socialist media

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a sunny morning Brezhnev goes out on the balcony of his apartment

He looks to the east, and says, “Hello, sun!” The sun replies, “Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich, the beloved leader of our glorious socialist motherland, the hope of all progressive humanity, and the guardian of peace on Earth!” In the evening, Brezhnev admires the beautiful sunset and fishes for a...

What's the best question to ask an avowed socialist?

Can I borrow $100?

A Socialist, a Communist, and a Liberal together at a table in a bar, what do you get?

An alt-right.

An old but gold Soviet joke

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?

A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.

Q: And what's a misfortune?

A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

German Refugee

A refugee is sitting in the street in Berlin, bemoaning his life, when suddenly, a genie appears.

"I'm the socialist, liberal genie," says he, "and I'm here to grant you three wishes."

The refugee says "You see this gap in my teeth? I want it fixed." No sooner does he say that, that he...

Russianbias

Twenty-five years ago, in December of 1991, the Soviet Union disintegrated. Humorist J.P. O'Rourke, the author of "The Baby Boom: How It Got That Way" told us, "Many of my favorite jokes came from behind the Iron Curtain. Maybe because humor was particularly sharp because it was the only weapon peop...

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him....

The devil is giving a banker a tour of hell...

... and as they're passing the pits of despair the banker notices a pit with no guards.
"Won't the sinners escape with no guards?" Asks the banker.
The devil replies, "Oh that pit is filled with the socialists, they don't need guards. As soon as one crawls out the others pull him back in."

Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . .

Socialist Media.

Two American communists decide they would like to emigrate to the Soviet Union.

The two men, names Ron and John, did not trust the negative things they had heard about the USSR in the press, since they believed that was just capitalist propaganda meant to discredit communism. However, just to be sure, the men formulated a plan to investigate what the country was like personally...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Yugoslavian jew moves to israel

After ww2 most of the (still alive) yugoslavian jews moved to Israel.

Shlomo shekelowitz decides to stay in yugoslavia just to test the new socialist regime.

After a year he moves to israel.

One of his old friends sees him and asks

SCHLOMO! Long time we did not see each o...

Bartender and His Customers

A neurosurgeon, two Cubans, a fascist, a socialist, and a prisoner all walk into a bar together.

The bartender asks, "What's new?"

They all reply, "I'm running for president."

Two socialists are walking down the street..

When one turns and looks at the other and asks, "Is this democratic socialism? Or is this just another pseudo-progressive authoritarian state?"


The second socialist reported the first one for using hate-speech in a public place and the police made the arrest.

An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.

While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.



The Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra...

My old Russian man once said...

**'A bottle of Vodka a day keeps the socialists away.'**

It's time to act now

Let's stage a socialist takeover of Broadway and seize the means of productions!

An elderly woman wins the lottery

Edith, 95 years old, a holocaust servivor, one day scoops big on a $250m jackpot.
She is asked on to her local radio station for an interview. She brings along her best friend Betty who was with her in a concentration camp.

When asked by the host what she is going to do with her winnings. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

Lenin in Poland

In the early 1970's Brezhnev announces to the Politburo that he is making a state visit to Poland, and that in honor of the trip he wishes to bring the Polish people a momentous gift. It is decided that Brezhnev should bring a large painting entitled "Lenin In Poland." After all, what could be a mor...

Lightbulbs

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*One, as long as it's someone else's bulb.*

How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*None, the invisible hand of the market will screw it in.*

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lig...

New Deal joke my grandfather told me

Everyone has 2 cows.

The Socialist keeps 1 and gives 1 to his neighbour.

The Communist gives both cows to the government who gives back some of the milk.

The Fascist keep the cows but gives the milk to the government, who then sells some of it back.

The New Dealist shoots...

Message from Europe

European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get robbed, should the police help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
Europ...

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