UPJOKE
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

Andrew Garfield, Tobey McGuire and Tom Holland got into an accident upon arriving at a party.

As it turns out, they're terrible parallel parkers.

A joke I would tell when I manned the Tom Sawyer Island rafts at Disneyland

Yarr! (Cause you gotta start with a "Yarr") Watch yerselves folks! Wouldn't wanna fall into the water there! These waters are cursed! I've seen many a good swimmer sink straight down without a chance! Why, my friend Yancy looked upon the poor souls sinking down to the watery depths one by one. He tr...

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Legendary Welsh singer Tom Jones visits Legendary Liverpudlian Cilla Black,with an offer of amazing sexy sex.

He says, "I'll make love to you three times, and each time will be better than the last. It'll be the best sex you've ever ever had. I'll need a sleep in between bouts, but apart from that it'll be sex sex sexy sex."

Cilla Black agrees, and Tom Jones, true to his word, gives her the most amaz...

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked.

It's not unusual' he replied.

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Tom walks on the street

Tom walks on the street and sees an old friend in a hurry with his hands full of books.

"Hey Dave. Long time no see. Where are you going with all those books?"

"I just enrolled in a university and I'm going home to study."

"And what are you studying?"

"Logic"

"Logi...

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

What do you call Tom Hanks that goes on a boat?

Tom Cruise

Tom Brady retired, but he does so as the GOAT, with 7 Super Bowls, but more importantly, he’s 5x better than Nickelback.

…he’s a quarterback

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Jim and Tom are walking in the woods, when they find a pile of crap

Jim turns to Tom and says “I’ll give you $1,000 to eat a spoonful of it?”
Tom says “I could really use the money, it’s a deal!” and proceeds to eat a spoonful.

He then turns to Jim,“Hey Jim, I’ll give you $1,000 if you can also stomach a spoonful?”
Jim says “I could really use the money...

Report: Tom Brady to retire.

Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.

Did you hear that toms general store and andys drug store are merging?

I guess you could call it a marriage of convenience.

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

Which superhero is the biggest peeping Tom?

Spied-her-man

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

Tom Hanks is so nice…

…every time he signs an autograph he writes T.HANKS

Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.

I went into the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise....

He lifted me up and sat me on a cushion...

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Salesman

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we'...

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

Peeping Tom

Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob.

"That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when ...

Tom: Hey, do you like fruits?

James: Not really.

Tom: And salad?

James: Not much.

Tom: Then you’re not gonna like what I did.

James: What? You made fruit salad?

Tom: Nah, I made out with your wife.

Did you hear the new Spider-Man movie will be Tom Holland’s last?

He said he will continue the story as a YouTube series. It will be a web spin-off.

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Paddy and Tom are in the pub, both extremely drunk..

Tom goes to the loo and returns with his fly down and his dick hanging out. After a moment, Paddy notices something and says to Tom "Oh my God, there's a snake on your leg." Tom, now terrified, asks Paddy "What do I do?!!!" "Stay still. I will deal with" Paddy replies. Then he takes an empty bottle ...

Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.

Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.

Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.

The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "

...

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all...

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

How much does Tom Brady pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

Tom goes to a funeral

So one day, Tom, who is a villager, receives a letter from his good friend Harry who lives in the city. The letter says that Tom's father died while in the city and he should come for the funeral. Tom is heartbroken and shaken due to the news, but he has to go anyway.

He arrives at the funera...

People think Tom Cruise is short for a man

It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"

Tom was not the brightest kid in his school.

None of his classmates liked him. He was plain stupid when it came to even simplest stuff. His teacher always told him "you're driving me crazy".

One day, Tom's mother visited school and when she spoke to teacher, the teacher directly said: "Your child is absolutely stupid, not only his grad...

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

Don't read this, it's too long and not at all funny.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to...

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

What do Tom Brady and Robert Kraft still have in common?

They go to Florida for happy endings

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.

He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerful...

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom re...

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

Where did the peeping Tom go when he fell out of a tree and broke his foot?

The I.C.U.

(Courtesy my nephew)

Peeping Tom decided to spend more time at home . . .

He was trying to maintain a proper lurk/wife balance.

Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy

Because it could lead to inflation.

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

You should never play with ouija

Tom is telling his friends not to play with ouija.

"You should never ever play with ouija, it is really horrible..."

His friends are getting nervous. Tom continued,

"Last week, Karen asked ouija a question, and now she is still in that room."

"She asked ouija, '*w...

Tom can’t hold petrol

But Jerry can

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Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

Tom is coming to the school with a huge black eye

Teacher: what happened, were you in a fight? You know it's forbidden!
Tom: No, we went fishing with Pa, and a huge hornet sat on my eye!
Teacher: my goodness! Did it bite you? Tom: Nah, Pa managed to kill it with the oar

When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it...

...It’s a Peking Duck.

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

I don't think my GF is what Tom Petty would call and American Girl

She doesn't take it easy, and unfortunately, doesn't make me last all night.

There once was an Irishman that wanted to immigrate to America

His name was Tom Dunn. He lived in Ireland his whole life, but wanted to see what better opportunities America had to offer him.

He decided to make the trip, promising his mother he will write to her every day and that she should come visit him when he is all squared away. “I’ll be the Presid...

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Tom suffers from severe constipation.

After years of searching around and trying every method and medication under the sun, he finally finds the only medicine that works.

One day, he goes to his doctor to get his prescription.

"I can't give it to you, sorry," says the good doctor.

So Tom runs around the city checkin...

Why is Tom Brady always so optimistic?

He sees the football as half full.

Tom Brady died

When he got to Heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Tom", said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special and walked up to his house. On ...

I had a strange dream about Tom Cruise...

He kept telling me about all the different people he met that day. He said he saw a black couple, saw three Hispanic men and 1 Jewish guy. Tom Cruise's Minority Report.

My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan

"Well, it's not unusual" i told her

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater to rewatch his movie - the Dark Knight Rises. To avoid being recognized on the street, he rushes into the theater, forgetting to wear his mask. Before he gets far, one of the theater employees stops him. Tom thinks it’s one of his fans asking for an autograph but to...

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

Whats Tom Hanks Without Resistance?

Tanks

I'm happy being single but...

sometimes I'll be walking down the street and see a happy couple coming towards me, holding hands and wearing matching outfits. And I just can't help but think to myself, *Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hate them with?*

-Tom Allen

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

Did you hear about how Tom Cruise belittled his film crew over Covid violations?

Normally he's the one that be little...

Tom is lying on his deathbed while his wife is baking a cake in the kitchen

"Oh please Marie, can you give me a slice of that cake?"

"No," says his wife stern, "that's for after the funeral!"

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Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

My mate Tom lost his two big toes in an accident. We now call him ...

Tomatoes

Disaster at the pet show

Our ginger tom won overall best in show! It was a cat-has-trophy.

Did you hear Tom Cruise rented a whole ship for the M17 crew’s accommodation in Norway?

It really is a Tom Cruise.

If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...

Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

Mr. Tom was teaching his class about abstract nouns.

He explained how abstract nouns refer to something you can think of, but can't touch. He then asked a student sitting at the back of the class for an example.

*"My father's Cadillac."*

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk ...

As I saw Tom Cruise firing bullets at an innocent crowd, I immediately made a wish.

It was after all a Shooting Star!

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Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all ...

Tom Hanks really said catch me if you can

and my god did he catch it

What does Tom Daly have in common with Micheal Schumacher?

They both have skid marks on their helmet.

Tom Brady walks into a bar

to watch the Super Bowl.

Why didn't Tom Hiddleston want a big birthday party?

He wanted to keep it Loki

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

Why is Tom Brady against raising the federal minimum wage?

He doesn’t want things to get too inflated.

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

Tom Hanks was right when he said that life is like a box of chocolates

You never know what virus you’re gonna get

Tom's excuse

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?

Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

Tom finds a lamp in his grandfather’s attic

Seeing that it’s a little dusty, he rubs it. To his surprise, a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

Genie: greetings, mortal. As you have summoned me, i will give you three wishes

Tom: alright, i wish to be rich.

Genie: granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: i wish i had...

Tom Brady must be a golfer

Because golfers are known for their inability to count to four

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I wanted to watch this famous Tom Hanks movie, but I made a typo and ended up downloading a movie about a sex slave in a jungle.

It was called Forest Gimp.

When Tom Hanks is finishing an email...

...he doesn't need to write a signature after he gives thanks

What’s it called when a Peeping Tom is skilled in his game?

Peak Performance

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

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