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Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy wor...

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches.

Chris Hemsworth arranged a party for Tom Hiddleston's birthday that not many people knew about.

It was a Loki event.

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Tom dick and Harry are onboard a plane that's about to crash

God appeared and make a deal with them, "give me $20 and jump and I'll save your lives" he said.

Tom reach into his pocket and give God $20 and jumped out the plane. He landed into a pool of water and survived.

Dick handed God his $20 and jumped, he then landed on a pile of snow and su...

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Why did you fuck her Tom?

Tom: She was lying there naked Dave! What am I suppose to do?

Dave: Autopsie Tom! Autopsie!

Tom: Don’t tell me how to do my job!

Dave: You are the worst veterinary ever!

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

Susan and Tom were caught in a terrible car accident

Susan and Tom were caught in a terrible car accident and found themselves standing before God at the entrance to Heaven. God looks down at them and says,
“You both have done well on Earth and have earned my love, you may.....”

Tom interjects, “Did we really die? I can’t remember any of ...

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

The lady next door came by and said,"Tom."

So I said,"yes"
She said,"I want you to take off my dress"
I said,"ok"
"Then I want you to take off my bra,"she continued.
"Yeah!"
"Then I want you to take off my panties and high heels"
"O.k."
"AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME ME YOU PERVERTED,USELESS,THIEF!!!"

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

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What’s The difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

Pick pockets snatch watches.

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

What does Tom do before it's his turn to sing?

Tom Waits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hardy, and Owen Wilson dressed up as musicians for a party.

Tom Hardy said, "I'll be Beethoven."

Owen Wilson said, "I'll be Mozart."


Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

So Tom is at a Ghetto Strip Club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

What’s the difference between Tom Brady and Lance Armstrong?

Lance Armstrong cheats with only one deflated ball.

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Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

God and Tom Brady

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a nice little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom”, said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, inde...

Tom decided he needed a haircut, so he went to the barbershop

After getting his cut, he was making some small talk with his barber, when a boy no more then 10 walks in, and the barber whispers into Tom's ear "watch how dumb this kid is"
The barber walks over and greets the kid, holding his hands out, one hand with 5 Loonies, and there other with a 10 dollar...

Is there a more Dutch sounding actor than Tom Holland?

Yes, there's Tom Hollander.

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A lot of guys thought Tom Cruise was gay

But look how that blew up in all those dudes' faces.

Tom Brady has 6 rings...

... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap

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What do a Bird Watcher and a Peeping Tom have in common?

They both loving hanging out in trees looking for Great Tits!

To see a peeping tom at my window while I’m changing is frightening....

But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut

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what’s one similarity between prostitutes and Tom Brady?

they both deflate Robert Kraft’s balls

Tom Brady is 5 times better than Nickelback

He's a quarterback

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper, surprised and pleased, says, "Oh, really? Tom Collins?"

This is my favorite joke.

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

Tom Brady's so old...

He won his first Superbowl in standard definition.

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Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all ...

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Tom, Bill and Michael are sitting in a bar...

Tom has very short arms, Bill has a very short neck and Michael has a tiny dick.

Tom says "I bet I have the shortest arms in the entire world!", Bill says "I bet I have the shortest neck in the world!" and Michael says "I bet i have the smallest dick in the world!".

Believing they hav...

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

What's the difference between a pickpocket and peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches


EDIT:
my first gold! Thank you kind stranger. I do like gold even though it gives me a gilt complex

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Tom Jones Syndrome

This guy went to his doctor and said,

“Doc, I can’t stop singing certain songs. All morning I’ve been humming ‘The Green, Green Grass Of Home.’ Yesterday it was, ‘Delilah.’ Last week I sang ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ at least 100 times! What’s wrong with me?”

The Doctor says, “Sounds ...

Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It’s called Whisky Business

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

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Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

Have you heard Tom Holland's reaction to the end of Infinity War? ***Spoilers***

***Spoilers***
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He was blown away by it!

There are actors called Tom Holland and Tom Hollander

I can only deduce from this that there are also actors called Tom Holland With A Vengeance, Live Free or Tom Holland & A Good Day To Tom Holland.

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I call my penis Tom Cruise.

It does all its own stunts, has questionable beliefs, and I have to use camera tricks to make it look taller.

John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time yo...

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The Dave Joke

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss f...

"Tom, why did you stop wearing glasses right before we started dating?"

"It made both of us look better!"

How does Tom Wolfe dispose of the debris from his bathroom remodel?

He has a bonfire of the vanities.

I’ll let myself out.

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John and Tom are captured by an indigenous African tribe

They are brought to the chief who says: "If you not want dead, you bring me 100 fruits”

The two prisoners then go to the jungle in order to collect the fruits.

John soon finishes and brings a 100 cherries.
“Shove them in you ass without making sound.”, the chief ordered.

John...

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

Will and Tom go to the theatre, but Will gets up to leave after the curtain closes for the first interval.

‘Where are you going?’ asks Tom. ‘It’s not worth the wait,’ says Will. ‘Look in the programme. Act two - one month later.’

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Tom and his buddy got drunk

Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."

So it was done.

Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screamin...

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

If Tom Cruise owned a liquor distillery, what would he call it?

Whiskey Business

A guy goes to the doctor.

A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Tom Clancy and Tom Cruise got in a fight.

One of then put up a novel fight and the other came up short.

Tom only chases the most suitable mouse.

I guess that is Jerry picking.

What did Tom Brady say when he lost the Superbowl?

Man, that Ertz...

What kind of underwear did Tom Petty wear?

He didn’t. He was free ballin’.

Tom Cruise likes his women like he likes his coffee.

Oh wait, his lawyers asked me to say he doesn't like coffee.

Tom cruise is going to star in a romantic movie about trying to stay aroused long enough to get his wife pregnant.

It's called 'emission impossible'

"it can't be female, it's not the queen!"

Said Tom buoyantly.

Jerry is that you?

said Tom.

Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"

Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"

Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting. I love it, wouldn't gi...

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

Tom Brady, Hilary Clinton, and Urban Meyer walk into a bar.

None of them can get an Uber home because they've all destroyed their cell phones.

Why didn't Tom Hiddleston invite Chris Hemsworth to his Thor Ragnarok afterparty?

Tom wanted to keep it a loki affair.

Damn FBI, at it again.

One morning, Bill is awakened by forceful banging on his door. It was the FBI demanding to know where he kept his wood pile. So, he leads them around behind the house and watches as they knock down every last bit of his neatly stacked pile without saying a word. Then, they grab an ax and start bus...

Guys I just found Tom Hanks' social media password

It's 1Forrest1

Where do Peeping Toms with foot fetishes hold their annual conference?

Topeka, KS

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

Tom falls into a trap...

He helps pick Tom up, and Tom thanks her.

Seeing Paul Rudd and Tom Holland together really bugs me

Its make my skin crawl

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding a cup* Do it to my tea!

Magician: *waves hand* Done!

om: *holding a cup* It didn't work

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Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home.

Dick: That's what i call love.

Tom: The doctor called it paralysis.

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Tom is Shocked to See a Man in His Wife's Bed!

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroo...

Tom was grounded by his parents

They said he had no potential

From 1973 to 2002, Georgia politician Tom Murphy served as speaker of the Georgia House of Representatives

One day, Republican Congresswoman Anne Mueller rose to speak. She noticed, however, that her microphone was turned off. She said "Mr. Speaker, will you please turn me on?"

Murphy replied: "Thirty years ago, I would have tried."

Tom, Mike, and Joe survive a plane crash and swim to a nearby island.

Mike doesn't speak English very well. Joe Immediately starts giving orders to both of them: "Tom, go and find some branches so we can start a fire, Mike, try and find supplies. I will try to find some food." So they all split up. After a few hours, Joe and Tom went back to the place they made their ...

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to ...

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

There's an annual event for Peeping Toms this month

It's just around the corner

"The lobotomy was a success!"

Tom said absentmindedly.

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