This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

There is no ‘I’ in team..

but there is a ‘U’ in c*#t

Why dosent mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run,fight and jump are already in the U.S

Why did Cinderella get fired from the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

A San Francisco Giants fan, a San Diego Padres fan, and a Los Angeles Dodgers fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about which one loves his team more. The Padres fan insists he’s the most loyal.

“This is for San Diego!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.

He yells, “This is for San Francisco!” and pushes the Dodgers fan off the mountain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU by messing my teams multi milion dollar project

So i work for this big organization that has been working on quite an important project. That is, to take a picture of a certain object.
I am a temp and my job was to move the file from our local server to a safe drive so we can move the file (yes the file is that big) to another center. ...

What do you call a SWAT Team of Alligators?

Gator-Raid

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, my team and I finished constructing an elevator, and so the final step was to get permission from our supervisor. He got in and pressed the button to the highest floor. Suddenly, we all hear a strange sound, and then the elevator springs up to the highest floor in a blink of an eye.

That escalated quickly.

If you know anyone who wants to join the debate team

You should try to talk them out of it.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a c...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

What was George Bush’s favorite sports team?

The New York Jets

Can you name the THREE NFL teams where the name of their mascot begins with the letter "F"?

The **F**alcons, the **F**orty Niners and the **F**ucking Patriots!

What is the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girls track team?

One is a group of cunning runts.

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be suppo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My team decided to establish a tradition

Everyone on the team would sit in a circle surrounding the team captain before the start of the season. He would then headbutt the ball at one of us, and they would have to headbutt it back at him. The captain would then headbutt it at the person sitting next to them. This would repeat as it cycled ...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

Superbowl LIII is the only superbowl I've seen where fans of both teams got along and agreed

That it was the worst superbowl ever

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can’t the Patriots football team members have children?

Because their balls are deflated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.

​

By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warri...

Neil Armstrong and his team were training for moon expedition at a desert and met an old Native American

The native American asked : Can you do me a favour?

Neil Armstrong : Of course, what do you want?

Native : Please pass this important message to our holy spirits living on the moon

The native American started uttering the message in his tribal language and asked Neil Armstrong t...

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the leader of the team of strippers say to get everyone’s attention?

Alright team, all hands on dick.

What do you call an angry basketball team?

The Saltics

Teams are interested in Kareem Hunt

I didn't know kickers where in such high demand.

To The Jamaican Bobsled Team

After the Winter Olympics, one fellow is so taken with the Jamaican bobsled team that he decides that they deserve an epic scale statue in Jamaica. He travels to Jamaica, and talks with every government official and rich person he can find. All of them chase him off saying that it's a crazy idea, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A football team went on a trip by a plane

They started playing football in the cabin and the pilots were not happy, so the captain said to the flight attendant : "Go deal with this shit! " Later the plane was quiet and he asked his flight attendant : "What did you do? " The flight attendant answered : "Simply I told them to go play outside ...

If you're ever playing a team game, remember....

Decapitation is a great way to get ahead of the competition

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier wit...

What do you do when Team Rocket stops breathing?

You give them Meowth to Meowth.

I got kicked off my bowling team the other day

I managed to knock all the pins down on my first two turns. Then on my third turn I did it again and the leader of the team turned to me and said "Sorry, you're going to have to leave the team".

Apparently they have a three strike policy.

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.

It's just been one Thing after another.

I think Sublime would make a great oncology team

They’d smoke two joints before they smoke two joints, and then they’d smoke tumor.

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes...

reserve a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blond...

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

How many strikes does it take to get a French baseball team out?

None. They’re already on it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

I don't see race

was the last thing I said after getting kicked off the track team.

A chess team is sitting in a hotel lobby bragging about a recent victory

The hotel manager comes out and tells them that they all need to leave immediately.

As they’re heading out the door one of the players asked why they were being kicked out.

“Because,” said the manager

“I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A team of black inmates play basketball against a team of white inmates in prison. The black inmates win. Why?

Home court advantage.

What's the difference between the President of the United States and the management staff of a Los Angeles baseball team?

One of them drafts Dodgers. The other dodges drafts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

After a lot of hard work I’ve finally made the local limbo team.

I had to bend over backwards to get in though.

Maradonna was asked by a reporter if his '86 national team could beat Iceland.

He replied "Yes, I think 1-0"

"Only 1-0?" asked the reporter.
.
Maradonna answers " yeah we are nearing our sixties"

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

What's Donald Trump's favourite baseball team?

The Dodgers.

A question asked to the Olympic boxing team regarding the dangers of their sport.

10% responded that boxing is dangerous to health, the remaining 90% did not understand the question.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn’t choose to be on losing team

that would be Sioux side.

What does a Cleveland Cavaliers fan do when his team has won the NBA Finals?

He turns off the PlayStation 4.

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder finally removes team's controversial and offensive name.

He announced yesterday they will be removing the "Washington" from their name.

2 guys walking along the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad or wh...

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.

Interviewer: By how much?

Pelè: 1:0

Interviewer: That's it?

Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

There’s no I in team

But there are 5 in ‘individual brilliance’

My track and field team complained that the hurdles were too short

But I'm not worried, they'll get over it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

LPT: In light of Hurricane Michael, remember to always look out for yourself. As they say: There's no 'I' in Team...

But there is an Eye in Hurricane.

What is Thanos Favorite Football team?

The Cleveland browns.

So far the have:

1 Regulatory Win

1 Overtime Win

1 Tie

1 Overtime Loss

1 Regulatory Loss


Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia

-It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..

said one of the orphans.

My brother plays soccer for a team called the Musketeers

They've started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.

There is no I in team

But there is an EA so you can pay $2.99 for the teamwork upgrade.

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

Boss: There is no 'I' in 'team'

Me: There is no 'we' in 'team'
Boss: So what should we do?
Me: There is 'tea' in 'team'. Let's go and have some.

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

2man Team

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wip...

Team lunch at the steakhouse

To celebrate the close of a good fiscal year, the company's CEO takes his team of accountants out for a fancy lunch.

The waiter comes by and asks, "Are you ready to order?"

"Yes. I'll have the steak," says the CEO.

"Very good, sir," says the waiter, "and for your vegetables?"...

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

What's the difference between Courtney Love and a hockey team?

A hockey team showers after three periods.

What do you call an all kid superhero team.......

Just Kids League

The English national football team

Really is coming home now...

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

Told my dad that 12 boys from a junior football team are lost in a flooded cave in Thailand.

Dad: They should call a priest.

Me: Dad! They could still be alive.

Dad: Yes I believe that they are still alive as well, just toss a priest in the cave and he'll find those boys real quick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] If they wanted an orange puppet at the helm, Ernie should have run for other team.

At least the hand up his ass is an American.

You see comrade, there is no I in team.

But there is u in gulag.

As an armchair pundit, I can't help thinking the Thai team would have escaped sooner

If they'd made better use of their subs

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

What's the difference between the Argentina national team and a lawnmower?

You can't run the lawnmower on choke for 95 minutes!

When I die I want the England national team to be my pallbearers.

So they can let me down one last time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class....