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Team Jokes

What does the Welsh football team captain do to his opponents?

Wrexham

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

There's no 'I' in 'team,'

But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'

What do a bad computer and a bad racing team have in common?

Drivers that frequently crash

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.

Policemen are looking into it now.

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Did you hear about the new TV drama about a team of plumbers?

It’s gonna be a shit-show.

Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not..

Four college friends, teammates on the school's Rowing team, take a trip to Patagonia on Spring Break and get lost for a couple weeks.

Having brought food enough for only five days, they were soon forced to butcher and eat their alpaca, who they'd used to carry some of their gear.

That gave them enough food for a while, but even that eventually wore thin, until they were down to just the pack-animal's tongue, lips, and face...

The college soccer team wants to interview me because I say I once ran two soccer teams on my resume

Yes I used to own a foosball table, I’m their best choice.

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Whats the difference between Alex Murdaugh's Legal Team and a Prostitute

A Prostitute always gets her client off!

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up [NSFW]

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction!

Obviously, it'll be named ElonGates.

|====D

Alex Murdaugh announces new member of legal team.

Alex Murdaugh announced that Jorge Santos would join his legal team to help him with his testimony.

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years

He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.

He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.

“T...

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

What two MLB players do you need on your team to have no worries for the rest of your days?

1) Acuña
2) Machado

Why isn’t homeschooling more popular in Texas?

It costs a lot of money to field your own football team.

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

When I die, I want the Uvalde police SWAT team to be my pallbearers.

That way, they can let me down like they let their entire city down.

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.
...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

Gastroenterology Jokes

Looking for good GI jokes. That’d make a GI doctor laugh!

—-

Good ones I have

—-

A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon

It was a week before I realised you have to eat them

——

what do you call a fake gluten intolerance?

a sill...

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

An Irish couple took in an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she...

I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

Canada is sending a strong team to the World Cup.

Unfortunately, it's the drinking team.

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anyth...

Why did the police chief assign the epileptic cop to K9 patrol?

They made a perfect team. The K9 did the searches and the cop did the seizures!

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

The CEO of KFC requests an audience with the Pope.

After some discussion, the CEO tells the Pope that he has a proposition. The company will make a $1 billion donation to the Catholic Church on one condition- that the Lord’s Prayer wording be officially changed from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.”
The p...

There’s so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally

Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war’s going they’ll have a heck of a team

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"

The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
<...

This new girl joined our soccer team

I was amazed, she was exactly what we wanted

She was tall, she was athletic, her legs were long, she wasn't fragile and she was extremely good with her hands

The moment I saw her I knew,

She's a keeper.

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfoun...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

What is the Pope's favorite NFL team?

The cardinals

Frank and Fiona Lames were very upstanding citizens.

They worked very normal 9-5s, were involved in the community, and cheered for [insert reader’s favorite sports team].


The lovely couple had two teenage children: Felicity and Felix. The two youngsters were nothing like their parents. They went were pranksters and miscreants, always getti...

If a villain wanted to kill Antman and Wasp….

Would they call in the SWAT team?

A fly is buzzing around a cop, why doesn’t he kill it?

That’s what the swat team is for!

A man goes to see a psychologist...

The man tells the doctor that he has a recurring nightmare in which two teams of rats play football.

The doctor said: 'Take this pill, and tonight the nightmare is gone.'

'I can't do that.' The other one said.

'Why not?' The doctor asked, puzzled.

With a grin on his face...

Our company is implementing a version of Microsoft Teams Telephony where users keep their microphones muted

They're calling it Teams Telepathy.

One for the bassists of Reddit

A team of scientists were exploring a newly discovered island with a handful of different tribes that had been living there for centuries, and were being led by a guide of one of the peaceful tribes.

As the trek went on, the jungle continued to get thicker. As they got deeper into the jungle...

Apple is teaming up with a South Korean car manufacturer to produce a flat packed automobile.

They're going to call it the iKia.

ted cruz, greg abbott, and the uvalde swat team run into a bar

because they heard a car backfire

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world.”

Bubba says “Yes I do!”

Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!”

Bubba says...

A team of Ukrainian civilians is training with cardboard guns when the Russian army suddenly surrounds them.

Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th...

Who was Osama bin Laden’s favorite team?

The New York Jets.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

"And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!"

"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...

Don't tell them about the orgy.

What do you call the leader of a team of arborists?

The Branch Manager

What are Pee Wee Herman's favorite Baseball Teams?

The Expos and The Yankees

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

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Yo mama so fat, when she has sex with multiple men its not called a gang bang,

Its called a team-effort

For a second consecutive year a team competing in the Super Bowl has home field advantage.

To ensure this doesn't happen again, all subsequent Super Bowls will be held in Dallas, Texas.

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?

Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.

Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?

Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

The new School Sports team got it's first meeting

The coach brought everyone together, then said

"I want all of you to state your name, one by one"

He pointed to a girl. She said "Sarah"

He pointed to a boy. He said "Jason"

Then he pointed to a girl with one leg. She said "Eileen"

The coach replied "Yeah you do"

My team had to play a football game on a pitch that was littered with loads of stones and gravel.

Luckily we still won on aggregate.

Doctor's phone rings.

Dad: Doctor!, Doctor!

We were watching soccer with a TV dinner.

I guess I wasn't looking, I nicked my son's wrist.

There's blood everywhere, I, I can't stop the bleeding,

.. wait, oh it's a mess..

Doctor: Don't panic, my nurse has called an ambulance.

What's...

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

After my son’s team won the championship, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.

Duty and Responsibility

The CEO of a large company used to take pride in HR development of his subordinates.

One day he was speaking to his management team on sense of responsibility.

He posed a question- "Tell me, sleeping with my wife is my duty or responsibility.?"

Pin drop silence...

After f...

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In the evening of 24 December 1944...

...a team of Allied commandos were taking advantage of the German revelry, sneaking behind enemy lines to kill or capture the kommandant of the nearby Nazi base, Klaus von Braun.

From their position in the shadows, they watched the kommandant as he passed from soldier to soldier, thanking...

There is no "i" in "team.

"But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So....there.

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is in the US

I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team.

He's the pitcher.

After many thousands of hours of research, a team of scientists at Loughborough University have finally managed to pinpoint the exact time of day a woman is likely to begin an argument.

Any.

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

...

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Eddie the Head

Eddie the Head was sad because his friends were playing football (soccer to our US friends) in the park and he could see them from his bedroom window. Eddie asked if he could join in. "Of course you can," they said. "You can be the ball!"

That night, bruised and bloody, Eddie lay in bed. "I h...

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

One good tern deserves another

Arctic terns, birds long famous for their thousands of miles migratory habits, have been profoundly affected by climate change. Researchers have determined that as landmarks have disappeared due to loss of ice, some terns get stressed to the point of prematurely ending their flights.

Exposur...

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?

They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

A minister and his friend in the congregation were fans of rival sports teams.

When they were due to play each other, the two made a gentleman's agreement not to pray for their team.

The minister's team ended up losing quite badly, and he decided to tease his friend about it from the pulpit on Sunday.

"My friends, you know that Doug and I back different teams. W...

After the acquisition of Activision, Microsoft has decided to rename Teams to...

Calls of duty

Did you hear that a group of hookers decided to make their own basketball team?

They're going to be called the Harlot Globetrotters.

A MSU fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a Michigan fan, are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The MSU fan insists that he is most loyal and then yells, "This is for SPARTANS!" and jumps off the
mountain.

Not to be out done, The Notre Dame fan next professes his love for his team. He screams,"This is for the Irish" and pushes the Michigan fan off the mountain.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

A blonde waiting for a repair team hears a knock at the door

Two workmen are standing there. One of them says "are you the woman that called for the double glazing?".

The blonde drops to her knees and says "OK but don't get it in my eyes this time"

What’s the worst sports team name for a Catholic high school?

The Predators

I’ve formed a new Jewish Basketball team with my friends.

Gefilte Swish

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

A year ago, the Jacksonville Jaguars thought that they found the best coach for their team.

Turns out that was an Urban myth.

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