This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

And name it ElonGates

Why does China have the best baseball team?

Because they took out the whole world with one bat

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

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Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to hell.

When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!

The Virgin Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"

"Yes," fum...

What is Al-Qaedas favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

I play battlefield and I switch teams a lot. Yesterday I found out why

I’m part Italian

There is no "I" in TEAM...

But there's a "ME" if you're a bit dyslexic.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

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Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride ...

Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team?

Because they ate all their bats.

blondes vs brunette

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and ha...

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

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Sports Teams should be named for what their city is famous for

For example: Dallas is known for cowboys, San Francisco was the place for the miners, 49ers, to bring their gold and claims, Islignton was famous as being home of the Artillery Regiment, thus "Arsenal," Milwauke HAD brewing.

Washington should change their name to "Senators," and Cleveland cou...

What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game?

Sorry Sliders

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo.

The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines.

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Bear Retrieval Team

A man wakes in London and looks out his apartment window to see a bear at the top of a tree in Hyde Park. He immediately calls the police who say yeah, we’ve been looking for the bear he recently escaped from the zoo we’ll send the specialist bear retrieval team. Shortly, there’s a knock at his door...

Irish Water Polo Team

Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
All their horses drowned.

What is the A Team called in Canada?

The Eh Team

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A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra

Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Your team here

There was a guy way up in the nose bleed seats at ‘your team’s’ home game. About the end of the first quarter, he spotted an old man and an empty seat down on the 50 yard line. He made his way down to the older gentleman, and asked if anybody was sitting there.

The man said “ my wife and I h...

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common?

They both need a good batter.

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TIL That New Zealand Decided Against Naming their Badminton Team the "Black Cocks."

Meanwhile no one in Australia batted an eye when their badminton team chose to be called the "Black Hunts."

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

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A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.


" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.


When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

The Washington pro football team picked out the perfect new name for the team, the Opossums. They are good at home...

But get killed on the road.

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NSFW Two guys are on a camping trip...

And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake.

When they meet up in the evening, the forest guy is "Hey, how did your day go?"

"Awesome. I went to this mountain lake, and there was...

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Scotland football team?

Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.

I hired a team of Northern Europeans to build me a shed

They never Finnished the job

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

My barbershop started a football team.

They’ve got a great line up.

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

The rowing team

Yeshiva University had a rowing team, and every meet they came in dead last. Meet after meet, last, last, last. It was horrible. So they decided to send a spy to Harvard to see how they trained.

When the spy returned from Harvard the entire team gathered around to hear the report.

"Wel...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

The dispensaries in California have teams devoted to rolling up marijuana.

It's a joint effort.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

There’s no I in Team.....

.....but there’s two in syphilis

What type of firearms does the Wonka chocolate factory security teams use

the UMP-A

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Store boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
<...

After the first 2 rounds of the NFL draft, this team's fans didnt think things could possibly get any worse...

...And here's the kicker...

An American tourist in Ireland...

An American tourist is on holiday for a few weeks in country Ireland.

On his second day he has to cash a cheque at a bank so he goes to the bank on the high street.

While waiting in line he looks out the window & notices 2 irish council workers going up 1 side of the street, then t...

A guy who is blind in his left eye and a guy who is blind in his right eye decide to team up.

After they combine forces, they realize they weren’t specific enough.

Guy number 1 turns to guy number 2 and says "Didn’t see that coming."

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

Which NBA team is most prepared for the quarantine?

The Pacers

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With all the recent name controversies, Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be renamed the Tampa Bay Tampons.

They are not the best team, but they are up there.

Why Bill Gates should lead the team to find the Corona Virus cure?

He has been dealing with viruses since Windows 3.0

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

The German National Basketball team just signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with Nike

From now on the only sneakers they'll be wearing are Herr Jordan's

Bear with me

please send a rescue team to the forest now!

I got fired from work today for taking the initiative.

It was a slow day so I thought why not let my team get some practice in to keep up their skills.

Didn't know it was against policy to set our fire station ablaze!

The pain of PSG

After a tragic and devastating loss in the UCL final,the players and staff return to their hotel with heavy hearts and minds.While traveling back to the stay on the bus,even finishing check-in,none of them have the
intention to speak a word.

But then the hotel goes into a blackout;an...

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Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.

Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"

The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."

Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to hi...

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player?

**Me:** once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.

**Interviewer:** and you?

**Me:** distracted her husband with an interview

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

I went to a Catholic school. A very Catholic school...

When our football team was up against it, our cheerleaders broke out into Gregorian Chant.

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

Why did the basketball player with corona virus got kicked from the team?

Because he started to travel too much.

Bill Gates created the Coronavirus so people would start using Microsoft Teams

dont know if this belongs here but I posted this in r/conspiracy and r/showerthoughts but everyone thought it was serious

A giant fly has attacked the local Police Station

Police have called in the SWAT team

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

We can teach kids there’s no i in team

But it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.

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A building supplies company placed an ad for an experienced warehouse person for their warehouse operation...

Bright (not that he could see it) and early the next morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

A bit taken aback, she goes to get her husband, the boss.

He takes one look at...

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

Who is China's favorite NBA team?

[REDACTED]

Tired of all the reposts, the admin team decided to number the jokes. So, if anyone wanted to repost, they'd just post the number and take their karma.

A new subscriber comes and watches this, unable to understand. He sees a post with just the number 3771, having 2.1k upvotes. He gets very confused.
So, he decides to make a post of himself. He posts 92075, and he gets 45.6k upvotes. He is intrigued, so much that he messages the mod team and ask...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

Life is like a dog sled team.

If you're not the lead dog, the view is always the same.

If people in Bangkok had a favorite NFL team, what team would they root for?

The Thai-tans

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees

Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

Why shouldn't you use a fitting room in a store run by Team Rocket?

They might try to take a Pikachu!

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes?

One is a bunch of cunning little runts...

What’s the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?

A basketball team actually showers after 4 periods.

American SWAT teams are like a box of chocolates.

They’ll both kill your dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ad man is overwhelmed with work...

An ad man is overwhelmed with work so he contracts our his easiest account, for Acme Nails, to his brother in law, who is a professional animator, to produce the ad.

Two days before it's due he still hasn't heard anything so he calls his BIL.

"Hey man, you must be done by now, right? I...

English premier league - football

What does Guardiola do with the Manchester City team during half time ?

He gives a Pep talk.

Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team?

Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

What's the difference between a gymnastic team and a playboy model?

The gymnasts do a bunch of cunning stunts.

Yeshiva crew

A yeshiva decides to start a crew team. But no matter how much they practice, they lose every single race. Eventually they decide to send one boy down to the nearby prep school as a spy, to watch their winning crew team and find out what their secret is.

After a day of reconnaissance, the bo...

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

Why do football teams keep using wide receivers?

If they want to get through the holes, shouldn’t they use narrow receivers?

Why did the game designer get moved from the writing team to the development team?

Because they had poorgrammar skills.


Please clap

What did the Titans team pilot say when they arrived in Kansas City?

Touch Down! Kansas City!

Chewbacca was young and playing in a sports team, but he wasn't doing all that well...

He's still a Wookie after all.

I was going to join the debating team at my university.

But they talked me out of it.

They say there's no “I” in team

But there's no “us” either, just “me”

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

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