UPJOKE
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China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was r...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

There's no 'I' in 'team,'

But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".

What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team?

The High Five

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anyth...

A group of friends put together a basketball team to play on the local town league and called the team “bye”

So far they have accumulated 4 wins from opponents no-shows.

The US womens Soccer team finally got paid like the mens team!

They preformed like the mens team too.

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

What is a mathematician's favorite hockey team?

the Edmonton Eulers

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

What's a dentist's favorite baseball team?

The Yanks.

Two of the wealthiest men in the world suffer from ED. They team up to make a new drug and call it...

Elongates

If Ironman and Silver Surfer teamed up

They would be alloys

When I die, I want the Uvalde police SWAT team to be my pallbearers.

That way, they can let me down like they let their entire city down.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

What's the difference between a whisk and Eddie Jones' Team?

A whisk can beat an egg whereas Eddie's team can't beat anything at the moment.

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

The college soccer team wants to interview me because I say I once ran two soccer teams on my resume

Yes I used to own a foosball table, I’m their best choice.

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

This new girl joined our soccer team

I was amazed, she was exactly what we wanted

She was tall, she was athletic, her legs were long, she wasn't fragile and she was extremely good with her hands

The moment I saw her I knew,

She's a keeper.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend

What is the Pope's favorite NFL team?

The cardinals

I used to run a pro-life debate team.

No one could de-fetus.

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

What do a bad computer and a bad racing team have in common?

Drivers that frequently crash

I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between Alex Murdaugh's Legal Team and a Prostitute

A Prostitute always gets her client off!

Who are the pirates favorite team at the world cup?

Ahrr-gentina

(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?

They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..

What does the Welsh football team captain do to his opponents?

Wrexham

I got cutted from the team today

the English team.

There is no "i" in "team.

"But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So....there.

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Did you hear about the new TV drama about a team of plumbers?

It’s gonna be a shit-show.

The English team visited an orphanage in brazil.

"It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope”,said Jose age 6.

Who was Osama bin Laden’s favorite team?

The New York Jets.

Canada is sending a strong team to the World Cup.

Unfortunately, it's the drinking team.

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get...

They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.

Policemen are looking into it now.

"And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!"

"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."

Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night.

Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.

The German women’s beach volleyball team plays against the Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team. Who wins?

The audience

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

What are Pee Wee Herman's favorite Baseball Teams?

The Expos and The Yankees

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

...

I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team.

He's the pitcher.

What do you call the leader of a team of arborists?

The Branch Manager

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is in the US

What is Donald Trump’s favorite sports team?

The Dodgers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

Who is China's favorite NBA team?

[REDACTED]

What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?

He turns off the PlayStation.

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

ted cruz, greg abbott, and the uvalde swat team run into a bar

because they heard a car backfire

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team?

Because they ate all their bats.

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....

...decided not to abbreviate their name

My baseball team don't allow anyone to wear Adidas.

Three stripes and you're out.

Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

If people in Bangkok had a favorite NFL team, what team would they root for?

The Thai-tans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name.

Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket...

... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.

American SWAT teams are like a box of chocolates.

They’ll both kill your dog.

What two MLB players do you need on your team to have no worries for the rest of your days?

1) Acuña
2) Machado

Your team here

There was a guy way up in the nose bleed seats at ‘your team’s’ home game. About the end of the first quarter, he spotted an old man and an empty seat down on the 50 yard line. He made his way down to the older gentleman, and asked if anybody was sitting there.

The man said “ my wife and I h...

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...

Don't tell them about the orgy.

I was going to join the debating team

but somebody talked me out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Yankees want Mr. Miyagi on their team?

Because he can catch fly balls with his chopsticks.

I’ve formed a new Jewish Basketball team with my friends.

Gefilte Swish

Where does the Georgian Olympic team train their cyclists?

In the Sakartvelo-drome

Why did the game designer get moved from the writing team to the development team?

Because they had poorgrammar skills.


Please clap

The rowing team

Yeshiva University had a rowing team, and every meet they came in dead last. Meet after meet, last, last, last. It was horrible. So they decided to send a spy to Harvard to see how they trained.

When the spy returned from Harvard the entire team gathered around to hear the report.

"Wel...

What do you call a Jewish baseball team from Pennsylvania?

A Philly minyan

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

Four college friends, teammates on the school's Rowing team, take a trip to Patagonia on Spring Break and get lost for a couple weeks.

Having brought food enough for only five days, they were soon forced to butcher and eat their alpaca, who they'd used to carry some of their gear.

That gave them enough food for a while, but even that eventually wore thin, until they were down to just the pack-animal's tongue, lips, and face...

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

All good teams require good communication...

So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?

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