John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..

A classic in honor of my cake day!


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written...

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?

'This is not labelled for individual sales'


I know, I dont get it either...

I'm starting a new business where I host parties for football players

Just trying to make ends meet

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Losing my virginity was alot like my first football game.

I got bruised and beat up but atleast my dad came.

Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate?

Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with...

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Football in Heaven

Tom Brady and Gronk are both old and close to death.

Tom goes to Gronk's bedside, and says, "Rob...when you die and get to heaven, can you come back and tell me if there's football there?"

Gronk says yes, and dies later that day.

So about a week later, Tom is sleeping when he h...

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What do you call two nuns and a prostitute playing football ?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

2 football players are in a bar

One walks up to the other and says hey, wanna shot?
The other says: Il pass

Why can't football players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...' ...

Why is the football stadium so windy?

Because of all the fans

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

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Two 90 year old men love football

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get ...

Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team?

Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

What happened to the football player who went to prison?

He used to be a tight end, but now he's a wide receiver.

How do football players stay cool?

By standing close to the fans

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What does NFL football and the Bachelor have in common?

Both involve a bunch of people fighting over some balls and a ring

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Why do football teams keep using wide receivers?

If they want to get through the holes, shouldn’t they use narrow receivers?

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

I saw so many people arguing about if it's called football or soccer, I thought calling it a new way...

Fooccer

Do you know what the 'N' on Nebraska's football helmet stands for?

Knowledge.

What would you get if you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man?

Football like no one has ever seen.

Man o.j simpson was a great football player

He killed it on and off the field

Where’s the best place in America to shop for a football kit?

New Jersey!

Why is Barcelona's football always untidy?

Because the goals are all Messi

How did Scrooge win the football match?

The Ghost of Christmas passed.

Where do sperm play football?

Con-dome

[OC] What do football (american) players and their cheerleaders have in common?

They all wear pads, but not all the time

What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team?

The New York Jets

A while ago my dad was playing football with a dwarf

Long story short my dads in jail for assult

Four guys were at a campsite.

They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next mor...

A study of different American’s choice of sport

Now this is profound:

It is very interesting looking over data of different socioeconomic groups in America and the different types of recreation they partake in, and what it means about them as a group.

Poor people tend to play basketball.

Working Class tend to play football<...

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A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

My girlfriend left me bacause all I do is talk about football.

Im so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.

If American football switched to metric

They'd have to convert 4th and inches

What is American football called in other countries?

30.48 cm ball

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

My ex broke up with me ‘cause she said I cared more about football than her.

I was gutted, we’d been going steady for about 5 seasons.

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

Why was it so hot after the football game?

Because all the fans left.

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

A bus load of blind people were on a day trip and the bus driver starts getting tired...

He says to the blind people, "I'm pretty knackered. I'm going to stop at the next pub for a bite to eat and a drink, what are you all going to do?"

One of them replies, "No worries, we'll have a little game of football." "Football?!" The driver cries, "But you're all blind!"

The blind...

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I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

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A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English.

He tells the horse, "I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the s...

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team?

Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

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Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.

“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.

The other three look at each other,...

Matthew McConaughey’s first initiative as owner of Austin Football Club will be to cut the Left Backs and Left Wingers. Their going to be “alright alright alright”

Got banned from r/soccer for this, they take their no jokes rule seriously. I’d been sitting on it other than that for a while.

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team

You're out of Luck.

If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster

You're officially out of Luck this season.

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

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Did you hear about the football team that wants to change their name to the "Tampons"?

Because they are only good for one period and have no second string.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

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A classic British football joke

Four British football fans are stranded on an Island, and one of them dies. The three who remain decide to eat the body to survive. One of them says "well, I support Manchester united, so I'll have his chest." The second says "well, I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver". The third Guy says "h...

What’s a jew’s favorite football position?

Quarterback

Football

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.



Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old...

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New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?











He turns off the PlayStation.



P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

What does a cannibalistic football player say to his teammates before a high five?

“Give me some skin!”

Why do dwarfs laugh when they play football?

Because the grass tickles their balls

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

Today's football results:

Real Madrid: 1
Imaginary Madrid: √-1

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Three men walking through a desert

Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.

Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.

The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry"

The three men all nodded.

"I tell ...

Two friends were sitting together

Two friends were sitting together watching a football match

One of them is a clown in a circus


They were all joking and laughing until the non-clown friend said to the other:

"seriously though jokes aside, what side are you supporting in the match"

The clown said "...

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

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I was in Japan watching a football game....

....after 90 minutes the players from both teams started fighting. I asked my friend what was happening. He said the were playing Ninjary time.

They say that loss of taste is an early sign of the virus.

I'm not worried at this point in that I still have a bitter taste in my mouth from the last several years of watching Michigan football.

Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

What position does a pig play in football?

Loinbacker

A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage.

“That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”

I was going to tell a football joke

but it had an offensive line.

What do you call it when a Bayern footballer steals from a French bank?

A Franc Robbery

I've been kicked, beaten, abused and locked away in cupboards since I was first born

Such is the life of a football

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