Man talking to his wife and asks “honey, where did you place the broken condoms?”

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

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Loud Snoring At Camp

Four guys were at deer hunting camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Luigi because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Luigi and comes to breakfast the...

England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes.

We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

Finally time for my thanksgiving joke!!

Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium?


Because he tryptophan

At a football match in England last week, my buddy tumbled over the row in front of us and hit his face on the next row of seats.

“Ahh!! I’ve got a bloody nose!” He shouted.

I responded, “yeah we all do, pal.”

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An English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which r...

If handball is played with your hands, and football is played with your feet ...

I don't think I want to learn how to play pickleball.

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In a Channel 8 poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex ?

Most of them responded , sex , but in halftime.

Doctor knows

Two friends are talking:

First: My doctor told me I must stop playing football.


Second: What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?


First: Not really. But he did see me playing.

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Some breaking English football news.

Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,

club doctors confirm.

There's no way they can catch anything..

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Football joke

Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.

"My boy", an old man said behind him, "I saw you play. I think I can help you"

"Are you a coach?"

"No I'm an eye doctor"

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Fresh married couple goes to a therapist

The husband was sitting there bored and the woman was angry at him.
The therapist saw that and asks the woman:


What seems to be the problem?


She says: I don't know, doctor. Since we got married he isn't paying attention to me. He doesn't even look at me. We haven't had sex i...

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match

Grandpa: who's playing?

Grandson: Czech and Slovakia

Grandpa: against who?

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door...

She heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get ...

Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

Cat's playing football

A man went to the doctor and told him:

"Hey doc, every night I see this dream where a bunch of cats are playing football"

The doctor replied, "hmm, this is weird"

The man said: "Yeah, what should I do?"

The doctor answered: "OK, you should skip sleeping tomorrow, and then...

A college student on spring break is having a conversation with his Dad.

"So how are your classes?"
asks the father.

"Good."

"How's the football team doing?"

"Okay."

"Making new friends?"

"Some."

"What are you thinking of majoring in?"

"Communications."

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

Woman's interpretation of football

A Guy Takes His Girlfriend To Her First Football Game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why ...

Just seen a French footballing legend playing a computer game

It was Thierry on Wii

Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we’re discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to s...

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A man at a restaurant approaches his waiter...

"You see that guy at the bar drinking martinis and watching football?" the man asks the waiter. "He just came up to my table, slapped me and called me a shithead! I'd like you to kick him out please."

"I can't kick him out, unfortunately," the waiter says. "I'm just a waiter."

"Well wh...

COVID is like my girlfriend..

I didn't think it would be that bad but she has taken over everything. I can't go play football and she has killed my dad.

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why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

A middle schooler was told he needed a jockstrap and cup...

...for flag football.

He had some allowance saved so decided to go to the sporting goods store to purchase the necessary items.

He really had no idea what he was supposed to buy so he asked the lady at the counter for assistance.

"She says, "So you need a jockstrap and a ...

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

A college freshman is trying out for the college football team.

"Can you run fast?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman runs along the length of the field in just over twelve seconds.

"Can you tackle?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman tackles a large dead tree and reduces it to a pile of sawdust.

"Can you pass the football?" asks the...

Customizable joke to make fun of any town

A little guy walks into a bar in <insert town> and says to the bartender, "You want to hear a <insert town> joke?

The bartender says, "Before you start, buddy, I want you to know that I am 6'2", 210 pounds and I am a native of <insert town>. See that guy coming out of the b...

Girlfriend moved out

Before she left, she claimed I was too much into football.

And we were only together for 3 seasons!

A football/soccer coach yells at his team after the game

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

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The Corporate Ladder

A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is Ame...

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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An italian man walks into a pub

The clerk, not wanting a fight between his english customers and the man, takes him aside and tells him not to talk about football.

The man agrees, and then asks if he can talk about sex. The clerk agrees.

The man then proceeds "we really fucked you over, didn't we?"

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

A woman whose husband was a photographer was quite used to him returning home late almost every day.

On asked why, he'd reply, "I had to shoot a car crash" or "I had to shoot a football game" or something similar. A friend decided to pay her a visit once. On asking how late her husband would be, she replied, not intending to shock her, "I don't know... He's gone to shoot the President."

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

What do orphans and football have in common?

Neither are going home.

I’m excited this joke will be read by a famous footballer.

Against all odds, Marcus Rashford will find this post.

What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.

The England football team visited a Ukrainian orphanage today, ahead of their upcoming match.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces, full of hopelessness and despair"

Commented Vladimir, age 7.

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

What's a football player's favorite ice cream?

Any given sundae

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The word Cunt is like the family football.

It gets thrown around a bit during the holidays.

Did you know, if you laid out all of your veins end to end across a football field...

You would likely die.

A little boy wakes up one night and realizes he needs to use the bathroom.

He runs downstairs to the living room, where his mother is having a party with her friends.

"I gotta pee!" yells the little boy. "I gotta pee!"

The mother takes her son to the bathroom. "Son," she says, "we do not yell the word 'pee' when grown-ups are around. Next time, just whisper, ...

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Celtic vs. Rangers

(Celtic and Rangers are rival Scottish football teams, the fans are *not* fond of each other.)

At the Celtic vs. Rangers match, Jimmy, a Celtic fan accidentally ends up with the Rangers fans.

To his bad luck, he is spotted just as Celtic score.
A huge, drunk and angry Scotsman walks...

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

What do you call two nuns and a hooker playing football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

Sir Bobby Charlton was having an interview.

"I won many awards and honours playing football for my club!" He boasted.

"United?" Asked the interviewer.

"Indeed I am!" Sir Bobby proudly replied.

So I used to love watching football in Egypt when I visit my friends in Morocco, but I’ve been understanding it less and less.

The games keep getting more confusing, it usually goes like: Mohamed passes to Mohamed, and he runs up then passes it to Mohamed, but then Mohamed intercepted the ball. Mohamed is now running up the field and passes it to Mohamed, and Mohamed shoots, but the goalie Mohamed blocks the shot. Then Moha...

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”

The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

What does Iowa corn and Iowa football have in common?

They're both better that what Nebraska has to offer.

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

Genie in a glass bottle

One day a man was doing throwing practice with his wife while on a vacation, when suddenly he missed and the ball flew into a nearby house. They ran over when they heard glass breaking and saw a weird looking guy staring back.

The weird guy quickly came up to them and started thanking them, "...

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

Why don’t football players wear glasses?

It’s a contact sport.

Why is Tom Brady always so optimistic?

He sees the football as half full.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

The Little Old Lady.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that...

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Paint my porch.

A man was walking out of his local hardware store when he saw a fairly attractive twenty-something year old female standing on the sidewalk holding a sign- “Will do ANYTHING for $20.”

He smirked, walked over to her and made her a proposition. She accepted, and he drove her to his house. Afte...

I rolled my first joint last night!

Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Super bowl time! Can YOU pass a football?

am surprised you could even swallow one!

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Fake news

A football fan in Liverpool saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Liverpool Echo says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now.

Liverpool fan saves baby from dog!"

The fan says, "I'm not a Liverpool fan."...

Whats a football fans favorite flavour of icecream?

Aston vanilla

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said...

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

Here are the results of Sci-Fi Football.

R2D: 2 and C3P: Nill

Democracy and Football

What does democracy and football have in common?

\- adding the word “American” completely changes the meaning...

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

Why is Alabama college football so strong?

Because they are all one big family

One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game.

I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives....

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
...

Who is Ghlislane Maxwells favorite American Football player?

Chase Young

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,

"You've broken your finger"

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Two guys working at a sawmill....

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incred...

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

A small boy is separated from his father at a football game,

so he goes up to a policeman and says, “I’ve lost my dad!”

“What’s he like?” the cop inquires.

“Beer and loose women…”

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

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There are some horrible bastards in this world.

I heard a cat outside crying, so I opened the door and saw

4 blokes in Arsenal shirts playing football with it. I was just

about to phone the police when the cat went 1-0 up..

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A little boy starts kindergarten

The teacher tells the class, “Tomorrow, I want all of you to be able to tell me the first four letters of the alphabet.”

So the boy goes home and approaches his mother in the kitchen, and asks, “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” His mother glares at him and says, “Shut up, I’m on the ...

Washington Football is crushing the allas Cowboys.

Yeah it's allas, cuz they go no D.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team?

Because then Minnesota would want one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

An American politician attends a football game...

This was last season so the stadium was packed with fans, completely sold out. He's minding his own business, enjoying the game when, during the 2nd Quarter, he hears someone in a nearby section shouting, "Steve! Hey, Steve!"

The politician stands up, looks around, but doesn't see anyone he ...

Three men are sitting around

Three men are sitting around drinking and they begin to brag to each other. The first man says “I have 4 sons at home. If I have one more I’d have a basketball team.” The second man laughs and says “That’s nothing! I have 10 sons at home. One more and I’d have a football team.” The third man speaks ...

What's Al Qaeda's favourite football team??

New York Jets

A man is sitting in his easy chair watching the football game when his wife comes in and slaps him in the face.

He says,”What was that for!”

She says,”I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!”

The man says,” oh that’s just the name of the horse I was going to bet on”

A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game...

Little Jonny and Little Susie are classmates.

Walking home from school, Jonny passed by Cindy's house. Cindy was playing in her yard with her dolls, and like any 10 year old boy, he wanted to tease Cindy. So he walked by and said Cindy, see this ball, this is a boys football you can't have it. With that Cindy went into crying to her mother. Her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old married couple...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men of 25 play football and . . .

Men of 25 play football, men of 40 play tennis, men of 60 play golf . . .
You notice as you get older, your balls get smaller.

Why do Italians love football so much?

Because they get to change sides half way through.

My friend spends 75% of his time playing American Football and the other 25% playing Baroque music.

He's a quarterbach.

I filled out a job application form. It asked for Hobbies and Pastimes ...

I put Football, Travel and 1939-1945.

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A football player at a university wanted to take an easy class

A friend told him he should take the ornithology class. "Ornithology?", he said, "What's that?"

"It's the study of birds," his friend told him, "but don't worry, the professor is 80 years old and hardly ever shows up for class. When he does show up, he falls right to sleep. All you have to do...

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bar Room Football

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a football field with a bar next to it

Every Saturday there was a championship in that field


One day, the two teams that were going to play were dwarf teams

Then, the dwarves arrived at the barman (Gerson) and said: Hey you ... Can we use the bathroom to put the uniforms on?

And the barman replied: Yes you can...

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