What is Al-Qaedas favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

Why did the football player cross the field?

To get to the other sideline

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

Did you know they allowed pigs to play football?

Yeah, they added one to the England team, his name's David Beckham.

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

Where do Jedi play football?

On the force field

Why is Cinderella bad at football?

Because she’s got pumpkin for a coach.

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

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Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

Two great football fanatics, Andy and Stevie, were discussing the chances of football being played in Heaven.

They couldn't see how any self-respecting Heaven would not have football - but yet, they weren't quite sure. Finally they agreed that the one who died first would come back and tell the other if they played football in Heaven or not.

Not long afterwards, Andy was run over by a bus and killed...

College football is introducing the Rosary Bowl

Every play is a Hail Mary

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?

'This is not labelled for individual sales'


I know, I dont get it either...

The Washington pro football team picked out the perfect new name for the team, the Opossums. They are good at home...

But get killed on the road.

I saw a French footballer playing on my Nintendo Console several years ago...

It was Thierry on Wii!

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Scotland football team?

Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.

Went to my nephew's football match the other day

What a semi !

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Football in Heaven

Tom Brady and Gronk are both old and close to death.

Tom goes to Gronk's bedside, and says, "Rob...when you die and get to heaven, can you come back and tell me if there's football there?"

Gronk says yes, and dies later that day.

So about a week later, Tom is sleeping when he h...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with...

A football player asked his wife if she ever cheated on him

This is translated from Arabic, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny as in Arabic but I’ll try my best *fingers crossed*

A football player once asked his wife if she ever cheated on him, she answered with “yes, three times.” He then asked “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do y...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..

A classic in honor of my cake day!


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written...

I'm starting a new business where I host parties for football players

Just trying to make ends meet

Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate?

Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.

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What do you call two nuns and a prostitute playing football ?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want...

Florence+The Machine replaced one of their members with a former Portuguese footballer.

They are now called Florence+The Maniche.

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

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A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

2 football players are in a bar

One walks up to the other and says hey, wanna shot?
The other says: Il pass

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Store boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
<...

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

Why can't football players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport

Why is the football stadium so windy?

Because of all the fans

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Two 90 year old men love football

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get ...

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

During a fire, a women was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.

Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the...

What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

I went to a Catholic school. A very Catholic school...

When our football team was up against it, our cheerleaders broke out into Gregorian Chant.

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This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. (long)

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young man. “I’m going to be in this hel...

Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team?

Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

How do football players stay cool?

By standing close to the fans

What happened to the football player who went to prison?

He used to be a tight end, but now he's a wide receiver.

Do you know what the 'N' on Nebraska's football helmet stands for?

Knowledge.

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What does NFL football and the Bachelor have in common?

Both involve a bunch of people fighting over some balls and a ring

Why do football teams keep using wide receivers?

If they want to get through the holes, shouldn’t they use narrow receivers?

I saw so many people arguing about if it's called football or soccer, I thought calling it a new way...

Fooccer

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Man o.j simpson was a great football player

He killed it on and off the field

What would you get if you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man?

Football like no one has ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

Why is Barcelona's football always untidy?

Because the goals are all Messi

[OC] What do football (american) players and their cheerleaders have in common?

They all wear pads, but not all the time

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

Where’s the best place in America to shop for a football kit?

New Jersey!

A while ago my dad was playing football with a dwarf

Long story short my dads in jail for assult

What is American football called in other countries?

30.48 cm ball

If American football switched to metric

They'd have to convert 4th and inches

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

Why was it so hot after the football game?

Because all the fans left.

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Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.

“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.

The other three look at each other,...

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A classic British football joke

Four British football fans are stranded on an Island, and one of them dies. The three who remain decide to eat the body to survive. One of them says "well, I support Manchester united, so I'll have his chest." The second says "well, I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver". The third Guy says "h...

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team?

Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster

You're officially out of Luck this season.

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team

You're out of Luck.

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the football team that wants to change their name to the "Tampons"?

Because they are only good for one period and have no second string.

Football

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.



Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old...

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

What’s a jew’s favorite football position?

Quarterback

Four guys were at a campsite.

They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next mor...

It is the day that the shirt numbers are assigned at Coxyham High School Football Club.

Bob, a brilliant player, goes next to coach Mr. Jordan and asks "Hey coach, can I get the number 7? That is my favourite number. Plus, it's the number that Cristiano Ronaldo uses and I think it is the perfect shirt number for a left winger like myself. Please!" "I'll look into it," said Mr. Jordan a...

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