This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore, but at least my dad came.

Girlfriend's first football game.

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied. “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn’t un...

Where do spiders play football?

Webley Stadium.

Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the most?

I said ''open your legs and I will show you''
Then I nutmegged her.

I find it amusing Americans call it “soccer” and the English call it “football”

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it “shooting range” and the Americans call it “school”

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

TIL College football is actually a combination of two American pastimes

Coercive land grabbing, and exploiting unpaid black labor

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Jhonny always dreams of chimps playing football,

Thinking it could be a disorder he pays his doc a visit.
Doc: Well, you have dreaming disorder. Take this pill, before going to bed and you will recover soon.

Jhonny: when shall I start takin the pill

Doc: tonight. Sooner the better.

Jhonny: I'm afraid I can't take it today, ...

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

What do you call it when a football player gets so many concussions it starts to degrade their cognition?

Touchdowns

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be suppo...

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

I was going to tell a football joke

but it had an offensive line.

What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play?

The rub and tug in the end zone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can’t the Patriots football team members have children?

Because their balls are deflated

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A football team went on a trip by a plane

They started playing football in the cabin and the pilots were not happy, so the captain said to the flight attendant : "Go deal with this shit! " Later the plane was quiet and he asked his flight attendant : "What did you do? " The flight attendant answered : "Simply I told them to go play outside ...

What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player?

A quarter back

Football

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.



Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old...

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Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

[OC] Which football position does a very mean stick figure play?

Offensive Line Man.






Looking for some wording help on this dad joke. Another alternative I thought of has to do with a stick figure that has a shield, with the punch line being “Defensive Line Man”

Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?

Because the grass tickles their armpits.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends are at a crowded football game

It is pouring down rain everyone is standing huddled together in raincoats suffering the weather as its a fantastic game.

One friend leans over and says "I really need to go to the bathroom but i don't want to miss this game!"

"Just piss in the pocket of the guy next to you. He won't n...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" T...

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."

A...

I used to play football in high school

I was Left Out

A man was sitting alone at a football game...

He was sitting alone in the members stand watching his team.

The other members saw him and decided to go see why he was alone.

"Why didn't you bring your wife to the game?" They asked.

"She passed away" He replied.

"Oh no that is terrible, we are really very sorry to hear...

I saw the Pope at a football match..

I heard he plays as well and he can whip in a good cross.

I just googled "Superman football stats," and it didn't have his FA cup stats...

...just his league

An oldie but goodie: What does the Alabama football and marijuana have in common?

The get smoked in bowls.

My wife is divorcing me because I’m obsessed with Football coaching.

In my defence, I have J.J.Watt, Michael Bennett, and Richard Sherman.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad's job

(German here)

The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;

"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.

So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"

...

Why do Chinese kids hate football?

Because they spend 12 hours making them

The University of Kansas football program just traded in all their company vehicles for new ones...

They wanted Les Miles

How did the squid manage to join a football team?

It has got a track record for pulling off some of the top ten tackles.

8 pm I get a text from my girlfriend: me or football

11 pm I text her: you of course.

Why can't penguins play football?

Because theres snowball

What's Taliban's favorite football team?

The New York Jets.

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three football fans were driving along when they

saw a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Chicago Bears hat over one breast. The second guy, a Tampa Bay Bucs fan, placed his hat ...

"I was the man of the match in the football game we played yesterday."

"Really?"

"Yes, the rest of the players were women."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 football fans were in a plane crash

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.

The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.

The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.

The t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least my dad came (:

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

What are the toughest 4 years of a football player's life?

5th grade

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.

Why was the Potato fired from his job at the football stadium?

He was a horrible Commentater.

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

What is Thanos Favorite Football team?

The Cleveland browns.

So far the have:

1 Regulatory Win

1 Overtime Win

1 Tie

1 Overtime Loss

1 Regulatory Loss


Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

A man looks around the football stadium to find a good seat. He sees a man sitting next to an empty seat in the front row. He walks up to the man.

“Hello, I need a seat, is this one taken?”

“Not anymore, it’s was suppose to be my wife’s.”

“Why isn’t she here?”

“She died.”

“I’m sorry for your loss but why not give the seat to another family member or friend?”

“They’re all at her funeral.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Football Fever

My mate has two tickets for the England vs Sweden game on Saturday. He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled,

"Pass me the ball, I'm free!"

What’s the difference between an NFL player and football player?

When you pat an NFL player on the shoulder, they feel better. But the other gets hospitalized right away.

A man is going to the football stadium.

It’s the World Cup Final, and he makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Wh...

Doctor, every night I dream of mice playing football, what should I do?

-Take these pills tonight, it should all go away
-Can I take them tomorrow?
-Why?
-Tonight are the finals

There was a football match between Colombia and Jamaica in 1967

It didn't go well, the Colombians sniffed all the white lines and Jamaicans smoked all the grass.

What's the difference between the Thai cave boys and English football?

The boys are coming home

My Croatian friend and football supporter has two tickets for the World Cup final

But unfortunately he realised that the date is overlapping with his wedding.
So, if anyone of you guys is interested and wants to go: the church is in Zagreb, the girl is blonde and her name is Ivana.

Told my dad that 12 boys from a junior football team are lost in a flooded cave in Thailand.

Dad: They should call a priest.

Me: Dad! They could still be alive.

Dad: Yes I believe that they are still alive as well, just toss a priest in the cave and he'll find those boys real quick.

Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

How many Alabama football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team, and they all get a semester's credit for it.

How do you set fire to a football stadium?

With a match.

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

Football gave me traumatic brain injury

And I was only watching.

What's the difference between my son and the England national football team?

My son stopped disappointing me after 52 years.

Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoce...