You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

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“Cop on horse says to little girl on bike…

‘Did Santa get you that?’

‘Yes,’ replies the little girl.

‘Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!’ and fines her $5.00.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says,

‘Nice horse you've got there — did Santa bring you that?’

The cop chuckles an...

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital!

Ha ha, just kidding. It goes behind the shed

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"

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A horse walks into a bar ...

The bartender says "why the long face?"

The horse, not understanding English, shits on the floor and leaves.

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

What kind of wine does a horse drink?

A chardo-neigh.

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

What do you call a one eyed horse?

Cyclippity-clops

My barber interrupted my horse story...

...even though I told him *not* to cut off my pony tale

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.

However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it’s no fun beating a dead horse!

My friend looked me dead in the eyes and went "Imagine if you were half horse."

"You would be the centaur of attention."

I have a pet horse fly

I call him Pegasus

I also have a pet crane fly called Derrick

I briefly had a French cheese fly

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

Where do horses go when they get shot?

To the horse-pita- \*gunshot\*

Why does a pregnant horse run faster?

It has 2 horse power

What's the difference between my horse and my gf ?

Fewer people have riden my horse

Where does a half-man, half- horse play tennis at Wimbledon?

Centaur Court

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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

What do you call a horse who talks about you behind your back?

A naysayer.

I had $100 on a horse yesterday.

He came home at 20 to 1.


Unfortunately, all the other horses came home at 12:30.

I just bought a racehorse.

I called it My Face and now I'm watching all the women in the crowd, who had a bet on it, as they scream "Come on my face".

A horse walks in to a bar...

The bartender greets him, and says "You've been coming in here a lot. Do you think you might have a drinking problem?"

The horse pauses for a minute and says, "I think not."

And immediately disappears.



See, this joke plays on the famous Rene Descartes philosophical quot...

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

I named my Horse “Mayo”

And sometimes, Mayo Neighs.

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The horse and the rooster

So a horse and a rooster lived on a farm at the end of a dirt road. One day, the horse was walking down the road and fell into a deep mud hole. He was stuck!!! He hollered and hollered till finally the
Rooster heard him and came running. An idea struck the rooster so he ran back to the farm...

It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.

They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.

My horse’s name is mayo

Mayo neighs

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

Did that horse steal my thesaurus?

Horse: "Nope"

What do you call it when two horses date?

A stable relationship

There were two farmers who each had a horse in the same field

In order to tell them apart they had a little rubber band tied round one of the horse's tails. every day they would come to the field and feel up and down the horses' tails until they found the rubber band.

One day they lost the rubber band and didn't know what to do. Then one farmer said to ...

A horse walks into the hospital...

The Doctor asks "Why the long face?" Horse goes "That's why I am here."

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

Where do horses live?

In the N e i g h bourhood

I have many stories about my unfortunate attempts to bring horses to a halt.

They're my tales of whoa.

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I helped my uncle jack off a horse

My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse

Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race

They have twice the horsepower

What did the horse say when it fell?

*“I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”*

Just wanna buy horses (long)

There was a young man interested in buying a pair of horses for breeding. He came across a small ranch with the rancher standing in front of the main entrance while watching a pair or horses gallop inside the fenced property.

Man: How much for the horses?

Rancher: White or black?
...

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor.

“To make the horse go, you gotta yell, Thank God! And to make it stop, yell, Hallelujah," explains the pastor.

The cowboy thanks him and rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff.

Quickly he yells to the h...

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

I met the most unpleasant horse girl this evening...

What a nightmare!

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a man was admitted to the hospital with a wooden horse shoved up his ass

the doctors described his condition as stable.

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

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Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit

Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit. One says to the other "I'll give you $20,000 if you eat that shit" so he does, and collects his money. They walk a while longer and come upon another pile of horse shit. The shit eater, wanting to get even, t...

Have you ever wondered why horses are so happy?

It’s because they have a stable home life.

I have a female Horse who sleeps during the day.

She's such a nightmare!

I have an appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor I don't know.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:

- That’ll be $25.

The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:

- You see, we don’t really have many horses coming in here.

To which the horse replies:...

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

A horse walks into a bar

When he approaches the bar, the bartender said "Hey"

The horse said, "Nah, just beer please. I just ate"

Where does a horse have the most hair?

On the outside.

You can lead a horse to water

But it can still say "neigh"

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar

The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.

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What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?

Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.

I held a committee against horses but it failed to pass through.

All of them were Neigh-sayers.

I recently bought a horse and I decided to name him Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

In the horse world, how do you end up with millions?

Start with billions...

My family owns a horse. This joke hits a little too close to home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass...

Doctors say that his condition is stable.

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

My boss asked for a horse, and I brought him a mule...

He said my work was half-assed.

In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish.

It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.

I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night

She's my worst night mare

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rick had cars. Today everyone own cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

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So a horse walks into a bar...

The bartender goes "why the long face?"

Then the horse goes "Jim what the fuck we've been over this"

*I'm way too proud of that joke*

Which cheese do you use to hide a small horse ?

Mascarpone

I promise this joke does not contain any horse puns whatsoever...

April Foals!

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

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What is main difference between the mating habits of the horse and the unicorn?

The unicorn is much hornier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ole cowboy

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would yo...

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

A farmer was riding his horse:

The farmer says "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse."
The horse comes to a quick stop and looks at the farmer and says, "Moooooo."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

What happened to the exhausted horse?

He hit the hay

What kind of horse is the fastest?

>! A pregnant one, because it has 2 horsepower !<

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

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Medical Problem

A man was admitted to hospital today with twenty-five toy horses stuffed up his rectum. doctors have listed his condition as 'stable'.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."

So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
<...

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke?

The Horse took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles is the girl next door.

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy a race horse.

I'll name it "My Face" so when it's behind everyone will be screaming "Come on My Face!".

Where do you find a horse with no legs?

Where you left him.

Told to me today by a first grader.

Whats in common between your ex and a horse?

People like riding horses.

Traveling salesmen and the farmer

A traveling salesmen is driving through the country one evening when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm house and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains his situation and kindly asks to use his phone.

The farmer replies “Well we haven’t got a phone here, but ...

I think my horse is a blacksmith...

You see, every time I yell at him he makes a bolt for the door!

What do you call a horse meat sandwich in Kentucky?

Last placed.

Why shouldn’t you leave a horse near cryptocurrency?

Because it will chomp at the bit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding...

...and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his h...

Soldier: A horse is definitely man's best friend.

His wife: I thought dogs were man's best friend.

Soldier: Ever done a hasty retreat from a losing battle on a chihuahua.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

The God of Thunder crossed the skies, astride his faithful filly.

"I'm Thor!" He cried. His horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

Horse walks into a bar...

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says “why the long face”.

The horse looks disappointed, and says “that’s a shame that I come into this bar expecting to relax but instead get treated with disrespect and stereotyped for my looks in the assumption that I don’t have feelings”.

The barma...

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