A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”

Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at ...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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The Horse and Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some...

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

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A Horse Walks Into A Bar…

The Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
The Horse, not knowing the English language, shits all over the floor and kicks the bartender with its back leg and leaves.

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“Cop on horse says to little girl on bike…

‘Did Santa get you that?’

‘Yes,’ replies the little girl.

‘Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!’ and fines her $5.00.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says,

‘Nice horse you've got there — did Santa bring you that?’

The cop chuckles an...

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Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

How do horses stay in shape?

They maintain a stable diet.

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First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled "WOW THAT'S LIKE A HORSE"

Very proud i said: "It's that big huh?"

She replied: "NO IT FUCKING STINKS"

I saw a miniature horse in a field yesterday, so I walked up to pet it.

After a few steps, I realized that it was a regular sized horse, just farther away.

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

100 years ago everyone owned horses

And only the rich owned cars

Now everyone has a car,and only the rich own horses

The stables have turned

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

What did the horse say the first time they saw a zebra?

That horse has been to prison.

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.

"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!" I hear that everywhere I go."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your

life?"

The horse responds...

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

Which horse can only be ridden at night?

A nightmare

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Two race horses were sitting at a bar ...

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says, "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day"

"What happened Bill?"

"Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I...

Why don’t horse’s governments ever get anything done?

Because they always vote neigh

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital!

Ha ha, just kidding. It goes behind the shed

What did the horse say to the small jockey?

How you getting on?

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

What do you call a really scary horse that only appears after the sun has set?

A nightMARE!

I work on a farm taking care of horses

It's a stable job

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent...

I once worked as a horse trainer.

It was a stable job.

Me to my horse: "Did you steal my thesaurus?"

Horse: "No."

What did the horse ask his teacher?

Equestrian

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen"

The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got exited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" ...

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman...

Did you guys hear about the horse that only ate hay from a church?

Apparently it could only be a Christian Bale.

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the horse

A veterinarian walks into a bar and orders a drink. He strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him, who asks what he does. "I'm a veterinarian," the vet says. "Really?" the guy asks. "Say, I own a horse and was wondering if you could help me." He pulls out his cell phone and call up a photo o...

A bad joke:- Why did the horse feel at home in front of an old couple?

Because he found their relationship to be stable

Why were the horses so happy?

Because they live in a stable environment.

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.

However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it’s no fun beating a dead horse!

What kind of wine does a horse drink?

A chardo-neigh.

Where does a person end and a horse start?

At the centaur.

What's the difference between my horse and my gf ?

Fewer people have riden my horse

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

What do you need at every Jewish horse's wedding?

A Mazel Trough

What do you call a one eyed horse?

Cyclippity-clops

Mounted police unit got two new horses

Policemen assigned to them are unsure how they'll be able to tell them apart and as such which policeman gets to ride which horse. They debate various ways to distinguish them but none are satisfactory. Then one realizes they can simply cut off the tail on one and voila! a distinguishing mark. So th...

My barber interrupted my horse story...

...even though I told him *not* to cut off my pony tale

My friend looked me dead in the eyes and went "Imagine if you were half horse."

"You would be the centaur of attention."

Why does a pregnant horse run faster?

It has 2 horse power

when people take horse drugs like ivermectin

do they mane-line them?

Where does a half-man, half- horse play tennis at Wimbledon?

Centaur Court

Where do horses go when they get shot?

To the horse-pita- \*gunshot\*

I have a pet horse fly

I call him Pegasus

I also have a pet crane fly called Derrick

I briefly had a French cheese fly

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The horse and the rooster

So a horse and a rooster lived on a farm at the end of a dirt road. One day, the horse was walking down the road and fell into a deep mud hole. He was stuck!!! He hollered and hollered till finally the
Rooster heard him and came running. An idea struck the rooster so he ran back to the farm...

It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.

They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.

My horse’s name is mayo

Mayo neighs

What do you call a horse who talks about you behind your back?

A naysayer.

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

I had $100 on a horse yesterday.

He came home at 20 to 1.


Unfortunately, all the other horses came home at 12:30.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

What do you call it when two horses date?

A stable relationship

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

I took ivermectin for a sore throat

Because my doctor said only take it if I’m a little horse.

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

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I helped my uncle jack off a horse

My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

Just wanna buy horses (long)

There was a young man interested in buying a pair of horses for breeding. He came across a small ranch with the rancher standing in front of the main entrance while watching a pair or horses gallop inside the fenced property.

Man: How much for the horses?

Rancher: White or black?
...

There were two farmers who each had a horse in the same field

In order to tell them apart they had a little rubber band tied round one of the horse's tails. every day they would come to the field and feel up and down the horses' tails until they found the rubber band.

One day they lost the rubber band and didn't know what to do. Then one farmer said to ...

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A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old exotic dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up...

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:

- That’ll be $25.

The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:

- You see, we don’t really have many horses coming in here.

To which the horse replies:...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

Where do horses live?

In the N e i g h bourhood

Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race

They have twice the horsepower

What did the horse say when it fell?

*“I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”*

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor.

“To make the horse go, you gotta yell, Thank God! And to make it stop, yell, Hallelujah," explains the pastor.

The cowboy thanks him and rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff.

Quickly he yells to the h...

Leave the horse and grab an apple

Once there was a king. He announced to all the men in his kingdom: "get a horse if you don't fear your wife else grab an apple from the basket".

All the men from the kingdom came turn by turn and grabbed apple. The king was in deep thought, no one is behaving manly.

At last, one man ...

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a man was admitted to the hospital with a wooden horse shoved up his ass

the doctors described his condition as stable.

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Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit

Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit. One says to the other "I'll give you $20,000 if you eat that shit" so he does, and collects his money. They walk a while longer and come upon another pile of horse shit. The shit eater, wanting to get even, t...

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

I have many stories about my unfortunate attempts to bring horses to a halt.

They're my tales of whoa.

I met the most unpleasant horse girl this evening...

What a nightmare!

Have you ever wondered why horses are so happy?

It’s because they have a stable home life.

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

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A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

I have an appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor I don't know.

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Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

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What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?

Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

A horse walks into a bar

When he approaches the bar, the bartender said "Hey"

The horse said, "Nah, just beer please. I just ate"

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Proper use of capital letters

It's the difference between helping grandpa jack off a horse and helping grandpa Jack off a horse.

I recently bought a horse and I decided to name him Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

I have a female Horse who sleeps during the day.

She's such a nightmare!

You can lead a horse to water

But it can still say "neigh"

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

The Story of Creation as told by Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that ma...

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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