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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

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BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

A smart farmer

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Whats a horses favorite wine?

Chardonneigh

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So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alr...

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

What do fancy horses drink?

Chardoneigh.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face"?

Unable to speak, the horse shits on the floor and leaves.

Why did the horses get a divorce?

Their relationship wasn't very stable.

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You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

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A man looses his thesaurus.

He searches all over his house for it. He’s double checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members.

His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.

Man: Did you take my thesaurus?

Daughter: ...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding their horses across the prairie...

Tonto begins to slow his horse and eventually comes to a complete stop.

Lone Ranger: “What is it Tonto?”

Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

Tonto: “Buffalo come.”

Lone Ranger: “Wow, how do you know that?”

Tonto: *rubs the side of his fac...

How did Forrest Gump’s horse order his favorite drink at the bar?

Gin—NEIGHHHH

To be or not to be a horse rider....

that is Equestrian.

Clydesdales are the least trusted of all horses.

So says the most recent Gallop Poll.

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What becomes of a horse when it gets real horny?

A fuckin unicorn.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!!!.... just kidding they get shot.

Did you hear about the two horses who fell in love?

It was a lawn-distance relationship.

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Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse.

Would you help your uncle Jack off?

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said,...

I saw a horse driving a car the other day

It was a mustang.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

What did the cow say to the other cow who entered the horse race?

It’s udderly impossible!

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

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What's does your mom's sister and a horse have in common?

Nothing

One is a homosapien, a bipedal animal that has a high functioning precortex while horses are quadpedal and were used extensively by humans before motor vehicles

This was an aunty-joke

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks; "Why the long face?"

A few local barflies laughed into their glasses, hunched over like a waning reed in the wind, rosy cheeked and bleary eyed.

The horse walked up the bar and awkwardly sat down on a stool which creaked loudly under their weight.

"I'll tell you why" the horse said in a perfect English acc...

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

Chiron, being half horse and half human doctor

was a centaur of disease control.

What do you call it when you have a dream about a horse in the dark?

A nightmare

A horse went to the ATM

He wanted to see his balance.

It was stable

Horse, Chicken, Cow

So there is this horse, he is watching TV and sees this really awesome band. He really zeroes in on the lead guitarist. He wants to learn so bad. So he calls the local music instructor and asks if he can teach him to play the guitar. So after a few months, the horse plays exactly like his favori...

A man wanted to train a horse.

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.

One day, he was riding the horse and it got s...

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, get the fuck outta here you damn horse, last time you were here you shit on the floor!" And the horse says "Aw come man, I just want a drink." And the bartender says "Well I just want you to get out!" And the horse says "Yeah, well I fucked your ...

I asked my friend how he liked taking care of horses

It's a stable job, he replied.

Why do horse-girls like horses so much?

... Because it's the only STABLE relationship they'll ever have!

Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

A horse walks into a triangular bar...

... of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.


The barman replies, "Y, the long face"

I named my horse Mayo

Because Mayo neighs

What do Canadian horses eat?

Ey

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

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A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

Why is the horse so happy?

Because he lives in a stable environment.

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horses ass?

A mechanic

My horse lost 25% of its hoof.

oof.

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

A boy was taking his dad's horse to mate with the neighbour's horse

Upon arriving, the neighbour sees the boy coming along and asks the boy what's he doing.


"I brought the horse to mate with yours."


"Well, and couldnt it be your dad to do it?"


"No, sir. I believe it has to be the horse."

Famous British horse racing broadcaster John McCririck has died aged 79.

His funeral is at 10/1.

100 years ago, everyone had a horse, and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has a car, and only the rich have horses.

How the stables have turned.

How did the Potato Horse run?

It scalloped!

Where does a horse live?

In the NEIGHborhood.

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A man, a dog, and a horse

a man, a dog, and a horse were walking a long road, the horse says: "are we there yet?".

The man heard the horse and was frightened as how can a horse speak.
So he ran as fast as he could while being followed by his dog.
The man stops after he ran out of breath,
his dog does the sam...

I recently bought a ornery horse named Mayo and have been trying to have a serious talk with him about his behavior but he never responds...

...After about the 4th or 5th try he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mayo doesn't talk, Mayo neighs."

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in the blender

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

My wife and kids are going to leave me accusing me of being obsessed with horse racing

And they’re offfffff

They're gonna beat this horse down the old town road until it can't die no more

This song has been rereleased twice now since December with just different artists added in

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

Two Horses...

are standing in a field. One with a frown. The other asks," why so glue".

If you do 't believe in horses?

does that make you a neightheist?

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

My car’s gone and a horse and carriage is in it’s place...

Something seems A-mish

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

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So a nun wants to enter a horse race, but horses cost a lot of money.

So instead, she buys a donkey and enters him in the race, and he wins first place. On that day, the newspaper reads, ‘Nun’s ass wins first place’. On the next day, she enters the donkey in the race again, but he doesn’t win, and on that day the papers read, ‘nun’s ass chokes’. On the next day, the b...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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A police officer is riding a horse

He comes upon a little girl riding her bike.

He stops her and asks, "Hey little girl, did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"

The little girl responds, "Well, as a matter of fact, he did."

The officer responds while handing the little girl a $5 ticket, "Next year, maybe y...

What do you call the pigs that live next to horses?

Neigh Boars

Why can't Keanu Reeves ride a horse?

Everytime the horse moves, Keanu Reeves says "Woah."

How do you become a millionaire raising horses?

Start out as a billionaire

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

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Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brow...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to th...

Why aren’t horses allowed in the Catholic church?

Because they’re neigh sayers

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

A man buys a horse

The man is very religious, so instead of saying, “giddy up,” for the horse to speed up, and “woah there,” for the horse to slow down, he decides to train his horse differently. Whenever he says, “Praise the Lord,” his horse will start running. Whenever he says, “Hallelujah,” the horse will slow down...

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

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Ever notice that a walnut looks just like a horse's asshole?

Tastes pretty much the same too.

What do you name a horse that never loses an erection?

"Horneigh"

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

The horse responded, "I finally realize that my alcoholism is disrupting my life at home and driving my family apart."

Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,



Jk they get shot

A priest was seen in a casino bet on horses.

Someone went to him and said:” Father, you know it is a sin to gamble right?” The priest replied:” I am not gambling, I am doing God’s bidding.”

What do you call a horse that's always doing things half-assed?

A mule

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

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What do you call a guy standing off the side of the road, with his arm up a horses butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

I have a family of horses living nextdoor to me.

They're my *neigh-*bors.

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”


The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

Horse looks at a car engine.

"I fail to see how 350 of us are going to fit in here."

What do you call a 3 legged horse?

Elmer’s glue.

A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse

But She was just pullin my leg

I don't believe in the mixing of the races.

I mean it's ridiculous, all those horses would trample the marathoners.

A 5 year old boy nags and nags his mother to get him a horse.

He is relentless until she figures out a compromise, she gets him a stick horse. He is disappointed, but soon he and the stick horse bond, the boy teaches his horse to walk, trot, gallop and to neck rein. On the first day back to school after summer vacation the boy rides his horse to school. He ...

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A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife...

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.


He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."


"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

...

A horse walks into a bar

And thus ended his dream of becoming a champion showjumper.

A horse walks into a bar.

The horse says "I'll have a glass of 30-year-old Napa Cabernet."

The bartender says, "Uhh, how about a beer?"

The horse says "I think not!!"

And he disappears.

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

If I ever got a horse drawn carriage, I'd name the horse Reo.

It'd be my REO Steed Wagon.

I have a horse named Mayo

He really like condiments. When he wants one Mayo neighs

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