A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

This is my horse, Mayo.

**Friend:** why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse?

**Mayo:** [neighs]

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to understand human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

To be or not to be a horse rider....

.....that is Equestrian

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What do you call a hungry Mexican horse?

No-hay josè

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!

Nah, I'm just joking, they get shot

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If Jack helped you off a horse,

would you help jack off a horse?

Whats a horses favorite wine?

Chardonneigh

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

My wife told me she's leaving me over my only fools and horses obsession.

I said I'll get my suitcase from the van.

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a horse race announcer.

“And they’re off..”

What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do?

Get off the carousel!

Horse Joke

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to...

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The horse and the chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some...

Horsing Around

Wife and I went to the horsetrack the other day. I placed my bet and ordered us a couple sirloins. When the race began I grabbed our plates of food and flung them into the air.


I've gambled before, but the steaks had never been so high.

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A horse walks into a bar

The barman says "What the fuck? Who's horse is this? Get out of here! No! No that's for customers! Go away! Oh goddamnit! Not on the FLOOR! YOU PIECE O-! PISS OF! Alright, sorry, calm down. CALM DOWN! AHHH! OH GOD NO THE TABLES EVERYBODY GET OUT OH JESUS FUCK"

What do you call a horse with one eye?

Cy-clops.

It’s funny how 100 years ago everybody had a horse and only the rich had a car, but now everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

Why did the farmer invest in horses?

He heard it was a stable industry

What is every horses birthday wish?

A stable economy .

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

What do you call a horse that criticizes something?

A naysayer

A cowboy counted 48 horses on his property, but when he rounded them up...

he had 50.

*gestures at horses* here are the stables

\*gestures at other, flickering, vibrating horses. one horse explodes* and here are the unstables

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

I was going to say a horse joke

But it wasn't stable enough

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Ch...

My son dropped out of school to build houses for horses

I can't complain though, it's a real stable job

A horse walks into a bar and all the stunned bartender can think to do is point a finger at him and say "Hey"

The horse says " yes, make it a double."

What kind of horses only come out after dark?

Night Mares

Horses are so disagreeable

Always neighing votes

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

1 1 was a race horse

2 2 was 1 2

1 1 1 1 race

2 2 1 1 2

I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour....

Actually it's probably more of a Knight Mare

I think my horse is sick

Her voice sounds human

What's the best cheese to hide a horse with?

Mascarpone

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal...

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?

Because you can only get down from a goose.

It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry

Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

A horse walks into a bar.

The horse says "ow".





The barman shoots him in the head and sells his constituent parts to Tesco for beef mince.

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BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

Nobody admitted hiding a horse.

Neighther did I.

I was raised by horses

I had a pretty stable childhood

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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

What is a horse's favourite drink?

Chardonnay!

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

- Trojan wall guards, probably.

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

What do you call a horse with a broken leg?

Elmer.

Why is Trump known as a 'horse whisperer'?

He's a ***stable*** genius.

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Three horses walk into a bar..

One horse trots up to the barman, the other two grab a seat at a table. The horse at the bar orders three beers and grabs them with its hooves, then walks on two legs and joins the other seated horses.

First horse says: " Shit guys, last night at my race, it was some crazy shit. I was way ahe...

A person decided to buy a horse from a monk

So, he paid the priced and got very excited to ride it. "Hyah!" he said. But the horse didn’t move. So, he asks the monk,"Why won't the horse go?". The monk replied,"This horse is a religious horse. If you say ' Thank god', it will start moving. If you say ' All the praise be to god', it will stop.<...

You're on a horse galloping at a constant speed...

On your right is a sharp drop off and on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is another horse but you're unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the other horse in front of you.

What must you do to esca...

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

So a horse walks into a bar for the sixth time this week.

He says, "Hey Rene, I'll have a beer."

The bartender, Rene, says, "You come in here a lot, are you sure you don't have an alcohol problem?"

The horse then disappears because it wasn't actually real in the first place and Rene only imagined it. See, it's a joke about Rene Descartes, bu...

Many horses were asked if they like being used for riding or other activities...

...the unanimously answer was "neigh".

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A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

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A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar

Bartender looks up and says,
“What, is this some sort of fuckin joke?!”

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Three horses are arguing in a stable

Each one is convinced they are a better racer than the other two. Thus, the three bicker and brag and talk over one another.

"Now see here, see here!" Says the first horse. "I have been racing for four years, and every summer of those ten years I have come in first every race I ran!"

"...

What do you call a horse who lives nearby?

A neeeiiiiiiiggghhhhhbor.

Why did the highwayman choose to ride a small horse?

Because you can mascarpone.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Horse buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I hav...

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Cowboy rides into a dusty town on his horse and stops at a saloon...

He ties up his horse, goes up the the bar, sits at the counter, and orders a couple beers to quench his thirst. When he walks out, he realizes his horse is missing!


He flings those saloon doors open, hand on his pistol, and shouts, “which one of you sidewinding sons of bitches stole my ho...

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Do you have any experience shoeing horses?

No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

Some people say the president acts like a horse in a hospital...

But what they don't realize is that to make a stable out of a hospital, you'd have to be a stable genius.

So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"

So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.

After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still s...

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A farmer took out an ad to sell one of his horses

The day the ad appeared in the paper, he heard a knock on his door.

When he opened the door, he didn't see anyone there.

"I'm down heah," said voice. The man looked down to see a dwarf there, standing no more than 2 1/2 feet tall. "I'm come to see the horse you have for sale. Wet me...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

I went to the races and put fifty bucks on a horse that came in at 25 to 1!

Unfortunately the rest of the field came in at 12:33.

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

What’s a horses favorite type of ice cream?

Sher-bit

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

What do fancy horses drink?

Chardoneigh.

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Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

Do you know why pregnant horses run faster?

They have more horse power

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

I am enraged! I spent my whole life being successful and giving my beautiful, blonde daughter every luxury money could afford and she went off and married a horse manure shoveler.

At least he has a stable income though.

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The talking horse.

A man travels quietly in his car when suddenly it breaks down. The man is then forced to get off and check his car engine.

He did not understand what was happening when suddenly a brown horse with white spots approaches to see the car engine.

"It's the carburetor" the man listens, but ...

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

How did Forrest Gump’s horse order his favorite drink at the bar?

Gin—NEIGHHHH

My horse will only let me ride him after dark.

He's a total night mare. *she

A White horse walks into a bar.

The barman remarks "Did you know there's a drink named after you?"

The horse replies "Kevin ?"

Did you hear about the two horses who fell in love?

It was a lawn-distance relationship.

Why is the horse so happy?

Because he lives in a stable environment.

I asked my friend how he liked taking care of horses

It's a stable job, he replied.

(OC) I saved up my money for years and finally bought a race horse. I wanted him to have a name befitting a champion. So I named him cancer.

Because cancer always wins.

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

I saw a horse driving a car the other day

It was a mustang.

A man wanted to train a horse.

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.

One day, he was riding the horse and it got s...

This morning I reinforced my horse's wooden shack using cement

It's finally stable.

What did the horse put on his BLT?

Mayo-neigh-s

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

Clydesdales are the least trusted of all horses.

So says the most recent Gallop Poll.

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