According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"

The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Policeman on a horse stops a little girl on a bike and says “Did Santa get you that?”

“Yes" replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her £30.

The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The Policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What do you call a horse with insomnia?

A nightmare.

The horse who drinks bourbon

A horse walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of bourbon. The bartender, uneasy from meeting an actual talking horse asks “ya got any money?” The horse reaches back into its saddle and produces a hundred dollar bill. The man pours the drinks, the horse drinks every single one in quick order and leave...

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey." The horse says "Sure."

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?
His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good sha...

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet a...

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital



Just kidding it gets shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

What do you call a disagreeable horse?

A neigh sayer

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

### Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.


"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kisse...

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
...

I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the ...

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender is a horse.

He says, "Oh, hey Rene, you want the usual?". Rene says "Yeah sure. Why the long face?". The horse and bar disappear because they were never, in fact, real and the only thing that definitely did exist was Rene.

You see it's a joke about Rene Descartes, but if I told you that at the beginnin...

Why are the cops riding horses?

Well, someone has to do the thinking.

A shy horse wants to go to the bar and have a drink.

But he does not want to be seen in public. So he puts on a a donkey mask. Wearing the donkey mask, the horse walks into the bar.

The Chinese bartender says, "Hey, why the wrong face?"

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand down a horse's throat?

A mechanic.

A pegasus is a magic horse what is a magic cow?

A Fae-bull

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a horse?

A shameful abomination

A horse walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

He finished it, and the bartender asks if he wants another one. The horse replies “I think not” and disappears.

This joke is normally told with Rene Descartes as the subject, but to tell you that one first is to put Descartes before the horse.

My Dad has been admitted to hospital with 3 horses living inside him...

Doctors have described his condition as "stable".

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

A cowboy and his blind horse

A man is casually crossing the Wyoming plains when his horse died all of the sudden. The nearest town was three days walk. So, he started to walk. 3 days later he ends up in this quiet 'ol town but nobody had a horse for sale. So he commenced to walking to the closest town which was a two days journ...

A horse walked into a bar...

The bartender said “Dear God!”



Animal Control was called shortly thereafter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English.

He tells the horse, "I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass

The doctor described his condition as stable

Horses fall in love faster than any other animal

They are always getting hitched

This is my horse, Mayo.

**Friend:** why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse?

**Mayo:** [neighs]

I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.

It had its ups and downs.

Son: Mom, is it correct to say you're going to water the horse?

Mom: Yes, son.

Son: alright, well I'm going to go bone the dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terr...

[Long] Theodore was once a wild horse, happily roaming amongst the sagebrush of Nye County, NV. But he wandered into Area 51 one day.

After the sensors detected his presence, Theodore was captured by scientists and used for experiments. One day, through a highly unethical and bleeding-edge process utilizing CRISPR, he was transformed into a human male.

Not everything carried over well between life as a horse and life as a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Jeff buy 2 horses

Bob: So how do we recognize them?
Jeff: I'll cut mine an ear so we will know which one is which.

*Jeff cuts an ear from his horse.When he looks back he sees that Bob did the same thing to his*

Jeff: You idiot! How are we gonna recognize them now? I'm going to cut the other ear.
...

I backed a horse last week at ten to one

It came in at quarter past four

What do you call flammable gel that's made from horse hands?

Neighpalm

I love the sound of trotting horses.

It's too good too good too good too good.

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

The Horse and the Movie Theater

A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, "Excuse me… are you a horse?”

"Why yes, I am," replies the horse.

"What are you doing at this movie?"

The horse says, “I really liked the book."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

Horse committee is shutting down

Too many neighsayers.

I've been dating a horse girl for three years now

It's been a stable relationship

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses.

While going for their first ride, Sister A suddenly stops, and says:
- "We have a problem. How are we going to tell the horses apart, and know which one is yours, and which one is mine?"

Sister B agrees this is a problem, and begins to think abo...

My farmer friend claims one of his horses can do math using its hooves.

It is a stable genius.

I used to live next door to a talking horse

We were Neeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigghhhhbours

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse."

When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

Little known fact #376: In Norway they have problems with herds of wild horses destroying the delicate eco systems around their narrow inlets.

They plan to start exporting Fjord Mustangs.

Horses are such negative animals

They're such neighsayers

They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to help my friend jack off a horse,

But instead we gave it a blowjob

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a really old race horse today, I called him My Face.

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting "Come on My Face."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprising horse

A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.

They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to bu...

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

I have two horses. One is calm and for daytime.

The other is a nightmare.

Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid

The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear.

So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."

So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."

Why did the horse come home after running away?

It was feeling unstable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

Why did the horse cross the road?

I don't know, he left before I could ask equestrian.

My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her.

"Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.

"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'"

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend was hospitalized today after shoving 12 small plastic horses in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

If a horse does one thing, what does the cow do?

an-udder thing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.

"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."

Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this proble...

Horse walks into a bar

Just wanted to tell you guys about the origin of walks into a bar jokes.

Bartenders are widely known as compassionate men who listen to each man who walks into the bar. So they'd begin with "why the long face?" and make each man speak. But one day a horse walks into the bar and the bartender,...

A man buys a horse from an old pastor.

The pastor explains to the man that in order to make the horse go, he must say "Thank God," and to make him stop, he must say "Amen." The man nods in understanding.

He gets on the horse, readies himself, takes a deep breath, and says, "Thank God!"

Immediately, the horse takes off like ...

What do you get when you crossbreed a horse and a wild pig?

Your neighboar

The Lone Ranger falls off his horse and injures himself pretty bad

Then he says, "Go find someone to help me", the horse hurries to the town they just passed and finds a beautiful woman, the horse tries to call her attention, and kneels so the woman can mount him

He runs with her to help The Lone Ranger, when she arrives she helps him to get on the horse and...

I finally got a job as a horse breeder's assistant.

It doesn't pay much, but it's a stable job.

I bought oats for my horse but they were moldy so I returned them and told the manager he should have better quality control.

He took my feedback.

Why did the guy want to ride a horse while eating salad?

Because he loved the ranch

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What do horses call gonorrhea?

The Clop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

Did you hear about the horse running for President?

He's promising a stable economy.

Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

A horse walks into a bar and says,

"A right triangle with sides x, y, and z where x and z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?"

The bartender says,

"Y, the long face."

The man and the priests horse

Once there was a man who needed a horse. He went to the market and found a horse for sale, which was currently owned by a priest.

He asked if he could buy the horse, and the priest said ‘Sure! One thing though, instead of ‘YeeHaw’, you say ‘praise the lord’ to make the horse go.

Inste...

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

Why are horses not fun to be around?

They are a bunch of neigh sayers.

There’s this big controversy with horse owners over whether it’s “defiling a corpse” to put decorations in a horse’s mane after it passes away.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. They’re just beading a dead horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was served what I thought was horse meat but I'm not sure about it

It tastes like ass.

"Give me the strongest shot you've got!"

A cowboy down on his luck rode into town one day and went to a bar. Feeling like he needed to drink his sorrows away. He signaled the bartender for service.

Bartender: "What can I get you, cowboy?"

Cowboy: "Give me a shot... Not too happy right now."

The bartender understood and...

A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

A cowboy gets captured by Indians, they tell him before they kill him that he gets 3 wishes. He tells them ”I wants to talk to my horse”, so he whispers in his horses ear, it runs off and returns with a naked woman on it, he rolls his eyes and tells them he again “I want to talk to my horse!”

So he whispers in his horses ear and again it runs off and comes back with a naked woman!, again he rolls his eyes and they tell him he has one more wish!, he says “I want to talk to my horse” this time he screams into the horses ear,.. I said Posse !

What’s a horse’s favourite Beatles song?



Hay Chewed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who was rushed to hospital after sticking six little plastic horses up his butt?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

What cup size bra do striped horses wear?

A size Z-Bra!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.