A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Whats a horses favorite wine?

Chardonneigh

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So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alr...

I have a horse called Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

A cowboy counted 48 horses on his property, but when he rounded them up...

he had 50.

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?

Because you can only get down from a goose.

I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour....

Actually it's probably more of a Knight Mare

*gestures at horses* here are the stables

\*gestures at other, flickering, vibrating horses. one horse explodes* and here are the unstables

I was raised by horses

I had a pretty stable childhood

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

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i just helped my uncle jack off a horse.

I just helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

Capitalisation matters.

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BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

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A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

- Trojan wall guards, probably.

A person decided to buy a horse from a monk

So, he paid the priced and got very excited to ride it. "Hyah!" he said. But the horse didn’t move. So, he asks the monk,"Why won't the horse go?". The monk replied,"This horse is a religious horse. If you say ' Thank god', it will start moving. If you say ' All the praise be to god', it will stop.<...

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on top of a horse..

..would you help your uncle jack off the horse?

You're on a horse galloping at a constant speed...

On your right is a sharp drop off and on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is another horse but you're unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the other horse in front of you.

What must you do to esca...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence.
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

So a horse walks into a bar for the sixth time this week.

He says, "Hey Rene, I'll have a beer."

The bartender, Rene, says, "You come in here a lot, are you sure you don't have an alcohol problem?"

The horse then disappears because it wasn't actually real in the first place and Rene only imagined it. See, it's a joke about Rene Descartes, bu...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"

So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.

After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still s...

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A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar

Bartender looks up and says,
“What, is this some sort of fuckin joke?!”

I went to the races and put fifty bucks on a horse that came in at 25 to 1!

Unfortunately the rest of the field came in at 12:33.

Some people say the president acts like a horse in a hospital...

But what they don't realize is that to make a stable out of a hospital, you'd have to be a stable genius.

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Three horses are arguing in a stable

Each one is convinced they are a better racer than the other two. Thus, the three bicker and brag and talk over one another.

"Now see here, see here!" Says the first horse. "I have been racing for four years, and every summer of those ten years I have come in first every race I ran!"

"...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

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A farmer took out an ad to sell one of his horses

The day the ad appeared in the paper, he heard a knock on his door.

When he opened the door, he didn't see anyone there.

"I'm down heah," said voice. The man looked down to see a dwarf there, standing no more than 2 1/2 feet tall. "I'm come to see the horse you have for sale. Wet me...

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Cowboy rides into a dusty town on his horse and stops at a saloon...

He ties up his horse, goes up the the bar, sits at the counter, and orders a couple beers to quench his thirst. When he walks out, he realizes his horse is missing!


He flings those saloon doors open, hand on his pistol, and shouts, “which one of you sidewinding sons of bitches stole my ho...

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Do you have any experience shoeing horses?

No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

What’s a horses favorite type of ice cream?

Sher-bit

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

Horse buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I hav...

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Horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender: Say Horse, why the long face?

Horse: fuck you.

What do fancy horses drink?

Chardoneigh.

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

Do you know why pregnant horses run faster?

They have more horse power

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The talking horse.

A man travels quietly in his car when suddenly it breaks down. The man is then forced to get off and check his car engine.

He did not understand what was happening when suddenly a brown horse with white spots approaches to see the car engine.

"It's the carburetor" the man listens, but ...

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Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

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You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

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A man looses his thesaurus.

He searches all over his house for it. He’s double checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members.

His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.

Man: Did you take my thesaurus?

Daughter: ...

How did Forrest Gump’s horse order his favorite drink at the bar?

Gin—NEIGHHHH

A White horse walks into a bar.

The barman remarks "Did you know there's a drink named after you?"

The horse replies "Kevin ?"

My horse will only let me ride him after dark.

He's a total night mare. *she

I saw a horse driving a car the other day

It was a mustang.

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

This morning I reinforced my horse's wooden shack using cement

It's finally stable.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!!!.... just kidding they get shot.

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The difference between "helping your uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse"

isn't much; you'll be sexually molested in either case.

Did you hear about the two horses who fell in love?

It was a lawn-distance relationship.

Why is the horse so happy?

Because he lives in a stable environment.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding their horses across the prairie...

Tonto begins to slow his horse and eventually comes to a complete stop.

Lone Ranger: “What is it Tonto?”

Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

Tonto: “Buffalo come.”

Lone Ranger: “Wow, how do you know that?”

Tonto: *rubs the side of his fac...

I asked my friend how he liked taking care of horses

It's a stable job, he replied.

What did the horse put on his BLT?

Mayo-neigh-s

A man wanted to train a horse.

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.

One day, he was riding the horse and it got s...

Clydesdales are the least trusted of all horses.

So says the most recent Gallop Poll.

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said,...

What did the cow say to the other cow who entered the horse race?

It’s udderly impossible!

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What's does your mom's sister and a horse have in common?

Nothing

One is a homosapien, a bipedal animal that has a high functioning precortex while horses are quadpedal and were used extensively by humans before motor vehicles

This was an aunty-joke

To be or not to be a horse rider....

that is Equestrian.

A horse walks into a triangular bar...

... of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.


The barman replies, "Y, the long face"

Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

Abdul is well hung like a horse...

...like a female horse

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, get the fuck outta here you damn horse, last time you were here you shit on the floor!" And the horse says "Aw come man, I just want a drink." And the bartender says "Well I just want you to get out!" And the horse says "Yeah, well I fucked your ...

My horse lost 25% of its hoof.

oof.

Why do horse-girls like horses so much?

... Because it's the only STABLE relationship they'll ever have!

What do Canadian horses eat?

Ey

What do you call it when you have a dream about a horse in the dark?

A nightmare

Horse, Chicken, Cow

So there is this horse, he is watching TV and sees this really awesome band. He really zeroes in on the lead guitarist. He wants to learn so bad. So he calls the local music instructor and asks if he can teach him to play the guitar. So after a few months, the horse plays exactly like his favori...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

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A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horses ass?

A mechanic

Famous British horse racing broadcaster John McCririck has died aged 79.

His funeral is at 10/1.

How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in the blender

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned!

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

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