A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”

So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves.

When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my...

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

I called my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in the blender

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You’re riding a horse, a lion is chasing you & there’s a giraffe next to you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carrousel

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?

Chardoneigh

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.

​

In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the *hors*pital!

​

Just kidding, they get shot.

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,



Jk they get shot

A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse

But She was just pullin my leg

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.


He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."


"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

...

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I went to go help my friend jack off a horse,

But instead we gave it a blow job.

A horse walks into a bar.

The horse says "I'll have a glass of 30-year-old Napa Cabernet."

The bartender says, "Uhh, how about a beer?"

The horse says "I think not!!"

And he disappears.

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Catherine the Great may have died having sex with a horse...

...but at least she was in a stable relationship.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.........

The doctors described his condition as stable.

What do you call a reluctant horse?

A neigh-sayer

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

Did you know horses have six legs?

They have two legs at the back, and fore legs at the front

What type of horse run the city?

The mare of course.

If I ever get a horse I’m naming it “Mayo”

Because I can say “mayo neighs”

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A cowboy was out riding his horse when he was captured by 3 Indians

The Indians tell him, "We'll give you three wishes before we kill you." The cowboy says, "Okay, well I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy whispers in his horse's ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out of sight. Shortly the horse returns with a beautiful naked redhe...

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in the ocean, if a seahorse is a horse and a catfish is a cat....

then that must mean a blowfish is a whore

A horse enters a caffè

Splash

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the oth...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

The last thing a stud horse is looking for...

is a stable relationship.

Why are horses always contrarian?

All they say is neigh

What do you call an area where multiple horses live?

A neiiiighborhood.

You can lead a horse to water

But you can't drink a horse

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

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Which horse has a dick on its back

A police-horse

Whats the worst name for a horse?

ELMER!

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A man goes into a bar and sees a crying horse...

The bartender says to to the man: „Look, if you can cheer that horse up, all drinks are on the house today.“

The man takes the horse outside and a few minutes later, the horse is laughing loud and doesn’t stop.
A man of his word, the bartender gives the man free drinks.

A week later...

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But how did you make the horse laugh ?

A guy walks into a bar,
He sees a jar full of cash with 'win' written on it.
So he asks the bartender how to win it, the bartender says he must make the horse in the stable laugh.

So the man walks into the stable, comes out, and the horse is laughing.

He takes the cash and leave...

What kind of horses go out after dusk?

NIGHTMARES

100 years ago everyone owned a horse...

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today, everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

How the stables have turned.

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse not understanding English shits on the floor and leaves

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A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

If horse racing is the "sport of kings"

is drag racing the sport of queens?

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

A woman goes shopping with her husband

She spots a pair of boots she loves, the husband says “no chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower into her thigh.

She turns to him and says “no chance love, i...

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Grandpa feels like a horse!

A Grandpa is talking with his grandson.

Grandpa: I'm tell you boy, since I take these vitamins, I feel like a HORSE!

Grandson: Oh yeah Grandpa, you and Grandma are "getting busy"?

Grandpa: No, but I can walk and poop at the same time...

A horse is in the pub having a few drinks...

... when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".

Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything"....

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought a...

What did the horse say after he tripped?

I've fallen, and I can't giddy-up.

A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”

The bartender says, “Y, long face.”

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What do you call an Amish person with his hand up a horse's ass

Mechanic

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

What do you call a designer horse?

Gucci mane

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

My wife and kid are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...

And they are off...

If hay is for horses, what is for unicorns?

Haaaaaaaaay

Watch out for the escaped horse!

He's unstable

Did you hear about the horse with 150 IQ?

He was a stable genius.

I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule.

Guess he just half-assed it...

What do you call a rich horse?

Stable.



(I know this one is old but it makes me laugh every time)

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

I asked my horse if he could talk.

He responded "Nay!"

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”


The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

John and Sir each got a horse

Sir: John...

John: yes, Sir?

Sir: How the world will i tell them apart?

J: Well, Sir...

S: Maybe if i do this *cuts John's horse's tail*... Yes, much better!

J:... But, Sir!

S: Do not disturb me, i...

J:... But that is my horse, Sir!

S: Darn ...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor is beyond me

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.

Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cli...

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for t...

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Capital letters are the only thing between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse...

...and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Where do you go to get a three-legged horse?

The unstable.

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?

They’re both annoying.

A Cowboy is looking in the market for a new horse...

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.

The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:

Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?

Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward...

If a horse trots, does a sea horse

Trout?

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Why are a bunch of horses being sold better than the Greeks?

At least they have a stable economy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?

Whoreshoes.

What kind of cheese can you use to hide a tiny horse?

Mascarpone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

What do you call a horse that lives nearby

A neigh-bour

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a horse's dick and a donkey's dick?

A donkey's dick gets more ass.

A horse walks into a bar

Many people get up out of their chairs and leave, noticing the danger in the situation.