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A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

I named my Horse “Mayo”

And sometimes, Mayo Neighs.

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The horse and the rooster

So a horse and a rooster lived on a farm at the end of a dirt road. One day, the horse was walking down the road and fell into a deep mud hole. He was stuck!!! He hollered and hollered till finally the
Rooster heard him and came running. An idea struck the rooster so he ran back to the farm...

My 8yo daughter came up with this: Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horsepital!

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A cop on a horse stops a little girl riding her bicycle down the street

The cop asks the little girl "hey, did Santa get you this bike for Christmas" to which the little girl proudly replies "well, he sure did!"
The cop chuckles and says "well then, next year tell Santa he should put a reflector on the back" and gives the girl a $5 fine.
The little girl seems ups...

It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.

They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.

Just wanna buy horses (long)

There was a young man interested in buying a pair of horses for breeding. He came across a small ranch with the rancher standing in front of the main entrance while watching a pair or horses gallop inside the fenced property.

Man: How much for the horses?

Rancher: White or black?
...

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A horse has been stolen from old farmer Sven, so Sherlock Holmes was called to the scene to investigate the crime.

The horse was black with white big spots on it according to farmer Sven. Holmes searched for clues together with his trustworthy friend and assistant, Dr. Watson, and found a vague trail of horse cloves and a persons shoes going away towards a strangers stable.

Holmes knocks on the door to t...

I have many stories about my unfortunate attempts to bring horses to a halt.

They're my tales of whoa.

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

Where do horses live?

In the N e i g h bourhood

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A Horse Walks into a Bar

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey fellow, why the long face?”

The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

I have an appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor I don't know.

Have you ever wondered why horses are so happy?

It’s because they have a stable home life.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.

Lol jks, they get shot.

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I helped my uncle jack off a horse

My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse

I have a female Horse who sleeps during the day.

She's such a nightmare!

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

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Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit

Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit. One says to the other "I'll give you $20,000 if you eat that shit" so he does, and collects his money. They walk a while longer and come upon another pile of horse shit. The shit eater, wanting to get even, t...

A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar

The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor.

The pastor explains, "to make the horse go, you gotta yell, 'Thank God!' And to make it stop, yell, 'Hallelujah." The cowboy rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff. Searching his memory, he yells to the horse, "Hallel...

Where does a horse have the most hair?

On the outside.

You can lead a horse to water

But it can still say "neigh"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.

A horse walks into a bar

When he approaches the bar, the bartender said "Hey"

The horse said, "Nah, just beer please. I just ate"

My boss asked for a horse, and I brought him a mule...

He said my work was half-assed.

I held a committee against horses but it failed to pass through.

All of them were Neigh-sayers.

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

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What is main difference between the mating habits of the horse and the unicorn?

The unicorn is much hornier.

In the horse world, how do you end up with millions?

Start with billions...

My family owns a horse. This joke hits a little too close to home.

In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish.

It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.

Which cheese do you use to hide a small horse ?

Mascarpone

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:

- That’ll be $25.

The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:

- You see, we don’t really have many horses coming in here.

To which the horse replies:...

I promise this joke does not contain any horse puns whatsoever...

April Foals!

What did the horse say when she fell down?

Help! I've fallen can't giddy up!

A farmer was riding his horse:

The farmer says "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse."
The horse comes to a quick stop and looks at the farmer and says, "Moooooo."

I recently bought a horse and I decided to name him Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night

She's my worst night mare

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rick had cars. Today everyone own cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.

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What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?

Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.

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So a horse walks into a bar...

The bartender goes "why the long face?"

Then the horse goes "Jim what the fuck we've been over this"

*I'm way too proud of that joke*

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

What happened to the exhausted horse?

He hit the hay

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass...

Doctors say that his condition is stable.

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

What kind of horse is the fastest?

>! A pregnant one, because it has 2 horsepower !<

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

I think my horse is a blacksmith...

You see, every time I yell at him he makes a bolt for the door!

Whats in common between your ex and a horse?

People like riding horses.

What do you call a horse meat sandwich in Kentucky?

Last placed.

Soldier: A horse is definitely man's best friend.

His wife: I thought dogs were man's best friend.

Soldier: Ever done a hasty retreat from a losing battle on a chihuahua.

Why shouldn’t you leave a horse near cryptocurrency?

Because it will chomp at the bit.

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

Where do you find a horse with no legs?

Where you left him.

Told to me today by a first grader.

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy a race horse.

I'll name it "My Face" so when it's behind everyone will be screaming "Come on My Face!".

What do you call a doctor who is half-human, half-horse?

The Centaur for Disease Control and Prevention

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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Went for a job interview for a blacksmiths apprentice

I was asked "have you ever shooed a horse before?" I said "no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

Horse walks into a bar...

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says “why the long face”.

The horse looks disappointed, and says “that’s a shame that I come into this bar expecting to relax but instead get treated with disrespect and stereotyped for my looks in the assumption that I don’t have feelings”.

The barma...

if your friend Jack got stuck on a horse

would you help Jack of a horse

What did the horse say to the snowman that lived nextdoor?

Hay Neigh Brr

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How do you keep a horses ass from talking?

Suspend his Twitter account

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Used to know this guy who always tried to draw attention to the fact he was half-horse.

Never could stop being the centaur of attention.

A farmer dies and gives two horses to his sons.

The first son says: We should cut one ear off so that we can tell them apart.

The second son agrees and they cut one ear off the horse.

That night the horse sees that he doesn't have an ear and thinks that he should bite off the ear of the other horse, and he does.

The next morn...

What would you get if Mr Rogers was a horse?

A beautiful day in the NEIGH-borhood!

A horse walks into a bar.

He orders a shot of whiskey and a beer.

The bartender says “Why the long face?”

The horse replies “My alcoholism is destroying my family.”

What do horses that live near each other call each other?

Neigh-bors!

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

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I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

What do you call the mythical creature that is half horse, half virologist?

The Centaur for disease control.

What do horses say when their food gets stolen?

Hay come back!

Ever since I was a child I’ve wanted to be a doctor, but my horse keeps telling me I can’t.

He’s such a naysayer.

How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

Why are horses always so negative?

Because they are neigh sayers.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

A young Amish couple got married. After the wedding, they went out for a ride on a horse and buggy.

Everything was going fine, until all of a sudden the horse stops. The husband gets out, walks over to the horse, looks it dead in the eyes and said "That's one". The husband gets back in the buggy, and they start moving like normal. A few minutes later, the horse stops again. The husband gets o...

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

Did you hear about the horse who had to go to court?

At first he was gonna lie, but then the judge reminded him he was under oats.

How did the horse slide into the other horse’s dm’s?

hay

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

Two cowboys are riding along on their horses.

They soon get tired, and are miles away from home after getting lost. They find a near by tree, tie up their horses, and sleep, completely forgetting they have no food and little water.

The next morning they are famished, finally realizing they have no food. On says to the other, “We can kill...

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Why do horses love unicorns so much?

Because they’re always horny!

Did you know pregnant horses run faster?

They have two horsepower.

A woman calls the vet about her horse...

when the vet diagnosis the horse he tells the women that the horse will need to be given 2 pills a day rectaly. He takes a straw shows the lady how and tells her to try with the second pill.
The lady flips the straw around and delivers the pill while the vet is staring at her she says... "I'm not...

How do you tell a police horse from a regular horse?

The police horse goes "Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw".

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

Had a friend who was half horse, half human

He was always the centaur of attention.

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Two horses are sitting at a bar

The horses are taking about races they've been in recently
Horse 1: I was at a race, laps behind the rest. All of a sudden I feel a red hot poker up me ass anyways I put on speed and win the whole race.
Horse 2: Well now you mention that I was at a race, laps behind. All of a sudden I feel a r...

How can you tell the difference between a horse and a pig?

The horse is the one that doesn't look like a pig.

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

What do you call it when the medieval warrior's horse has a bad dream?

A knightmare.

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Surrendering to Germany is like fucking a horse

You only have to do it once to be remembered for it

I am vegan and I am against horses pulling carriages.

It's animal ab use.

Christian Horse

A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."

Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse ...

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

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Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.'I don't mean to brag,' says one of them 'but out of the 20 races I've had so far, I've won 11 of them.''You think that's impressive?' Laughs another 'I've been in 35 races and won 20 of them!''Is that it?' Says the third 'I've had 50 and won...

What’s the biggest mistake you can make with a horse

Buying one

Two friends bought two horses

One for each friend. They had to keep their horses at the same place so the 1st friend asked, “How are we going to identify which horse is yours and which one is mine?”
2nd friend: “For that, I have an idea. I'll shave my horse's neck hair. So the one without neck hair would be mine and the one w...

Did you know Juan the horse has a brother named jamal?

Nothing really special, they're identical twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal

What do you call a horse with two legs?

A horse without two legs.

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to get on their high horse and the other to chastise them for oppressing the horse.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

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