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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

I call my horse Mayo

And sometimes Mayo neighs

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought a...

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the oth...

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A man goes into a bar and sees a crying horse...

The bartender says to to the man: „Look, if you can cheer that horse up, all drinks are on the house today.“

The man takes the horse outside and a few minutes later, the horse is laughing loud and doesn’t stop.
A man of his word, the bartender gives the man free drinks.

A week later...

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

Your Uncle Jack is Stuck On a Horse

Would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

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You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

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I went to help my friend jack off a horse

But we gave it a blow job instead.

A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse

but she was just pulling my leg.

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A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.........

The doctors described his condition as stable.

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule.

Guess he just half-assed it...

Watch out for the escaped horse!

He's unstable

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

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A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "why the long face?"

The horse, being a horse and thus incapable of conversation, says nothing and shits on the floor.

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A horse walks into a bar

Bartender asks: "what can i get you?"

The horse doesnt understand, shits on the floor and leaves.

I asked my horse if he could talk.

He responded "Nay!"

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”

The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

John and Sir each got a horse

Sir: John...

John: yes, Sir?

Sir: How the world will i tell them apart?

J: Well, Sir...

S: Maybe if i do this *cuts John's horse's tail*... Yes, much better!

J:... But, Sir!

S: Do not disturb me, i...

J:... But that is my horse, Sir!

S: Darn ...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.

Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cli...

I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor is beyond me

Why are a bunch of horses being sold better than the Greeks?

At least they have a stable economy.

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

Capital letters are the only thing between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse...

...and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Where do you go to get a three-legged horse?

The unstable.

A Cowboy is looking in the market for a new horse...

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.

The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:

Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?

Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward...

A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat....

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the...

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?

They’re both annoying.

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

What do you call a horse that lives nearby

A neigh-bour

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it’s an alcoholic, considering all the bars it frequents, to which the horse replies,"I don't think I am."

POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time in which any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."

But to explain that concept beforehand would b...

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

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What's the difference between a horse's dick and a donkey's dick?

A donkey's dick gets more ass.

What kind of horses only come after dark?


What kind of cheese can you use to hide a tiny horse?


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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for t...

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“Do you know what it means when a bunch of horses are bucking around and going crazy?”

No papa i don’t.

It means there’s a storm coming. Do you know what it means when a herd of cattle are all lying down?

There’s a storm coming?

No, they’re fucking tired.

*told to me by my 80 year old grandfather*

A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the bouncer, "Seriously, Frankie, why are we even paying you?"

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

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What do you call strippers in a wooden horse?

Trojan Whores

A horse starts a band

A horse starts a band with some of his friends from the farm. The horse became the singer, the pig became the drummer and, one of the cows was a guitarist and the sheep was one too. One day the horse found a nice woman (a horse too) and after a while they got married. After that the band gets so pop...

A horse walks into a bar

Many people get up out of their chairs and leave, noticing the danger in the situation.

What do celebrity horses eat?

Matthew McConaughay

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Horse went to a bar and started drinking beer. He ended up drinking too much beer.

He then accidentally spilled beer of another guy sitting next to him. He apologized and said he’s gonna buy beer for him. The guy agreed. Horse had already ran out of money though. So he hides behind the counter and silently pissed on the glass and fills it up. He gives the glass to the man.

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.


At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race.

I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.

"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!' I hear that everywhere I go."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"

The horse responds with, ...

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A man was admitting in the ER last night with a toy horse stuck in his rectum.

Docs say he is in stable condition.

My friend gave his horse marijuana thinking it would make him run faster.

I asked him to get off his high horse immediately.

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A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

What do you say to a horse before a race?

I mean, you can't exactly tell it "Break a Leg"

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What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?


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Could you make a horse cry??

Crying Horse

Man walks into a bar and sits down. Next to him there is a jar full of money with a note, " Make the horse laugh and you get all of the money in the jar." So the man heads for the horse in the back room of the bar. The man whispers in the horses ear, and the horse laughs hysteric...

What did the horse say to the scarecrow?


People call me an idiot because I like to sneak up behind horses just to scare them.

But I get a kick out of it.

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A man walks into town and offers anyone $1000 if they can make his horse laugh.

People line up and try to make the horse laugh, they tell jokes and make a fool of themselves, but to no avail.

As the man is preparing to leave for the day a mysterious man walks up and asks if he can try, the owner agrees. The mysterious man walks up to the horse and whispers something int...

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An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.

“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him.

“No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

A man's horse was suffering from a terrible case of hemorrhoids.

After careful evaluation, the vet tells him it's the worst case he's seen in years.

The doctor then prescribes a super potent powder that is to be applied to the area, with a caveat that the powder causes severe skin irritation on humans, so the best way to apply the powder, explains the doc...

A man walked into a hospital with 10 plastic horses in his stomach.

He started fidgeting, so the receptionist said: "hold your horses."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse and a barrel full of money...

He asks the bartender “hey man what’s up with the horse and the money?”

Bartender goes “well here’s the deal - you put $5 in the barrel, and if you can make the horse laugh you get all the money.”

Looking at the barrel, the man sees it’s nearly full of $5 bills, so he smiles, walks o...

What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting?

A stable economy.

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes ...

I am seeing a horse right now

We've been dating for only a month, but I can say it's a stable relationship

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking horse stand...

I had a bad dream last night about a horse running in the dark...

...I think it was a night mare.

How does a black and white horse spell zoo?

With a Z Bruh!

A horse walks into a barn

A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

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A man walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner. [Long]

He walks over to the bartender and asks why it's there. The bartender answers, "For $5 you can try to make the horse laugh. If you succeed, you take the whole pot."

The man walks over, puts in the money, and in almost no time at all the horse is laughing. The man takes the money and walks out...

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

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Jack Black, Kyle Gass, and a horse walk into a bar

They sit down, order drinks, have a little bit of conversation.

The bartender is having a great time. The boys are funny, Jack Black is more charming in person than he has been in recent days. They're having some light banter about this and that.

The bartender asks them, "So boys...wha...

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but prom...

Why do horse girls love their horses so much?

Because its the only stable relationship they'll ever have.

Blonde Goes Horse Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse'...

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Whoa! We don't serve your kind in here".

The horse asks, "You mean because I'm a horse?"

"No, because you're black"



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A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want ...

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

So i just moved in with my horse girlfriend

You could call it a stable relationship

Humans used to ride cows and bulls into battle before horses were domesticated

It wasn't very good, they were udderly defeated

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The Horsepital.

Just kidding they get shot.

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing

And they're off!

So, a horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?" And Ann Coulter just flips her hair around while trying to remember when her parents told her she was pretty.

horse riding

so a native americain comes to town, and go into a shop to buy supplies. Inside the shop women ask the man if she can get ride to the end of town.

The native americain completes the voyage and let her go. the man the women was waiting for across town ask her "how was the ride" and the women s...

*DOCTOR*: We got your test results back. You're healthy as a horse.

*Me*: Oh, that's great news. Thanks so much.
*Doctor*: Well, a horse that has cancer.

My wife wants to break up with me because I would be too obsessed with horses.

I thought we'd have a stable relationship, but neigh...

What do you feed a female horse after dark?

Nightmare fuel

I wonder if when Trump said he was a stable genius he was referring to knowing a lot about horses...

Cause he's not very smart.

What did the horse say when it fell down?

“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up.”

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I got a job as a blacksmith and was asked if I could shoe a horse..

I said no, but I have told a donkey to fuck off

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse

Both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared
for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go
get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the