Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

What do you call a depressed acapella group?

Self Harmony

A group of crows is called a murder. What do you call a group of Karens??

A migraine.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?

Because they literally can't even

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

What do you call a group of rebellious ants?

Protestants

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A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of streetwalkers

Every day as he passes them, they wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boyyy". One day the boy stops and asks one of them why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies, "Well... that's what size we imagine your penis to be. It's just a joke!"

The next day on...

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
<...

When I die, I want the people I did group projects with me to lower me into my grave...

...so they can let me down one last time.

What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore...

What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?

A Gangaroo

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

What do you call a group of racist white chickens

COO CLUCKS CLAN

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.

So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"

The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."

A group of mathematicians walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "what can I get you guys?"

The first mathematician replies, "I'll have a beer."

The second mathematician replies, "I'll have a half of a beer."

The third replies, "I'll have a fourth of a beer."

The fourth replies, "I'll have an eighth of a beer." ...

How do you fight a group of clowns?

You go for the juggler

What do you call a group of Middle Eastern mice ?

United Arab Emi-rats

If a Cheetah made a rap group, what would it be called?

...Rapid.

What is the difference when a group of republicans scream for Trump to have "4 more years" and when a group of democrats scream it?

The republicans are saying it during his election, the democrats are saying it during his sentencing.

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

What do you call a group of divorced mutants?

The Ex-Men.

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I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

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A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends.....

was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home ‪around 11:30‬.....One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading."Damn it woman!" he exclaimed. ...

How should a group of 10 people be when driving around in a car?

Carful.

A group of cows is called a herd; what do you call a group of snakes?

A tangle.

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Kids are working on a group project when....

the teacher notices one of the kids isn’t doing anything, she calls him up and says,
##
“Hey! I noticed you were not really doing much, what’s going on?”
###
The kid replies
###
“Well, I can’t work with my team because..”
###
He is abruptly cut off as the teacher says,...

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A large group of people went to a restaurant together

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

I heard that 1 in every 5 people from a group have the potential to be a serial killer

So I killed them all just to be safe.

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A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.

“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”

The music group 4 Non Blondes are now the 3 Non Blondes.

The 4th one dyed.

They say that there is a potential murderer in every friend group

I suspected it was Dave so I killed him before he could harm anyone.

A group of boxers stand in line to get some drinks at a party.

That's it. That's the punchline.

A group of piranhas can devour a child in 30 seconds...

It was my last day at the aquarium, but I found it interesting....

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A world war 2 fighter pilot is giving a talk to a group of school children about the Battle of Britain

An RAF veteran from the free Polish forces is giving a talk to a class of young school children and was trying to explain what the battle of Britain was like.

" Out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed ...

“So, we good then? I don’t gotta turn in my part of the group project?”

—Nevada

In every group of friends there's always...

The schizophrenic.

A group of Franciscan Monks arrived at the front of the Playboy Mansion

They all started setting up shops. One by one, they would close down, and the only carts that remained sold flowers.

The police and the media started to show up, amazed that the monks were able to sell flowers on the Playboy Mansion front steps. Passers by would buy a rose, and pass the house...

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

What do you call a group of indifferent communists

A So-be-it Union

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

They threatened to do unspeakable things !

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

A group of tourist..

A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into t...

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout ...

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

Due to Covid, the seven dwarves have been told that they can only meet in groups of 6.

One of them isn't happy.

I formed a support group for people who suffer from Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately it didn't work out. Everyone wanted to have it at their place.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?

Corvid-19

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

Why do EMTs always travel in groups of two?

Because they're a pair-a-medics!

A group of politicians started a band

with Al Gore as the drummer. Old Al could never get the hang of keeping time, though: he would play 3/4 beats on 4/4 songs and 2/4 beats on 3/4 songs. It was always a mess, but the band tried to work through things and kept playing shows in spite of Al's problems. Obviously, they weren't very suc...

I think I want to create a support group for pessimists.

Then again why bother, it will never work.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

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They say there’s at least one jerk in every group of friends...

But when my friends get in a circle there’s a hell of a lot more jerks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians...

Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians, and the barbarian leader says: "We will offer you two options: first option: you die. Second option: our strongest warrior will flick your dick 100 times."

Without hesitation, one of the captured says: "I'll get the dick flicking option, I don't...

Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much

I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right ...

True story.....Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS

, SouthCarolina bikers were riding East on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the r...

How do you control a group of hot girls?

You use the firehoes.

A group of cows? A herd.

A group of crows? A murder.
A group of guys called Richard? A bag.

A group of anti-maskers looked at me disgustingly

I don't know if it was because I was wearing a mask or nothing but a mask.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

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I went to a support group for masturbation addicts the other day.

It was the best meeting I've ever been to, hands down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an atheist, and a monk walk into a bar.

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant~~

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.~~

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

T...

Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”

“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.

“Well,” said the second friend, “I want them to say that I was a man who never gave up on my dreams and lived a very fulfilling life.”

“As for me”, said the thi...

Me: "how do I get one of those singing groups?"

Director: "you mean a choir?"

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes, fine. How do aquire one of those singing groups?

I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling

But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.

At the Olympics, a guy walks past a group of spectators, carrying a long pole.

One of the onlookers says to the guy, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy responds, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

A band group was practicing the night before their big performance...

The rehearsal was going great! But the guitarist went up to the band leader.

“I’m not so sure that I’m going to do well tomorrow. I really don’t want to screw it up.”

The leader replies: “our performance will be just fine as long as you don’t fret!”

The guitarist has a puzzled l...

So I was in my room and I saw a group of ten ants just running around frantically. I felt badly for them so I made a small house for them. out of a cardboard box.

This technically makes me their landlord and they are my.....


Tenants

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of nuns are on the way to the beach when the bus they're in veers off the road and burns to smithereens.

They all wake up to see they are at the pearly gates of heaven with Saint Paul standing in front of them.

St. Paul goes the first nun and says, "sister have you ever had any contact with a penis? "

"Yes father, I once touched a penis with my finger. "

St. Paul says, "Please di...

What do you call a group of monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime Mates

Name for a PTSD support group

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD. We were trying to think up a group name, apparently 'The Suicide Squad' isn't considered appropriate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their young children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He t...

I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people

Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of people were in a lift

and one person notices a stain on the wall.

"Is that... Is that semen?!", she exclaims.

A blonde goes over to have a look. She takes a sniff. She pokes it with her finger. She then licks a bit of it to taste it.

"It is semen", she says, "but... Hmm... It's not anyone from *this*...

Did you know that a group of crows are called 'murder.'

Well, technically it's only a murder, if there's probable caws.

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

Have you heard about that cyber-hacking group out of Canada that is uncovering corruption around the world?

They call themselves "Anony-moose."

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A group of soldiers are walking in the woods, lost and in need of shelter

After hours they stumble across an old shack, with smoke coming out of it. The leader goes inside to check and hopefully find someone who can help them. Inside is an old woman, all dirty. The man explains their situation and she makes a deal with him. She says: “I haven’t had a good fucking in a lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to a support group tonight for my issue with Premature Ejaculation

I’m not sure what to wear, so I’ll probably just come in my pants

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way. They decided to switch things up by giving all the jokes a number each and just saying the joke's number instead of telling the whole joke, making things more efficient and different.

One day they sit together and tell some jokes.
<...

A group of hard of hearing people are protesting

"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids!"

"When do we want it?"

"Hearing aids!"

A coworker competing with me for a promotion sent me this message: "armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state."

This means war.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently discovered my therapist uses electric stimulation to encourage group participation.

I was shocked to say the least.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...

A priest, doctor, and engineer are golfing

They are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimes in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest says, “Here comes the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word...

A Group of Karens

Is the collective noun for a group of angry, uneducated and entitled white women called a trump of Karens?

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