UPJOKE
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Group Jokes

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

What do you call a group of deaf cows

Not herd

A man was walking through the desert and passed a group of vultures feasting on a dead animal.

The vultures stopped eating and looked at him, obviously disturbed.

The man casually commented "Carrion."

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Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

It dawned on me why teenagers are always in groups of 3 or 5

Because they can’t even

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What do you call a group of knights standing in a circle ejaculating on each other?

A Sircumference

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

I saw a group of people in the morning smoking weed.

They must have started the day on a high note.

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

What rock group has four men that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hairline

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

Gonna start a musical group called "SPHINCTER OF DOOM"

Our music might stink, but we'll be a tight knit band.

When is a group of horses less than a whole horse?

When it’s three Quarter Horses.

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A group of mafia men are playing poker

One turns to the other and asks: "What's two times four?"

"Eight" the other answers, upon which the first guy pulls out his gun and shoots him down

"Why did you do that?!" another guy screams.

"He knew too much"

what do you call a group of crows who do something out of curiosity?

A tempted murder

Hey everyone! What do you call a group of batmen and woman?

>!An orphanage!!<

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

What do you call it when a group of Pacific Islanders forget things?

Poly-amnesia

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NSFW: I asked a group of prostitutes if they would donate their services to my charity.

None of them gave a fuck.

I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.

It's great, they send me new matches every day.

A group of four protons was complaining to a group of of eleven.

“Can’t you just let us Be?”, they asked.
The group of eleven replied, “Na”.

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So a dude is visiting a group of engineers

the chief engineer greets him and gives him a tour of the facility.

"Right now we're building machinery for the military", says the chief engineer.

the guy sees an assault rifle mounted onto a complicated looking device and asks, "whats going on over here?"

the chief engineer re...

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

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A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...

Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.

Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I...

A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

I gave an emotional speech at my conjunctivitis support group the other day.

There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?

A Freedom Caucus.

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

When I die, I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.

That way they can let me down one last time.

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

What Do You Call A Hypothetical Group Of Ravens?

A conspiracy theory!

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to him.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

How do you take out a group of clowns?

You go straight for the Juggler.

i found a great online support group for erectile dysfunction

but the site won’t stay up

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A group of nuns were on a cross-country road trip

When they encountered a man driving erratically on the freeway, speeding, cutting them off, break checking and just generally driving in a way that would make the Lord frown.

"This man needs Jesus. Show him your Cross"

That's when sweet old Sister Mary Margaret pulled up along side of...

I’m starting a group for people who have OCD.

We meet 10 times a day.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

A group of Jewish women are out at brunch

...when the waiter comes over and says "ladies, is anything ok?"

What do people in Seattle call a group of little kids dressed as ghosts for Halloween?

A micro-boo-ery!

Happy Halloween :)

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

Did you hear about the new religious group of dentists?

They called themselves the Holy Molars.

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

There was a group of ravens in the park today fighting over a happy meal,

I'd never seen such a great unkindness before; I had thought they were crows until I walked closer, for a second I thought I had witnessed a murder.

Earlier today I saw this dude walking out of an erectile dysfunction support group. He looked like a douche, so I tried to fight him. But no luck...

It's almost impossible to get a rise out of those people.

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

Santa and his wife had a messy divorce after they both got colostomies.

After encouragement from friends and family, they both joined the support group for people with colostomies ironically named The Semicolon. Due to the help and support they got, they ended up remarrying.

Two independent Clauses were able to be joined as a result of The Semicolon.

what do you call a group of Goth people eating ice cream?

Depressed á la móde

What do you call a group of terrorists in a pool?

A bath bomb!!!

my son says he's a small group of words that stand together to convey a concept

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

So an LGBTQ group plan a meeting one day.

And the leader of the group asks: “What’s on the agenda?”

One of the group members stand up and say: “A top hat. Thanks for noticing!”

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A group of engineering professors were invited to fly a plane

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: "Why did you stay put?"
...

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

Clubhouse

A group of men are changing in the locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, wha...

What do you call a group of people pretending they know what they are talking about?

Reddit.

What do you call an emo a Capella group?

Self Harmony

When a group gather to make fun of the Walker Texas Ranger...

...It's a Chuck Roast

Why don’t illegal immigrants ever cross the border in groups of three?

Because of all the No “Tres”passing signs that are posted

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What do you call the Beatles at a group sex party

Fabfournicators

What do you call a group of domestic abusers?

A Heard.

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A terrorist group decides to hold a public castration of three villagers.

They ask to the first villager for his occupation. When he says that he's a woodsman they castrate him with an axe.

Then they ask to the second villager. Frightened, he says that he's a farmer. They castrate him with a sickle.

When the turn comes to the third villager they see that he ...

A group of frat boys walks into a bar

They order a round for everyone, and one of them hoists his stein up and says "Fourteen months!" And they all cheer and drink.

They all finish their rounds, and order another. They cheer "Fourteen months!" And drink. And more cheering, and more drinking, and each time one of them says "Fo...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with ...

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3s, 5s and 7s?

Because they can't even.

What do you call a support group for people who talk too much?

On and on Anon

what do you call a rap group based around citrus fruits?

A tribe called zest.

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

I entered a raffle to win a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars.

It was the constellation prize.

I've just joined a procrastinators support group.

Ìt is called Wait Watchers.

Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!

The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come

My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told

3 men are captured by a group of Indians

The Indians tell the men “were going to kill you, skin you, and turn your skin into canoes. You have 3 options, we can burn you, drown you, or hang you.”

First guy says, “hang me.” So they hang him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.

Second guy says, “down me.” So they drown him, skin h...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

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A group of friends are high

A group of friends are getting high at their Hispanic friend’s house.

Of course with the room being fill with smoke, the mother of the Hispanic friend smells it and opens the room.

(Shocked) She begins to pray. “Dios mío…santo Jose…, santo Juan Diego…”

The guys replied. “ shi...

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

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What do you call a group of blowjob enthusiasts?

A gaggle

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman “they must have the same landlord I do."

Did you know a group of crows is called a murder?

Well… technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

What do you call a group of two crippled people?

A “pair of plegics”

A group of organic molecules

A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and robbed all the precious jewels. A tall, strong man, armed with a gun came into the room and thrashed the robbers one by one. The guests were very grateful and asked for his name, to which he replied, "M...

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

There's a name for a group of racist birds

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan

The Age of a Dinosaur

This old natural museum guide, near retirement, is talking to a group of visitors about a T-Rex skeleton.

"This dinosaur is sixty-five million and thirty-three years, ten months and six days."

"How can the age be so precise?" asks a visitor.

"Well", the old man ponders out loud...

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

A group of engineering teachers walk onto a plane..

..the teachers were on their way to an engineering confrence. The pilot came on the intercom and welcomed the teachers on board. He then said, "Teachers, we have word that your students completed all the math and physics that went into building this plane."

In a hurry, all the teachers rushe...

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Not to brag, but my friends and I did a lot of experimenting with drugs and sex when we were in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

What do you call a group of handicapped potheads?

The Rolling Stoners

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

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I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Support Group

So I just came in my pants

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

What do you call it when a group of people survive a deadly plane crash?

Just plane scary.

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

A group of nuns from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs

They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by a Mother Superior. They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "OOOOOOOOOH!' The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters,...

How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb?

You don't, just let them sit and cry in the dark

An owl gets thirsty

An owl gets thirsty during his evening flight. He spots a group of 13 male owls hanging out in a tree and approaches them.

"Hey, I'm thirsty", he hoots, "Know any good bars around here to get a drink?"

"No", they hoot back, "But we're thirsty too. We'll go searching for a place to drin...

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

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Group sex? Yeah, I've tried group sex.

My wife screwed me in front of a jury.

R. Dangerfield

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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Went to a faith healer group last night.

It was so shit, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

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Today I went to my premature ejaculation support group meeting

Turns out it was tomorrow.

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

I have a huge problem with procrastination and I want to do something about it NOW, so I've started a self help group for others like me

Meetings begin next week

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

Stalin visits a group of Little Octobrists.

He asks one boy, "What is your name?"

"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.

Stalin: So tell me , Vovochka, who is your mother?

Vovochka: My mother is the Great Soviet Country!

Stalin: Very good, and your father?

Vovochka: My father is Iosif Vis...

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Liar

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. “Evening, boys. What are you doing?” “Nothing much, Pastor,” replied the one lad. “We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life.” “Boys, boys, boys!” intoned the minister. “I'm shocked. When I was you...

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

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… I rang the door bell, didn’t I?

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that
read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICA...

A group of cows

A group of cows are enjoying drinks and chewing the cud at a local bar.

A horse walks through the door and looks around, seeming a little out of place.

One of the cows, who had already had a few too many, calls out, “Hey fella, why the lo-“

But the bartender cuts him off.
...

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

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