UPJOKE
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I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

I’m starting a group for people who have OCD.

We meet 10 times a day.

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to him.

A group of Jewish women are out at brunch

...when the waiter comes over and says "ladies, is anything ok?"

What do you call a group of terrorists in a pool?

A bath bomb!!!

what rock group has 4 men that can't sing?

Mt. Rushmore

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

What do you call a support group for people who talk too much?

On and on Anon

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What do you call the Beatles at a group sex party

Fabfournicators

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

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A terrorist group decides to hold a public castration of three villagers.

They ask to the first villager for his occupation. When he says that he's a woodsman they castrate him with an axe.

Then they ask to the second villager. Frightened, he says that he's a farmer. They castrate him with a sickle.

When the turn comes to the third villager they see that he ...

I entered a raffle to win a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars.

It was the constellation prize.

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

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The organs of the human body meet up at their weekly support group.

Heart: So tell me, how are all of you doing?

Large intestine: Not good. I’m all backed up on work and my productivity is shit.

Gallbladder: Same here. My girlfriend told me yesterday that she thinks I’m narcisscystic.

Heart: How about you, Brain?

Brain: Just terrible. I...

A group of organic molecules

A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and robbed all the precious jewels. A tall, strong man, armed with a gun came into the room and thrashed the robbers one by one. The guests were very grateful and asked for his name, to which he replied, "M...

So an LGBTQ group plan a meeting one day.

And the leader of the group asks: “What’s on the agenda?”

One of the group members stand up and say: “A top hat. Thanks for noticing!”

A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should mee...

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman “they must have the same landlord I do."

What do you call a group of people pretending they know what they are talking about?

Reddit.

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

What do you call a group of two crippled people?

A “pair of plegics”

A group of engineering teachers walk onto a plane..

..the teachers were on their way to an engineering confrence. The pilot came on the intercom and welcomed the teachers on board. He then said, "Teachers, we have word that your students completed all the math and physics that went into building this plane."

In a hurry, all the teachers rushe...

What do you call a group of domestic abusers?

A Heard.

What do you call an emo a cappella group?

Self Harmony

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

What do you call it when a group of people survive a deadly plane crash?

Just plane scary.

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A group of engineering professors were invited to fly a plane

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: "Why did you stay put?"
...

My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

3 men are captured by a group of Indians

The Indians tell the men “were going to kill you, skin you, and turn your skin into canoes. You have 3 options, we can burn you, drown you, or hang you.”

First guy says, “hang me.” So they hang him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.

Second guy says, “down me.” So they drown him, skin h...

I've just joined a procrastinators support group.

Ìt is called Wait Watchers.

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What do you call a group of blowjob enthusiasts?

A gaggle

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with ...

How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb?

You don't, just let them sit and cry in the dark

There's a name for a group of racist birds

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

What do you call a group of handicapped potheads?

The Rolling Stoners

Did you know a group of crows is called a murder?

Well… technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.

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Went to a faith healer group last night.

It was so shit, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

A group of nuns from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs

They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by a Mother Superior. They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "OOOOOOOOOH!' The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters,...

I have a huge problem with procrastination and I want to do something about it NOW, so I've started a self help group for others like me

Meetings begin next week

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Group sex? Yeah, I've tried group sex.

My wife screwed me in front of a jury.

R. Dangerfield

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3s, 5s and 7s?

Because they can't even.

Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.

*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 o...

A group of cows

A group of cows are enjoying drinks and chewing the cud at a local bar.

A horse walks through the door and looks around, seeming a little out of place.

One of the cows, who had already had a few too many, calls out, “Hey fella, why the lo-“

But the bartender cuts him off.
...

What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

>!Band aides!<

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Today I went to my premature ejaculation support group meeting

Turns out it was tomorrow.

What's it called when a group of drunk footballers in a pub start chanting 'OY OY OY'?

an ***Oy-ing.***

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Why can’t groups of Tyrannosauruses clap together..?

They have no rhythm

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Perspective

Three children are playing football in a park. Out of nowhere a large dog runs over to the group and attacks one of them unprovoked.

One of the other children tries to help his friend and kicks the dog in the head, killing it instantly.

A reporter who happened to be passing comes racin...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come

Stalin visits a group of Little Octobrists.

He asks one boy, "What is your name?"

"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.

Stalin: So tell me , Vovochka, who is your mother?

Vovochka: My mother is the Great Soviet Country!

Stalin: Very good, and your father?

Vovochka: My father is Iosif Vis...

i'm making a sitcom about a group of deaf friends who live together in new york

it's called signfeld

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

What do you call a group of Jewish cows?

Filet Minyan

What did the plastic surgery addicts meeting leader say when she addressed the group?

I see some new faces here and I’m very disappointed!

A bunch of different birds are chilling in a large group when

Another type of bird comes out of nowhere. "sorry lads I've just arrived from europe!" says the bird,

"Ukraine?" askes another. "Nah mate I'm a pelican"

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

I formed a new musical group called Katniss...

It's a tribute band.

The Ugly Bus

A bus filled with burn victims unfortunately crashes over a cliff and they all arrive at Heaven's gates in front of St. Peter.

God instructs St. Peter to give them all one wish since they've had a tough life as burn victims.

St. Peter explains this to the group and the first person ask...

A group of blondes walk into a building...

You would think at least one would have seen it...

There was a group that was debating about trains.

I asked, "What's all the locommotion?"

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

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Ambidextrous Golfer

Heard the one about the Ambidextrous Golfer?

There’s a lady golfer alone at the golf course and a group of men ask her if she wants to join them. She says ok. She plays right handed and beats them so hard the guys want to play more and ask if she’ll be back tomorrow. She says, “Yeah but I mig...

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

Have you heard about the activist group that fights for ceramic containers in fast food restaurants?

They call themselves the "Bowl movement".

I went to a concert hosted by the Dyslexics Support Group.

Queef Latina was the headliner and they put on a hell of a show.

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Did you hear about the lady who went out fishing with a group of men?

She came back with a red snapper.

I go to a Plastic Surgery Addict Support Group weekly.

There are a lot of new faces in the group every week.

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A group of friends encountered a swimming pool

Upon approaching a genie popped up and told them it was a magic pool. "Just jump in and mid-jump ask what you would like the water to turn into".

The first friend ran up to the pool, took a leap, yelled "BEER!" and what would you know? He landed in a pool full of beer!

After he got out...

What do you call a group of guys who lie about telling funny dad jokes but aren't fathers themselves?

faux pas

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I learned the other day that a group of baboons is called a Congress

I found it extremely insulting to the hard work and productivity of baboons.

What do you call a large group of germs?

A Germany.

Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

Which ethnic group do you never see holding a housewarming party?

Eskimos.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

What do you call a group of old people dressing up and play fighting in the woods?

LAARPing

Why did the group of chickens walk across the street right into a pack of wolves?

They were told it was just a training mission.

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

Did you hear about the hate-group whose members are mainly doves and chickens?

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan.

A group of people are teleported to hell...

Satan sucks the life spirit out of all of them, but one.

He was the soul survivor.

Why shouldn’t you tell a funny joke to a group of 5 blonde girls?

Because you’ll have to explain it 5 times

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. I called the cops because I think he must be a part of...

...some extreme mist group.

Two groups of archers were in a battle.

the account of the battle was poorly translated through Spanish and went like this:

one group of archers fired rice at the other.

each of the archers in the second group was hit by January.

one lone surviving sad archer in the second group fired back a single wide brimmed hat....

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was.

Apparently, most members just come in their pants.

What is messy coder's blood group ?

Type O

A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.

When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.

What group of people never get angry?

The nomads!

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

What do you call a group of communist psychologists passed out drunk?

A collective unconscious.

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

My daughter is in her room with two of her male classmates for group studies.

I guess they are acing the Q and A as I can hear her shout "Yes ..yes" for quite a long time..

Which group does the LGBTQ+ fear the most?

The LGBTQ- because they will cancel each other.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Miss Annie was teaching Sunday school to a group of first graders.

She explained that Easter would come soon, and asked if anyone knew which holiday Easter was.

Little Suzie asked, “Is that the holiday where we get a tree, and everyone gets presents?”

Miss Annie said, “No that is Christmas.”

Little Billy asked, “Is that the holiday where we hav...

What do you call a group of Karen's and Kevin's?

An HOA board

A group of people are lining up to punch you

That was the punch line

A father and a daughter are travelling in a big foreign city

They are attacked by a group of robbers, and they are left destitute. The father breaks into tears.

"My daughter, what are we going to do now? We are doomed!" He cries, hopeless.

"No, we are not", says the daughter smiling, and hands him his wallet with all the money in place.
...

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