drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with *two* dead dogs?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank

A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.

The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 yea...

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They will kill your dog

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

Why do dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?

The lead on his guide dog goes slack.

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call them, they’re still not going to come

People ask why I named my dog 5 miles.

It just feels good to tell people I walked 5 Miles today.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

Did you know that a dog wrote a book about his adventures in space?

*I, Shih Tzu-Naut*

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls...

"Man," says the first guy. "I wish I could do that!" "I don't know," says the second guy. "Maybe you should pet him first."

A woman calls the vet because her beloved dog isn’t moving.

The vet makes a house call and after a quick examination tells the woman her dog is going to die.

​

“Isn’t there anything you can do?” the woman pleads with the vet. He thinks it over, leaves the room, and returns with her cat. The cat sniffs the dog head to toe, looks him o...

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

I bought a dog off a black smith once

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

Why are dogs into BDSM?

They like it ruff

My dog ate my coding homework.

Took him a couple bytes.

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke

Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog

Dog: Oh, go on

Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand

Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese

Man: OK. Knock Knock

Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.

‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's.

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.

The doctor say "Your dog i...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

​

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

​

He hands her a set of te...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

poor dog...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".

So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.

"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet...

"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"

"No," says the vet, "bec...

Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

How do dogs always know who is barking?

They have collar ID

I named my dog honey

so that when I come home I can say "Honey I'm home".

What do you call a sad fruit dog?

Melancholy

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

What did Jesus say to the sick dog?

Heal!

Someone broke into Battersea dogs home and released all the dogs last night...

The police are desperately looking for leads.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

i'm trying to teach my dog the basics of physics and we're at "every action has an equal and opposite reaction"

when he pulls on the leash, so do i

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

A Motivational Speaker Runs a Hot Dog Stand

A customer comes and buys a hot dog. The hot dog costs $3 and the customer gave a $5 bill. The Motivational Speaker takes the $5 and pockets it.

The customer, now angry, shouted "Hey! Gimmie my change!"

To which the Motivational Speaker responded, "Change is from within."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few years ago, I worked with a woman that was totally obssessed with her dogs...

...and would take every opportunity to tell everyone about them. She really bored 'er collieagues.

Shit Sue we called her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a small dog from Japan?

A konnichihuahua.

When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock last night.

Bad Minton.

I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal was a small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the president's dog so horny?

Because it was a TrumpPet

What type of dogs are inbred?

Hotdogs

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

A dog walks into an employment agency and says he’s looking for full-time work.

“Holy cow! A talking dog!” the agency owner cries. “With your talent, I’m sure we could find you a job in entertainment. Maybe a circus?”

&#x200B;

“A circus?” the dog asks. “Why would the circus need an accountant?”

OC! A 3-legged dog walks into a bar; he’s wearing a prosthetic.

The bartender is obviously checking out his prosthesis.

“Oh that,” says the dog, “excuse the faux paw.”

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

What do you call a dog that’s into S&M?

A sub-woofer

-Mommy, the dogs are f*cking!

-Then do not look there!

-But it hurts!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything

Why are dogs better than their owners?

When I whistle at both of them, only the dog gets excited.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog's name is Butter

Butter, short for Butterscotch. Anyhow, one night, around 10pm, I went to the back porch to put Butter in her pen, and she was waiting for me. I pick her up and start to make the 15 yard walk to her pen, and this dog turns around and bites me. Now, I did what any other person would do, I dropped the...

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

What did the shoe said when a dog is following him?

*shoo*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what...

I just had to put my dog down. I never want to do that again.

I'm going to work on my upper body strength.

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

A wet nose.

As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,

But he'd herd them all.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone

A golden receiver!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bad dog!

A guy tells his wife he has to work late, and takes his secretary to a hotel room for some wild sex. On his way home, he notices a huge hickey on his neck and begins to panic. What would he tell his wife?

Walking in the door he is greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he drop...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say a dog is a man's best friend.

But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst having a shit on my carpet.

Why are dead dogs so happy?

Because they finally got all their bones buried.

Why he named his dog 'naked'?

So, he can tell his friends , "Hold on. I am gonna get naked".

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday

She's fine. But, the dog died

What do french people call hot dogs?

Ouiners

An Iditerod racer took a sled dog to the vet. "He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans Siberian Husky."

if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be?

roofing

I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

After my dog died, I had him skinned and made into a rug.

He's now a Labradoormat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

What kind of dog does not bark?

A hush puppy!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking my dog through the local cemetery early one morning

When I saw a man crouching down by a grave stone.

"Morning!" I yelled towards him.

He looked up and yelled back "nope, just having a shit!"

What's the difference between a fox and a dog?

About 8 pints of larger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

What do you call a Dog barking at a Submarine?

A Subwoofer

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

Two Chinawomen go to the States for the first time ever. They hear that, strangely enough, they eat “dogs” over there.

Upon getting out of the airport, they spot a hotdog stand and immediately they are keen on trying it.

“Two,” one lady tells the hotdog guy.

After a minute, they walk off with their hotdogs wrapped in paper. They unwrap their food at the same time, gasp and look at each other with a m...

A dog asks a dog: "How is it going?"

The dog replies: "Ruuuufff"

Why do Ivan Pavlov's dogs have the shiniest and softest fur?

Repeated conditioning.

When I got home I asked my dog, how is it going

He replied: "Ruuuufff"

How far can a dog run into the woods?

Halfway. After that, he’s running out of the woods

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you be polite to a lady dog?

Bitch please!

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: "My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me."


Second woman: "I know."


First one: "How?"


Second one: "My dog told me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Roomba ran over dog poop in the house and is now suffering from PTSD.

Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

What kind of dog leaves a permanent mark?

A Shar Pei

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

Now, most of us walk our dogs.

In China, they wok theirs.

What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

What is a dogs favorite plant?

A collie flower.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between my wife and my dog?

One's a bitch, and the other one I hope to keep after this divorce.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been told that my dick tastes like bacon...

But for me, the real story there is that my dog can talk.

What do you call a crossover between a dog and a cat?

If you thought it's Cog, it's exactly Dat.

Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem?

Because solving problems are ruff.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog, the owner asks him, "Would you like a male or a female dog?"

"Bitch please."

An old, tired looking dog

wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour...

Blind man walks with his dog into a convenience store.

He lifts his dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head.

Store manager runs over and ask "can I help you with anything!"

Blind man says "no thanks, I'm just looking around."

My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in?

The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in