A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

​

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the d...

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog?

For a walka walka walka

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred...

I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something.

How do you make a dog drink?

You put it in a blender

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot

It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

I bought an ex blacksmiths dog...

When I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

A little girl lived next to a Firehouse.

Inspired by the activity when the firemen would respond to an emergency, she decided she wanted to be just like them.She took her little red wagon and rolled up a garden hose and stuck it to the wagon.Then she fixated a crude,makeshift ladder.Finally she grabbed a rope,tied one end to the front of h...

I had a dog called dad.

He never came back.

A Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand

And says, “make me one with everything”

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with *two* dead dogs?”

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

What video game do dogs play when up for a challenge?

Barksouls

What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!

So the vendor makes a dog with the works and gives it to the monk.

The monk hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor pockets it and starts serving other customers.

The monk says wait, where is my change?

Vendor: change comes only from...

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Just been playing frisbee with the dog,

bloody hopeless, need a flatter dog.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Walking the dog

I hate it when I'm walking around the
park and a dog shits and people just
walk off and leave it. I'm like, "Excuse me, are you not going to pick that up?"

They reply with things like, "No, fuck off,
it's your dog."

What do dogs and trees share most in common?

They both come with bark

I want to a zoo recently. All it had was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy and a talking dog

A young boy goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack...

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals.

The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”

​

The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

I once heard of a prison for dogs

I heard it's ruff

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank

A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.

The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 yea...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?

The lead on his guide dog goes slack.

Which dog knows how to swim underwater?

Scuba-doo

What do you call a chinese dog that is running?

Fast food.

Did you hear about the man who had a dog without any legs?

Yeah, he called him cigarette.

He takes him out every night for a drag.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his dog walk into a bar, they order two whiskey, cheer and both drink it.

The waitress looks stunned and asks if there are other tricks his dog can do. The man answers ''Yes, he's very good at oral sex. The woman blushes and asks ''Really, can I try it?'' The man answers ''Sure'' and sends the dog and woman in a private room, the woman lies there naked and the dog looks a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The $10 dog

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting ...

Why do dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

I remember studying Pavlov in school and thinking, "Those stupid dogs."

and then the bell went and we all had lunch

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

What do you call it when more people bite dogs than dogs bite people?

China

Why was the dog in the driver's seat of the limousine?

It was hired to show fur!

Best name for a pet dog with no legs

Doesn’t matter, it won’t be able to come to you.

What do a dog and a short-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

How do you keep your dog from barking in the backseat?

Put him in the front seat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog Minton just ate my shuttlecock

Bad Minton

I walked into the airport with my recently deceased dog.

I was immediately stopped by security and airport staff alike.

"Sir, you can't bring that on a airplane."

"Oh, I thought I was allowed one carrion bag."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Dog Meeting

The dogs once held a meeting,
They came from near and far.
Some came by boats and planes,
Others came by car.

Before each dog could register
His name upon the book,
He had to take his asshole off
And hang it on a hook.

And as they sat there in a group,
Eac...

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

People ask why I named my dog 5 miles.

It just feels good to tell people I walked 5 Miles today.

Apparently German U-boat crews used to have dogs on board as mascots.

They were subwoofers.

I have a friend who named his dog “Talk”

He can finally walk the talk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

- Dog’s 911: What is your emergency?

- Dog: The boy threw me the ball and I can’t find it.
- Dog’s 911: Have you checked he doesn’t have it in his hand?
- Dog: Of course I check...Shit!

Poor Dog.

Bob's father asked him to go buy some bullets and his mother asked him if he could buy some suppositories. Bob bought everything he needed but on the way back home he fell and when he was picking everything up he put the bullets in the suppository box and the suppositories in the bullet box. He retu...

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

What do you name a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

Yeah I've had it with my dog chasing everyone on his bike...

"Seriously? What are you gonna do about it"?

"Confiscate his bike".

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

Did you know that a dog wrote a book about his adventures in space?

*I, Shih Tzu-Naut*

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking down the street today when I accidentally trod in some dog shit.

While I was cleaning it off my shoe, I saw another guy tread in the same crap, so I said “I just did that!”.
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

My Dog is like nature

She abhors a vacuum

A guy lost his dog

The guy takes the dead dog to the vet to get the vet's opinion. The vet said the dog is dead. The owner didn't want to admit his dog is dead and asked for a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. It sniffs the dead dog and says "meow". That was the 2nd opinion which was the dog is dead. The guy wanted a 3...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

How’s life as a police dog?

Ruff.

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke

Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog

Dog: Oh, go on

Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand

Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese

Man: OK. Knock Knock

Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

It’s raining cats and dogs outside!

I stepped in a poodle.

A dog randomly saved my life a few years ago, I ended up taking him home with me and naming him Malone.

Because I will never be able to pay him back.

Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"

"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman,


I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"

"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man,


" Would you support another Brexit referend...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a ton of dogs having sex in Wales?

A Welsh Corgy.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog.

He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.


Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the heck are you doing?"


The blind man tu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.

‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him...

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you greet a friendly dog in Japanese?

Konnichihuahua

What do you call a dog carrying a rose?

A collie-flower

We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar

But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all...

My dog ate my coding homework.

Took him a couple bytes.

Why do Chinese people get good grades in maths?

Because their dogs don't eat their homework

Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

A woman calls the vet because her beloved dog isn’t moving.

The vet makes a house call and after a quick examination tells the woman her dog is going to die.

​

“Isn’t there anything you can do?” the woman pleads with the vet. He thinks it over, leaves the room, and returns with her cat. The cat sniffs the dog head to toe, looks him o...

Man goes to the vet about his dogs fleas.

The vet: “I’m sorry I’m gonna have to put this dog down.”
The man asks why.
“Because he’s far too heavy.”

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's.

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.

The doctor say "Your dog i...

Free talking dog

A man was driving along a Farm Road when he saw a sign that said free talking dog.

The man had to see this. He pulled up to the house where there was an old farmer sitting on the porch. He asked the farmer can I see the dog. The farmer shook his head and pointed around back.

The man sa...

What do Barcelona FC and a dog walker with Parkinson's have in common?

Neither of them can hold a lead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

Talking Dog

A man driving up a rural road sees a large sign, “Free Talking Dog” Intrigued he pulls into a small farm and sees a man sitting on his porch next to a beautiful Golden Retriever. He asks the farmer, “what’s up with the talking dog sign?”
The dog interrupts and says “I will answer that. Origin...

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...