UPJOKE
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Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common?

Loud fans

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?

So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

Hockey Joke

Why did the refs stop play in the Washington Capitals game?

Kuznetsov.

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

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**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

My performance in the bedroom is like a high-sticking call in hockey.

Typically 2 minutes, but 4 minutes if there's blood.

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

What do you call hockey for hawks?

Hawkey

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

I was disappointed at the sudden cancellation of the Int’l Leprosy Association’s annual hockey game…

Apparently there was a face off in the corner

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

What’s the difference a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player showers after three periods

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player?

Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He wants to bet on (American) football

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football.

The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.

The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

Why did the hockey player hate his desk job at the ice skating rink?

Because he was in the office part of the building

I was just watching the Oscars...

And a hockey game broke out.

I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.

They sent me to the managers office

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?



They both go three periods before taking a shower.



\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If my sex life was a hockey game

I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities.

Why did Jesus never play hockey?

He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing, to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Suddenly, she heard a voice saying, "There are no fish in here."

So, she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again, telling her, there are no fish in there. <...

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

Why don’t they allow people with leprosy to play hockey?

There’s already too many faceoffs

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

Why do Canadians do it doggy-style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.



(Told to me by my 11th grade English teacher, who should have known better. Shame on you, Mr. Avril.)

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

My friend has a really inspirational story.

He used to be a cop, but after a while the job really got to him. He was an alcoholic for a long time, and a particular thing for strong, dark beers.

Eventually though, my friend decided to make a change. He went to therapy, quit drinking, and he even quit his job to pursue his real passion....

Women make terrible hockey goalies...

Their pads only last one period.

Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes?

Because icing is not allowed.

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game?

Before first period

What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

Why don't lepers play Hockey?

All the face offs scare the crowd.

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free h...

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

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