UPJOKE
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Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

Do you know what an enforcer does on a hockey team?

Just checking.

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common?

Loud fans

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

Hockey Joke

Why did the refs stop play in the Washington Capitals game?

Kuznetsov.

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?

So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When do hockey players like to have sex?

Between periods.

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player?

Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players take thier pads off after three periods.

I was just watching the Oscars...

And a hockey game broke out.

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing, to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Suddenly, she heard a voice saying, "There are no fish in here."

So, she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again, telling her, there are no fish in there. <...

I've always loved hockey. I live, sleep and breathe it. In fact, my mother says I was born with skates on my feet.

She also says it was the worst caesarean the doctors ever seen.

What do you call a hockey player in a wheat field when it’s raining?

Grayne Wetzky

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Why did Jesus never play hockey?

He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.

Why do Canadians do it doggy-style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.



(Told to me by my 11th grade English teacher, who should have known better. Shame on you, Mr. Avril.)

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.

They sent me to the managers office

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?



They both go three periods before taking a shower.



\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

My friend has a really inspirational story.

He used to be a cop, but after a while the job really got to him. He was an alcoholic for a long time, and a particular thing for strong, dark beers.

Eventually though, my friend decided to make a change. He went to therapy, quit drinking, and he even quit his job to pursue his real passion....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

Why did the hockey player hate his desk job at the ice skating rink?

Because he was in the office part of the building

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why do Canadians have sex dog style?

So they both watch the hockey game.

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If my sex life was a hockey game

I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities.

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

Two Nuns with Hockey Sticks

Two nuns walking down the street, swinging hockey sticks.

One looks at the other, saying, "What we need is a good hard puck!"

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

Why don’t they allow people with leprosy to play hockey?

There’s already too many faceoffs

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

Why did the referee blow his whistle at the leper hockey game?

There was a face off at centre ice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde wants to go ice fishing....

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She’d seen many books on the subject and after gathering all of the necessary equipment decided to head for the ice.

Once on the ice, she pulls out her auger and starts to cut a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,”THERE ...

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game?

Before first period

What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free h...

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

Why can’t girls play hockey?

Because their pads only last one period!

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

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