What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

The hockey player changes his pads after three periods

I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.

They sent me to the managers office

Do you know what an enforcer does on a hockey team?

Just checking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If my sex life was a hockey game

I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities.

The ref called a timeout at the leper hockey game.

There was a faceoff on the ice.

What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common?

Loud fans

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

Why don’t they allow people with leprosy to play hockey?

There’s already too many faceoffs

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

A Dumb Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

A dumb blonde goes ice fishing.

The dumb blonde finds a good spot on the ice, cuts a whole in it and begins fishing.

Suddenly a loud voice from up above says "There are no fish here!"

The dumb blonde gets startled and decides to move to a new spot on the ice. The dumb blonde cu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Why can’t girls play hockey?

Because their pads only last one period!

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

Why isn't Jesus good at playing hockey?

He's always getting nailed to the boards.

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

Hockey Joke

Why did the refs stop play in the Washington Capitals game?

Kuznetsov.

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh?

He's too hung up on lacrosse.

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What position would Hitler play in Hockey?

Reich Wing

How many teeth does a hockey player have?

Don’t you mean tooth?

Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

Why don't lepers play Hockey?

All the face offs scare the crowd.

When is a pedophile's favourite part of a hockey game?

Before the first period.

What do you call a Canadian fight ring?

A hockey game.

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

Did you hear about the Mexican hockey goalie?

Jesus saves... A lot.

Leper Jokes

Why did they stop the leper football game? There was a hand off at the fifty yard-line.



Why did they stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.



Why did they stop the leper baseball game? Somebody dropped a ball in left field.



(I us...

My Girlfriend was really athletic

After all she was on the jv wrestling team, on the football team, and hockey goalie.

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

I Saw a Hockey Game in Canada...

It was a-moose-ing.

Promotion

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!


Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.


Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!


Young man (think...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_



**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 ou...

My son is playing hockey for the youth Nashville team.

GO CHILD PREDATORS!!!

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

Why didn't Jason wear his hockey mask for Halloween?

Because you don't wear white after Labor Day.

My friend and I visited Canada for the first time...

We went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out.

Ten reasons why hockey is better than women

1: In hockey, everyone likes rough.

2: You only get 5 minutes for fighting.

3: Puck is not a dirty word.

4: You don't have to play in the neutral zone.

5: It is possible to score a few times a night.

6: When you "pull the goalie," nobody gets pregnant.

7: Mi...

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

What's the difference between a hockey game

and a high school reunion? At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Why do hipsters love field hockey?

Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool.

What do you call a dad and his son over for dinner at a famous hockey players home?

.....
.....The Father
.....The Son
.....And The Goalie Host

Hockey players are known for their summer teeth

Summer here, summer there

Why do girls suck at playing hockey as goalie?

Because there are 3 periods and only 2 pads

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

They had to stop the leprosy hockey game

Due to a face-off in the corner.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free h...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.