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Hockey Jokes

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

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Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common?

Loud fans

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?

So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

Hockey Joke

Why did the refs stop play in the Washington Capitals game?

Kuznetsov.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic."

I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

I asked my wife what the score on the hockey game was.

I was stuck in traffic. Called home she said it was 2-1 in the third quarter. I said it's not the third quarter it's the third period. She said, oh, that explains all the blood.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled?

Because of the face off in the corner

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player?

Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

My performance in the bedroom is like a high-sticking call in hockey.

Typically 2 minutes, but 4 minutes if there's blood.

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

I was disappointed at the sudden cancellation of the Int’l Leprosy Association’s annual hockey game…

Apparently there was a face off in the corner

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

Why did they cancel the leper hockey league?

There were too many faces off.

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

I've always loved hockey. I live, sleep and breathe it. In fact, my mother says I was born with skates on my feet.

She also says it was the worst caesarean the doctors ever seen.

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We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh?

He's too hung up on lacrosse.

I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.

They sent me to the managers office

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?



They both go three periods before taking a shower.



\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

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If my sex life was a hockey game

I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities.

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Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

Why did the hockey player hate his desk job at the ice skating rink?

Because he was in the office part of the building

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

Two Nuns with Hockey Sticks

Two nuns walking down the street, swinging hockey sticks.

One looks at the other, saying, "What we need is a good hard puck!"

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

Women make terrible hockey goalies...

Their pads only last one period.

Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes?

Because icing is not allowed.

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

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the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

Why don’t they allow people with leprosy to play hockey?

There’s already too many faceoffs

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

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Biochem professor told me this one today... Who is the all time leading scorer in hockey history?

-(Answer)

-No, no its not him. Its a Japanese guy, the name's Eshutsi.

-Eshutsi? I've never heard of him....

-You haven't? How many times have you heard the announcer say "He shoots he scores!!!"

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game?

Before first period

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He wants to bet on (American) football

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football.

The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.

The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again, an...

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free h...

What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

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