What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common?

Loud fans

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

Hockey Joke

Why did the refs stop play in the Washington Capitals game?

Kuznetsov.

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hockey player gets sent to jail for soliciting a prostitute

I guess you could say he was sent to the Penalty Box for hooking

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.

Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says "at least he got ice on it right away."

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player?

Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

How many teeth does a hockey player have?

Don’t you mean tooth?

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players take thier pads off after three periods.

What do you call a hockey player in a wheat field when it’s raining?

Grayne Wetzky

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?

So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to become a professional Hockey player?

The only problem was.. is that he never wanted to score after the first period.

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

Why did Jesus never play hockey?

He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.

I've always loved hockey. I live, sleep and breathe it. In fact, my mother says I was born with skates on my feet.

She also says it was the worst caesarean the doctors ever seen.

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If my sex life was a hockey game

I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities.

”I don’t like Canada...

...it’s a land full to the brim with nothing but hockey players and hookers.”

”Hey, watch your mouth! I’ll have you know my wife’s Canadian.”

”Oh really? What team does she play for?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

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Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"

"No."

"Do you play soccer?"

"No."

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?



They both go three periods before taking a shower.



\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.

They sent me to the managers office

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

Two Nuns with Hockey Sticks

Two nuns walking down the street, swinging hockey sticks.

One looks at the other, saying, "What we need is a good hard puck!"

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What position would Hitler play in Hockey?

Reich Wing

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

I went to a fight the other night...

and a hockey game broke out.

Why don’t they allow people with leprosy to play hockey?

There’s already too many faceoffs

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

Why don't lepers play Hockey?

All the face offs scare the crowd.

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game?

Before first period

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free h...

Why can’t girls play hockey?

Because their pads only last one period!

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

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