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Hockey Jokes

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

Do you know what an enforcer does on a hockey team?

Just checking.

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?

So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley cup looks like.

What does a hockey game and an airboat have in common?

Loud fans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic."

I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

I asked my wife what the score on the hockey game was.

I was stuck in traffic. Called home she said it was 2-1 in the third quarter. I said it's not the third quarter it's the third period. She said, oh, that explains all the blood.

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick

What is a mathematician's favorite hockey team?

the Edmonton Eulers

What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices?

Wayne Regretsky

What position does the Messiah play in Hockey?

Goalie...Jesus saves man))))))

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player?

Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

My performance in the bedroom is like a high-sticking call in hockey.

Typically 2 minutes, but 4 minutes if there's blood.

Why did they cancel the leper hockey league?

There were too many faces off.

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face off in the corner.

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

I've always loved hockey. I live, sleep and breathe it. In fact, my mother says I was born with skates on my feet.

She also says it was the worst caesarean the doctors ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.

They sent me to the managers office

My son is playing hockey for the youth Nashville team.

GO CHILD PREDATORS!!!

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?



They both go three periods before taking a shower.



\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh?

He's too hung up on lacrosse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If my sex life was a hockey game

I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities.

Why did the hockey player hate his desk job at the ice skating rink?

Because he was in the office part of the building

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

Why can’t Puerto Rican’s play hockey.

Because they would make Piaguas out of the ice.

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

Why don’t they allow people with leprosy to play hockey?

There’s already too many faceoffs

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

give me an example of a tragedy?

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a '...

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

When is a pedofiles favorite part of a hockey game?

Before first period

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

I Saw a Hockey Game in Canada...

It was a-moose-ing.

Women make terrible hockey goalies...

Their pads only last one period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes?

Because icing is not allowed.

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free h...

What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

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