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Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

What’s the difference between God and hockey?

God isn’t real

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A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of le...

A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey?

He is afraid of getting nailed into the boards.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

How many teeth does a hockey player have?

Don’t you mean tooth?

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

Hockey Joke

Why did the refs stop play in the Washington Capitals game?


What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?

In a hockey game, the fights are real.

What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player

A hockey player showers after 3 periods

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey, eh?

He's too hung up on lacrosse.

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

Hockey fans, you know what I mean.

It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredi...

What's the difference between a hockey puck made of Styrofoam and bestiality?

One of them is a phony puck...

Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

I watched hockey before it was cool.

They basically were swimming.

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

Did you hear about the Mexican hockey goalie?

Jesus saves... A lot.

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

When is a pedophile's favourite part of a hockey game?

Before the first period.

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?


Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

I Saw a Hockey Game in Canada...

It was a-moose-ing.

A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.

”Theres no fish under the ice!” a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill

”Theres no fish under the ice!” The voice said again. The man got nervous

”Is it God speaking?” He asked

”No the is hockey coach. Now g...

Why didn't Jason wear his hockey mask for Halloween?

Because you don't wear white after Labor Day.

My son is playing hockey for the youth Nashville team.


Ten reasons why hockey is better than women

1: In hockey, everyone likes rough.

2: You only get 5 minutes for fighting.

3: Puck is not a dirty word.

4: You don't have to play in the neutral zone.

5: It is possible to score a few times a night.

6: When you "pull the goalie," nobody gets pregnant.

7: Mi...

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A man goes into a supermarket to buy a half head of lettuce... (2 punch lines for the price of 1)

He goes up to a teenager stocking the shelves and asks, "I'm looking to buy a half-head of lettuce, do you have any?"
The teenager replies, "Not that I know of, let me go check in the back."
So, he goes into the back, finds his manager, and says, "Can you believe there's some fuckin' asshole...

Women make terrible hockey goalies...

Their pads only last one period.

What do you call a dad and his son over for dinner at a famous hockey players home?

.....The Father
.....The Son
.....And The Goalie Host

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy


Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!

Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.

Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!

Young man (think...

Hockey players are known for their summer teeth

Summer here, summer there

Why do hipsters love field hockey?

Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool.

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A young Iraqi hockey player

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

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Conversation around the water cooler in Chicago....

Boss: I'm headed up to Canada for a week.

Underling: Why, the only things to come from Canada are whores and hockey players!

Boss: I'll have you know my wife is from Canada!

Underling: Really?! What position does she play?

Why do girls suck at playing hockey as goalie?

Because there are 3 periods and only 2 pads

They had to stop the leprosy hockey game

Due to a face-off in the corner.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress

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A Japanese person, a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were aboard a flight when it started to crash

“The plane is too heavy, we have to lighten the load!“ the pilot exclaims. The Japanese person looks at her baggage full of computers and electronics, and drops it out of the plane. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in my country” she says.

The Canadian person follows suit and empties his lug...

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free h...

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