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A man goes to France for a golf tournament, but hires a hooker for the night before

The woman gets there and pretty soon they start doing their thing. While they're having sex, the hooker keeps saying a phrase over and over again, but the man can't understand what she's saying because he doesn't know much French. The man assumes that she's saying something that would indicate that ...

I was the referee in a Russian Roulette tournament

I did an excellent job, none of the losers complained

What do you get when you cross a gladiatorial-style tournament with children?

The Younger Games

Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament

At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

Company Picnic Softball Tournament

At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept. won ,9-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of ...

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

The governor of Florida had enough

The governor of Florida had enough of the Florida jokes. It was affecting their tourism and he was always made fun of at the annual governor softball tournament. He sat in his office all day and thought of ways how to change this.

One day, the governor of Alabama called. It was a social call...

What would dwarves name a movie about an underground drinking tournament.

Need for Mead.

What five letters are the most feared in the NCAA Tournament?

COVID

Tiger woods got in an accident the same reason he lost his last tournament

Because of his terrible driving

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I can't wait for the official jokes tournament this year.

It's going to be pun on a bun!

I tried to organize a hide and seek tournament.

But good players are hard to find.

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

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Tiger Woods goes to Japan

Tiger Woods goes to Japan for a golf tournament. The night before, he hires a prostitute. As they are having sex, the prostitute is shouting, "!Machigatta ana" Tiger doesn't know any Japanese, but he figures she is saying she is satisfied.

The next day at the tournament, on the 18th hole, Tig...

What trophy do octopuses win as the grand prize in the cephalopod racing tournament?

The Suction Cup

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

My son’s team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

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Did you hear about the tennis tournament that forced its players to masturbate to determine who gets the ball?

First cum, first serve.

When does Sean Connery arrive to watch the Wimbledon tournament?

Around ten-ish.

So the Devil goes to God and says "We're having a basketball tournament."

Then God says "Hold up, give me one second."

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

It was my first time attending a beyblade tournament

"Let it rip" didn't mean what I think it meant

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing tournament ?

Live stream

How did Eddie Money get himself and a friend into the backgammon tournament?

Two tickets, two pair of dice.



Note: I looked through my old posts and can't believe only 4 people thought the original version of this was funny. I'm trying again with an edited version.

An Australian goes to a chess tournament

When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all join a tournament.

They are allowed to bring any weapon they choose, and the only rule is that the first person to draw blood wins.

The brunette walks in with a badass double edged axe,

the redhead walks in with a huge longsword,

and the blonde shows up with a red marker.

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

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Three disabled swimmers are competing in one tournament

First does not have legs, judges is asking him how he is going to swim he answers "You will see" and he is thrown into the water. He finishes the race using only his arms.
Second one does not have arms, again judge asks him how he is going to do it, he replies "You will see". He is jumps in to t...

A man is caught cheating in a Limbo tournament.

The organizer, hurt and dissapointed, asks him: "How low can you go?"

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An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York.

However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the be...

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

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A golfer and his caddy went to Japan for a tournament

The caddy went out to a brothel one night, and for the entire night, the hooker he was with screamed “YAMAKOTO, YAMAKOTO!”. The caddy, not knowing Japanese, assumed that the hooker was praising him.
The next day was the big tournament. The golfer scores a hole in one, and the entire crowd shouted...

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An American golfer is asked to compete in a tournament in Japan

As soon as he gets there he starts partying as he has a few days to spare until the tournament begins. He starts dancing with an absolutely stunning Japanese girl and decides that despite the fact she speaks no English at all he's going to try and get her to sleep with him, they start kissing as the...

A stupid knight won a jousting tournament.

While awarding his prize, the king had to ask, "How does such a dumb man win a contest like this one?"

The squire answered, "All the points just go over his head."

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters

Entered an erection tournament the other day

the competition was stiff

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

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A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.

The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.

Got disqualified from a quiz tournament last night

We were called Quizlamic State

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A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

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I entered a blindfolded masturbation tournament.

No idea where I came.

what do you call a fencing tournament held on a nuclear submersible?

A sub full of ripostes

I once entered a hotel that was hosting a professional chess tournament. There were a bunch of players bragging about how good they were to incoming guests

They were chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.

A chess player was travelling abroad for a tournament

He managed to find a room at a small hotel. Upon entering the room, he immediately knew something was wrong and briskly made his way back to reception.

"Is something wrong?" the receptionist asked, startled by the man's disgruntled demeanour.

The man exclaimed "I thought I paid for ro...

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Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are playing at a charity golf tournament.

Bill sees Tiger at the urinals and peeks down to see that Tiger is very well endowed.


"Tiger, what is your secret?" Bill asks.

Tiger responds: "It's really simple. Every night before I get in bed I whack my dick against my bedpost 3 times. It's been working for me for years!"
...

[NSFW] A knight won a jousting tournament

The princess hosting the tournament said "For winning the joust, I shall reward you according to how your name sounds"

The knight replied "Are you sure milady?"

The princess answered "Of course! The previous winner, Silvers Crowne was granted a silver crown like what his name sounds. N...

The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners ...

Basketball tournament

Two priests joined up together to play one-on-one basketball. After the game was over, one of the priests says: "I wonder if there is basketball in heaven"

The other says "of course there is, heaven is a place of joy and since we both find joy in playing basketball it must be in heaven"
...

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After completing a celebrity pro-am golf tournament, Jackie Chan walks into the clubhouse bar...

As he makes his way through the crowd of professional golfers and lesser celebrities, he mentions to his playing partner, Phil Mickelson, that he makes a point of playing as many pro-ams as he can throughout the year because “it gives him a chance to network with other celebrities.”

At that v...

Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to tournaments

Just in case they get a hole in one.

Why did Tiger Woods stop winning golf tournaments?

Because he stopped cheating

A man enters a golfing tournament...

... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.

After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name....

There isn't enough recognition for the farmer who used his barren field to host the first Bovine Boxing tournament

He gave up an awful lot to see some bulls hit.

An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament

was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When ...

What do you call a badly organised football tournament?

A facup.

Why does USA have hard time competing in chess tournaments?

They are missing two towers

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Why couldn't the vaginas participate in the golf tournament?

Because they weren't members.

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This one is for my chess friends...

Two chess masters are friends for many years and one of them dies.

After a week he shows up in the others dream and he tells him that he has news, good ones and bad ones.

The guy is ecstatic about seeing his friend, and asks what the news were.

He answers: It is wonderful up he...

My Dad is a hardcore racist

He has won 7 tournaments and does the best drifting

How did the group of 4 dogs win the golf tournament?

They combined for 16 paws.

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

The Annual Urology vs Proctology Basketball Tournament ended predictably...

Urology is #1

Proctology is #2

He walks through the midday heat, an occasional shot clips through the trees overhead.

He and many men like him question their logic to sign up. They could be home, spending time with their families but instead they are outside, dehydrated, fighting a battle they probably won't win. Their frustration mounts as they realize it's nothing at all like all the games they played as kids. ...

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

Two men are playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

Two men, one called X and the other called Y, are playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. They've invited some friends, A, B, C and Z, over for a tournament.

Z is the last to arrive, but he's brought whiskey so he's all good. After they've all had a shot of whiskey, they start the tournament. A c...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes...

reserve a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blond...

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

A poem on Timbuktu

A writer and a student were in the finals of a poem tournament and were both given 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu. The writer was up first and he goes:

“On the lonely desert sands,
crossed a lonely caravan,
men on camels two by two,
destination Timbuktu.”
<...

Oscar Chavez was a great fencer

He won many tournaments until he entered the r/jokes fencing tournament.

He used his usual aggressive thrusts, but only his opponents quick parries would score points.

Enraged, he asked the judges why he lost without scoring any points.

"I'm sorry, but this is r/jokes, OC alwa...

After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...





I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I'm actually an amazing swordsman

I got so good at beating the competition that they confiscated my gun

Then they gave me an orange suit, free accomodation and randomized tournaments with makeshift weapons

Kind of a big deal

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Family First (original joke)

Mr. Scott Lood was a poor little farmer from Illinois who paid the bills by churning butter all day and all night. He came from a family of dairy farmers: his father was a cream maker, and his father before him a cheese maker. There was little money to be made in this line of work- so little in fact...

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Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

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Golf in Japan

An American golfer went to Japan for a tournament. The night before he met a woman, and although neither spoke a word of the other’s language, he managed to get the point across. They got into bed and when he stuck it in her she yelled something in Japanese which he took to me she was in ecstasy. ...

A star bingo player goes to the doctor

At one of his bingo tournaments, someone pointed out a dark spot on his neck. The bingo player was worried about this new mole growing on his body, thinking that it could be cancerous.

Bingo player: What do you think of the mole? Should i be worried?

Doctor: B9

The Russian Pretzel

An American wrestler was invited to a tournament in Russia a few years ago.

In his weight class there was a Russian wrestler known for his use of the Russian pretzel to pin his opponents.

Fortunately for the American, he wouldn't have to to face this menacing force until the champion...

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