A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all join a tournament.

They are allowed to bring any weapon they choose, and the only rule is that the first person to draw blood wins.

The brunette walks in with a badass double edged axe,

the redhead walks in with a huge longsword,

and the blonde shows up with a red marker.

Got disqualified from a quiz tournament last night

We were called Quizlamic State

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.

​

“But why?” they ask, as they move off.

​

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out?

He took the knight off.

A man is caught cheating in a Limbo tournament.

The organizer, hurt and dissapointed, asks him: "How low can you go?"

The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners ...

Entered an erection tournament the other day

the competition was stiff

what do you call a fencing tournament held on a nuclear submersible?

A sub full of ripostes

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American golfer is asked to compete in a tournament in Japan

As soon as he gets there he starts partying as he has a few days to spare until the tournament begins. He starts dancing with an absolutely stunning Japanese girl and decides that despite the fact she speaks no English at all he's going to try and get her to sleep with him, they start kissing as the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are playing at a charity golf tournament.

Bill sees Tiger at the urinals and peeks down to see that Tiger is very well endowed.


"Tiger, what is your secret?" Bill asks.

Tiger responds: "It's really simple. Every night before I get in bed I whack my dick against my bedpost 3 times. It's been working for me for years!"
...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

Basketball tournament

Two priests joined up together to play one-on-one basketball. After the game was over, one of the priests says: "I wonder if there is basketball in heaven"

The other says "of course there is, heaven is a place of joy and since we both find joy in playing basketball it must be in heaven"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After completing a celebrity pro-am golf tournament, Jackie Chan walks into the clubhouse bar...

As he makes his way through the crowd of professional golfers and lesser celebrities, he mentions to his playing partner, Phil Mickelson, that he makes a point of playing as many pro-ams as he can throughout the year because “it gives him a chance to network with other celebrities.”

At that v...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.

The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I entered a blindfolded masturbation tournament.

No idea where I came.

There isn't enough recognition for the farmer who used his barren field to host the first Bovine Boxing tournament

He gave up an awful lot to see some bulls hit.

[NSFW] A knight won a jousting tournament

The princess hosting the tournament said "For winning the joust, I shall reward you according to how your name sounds"

The knight replied "Are you sure milady?"

The princess answered "Of course! The previous winner, Silvers Crowne was granted a silver crown like what his name sounds. N...

Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?

Because they lost their 2 best shooters

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a sperm clinic this morning.

The nurse asked me to wank in a cup.

I said, “No thanks. I’m good, but I’m not ready for a tournament.”

A chess player was travelling abroad for a tournament

He managed to find a room at a small hotel. Upon entering the room, he immediately knew something was wrong and briskly made his way back to reception.

"Is something wrong?" the receptionist asked, startled by the man's disgruntled demeanour.

The man exclaimed "I thought I paid for ro...

Why can't America ever win a chess tournament?

Because they're missing two towers

Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to tournaments

Just in case they get a hole in one.

Why does USA have hard time competing in chess tournaments?

They are missing two towers

A man enters a golfing tournament...

... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.

After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name....

Robin Hood is lining up his final shot of the tournament

He turns to the official and asks "If I can fire this arrow into my first will it count as a double bullseye?"

The official replies, "yep, Sherwood"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is preparing for a golf tournament...

When suddenly a leprechaun appears in front of him. The leprechaun says to the man, "Hey pal, I can make sure you win this afternoon, but there's a catch."

The man, not wanting to pass the opportunity, asks, "What's the catch?"

The Leprechaun responds, "The catch is that you have to n...

I said my girlfriend was from another school and none of my friends believed me...

I proved them wrong when they came to our high school one day, you should have seen the look on their faces. So glad we host the 5th grade basketball tournament

After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament

was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear Victoria entered a boxing tournament where the grand prize was a sex change?

I heard she came out the Victor

How did the group of 4 dogs win the golf tournament?

They combined for 16 paws.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why couldn't the vaginas participate in the golf tournament?

Because they weren't members.

Why did Tiger Woods stop winning golf tournaments?

Because he stopped cheating

A Scot, an Australian, and a Czech attended a medieval combat tournament.

At first they each had some difficulties getting prepared.

The Scot was detained by police because of mistaken identity. The Australian got lost on the tournament grounds. And the Czech was having some trouble finding armor that would fit.

But it all worked out, and a mutual friend...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

The Annual Urology vs Proctology Basketball Tournament ended predictably...

Urology is #1

Proctology is #2

Cruel March Madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men’s NCAA tournament pool, you’ll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to co...

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes...

reserve a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blond...

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...

​

​

I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open fo...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golf in Japan

An American golfer went to Japan for a tournament. The night before he met a woman, and although neither spoke a word of the other’s language, he managed to get the point across. They got into bed and when he stuck it in her she yelled something in Japanese which he took to me she was in ecstasy. ...

Three men discover they have each been the victim of a shipwreck at some point in their past.

Three men are talking about their brushes with disaster, and by a stunning coincidence they find that all three of them have, at some point in their lives, been shipwrecked and stranded with the other survivors on a deserted island. They begin to detail their experiences.

"The hardest part wa...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man out golfing meets a leprechaun [Long]

One Saturday afternoon in Ireland, a man is playing a round of golf on his local public course. As he approaches the eighth hole, he hits the ball and slices it pretty hard to the right. Grumbling, he walks out, deep past the weeds and into the tall grass of the surrounding forest, where he stumbles...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Family First (original joke)

Mr. Scott Lood was a poor little farmer from Illinois who paid the bills by churning butter all day and all night. He came from a family of dairy farmers: his father was a cream maker, and his father before him a cheese maker. There was little money to be made in this line of work- so little in fact...

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

A businessman is spending Christmas in a hotel for a meeting.

As it happens, the city he’s visiting is host to the world’s largest chess tournament, and most of the competitors are staying in the same hotel.

The businessman doesn’t really interact with the chess players during his stay, since his meeting is on another floor. But one morning he comes do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My fencing trophy

I recently placed 11th at a local fencing tournament. I got a participation award.
When I came home my wife asked me if I got a trophy
I said "Sword-of"

The Russian Pretzel

An American wrestler was invited to a tournament in Russia a few years ago.

In his weight class there was a Russian wrestler known for his use of the Russian pretzel to pin his opponents.

Fortunately for the American, he wouldn't have to to face this menacing force until the champion...

M&Ms

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters....

Golfer's Dilemma

You are playing in a golf tournament and to your astonishment you are actually winning as you reach the 18th hole. With a one stroke lead over your final opponent, who also happens to be playing the final hole with you, you step up to the tee and hit a perfect 300 yard shot dead center fairway. Your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tiger Woods and a preacher play golf.

Tiger Woods and a local preacher get paired off at a charity golf tournament. On the fourth hole, Tiger misses an easy, 6 foot putt, and shouts "God dammit!" The preacher turns to him and says, "Tiger, you've already angered God. If you blaspheme any more, God will smite you where you stand." 3 ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Archery Competition

Three archers decide to participate in a tournament where each of them has to shoot an apple that is standing on top of a volunteer's head.

The first archer shoots his arrow and it hits dead center on the apple; filled with confidence, he turns to the crowd and says:

"I'm William Tell!...

What is Donald Trump's opinion on Euthenasia?

"Those Chinese kids are really smart, and really fit. Just look at them winning all these ping pong and badminton tournaments...but they should stay in Asia"

The golfer who won a bottle of whiskey

At the local countryclub, a golfer joined the club-tournament and won a bottle of whiskey.
He then came home to his wife completely dirty, bloody and confused.
She asked him:
"What happened?"

He answered:
"Everything is fine... I won a bottle of whiskey at the countryclub, but be...

I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe

We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game.

He's my Czech mate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Redneck

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars in
prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubb...

A guy buys two tickets for the Masters..

A guy buys two tickets to the Masters Tournament. He's sitting front row with an empty seat next to him. A man walks up and asked him if anybody was sitting there. The guy responds; "No this the seat is empty." The man says; "What a shame! Someone bought this amazing seat and didn't show up to watch...

A Golfer's Confession

"I swore yesterday, father."

"Continue," said the priest.

"Well, I was playing in a local golf tournament, and on the eighteenth hole, a par three, I needed a birdie to win. My drive was perfect, but it hit a power line crossing the fairway."

"I see...and you swore at your misfo...

And actor, a director and a writer walk into a bar.

A director, an actor and a writer walk into a bar.

A sign hanging over the bar proclaims an amateur bull-fighting tournament; where a winner can walk away with a load of gold.

The director races to the bullring, confident in winning the bullion. He sets up lights all over the ring and ...

Dogs playing poker

Why are dogs bad at poker?

Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand.

Why did John's dog win the poker tournament?

Because he's a Doberman.

Pun challenge

My friend entered a pun tournament this weekend and had to submit 10 puns. When I asked if he won, he told me "No pun in ten did"

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