My math teacher told me I was great at division.

I'm about to start a civil war

The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.

"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."

The new manager returned to his ...

What's the difference between the 101st Airborne Division and the novel Coronavirus?

The Coronavirus is actually airborne.

You should wear glasses during math.

It improves division.

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

There is a fine line between numerator and denominator

some people appreciate these jokes, some do not.
The division is clear

What do you get when multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction don't shower for a month?

The Odor of Operations

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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A conversation between Hitler and one of his high-rank officers

Alright my grandpa told me this one, here we go:

The officer: *comes into hitlers office* Adolf! Italy joined the war!
Hitler: oh no Problem just send 2 divisions to defeat them.
The officer: No, they joined on our side!
Hitler: ah feck send 4 divisions to help them out!

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

Two childhood friends, Thomas and Jeremy, won the first division lottery.

A week after having won millions of dollars, Thomas asked "Hey Jeremy, what do we do about the begging letters now we're millionaires?"

"Ah, we keep sending them out and seeing who responds."

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

The Final Judgment, Pet Division

A rottweiler, a chihuahua, and a cat all die and appear before the Judgment Seat of Heaven. God asks the rottweiler, "Why should you get into Heaven?"

The rottweiler says, "I protected my family for years, and died saving them from a crazed killer."

God says, "Well done, boy. Come si...

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

The CEO and the Envelopes

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new CEO wa...

Do you know who won the first ‘Tour de France’?

The 5th Panzer Division

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm v...

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

[Bad joke] The other day my sister asked me what the difference between cellular division and a sock is

To which I replied 'Nothing, they both involve mitosis'

I am bad at math, I often mix up multiplication and division.

Though I am great at biology, cause they’re the same damn thing!

What division does a blacksmith boxer compete in?

Smelterweight.

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot during cell division?

Ouch, mitosis!

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

Multiplication in biology means reproduction, which is microscopically accomplished by cell division.

I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.

In our house it's really causing division

What do you call a division that does the same things again for no reason?

The Department of Redundancy Department

I have the talent of doing math with any blade.

Mostly long division.

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I make so many Nazi jokes

I was promoted to captain of the 1st Punzer Division.

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

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My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

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A blond is starting in 2nd grade

On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: "Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the ot...

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

Another “your mama joke”

So this morning I was switching off with the day shift supervisor (I’m the overnight supervisor for the mobile division of a security company) and he asked another of our coworkers “when did your car window get broken?” Before I knew the words had come out of my mouth I said “the same time as your m...

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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You mu...

Where do most neutrons live?

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

What's Kim Jong Un's favorite step of mitosis?

Nuclear division.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

"Okay, we know we said we'd come back stronger than ever this year, and we admit that 4th place in the division is not where we wanted to be. But it IS a better-than-.500 record, so there's that, and we have some good prospects in the pipe for 2019."

Homework.

A girl is doing her homework and her little brother walks in. She asks him for help with a question and he refuses. Angrily she says "Just tell me what the division of two cells is and I won't hurt you". He still won't tell her so she stamps on his foot. "Tell me!" she yells "ouch! mitosis!."

If Cruella de Vil had a daughter, she would be named Lucy.

Lucy would aid the family business by taking up a logistics division, calling the child company Lucy's Fur.

Why does the cell always fail at Math?

It performs division for multiplication.

What was the General's answer...

to the President's inquiry, as to what military division has been most under appreciated during his term?

"Tanks, Obama."

A young Private

A new Private arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told by the Armory Sergeant that resources are stretched thin and they have no rifles to give him, but they still expect him to go on patrol. He asks the Sergeant what he should do if he has to fight? The Sergeant ...

The Union Cavalry were in dire need of recruits...

General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training.

Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern.

“Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” ...

A grandfather went to visit his son's family...

A grandfather went to visit his son's family. When he arrived, he found his nineteen-year-old grandson slumped on the couch, playing video games and surrounded by half-empty bags of chips.

"You're wasting your life!" he said sternly. "By the time I was your age, I'd gone to Paris, went to the...

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Minimum Wage

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards got an anonymous tip that a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help. They immediately sent an official agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RA...

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A business man goes to Japan

A business man had an important meeting to attend in Japan.
He arrives relatively early the night before the meeting so he figures he will take the opportunity to hire a hooker for the evening.
He heads out, finds a girl and brings her back to his hotel.
While he is giving it to her, chan...

A scientists poor life

A scientist and his sister are researching cell division online, when the scientist gets up and hits his foot, yelling in pain. The sister asks, "What's wrong? What did you hurt?". The scientist says "Mytoesis"

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