The 60+ Best Division Jokes

Division

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
...

Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it?

“Because budget cuts, paper”

What is the difference between COVID-19 and the 101st Infantry Division?

COVID-19 is Airborne

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

A Large Russian Division was doing Scouting Recon in Ukraine

From over the Hill they heard a Man Shouting . "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 10 Russian Soldiers " . The General Stopped & Sent 10 Russian Soldiers over the Hill . 5 Minutes of Gunfire was heard & then Silence . Couple of minutes Later they heard "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 100 Ru...

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division...

a guy eagerly asked his recruiter what he could expect from jump school. "Well," the recruiter replied, "it's three weeks long." "What else?" he inquired. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," the recruiter said. "The second week they separate the men from the fools." "And the third ...

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm v...

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Sex is about division, not multiplication

So a long-married 60yo couple get a divorce and revenge remarry 20 year olds.

They bump into each other a year later. After an awkward exchange, the wife says.
'Well, at least I am better off than you.'.
'What do you mean', the ex hubby asked? ' I married a smoking hot 20yo and the sex ...

[Bad joke] The other day my sister asked me what the difference between cellular division and a sock is

To which I replied 'Nothing, they both involve mitosis'

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

What do you get when multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction don't shower for a month?

The Odor of Operations

So We were learning about cell division in biology class today.

I ended up stubbing my toe somehow and i had to go home because it hurt so bad.
When my sister asked what hurt, i said “mitosis.”

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.

He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

The Final Judgment, Pet Division

A rottweiler, a chihuahua, and a cat all die and appear before the Judgment Seat of Heaven. God asks the rottweiler, "Why should you get into Heaven?"

The rottweiler says, "I protected my family for years, and died saving them from a crazed killer."

God says, "Well done, boy. Come si...

Two childhood friends, Thomas and Jeremy, won the first division lottery.

A week after having won millions of dollars, Thomas asked "Hey Jeremy, what do we do about the begging letters now we're millionaires?"

"Ah, we keep sending them out and seeing who responds."

I am bad at math, I often mix up multiplication and division.

Though I am great at biology, cause they’re the same damn thing!

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot during cell division?

Ouch, mitosis!

What division does a blacksmith boxer compete in?

Smelterweight.

Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

What is the Tactical Division of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called?

The Special Horses.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

Multiplication in biology means reproduction, which is microscopically accomplished by cell division.

What do you call a division that does the same things again for no reason?

The Department of Redundancy Department

New CEO, 3 envelopes

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new ...

Who won the first Tour De France?

The 2nd Panzer Division.

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

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A blond is starting in 2nd grade

On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: "Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the ot...

I heard that Ukrainian farmers...

... now have the 4th largest tank division in the world.

Second to None

When the Second Division set up shop in South Korea, it did so with its slogan proudly displayed at the front gate: "Second to None". A few months later, a South Korean base opened two miles down the road. The sign greeting visitors read "You are now entering the famed sector of the South Korean ROK...

I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework.

It improves division

So I was in a wrestling match in highschool

It was senior night, I was in the 185 lb weight class and our team desperately needed the points from my bout. The only problem was I up against killer Kenny D from Spartanburg. Dude was going Division 1 and was all state. I didn't think I had a chance against him and his signature pretzel move. Thi...

What is Wanda Maximoff's favorite subject?

Division.

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

Did you hear about the new Marvel hero? He’s a Mexican guy that can clone himself...

I think he’s called Juan Division.

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

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I make so many Nazi jokes

I was promoted to captain of the 1st Punzer Division.

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

When Jefferson Davis was in school, his teacher told him

"You're great at division"

What's Kim Jong Un's favorite step of mitosis?

Nuclear division.

I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.

In our house it's really causing division

I have the talent of doing math with any blade.

Mostly long division.

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

Homework.

A girl is doing her homework and her little brother walks in. She asks him for help with a question and he refuses. Angrily she says "Just tell me what the division of two cells is and I won't hurt you". He still won't tell her so she stamps on his foot. "Tell me!" she yells "ouch! mitosis!."

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You mu...

Why does the cell always fail at Math?

It performs division for multiplication.

Another “your mama joke”

So this morning I was switching off with the day shift supervisor (I’m the overnight supervisor for the mobile division of a security company) and he asked another of our coworkers “when did your car window get broken?” Before I knew the words had come out of my mouth I said “the same time as your m...

A young Private

A new Private arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told by the Armory Sergeant that resources are stretched thin and they have no rifles to give him, but they still expect him to go on patrol. He asks the Sergeant what he should do if he has to fight? The Sergeant ...

Where do most neutrons live?

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

The Union Cavalry were in dire need of recruits...

General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training.

Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern.

“Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” ...

What was the General's answer...

to the President's inquiry, as to what military division has been most under appreciated during his term?

"Tanks, Obama."

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A business man goes to Japan

A business man had an important meeting to attend in Japan.
He arrives relatively early the night before the meeting so he figures he will take the opportunity to hire a hooker for the evening.
He heads out, finds a girl and brings her back to his hotel.
While he is giving it to her, chan...

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