What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship

I'm sorry

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

What's the difference between a hippie and a hockey player

A hockey player takes a shower after 3 periods

Do you know why poker players can't have tattoos with words?

Because the others could read them like a book.

Elton John is an incredible piano player

But I heard he sucks on the organ.

What do you call an MTG player who's also a flat-earther?

A planeswalker.

Did you hear about the fat man who gave money to a piano player?

He really tipped the scales.

So a limbo player walks into a bar

And he instantly loses

I knew a guitar player who died...

He was going to a gig when he crashed his pickup into the bridge and broke his neck. It appeared his pedal had stopped working.

Liberace was a great piano player.

He sucked on the organ, though.

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

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What does a bisexual person and an ambidextrous baseball player have in common?

They swing both ways.

Why did the guitar player go to jail?

He fingered A-minor.

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common?

They both know how to lay down and fake it.

Hey guitar players, what's God's favourite chord?


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What is a fortnight players favorite kind of tea?


Did you hear about the golf player that got arrested for a DUI?

He should've picked a better driver.

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

Which NBA player has moves like a mouse?

S. Curry

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?

Soccer players pretend to be hurt

NFL players pretend to be innocent in court

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

Why did the snooker player visit the bathroom?

He wanted to pot the brown.

Do you know why golf players always wear 2 pants?

In case that they get a hole in one

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

A game you shouldn’t play single player?

Russian Roulette

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Why dont Minecraft players have sex?

Its illegal to fuck a miner

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How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bi-sexual?

Cuz he swings both ways.

Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

Dunkin' Donuts

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Seven: One to do it, and six others saying "psh, I can do that better."

"The players are all idiots!" says my baby sister watching basketball.

"Why do they keep trying to throw the ball?" she asks.

"The basket has a **hole** in it!"

A star bingo player goes to the doctor

At one of his bingo tournaments, someone pointed out a dark spot on his neck. The bingo player was worried about this new mole growing on his body, thinking that it could be cancerous.

Bingo player: What do you think of the mole? Should i be worried?

Doctor: B9

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

Communism is like a smart but unskilled piano player.

Good in theory but bad in practice.

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What did the basketball player get when he went to Russia looking for free prostitutes?

Nothing but nyet.

What does a cannibalistic football player say to his teammates before a high five?

“Give me some skin!”

What did the NTSC player say to his European friend?

Hello pal!

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player?

For his stamina - mina - eh! eh!

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?


When a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, he's a "player," but when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys...

...somehow, I'm not one of them.

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings

Who is Donald Trump’s favorite NBA player?

John Wall

Basketball players don't like to leave their home town

We hate travelling so much.

I don’t know why people wear players’ jerseys at games.

Who do they think they’re fooling?

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand a...

Did you hear about the D&D player who attacked Siskel and Ebert?

It was a critical hit

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

The best Theremin player in the world

Doesn’t even have to touch his instrument.

Do you know how PC gamers always can beat console players if they play against each other?

They press the Win-key.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

What do Baseball Players and spectators have in common?

They both just wanna get home.

What do you call a girl on the arm of a banio player?

A tattoo.

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When did coach Hitler bench a player?

After the third st-reich.

What do you get when you cross a talented basketball player, and an untrustworthy royal vizier?

Kareem Abdul-Jafar; although these days I hear he's a magical genie who dabbles in writing Sherlock Holmes novels.

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer?

The horses name was friday

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

How many teeth does a hockey player have?

Don’t you mean tooth?

What do professional golf players do for fun?

Do not play golf.

What’s the difference between a baseball player and an orphan?

An orphan doesn’t have a home to run to.

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What do you call a Fortnite player in a car?

Virgin Mobile

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

What do you call it when a football player gets so many concussions it starts to degrade their cognition?


What's a basketball player's favourite kind of cheese?


Why can’t basketball players have kids?

Because they always dribble before they shoot

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A groupie was about to hook up with an NBA player, but she looked at his penis and screamed.

"Why does the tattoo on your dick say AIDS???"

"Give it a second," he said. "I'm sponsored by ADIDAS."

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What did the cheap baseball player say when he found out how expensive first class plane tickets are?

Put me in coach!

Never buy Drugs from a volleyball player

They bump the price up
Set the location
And spike there product

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

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I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?

The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

Why are frogs good baseball players?

Because they're good at catching flies!

Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?

They do it for the Experience.

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

A Vegan, a Crossfitter and a Fortnite player walked into a bar

I only know because they told everyone twice within 5 minutes.

What’s the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathisers.

What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player?

A quarter back

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I asked my mum why do tennis players always sound like they are having an orgasm...

... and why does she play tennis in the bathroom

This one's for the D&D players. A human, an elf and a dragonborn walk into a bar.

The gnome and halfling walk underneath perfectly fine.

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What do masturbating and being a bad trumpet player have in common?

Blow your horn in private, no one wants to see you rehearsing in a public park.

Young cowboy

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and...

People ask me how it's like to be a professional yoyo player

I tell them it has its ups and downs

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

Basketball players are the most upstanding members of society

They really are people to look up to.

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