UPJOKE
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Never date a tennis player..

Love means nothing to them.

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

Whilst in the pub my friend asked me to name just 3 Qatar players?

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix

Some Swedish tennis players come into this world born human, some born machine ...

and some bjorn borg.

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A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his testicles in the drink.

Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini ?!!"

The piano player replies "...

Why did the chess player download tinder in Prague?

He was looking for a Czech mate.

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

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Solo player joins golf threesome

An older solo golfer joins a threesome with three other local businessmen. They hit it off immediately and are all playing the best golf of their lives. The solo golfer is cracking jokes and the other businessmen are having a great time smoking cigars and drinking beers. They finish up the front nin...

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

We should all be afraid of fiddle players

Everyday they wake up, and chose violins

King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.

He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.

Why do fps players never use the m1 garand?

They get alot of ping because of it

What’s the difference a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player showers after three periods

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

Why do trading card game players never have any children?

Because they always put a sleeve on it.

How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?

One, and he gets 3 credits.

Why are all cribbage players bottoms

Because they love pegging

A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five; one to actually change the lightbulb and four to stand around watching saying "I could do it better than him."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After he is served the beer he asks the guy next to him to watch his drink while he uses the bathroom.
He does his business, and when he returns the guy watching the drink says “I wouldn’t drink that if I were you.”

“Why not?” He asks.

“That monkey over there, came over and peed i...

What's the difference between Reddit's video player and the US Congress?

The US Congress occasionally works

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a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

Since Meta's Metaverse isn't doing all that well, perhaps a rebranding is in order...

Ready Player Wish

What happens when an NFL player is denied a chiropractor?

Crackback block

i was in a 3 person band called "Three-play"

It was named "Four-play", but we had to get rid of the keyboard player. He kept messing up the intro by trying to enter too early.

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

Where do trumpet players hang out after work?

Hornpub

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So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

"Have the double reed players arrived?" the conductor asked...

The flautist responded, "Not yet... Bas-soon."

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

What's a chess player's favorite country?

Czech Republic

Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door

and I just kept playing

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

What does an Australian chess player say when they go to a restaurant?

Check, mate

I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone

At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5

What do you call a Greek basketball player?

A hooplite

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A man and his dog walk into a bar

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry guys, you'll have to leave. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But mine talks."

The bartender says "Bullshit"

The man says "I'll bet you $10,000 he can talk."

The bartender says "Fine, prove it then. But if he...

How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates?

Sending thots and players.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

So this guy is watching the piano player at the bar

Suddenly the piano opens and a clown climbs out. The guy is amazed, but the piano player just plays on as if nothing happened. The guy rubs his eyes and decides to slow down a bit, and orders a glass of water. But ten minutes later another clown climbs out, and then one more, and the piano player...

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

Chess players say checkers players are dumb. But I like checkers...

Plus the red ones taste good.


Credit: Norm MacDonald (RIP)

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

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Half a head of cabbage

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking i...

What’s a fighting game player’s favorite snack?

Combos

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

Who is Homer Simpson's favorite soccer player?

Ronal-D'oh!

What do you call a tennis player who doesn’t get vaccinated?

No-vac Djokovic

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

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I like my sex life like how I like my video games

Single player

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

What do you call a Lions player with a Super Bowl ring?

A Thief

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When do hockey players like to have sex?

Between periods.

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

What do you say to a bass player with a beautiful women on his arm?

Nice tattoo!

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel Vision

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Ever Date a Tennis Player?

Remember Love means nothing to them.

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player?

Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!

Two old ladies go to a baseball game with a jug of whiskey. Name the inning and number of players on the bases.

Bottom of the fifth, bags are loaded.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

A Mexican man was visiting America

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in th...

Never marry a tennis player...

...because love means nothing to them.

---

Good luck to everyone at the US Open!

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

A man went into a bar with his 180 pound Irish Wolfhound.

“Hey!” said the bartender. “You ca’t bring that animal in here!”

“Wait a minute,” said the guy. “This isn’t just a dog. He can talk!”

“Sure,” sneered the bartender. “I bet you 500 bucks he can’t!”

“Okay, you’re on!” said the man as he turned to his dog and said, “Here boy! Now t...

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

cheating wife

A man asks his wife, how many times have you cheated on me?

His wife answered: 3 times.

husband: What? When was the the first time?

\_Do you remember when you were a football player, but nobody hired you, but then someone did?

husband: When was the the second time?
...

Why are soccer players so driven?

They have goals.

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Went with a friend to a bar, and met some football players.

Afterwards, my friend said she wanted to ask one of the players out.

I didn’t understand why as he seemed like a bit of jerk, but apparently all the other guys said he was a keeper.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

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My go to joke- Guy sees “piano player wanted” sign window..

So he goes in, says he wants the job. Manager says, “alright, but 1st I gotta see if you’re qualified” So he plays a song and it drops the managers jaw “wow! That was amazing, was that Beethoven??” “No” the man replies “that’s an original. I call it ‘your tits are so big, my eyes are poppin outta my...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

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