Player Jokes - 89 Hilarious Player Jokes

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Why are chess players good in bed?

They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship

I'm sorry

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

What do you call the best Runescape player in the world?

The 'Scape GOAT

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

My dad said that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be put in a record player.

It’s his vinyl request

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

Why did the tiny soccer player take a shower?

He was a little Messi.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

Why would an octopus make a good football player?

Because it would have ten tackles

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

Why do basketball players struggle to get women pregnant?

Because they dribble so much before they shoot.

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

What did the children of the Polka Band's Tuba Player call him?

Their Oom Papa

Why could I never date a baseball player?

Cuz they’re out of my league!

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

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Piano player nsfw

So a bar owner has a piano in the corner that never gets played. He puts an ad in the paper to see if he can get a piano player to liven the place up.

The day of the auditions arrives and everyone is horrible. He's about to give up when a young man walks in and asks if he could audition. The ...

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

What does a violin player use as birth control?

Their personality

What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices?

Wayne Regretsky

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping

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Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.

When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What ...

A Bad Limbo Player Walks Into a Bar.

Thats it.

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

Why did the poker player get beat up off his uncle?

Because he upped his ante

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?

Mating patterns

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Why did the chess player download tinder in Prague?

He was looking for a Czech mate.

Why do chess players search for love in Central Europe?

They prefer Czech mates

Which NFL players swear the most?

The offensive linemen

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him.

“Hey what’s all that in your pocket?”

He says “It’s tennis balls”

“Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

Whilst in the pub my friend asked me to name just 3 Qatar players?

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

Why can’t snooker players become actors?

They’ll miss their cue.

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

Ever Date a Tennis Player?

Remember Love means nothing to them.

Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he is a player...

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys i'm not one of them?

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What do you call a bar where the saxophonist, trumpet player, and flute player all have sex with each other on stage?

HornPub

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A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his testicles in the drink.

Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini ?!!"

The piano player replies "...

What do you call a Greek basketball player?

A hooplite

When complementing viola players, please please please for the love of god do NOT call it a violin!

That's a violation.

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel Vision

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Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player?

A tattoo.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Why are all cribbage players bottoms

Because they love pegging

A football player asked his wife if she ever cheated on him

This is translated from Arabic, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny as in Arabic but I’ll try my best *fingers crossed*

A football player once asked his wife if she ever cheated on him, she answered with “yes, three times.” He then asked “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do y...

We should all be afraid of fiddle players

Everyday they wake up, and chose violins

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

Where do trumpet players hang out after work?

Hornpub

King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.

He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.

What’s a fighting game player’s favorite snack?

Combos

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

What is a common phrase that both poker players and cannibals say?

Just finish the hand!

I Want to Become a Famous Chess Player.

But I've got too much of a checkered past to do it.

Dating a French Horn player

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tub...

I’m not a player, I’m a gamer. Players get chicks.

I get bullied at school.

What's the difference between a banjo player terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

Bonus joke:

What's the difference between a banjo and an AK-47?

>!The AK only repeats thirty times.!<

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

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Don’t shoot the piano player

A guy is looking for a job and sees a bar advertising for a piano player.

He goes in and says, “I play, and I’d like the job.”
The bar owner says, “Well, play me something so I can see what you’ve got.”

The guy sits down and plays beautifully. The owner is moved. “What do you call...

How do you get a bass player off of your porch?

You pay for your pizza.

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