I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

I refuse to listen to music on new types of music players.

I guess I just have an 8-track mind.

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever

Nothing but net

Why was Cinderella a lousy basketball player?

She had a pumpkin for a coach.

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

Never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

With the US Open going on...how do tennis players discipline their kids?

Mostly with their forehand, sometimes their backhand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

I think Hong Kong is the next big player in the fashion world.

Mask were very in during the protests last year. Now everyone's wearing one.

What is the difference between a politician and a poker player?

None. They are both lying with a poker face on.

I dated a football player once

It was good, but we fought over money sometimes. Finally I had enough of it though and told him not to come running back here with his tight end.

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

What's the difference between a squashed frog on the side of the road and a banjo player?

There is a slim possibility that the frog was on its way to a gig.

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?

They dribble all the time.

There was a rumour that Barcelona wanted to get free of their best player

Reporters say he was being too Messi

A football player asked his wife if she ever cheated on him

This is translated from Arabic, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny as in Arabic but I’ll try my best *fingers crossed*

A football player once asked his wife if she ever cheated on him, she answered with “yes, three times.” He then asked “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do y...

Why do volleyball players make good soldiers?

Because they know how to serve and kill.

A viola player goes into a music shop

The shop assistant asks what he would like and the viola player says "Well, I've been playing the viola for years and I'm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don't know the first thing about music, so I'm thinking about taking up another instrument".

"Do y...

A bass player dies and goes to hell

when he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and Im on drums”

the bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“we...

Barcelona players not gonna eat anything till morning

Because they 8-2 much

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the tennis tournament that forced its players to masturbate to determine who gets the ball?

First cum, first serve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A pent-up piano player in a restaurant goes off and masturbates...

His boss finds him in the stall and screams at him, “Get the hell back out there, you got a job to do!”

So he rushes back out, and someone comes up to him and says “Do you know you have cum in your hair and your dick is hanging out?”

And he says, “No, but if you hum a few bars I’m sure...

What's a basketball player's favorite doughnut shop?

Dunkin' Donuts!

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

What does prostate cancer patient have in common with a basketball player?

They both dribble

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a spectator.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

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A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, peo...

So a dart player came up to me and said "Why did u put super glue on my dart? '...

I said "You can't just let it go can you"

How do you get a bass player off your porch?

Pay for the pizza

(NSFL) What's the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods.

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

Basketball players are afraid of themselves.

They don't like great heights

I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice...

...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is something that minecraft players and men can say?

Fuck, my pick broke, I can’t go any deeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a chess player and a pornstar have in common?

Thinking long and hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

There once was a double bass player who always had problems with timing. Over time it got him so desperate and frustrated that he...

...threw himself behind a train

Why did the console player cross the road?

*Loading...*

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

A board game wherein players have to figure out who gave them an STD.

New from Johnson & Johnson: Clue-midia.

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

For the 2020 NFL season, the players will no longer be allowed to keep chickens as pets.

It will be considered a personal fowl.

What do you call a Russian snooker player?

Innoff the red.

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

I'm starting a new business where I host parties for football players

Just trying to make ends meet

What did they call the Minecraft player who built a clock in-game to chime at 4:20?

A Redstoner.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

”I don’t like Canada...

...it’s a land full to the brim with nothing but hockey players and hookers.”

”Hey, watch your mouth! I’ll have you know my wife’s Canadian.”

”Oh really? What team does she play for?”

Which rockstar is the best chess player?

Bob Seger, because he’s always working on them knight moves.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

Why are Nintendo players afraid of the fence?

Because it prevents animal crossing.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

A basketball player, a Mexican, and a terrorist are all on a plane. Long

The plane is going super slow so they all got rid of some weight. The basketball player said, "I have a ton of basketballs, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The Mexican said, "I have a ton of tacos, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The terrorist said, "I h...

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An unemployed piano player walks into a bar

He speaks to the owner who says, you're in luck, we're looking for a piano player right now! How about you play a couple of songs for me.

Happy to! I write all my own stuff!

The piano player sits down and plays the first tune.

Owner: that was fantastic! What do you call that one...

If a professional piano player is a pianist..

..then a professional race player is a racist?

*rap musicians scurrying about*

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

What do they call Player Unknown Battlegrounds in France?

Fortnite battle royale, with cheese

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

Dating a female tennis player is always a good idea.

They've got good aces.

A professional limbo player walks into a bar,

He was disqualified

A guy goes into a bar with a dog, the bartender says what are you doing here? The guy says, "I've got a talking dog here"

to which the bartender says "I'll tell you what, I'll bet you $10,000 that dog can't talk. But if he can't talk I'm going to throw the two of you through that plate glass window."

The man says "aright" and he sits the dog on the bar and says "Fido, what's on top of a house?" The dog says "r...

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe?

He was ruthless

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - Sammy the journeyman NFL player

Sammy was your less than average NFL player. He always managed to land on a roster, but in 13 years had never felt the glory of playing on Sunday. Every game he'd put on his gear, smear his cheeks with eye-black, don his helmet and rush onto the field with his teammates. But play after play, game...

Arabic (Yemeni) joke. Don’t mind the translation if it’s not accurate

A Yemeni man traveled to Nigeria for work. On the first day he saw a funeral. The men were carrying the body on their heads. On the second day he saw a second funeral. This time they were carrying the body by their fingers, so he asked them why they do this.

They told him we carry the dead a...

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Store boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
<...

Why do basketball players love cookies?

Because they can dunk them!

So two orchestral conductors were walking down the road...

One turns to the other and says: "Was that your piccolo player I saw you rehearsing with last night?"

The other conductor replies: "That was no piccolo! That was my fife!"

*I'll see myself out. Ow! Stop throwing things.*

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

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Back in 2009, I got my dick stuck in a DVD player playing a Disney Pixar movie.

Turns out I really fucked up.

2 football players are in a bar

One walks up to the other and says hey, wanna shot?
The other says: Il pass

What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house

I can't stand bass players

They're always starting everything.

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

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A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

Why can't football players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was a virgin, and asked his friend Jim for advice prior to his first sexual experience.

Jack had been dating Jill for a few weeks. A few days ago, she proposed that he spend the night at her house, and Jack was a bit nervous as he was a virgin. He sought to his friend Jim, who was quite a player, for some advice.

Since most of what Jim tried explaining to Jack went over his hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What do you call a Call of Duty player's instant rap single?

A Flash-Banger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player?

**Me:** once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.

**Interviewer:** and you?

**Me:** distracted her husband with an interview

Rudy Gobert should win NBA’s defensive player of the year

He just single-handedly shut down the whole league.

A lawyer calls a dog as a witness

The Judge says “get that dog out it cannot be a witness”

The Lawyer says “Don’t worry this dog can talk I will prove it.”

The dog is sworn on to the podium and the Lawyer begins his cross examination. First he asks the dog “Good morning sir, how was the road on your way here?” The do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

Ever hear of that NBA player named Druff? Think his first name is Dan...

They say he’s Head & Shoulders above the competition!

One of the houston astros players almost got Coronavirus

He saw the signs coming before

why are basketball players who suck at dribbling a high risk for covid 19?

because they've traveled recently

During a fire, a women was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.

Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the...

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