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Player Jokes

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

What do you call the best Runescape player in the world?

The 'Scape GOAT

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

Why did the rugby player stand just off the pitch wearing a dress?

...because he was in touch with his feminine side!

What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?

Mating patterns

Why could I never date a baseball player?

Cuz they’re out of my league!

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

Never date a tennis player..

Love means nothing to them.

How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

Whilst in the pub my friend asked me to name just 3 Qatar players?

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix

Which NFL players swear the most?

The offensive linemen

Why can’t snooker players become actors?

They’ll miss their cue.

What is a common phrase that both poker players and cannibals say?

Just finish the hand!

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Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

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A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his testicles in the drink.

Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini ?!!"

The piano player replies "...

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

Explain

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to ...

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

Why did the chess player download tinder in Prague?

He was looking for a Czech mate.

Some Swedish tennis players come into this world born human, some born machine ...

and some bjorn borg.

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

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Solo player joins golf threesome

An older solo golfer joins a threesome with three other local businessmen. They hit it off immediately and are all playing the best golf of their lives. The solo golfer is cracking jokes and the other businessmen are having a great time smoking cigars and drinking beers. They finish up the front nin...

Cops And Robbers has added a third player to the mix

Now, the game is called Cops, Robbers, and Witnesses With Phones.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

Never date a tennis player

She’ll drop a deuce when you least expect it.

My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

We should all be afraid of fiddle players

Everyday they wake up, and chose violins

A limbo player walked into a bar last night

Gotcha

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.

He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

Why do fps players never use the m1 garand?

They get alot of ping because of it

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

"So how many have you been with?" asked my blind date.

"Not to brag" I replied " So far,its 11 this year"

"Wow, you must be a player"

"No,I'm the coach"

Why are all cribbage players bottoms

Because they love pegging

Why do trading card game players never have any children?

Because they always put a sleeve on it.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five; one to actually change the lightbulb and four to stand around watching saying "I could do it better than him."

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?

Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.

Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?

Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?

What's the difference between Reddit's video player and the US Congress?

The US Congress occasionally works

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

A Man Walks Into a Bar with His Little Dog...

He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "25 bucks says this dog can talk!"

Bartender says, "I'll take that bet. Make it quick."

Man looks at the dog and points upward. "What's the name of this thing over our head keeps the rain out?"

Dog barks, ...

Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door

and I just kept playing

Who is the most non-acidic Baseball player ever?

Al-Kaline

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

What happens when an NFL player is denied a chiropractor?

Crackback block

Where do trumpet players hang out after work?

Hornpub

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

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So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

What does an Australian chess player say when they go to a restaurant?

Check, mate

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

What's a chess player's favorite country?

Czech Republic

What do you call a Greek basketball player?

A hooplite

"Have the double reed players arrived?" the conductor asked...

The flautist responded, "Not yet... Bas-soon."

I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone

At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

What do you say to a bass player with a beautiful women on his arm?

Nice tattoo!

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

So this guy is watching the piano player at the bar

Suddenly the piano opens and a clown climbs out. The guy is amazed, but the piano player just plays on as if nothing happened. The guy rubs his eyes and decides to slow down a bit, and orders a glass of water. But ten minutes later another clown climbs out, and then one more, and the piano player...

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a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Since Meta's Metaverse isn't doing all that well, perhaps a rebranding is in order...

Ready Player Wish

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After he is served the beer he asks the guy next to him to watch his drink while he uses the bathroom.
He does his business, and when he returns the guy watching the drink says “I wouldn’t drink that if I were you.”

“Why not?” He asks.

“That monkey over there, came over and peed i...

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

What’s a fighting game player’s favorite snack?

Combos

What do you call a Lions player with a Super Bowl ring?

A Thief

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

What do you call a tennis player who doesn’t get vaccinated?

No-vac Djokovic

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When do hockey players like to have sex?

Between periods.

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

Who is Homer Simpson's favorite soccer player?

Ronal-D'oh!

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

Ever Date a Tennis Player?

Remember Love means nothing to them.

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

i was in a 3 person band called "Three-play"

It was named "Four-play", but we had to get rid of the keyboard player. He kept messing up the intro by trying to enter too early.

Never marry a tennis player...

...because love means nothing to them.

---

Good luck to everyone at the US Open!

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates?

Sending thots and players.

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player?

Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!

What's the difference between a baseball player and a crack ho?

One gets base on balls, the other gets balled on base

If a tennis player can get tennis elbow

Does that mean a gynecologist can get tunnel vision?

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

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A man and his dog walk into a bar

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry guys, you'll have to leave. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But mine talks."

The bartender says "Bullshit"

The man says "I'll bet you $10,000 he can talk."

The bartender says "Fine, prove it then. But if he...

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

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I like my sex life like how I like my video games

Single player

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

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