The 102+ Best Player Jokes

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are chess players good in bed?

They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship

I'm sorry

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

What do you call the best Runescape player in the world?

The 'Scape GOAT

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Never ever marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

Why do basketball players struggle to get women pregnant?

Because they dribble so much before they shoot.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices?

Wayne Regretsky

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

When complementing viola players, please please please for the love of god do NOT call it a violin!

That's a violation.

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him.

“Hey what’s all that in your pocket?”

He says “It’s tennis balls”

“Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

Why could I never date a baseball player?

Cuz they’re out of my league!

Why did the poker player get beat up off his uncle?

Because he upped his ante

Whilst in the pub my friend asked me to name just 3 Qatar players?

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix

Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he is a player...

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys i'm not one of them?

What does a violin player use as birth control?

Their personality

My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

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A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his testicles in the drink.

Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini ?!!"

The piano player replies "...

What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping

What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?

Mating patterns

Why do chess players search for love in Central Europe?

They prefer Czech mates

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

A Bad Limbo Player Walks Into a Bar.

Thats it.

Why did the chess player download tinder in Prague?

He was looking for a Czech mate.

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament but it's really difficult... Good players are hard to find."

but it's really difficult... Good players are hard to find

Cops And Robbers has added a third player to the mix

Now, the game is called Cops, Robbers, and Witnesses With Phones.

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

Never date a tennis player

She’ll drop a deuce when you least expect it.

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player?

A tattoo.

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.

He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.

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Piano player nsfw

So a bar owner has a piano in the corner that never gets played. He puts an ad in the paper to see if he can get a piano player to liven the place up.

The day of the auditions arrives and everyone is horrible. He's about to give up when a young man walks in and asks if he could audition. The ...

A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

Why can’t snooker players become actors?

They’ll miss their cue.

A football player asked his wife if she ever cheated on him

This is translated from Arabic, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny as in Arabic but I’ll try my best *fingers crossed*

A football player once asked his wife if she ever cheated on him, she answered with “yes, three times.” He then asked “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do y...

What is a common phrase that both poker players and cannibals say?

Just finish the hand!

Which NFL players swear the most?

The offensive linemen

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

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Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Some Swedish tennis players come into this world born human, some born machine ...

and some bjorn borg.

What does an Australian chess player say when they go to a restaurant?

Check, mate

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So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

What do you call a Greek basketball player?

A hooplite

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I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

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Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.

When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What ...

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone

At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5

We should all be afraid of fiddle players

Everyday they wake up, and chose violins

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

Why do fps players never use the m1 garand?

They get alot of ping because of it

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

What do you call a tennis player who doesn’t get vaccinated?

No-vac Djokovic

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

So this guy is watching the piano player at the bar

Suddenly the piano opens and a clown climbs out. The guy is amazed, but the piano player just plays on as if nothing happened. The guy rubs his eyes and decides to slow down a bit, and orders a glass of water. But ten minutes later another clown climbs out, and then one more, and the piano player...

What’s a fighting game player’s favorite snack?

Combos

Who is Homer Simpson's favorite soccer player?

Ronal-D'oh!

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

Ever Date a Tennis Player?

Remember Love means nothing to them.

What do you call a Lions player with a Super Bowl ring?

A Thief

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What do you call a bar where the saxophonist, trumpet player, and flute player all have sex with each other on stage?

HornPub

Why are all cribbage players bottoms

Because they love pegging

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,

"You've broken your finger"

Where do trumpet players hang out after work?

Hornpub

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five; one to actually change the lightbulb and four to stand around watching saying "I could do it better than him."

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

How do you get a bass player off of your porch?

You pay for your pizza.

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