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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

If you're going to take offense...

would it be chain link or picket ?

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

I take strong offense with anyone saying the Republican Party has no standards now.

In fact, they have double standards.

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

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Damn Ham

A preacher was invited to a dinner by a nice family. When the preacher arrived the mother realized they did not have a ham for the dinner. She then asked the preacher if he could go to the store to grab a ham. Preacher agrees and heads to the grocery store. The preacher asked a stocker if they had a...

I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

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A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be...

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A man walks into a bar... (No offense jewish people)

and sees another man sitting down having a drink that looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man goes and sits down at the bar next to the fellow that looks like Hitler and asks, "Are you Hitler?"
The man replies, "Yes! I am Adolf Hitler! I am the man that killed six million jews and one canadian."...

No offense against anyone....

But at least my defense is top tier.

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A skinhead is arrested for drug offenses and goes to prison

At first he's worried, as he's used to having lots of followers backing him up and isn't sure how he'll deal with the other inmates. He decides the best way to get ahead is to find prisoners of a similar mindset and join then.

He sees some skinny white dudes coming in from a back area. Figuri...

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