UPJOKE
traincarriagemanagertutorbustraineromnibusautobuspassenger carinstructorteacherstagecoachinstructcarhandler

Coach Jokes

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.

Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.

He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."

That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my ...

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine?

He wanted his quarter back.

A struggling salmon swims into a life-coach office and says he's trying to make a spreadsheet of everything he needs to do to get his life back on-track. "Where should I begin?", he asks.

Life-coach: "Populate the roes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once travelled the Trans-Sahara Highway in an old funeral coach with all of the badges removed.

I suppose you could say I've been through the desert in a hearse with no name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

A year ago, the Jacksonville Jaguars thought that they found the best coach for their team.

Turns out that was an Urban myth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My coach told me to make it to third base

He was pissed, but his daughter loved it.

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

Snoop Dogg goes to a vocal coach

The coach asks him "Can you sing very high?"

Snoop says "I can't sing if I'm not."

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?"

Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've hired a life coach to get help with the ladies

His first rule of advice: "*project the qualities you desire so that you may attract the right type of woman*."

which is great advice but, my goodness have I >!had to suck a lot of cock lately!<

After an embarrassing loss, the coach announced to the players:

“When I told you to play like you have never played before, i did not mean that you should play like you have never *played* before!”

An Instagram influencer, life coach, MLM hun entered a Starbucks and ordered a venti fatfree sugarfree oatmilk vanilla latte extra hot with two extra shots

She was about to give her name. The Barista waved her off and said "I got this Karen!"

My dating coach told me I should suck in my cheeks to look more attractive.

It didn’t work and ended up giving me a wedgie.

What did the gym coach say to the cat?

Have you paid your annual fleas?

A joke from my baseball coach...

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. 
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day. One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heave...

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

After completing my first three months doing MMA I asked my coach for a nickname that reflected my skills and badassery...

Now everybody calls me John Weak.

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

What does a cannibal life coach value in their clients?

*Consistency.*

Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"

So I drowned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church

There was mass confusion.

I saw my old karate coach in his car yesterday

He drove a KIIIIAAA.

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wrestler meets with his coach

A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, ...

Since seeing a relationship coach, I'm finally happy in my marriage

She's amazing in bed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shot putter says to her coach "We need to talk about these 'supplements' you've been giving me"

He says "Anything the matter with them?" and she says "Well, to be honest, I do have a couple of concerns." She has a quick look around and pulls up the front of her shirt, revealing a thick mass of hair covering her chest and down as far as her waistband.

The coach blinks and says "And how f...

Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

An athiest, a vegan, and a CrossFit coach walked into a bar

I know because they told me.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game.

I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.

A coach full of musicians has broken down on the motorway

Police have said to expect some lengthy jams

An overweight guy goes to a fitness club

An overweight guy decides to go to a fitness club to sign up to lose weight. After signing up, the fitness coach asks him to go home and be ready early in the morning.

The next morning, his doorbell rings. He opens the door and standing there is a super hot girl. She tells him,” If you can ca...

The kansas city chiefs coach is getting a superbowl ring.

It'll probably be of the onion variety.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When did coach Hitler bench a player?

After the third st-reich.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into t...

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” th...

I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

A woman, her baby and a man are sitting in a train coach

The woman is trying to breast feed her baby, but the baby keeps turning away.

Woman: Come on, drink the milk. Drink the milk or I will give it to this man instead.

The man casts her a surprised glance but stays quiet.

Woman: Take the breast. Come on, you don't want for this nice...

My French Coach taught me all I needed to know about losing...

Remember you can’t spell “we” without ‘i’

Now run.

The Voice Coach

Voice Coach: "Let's start with a scale."

Student: "Do, re, muuuhh, fa, so, la, ti, doooh!"

Voice Coach: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't take that tone with mi!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

Why did the diet coach send her . .

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.

What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?

"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"

A wife comes home with a new Coach bag...

Her husband asks, "Where did you get that?"

"I won it in a raffle." she replies.

The next day she comes home with a new diamond bracelet. He asks her again, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

"I won it in a raffle." she says again. Later that evening, she asks her husband to run...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants?

Hey man urine

A blonde volleyball coach

A blonde volleyball coach recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. The coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.

“Okay,” asks t...

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach?

Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.

Why a centipede cannot fly coach?

Not enough leg room!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A swimming coach was holding trials for his new team.

When a man with no arms walks in and demands a trial.

The Coach looked a little skeptical, but not wanting to discriminate, he agreed.

The no-armed man dived into the pool and began to kick his legs furiously, motoring down the length of the pool at a tremendous rate, and records the q...

Horton must be a first base coach...

Since he hears a who.

I don't think my 3rd base coach likes me.

He keeps telling me to go home.

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

The coach discovers he is going to die in a week

He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.

I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team

Because I hate dealing with parents.

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas...

... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says "Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"

She puts down her magazine, looks at h...

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.