UPJOKE
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what did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

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Is it true that those who can’t do, teach?

I’m thinking of becoming a sex coach, and it seems like a good fit if it’s true.

A struggling salmon swims into a life-coach office and says he's trying to make a spreadsheet of everything he needs to do to get his life back on-track. "Where should I begin?", he asks.

Life-coach: "Populate the roes."

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My conditioning coach offered to give me oral sex.

I think she used to be a personal drainer.

A college football coach…

A COLLEGE-FOOTBALL COACH was
faced with the possibility that his star
player might be declared academically
ineligible, so he pleaded with the math
professor not to Aunk the kid.

"Tell you what, coach,”
said the professor, "I'll ask him a question in your presence. If he gets i...

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?"

Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

A snail decides he wants to be a racer...

So he employs a pit crew, a coach, and a designer. The designer paints a big 'S' on the side of his vehicle which the snail highly approves of.

He tries out at a local track, and starts overtaking all the other amateurs much faster than anyone else.

The coach stares and says 'Look at...

Coach after a lost match: I told you to play like never before...

Not like you never played before!

Football

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach. “I'm impressed. Can you run?” “ Of course I can run,” said th...

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

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A soldier was transferred to a fort far out west ...

After a grueling train journey from Kentucky, the soldier finally arrived in a small, dusty town in the middle of nowhere. He was met by a stage coach that had been procured to bring him to his new post at the fort 10 miles out of town. When he finally arrived, the sergeant greeted him and started g...

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you in...

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I've hired a life coach to get help with the ladies

His first rule of advice: "*project the qualities you desire so that you may attract the right type of woman*."

which is great advice but, my goodness have I >!had to suck a lot of cock lately!<

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

Why isn't Cinderella good at sports?

She runs away from the ball. Plus, her coach is a vegetable.

What does a cannibal life coach value in their clients?

*Consistency.*

A year ago, the Jacksonville Jaguars thought that they found the best coach for their team.

Turns out that was an Urban myth.

cheating wife

A man asks his wife, how many times have you cheated on me?

His wife answered: 3 times.

husband: What? When was the the first time?

\_Do you remember when you were a football player, but nobody hired you, but then someone did?

husband: When was the the second time?
...

Joke from 1980s sitcom Cheers

Diane: (to coach) can you name a car that starts with P?

Coach: Uh, Pontiac, Porsche ...

Diane: No, Coach, those cars start with gas.

My dating coach told me I should suck in my cheeks to look more attractive.

It didn’t work and ended up giving me a wedgie.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

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A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church

There was mass confusion.

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My coach told me to make it to third base

He was pissed, but his daughter loved it.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

My coach told me to bring out the tiger in me during our football game.

I didn't want to waste any of my favorite frosted flakes cereal.

Snoop Dogg goes to a vocal coach

The coach asks him "Can you sing very high?"

Snoop says "I can't sing if I'm not."

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

An athiest, a vegan, and a CrossFit coach walked into a bar

I know because they told me.

If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

Smarter

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department. "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "...

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A wrestler meets with his coach

A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, ...

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"

So I drowned.

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

I saw my old karate coach in his car yesterday

He drove a KIIIIAAA.

Since seeing a relationship coach, I'm finally happy in my marriage

She's amazing in bed

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

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My son recently started playing football

But I have been caught up with work to make it to his games.
So i ask him “son what position do you play” he says dad i play “back”

So i figured he was talking about running back or full back because he has always been fast.

Then he says “dad i play ass back, every time i ask coa...

Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

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A shot putter says to her coach "We need to talk about these 'supplements' you've been giving me"

He says "Anything the matter with them?" and she says "Well, to be honest, I do have a couple of concerns." She has a quick look around and pulls up the front of her shirt, revealing a thick mass of hair covering her chest and down as far as her waistband.

The coach blinks and says "And how f...

I helped my daughter build an impervious armor inspired by her junior high coach.

He is the perviest.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice.

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice. He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged.

The attendant explained train didn't have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.

The guy was ad...

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Breaking News:

In a shock move,The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't no fuck all about Cricket, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out."

A joke from my baseball coach...

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. 
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day. One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heave...

Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates

And St. Peter says, "We're pretty full, so we're making people pass additional tests. I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he's only letting in people who have a connection to Jets." All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim step...

Why did the coach take Paul Pierce out of the game?

He was in bowel trouble.

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude….

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and...

I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

My French Coach taught me all I needed to know about losing...

Remember you can’t spell “we” without ‘i’

Now run.

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into t...

The Voice Coach

Voice Coach: "Let's start with a scale."

Student: "Do, re, muuuhh, fa, so, la, ti, doooh!"

Voice Coach: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't take that tone with mi!"

My wife is divorcing me because I’m obsessed with Football coaching.

In my defence, I have J.J.Watt, Michael Bennett, and Richard Sherman.

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?

"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"

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I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

A wife comes home with a new Coach bag...

Her husband asks, "Where did you get that?"

"I won it in a raffle." she replies.

The next day she comes home with a new diamond bracelet. He asks her again, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

"I won it in a raffle." she says again. Later that evening, she asks her husband to run...

Alabama beat Florida State, their coach quit. Alabama beat Texas A&M, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Arkansas, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Tennessee, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Mississippi State, their coach quit.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon said they wanted Bama. They lost.

You don't want Bama.

My baseball coach told me to steal first base..

So I grabbed it and ran as fast as I could!

What does the Jewish track coach do to the female runner?

He Kosher.

My friend told me that he just became head coach for a high school basketball team...

I asked him if he was really THAT good. He said, probably or they wouldn't have asked him, as I was unzipping my pants.

took him a minute..


he was not all that good.

A woman, her baby and a man are sitting in a train coach

The woman is trying to breast feed her baby, but the baby keeps turning away.

Woman: Come on, drink the milk. Drink the milk or I will give it to this man instead.

The man casts her a surprised glance but stays quiet.

Woman: Take the breast. Come on, you don't want for this nice...

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A swimming coach was holding trials for his new team.

When a man with no arms walks in and demands a trial.

The Coach looked a little skeptical, but not wanting to discriminate, he agreed.

The no-armed man dived into the pool and began to kick his legs furiously, motoring down the length of the pool at a tremendous rate, and records the q...

Why a centipede cannot fly coach?

Not enough leg room!

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What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants?

Hey man urine

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A whole crowd is gathered for the highschool orchestra concert. Its quite the ordeal and every seat is filled, but a phone call informs the the principal that the conductor had been in a car accident!

Nothing serious, but both his wrists were sprained and he could not conduct this evening!
A quick staff meeting and one short straw later; the gym coach made his way out to the waiting audience. Megaphone in hand, the gym teacher walks center stage announcing in a slight static over the megaphone...

An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

The coach discovers he is going to die in a week

He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.

What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach?

Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.

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