I saw my old karate coach in his car yesterday

He drove a KIIIIAAA.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

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A shot putter says to her coach "We need to talk about these 'supplements' you've been giving me"

He says "Anything the matter with them?" and she says "Well, to be honest, I do have a couple of concerns." She has a quick look around and pulls up the front of her shirt, revealing a thick mass of hair covering her chest and down as far as her waistband.

The coach blinks and says "And how f...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

Why is Cinderella so bad at basketball?

Her coach is a pumpkin.

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"

So I drowned.

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A wrestler meets with his coach

A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, ...

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

“The 40 yard dash,” answered Timmy. “100 meters,” said Becky. “Blacks,” said Billy.

Coach’s face fell to the floor. “That’s not what I meant when I asked what race makes you most nervous.”

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

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When did coach Hitler bench a player?

After the third st-reich.

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

My French Coach taught me all I needed to know about losing...

Remember you can’t spell “we” without ‘i’

Now run.

A football team loses the championship...

Everyone on the team knows it was the coaches fault. After the match, the players invite the coach to the party. Confused, the coach asks: "Why are we having a party? We lost!". The players respond: "It's your retirement party!".

A rabbit walks into a pub...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following ...

Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

A NFL coach vacationing in Thailand,

Wants to get away from all the game and glamour. So he retreats to a remote village in Thailand. One day, he decides to go watch a local movie.
There are 9 people seated in the small viewing room. As soon as he walks in, they begin applauding, with looks of adulation and starstruck expressions. ...

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Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class....

Snoop Dogg goes to a vocal coach

The coach asks him "Can you sing very high?"

Snoop says "I can't sing if I'm not."

My wife is divorcing me because I’m obsessed with Football coaching.

In my defence, I have J.J.Watt, Michael Bennett, and Richard Sherman.

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I’m Blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York

There was a woman on a flight to New York, her ticket was for coach but she was in first class. A member of the cabin crew had realised that her ticket was for coach, so he goes up to the woman and kindly asks her to move to her correct seat, she responds with “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m goi...

If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

Why doesn’t cinderella play sports?

Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and runs away from the ball.

Why would Indians make great basketball coaches?

They invented Curry

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My coach told me to make it to third base

He was pissed, but his daughter loved it.

There was a kidnapping at a local middle school recently

The teacher had to wake him up right away


(Taken from a 3rd grader I coach)

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

An athiest, a vegan, and a CrossFit coach walked into a bar

I know because they told me.

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I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

A blond gets on a plane

She sits down in a first class seat even though she bought a ticket for coach. The flight attendants all try to tell her she needs to find her correct seat, but she refuses.

Finally the pilot comes and sits down next to her and the blond moves to her correct seat in coach.

The flight...

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

Two basketball recruits are taking a college entrance exam.

The coach says,” men all you have to do is finish this sentence and you’re admitted to school. “

He continues, “Old MacDonald had a _____?”

One of the jocks thinks for a moment and proudly says,” Old MacDonald had a farm.”

The other says, “Yea but how do you spell farm?”

...

I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

A joke from my baseball coach...

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. 
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day. One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heave...

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My wife hates cleaning so now I'm paying for a maid, she hates changing diapers so now I'm paying for a nanny...

And she hates having sex with me so now I'm paying for a tennis coach.

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We'...

“You miss 100% of the shots you take.”

- my high school coach

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An American wrestler prepares to face the Russian in the Olympics....

..... the americans coach is explaining to him to win the gold medal he must defeat the Russian. The Russia has never lost a match because he has a move called " The pretzel " every opponent trapped in the pretzel loses the match. So the wrestler and his coach devise an entire strategy devoted to av...

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

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The wrestler

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". What...

What does the Jewish track coach do to the female runner?

He Kosher.

First Class Blonde

An express flight to New York is boarding passengers. Before all coach can get a seat, a flight stewardess realizes that there's one first class passenger still not sitting. He's arguing with another woman in a seat.
"I'm blonde, beautiful, and I can sit where I want."
The stewardess approac...

A football player was late to conditioning practice

His coach asked "Why are you late?"

The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning."

Why did the diet coach send her . .

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.

A ride to Buckingham Palace

2015:
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They cont...

Everyone have your tickets ready

Three lawyers and three engineers are sent to conference. The lawyers being lavish as they are, choose to buy a first class ticket for each of the three of them. When they meet up with the engineers, they notice they only bought one coach ticket for the three of them.

"How do you suppose you'...

A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.

”Theres no fish under the ice!” a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill

”Theres no fish under the ice!” The voice said again. The man got nervous

”Is it God speaking?” He asked

”No the is hockey coach. Now g...

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He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.

They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.

After tea, ...

Alabama beat Florida State, their coach quit. Alabama beat Texas A&M, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Arkansas, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Tennessee, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Mississippi State, their coach quit.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon said they wanted Bama. They lost.

You don't want Bama.

A rather old one.

Two NFL coaches were looking a rosters when one of them came across an unusual name.

"Quasimodo? Why does that name ring a bell?"

His friend said, "He was at Notre Dame... a halfback."

What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach?

Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.

Putin and the Queen

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and Russian President Vladimir Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnifice...

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

A couple was on their honeymoon

They decided to go for a ride on a stage coach. So they took a horse and a stage coach and went for a ride along the coast.

Suddenly the horse trips and almost falls down, shaking the stage coach, but keeps going. The man says loudly "one!"

After a couple hundred meters the horse trips...

A bad boxer

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.

"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.

"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."

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Smart Dachshund

An rich old lady decides to go on safari in Africa, along with her little pet dachshund, Frankie.
They set up camp and it isn't long before Frankie begins to explore his new surroundings.
Suddenly he finds himself far from the camp and feels eyes on him. Up in a tree is a large jaguar, ready...

An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

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A blonde is boarding an airplane flying to New York City for the first time.

She takes her seat in first class and is getting comfortable when a man walks over and says, "Ma'am, I believe you're in my seat."

"No, no," explains the blonde "I'm blonde and I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York."

The man got frustrated and alerted the flight attendant of the pote...

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Hooker wife...

A young couple are up against it financially so they agree to have the wife hustle on the streets to raise some cash.

Friday night, the husband drives his beautiful wife to the red light district and coaches her one last time:

"OK, again- I'm going to be right here. Anything you nee...

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Derrick Rose learned his old coach passed away

Derrick's old coach had given him his first pair of sneakers all those years ago and he still remembers that as his first step towards elevating him to his level today. In memory of his old coach, Derrick just donated a thousand pairs of sneakers to kids who can't afford them.

And that's how ...

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess...

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game,...

looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay,...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

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In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club

Had a player called David Dicks. When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without Dicks". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A record number of women attended the match

Hard candy

At the horse races, the inspector observes that a coach is giving something to one of the horses.
Inspector:
- What is this pill?!
- This is just some hard candy. I eat them, and this horse likes them as well. Want to try?
- Well, why not...
Before the start of the race the coach tell...

A blonde sits down in the first class seat on her plane.

The flight attendant comes over and says "Ma'am, may I please see your ticket"

The blonde women hands her the ticket.

The flight attendant says "I'm sorry ma'am your in coach back there not first class"

The blonde says "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Miami"

Th...

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