A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

When did coach Hitler bench a player?

After the third st-reich.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing brunette and an old lady are sharing a coach on a train as it winds its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"

So I drowned.

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

A NFL coach vacationing in Thailand,

Wants to get away from all the game and glamour. So he retreats to a remote village in Thailand. One day, he decides to go watch a local movie.
There are 9 people seated in the small viewing room. As soon as he walks in, they begin applauding, with looks of adulation and starstruck expressions. ...

Coach always used to say "Aim for the skies, boy".

He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice.

If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

I was so happy when my coach told me I should be playing in the majors.

Then I realized I was in band class.

A boxing coach introduces the parts of the ring to his students.

“Here is the break area...

Here is the railing...

And here is the punchline.”

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier wit...

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Look, I deserve a raise", the high school football coach complained to the principal.

"What for?" came the reply. "You're paid a hell of a lot more than any other member of my teaching staff as it is. How can I justify recommending you for a raise?"

"I'll show you what I have to put up with," the coach said, opening the office door and calling out to the team captain.

"...

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My coach told me to make it to third base

He was pissed, but his daughter loved it.

I got a text from my life coach today.

He said I didn't make the team.

Why did the diet coach send her . .

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.

An athiest, a vegan, and a CrossFit coach walked into a bar

I know because they told me.

Snoop Dogg goes to a vocal coach

The coach asks him "Can you sing very high?"

Snoop says "I can't sing if I'm not."

Alabama beat Florida State, their coach quit. Alabama beat Texas A&M, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Arkansas, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Tennessee, they fired their coach. Alabama beat Mississippi State, their coach quit.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon said they wanted Bama. They lost.

You don't want Bama.

A joke from my baseball coach...

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. 
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day. One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heave...

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

A blond gets on a plane

She sits down in a first class seat even though she bought a ticket for coach. The flight attendants all try to tell her she needs to find her correct seat, but she refuses.

Finally the pilot comes and sits down next to her and the blond moves to her correct seat in coach.

The flight...

A rather old one.

Two NFL coaches were looking a rosters when one of them came across an unusual name.

"Quasimodo? Why does that name ring a bell?"

His friend said, "He was at Notre Dame... a halfback."

Coach Larry

There wasn't anywhere in Florida you could go without hearing about how great a football coach Larry was. And he was, no doubt, one of the greatest, most respected coaches of the University of Florida.

On the first day of training, he decided to take the Freshman on a run to prepare and inspi...

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” th...

The Voice Coach

Voice Coach: "Let's start with a scale."

Student: "Do, re, muuuhh, fa, so, la, ti, doooh!"

Voice Coach: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't take that tone with mi!"

An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach?

Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into t...

What did the comedy coach tell his worst student after his practice?

"Are you making a Mochrie out of improv?"

A woman, her baby and a man are sitting in a train coach

The woman is trying to breast feed her baby, but the baby keeps turning away.

Woman: Come on, drink the milk. Drink the milk or I will give it to this man instead.

The man casts her a surprised glance but stays quiet.

Woman: Take the breast. Come on, you don't want for this nice...

[Long] This is a favorite from my childhood soccer coach. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

So there are three moles who all live together in a burrow, outaide a farm. Mama mole, Papa mole, and baby Mole. One day Papa Mole wakes up and can smell the farmer cooking breakfast and sticks his head out of the burrow to smell the breakfast and yell down to Mama, "Come up and smell the breakfast ...

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

A blonde volleyball coach

A blonde volleyball coach recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. The coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.

“Okay,” asks t...

Why a centipede cannot fly coach?

Not enough leg room!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants?

Hey man urine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

A wife comes home with a new Coach bag...

Her husband asks, "Where did you get that?"

"I won it in a raffle." she replies.

The next day she comes home with a new diamond bracelet. He asks her again, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

"I won it in a raffle." she says again. Later that evening, she asks her husband to run...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A swimming coach was holding trials for his new team.

When a man with no arms walks in and demands a trial.

The Coach looked a little skeptical, but not wanting to discriminate, he agreed.

The no-armed man dived into the pool and began to kick his legs furiously, motoring down the length of the pool at a tremendous rate, and records the q...

Horton must be a first base coach...

Since he hears a who.

I got in trouble in gym class, so the coach made me sit in the back, in near all the equipment.

There's nothing I can do. He's really got me by the balls.

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

Who was Mr Rogers' weight lifting coach?

Arnold Schwarzeneighbor



(OC)

What did the Italian baseball coach say about the only woman on the team?

Ciabatta very good!

I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team

Because I hate dealing with parents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two classmates are discussing the current state of their alma mater at a reunion weekend barbecue.

“Things have really gotten crazy here,” the first man says. “Did you know the football coach makes three times the salary as the head of the English department?”

The second man responds, “Well, that kind of makes sense. I’m pretty sure 100,000 screaming fans wouldn’t show up on Saturday for a...

Joe Paterno was such a good coach...

...that after he died, he won another 112 games.

I don't think my 3rd base coach likes me.

He keeps telling me to go home.

What do you call a white man surrounded by a hundred black men?

Coach.

The Russian pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."...

The coach discovers he is going to die in a week

He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.

​

By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly couple

An elderly couple (who lived in old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When th...

There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.

The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.

She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.

please move to the back of...

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

Where does John fogerty like to sit when he flies in an airplane?

Coach

What did the cheap baseball player say when he found out how expensive first class plane tickets are?

Put me in coach!

A plane takes off from Kennedy airport...

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom "ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop service from new york to LA. The weather ahead is calm so it should be a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit bac...

Husband leaves letter for wife

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the eveni...

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport

President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from *the Queen.*

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace..

Suddenly, ...

Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple wanted to learn how to play golf.

They had rented a coach that should help them learn the basics of golf.

"Ok, how about you try to hit the ball as far as you can Mr. Johnson.

Ok, Let's try!" The husband hits the ball about 2 yards away.

"Um... Good...Job... Now, how about you try the same thing, Mrs. Johnson!" ...

So one time i joined a Slovakian circus...

I got in with the tightrope walkers. The coach had designed this elaborate, rigorous training program. It was a whole system of Czechs and balances.

“You miss 100% of the shots you take.”

- my high school coach

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.

They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.

After tea, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Olympic wrestling

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler named Ole were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold h...

What did the Thai soccer player say to the rescue diver?

I didn't want to follow the coach but I eventually caved in

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

Yo Mamma so fat...

Yo mamma so fat, that when you were being delivered at the hospital the doctor had to send in a rescue diver. He pulled out you, 11 other kids, and a soccer coach.

First Class Blonde

An express flight to New York is boarding passengers. Before all coach can get a seat, a flight stewardess realizes that there's one first class passenger still not sitting. He's arguing with another woman in a seat.
"I'm blonde, beautiful, and I can sit where I want."
The stewardess approac...

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife hates cleaning so now I'm paying for a maid, she hates changing diapers so now I'm paying for a nanny...

And she hates having sex with me so now I'm paying for a tennis coach.

Everyone have your tickets ready

Three lawyers and three engineers are sent to conference. The lawyers being lavish as they are, choose to buy a first class ticket for each of the three of them. When they meet up with the engineers, they notice they only bought one coach ticket for the three of them.

"How do you suppose you'...

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

A football player was late to conditioning practice

His coach asked "Why are you late?"

The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American wrestler prepares to face the Russian in the Olympics....

..... the americans coach is explaining to him to win the gold medal he must defeat the Russian. The Russia has never lost a match because he has a move called " The pretzel " every opponent trapped in the pretzel loses the match. So the wrestler and his coach devise an entire strategy devoted to av...

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