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Basketball Jokes

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball together?

Juan on Juan

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

When basketball stars die they don't pass away

...they cross over

RIP Mamba :(

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

A group of friends put together a basketball team to play on the local town league and called the team “bye”

So far they have accumulated 4 wins from opponents no-shows.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

Why can't basketball players go on vacation?

They aren't allowed to travel

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

Why can’t you play basketball with a sovereign citizen?

They are always traveling

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” Th...

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever

Nothing but net

Why do basketball players struggle to get women pregnant?

Because they dribble so much before they shoot.

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

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why are black people so good at basketball?

because they practice

My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

Why can't you play basketball on LeBrons head?

Beacause the baseline is always changing......

I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind.

It will be missed.

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies...

A guy's playing basketball with his buddies when he injures a finger badly.

He goes to the doctor and explains what happened.

The doctor examines it and says "It's broken, but we'll be able to get it healed up just about as good as new."

The guy gets a concerned look on his face...

Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together?

He shoots, he scores!

My dad played basketball for Penn State!

My bad, I meant state pen.

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I like my sex like I like basketball.

One-on-One with as little dribbling as possible.

\~ Leslie Nielson

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

What's the difference between a baby and a basketball?

Basketballs bounce when you drop them.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

What do you call a Greek basketball player?

A hooplite

Why do birds make bad basketball players?

They're always committing fowls.

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball?

He was a point gourd.

Basketball sued Tennis for no reason

Now they have to go to court

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

Why doesn't Jesus play basketball?

Dude's always getting crossed up.

So I gave a blind guy a basketball.

I think he's still trying to read it...

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy

It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"

Why are sodas mad after a basketball game?

Sierra missed

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So like, this guy was drinking beer and watching a basketball game on TV

while his wife was outside mowing the grass. He went out and asked "What are you going to make for dinner?" She said "How dare you ask me that! I'm doing all the work while you're sitting around. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and while he was eat...

Why do basketball players love cookies?

Because they can dunk them!

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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Whenever I take a piss, I feel like a basketball player

Cuz I'm always dribbling

Did you hear that a group of hookers decided to make their own basketball team?

They're going to be called the Harlot Globetrotters.

What do you call it when an Apple fan is watching a 90s movie on a tablet about a dog that plays basketball on their wireless headphones?

They're watching Air Bud on their iPad through their Air Pods earbuds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to hell.

When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!

The Virgin Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"

"Yes," fum...

Why doesnt celcius play basketball

It wouldnt be fahrenheit. I made this joke just now.

What do you call a shrimp that's really good at basketball?

Leprawn James

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?

They dribble all the time.

Why did the rooster go to the basketball game?

He heard that they blow fouls there.

Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?

Dunkin' Donuts

Why wouldn’t they let the stoner on the basketball team?

Because he couldn’t jump high

They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall.

They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.

Why was the basketball court all wet?

Because the players kept dribbling all over it.

Basketball hasn’t changed one bit...

WNBA games are still empty.

Told my daughter basketball season was postponed because of the virus...

She said "they should ban baseball instead". Asked her why and she goes "wasn't this all caused by bats?"

TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a topless women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

How did the guy with no hair do during his basketball game?

Oh, he bald.

I couldn't figure out why the basketball kept getting larger and larger

Then it hit me.

A man is playing basketball with his son...

“Son, if you can make this shot, I’ll get you a new amp for that guitar you play. But if you miss, you have to eat this bag of sand. What’ll it be? &?”

A basketball player, a Mexican, and a terrorist are all on a plane. Long

The plane is going super slow so they all got rid of some weight. The basketball player said, "I have a ton of basketballs, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The Mexican said, "I have a ton of tacos, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The terrorist said, "I h...

If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

Why won't Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons play basketball?

Because they both won't take a shot.

Why is Cinderella so bad at basketball?

Her coach is a pumpkin.

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

Why redditors on r/jokes love basketball?

They are fans of Kobe and paste

If you rush a circumcision to be able to watch the start of a basketball game

You are quickly taking the tip off not to miss the tip off

So the Devil goes to God and says "We're having a basketball tournament."

Then God says "Hold up, give me one second."

What does prostate cancer patient have in common with a basketball player?

They both dribble

What’s the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?

A basketball team actually showers after 4 periods.

In basketball, what is it called when you lose due to a wildly thrown buzzer-beater?

Defeat-us by yeetus

Love is like basketball...

I’m not good at it.

A guy is in the front row of a basketball game.....

He is enjoying the game when suddenly someone yells, ''Steve!'' He looks over his shoulder, looks around but cannot see anyone in the mass of 15,000 fans. He continues to enjoy the game. He again hears ''SteveO,'' Now he gets up and looks around but eventually sits back down. He is taking a drink...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like basketball:

I'm 5'3" and don't play a lot of basketball.

I tried out for basketball

But I didn't make the team because I'm failing English and the coach says I have terrible Hyundai coordination.

Why did Jesus lose the basketball game?

Because Peter denied him three times.

What did the Devil Worshiping basketball player say?

Baal is life

Why did the fish refuse to play basketball?

He was afraid of the net.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

I went to a Syracuse University basketball game. The president showed up.

The secret service got confused and started guarding the mascot.

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

When flat-earth people play basketball they must be like...

"Yo pass me the frisbee bro!"

I was playing basketball with my 13 year old son and I beat him.

I probably wouldn't have if he hadn't won.

Toronto missed out on an opportunity to call their basketball team the torontosaurus rexes

Boo me, I deserve it

Why hasn’t columbine won a basketball championship since 1999?

They lost their best shooters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't play basketball

But fuck me I've rimmed some three's in my time

Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

Dunkin' Donuts

Two basketball recruits are taking a college entrance exam.

The coach says,” men all you have to do is finish this sentence and you’re admitted to school. “

He continues, “Old MacDonald had a _____?”

One of the jocks thinks for a moment and proudly says,” Old MacDonald had a farm.”

The other says, “Yea but how do you spell farm?”

...

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