A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: No

Dad: It's Bill Gates' daughter

Son: then ok

Dad: **Goes to Bill Gates**

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son

Bill Gates: No

Dad: My son is the CEO of the world bank

Bill Gates: then ok<...

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

Don’t invest in the lollipop business.

That market’s for suckers.

An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...

So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?

So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old

-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?

-No, it's because h...

I started a business selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof.

I've started a boat business in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof!

A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

&#x200B;

She thinks a moment and answer...

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

What do you call a Mexican-Canadian pimp business?

Hoes, eh?

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[long] A business man is playing golf in Japan

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke ...

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

&#x200B;

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

&#x200B;

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the cl...

How did the new trucking and RV car dealership advertise its coming soon business?

It put out an extra long trailer in front of the establishment on tv

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An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

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A phone call in a business trip...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the pho...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the pest control business.

He's the ex-terminator.

What does the sign say on and out-of-business brothel?

Beat it. We’re closed.

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A sucessful business man retires

A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. H...

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Business was bad, the small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner loo...

Why did the newspaper company go out of business?

Too many issues

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

Dad: What’s a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe

Me: it’s Narnia Business....

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

A businessman is walking down a...

A businessman is walking down a village and meets a lazy guy who's sitting under a tree. Businessman: Why are you just sitting there doing nothing, go water those trees over there so you can grow some fruit and sell them to make money.
Guy: For what?
Businessman: So you can use that money to...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I worked in the restaurant business a really long time and people always said I should wash my hands after going to the bathroom. I usually didn’t.

But you know what, I never got sick from it.

A man goes away on business.

He e-mails his wife from the road and says he’ll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the wh...

I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all sta...

My friend started a business selling helicopters.

It's really starting to take off.

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

What business do mushrooms have on Pizza?

They fung-tion as a topping.

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

A business is at a hotel in NYC.

Ah the Big Apple! He is excited and goes down to get breakfast at the hotel restaurant before his meeting. He looks over the menu and the waiter comes after an slightly extended wait.
“I’ll have the short stack of pancakes” the business man says with interest.
“Very good” remarked the waiter....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw this hooker and he asked,

“How much for a hand
job?”
The hooker replied, “100 Bucks.”
The man said “100 Bucks, that’s a lot of got damn money.”
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, “See that
Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs.”
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he ha...

Arranging a business trip.

"Hello I need to book a business trip to Thailand."

"Are you going to Bangkok?"

"No, I'm just going to Phuket."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

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I asked a pimp how to get started in the pimping business. He said I need to get me a bitch , a hoe and a thot. The bitch handles all the hookers. She’s like the mom of the house. The hoe handles day to day affairs . Who does accounting? I asked

He said, It’s the thot that counts

Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make their dough from mixers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business man saw a brown cow and black cow

He then saw a farmer tending the cows.

**Business Man:** Hey you, do you know the owners of these cows?

**Farmer:** Which one? The black or the brown?

**Business Man:** The brown one.

**Farmer:** Yes I know.

**Business Man:** How about the black one?

**Farme...

A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy.

It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

Have you heard about Sting's new business?

He now reposesesses cars in Arizona and lines them up in desert rows.

My yo-yo business is failing, and I don’t know why!

People usually love a “no strings attached” policy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's...

I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

How to get new business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and...

Why did the T-Rex family business fail?

They couldn't keep up with the orders... They were always short handed!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:

Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)

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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hi...

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

A 50 year old business man is sitting with a young man

The business man takes out a photo of his wife and says to the young man beside him

"She's a real beauty isn't she."

The young man abruptly then replies

" Oh yeah if she's a real beauty you haven't seen my girlfriend."

The business man taken by surprise says

"Wh...

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

My explosive prayer mat business is booming

They say prophets are going through the roof!

Being in the door business is hard work...

I'm always getting slammed!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

What do you call it when a nun is the CEO of your business?

Nun of ya business!

My ex dumped me because I was "too business minded".

So I hired a new girlfriend.

A lot of opticians will be going out of business next year

Everyone is going to have 2020 vision

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to se...

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

The world was calmly doing their business when a new toy was released.

It was a battery-powered robot named Mister Edward that took the world by storm. Mister Edward toys were even connected to the internet. Eventually a virus started to spread which caused all the Mister Edward toys to attempt to destroy all of humanity. They eventually started succeeding, and the pop...

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

Two friends decide to start up a business together.

The first man, Carl, had years of experience in the production of liquor, and so he wanted to start a distillery. The second man, Adam, had years of experience in marijuana cultivation but had been clean for years and would not go near recreational cannabis, and so he wanted to start up a processing...

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a business owner that has a small dick?

Short-staffed.

If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together

would they call it Amazon Web Services?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John goes on a business trip to Japan

On the first night upon arrival, he found a brothel and spent the night fucking a prostitute who kept yelling "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" during sex. Since he didn't understand a word of Japanese, John assumed it meant approval and kept going.

The next day he played golf with several J...

Apparently there's a business that allows you to interview in a tank top

I might invest.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then ord...

Tough business

“I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet.”

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business man met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $800.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to beautiful woman, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the wh...

Came up with an idea for a business sabotaging condoms.

Feel free to poke holes in it.

I wasn’t sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business.

But now I’m sold.

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

What did the Chinese business man say to his opthalmologist when he was told that he had a cataract?

> No no no no no no.
I drive a Rexus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

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American business man.

An American businessman goes on a business trip to Japan. His first night there, as is tradition in Japan, the Japanese businessman get him a prostitute. He's fucking the shit out of the prostitute and all the sudden The Prostitute starts yelling, "Kawasaki Kawasaki Kawasaki Kawasaki!"

The ne...

An Englishman meets a Dutchman at a business conference.

Surprisingly, the Dutchman speaks hardly a word of English, and rather less surprisingly, the Englishman doesn't speak very much Dutch. However, they bond over several beers and try to hold a friendly conversation with the few words they have in common, and after a while the Englishman manages to ge...

"So what do you do for a living ?" - " I own a mining business."

"What do you mine ?"
"I mine my own f*cking business."

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

The World of Business

Did you ever notice how when someone offers you a penny for your thoughts, they're really just asking for your two cents?

&#x200B;

\#TotallyNotAScam

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Watson ask Sherlock when he came out of the toilet without doing his business?

No shit, Sherlock?

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

Business don't last very long on the moon.

They tend to wax and wane over time.

What's the best business plan ever made?

The Bible.