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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

My solar business was forced to shut down

Turns out the entire operation was shady

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

A: Beat it. We’re closed.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason Anne's Franks hasn't been very popular with the target audience.

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

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A man goes on a long business trip NSFW

While he is away he is worried his wife will miss him. To prevent this he takes a trip to his local adult store. Having never been there the vast assortment of adult toys takes him by surprise, not knowing what to get, the man approaches the shopkeep and explains his situation. The man smiles and...

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: No

Dad: It's Bill Gates' daughter

Son: then ok

Dad: **Goes to Bill Gates**

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son

Bill Gates: No

Dad: My son is the CEO of the world bank

Bill Gates: then ok<...

I started a business selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

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The business man who moved to [nsfw]

A high powered business man moved to the mountains to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life.

For months the only person he saw was the man who delivers his mail.

After 8 months there came a strange knock on the door, when he opens the door, there stood a giant man with a hu...

Did you hear about the failed bra business?

There was a lack of good customer support

I'm going to open a business with the money I got from my donation to the sperm bank

Now that I've got a little seed money.

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

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A man goes away from his wife on business...

A man goes away from his wife for work. He has to be gone for 5 days. By the second day the man is super horny so he decides to find a hooker. On this one corner close by he sees this beautiful blonde. Nice ass huge boobs, just the perfect blonde.

He walks up to her and says hey babe how muc...

A man comes home early from a business trip on a Friday morning and find his wife in bed with one of his friends

He shoots and kills both of them and goes to prison. A few days later one of his other friends goes to visit him in jail and his buddy says, “Hey man, it could have been worse!”

The man says, “Could of been worse?!? I’m in jail about to be on death row and in the electric chair. How in the he...

I just don’t know how shoe companies stay in business

Although, it probably helps being the sole supplier

Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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I’ve given up on taking my business essay assignment seriously, so now I’m just trying to work in sex jokes.

"Strong leadership and teamwork has to be contributed by both the top and the bottom, resulting in a versatile fusion of satisfactory results."

Two gymnasts decided to go into business

together and because one liked liquor and the other beer and wine, they decided they would open two pubs one directly across the street from the other. Unfortunately they had a falling out and went out of business due to poor marketing. They never could agree on a name for the parallel bars.

Steve Jobs had a better and more successful business than Trump. But would he have been a better President as well?

Well, that's like comparing Apples with Oranges.

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...

So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?

So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old

-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?

-No, it's because h...

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop.

A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop.


He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam."


The girl looks him over, and then brings out a fig leaf.


He says, "Not big enou...

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

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A janitor at a church is minding his own business cleaning the floors when the priest runs to him telling him he needs help

The priest says to the janitor
“J I need your help, I have to run an errand really quick but I need you to fill in for me for confessions.” J says, “Father I cant I don’t know what to assign for punishments or pennants.
Father replies saying, “Its fine there’s a sheet in there that will tel...

The cryogenics company was going out of business so I had to take my parents head's home. We were never close,...

...our relations were thawed

I started a trampoline business in Prague. Business is good...

But the Czechs keep bouncing

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A business is like a tree full of monkeys

A business is like a tree full of monkeys. Some are going up, some are going down. All on different levels and branches.

When the monkeys on top look down, they see a bunch of smiling faces.

When the monkeys below look up, they see a bunch of assholes.

My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

An American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off.

He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing.

He asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, "Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him." The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his ...

Dad: What’s a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe

Me: it’s Narnia Business....

My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"



She thinks a moment and answers "Everythin...

If people think banks are the greediest business

They’ve clearly never gone to the movies

I recently hired two interns from China to help with my business

Hua Ta Yu and Biyuchica Mi. Because it was easier, they both asked me to call them by their last names.

I needed to sign up for a new online service and asked Yu to do so. I gave her my credit card and off she went. After an hour I went to see if she had completed the task and she was gone! W...

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

What do you call a Mexican-Canadian pimp business?

Hoes, eh?

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Terrible Business

Business had been terrible and was not picking up.



I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.



It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.



Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the fir...

Show business

Joke, from the 1979 movie 'Saint Jack': A man goes to a doctor with a severe rash on his forearm.

The doctor asks: 'What do you do for a living?'

The man responds: 'I work at the circus. I give enemas to elephants. That means I have to stick my hand up their ass.'

The doctor ...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make dough from mixers.

Don’t invest in the lollipop business.

That market’s for suckers.

My friend's drone business closed down recently.

I heard it didn't really take off.

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

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I’ve got to say business culture is really different in China compared to the US.

The Chinese invite foreigners to see their wall and bring them shit load of money. Americans pay their wall themselves and tell foreigners to fuck off.

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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

How did the new trucking and RV car dealership advertise its coming soon business?

It put out an extra long trailer in front of the establishment on tv

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[long] A business man is playing golf in Japan

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke ...

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A sucessful business man retires

A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. H...

Why did the newspaper company go out of business?

Too many issues

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An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

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A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the pest control business.

He's the ex-terminator.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

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Business was bad, the small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner loo...

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A phone call in a business trip...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the pho...

A businessman is walking down a...

A businessman is walking down a village and meets a lazy guy who's sitting under a tree. Businessman: Why are you just sitting there doing nothing, go water those trees over there so you can grow some fruit and sell them to make money.
Guy: For what?
Businessman: So you can use that money to...

I worked in the restaurant business a really long time and people always said I should wash my hands after going to the bathroom. I usually didn’t.

But you know what, I never got sick from it.

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I asked a pimp how to get started in the pimping business. He said I need to get me a bitch , a hoe and a thot. The bitch handles all the hookers. She’s like the mom of the house. The hoe handles day to day affairs . Who does accounting? I asked

He said, It’s the thot that counts

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all sta...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

My friend started a business selling helicopters.

It's really starting to take off.

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

I hate the tool business

It really screwed me over

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A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

My yo-yo business is failing, and I don’t know why!

People usually love a “no strings attached” policy!

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Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

Arranging a business trip.

"Hello I need to book a business trip to Thailand."

"Are you going to Bangkok?"

"No, I'm just going to Phuket."

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One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw this hooker and he asked,

“How much for a hand
job?”
The hooker replied, “100 Bucks.”
The man said “100 Bucks, that’s a lot of got damn money.”
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, “See that
Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs.”
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he ha...

A business is at a hotel in NYC.

Ah the Big Apple! He is excited and goes down to get breakfast at the hotel restaurant before his meeting. He looks over the menu and the waiter comes after an slightly extended wait.
“I’ll have the short stack of pancakes” the business man says with interest.
“Very good” remarked the waiter....

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

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*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

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So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's...

A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy.

It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.

Why did the T-Rex family business fail?

They couldn't keep up with the orders... They were always short handed!!

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test...

He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and t...

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

Have you heard about Sting's new business?

He now reposesesses cars in Arizona and lines them up in desert rows.

I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then ord...

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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

What do you call it when a nun is the CEO of your business?

Nun of ya business!

The world was calmly doing their business when a new toy was released.

It was a battery-powered robot named Mister Edward that took the world by storm. Mister Edward toys were even connected to the internet. Eventually a virus started to spread which caused all the Mister Edward toys to attempt to destroy all of humanity. They eventually started succeeding, and the pop...

How to get new business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

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