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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...

So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?

So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old

-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?

-No, it's because h...

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

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A sucessful business man retires

A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. H...

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

A businessman is walking down a...

A businessman is walking down a village and meets a lazy guy who's sitting under a tree. Businessman: Why are you just sitting there doing nothing, go water those trees over there so you can grow some fruit and sell them to make money.
Guy: For what?
Businessman: So you can use that money to...

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A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

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A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

Arranging a business trip.

"Hello I need to book a business trip to Thailand."

"Are you going to Bangkok?"

"No, I'm just going to Phuket."

My friend started a business selling helicopters.

It's really starting to take off.

A business is at a hotel in NYC.

Ah the Big Apple! He is excited and goes down to get breakfast at the hotel restaurant before his meeting. He looks over the menu and the waiter comes after an slightly extended wait.
“I’ll have the short stack of pancakes” the business man says with interest.
“Very good” remarked the waiter....

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

What business do mushrooms have on Pizza?

They fung-tion as a topping.

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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

What do you call a Mexican-Canadian pimp business?

Hoes, eh?

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

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One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He saw this hooker and he asked,

“How much for a hand
job?”
The hooker replied, “100 Bucks.”
The man said “100 Bucks, that’s a lot of got damn money.”
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, “See that
Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs.”
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he ha...

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all sta...

Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make their dough from mixers.

Dad: What’s a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe

Me: it’s Narnia Business....

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Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

"Honey, I always worry when you go on business trips."

Husband: "Why? I promise you, that I go nowhere else and just straight here."

Wife: "That's what I worry about, you coming home early."

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy.

It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.

"Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

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A business man saw a brown cow and black cow

He then saw a farmer tending the cows.

**Business Man:** Hey you, do you know the owners of these cows?

**Farmer:** Which one? The black or the brown?

**Business Man:** The brown one.

**Farmer:** Yes I know.

**Business Man:** How about the black one?

**Farme...

I tried to create a business that makes talking candles

It didn't make any dollars or scents.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

Have you heard about Sting's new business?

He now reposesesses cars in Arizona and lines them up in desert rows.

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I asked a pimp how to get started in the pimping business. He said I need to get me a bitch , a hoe and a thot. The bitch handles all the hookers. She’s like the mom of the house. The hoe handles day to day affairs . Who does accounting? I asked

He said, It’s the thot that counts

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*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

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So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's...

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

How to get new business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and...

Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:

Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

Why did the T-Rex family business fail?

They couldn't keep up with the orders... They were always short handed!!

When it comes to the family business, Ive got big shoes to fill.

My father isnt important or anything, we just run a clown business.

The world was calmly doing their business when a new toy was released.

It was a battery-powered robot named Mister Edward that took the world by storm. Mister Edward toys were even connected to the internet. Eventually a virus started to spread which caused all the Mister Edward toys to attempt to destroy all of humanity. They eventually started succeeding, and the pop...

My yo-yo business is failing, and I don’t know why!

People usually love a “no strings attached” policy!

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hi...

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

What do you call it when a nun is the CEO of your business?

Nun of ya business!

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to se...

Being in the door business is hard work...

I'm always getting slammed!

Nancy Pelosi just thrashed Trump over this shut-down business.

But Stormy Daniels showed us that Trump likes getting spanked by a woman.

A lot of opticians will be going out of business next year

Everyone is going to have 2020 vision

My ex dumped me because I was "too business minded".

So I hired a new girlfriend.

A 50 year old business man is sitting with a young man

The business man takes out a photo of his wife and says to the young man beside him

"She's a real beauty isn't she."

The young man abruptly then replies

" Oh yeah if she's a real beauty you haven't seen my girlfriend."

The business man taken by surprise says

"Wh...

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

Came up with an idea for a business sabotaging condoms.

Feel free to poke holes in it.

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What do you call a business owner that has a small dick?

Short-staffed.

Apparently there's a business that allows you to interview in a tank top

I might invest.

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

"So what do you do for a living ?" - " I own a mining business."

"What do you mine ?"
"I mine my own f*cking business."

What did the Chinese business man say to his opthalmologist when he was told that he had a cataract?

> No no no no no no.
I drive a Rexus.

If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together

would they call it Amazon Web Services?

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John goes on a business trip to Japan

On the first night upon arrival, he found a brothel and spent the night fucking a prostitute who kept yelling "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" during sex. Since he didn't understand a word of Japanese, John assumed it meant approval and kept going.

The next day he played golf with several J...

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

Tough business

“I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet.”

I wasn’t sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business.

But now I’m sold.

“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

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American business man.

An American businessman goes on a business trip to Japan. His first night there, as is tradition in Japan, the Japanese businessman get him a prostitute. He's fucking the shit out of the prostitute and all the sudden The Prostitute starts yelling, "Kawasaki Kawasaki Kawasaki Kawasaki!"

The ne...

The World of Business

Did you ever notice how when someone offers you a penny for your thoughts, they're really just asking for your two cents?

​

\#TotallyNotAScam

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

I used to have a scuba diving business

But it went under.

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

An Englishman meets a Dutchman at a business conference.

Surprisingly, the Dutchman speaks hardly a word of English, and rather less surprisingly, the Englishman doesn't speak very much Dutch. However, they bond over several beers and try to hold a friendly conversation with the few words they have in common, and after a while the Englishman manages to ge...

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

What's the best business plan ever made?

The Bible.

Business don't last very long on the moon.

They tend to wax and wane over time.

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What did Watson ask Sherlock when he came out of the toilet without doing his business?

No shit, Sherlock?

I had to close my ghost breeding business

After being convicted of 18 counts of murder

Why was the weed salesman so good at business in mecca

Because he got his profits high

My dad worked in the elevator business

He started on the ground floor but eventually made his way to the top.

Finally quit because there were too many ups and downs on the job.

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I notice a lot of different plumbing trucks with the slogan, "We're #1 in the #2 business!"

One of them has to be full of shit.

The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

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I've started a new porn business where I film unsuspecting real campers having sex and man is it exhilarating!

Its Really Fucking In Tents!

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then ord...

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[NSFW] An American business man travels to Japan for work

On his first night there, he decides to get a prostitute. They're going at it pretty good when she starts exclaiming "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"

He doesn't understand the language but assuming it must mean "great job!"

Fast forward to the next day, when he's golfing with his Japa...

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A business man met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $800.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to beautiful woman, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the wh...

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

People always wonder what got me interested in the candle business

I’d have to say it was mostly common scents

I took a cab the other day,and the driver told me,”I love my job; I own this car; I have got my own business; I am my own boss; NO ONE tells me what to do.”

I said, “ Turn left here mate.”

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

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A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

Why was the business dinner at the Indian restaurant a failure?

Because they had a naan starter.

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip

The hotel is one of the most resplendent hotels imaginable, a surprise as the man was expecting rather bland accommodation. As comes with such high standards, there is a computer in the man's room.

He decides to send an e-mail to his wife, but unfortunately typed in the wrong messaging addres...

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Make a business based around the micropenis

Overhead will be very little, but growth will be short

A man walks up to a prostitute and says "how's business?"

"It comes and goes"

What do they call conversations in the bedding business?

Pillow talk.

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A guy is walking along the beach minding his own business

When he encounters a crying woman with no arms or legs.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he walks over and asks her why she's crying.

"I've never been hugged", responds the woman.

The man ponders for a bit and says "fuck it" and he picks her up, hugs her, sets her down and...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...