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Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?"

I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."

If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be?

A Non-Prophet organization.

I'm opening a new chimney sweep, soldering supplies, and dessert business.

It's called Flue, Flux, Flan.

There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me!

Real mature.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

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What’s the difference between a polite business partner and a sex worker?

A polite business partner always says « Thanks - it’s been a pleasure doing business with you. »

I saw a commercial for the Pink Panther's new Extermination business

The jingle was pretty catchy;

"dead ants.. dead ants..

dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead aaaaaants.."

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

An Italian couple were getting busy on their wedding night.

But when the husband took off his pants, the wife received quite a shock. Where his business should have been was a small monkey.

"My God!" she exclaimed. "It's a monkey!"

"No," responded the husband. "It's-a macaque."

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This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water.

The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.

The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes b...

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."


The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"


I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."

Young man, we need brains in our business

"I know you do. That is why I'm looking for a job here."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

People say starting your own business is difficult,

but I met a lady starting her own clothing company whose signature piece was produced in a completely automated factory. She made it seamstress free.

What’s a business name that could work with a barber shop, a taxidermist, and a deli?

Cuts ‘n Stuff

A recent study shows that the best place for corporations to do business in the US is St. Louis.

As they say, ..Missouri loves companies.

Why do Irish mediums do business in the supermarket?

Because that's where they get the messages.

I'm planning to start a business on teaching math to short people.

Gonna call it "making the little things count".

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Kid goes into funeral business

A kid from Pennsylvania's gone to Chicago to study the funeral business with Frank E. Campbell, the world's most renowned mortician, and he calls home.


He says, "Pop, you wouldn't believe how exciting it is working with Frank E. Campbell. It's unbelievable."


His father sa...

A friend of mine has recently started a hot air balloon business

He hasn't got it off the ground yet

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

What do you call a motivational program in a family business?

Incestives

Have you heard Usher’s just gone into the bakery business?

He’s releasing a new song to help drive awareness.
It’s titled “Confections”

After 10 years, the Football factory went out of business.

Many people thought it was the unhappy employees. Many thought it was the low wages.

But the truth is, they just couldn't keep up with the inflation.

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress (slaps me): That’s none of your business!

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Which famous wrestler went into the scrap metal business?

Macho man Randy Salvage

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Did you hear about that business tycoon who made a fortune selling young poultry?

Dude was a total chick magnate.

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

William Shatner

Did y’all hear about William Shatner’s failed business idea for women’s lingerie store?

Apparently, “Shatner Panties”, was not the best name for the store.

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A woman had five dogs. Her husband was sick of all the dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!

But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a dog she just had to have.

"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so re...

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

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Businessman

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kind...

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A father sees his son riding a brand new $200 bike

A father went on a 2 week business trip. He comes back home and sees his son riding a brand new $200 bike.
Father asks :“Hey son. Where did you get the money for the bike?”
Son goes: “From hiking.”
“Hiking?” The father asks. “How do you get money from hiking?”
Son replies: “Oh, Moms bo...

One day John asks his friend Arty to borrow a dollar

Of course Arty obliged and lent his friend the money without a second thought.

A few weeks had passed by and everytime Arty asked John if he could have his dollar back he would reply "no worries mate, I'll have it next time I see you." This went on for sometime until one day Arty passed John...

Cunard shipping and Air Lingus decide to merge. They call the new business...

Air Nard

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

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little boy walks by his mom's room and sees her fingering herself

She's in front of the mirror saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Weird the boy thinks and goes on about his business.
The next day, the same thing, "I need a man, I need a man"
Bitch is crazy, thinks the boy. Oh well, he goes on about his business.
The third day he walks by and a guy is ...

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

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Three guys go to a luxury resort for a business siminar

This resort happens to have a very high end golf course so they each bring their clubs in the hopes of getting in a round if they get some free time. As luck would have it midweek the day's activities end at lunchtime. So they grab their clubs and head to the clubhouse to see about getting a tee t...

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A highly successful blonde business woman was headed west

She was on her way to a work conference, driving through Arkansas.

As she's cruising along she comes across a farm and out in the middle of the field is a blonde in a rowboat, surrounded by cows, rowing like mad and going nowhere.

She's pissed. She pulls over and jumps out of her car, ...

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The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest ...

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A female fly is minding her own business…

A female fly is sitting on a piece of shit, minding her own business. A male fly comes along and asks “excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?”

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

A tramp walks into a bar

and the barman says “no thank you, we don’t serve your type in here”
The tramp replies “it’s ok, I don’t want a drink, I just want a toothpick.”
Confused, the barman gives the tramp a toothpick and he leaves without causing any trouble.
The barman goes back about his business and tried to...

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A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door.

A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door. She opens it to see a man standing there in the rain, breathing heavily. "Yes?" she asks.

"Do you have a vagina?" he says.

She gasps and slams the door in his face.

A week later, the guy is back again. "Do you have ...

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Just for Bieber

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" s...

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

What would Spider-Man and Wonder Woman name their business?

Amazon Web Services

Jesus is watching you

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hand on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it's in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar not very religious bu...

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What is the name of the business that sells hearses?

Rigor Motors

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This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

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A guy walks into a sex shop...

to buy his wife a toy while he's away on business. He tells the clerk he needs something that will get the job done as she's difficult to please. The clerk goes in the back, brings up this strange box, and tells the guy he needs to use caution because it is a powerful tool. The guy asks how it's us...

What are the three worst mistakes in business?

1) Over-promising.

2) Under-delivering.

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An American man goes to Japan to close a big business deal.

The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a woman in the hotel bar. She speaks no English but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed she is wildly thrashing around and screaming a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what sh...

Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?

It was a knot-for-profit.

A new nightclub opened in my town, but it went out of business quickly.

It was called the "Watch Your Head" bar.

Apparently, nobody walked into it.

My best friend and I just started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s ..a small scale operation.

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

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A man calls his friend

Tells him, hey man! I opened my own business. Its a brothel. You should come by! Were having specials now as the business is newly opened!

\-Oh yeah? What prices do you offer?

Well, we're having a special on Anal, thats $100, BJs are also on sale, for only $20.

\-Wow, those pric...

A Joke My Brain Told Me

As I was waking up from jumbled dreams this morning, I heard my brain telling this joke with no conscious input from me. I had to flesh out some details, but the gist of it is more or less what I remember. Of course, I have heard similar jokes, but this is my brain's spontaneous version.

A gu...

A Mezuzah For Lamborghini

After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini!


However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for the L...

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.

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Two Jews have done well in business.

They decide to celebrate and advertise their success they should get matching black suits. They go to the tailor, Pincus, and tell him they want two black suits. They make it clear they want a true deep black, not blue black, grey black, or brown black but a black black. A real black, "The kind n...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?

“None of your damn business!”

Did you hear that none of the destroyed businesses in Man of Steel were paid out by insurance?

Turns out their policies didn't cover an "act of Zod"

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

A German visits France and is stopped at immigration.

The French immigration agent asks, "Business or pleasure?"

The German replies, "Pleasure!"

The agent asks, "Occupation?"

The German replies, "Nein, Nein, just visiting!"

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Business

Father: "I will marry you to a girl of my choice."

Son: "No fucking way!"

Father: "She is Bill Gates Daughter."

Son thinks shortly: "In that case... Okay."

Father visits Bill Gates.

"I would like to marry my son to your daughter."

Bill Gates, laughing: "No!"...

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Grandfather of the year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

\- "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Anothe...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I was snooping around in my wife's dresser drawers while she was gone over the weekend on a 'business trip' and you won't believe what I found. A whip, a mask and handcuffs! Do you know what this means???" he exclaims to the bartender. "My wife is a super h...

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

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your masturbation is none of my business

you do you

An Indian governor visits a Chinese governor on diplomatic business.

A wealthy Chinese governor was hosting an Indian governor at his governor's mansion, and he just couldn't resist boasting about how well he gamed the system to enrich himself. After a lavish lunch, he called the Indian governor over to his balcony window. Pointing at a magnificent bridge across the...

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A soldier was transferred to a fort far out west ...

After a grueling train journey from Kentucky, the soldier finally arrived in a small, dusty town in the middle of nowhere. He was met by a stage coach that had been procured to bring him to his new post at the fort 10 miles out of town. When he finally arrived, the sergeant greeted him and started g...

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A teacher comes up to a kid eating a snickers bar for lunch

He asks the kid if he thinks eating snickers is a healthy option for lunch.

The kid says "My grandma lived to be 102"

The teacher replies "wow. That's amazing. Did she eat Snickers for lunch every day?"

The kid says "No. She minded her own fucking business"

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

Did you hear Humpty Dumpty’s egg business posted record profits in Q3?

He had a great fall.

Round on a joke app: Three engineers and three accountants take a train for a business trip.

The accountants each buy themselves a ticket, then the engineers buy one. After turning to walk away, the accountants ask the other two engineers why they didn't get one. They say they don't need em to get there. "But how will you all ride the train?" Anyway, they all board the train and the three a...

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A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make every day?"

The guy replies nonchantly, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him 150 dollars, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks th...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

A Dutch Joke: A German is going to Amsterdam for a business trip

A German is going to Amsterdam for a business trip. After arriving he is walking while calling with his head office in German.

He then hears a boy behind him yell "excuse me sir! excuse me sir!"

The German turns around asks what's up.

The Dutch boy answers: "I am afraid you've l...

The Barbies

Few days before Christmas the father of a lovely 9yo girls goes to best you shop in town. He walks the lanes untill he finds a nice girl and asks her for help.

Dad: good afternoon. Please, can you help me choosing a Barbie doll for my daughter?

Shop assistant (SA): Sure Sir! How much w...

Dog

A salesman drops in to see a business customer. Not a soul is in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stares at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looks up and says, Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job. Incredible! ...

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