A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you te...

My friend was arrested for stealing in Saudi Arabia...

... fortunately he’d stolen a prosthetic hand.

Unfortunately it was a second offence.

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An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

No offence, its about a RUSSIAN policeman (Rus. Trans.)

A policeman comes home from work early and finds his wife naked and a pair of boots his never seen before at the door. He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says:"No one here, so where is he?". He goes to the kitchen. Checks under the table. Says: "No one h...

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One of my favorite jokes..

I heard this joke on a mission trip in 9th grade. I still laugh about it to this day.

A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died yesterday. They were immediately sent to hell because they had commited some pretty daunting offences in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, th...

A man was speeding down the motorway...

When a policeman saw him and began chasing him in hot pursuit.
When the man saw the blue lights in his mirror he began to speed up, getting further and further away and faster he went.
The policeman finally caught up when they hit traffic and pulled the man from his car.

Officer: Why di...

A man is sitting in a bar alone...

...after a few beers he needs to visit the restroom.

The restroom is empty except for one man by the urinal (one of those big stainless steel urinals without stalls).

The man walks over to the urinal and starts unzipping his pants.

He glances over at the other man and notices th...

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

Einstein vs an Indian

Disclaimer: **No Offence!**

Einstein & an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

Einstein says: "Let's play a game...I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..."

Einstei...

I found out my friend has been stealing garden gates recently.

I don’t want to confront him though incase he takes offence.

A woman is in court..

A woman is in court charged with beating her husband to death with his guitars.
As she stands there, the judge is looking over her offences and asks;

First offender?

The woman replies 'No, first a Gibson then a Fender'.

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman...

...are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
<...

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There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

Unemployed people

I have some jokes about the unemployed.

Actually it doesn't matter none of them work

A muscular man walks into the bar with a tiny ragged doll

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
“A whiskey, neat, keep it coming” orders the muscular man.
One drinks after another, the bartender finally gathers the courage to ask.
"Why did you carry that tiny ragged doll around?
No offence sir, but one would normally assume it’s not yours...

R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killin...

People on the Internet are like People in Overwatch

They always take offence

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, ...

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a studen...

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How is Trump different from Hitler?

Unlike Hitler Trump wants to round up every Juan.

Edit : No offence to Trump supporters or anyone!

Is Google a he or a she?

A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

(no offence to ladies)

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)


For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act ...

Lawyer Joke....

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put,...

What's the difference between yogurt and the US?

Yogurt's got a culture.



(no offence)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant in Spain...

He is seated by the waiter who offers him the special of the day, "Meatballs".
He orders the meatballs and waits for his meal to be served, whilst waiting he sees another man receive a plate with two HUGE meatballs, leaving him rather disappointed when his plate of regular sized meatballs arrives...

Stolen Gate

The other day, I looked out my window to see two guys stealing my side gate!

I didn't say anything to them though.

I didn't want them to take offence.

I was walking down the street one day..

and I saw a man taking a gate. I was going to say something but I thought he might take offence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

His first blowjob

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. Bu...

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