I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

In my defence,

I did just build a little fort.

My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...

...I've had a lot on my plate lately.

What is weaker than French defences during WWII?

Tea made by an American.

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

My little boy asked me today "dad when you were in college, did you live in a dorm just like the ones in Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," I said, "Pretty much. And even though we don't have defence against the dark art, every class is like defence against the dark art."

"Oh you mean you have to learn lot's of useful things?"

"No, it's just that our prefessor sucks ass, hates us and wanna fail us all the time."

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

Just lost my job as a zookeeper

In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

Trump chose his Secretary of Defence

But who will be Secretary of De Wall?

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

Why couldn’t Jackie Chan catch the corona?

He was very well trained in defence of Kung Flu.

Why do programmers hate designing flood defence simulations?

Because of the overflow errors!

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The Defence

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a s...

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

What do you call it when the last thing protecting the hero is a barrier out of wood?

A defence

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I know many people find it disgusting but I just can't stop having sex with my favourite vegetable.

And in my defence we were married for five years before her accident.

I got arrested for breaking and entering a car dealership ..

In my defence, the salesperson told me I could sleep on it.

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BREAKING NEWS!!!!

A woman is in the process of suing one of the country's leading hospitals, stating that following treatment her husband has lost all interest in sex with her.
The hospital concerned in their defence stated: "We merely rectified his vision."

My wife is divorcing me because I’m obsessed with Football coaching.

In my defence, I have J.J.Watt, Michael Bennett, and Richard Sherman.

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
...

My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes,...

If history has taught us something, it's that Germany should stay the hell away from Russia

Because they're not gonna win anything, and the opponents will breach their defence on the counterattack!

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Translated Slovakian joke

A guerilla fighter is caught by the Nazis during the uprising and is being interrogated. In his defence he says: "look my Grandpa was a great fighter, he shot 46 Soviet soldiers, so dont kill me please!" The Nazi guard asks him: "How do you know they were Soviet soldiers?" "Well, they all had SS on ...

Arrogance

Back in the days when Los Alamos was a small company town, a noted theoretical physicist was called as a witness for the prosecution. Rising to take the stand, the great man smiled and nodded affably in the direction of the jury box.

This infuriated the defence counsel. “Your Honor, I don’t ...

Good old Irish Granny....

Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Murphy, do you know m...

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A Man In Court

A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Fuck all," says the defendant.

The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?"

"He said 'fuck all' your honour."

The judge replies "are you sure, ...

"Don't knock it till you tried it!"

Doesn't help your defence in court.

A Woman Suing Her Husband

There was a lady suing her husband for abuse. Eventually she went crazy and tried to kill him via electrocution with some jumper cables, but it didn't work.
While the woman was on trial for his murder, she pleaded self-defence and explained how her had been beaten her. They had the husband on th...

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I often cry after sex.

But in my defence, I use a pretty big onion.

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football

In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves

The custody battle

A Man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get
custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honour!I carried the child for
nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour.She should be in my
custody". The judge turns to...

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