I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey,Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

What's the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club

You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.

What's the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?

You get the hoes out.

The first rule of flight club...

is to take flying lessons, also know how to read carefully.

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

So Tom is at a Ghetto Strip Club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

The first rule of Parent Club:

Don’t talk about activities in front of kids, unless fully prepared to engage in said activities.

A husband takes the wife to a night club.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

This girl I saw on the street told me that she knew me from the Vegeterian Club.

But I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore

The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.

I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.

What you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for decades ?

Church.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Brun...

A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

So my friend sent me an invitation to this club

He said that they arranged taco Tuesday at the club. I didn't really feel up to it so I initially declined. He said it was fine but then kept inviting me every week. Every week I kept declining until I eventually gave in and agreed to come.


"Why do you want me to go so badly?"

...

I recently subscribed to a "Spice of the Month" club

The thyme has come today...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

I still remember the last time I created my own version of Fight Club.

Come to think of it, it was around the same time I was fired from the YMCA...

My dad told me

Never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club.

Because you'll see something, you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

A man took his date to a local country club.

When they arrived, he told her to sit down and he would go fetch their food.

Well, at this country club, there were different lines for everything. He went and stood in the pot roast line. Then the vegetable line, the bread line, the gravy line, and the salt and pepper line.

Finally, ...

Have you guys heard about Fight Club? I went last night. Its pretty awesome, everyone should go.

I got there a few minutes late and missed some of the rules, but no problem!

A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says

"sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

The first rule of Fight Club is...

Just try your best guys, and have fun. Also, when it’s your turn to bring snacks be mindful of others’ allergies.

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

Did ya hear why they're closing down the eunuchs club?

Cause they lost all their members.

I went to a very busy night club last night

They had a sign that said: Complimentary Vallet up front.

They told me they liked my shoes and charged me $50.00 to park the car.

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

I was driving down the road when I passed a strip club that advertised it had "high caliber women".

To this day I still can't understand why they wouldn't want someone under 45 working there.

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

I’m thinking about starting a strip club/Thai restaurant.

Gonna call it “Right between the thai’s”

How to golf clubs reproduce?

They’re swingers!

Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It's open Mike night.

Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about Thesaurus Club.

I was at the club last night

And they played ‘Twist and Shout!’ So I started to Twist and Shout.
They then played ‘Jump Around’ so I started to jump around.
Then they played ‘Come on Eileen’ and they kicked me out!

A local nunnery started a fight club

Obviously such an event had to be very under the radar, so very few people knew about it.

One of my best friends aunts is a nun, so he invited me to go with him. I went once, immediately got hooked, and now we go every Tuesday night. I told my wife that I had to work late Tuesday nights, the...

What sound does a clock make when it's in a strip club

Thicc thot

I made a club about erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop, nobody came.

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.

&#x200B;

Ps: I am a German myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator.

He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute...

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

A company decides to build a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old woman was watching the news while waiting for her husband to return from the Elk's club

A breaking news story came on about a car driving the wrong away on the interstate.
Being worked for her husband's safety she called him.

"Bill I hope I haven't caught you too late," she said. "The news is reporting a car driving the wrong way down the interstate you use to come home. You ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bunch of fetishists are sitting around at their fetishists club bored trying to think up things to do.

Then one has an idea. The guy who's into bestiality says, "I wish we could find a cat and fuck it!"

The sadist says, "Yeah, and we could torture it before we fuck it!"

The necrophiliac says, "And then afterwards we'll kill it and fuck it again!"

The masochist says, "meow."

The singer Seal walks into a club.

Good thing he wasn't a baby.

Have you heard of the new club Pooh’s Honey Jar?

The bouncers name was Tigger!

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting

So I just came in my pants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to the club?

Drops him off at band practice

Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.

Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs?

Because he didn't like poles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club

and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night. When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have fr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

Why was the 17 blondes waiting outside the club?

Because it said you had to be 18 to get in

I made a friend at this chess club in Prague

Czech mate

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

I was at the club, dancing the other night

While on the dance floor, the DJ started playing the Twist, so I did the twist!

After that was done, he played the Bump, so I did the bump.

And after that one, the Macarena, same story.

Then 'Come on Eileen' came on... That's when I got kicked out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's a Health Club Trainer's job?

Making, JERKS BEEFY!

A frail old lady wanted to join a biker club...

She knocked on the door of a local biker club, and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed proudly, "I want to join your biker club."

The man was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed...

Why wouldn't a "Fight Club" video game sell well?

The marketing would be nonexistent.

There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" T...

What does an unchallenging mini-golf course have in common with a strip club?

During daytime hours they’re both sub-par

Club Attender: Man, that security guard really didn't like that soccer ball...

Club Attender 2: Yeah, he was kicked out.

Did you hear about the philosopher who went to the strip club?

He was deep in THOT.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Have you heard the one about Charlie Brooker's sex club?"

"No. Wait, what? Charlie Brooker has a sex club?"

"Yeah man, **wild** orgies, *very* selected members".

"Oh my. All right, so what happened?"

"One of the women attended an orgy and gave everyone gonorrhea".

"Oh Jesus! That's awful! What did Charlie do?"

"...

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

I missed my last two knitting club meetings...

I hope when I return I'm not out of the loop.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

In order to join our club, you must perform the dance

It's called 2 step verification

What is the first rule of fight club?

Never have it at the Saudi consulate

Someone at the club stole my glasses.

The rest of the night was a blur.

Two introverts walk into a club

Haha no they don't.

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

What is Link's favorite dance at the club?

Macarena of Time

Why don't you ever see Golf clubs that are "Made in China?"

Because you can't trust Asian Drivers.

I founded a club for growers not showers

It started out small, but our members are increasing in size every day.

How is a Canadien strip club different from today's US state funeral?

You can actually see Bush.

I went to a strip club and when my new girlfriend found out she went mental.

How was I supposed to know she worked there as a bartender?

A seal walks into a bar...

The bartender asks the seal what he would like to drink. The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian club.”

Welcome to book-binding club

Make yourself a tome.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once talked to a chick in the club. I said "you have a nice jeans, i would want to be inside of your jeans." She said "no need for that." I asked "why?"

She: "because there is already an asshole inside."

Group of beers get in line for a night club.

Doorman goes up to the empty one and says, "Your friends are alright, but you can't come in."

"Why not?" he asks.

"You're drunk!"

Do you know why they named it Club Penguin?

Because naming it Club Seal would've been a bit on the nose.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to the sexual innuendos club...

I'd like to thank you all for coming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the best part about going to an amputee strip club?

Place is crawling with pussy.

I just visited a posh strip club in Northern Canada.

They call it Brrrlesque.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club!

It’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

Geez this is the worst Spice of the Month Club ever

The year starts cumin and it don’t stop cumin

I tried to get a job at a health club...

but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.