My dad said 'Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't.

So i went in and he was right.





I saw my dad.

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Dog with two assholes.

There were two police officers standing outside of a club with a dog beside them. Every so often someone comes from inside the bar, lifts the dog's tail and goes away. After a while, a police officer asks a guy "Why do you people keep looking under our dog's tail?" The guy answers "I heard there is ...

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10 years is a long time.

One day, this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," He thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, even a raft.

Suddenly...

A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from Vegan Club.

Pretty sure I’d never met herbivore

As the owner of the BDSM club, I'd love to waive your entry fee, but I can't do that...

...my hands are tied!

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Bastard!

A wife comes home from a girl's night out, sneaks quietly and drunkenly into the bedroom, but before she gets in bed, she realises she sees 4 feet, not 2.

"That cheating bastard" she thinks, "I leave the house for barely 6 hours of booze and he already took the opportunity to invite some floo...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

Where do mediaeval soldiers hang out when they're off duty?

At the knight club

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

That's the 3rd time in 3 weeks

That I've been to camouflage club, and no one else was there!

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

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Don’t mess with Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods as well, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for his ball for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a...

What did Julius Caesar say after visiting a strip club?

Veni vidi veni

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Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

Golf

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car a policeman stopped him and asked "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes." the golfer responded. ...

My dad told me to never go to a cheap, sleezy, raunchy strip club, because you will see something you really shouldn’t

So I went…

I saw my dad

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Autopsy club meeting Saturday!

Its open Mike night.

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf ...

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

Mike Tyson starts a club to dispute the fundamental rules of mathematics

He names it: “The Math Debate Club”

There was a lot of confusion in their first meeting.

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 25 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

They opened a strip club in an old church in my town...

... heard they are gonna name it Thots and Prayers.

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

(Edited from Tennis to Golf.)

New parents always brag about how magical it is, but their friends never understand why until they themselves have kids. Only then can they feel the strong evolutionary emotion...

...of making a major mistake and wanting your friends to be stuck in the same barrel with you for the next two decades. Welcome to the club Doug, now go forth and tell the others how magical it is.

The president of my chess club was arrested today.

Apparently he had a chequered past.

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

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A joke from Berlusconi

It's 10 pm and a rich businessman, Mr. Bestetti, is working at his home office when his wife enters the room shouting: "I have talked with our priest, he told me everything! You cheat on me by going to the strip club! I am going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce, and you'll give me half of every...

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A girl comes home from college for the first time.

After asking her about classes and friends and clubs and the dorm, her mother finally works up the courage to ask "so now that you're away from home and on your own, are you sexually active?"

The daughter says "no". And the mom releases a breath she didn't realize she was holding. Then the da...

Groucho Marx

I would not belong to any club that would have me as a member

Baby Seals are some of the best animals to party with!

Until we made the unfortunate decision to go clubbing...

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what're you in for

A Psychiatry student is sent to the mental hospital to evaluate 3 of the worst cases in the country. He's lead down a stairwell into the basement where there's three heavy locked iron doors. He unlocks the first and goes inside.

Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms li...

A man's ship sinks and he finds himself marooned on a deserted island. After a 2 months, a beautiful woman in a wetsuit swims ashore.

"I bet it's been a while since you had a beer." she says. "Oh, boy has it ever!" the man replies and she proceeds to pull an ice cold beer out of a pocket of the wet suit and hands it to him.

"I bet it's been a while since you had a cigar." she says. "My, it has been so long!" and she proce...

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what a conundrum

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby...

I swear if I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things

I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

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I’m starting a married-parents swingers club

You show up and don’t have sex with someone else’s spouse.

A baby seal walks into a bar

The barman ask "what'll ya have?" The
seal replies "anything but the
Canadian Club!"

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So there’s two new members of the gun club…

…they go up to one of the oldest members and ask; “could you tell us a favourite hunting story of yours?” The old man replies; “why sure! We were out in Africa hunting some good game, it was a hot day. I was sitting up next to a tree when all of a sudden a lion jumped out at me and went ROAAARRR!!! ...

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I started a "magnetic penises" club

But it didn't attract many members

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The gun club wouldn’t let me join until I proved I could ejaculate bullets.

It took me a while but eventually I came a round.

A stranded man

Young man’s fishing boat is blown off course and he ends up stranded on a small island. He gets along OK but he’s very lonely. Then, one day, A yacht sinks off of his island. A young woman, the only survivor, swims ashore wearing a wetsuit. He greets her and she is surprised to find somebody else on...

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is:

You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

Finally did it! We are in the 1% Club

Now trying to get rid of the low battery warning.

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The Golfer's Dilemma

You're playing in your club championship. The final round is just you and one other guy, match play. One the 18th tee you're up 1 with honors. You smack your drive straight down the middle; the best drive you've hit all day. Your opponent steps up and hooks one into the woods.



You do...

My grandma told me this one.

An older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same h...

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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A man wakes up in hospital covered in bruises with a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The nurse asks him what happened. 'well, I was teaching my wife to play golf when her ball flew into a field of cows, we went looking for it, and I found it wedged perfectly between a cows arse cheeks. I pointed at it and said hey, this one looks like yours!!!'.

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It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

that you do not talk, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, prattle, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse, discourse, orate or speak about Thesaurus Club.

Someone really needs to start a procrastination club

Maybe I'll get around to doing that tomorrow

What does a monk say in the club?

Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha everywhere

I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together. I asked one of them, 'What the hell is going on?'

He said, 'First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club'

Why did the local Gentleman’s club shut down?

Nobody wants twerk anymore

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

CHURCH

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I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

Went to my first fight club last night

I got there a bit late so I missed the orientation but wow it was amazing. If anyone wants more information, let me know!

\- credit to my friend Brian who popped this one off last night. He's not a very original sort so I'm sure he stole it from somewhere.

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

I went to a really, REALLY progressive high school.

So progressive, in fact, that the football team was bullied by the dungeons and dragons club.

Most of you had the starting varsity quarterback as the homecoming king, but ours was a level 8 Paladin.

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

A man is invited to a posh private golf course by his boss.

The place is great! They enjoy a round of golf and at the clubhouse the boss says "Get yourself a shower while I talk to my friends here; I'll see you in the restaurant."
He goes in, turns left to the showers, and is just coming out of a stall when he hears female voices! He's in the *womens* s...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

Trophy Girlfriend

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.

They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies...

A boy comes home from a strip club to find his mother waiting for him

Already aware of what her son had been doing, she asks, “And what did you see, young man?”

“Something I wasn’t supposed to.”

“Oh? Your father?”

“No, your mother.”

Jesus and Moses were playing some Golf

As they approached one particular hole, a short Par 3, with a pond where the hole was located right at the edge of the pond.

You know, Moses, this hole is designed just like hole 15 at Pinehurst. I once watched Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to get a hole in one here!

As he pulled out his...

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Your mothers so fat

They started calling her Hitler at the strip club for all the damage she did to the Poles.

I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

I was at a night club till 3 am yesterday celebrating my wife’s birthday.

When I came back home, she was furious.

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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I was asked to speak at a club for helping people with premature ejaculation. I asked what I should wear to the speech:

They told me I could just come in my pants

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

So, the Pope dies and goes to heaven...

He approached the pearly gates as angelic music plays around him and soft light baths him.

Knocking, he is surprised when Hari Krishna open the gate to him.

"Hello. Who are you?" He says in a thick Indian accent.

"I'm the Pope."

"Great. What is a Pope?"

"The head...

Clubbing

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was the club last night?" the bartender asks. "Horrible, there wasn't a single girl in the place," the guy replies. "So what did you do?" the bartender asks. "Oh, I hit on a married one," the guy replies.

The groceries decide to turn the fridge into a club

They each get assigned jobs for the club. The beef guards the front door, the veggies sell ticket, the soy sauce serves the drinks…

And the bacon strips.

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ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stup...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

What’s the difference between fight club and narcissist club?

You always talk about narcissist club.

My friend Will joined a spice-of-the-month club but got the same spice each month since January

I'm like, "Will, the year starts cumin and it don't stop cumin."

My Club

A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge, dead rhino with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" The pigmy said, "Yes." The hunter asked, "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonish...

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

Did you hear about the unprofitable chain of comedy clubs that went public through an IPO?

It has now become the laughing stock.

A man asks for vodka in a club(true story)

So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of vodka cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but y...

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

In 1974, Volkswagen introduced the Golf to Europe as a small car with a trunk large enough to stuff your golf clubs…

American companies would follow the success of this model, with Ford soon releasing the “Escort” in 1980.

*still working on this one

The first annual meeting of the camouflage club was disastrous.

It looked like nobody showed up.

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay

It's got prose and cons.

Welcome to the Assumption Club

I think we all know why we are here.

Why did the mathematician go to the strip club?

He was trying to find the x.

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Gotcha!

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better then I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'"

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
...

Did you hear that a flock of ducks attacked the American Kennel Club event?

It happened because all the dogs were pure bread.

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Rescued at last...

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for years before he is found. On the helicopter ride back to civilization, a rescuer asks him where he wants to go first.
The man says, "After all this time, there is only one thing I want. A woman!"
The rescuer responds, "The best I can do it t...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

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A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the naturalists had a "more humane" solution. What ...

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Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...

Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!

Stacy: OMG! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!

Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

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Some breaking English football news.

Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,

club doctors confirm.

There's no way they can catch anything..

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A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

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Three guys are captured by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will be put to death and eaten, and their skins will be used to make canoes. But they can each choose their manner of death.

The first guy says he wants it to be quick and requests to be thrown off a cliff. So they tie him up and toss him off a cliff. The second g...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

NSFW Guy is in the front row at the strip club.

NSFW

He’s quietly drinking and tipping the dancers when a particularly beautiful girl comes out and begins a sensual strip tease. The guy behind him immediately starts whooping and calling out, “yeah baby! take it off! Take it off!! woo hoo!”

As she gets completely naked and leaves the...

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped b...

The first rule of Condescending club......

is kind of complex, and I don't think you would understand it, even if I explained it to you !

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A Bear and a Blueberry Walk Into a Strip Club

And they both walk towards the same stripper. After a while, the bear turns over to the blueberry and says, "You know what, Richard, you and I are a lot more alike than we seem." The blueberry says, "How do you figure that, Bob?" and Bob says, "Well, as you can see, we both like our women plump and ...

Missed Orientation Class of Fight Club

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

Not mine and could be old but this will not age

I understand and support the Women's National Republican Club's concerns about getting the Covid-19 Shot....

To many of us it seams like a simple task, you go in, they jab you with a little needle and 1 second later its out and your done.

But think of it from a Republican Woman's point of view. That little needle is twice the size of anything that has ever poked her before and is going to be in her ...

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

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A man joins a new hunting club.

His first night at the lodge, he asks around for the guy with the best hunting stories.

“The man over there in the wheelchair is named James. He’s 90 years old and has been hunting all over the world for 70 years. He’s got some great stories”.

So the man walks over, introduces himself...

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A man is like a deck of playing cards

A woman once said, " a man is like a deck of playing cards ...you need :

**A Heart** to love him,

**A Diamond** to marry him,

**A Club** to smash his fucking head in, and

**A Spade** to bury the prick.

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

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What can you say in a book club and during sex?

I am almost through but I haven't reached the climax yet

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I opened a club for premature ejaculators.

It didn't last long.

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

A rodent just ran through my kitchen…

I got him with my Mickey Mouse club.

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

A man opens up a pool Club

A man opens a pool club. It’s the only one in town so hundreds of people swim in it everyday.
The man however never swims in the pool himself. One day someone sees him taking a shower under a tap. The persons asks why doesn’t he just swim in his pool.
The man says,” Are you crazy? I fill the p...

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp ... [long]

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp.

He was urinating on one of the camp’s flowerbeds when he was arrested and given a punishment to move a pile of some 1000 bricks from a shed to a nearby site on the camp where some construction ...

What do golfers always do if they have a country club membership?

Clubbing

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

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How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

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