What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

New woman joins a golf club.

When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will ...

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...

...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

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Man goes to the doctors

he's having problems with premature ejaculation, the Doc says when you feel yourself coming you have to give yourself a fright and that will prolong ejaculation.

Two days later he is back in the doctors office and the Doc says how did it go?

Well, not to good, we were in the 69 positio...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

I forgot to keep my subscription to Scrabble Club up to date.

Now they've started sending me threatening letters.

Karen one day called a men's club looking for her husband...

Karen: Hello, is my husband there?

Manager: I'm sorry, he is not here.

Karen about to hang up realised something

Karen: I realised I haven't mentioned his name, how do you know whose wife I am?

Manager: It doesn't matter ma'am. All the husbands give out the same instructi...

I tried to join a club for the directionally challenged

I couldn't find the meeting

What do you call a club for child molesters

Prison

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..

..but I've never seen herbivore.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

Country Club Raffle

Every evening an older gentlemen would venture down to the local country club. This club had a large room in which there were several comfortable chairs, as well as a billiards table. The gentleman would enter the club, buy a cheap drink, sit in the same chair and read from his newspaper.

The...

I once went at a strip-tease club and entered a door with "women" written on it

Sadly there were only toilets

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At the club where my bud is staring at a lady's boobs.

Her: My face is up here.

(Looks up, goes back to boobs.)

Him: Yeah, but these look better.

What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet

click here if you want to join the peepee club

urine

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I've had it,I'm going to divorce my wife , first it was some random guy in a club,then her ex, her boss,our mailman, my best friend and even her stepbrother...

I just love sucking cocks!!!

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

Two english lords in India have a tradition of taking a whisky together at the club every evening at 7

Unfortunately, one day, one of them is called back to England for family business. So in order to perpetuate their tradition, the two friends decide they would both have two glasses of whisky every evening at 7, one for themself and one for the other lord on the other side of the globe.

After...

I was in the strip club watching one of the women on the pole.

I leaned forward and shouted, "Mind if I have a dance?"

"Oh, honey, no problem," she smiled.

"Thanks," I said, ripping off my shirt. "Move over then, it's my turn."

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

I Joined the Debate Club.

The Mass Debate Club.

The Golf Club

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at Surbiton Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
...

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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with...

What do you call a book club that's has been stuck on one book for years?

The church!

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

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Welcome to the premature ejaculation club

A lot of you came early , can’t say I’m surprised

I’m starting a club that prints out and mails content from r/jokes to people without internet.

It’ll be called the re-postal service.

It is the day that the shirt numbers are assigned at Coxyham High School Football Club.

Bob, a brilliant player, goes next to coach Mr. Jordan and asks "Hey coach, can I get the number 7? That is my favourite number. Plus, it's the number that Cristiano Ronaldo uses and I think it is the perfect shirt number for a left winger like myself. Please!" "I'll look into it," said Mr. Jordan a...

The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.

I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.

I went to a crazy Amish strip club.

It was bonnetless.

Excuse me, is this the nostalgia club?

Yes, but it's not the same as it was back then...

Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

Just got in anonymous alcoholic club,

Its been four days im getting drunk with strangers.

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When the DJ at a club played "Jump," we all jumped.

When he played "Come On Eileen," we all ended up with a court date for sexual assault.

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

The local strip club had a sale.

Their sign said a penny for our thots.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

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A ventriloquist was performing at a club.

With his dummy on his knee,he begins his routine with a series of dumb blonde jokes.Suddenly,a blonde stands up and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of these dumb blonde jokes!What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with there worth ...

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Sam got thrown out a Strip club for using monopoly money.

Sam's logic - Why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

Was almost in the club last night but got dragged out by the bouncer.

"Are u 18?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

"Can't let u in then," he replied.

As I walked out I thought to myself, "this is the 3rd club I've been at tonight. What does a 22 year old have to do to get inside?"

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Brun...

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

I was going for a club where it was this rule - "people only with Brown Bow tie are allowed".

I entered the club and saw people were wearing other clothes too.

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I just watched Fight Club for the first time and I gotta say...

Oh shit, I almost broke the first rule.

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

What's the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club

You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

What clubs do drivers belong to?

Golf clubs

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

Why was the golfer kicked from the animal rights club?

He hit a birdie

The first rule of flight club...

is to take flying lessons, also know how to read carefully.

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!



As the two people from different regi...

Welcome to Alzheimer’s club

Now the first rule of Alzheimer’s club is that....we don’t talk about chess club

What are 17 blondes doing in front of a club?

Waiting for the 18th because "No Entry Under 18".

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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

My friend just collapsed into a display of golf clubs,

Paramedics are doing what they can but he’s not out of the woods yet.

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I walked into the club and all the pussies were poppin

I don't know why they inflated them so much.

What's the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?

You get the hoes out.

What do you call the stage at a Polish strip club?

Empty. It only has a Pole.

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

I made a club about erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop, nobody came.

A husband takes the wife to a night club.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

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One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

The first rule of Parent Club:

Don’t talk about activities in front of kids, unless fully prepared to engage in said activities.

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

My dad told me

Never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club.

Because you'll see something, you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

I'm opening a new club called r/jokes.

It's gonna play the same song in a loop forever.

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

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Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

A man took his date to a local country club.

When they arrived, he told her to sit down and he would go fetch their food.

Well, at this country club, there were different lines for everything. He went and stood in the pot roast line. Then the vegetable line, the bread line, the gravy line, and the salt and pepper line.

Finally, ...

A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says

"sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

A local nunnery started a fight club

Obviously such an event had to be very under the radar, so very few people knew about it.

One of my best friends aunts is a nun, so he invited me to go with him. I went once, immediately got hooked, and now we go every Tuesday night. I told my wife that I had to work late Tuesday nights, the...

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

I recently subscribed to a "Spice of the Month" club

The thyme has come today...

Did ya hear why they're closing down the eunuchs club?

Cause they lost all their members.

I’m thinking about starting a strip club/Thai restaurant.

Gonna call it “Right between the thai’s”

Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about Thesaurus Club.

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

So my friend sent me an invitation to this club

He said that they arranged taco Tuesday at the club. I didn't really feel up to it so I initially declined. He said it was fine but then kept inviting me every week. Every week I kept declining until I eventually gave in and agreed to come.


"Why do you want me to go so badly?"

...

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A man goes to a strip club with an alligator.

He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute...

I still remember the last time I created my own version of Fight Club.

Come to think of it, it was around the same time I was fired from the YMCA...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

Have you guys heard about Fight Club? I went last night. Its pretty awesome, everyone should go.

I got there a few minutes late and missed some of the rules, but no problem!

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I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

I was at the club last night

And they played ‘Twist and Shout!’ So I started to Twist and Shout.
They then played ‘Jump Around’ so I started to jump around.
Then they played ‘Come on Eileen’ and they kicked me out!

The first rule of Fight Club is...

Just try your best guys, and have fun. Also, when it’s your turn to bring snacks be mindful of others’ allergies.

What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.



Ps: I am a German myself.

I was driving down the road when I passed a strip club that advertised it had "high caliber women".

To this day I still can't understand why they wouldn't want someone under 45 working there.

John, a high school student, wants to join an afterschool club.

He looks through the catalog and decides on Yearbook. One day after school, he walks through the halls but realizes he doesn't know which room is Yearbook.

Finally, after looking around for 10 minutes, he gives up. He sees a room which has people editing photos inside. Thinking it must be Ye...

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

I went to a very busy night club last night

They had a sign that said: Complimentary Vallet up front.

They told me they liked my shoes and charged me $50.00 to park the car.

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