This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club...

It was open Mike night.

What’s the first rule of vegan fight club?

Tell everyone.

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

"Excuse me, sir, is this the Nostalgia Club"?

"Yeah man, but let me tell you, it ain't what it used to be!"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me... are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

"Sure, go ahead if you really like it."

"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealershi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club

Thank you all for coming.

What’s it called when a not important person sneaks into the VIP section of a strip club?

a NIP slip

Can't wait to go clubbing again.

The seal population is getting out of hand.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

A Church.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man when it’s his first time at a sex club?

A newcummer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over ...

What's the difference between a circus and strip club?

One is a cunning display of stunts...

My local night club has had to fire their resident DJ

Apparently he wasn't up to scratch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took a girl home after clubbing last night.

After a few drinks, we went up stairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said " i hope thats not that fat one from last week" the girl said "what the fuck was that" ? i said its that bastard memory foam matress.

I don't get why Clubbing Seals is so controversial?

I mean, I'm kinda curious what sort of music they listen to?

A man joins a very exclusive Nudist Club

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man re...

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had my first pre-ejaculation club meeting today

I came extra early. No one was surprised.

Someone at the club stole my glasses.

>!The rest of the night was a blur.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees an ad in the paper for a Big Dick club.

He decides he wants to join, so he goes to the next meeting.

He walks up to the secretary and says, “I’d like to join the big dick club.”

She responds, “How big is your dick?”

“Eighteen inches.”

The secretary bursts out into uncontrollable laughter. Not knowing what’s w...

Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Bill and Tom went to the country club for a round of golf

Bill takes his practice swings and checks the wind then takes his swings again. After about 10 minutes of taking practice swings and checking the wind Tom starts getting aggravated and yells.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BILL TAKE YOUR DAMN SWING ALREADY!”.

Bill turns to look at Tom and says....

I got to bang a 10/10 cougar after a night at the club

Now I'm banned from the local zoo..

A man is stuck outside of a club trying to get in.

The man was outside trying to get in but the bouncer kept denying him. Another guy walks by and is stopped by the first man. The man said, "hey buddy, can you go in there and get my wife? I saw her go in there with some guy! I'll give you $50! She's blonde and is wearing a blue dress! Bring her out...

Drove by a new strip club earlier that serves sushi

It was called Bento-ver.

Before the quarantine I was going to strip clubs almost every day

But now they're all clothed until further notice.

A lottery winner celebrates by buying himself a Rolls-Royce and membership of the local golf club.

Obviously when he gets the car he has to drive it straight round to the golf club and make sure all the members get to see it, and he's ostentatiously buying drinks for the whole bar but sticking to lemonade himself because he's "got to drive the Roller home later, you know", and when it's time to g...

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club?

He heard there would be an open Mike.

I met my wife at a night club...

- Wow! How romantic!

- Oh, can't be more romantic than that! I thought she was home with kids sleeping.

Which animal was the best at girls scout club

A Badge-r

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A well-traveled man goes to a strip club

When he gets a lap dance from one of the strippers, he asks if she is Chilean

‘Yes, I am!’ she says ‘How did you know?’

‘Well’ says the man ‘Much like Chile, you are tall and slim’

He later gets a lap dance from another stripper, and asks if she is Swiss

‘Yes, I am!’ she ...

I walked past a woman in the club who was dancing on the table.

She was at least 300lb.

I said "those are some strong legs!"

She smiled and said "Thanks!"

I said "I was talking about the table."

Last night I hooked up with a girl I met at a club. She seemed nervous about going back to my place, so I told her a few jokes to help her relax.

I lolled her into a false sense of security.

I see the strip clubs are still open...

For take out only.

I got kicked out of the strip club

Well if you put "strip" in the name I'm gonna do it.

'Welcome to the turbocharger club'

'But I don't want to join the turbocharger club!'


'We're going to MAKE you a member, whether you like it or not'


'How?'


'Forced induction'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to coronavirus, an all nude strip club owner put out a sign at the entrance of notifying customers of halted business operations

“Clothed for business”

in honor of 35 years this month,joke told in cieling of the movie The breakfast club.

A naked woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder, bartender says hey nice pig...It' not a pig the woman says back...Bartender answers...I was talking to the parrot.

Ceiling oops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

The first rule is passive aggressive club is:

You know what, never mind, it’s fine.

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tries to join the Big Dick Club...

He goes to the front desk and they ask him how big his dick is. "15 inches." He replies with a proud grin. But the guy at the desk just laughs. Everyone in the room just laughs at this poor guy. He sulks. Ashamed, he heads toward the door, but a janitor stops him. "Hey, don't feel bad. They deny a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to a golf club.

He goes to the desk and the secretary says: “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow blacks in our club. There is a club 10 minutes down the road that accepts black people.”

Usain goes berserk and yells: “Do you even know who I am? I’m Usain fucking Bolt!”

“Oh I’m sorry.” replies the secretary. ...

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

Saw a strip club across the street from the Mini Golf course.

I’m just trying to have a nice afternoon with my kids and I look across the street and see a bunch of losers playing mini golf.

A baby seal walks into a club..

It blubbers.

A man and his girlfriend were dancing in a club

The man gets thirsty and decides to go and find a drink. He tries the bar but the line is really long and he wants to get back to his girlfriend. He decides that the water cooler might be a better option but when he gets there the line is also really long. He is getting worried about his girlfriend ...

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. ...

One hotdog says to another, “You been to that German night club yet?”

“Nah, too krauted.”

An old shepherd was watching his sheep and resting himself on a very tall club.

A youngster notices him, while passing by, greets him and asks:
"Sir, why are you standing like that?"
He replies: "Like what?"
"Like that: stretching your legs. Why don't you cut off some of that club."


The shepherd takes his hands off the club and points at it:
"Ho...

Why do Canadians not play club penguin

Because they club seals

I took a poll from all the local strip clubs.

100% of them wants their poles back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A club I was at had a vending machine that dispensed packets of cologne. I put a quarter in it, turned the knob, and nothing came out.

I guess the machine was out of odor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

After starting the Lonely Hearts Club Band and getting honorably discharged, Sgt. Pepper did the one thing he always wanted to do...

Get a doctorate.

Nobody showed up to the sign language club.

It’s too bad nobody has ever heard of it.

I caught my Dad in a strip club the other day.

I was going to tell mum, but he was making good tips and we could do with the money.

"Son, stay out of strip clubs"

My dad once told me to never go inside a strip club or else I might regret doing it for the rest of my life. So of course I went in. Who wouldn't.

He was right.

I saw my dad.... stripping

A man and his wife were sitting having breakfast when the wife said...

"If I were to die would you get married again?".

The man said "That's a terrible thing to say. It's such a beautiful morning and we're having a wonderful breakfast together you bring up this horrible thing about death. Forget about it."

But his wife didn't forget about it and she brou...

The Pope dies and arrives at Heaven's gates.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy."

I said, "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!"

Every time I go to my favorite restaurant I order the club sandwich.

I've been doing this for years and I'm not even a member.

What do you call an Italian strip club?

Spaghetti-hoes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the airline stewardess say to the passenger who whispered in her ear that his last dying wish was to join the mile high club?

*I don't give a flying fuck.*

I wanted to start a procrastinator club

But I've decided to wait

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

A Republican Senator walks into a club

The bouncer asks, "We have Julie Evi here tonight. Want to stick around for the show?"

The Republican Senator promptly left, saying, "I don't want to see Evi dance."

Baby seal walks into a club.

Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his new hunting dog

A man is sitting at the bar of his local gun club with a few of his buddies after finishing their trap shoot. As they enjoy a cold beer, a man and his dog enter the bar. After a few minutes of pleasantries, the man with the dog says "Yea, this dog is incredible. I don't have to sit around and wait f...

What should you ask the guy who started acting stupid, got kicked out of the club, and is now stood in the rain outside with no mates?

You k?

Did you hear about the girl who wasn't accepted into the emo club?

She couldn't make the cut.

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new member of a big game hunting club shows up to a the welcoming ceremony

The young member wants to hear some great hunting stories so he finds the oldest man at the ceremony and says "Sir, I know you have some great hunting stories, tell me your best one."

The old man is happy to share his experiences with the young member. He starts out by saying "it was 1947, me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

Jeb Bush is respectful at strip clubs...

...he tells the dancers to “please clap” them cheeks.

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf Lessons

A lady decided she wanted to spend more time with her golf nut husband. Smartly she went directly to the club pro seeking advice. He took her to the range and told her to hit a ball so he could assess her swing. She did and the ball went 10 feet out in front of her. He suggested she adjust her stanc...

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bender’s Breakfast Club unfinished joke

Saw this online so I thought I’d post it for everyone else wondering what it would be.

A naked blonde walks into a bar carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other.

So the bartender says “So I don’t suppose you’ll be needing a drink?”


The blonde says ...

I think that cop had a great time yesterday

I overheard him say he was out all night clubbing

|

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Scottish Castaway

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island
for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

Jack slammed the door and threw his clubs down.

“What’s wrong?” asked his wife.

Jack replied, “I still have a perfect swing at 80 years old, but my eyes are so bad I can’t see where the ball went!”

“Oh dear, but you love to golf. Take Arnold next time.”

“Arnold is 102!”

“Yes, but he has 20/20 vision.”

Jack reluc...

Celebrity Race-car Driver Lewis Hamilton Walk into a country golf club in England

He sees the woman on reception and enquires about joining the club.

Looking slightly disappoint, the woman at the desk tells Lewis that unfortunately the club has a very old rule which states only white people can become members.

She apologises for the out of date rule but says that ...

Lindsey was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... it was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

...

The lady at the wholesale club asked me "Do you want a box for your produce?".

I said, "Sure! I'll fight you for the peaches."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

A man goes to an open mic at the local jazz club

He gets on stage and starts scatting.

He's promptly arrested for indecent exposure.

Two men playing golf

Two men were playing golf at the club one day. One gentleman was winning easily. Not only was he winning, but he was enjoying his victory, rubbing it in with sarcastic asides. The loser didn't accept the defeat or the ignominy graciously; but he did endure them silently.

In the clubhouse lock...

A lady walks out of a health club...

A beggar approaches her and says "Please, I've not had anything to eat in two days."

She looks at him and replies "God, I wish I had your willpower."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a Marine general

an Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy Admiral sitting in the club arguing about who's enlisted members have the biggest balls.

So the Navy Admiral tells a Seaman, "That guy standing at the end of the bar, go kick his ass " So he goes over and proceeds to kick his ass. The Admiral ...

I lost my watch at the club the other day, I saw a man stepping on it while harassing the bartender.

I went up and punched him in the face, nobody does that to a girl. Not on my watch.

The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are captured by a group of Cannibals.

The men are tied up and brought before leader of the cannibals. The leader says to the men "My people are hungry, but I will let you make your case. Then I will decide your fate."

The first man, hair slicked back and dressed in an expensive suit, begins, "I am very wealthy, and I have founded...

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

How did the cop break quarantine?

He went clubbing with his coworkers

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club

So i just came in my pants

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.