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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.....

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

*Dad walks into strip club*

Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?”

I went to the strip club last night and it was closed...

I guess nobody wants to twerk anymore.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

Growing up my Mom told me to never go to the strip club on the edge of town because I would see things I really shouldn’t see.

As soon as I got a fake ID my friends and I went.

I saw my Mom there.

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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How easy is it to join the piss kink club?

Just show up and urine

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

So a baby seal walks into a club.

Ooops didn't read the rules. But it's a short one. Been awhile since the seal hunters got a lot of publicity though.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

This girl told me today that she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

What did Julius Caesar say when he went to the strip club?

Veni, vidi, veni.

The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she

Drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. The doctor said Wow I have never seen...

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What is the difference between a vibrator and the 12 European Super League club owners?

The European Super League owners are real dicks.

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Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.

Thank you all for coming..

I have an idea for a restaurant, it’s a mixture of Jimmy John’s and a strip club

I’ll call it “Jimmy Dongs”

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Best Husband Ever!

The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

...

The Nudist Club

(Long)

A man joins an extremely exclusive nudist club. The first day in the camp he undresses and starts walking around a bit uncomfortably. The first person he meets is an extremely beautiful busty blonde and the man gets an erection immediately. The woman notices his erection, comes up to h...

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There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

The first rule of tautology club...

...is the first rule of tautology club.

Cemeteries are like very expensive exclusive clubs

They are overcrowded and people are dying to get in

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

I joined a debate club today, when I arrived everyone was pleasuring themselves

They were mass debating.

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

The teacher told the girls in the class to start screaming and running out of class every time John lied

It was the perfect revenge prank

Once John entered, the teacher asked why he was late, he answered “They’re building a strip club right across my house”

The girls then started screaming and running out of class, John just looked confused and said

“chill out hoes they’re not hir...

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

What did the golden shower club tell me when the accepted my application?

Urine.

A guy goes to a strip club with his friends

As they enter they see a huge naked fat chick dancing in the table. The guy says “Nice legs” and the fat lady replies “Oh you really think so?”. The guy then says “Yeah definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now”

Please excuse any mistakes you may see as english is not my first langu...

A husband returns and tells his wife he spent her money at the strip club

The wife is angry and asks? "You went to the strip club and spent my money? I told your to spend my money on some fruit from the grocery store!"

And the husband sighs and says, "No, you told me to spend it on a pair of melons. Do I look like a mind reader to you?"

Why were all the ladies checking out the dentist at the night club?

Because he was flossin’...

Buh dum tisssss

What do you call a chess club bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chessnuts boasting in an open foyer

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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion ...

Everyone was really excited at the Autopsy Club

It was open Mike night

My local off-licence has started hosting a book club.

First up is Tequila Mockingbird.

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How did the stripper know she was the most popular dancer at the club?

She took a poll.

Typical! No one has turned up at Camouflage Club

Again!

I once had an offer to join a secret club, where anyone who asked questions would be permanently banned.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

A man and a golf club walk into a bar.

The golf club asks for a drink but the man refuses. When the golf club asked why, the man replied,

"Because you'll be driving later."

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

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What do you call a motorcycle club comprised entirely of bisexual monarchs from Scandinavia?

The Bikings.

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk.

The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said

“Yes””oui””si””ja”

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

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I asked a stewardess if she wanted to help me join the mile high club...

She informed me she didn't give a flying fuck.

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A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?" Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah-are y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-sure?!" Purring, she panted, "Yes!" I shot out...

"Really, because I can drink a lot of whisky, you know!?"

This one is from my 9yo, Have you heard about the leader of the fat club?

I've heard he's wiiiiidely appreciated.

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Three tourists are hiking through a massive jungle when suddenly a group of tribesmen pounce on them.

The tourists are surrounded by the tribe who all wield spears or clubs.

The tribe leader comes forth to them and says:
"We have caught you trespassing on our land. You'll be killed but it is tradition in our tribe to give you one final wish which we will fulfill to our greatest extent."...

My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health.

He's always had one foot in the rave.

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A ventriloquist was performing in a club telling dumb blonde jokes...

With his dummy on his knee, he begins his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the audience stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a person's hair...

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

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Enrollment in the Penis Club has skyrocketed.

So many members!

The difference between a rich man at a strip club and a poor man at a strip club.

The rich man shows up to spend lots of cash and have a good time.

The poor man is there to take his sister home.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

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An Irishman’s daughter had not been home for over five years. [long]

Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us at all? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get out, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! Y...

“Is this the nostalgia club?”

“Yes...but it isn’t what it used to be...”

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The Curious Wife

"Honey," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked ...

Jazz club

A demon walks into a jazz club and someone walks up to him and asks, “why aren’t you at a black metal concert?” To which the demon answers, “why would I? No one likes religious music”

I joined a club...

It's called Fight Club. I was a little late to the first meeting so I missed the introductory rules, but I highly recommend it for everyone and would love to discuss it with anyone who's interested.

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards.

You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade.

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(NSFW) A leper goes to a sex club. A girl takes him into a room. When they finish, he says...

“You can keep the tip.”

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This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.

"Sex?" she asked.

"Male," I replied.

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A man was stranded alone on a desert island for 10 years

A beautiful woman in a skin-tight wetsuit washes up on shore and walks up to him. She asks, "How long has it been since you had a drink?"

"About ten years," the man says. The woman unzips her wetsuit a little at the neck, pulls out a flask, hands it to the man and he drinks deeply.

"H...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

Mr Munger

Mr. Munger is lying poolside at the country club when the club manager approached him. "Mr. Munger, some of the other members have been complaining about you peeing in the pool," said the manager. "Oh c'mon," said Munger. "Why are you you singling me out? I'll bet everyone here pees in the pool!" Th...

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The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

All golfers are a fan of Cardi B...

When they swing the club it goes *WAP*

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So I went to the local strip club.

Got a lap dance from a stripper named Cinderella. I thought it was a odd stripper name but then it made sense. Her Dad wasn't around, didn't get along with stepmom, and wore see through shoes.

The local morgue doubles up as a comedy club at night.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

How many successful jumps do you need to do to join the parachute club?

All of them.

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Why does Hitler not like going to strip clubs?

He hates the Poles

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Who's the toughest

A group of old men were sitting at the local VFW, downing beers and trading war stories.

They were joined by another old man, who was new to their club, so they took their turns trying to prove who was the toughest.

First the Navy guy stood up: "I was on the USS Indianapolis, when it g...

My daughter asked if I'd like to go out clubbing with her.

I said "sure honey". We stayed up all night long. That's good, because it's much easier to kill seals when they're sleeping.

Alexa, where's my dad?

Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.
Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

What do you call a book club that's been reading the same book for years - and yet the members still have no clue as to what it's about?

An Evangelical Christian church.

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Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

A man and his friends are at the country club when the phone rings...

The man picks up the phone and says "Hi honey, how are you doing"
The woman says "Hello sweetie, I found some new shoes that cost $90, can I buy them?"
The man replies "Sure hon"
The woman then says "Also the new purse I wanted is here and cost $980, can I buy them?"
The man repl...

I once had a job at a burlesque club helping the girls in and out of their costumes for $100 a week.

I know it's not much but it's all I could afford.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

Why are strip clubs closed at night on Nov 3rd?

Because that's when the polls close.

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

The first rule of deaf club

Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub

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What's the difference between a club and a spade?

I don't fucking know, what do I look like? A card-iologist?

A lady golfer was stung by a bee.

So she went back to the clubhouse, and met with the club manager. The manager asked her "Where did you get stung?" The lady replied "Oh, between the first and second holes." The manager then said, "Well, obviously, your stance is too wide."

Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed

Two friends were out golfing one morning.

One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a funeral processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is...

A wife and a husband are sitting at the kitchen table

wife: if I died, would you remarry?

Husband: don't talk about that kind of thing!

the next day they are on their afternoon stroll and the wife asks the same question.

Husband: stop asking that!

That night, they are in bed, and she asks again.

husband: Fine! i suppo...

Why did Heidi Klum get a divorce?

She didn't approve of Seal clubbing

"Excuse me, sir, is this the Nostalgia Club"?

"Yeah man, but let me tell you, it ain't what it used to be!"

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