What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

You know what the first rule of passive-aggressive club is, don’t you?

You know what? Never mind.

It’s fine.

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A new member of a big game hunting club shows up to a the welcoming ceremony

The young member wants to hear some great hunting stories so he finds the oldest man at the ceremony and says "Sir, I know you have some great hunting stories, tell me your best one."

The old man is happy to share his experiences with the young member. He starts out by saying "it was 1947, me...

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My wife caught me in a strip club last night.

She said, “What the fuck are you doing in here?”

I said, “I’m not paying you to talk”

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

Lindsey was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... it was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

...

I wanted to start a procrastinator club

But I've decided to wait

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

Mike Tyson Opens a Strip Club

When they are open, the sign says: "We're Open"

When they are not open, the sign says: "We're Clothed"

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A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

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Tyler Durden: Welcome to Fight Club! Thanks for coming!

**Me:** Don’t mention it.

**Tyler Durden:** *[under breath]* Fuck he’s good.

How about my golf clubs?

Husband: Honey! I've read somewhere that men die much younger and it made me think if God forbid I die before you would you marry again?

Wife: Yes. I think so!

Husband: That's great! I wouldn't want you to be lonely Sweetheart! Do you think you would live in our house?

Wife: I l...

The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

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Some local comedians had just finished up a set at the local comedy club...

So naturally, they sat down at the bar and ordered a round. Now, these guys are pretty fucking funny, and they know every joke in the book. So as they're enjoying their beer, of course, they're cracking jokes with each other. But since they know them so well, they started just referring to them by t...

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

The secretary says "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks."



Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"



"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down th...

I just signed up to a movie-to-book club. I think they're clowning around, but they told me the new guy always has to-

read It and weep.

I started a carrot club. It's underground.

The turnip is crazy too

Why did the Alabama strip club close?

They lost too much money from the family discount.

A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”

Hair Club Salesman: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”

Bald Man: “How about faux dollars faux hair?”


Sorry guys, I’ll show myself outta hair.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

So, i was out drinking in a club and two guys with Swastika tattoo on their hands walked in next to me...

They order drinks and got pretty drunk in just one round, You can say that they had low tolerance.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.

Just to get the ball rolling.

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Joined a poker club

Just signed up for poker at a club and all the members have these "lucky charms" on the table this guy has a glass cube with a 4 leaf clover in it that girl has a mini bronze doggie statue, you get the point. So the next week I wanted bring a charm to fit in, but I forgot but the novelty store next ...

Matthew McConaughey’s first initiative as owner of Austin Football Club will be to cut the Left Backs and Left Wingers. Their going to be “alright alright alright”

Got banned from r/soccer for this, they take their no jokes rule seriously. I’d been sitting on it other than that for a while.

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

I'm not sure how; I've never met herbivore

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

There was a Nudist Communist club

One day, a man asks a younger man," Young lad have you read Marx?" The man replies with," Yeah it must be these wicker chairs."

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...

At The Club, Ths Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?" the wife asks, "How does he know you? Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to his Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You...

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A pupil was describing to his parents how his teacher went around the world, travelling from place to place but only stopping in sex clubs, dungeons and brothels.

Sir cum-navigated the globe.

Debra complains to the club manager.

Debra complains to the club manager, ''I got stung by a bee on your golf course!''
"Where?," he inquires.
''Between the first and second hole,'' she replies.

''Oh, your stance is too wide.''

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

I forgot to keep my subscription to Scrabble Club up to date.

Now they've started sending me threatening letters.

click here if you want to join the peepee club

urine

Karen one day called a men's club looking for her husband...

Karen: Hello, is my husband there?

Manager: I'm sorry, he is not here.

Karen about to hang up realised something

Karen: I realised I haven't mentioned his name, how do you know whose wife I am?

Manager: It doesn't matter ma'am. All the husbands give out the same instructi...

Just got in to anonymous alcoholic club

It has been four days im getting drunk with people I dont know.

I tried to join a club for the directionally challenged

I couldn't find the meeting

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

What do you call a club for child molesters

Prison

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I've had it,I'm going to divorce my wife , first it was some random guy in a club,then her ex, her boss,our mailman, my best friend and even her stepbrother...

I just love sucking cocks!!!

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Four men went golfing together one day...

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second ma...

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with...

Country Club Raffle

Every evening an older gentlemen would venture down to the local country club. This club had a large room in which there were several comfortable chairs, as well as a billiards table. The gentleman would enter the club, buy a cheap drink, sit in the same chair and read from his newspaper.

The...

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At the club where my bud is staring at a lady's boobs.

Her: My face is up here.

(Looks up, goes back to boobs.)

Him: Yeah, but these look better.

I once went at a strip-tease club and entered a door with "women" written on it

Sadly there were only toilets

What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet

I Joined the Debate Club.

The Mass Debate Club.

I was in the strip club watching one of the women on the pole.

I leaned forward and shouted, "Mind if I have a dance?"

"Oh, honey, no problem," she smiled.

"Thanks," I said, ripping off my shirt. "Move over then, it's my turn."

Not sure what you will find

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.


Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman ...

The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.

I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.

A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walk over to her and says "damn those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Two Neanderthals loved partying

They went clubbing

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

I went to a crazy Amish strip club.

It was bonnetless.

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Welcome to the premature ejaculation club

A lot of you came early , can’t say I’m surprised

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're ...

Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

The Golf Club

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at Surbiton Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
...

The local strip club had a sale.

Their sign said a penny for our thots.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

Excuse me, is this the nostalgia club?

Yes, but it's not the same as it was back then...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

I’m starting a club that prints out and mails content from r/jokes to people without internet.

It’ll be called the re-postal service.

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

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When the DJ at a club played "Jump," we all jumped.

When he played "Come On Eileen," we all ended up with a court date for sexual assault.

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Sam got thrown out a Strip club for using monopoly money.

Sam's logic - Why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

Was almost in the club last night but got dragged out by the bouncer.

"Are u 18?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

"Can't let u in then," he replied.

As I walked out I thought to myself, "this is the 3rd club I've been at tonight. What does a 22 year old have to do to get inside?"

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

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A ventriloquist was performing at a club.

With his dummy on his knee,he begins his routine with a series of dumb blonde jokes.Suddenly,a blonde stands up and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of these dumb blonde jokes!What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with there worth ...

What's the Difference between a Casino and a Strip Club

You actually have a chance of getting screwed at the casino.

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

I made a club about erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop, nobody came.

Double trouble

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit… well, more than a bit… had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a “S...

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

A seal goes into a bar...

The bartender says,"What'll it be Mr. Seal?"

The seal replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club."

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I just watched Fight Club for the first time and I gotta say...

Oh shit, I almost broke the first rule.

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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

I was going for a club where it was this rule - "people only with Brown Bow tie are allowed".

I entered the club and saw people were wearing other clothes too.

I tried to start a hide and seek club in high school

But I couldn’t find the advisor

An American went to Ireland to play golf...

So anyway, the American went down to the local club in Killarney and asked around for a playing partner. “I’d be fairly good now so I’d need someone with experience”. “Ah, Micilín is your man” he was told. So he agreed with Micilín to play him for a few quid the next morning at 9. However, Micilín d...

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

Guy walks into a bar...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

A woman was on her deathbed...

A woman was on her deathbed with her husband at her side when she told her husband....

Wife: When I die I expect you to get re married.

Husband: No! No one could ever replace you.

Wife: It's OK, I know you and I know you'll get lonely.

Husband: No! I have the memory of ...

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A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

The Ugly Girl

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Akpos walked straight to the ugly girl.

**Akpos:** Hello!

**Ugly girl:** Hi!!

**Akpos:** Wanna dance?

**Ugly Girl:** Yes (excited)

**Akpos:** OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to...

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".

The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".

The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

What clubs do drivers belong to?

Golf clubs

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

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DONT HIT THE BALL!!!

DON'T HIT THE BALL

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beauti...

Why was the golfer kicked from the animal rights club?

He hit a birdie

What's the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?

You get the hoes out.

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

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