After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

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What is the only animal that has their asshole located on their back?

A police horse.

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

Which animal is best at playing poker?

The bluffalo.

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber ther...

I went to the zoo yesterday, but the only animal there was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

I dont believe in using animals for testing...

They always get all nervous and pick the wrong answers.

What do underwater animals smoke

Seaweed

(Ba-dum crash)

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What animal is this?

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

 “A cat!” said Lizy.

 “Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”

 “A dog!” said Ricky.

 
“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

 
The class fell silent. Af...

A teacher asked Mary to name 5 animals from Africa.

*"Four elephants and a giraffe."*

A kindergarten teacher was telling her students about different kinds of animals.

"Whales are the largest" she said, "but they can't swallow people, because their throats are too small."
"But in the Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale", said a little girl. "You can't always believe what you read", the teacher replied. "Well, when I go to heaven", said the little...

Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals.

Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

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What is an animal that shits loudly but has silent pee?

Pterodactyl

I don’t get people who hate farm animals.

Horses, for example, are the glue of this society!

Birds aren't my favourite animal

But they're up there.

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

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A lion calls animals for a meeting

A lion calls animals for a meeting. "Everyone, I'm very hungry, so every one of you brings me a big piece of meat. If someone won't bring a big piece of meat, I'll beat them with my dick!" Everyone runs away. After a while they're coming back. A female deer brings a big piece of meat. Lion eats it a...

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

Do you know who's behind that new animated animal-horror-film?

It's a company called Pig-Saw.

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a big sack filled of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

Which animal is the craziest?

The lunatick.

One day the teacher is asking students the sounds animals make

The teacher asks "what sound does chicken make.
Little Suzy says "cluck cluck cluck".
Teacher replies" good job now what sound does a cow make"
Little Johnny says "The sound a cow makes is 'Dont forget your homework for tomorrow'".

Who’s the coolest animal at the watering hole ?

The Hip-po

As a photographer, I have decorated my wall with all the animals I have shot.

I keep them next to my framed contract with the butcher

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Raccoons are the animal of 2020

They always wash their hands and wear a mask

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Three scientists are arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

The first scientist says, "The meanest animal in the jungle is the the King of the Jungle himself, the lion. He wouldn't be the king if he wasn't the meanest bastard in there."

The second scientist says, "The lion may be king, but the meanest animal is actually the water buffalo. Even a lion ...

What do you call someone who’s attracted to young animals?

A PETAphile.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?!"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

My friend likes to go around filling animals with Hellium.

I was going to tell him to stop, but then I thought to myself: "Hey, whatever floats your goat"

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In Animal Crossing, Isabelle really has her work cut out for her.

Man, managing a bunch of animals? I guess it really is a shit zoo.

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What are pansexuals favorite animal

Pan Duh

What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?

The seal of approval.

Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an...

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Teacher: Name a native animal

Student: Racoon

Teacher: Excellent! Can you name another?

Student: Its mom

What kind of phone does an animal crossing character have

A nookia

The king of animals

So a sheep had a big house in the middle of nowhere. After some time she noticed some pigs wandering around and they asked to move in for a week or two, they promised the sheep that during those two weeks they'll help her build a small cottage she wanted right next to her house. As they were buildin...

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Our small town made national news when a baby was born here that was part animal.

It had a deer face and a bear ass.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap yells, "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?"

I hope we don't get another animal to human epidemic

All the crow people have been eating lately.

Noah sent his animals to 'go forth and multiply'

A pair of snakes replied 'we can't multiply, we're adders' -- so Noah built them a log table.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

Noah is on mission from God to gather a pair of each animal

So he journeys far and wide to all the corners in the world to gather them up.

Once he came to Scotland, he told the natives: " Hear me! God is wrathful with mankind! Do gather up a breeding pair of each kind of animal and bring them to me. Once my task is complete, it shall rain for forty da...

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

The re-tail store

Snakes are really wholesome animals.

My dad picked a wild one up now its giving him a tight bear hug... Awww how wholesome.

I saw a bumper sticker saying “I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal”

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

Which animal is not faithful in a relationship?

Cheetah

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

I got fired from my job as an animal rights activist

All I said was that sometimes it feels like you’re beating a dead horse when you try to get people to donate

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My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it

It's an armadildo.

There are 2 things I hate in this world: (1) People who put animal names in words...

...and (2) Hypocrites

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped

I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

So all the animals gathered and having a party,

Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time,
suddenly a chameleon get to the middle of the room, say "check this out" and start changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he done he say "Lets see any of you do the same".
Suddenly octopus appear from the crowd and sa...

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What do you call an animal with no mouth or butthole or anything?...

...an unholey creature

What animal always wins a match?

A Cheetah

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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.


So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.


The bear angrily grabbed the little ...

When I was a child, I really loved reading all the stuff about north pole, animals that inhabit it etc.

But it is not as cool as it used to be....

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It’s Nature

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating. She said 'How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?'

I replied he can smell she is ready, thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked h...

Need an ark to save two of every animal?

I noah guy.

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

What aquatic animal likes hugs and kisses?

A cuddlefish

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear

What animal is grey and has a trunk?

A mouse on vacation

What kind of meat comes from an animal whose left legs are shorter than their right legs?

Lean.

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Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down

Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

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Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

Which animal has the softest bite?

“Gummy” bears

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

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Why doesn’t the fastest land animal get to participate in any sports?

Because he’s a cheetah.

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig

He's a Taxi-Dermist.

As scientists try to determine whether it escaped from a lab or originated in an animal market

Others say it's the president now and everyone just has to live with it

So recently the World Health Organization announced that Covid-19 does not spread through animals, therefore all animals in quarantine must be let out.

WHO let the dogs out.

Why are owls my favorite animal?

Because they’re hooters!

Why are animals so primitive?

They don't want to ever reach a petabyte.

^((Haha PETA bad))

Which animal was the best at girls scout club

A Badge-r

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A man hears a thumping on his roof, goes outside to look and she's a guerilla on his roof

He calls animal control and says he has a gorilla on his roof. They say they have just the guy for the job and he'll be over in half an hour. After half an hour, a white van pulls up to the house. A man steps out with a ladder, a bat, a net, a shotgun, and a rottweiler.

"So how are you gonna ...

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An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

Horses are such negative animals

They're such neighsayers

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The animal without teeth [OC]

A middle-aged teacher found that he was tired of teaching his 1st grade class, so he played a little game with them.

"If any of you can name a mammal without teeth, I'll let you take the day off."

This stumped the 1st grade class. Try as hard as they could, they couldn't think of a mam...

Two hobos...

were walking down a set of railroad tracks one hot afternoon when they walk up on a dead animal. The first hobo says " alright! something to eat, I haven't eaten in days. Are you going to join me? There is plenty to go around" the second hobo politely declines.

After the first hobo has his f...

How does PETA support animals that have been hurt?

By unplugging their life support so they can sing for them.

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I just found out that some animals actually have prehensile penises...

I still can't wrap my head around it.

Teaching the farm animals to read was going well until the chickens read a book on democracy

Then they staged a Coop d'etat

I can talk to animals!

Such a shame they have no idea what I'm saying

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The ...

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"*That's so sweet,*" she replies. *"I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"* *"I'm a butcher,"* he says

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Why was the mushroom collecting animal poop?

It was looking for a toad stool.

What animal is best at hitting a baseball?

A bat.

I respect giraffe's...

They're an animal I can look up to.

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Moral of the Story

There was this fish, just swimming up the river. He looks up, notices a fly. Fish thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inches, I can have myself a tasty little meal.

On the riverbank, there’s a bear. He notices the fish, and the fly. He thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inch...

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

What did dinosaurs have that no other animal has?

Baby dinosaurs

What are the best animals to explain something

Squirrels. They always give it in a nutshell

I just hope this makes someone's day

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