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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Trying to impress this cute animal rights activist girl I just met, so I told her I work with animals

I'm a butcher.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Intelligent animals

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

The forest animals are always drunk, so the fox bans alcohol...

The following day, the fox spies a rabbit hanging out of a tree, clearly wasted. The fox ticks him off, and carries on his way. The next day he sees the rabbit drunk again, and gives him a final warning.

The following day, the fox does his rounds and there's no sign of the rabbit, but he not...

What animal has four legs and one arm?

A pit bull on a playground.

What separates man from animal

Divorce

I've been trying to get better at making snares for catching animals, so I went to r/traps

For some reason theres a bunch of gorgeous women on that sub!

I'm going to try messaging some of them and see if I can score a date! Wish me luck!

Monkeys, dogs... animals are usually the first ones to explore space; so why is there no animal on Mars?

Curiosity killed the cat.

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What's the most common animal in porn?

Swallow.

I have always loved animals,

Specifically chicken tenders, beef stroganoff, pork chops, and ribeye steak.

What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?

A McFurry

The farm animals got amnesia...

Cow: What noise do I make, Mr?

Me: Mooooo!

Pig: And what noise do I make?

Me: Oink Oink!

Cat: What about me?

Me: Ow.

Bob told me he could never kill an animal.

He's more of a people person.

If I had the option to transform into any animal for just one day,

I'd choose Thursday.

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

A man walks into a zoo and finds out the only animal in it is a dog. The man yells out:

"What a shihtzu!"

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I went to the zoo today but there was only one animal.

It was a Shitzu

Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull?

They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)

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I‘m not an animal rights activist or something...

But i think it‘s kinda fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtles necks.

What is the most indecisive animal in the world?

Whaaaaaale?

I once bought a box of animal crackers

It said “Do not eat if the seal is broken”, sure enough.. broken seal, rhino, giraffe, the whole squad. Had to throw the whole thing away.

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

Someone stole the enclosure that was built to hold the animals in the ark.

Newspaper headline: “Noah fence taken.”

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

What’s the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

A Polar Bear.

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

You know what animal scares me the most?

A *cari-boo!*

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Steve Irwin loved all animals.

But stingrays had a special place in his heart.

Santa used to be an animal

He now Mrs. Claus

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

What animal urinates the most silently?

The pterodactyl

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What animal has the biggest boobs

A Z-bra

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Adam only named four animals.

He was given full naming rights, but was banned after he named the ass, the cock, the booby and the tit.

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

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If animals knew what sin was they wouldn't care.

I don't care either. Fuck trigonometry.

Interviewer: "What is your spirit animal?"

"My spirit animal is not having one because I'm not Native American and I haven't been on a spirit journey.
What you mean is 'what is your fursona?'."

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When people dress in fully body suits of their favourite animals, a sexual kink isn't implied

It's infurred.

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

My spirit animal is a bull

Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

What’s it called when too many animals move into Shrek’s swamp?

Ogre-population

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

What animal has 9 arms and sucks

A def leopard

(NSFW) What is seamen's favorite animal?

A swallow.

What animal is 80% wool?

A woolf.

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

What’s Thor’s favorite animal?

The Hammerhead shark.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

How do you catch a unique animal?

U neek up on it.

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

What do you call an animal that conforms to and follows the principles of the forest?

A-Deer (Adhere)

What do you get when you mix animal DNA and human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

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What animal has a dick on their back?

A police horse.

animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good jok...

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

What’s a nocturnal animal’s favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

The thought process of a wounded animal and a second grader on picture day is pretty similar,

Show your teeth and maybe they’ll go away

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

A chimp walks into a bar

A chimp walks into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the chimp, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the ba...

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals

She said: "I've always wanted to get a manatee."

I said: "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.

Oh my!

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

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Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

I would never joke about animal abuse.

That’s just beating a dead horse.

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

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Me and my Wife sometimes call each other by Animal Names.

For example: Yesterday she called me a fucking Cheetah.

300 Bricks on a plane

There are 300 bricks on a plane, 1 falls off. How many are left? Pretty simple, 299.


What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge? Easy, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.


What are the 4 steps to put a Giraffe in the fridge? Easy, open the fr...

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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

What is Thanos favorite animal?

A snapping turtle.

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?



An elephant with diarrhea

Hello, I'm looking for the school of animal neurology.

Ah, you'll want to visit the hippocampus then.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

Do you know someone who can fit all the animals in a ship?

I noah guy

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

What's the best animal to watch with your spouse?

"Look deer, look!"

It's a little known fact that Erwin Schroedinger was wanted for animal cruelty.

Dead and alive.

Did you know that when they were building the Ark, they had to put a perimeter around it so that only two animals could get on at a time?

Noah fence.

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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

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What are the two sexiest animals on a farm?

Brown chicken brown cow

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

Say what you will about genetically modified animals

At least were should get CRISPR bacon!

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

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Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

What animal goes baa-woof!

A sheepdog.

Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

A father and son are watching a documentary about evolution...

...the boy had already watched this episode and was viewing it again carefully as he found it a bit confusing as to what the different prehistoric animals were evolving into. He recalled this episode ended with an ant-like insect becoming a crustacean-like animal. By the end he said 'Ep seen, did an...

What animals are the best fighters?

Wasps. They have 5 black belts.

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