This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

A was approached by an animal rights activist at the zoo. "What separates you from the animals held captive here?" They shouted.

"A fence." I replied.

What is Thanos favorite animal?

A snapping turtle.

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It’s a shitzu.

"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the zoo yesterday but the only animal they had was a dog

It was a shit-zhu

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

I had to throw out my animal crackers.

The package said "do not consume if seal is broken"

Credit to my dad :)

It's a little known fact that Erwin Schroedinger was wanted for animal cruelty.

Dead and alive.

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

My favorite joke

If you have 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one off how many do you now have?

>!499!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!Open the door, then put the elephant inside!<

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

>!Open the door, take the elephant...

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my Wife sometimes call each other by Animal Names.

For example: Yesterday she called me a fucking Cheetah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three kids were arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

First kid: It's a lion! He'll come over and bite your head off if he catches you checking out his lady lion.

Second kid: Nope, it's a piranha! They will eat an entire cow if it just takes a sip of water from their river.

Third kid: You're both wrong. It's a crocogator.

First Kid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

Okapis are the laziest animals...

Their zebra costumes are always half-assed

How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning?

They set their a-llamas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the two sexiest animals on a farm?

Brown chicken brown cow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

What animals are the best fighters?

Wasps. They have 5 black belts.

What animal has more lives than a cat?

Frogs, they croak every night.







Originally posted this in r/funny, was a joke my 9yo told me last night..

What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

My spiritual animal is Eeyore

I'm a depressed jackass

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?



An elephant with diarrhea

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

The first zebra

The first zebra in the world doesn't know if he is black or white so he goes to Moses and asks "Moses I'm I black or white" and Moses replied "I don't know ask Jesus he might know" so he went to Jesus and asked "I'm I black or white" Jesus said "you are what you are" so he went back to Moses and sai...

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

What do you call an animal that has eaten too much?

A stuffed animal

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

I don’t know why I got kicked off the plane for bringing a dead animal.

I mean, it did say I could bring a “carrion” bag,

What do you call it when your are tracking an animal in a thrift store

Good Will Hunting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

Why was the golfer kicked from the animal rights club?

He hit a birdie

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Did you hear about the zoo with just one animal?

It was a shih tzu.

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

A racist, an animal abuser and a murderer go into a bar.

The bartender says: "What will it be, officer?"

A animal joke

A turtle is crossing the ride and gets mugged by two snails. When the police show up and ask him what happened, the turtle told them,”I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a large rucksack full of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

Spirit animal

What's the spirit animal of the LGBTQ community?


Eunuch-orns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi soldier who decides to devote himself to animals?

A VeteranAryan

What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

What do you call an animal that doesn't practice what it preaches?

A hypocritapottamus.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark.

I get to Noah bit too much about them...

What’s the best animal to go to a restaurant with?

A duck, because they’ve got the bill.

Why can't taxidermied animals eat any more?

Because they're stuffed.

Know your animals

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, "Talking Dog for Sale."


Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.


"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in...

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

Big Jim could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon...

Big Jim would go to the tavern every night and proclaim he could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon. If he could do it, he would get a free drink. After a long night of correctly identifying deer killed with arrows, and bears taken down with guns, Big Jim was exceptionally drunk and...

Why do barnyard animals make for more reliable friends?

They’re stable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pet beagle was originally liberated from an animal testing laboratory

Had to let her go. Too expensive. The little fucker smoked 80 Marlboros a day.

I'm glad I'm not a farm animal.

If I was, I'd be in a baaaaaaa'd mooooooo'd

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

What is a doctor’s favorite type of animal container?

Hippo crates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife found a lot of animal porn on my pc - but I think I got away with it!

I blamed the dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What animal has an asshole on it's back?

A police horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of animals live on the sexy farm?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who gets a sexual thrill from killing an animal?

A PETA-phile.

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

Injured animal jokes are

Lame

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

If we’re not supposed to eat animals

Then why are they made of food

What happens when a very small animal is born on the world’s second largest island?

New Guinea Pig

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

3 Animals Feast

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay;
The skunk didn’t have a scent,
The deer didn’t have a buck,
So they put the meal on the duck’s bill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chipmunks are the horniest animals.

They always bust nuts.

When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

Did you ever wonder...

how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?

What’s a German underwear model’s favourite animal

Ze-bra

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A Mink in the closet

A Jaguar in the driveway

A Tiger in the bedroom

and an Ass to pay for it all.

I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

What does the animal give?

Teacher: What does the pig give?

Student: Bacon

Teacher: What does the chicken give?

Student: Eggs

Teacher: What does the cow give?

Student: homework

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Gordon Ramsay was an animal, what would he be?

A T-Rex, because it’s fucking RAAAW

Dolphins are the Ted Bundy of the animal kingdom

Raping murdering psychopaths, but white women love them.

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

What's the slowest-moving body part in the entire animal kingdom?

Mole Asses.

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Nazi soldier who became an animal doctor?

He was a veteran Aryan

What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood?

Don't worry. I Noah guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned...

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

My friend used to work for an animal shelter, but he got fired.

He really screwed the pooch.

What do you call snowmen who like to dress in animal costumes?

Flurries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

What type of math can farm animals do?

Cowculus

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

When i go to the zoo and i tell them i wanna look at my favorite animal you know what they do?

Give me a mirror.

For all the animal lovers out there

A teacher is in front of the class teaching word problems. She asks little Susie,

Teacher: “If you had 5 pets and someone wanted 3 of them, how many would you have?”

Susie: “5, I’m not going to give them away.”

Teacher: “Alright, if you had 5 pets and someone forcibly took 3 of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests

. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an...

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

People who sell dead animals for food are gross

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My family and I went to the zoo. The thing is, there was only 1 animal!

It was a shitzu

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

Worker: Why don't we stop testing our peoducts on animals?

Boss: What? Other companies test their shampoons on aninals.
Worker: Yeah, but we make hammers!

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.