After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?

​

An elephant with diarrhea

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

A animal joke

A turtle is crossing the ride and gets mugged by two snails. When the police show up and ask him what happened, the turtle told them,”I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

A racist, an animal abuser and a murderer go into a bar.

The bartender says: "What will it be, officer?"

What do you call an animal that doesn't practice what it preaches?

A hypocritapottamus.

What’s the best animal to go to a restaurant with?

A duck, because they’ve got the bill.

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark.

I get to Noah bit too much about them...

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

What do you call it when your are tracking an animal in a thrift store

Good Will Hunting

What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

Big Jim could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon...

Big Jim would go to the tavern every night and proclaim he could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon. If he could do it, he would get a free drink. After a long night of correctly identifying deer killed with arrows, and bears taken down with guns, Big Jim was exceptionally drunk and...

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The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi soldier who decides to devote himself to animals?

A VeteranAryan

I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal was a small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Why do barnyard animals make for more reliable friends?

They’re stable

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My pet beagle was originally liberated from an animal testing laboratory

Had to let her go. Too expensive. The little fucker smoked 80 Marlboros a day.

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

Know your animals

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, "Talking Dog for Sale."


Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.


"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in...

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

What is a doctor’s favorite type of animal container?

Hippo crates

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of animals live on the sexy farm?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

Injured animal jokes are

Lame

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What animal has an asshole on it's back?

A police horse.

What happens when a very small animal is born on the world’s second largest island?

New Guinea Pig

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chipmunks are the horniest animals.

They always bust nuts.

What’s a German underwear model’s favourite animal

Ze-bra

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife found a lot of animal porn on my pc - but I think I got away with it!

I blamed the dog.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call someone who gets a sexual thrill from killing an animal?

A PETA-phile.

A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

If we’re not supposed to eat animals

Then why are they made of food

What does the animal give?

Teacher: What does the pig give?

Student: Bacon

Teacher: What does the chicken give?

Student: Eggs

Teacher: What does the cow give?

Student: homework

Did you ever wonder...

how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?

I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Gordon Ramsay was an animal, what would he be?

A T-Rex, because it’s fucking RAAAW

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

3 Animals Feast

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay;
The skunk didn’t have a scent,
The deer didn’t have a buck,
So they put the meal on the duck’s bill

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

What's the slowest-moving body part in the entire animal kingdom?

Mole Asses.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

What did God say to all the animals during the Greaf Flood?

Don't worry. I Noah guy

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

My friend used to work for an animal shelter, but he got fired.

He really screwed the pooch.

For all the animal lovers out there

A teacher is in front of the class teaching word problems. She asks little Susie,

Teacher: “If you had 5 pets and someone wanted 3 of them, how many would you have?”

Susie: “5, I’m not going to give them away.”

Teacher: “Alright, if you had 5 pets and someone forcibly took 3 of ...

What do you call snowmen who like to dress in animal costumes?

Flurries.

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned...

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

What type of math can farm animals do?

Cowculus

When i go to the zoo and i tell them i wanna look at my favorite animal you know what they do?

Give me a mirror.

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Worker: Why don't we stop testing our peoducts on animals?

Boss: What? Other companies test their shampoons on aninals.
Worker: Yeah, but we make hammers!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the Nazi soldier who became an animal doctor?

He was a veteran Aryan

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family and I went to the zoo. The thing is, there was only 1 animal!

It was a shitzu

People who sell dead animals for food are gross

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests

. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an...

Jungle animals started a softball league...

The teams are separated by species.

A colorful long beaked bird, not sure where to go, asked an old monkey umpire, where his team was playing.

He replied, "Mongoose vs snakes are on field 1, ants vs frogs play on field 2..."

"Quit monkeying around", the bird chuckled, "I just wa...

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

Why yes I’m also a member of PETA and an animal rights person

Yup I’m a Preferred Eater of Tasty Animals and all animals have a right to be served on my plate.

I asked a friend what type of animal she would be and she said "I would be a penguin-bear"

I said: "Those are like, POLAR opposites"

I really like animal puns.

I know it sounds weird, but just bear with me.

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

My company has just decided we won’t test our products on animals anymore

We make hammers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many animals can you fit into a pair of spandex

Two calves, an ass, a lot of hares, a camel toe and a fish nobody can find.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the best selling sex toy in the animal kingdom?

The armadildo.

What prehistoric animal is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked th...

I'm pretty sure my dad's favorite animal was a buffalo...

Because the last word he ever said to me was "Bison."

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

Animal shelters must hire the worst people.

Everyone is always trying to rescue cats and dogs from there.

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

It's just so sad ....

How often I see zookeepers breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.

A good chef can have conversations with animals

Well, at the very least they should be able to make some chicken stock.

What do you call an animal that hibernates with a disorder that makes their moods change quickly?

A Bipolar bear

The teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”

One boy says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouts from the other side of the ...

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Two men visit a local pub known for serving animal hunters

They go in, sit down and order a drink.

While they are talking, one of them notices a frail, old man sitting alone in a corner. After a moment, he suddenly recognizes the man and nudges his friend.

"Hey, isn't that Tom Stevenson?" Says the man.

His friend looks in the direction ...

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

What's Hitler's favourite animal?

A dolphin!

Stop being so mean to PETA.

Steve Irwin taught us to be nice and respect animals.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted