If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call it a ...

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

I went to an Animal Costume Party with my wife on my back

I knocked on the door and was immediately told I wasn’t in costume.

I said that I was and when asked which animal I was I said,

“I’m a turtle and on my back, that’s Michelle”

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

LPT: Don't get your animals delivered.

It turns out they need their liver.

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After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

Animal rights activism

I've been getting into activism for animal rights. Always making sure to buy from companies that test on animals because I really appreciate those companies going outta their way to hire and give animals jobs

What's the greyest animal without eyes?

the **grt** animal

Did you know a lot of animals can jump higher than trees?

This is mainly due to the fact trees can't jump.

What's a hookers spirit animal?

Crabs

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Work with animals!

She (who's a vet): I work with animals!

Me: Yeah me too, my boss is a bitch and my co-workers are asses!

A teacher asks a student to "name two animals peculiar to Australia"

He responds with "The polar bear and penguin are peculiar to Australia, but the kangaroo and dingo live there."

Why are hyenas the healthiest animals on the planet?

Because laughter is the best medicine.

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies.

"I love a man who cares about animals.

Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

How to they approve animal doctors?

How do they approve animal doctors?

Do they go through a vetting process?

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

What's a Robots favorite animal?

A cowculator.

From my 7 year old.

A White Missionary in an African Tribe

A white missionary was visiting an African tribe. After a year of sharing the same village, the chieftain's wife gave birth...to a white baby.

The chieftain was enraged and called for the preacher's death. The missionary attempted to calm the chief, asking him to take a walk with him through ...

Which animal do women hate?

Ze-bra

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A cat goes to the other animals at the barn with news from the house. (Long)

"My fellow animals, I heard that there's going to be a huge party this Saturday and they're going to slaughter you Cow."

The animals all gasp and start consoling Cow that everything is going to be alright.

Chicken, the bully, on the other hand is laughing hysterically. "Finally, we'll ...

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.

You could even say they were like fish out of water.

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

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When it comes to sex I'm a wild animal

Way more scared of you than you are of me

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

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The animals in the zoo are bored.

The snake says "I know, we can play billiards" The elephant scoffs "How. we don't have a table?" The snake explains they can do tricks, and the other animals judge them as to how many balls they have sunk. So each animal does their best and the snake is winning, showing off he says to the elephant "...

Did you hear about that one animal who was blamed for freeing all his friends at the petting zoo?

He was an escapegoat

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

Which animal is the most sus?

Amongoose

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four piece..........with a biscuit

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I went to a therapist today for my increasing urge to kill animals

She said killing them in Minecraft doesn’t count

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

I went on a tour of the animal recycling facility today...

I was rendered speechless.

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I went to the zoo today, but all of the animal pens were completely empty except for a single enclosure that had one little dog in it.

It was a shitzu.

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Animals see that the nearest volcano is going to blast.

They start to have sex with each other as they are going to die anyway. Elephant sees Hippo, jumps on her and starts fucking. Hippo says:

"We're about to die, why are you using a condom?"

"It's not a condom, it's Anaconda blowing"

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

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A duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I...

Fun fact: besides humans, frogs are the only animal known to take their own lives.

In other words they'll Kermit suicide..

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....

that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"

"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."

Edit : changed one word.

Traveling salesmen and the farmer

A traveling salesmen is driving through the country one evening when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm house and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains his situation and kindly asks to use his phone.

The farmer replies “Well we haven’t got a phone here, but ...

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

So there was a huge line of animals, waiting for a store to open.

They were all waiting patiently, until the rabbit came. This rabbit was very impatient and wanted to join the store first.

So he tried sneaking under everyone. Although that didn't work because the lion, found him and furiously said "HEY! No cheating!" and punched the rabbit so hard that he f...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

What's a microbiologists favorite animal, and why?

An ant, they love there little antybodies.

My mate and I robbed a bank. The cops chasing us were under the illusion that we were dressed as animals.

Every few seconds they kept shouting "Furries!"

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

What's the oldest animal?

It's the zebra because they are black and white

The limo driver opened an animal hide gallery.

The chauffeur show furs

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Did you know there is a incantation that can turn a man into a animal?

It takes a very long time to say, and by the end you will be a little hoarse.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

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I was head-butted by an animal in the Andes...

It was a blunt-force llama.

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The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

Many people call their animals "fur babies" but,

As soon as I start calling children "skin dogs", suddenly I'm the worst pediatrician in this hospital!

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Did you know dolphins are the only animals that enjoy sex.

Person 1: Did you know dolphins are the only animals that enjoy sex.

Person 2: really

Person 1: yeah, I had to fuck a lot of animals to figure that one out.

I took my family to the zoo today…

When we got there the only animal there was a dog…

It was a Shih Tzu

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Why're squirrels the horniest animals in the animal kingdom

Because they're always looking for their next nut.

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

In India, they regard Bovine creatures as sacred animals.

Holy Cow!

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

Found my spirit animal

It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.



I'll see myself out now.

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

What Animal Doesn't Take Their Own Advice?

A hippocrite.

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What are the two sexiest farm animals?

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

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The gibbon is famous for being the most frequently masturbating animal in the entire world.

We'll see about that...

What animal is always hungry, and laughing?

A high-ena

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Phone joke: what animal has a tiny dick and hangs down?

(Usual response is) a bat.

Yes! Good job. What animal has a gigantic dick and hangs up?

*hang up the phone*

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Three blondes are on a walk

While on this walk, they come across an interesting set of tracks. Taking interest in it, each of the girls have a guess as to what animal it could be.

The first blond said "I bet those are bear tracks", to which the other two scoff and say there were no bears around.

The second blond...

Did you hear about the snake that killed animals for fun?

He was a cold blooded murderer

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

You know why girls like to play animal crossing?

'cause it's the only time they get pockets

What's the most musical animal?

A hip hopopotamus

The pound is way more fun than the zoo

They swap out the animals every week!

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It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar

but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.

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What's the difference between an animal doctor and an ex nazi?

One's a veterinarian, and the other's an aryan veteran

What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?

*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"










My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit

Why did the neurologist go to an African animal university?

He wanted to study the hippocampus.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

"One has always thought reindeers are majestic." She said.
So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in the England's green ...

What is the most musical animal?

The fish, they got scales

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