This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi soldier who decides to devote himself to animals?

A VeteranAryan

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

If we’re not supposed to eat animals

Then why are they made of food

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A Mink in the closet

A Jaguar in the driveway

A Tiger in the bedroom

and an Ass to pay for it all.

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned...

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

How do Marine Animals pass new Legislation?

They ask the Seal of Approval.

What type of math can farm animals do?

Cowculus

Worker: Why don't we stop testing our peoducts on animals?

Boss: What? Other companies test their shampoons on aninals.
Worker: Yeah, but we make hammers!

When i go to the zoo and i tell them i wanna look at my favorite animal you know what they do?

Give me a mirror.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

I was at the zoo the other day and saw a sign that said, "Do not feed the animals."

Naturally, I obeyed the sign. So they fired me.

Went to a zoo today that only had one animal which was a small dog

It was a shih tzu

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

What animal has 4 legs and one arm?

A pitbull on a playground.

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

I asked a friend what type of animal she would be and she said "I would be a penguin-bear"

I said: "Those are like, POLAR opposites"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family and I went to the zoo. The thing is, there was only 1 animal!

It was a shitzu

People who sell dead animals for food are gross

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

Jungle animals started a softball league...

The teams are separated by species.

A colorful long beaked bird, not sure where to go, asked an old monkey umpire, where his team was playing.

He replied, "Mongoose vs snakes are on field 1, ants vs frogs play on field 2..."

"Quit monkeying around", the bird chuckled, "I just wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the Nazi soldier who became an animal doctor?

He was a veteran Aryan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joke Contest in the Animal Kingdom

Once upon a time, there was a great famine within the animal kingdom so all the animals gathered to solve this serious issue. Desperate times calls for desperate measures and they had to find a way to reduce the animal population. The owl, being the wisest in the kingdom, hatched an idea and said "E...

Why yes I’m also a member of PETA and an animal rights person

Yup I’m a Preferred Eater of Tasty Animals and all animals have a right to be served on my plate.

I really like animal puns.

I know it sounds weird, but just bear with me.

My company has just decided we won’t test our products on animals anymore

We make hammers.

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

What prehistoric animal is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

I'm pretty sure my dad's favorite animal was a buffalo...

Because the last word he ever said to me was "Bison."

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests

. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an...

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the best selling sex toy in the animal kingdom?

The armadildo.

Animal shelters must hire the worst people.

Everyone is always trying to rescue cats and dogs from there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many animals can you fit into a pair of spandex

Two calves, an ass, a lot of hares, a camel toe and a fish nobody can find.

Stop being so mean to PETA.

Steve Irwin taught us to be nice and respect animals.

The teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”

One boy says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouts from the other side of the ...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

It's just so sad ....

How often I see zookeepers breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.

A good chef can have conversations with animals

Well, at the very least they should be able to make some chicken stock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked th...

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

What do you call an animal that hibernates with a disorder that makes their moods change quickly?

A Bipolar bear

I hate tongue, I won't eat something that was in an animal's mouth.

Now excuse me while I eat my eggs.

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted

What's Hitler's favourite animal?

A dolphin!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

Some people die from animals, but I was apparently brought to life from one.

According to my Mom, my Dad slept with a cougar once which is how I was born.


It's weird how science works.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men visit a local pub known for serving animal hunters

They go in, sit down and order a drink.

While they are talking, one of them notices a frail, old man sitting alone in a corner. After a moment, he suddenly recognizes the man and nudges his friend.

"Hey, isn't that Tom Stevenson?" Says the man.

His friend looks in the direction ...

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

What animal SHOULD be scared of vacuum cleaners?

Dust bunnies.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.

Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!" ...

Which animals are most difficult to impress?

Goats
Because they find everything "Mehhhhhhhhh".

What animal gets hurt all the time?

An owl

What do you call an animal doctor who formerly served in the German army?

A Veteran Aryan Veterinarian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) Human on animal is beastiality, so then animal on human would be...

Sexual Furassment

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nsfw When God created Adam, he gave him the job of naming the animals.

Adam:
Boobies,
Cocks,
Pussies,
Shags,
Horny toads,
Asses,
Dik diks

It was then that God decided that he needed to create women.

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

Why did Noah go to New Jersey after he failed to save the animals on his first try?

Because he needed to find a Newark.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who could talk to animals visits a farmer

English is not my native language so I apologize for any error.

A man who could talk to animals visits a farmer.

"What do you want here?" says the farmer

"I can talk to animals"

"I don't believe you!"

"I'll show you!"

So they go to the chicken and the man sa...

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

Animal transfiguration

How do you turn a cat into a dog?
Splash some gas on him, step back, toss a lit match, and he goes WOOOF!

BUT IT GETS WORSE:

How do you turn a dog into a cat?
Put him in the freezer for a day, take him out, run him across a tablesaw, and he goes MEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWW...

A man adopted a parrot from an animal shelter.

Since he adopted it, the parrot never stopped cursing. At night it was cursing. During the day it was cursing. At midnight it was cursing. One day, the man was fed up with the parrot, and put cyanide in its water. The next day, he found the parrot dead. He was relieved, until he noticed it was flipp...

What prehistoric animal loves lamps?

Mam-moths

A teacher is teaching their class about animals.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's class were talking about animals on farms

"What kind of sound does a cow make?" the teacher asked.

Sarah raises her hand and after being called on says "A cow goes moo!"

"Very good Sarah. Who can tell me what sound a sheep makes?"

Billy raises his hand and after being called on says "A sheep goes baa!"

"Excellent...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Gordon Ramsey say when you show him cute animal pictures on reddit?

It's fucking r/aww!!!

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

Where is the best place for a large animal to learn things?

A hippocampus

What do all the Rainforest Animals say when the Jaguar finishes their shower?

They can't say anything, as the Jaguar is totally spotless.

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the wettest animal in the sea?

The octopussy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Animals in the forest have a meeting. The bear as the chief of the forest decides to create an outhouse and they immediatelly built it.

The next day the outhouse has broken window.

So the Bear called everyone and said:

Who knows something about that?

A squirel put her arm up and says:

"I know something about that.."

"I was jumping from a branch to a branch and suddenly the wolf took me, clean his a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's an old saying, never work with children or animals

This especially applies in porno

What is a muslims favorite animal?

His lamb

A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.


Board: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.





CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

For the second time this month all the animals in a feline cloning facility were killed

Police are looking for a copycat killer

As a kid my favorite superhero was The Flash and my favorite animal was the cheetah,

I guess that explains why I'm now addicted to speed

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.