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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

What's a microbiologists favorite animal, and why?

An ant, they love there little antybodies.

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

My mate and I robbed a bank. The cops chasing us were under the illusion that we were dressed as animals.

Every few seconds they kept shouting "Furries!"

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Did you know there is a incantation that can turn a man into a animal?

It takes a very long time to say, and by the end you will be a little hoarse.

The limo driver opened an animal hide gallery.

The chauffeur show furs

What's the oldest animal?

It's the zebra because they are black and white

A man was walking Naked in jungle When animals Saw him,

they all run Away
"The Zebra then asked the Lion
"Even you King of the Jungle?"
The Lion replied: Oh my friend keep jokes
aside, that is a Strange Animal.
The tail was infront.

Found my spirit animal

It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.



I'll see myself out now.

Why is the rabbit the strongest animal there is?

Why is the rabbit the strongest animal there is?

Because it can fly, even with an eagle on its back.

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

Many people call their animals "fur babies" but,

As soon as I start calling children "skin dogs", suddenly I'm the worst pediatrician in this hospital!

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

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Why're squirrels the horniest animals in the animal kingdom

Because they're always looking for their next nut.

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Phone joke: what animal has a tiny dick and hangs down?

(Usual response is) a bat.

Yes! Good job. What animal has a gigantic dick and hangs up?

*hang up the phone*

In India, they regard Bovine creatures as sacred animals.

Holy Cow!

What Animal Doesn't Take Their Own Advice?

A hippocrite.

What animal is always hungry, and laughing?

A high-ena

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I was head-butted by an animal in the Andes...

It was a blunt-force llama.

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Did you know dolphins are the only animals that enjoy sex.

Person 1: Did you know dolphins are the only animals that enjoy sex.

Person 2: really

Person 1: yeah, I had to fuck a lot of animals to figure that one out.

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I work for company that paints lawns green in dry climates. Someday I will own my own upholstery business. I want to make car seats out of animal hides...

...but, I dye grass.

Why did the neurologist go to an African animal university?

He wanted to study the hippocampus.

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The gibbon is famous for being the most frequently masturbating animal in the entire world.

We'll see about that...

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

Did you hear about the snake that killed animals for fun?

He was a cold blooded murderer

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What are the two sexiest farm animals?

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.

What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?

*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"










My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit

What are tho oldest animals?

Zebras and Penguins, since they're in black and white.

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What's the difference between an animal doctor and an ex nazi?

One's a veterinarian, and the other's an aryan veteran

What's the most musical animal?

A hip hopopotamus

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The teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good” replied the teacher,”what sound does sheep make?”

“Baaaa” answered Jimmy.

She continued this for...

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What do you call an animal sanctuary that breeds small dogs?

A shit zoo

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Two Friends Were Discussing Pet Animals..

Two friends, Pete and Dave were discussing their favourite pet animals.

Pete: "Dogs all day, man; I just love how they are so cute, cuddly, goofy and best companions to have. What is your favourite pet animal, Dave?"

"Well, Pete.. I'm a Cat Person." said Dave.

To which Pete aske...

It must be hard to get a job at an animal hospital.

They have good vetting procedures.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it...

...It’s a Peking Duck.

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So I took my son to see his Mom at work at the animal sanctuary and my wife brought out a lioness to meet us

Me: Son you see her she is one of the fiercest and most dangerous creatures on Earth.

Son: Really Dad are you scared of her daddy.

Me: Hell yeah, even the lioness doesn't wanna fuck with her you think I will

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It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

You know why girls like to play animal crossing?

'cause it's the only time they get pockets

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

A mom walks in on her 4 year old son who had just dumped a box of animal crackers all over the kitchen table

“What are you doing?” she asks

“The box says don’t eat if seal is broken. I was looking for the seal!”

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

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A man walks into a zoo, and there’s only one animal. It’s a dog.

It’s a shitzu.

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

My friend told me he is attracted to Christmas trees and people in animal costumes

He identifies as a douglas furry

I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,

but had to take them back as the seal was broken...

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly breaks-down. They set out to find help, and come to a farmhouse. When they knock on the door, the farmer explains that he has only two beds, and one of the three has to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agree. The Rabbi says he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves, there's a knock on the bedroom door. It's the Rabbi, exclaiming, "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the s...

The FDA has issued guidelines on animal testing

All companies testing on rats are encouraged to switch to lawyers, for the following reasons:

1. They are easier to breed

2. Nobody cares what happens to them

3. There are some things rats just won't do

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I met my wife at the zoo.

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

What is the most musical animal?

The fish, they got scales

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

A Texan woman walks into an animal clinic...

...and says to the receptionist, a young woman named Yvette, that she’d like to see how her cat Urias is doing.

The young woman is visibly confused, and says, in a noticeable accent, that she absolutely cannot. The older woman is also confused, and asks “This is the Stonybrook Animal Clinic, ...

I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar

but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

They created an animal shelter near the mine field...

I never forget the weather of the day they all escaped, it was raining cats and dogs.

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What are the drug dealers of the animal kingdom?

Monkeys because they are slinging shit all day

What animal leaves their family after its baby is born?

Bison

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

Name two animals that should be endangered but are not!

Donkeys and Elephants

What's the quietest animal on a farm?

A ssshhheep.

Why don’t the animals in the zoo like to play games with the leopard?

They all think he’s a cheetah.

Do you know which animal comes from the sky?

Reindeer

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What is the only animal that has their asshole located on their back?

A police horse.

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

If poli=many and tics are small bloodsucking animals

The world makes so much sense

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

God, Man, and the Animals.

God: Some of the animals I've been creating are fun to pet.

Man: Which ones?

God: You'll just have to figure that out on your own. Where are you going to start?

Man: Wolves!

God: Oh.. well.. Let me know how that works out.

\*leaves for a couple of millennia\*
...

What’s Guy Fieri’s favorite animal?

A dinersaur

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber ther...

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The CEO of a company held a meeting and said, “We need to stop testing our products on Animals”

“Why? The shampoo companies do it.” somebody said
“That’s true, but we make dildos”

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Its legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC....

Because that's where all the pigs get together and fuck us

What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered

"Naturally I've selected you all for dinner"

My wife and I were talking about obscure animals.

She said, "I want to get a manatee."

"That's very generous," I replied, "I will take it with two sugars."

My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her...

She's always critter sizing.

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

What are the animals most worried about these days?

The Pandamic.

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King of the Jungle will let one animal to fuck his wife the Lioness

The Lion invites every animal from the jungle and tells them : "Whoever jumps from this mountain and survives I will let him fuck my wife."

While every animal see one and other with confusion a loud Roar can be heard falling down from this mountain. It was a bear that fell down.

After ...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

What do you call a baby animal lover

A Peta-phile



worst joke 2020

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

Which animal is best at playing poker?

The bluffalo.

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I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

2 Native American animal trackers sit on their horses.

One gets down, lays his ear to the ground and after a moment he says "Buffalo come."
His friend asks "How you know?"
Then he stands up and touches the side of his face, "Sticky."

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*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?* *I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*

*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?*
*I replied 'it’s nature he can smell she is ready'.*
*We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow; my girlfriend said this is odd th...

So a new zoo opened yesterday, but it only had one animal!

A critic reported, ‘it’s a shi tzu’

Three dogs

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
<...

Warning: some trivial animal harm

In honor of my giant bald spot I saw today: Once there was a priest who had a highly trained parrot. The bird would sit on a perch at the entrance to the sanctuary during weddings. When guests arrived, he would squawk ,"bride's side or groom's side?", then would fly down to the correct pew and pe...

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

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What animal is this?

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

 “A cat!” said Lizy.

 “Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”

 “A dog!” said Ricky.

 
“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

 
The class fell silent. Af...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

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Koala bear picks up a prostitute at a bar....

So this Koala is at a bar. He picks up this prostitute and they go to a motel. The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the prostitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, s...

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

What is the favorite animal of a white supremacist?

The great white shark.

I don’t get people who hate farm animals.

Horses, for example, are the glue of this society!

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accide...

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

What do underwater animals smoke

Seaweed

(Ba-dum crash)

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

Two subjects of an animal loving king are having a conversation

One says, “Have you gotten the news? Did you see the king’s hare died?”

“No way!” exclaims the other.


“What color?”

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

Which animal aced our Elementary Algebra exam?

The g-raph.

I dont believe in using animals for testing...

They always get all nervous and pick the wrong answers.

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