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Animal Jokes

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

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Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?

Because they're all Veteran Aryans.

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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The animal brothel

A little mouse, after a tiring week of work, decides to visit an animal brothel for some entertainment.

The fox madam, upon seeing him arrive, offers, 'If you'd like, there's Sarah the pythoness, a new arrival.'

The mouse accepts and goes to Sarah's room. As soon as she sees him ente...

Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an...

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

What's a vegan's favorite animal?

The high horse.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

Animal behaviour

So I saw my crazy neighbor talking to her cat. She was looking at it like she thought it understood.

When I got home I told this story to my dog and we both laughed

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Please tell me your best animal sound joke!

My kid loves animal sound jokes, whats the best you got?

His favourite is: What do cows do on Saturday night? They go to the mooooovies!

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

Whats the scariest animal in Canada?

A Cari-BOO

2 Native American animal trackers sit on their horses.

One gets down, lays his ear to the ground and after a moment he says "Buffalo come."
His friend asks "How you know?"
Then he stands up and touches the side of his face, "Sticky."

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King of the Jungle will let one animal to fuck his wife the Lioness

The Lion invites every animal from the jungle and tells them : "Whoever jumps from this mountain and survives I will let him fuck my wife."

While every animal see one and other with confusion a loud Roar can be heard falling down from this mountain. It was a bear that fell down.

After ...

[OC] What animal never tells the truth?

A lion

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

What animal can you never hear coming?

An opossum, the "O" is silent.

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

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The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought...

The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.

The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.

The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snappin...

What's the only animal unaffected by climate change?

Egyptian Crocodiles.


Because they live in the Nile.

Okay, Lama spelled with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet. With two 'L's, a llama is a South American pack animal.

So, what is a three 'L' lama?

A big fire in Boston.

What animal is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey! It's always stuffed!

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

What animal is hated by most board game players?

A cheetah.

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What animal has the largest breasts?

The Zebra

Why was the golfer kicked from the animal rights club?

He hit a birdie

Where does an animal that lost its tail go?

To the retail store.

My wife said all I do is make stupid animal jokes

She’s free to see otter people

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Animal game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the tea...

I saw a story about a YouTuber giving his subscribers animal carcasses.

He was clearly just trying to get a reaction because he’d done stuff like this before. It was a dead giveaway.

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

What does the animal give?

Teacher: What does the pig give?

Student: Bacon

Teacher: What does the chicken give?

Student: Eggs

Teacher: What does the cow give?

Student: homework

Nike once did animal testing on their shoes

None of them fit.

A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar.

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

What is a trigonometry teacher's favorite animal?

A Hippopotenuse.

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[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

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What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?

Idk, but his wife said he was a Cheetah

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

What animal swears the mos

The hippopottymouth

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

A war hero becomes an animal doctor. Years later he retires.

He's not a triple threat, he's a triple Vet.

(Credit to my 12 year old kid)

My favorite animal is the beaver...

because I want people to look at me and be like, 'Damm..!!'

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

What animal loves and hates the Arctic?

The Bi-polar Bear

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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PETA claims that their ads have significantly reduced animal abuse...

But seeing those nude models in billboards and magazines spread have only made me beat my monkey harder

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The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger...

but it turned out it was the cheetah.

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

What's a Robots favorite animal?

A cowculator.

From my 7 year old.

What's the difference between a stud animal and a Nigerian prince?

One rides a bunch of females, the other writes a bunch of emails

What do you call someone who is desperate for some lovin' from somebody dressed as an animal?

Furrsty.

Testing products on animals

Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

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An Englishman asked a Frenchman his favorite animal.

The Frenchman forgot the word in English and said, "My favorite animal is a phoque!"

The Englishman said, "Wait, you said your favorite animal is a fuck?"

"No, silly! A *phoque*!"

"Yeah, a fuck. I get it! But that's not an animal."

"No, a phoque! Especially the ones that...

What kind of animal makes the best shrinks?

Owls. They genuinely give a hoot.

A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

A man was walking through the desert and passed a group of vultures feasting on a dead animal.

The vultures stopped eating and looked at him, obviously disturbed.

The man casually commented "Carrion."

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Mules are amazing animals

but when it comes to doing any work, they always half-ass it

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

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Hitler's favourite animal?

Adolfin.

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

Girls say I'm an animal in bed.

More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

What marine animal wears a red jacket and a sequined glove on its flipper?

Thriller Whale!

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-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.

-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy …big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time…
-Yes sir, but we make dildos.

If I could be an animal for one day

I think I'd choose a Thursday.

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So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

Which animal do women hate?

Ze-bra

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?

The wall-rus.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.

He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.

What animal was Osama bin-Laden afraid of?

SEALs

Animal rights activism

I've been getting into activism for animal rights. Always making sure to buy from companies that test on animals because I really appreciate those companies going outta their way to hire and give animals jobs

I am an animal lover and activist.

I actively put animals on my plate and I love to eat them.

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What animal is this?

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

 “A cat!” said Lizy.

 “Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”

 “A dog!” said Ricky.

 
“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

 
The class fell silent. Af...

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

“I work with animals,” the man says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies.

“I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”

“I’m a butcher,” he says.

My neighbor got a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and decided to get an Emotional Support Animal.

His choice? A skunk. His diagnosis? Sociopath.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

Little Johnny is in second grade. They’re learning about different animals

The teacher asks Suzie, “Suzie, what do chickens give you?”

Suzie answers, “eggs!”

Teacher says, “very good Suzie. And Mark, what do pigs give you?”

Mark says, “bacon!”

Teacher goes, “excellent, Mark! Johnny, what do cows give you?”

Johnnie answers, “usually homewo...

What's the oldest animal?

It's the zebra because they are black and white

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

What is the largest land animal that is not important?

The irrelephant .

Which animal is the least trustworthy?

Cheetahs

What has two of every animal and flies the Jolly Roger proudly?

Noah's arrrrrrrrrrrr.....

People who drug their farm animals

should get off their high horse.

I am truly a party animal!

Sadly, a sloth.

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