The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

What animal has four legs and one arm?

A pit bull on a playground.

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

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What's the most common animal in porn?

Swallow.

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

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I went to the zoo today but there was only one animal.

It was a Shitzu

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

You know what animal scares me the most?

A *cari-boo!*

Santa used to be an animal

He now Mrs. Claus

Steve Irwin loved all animals.

But stingrays had a special place in his heart.

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I‘m not an animal rights activist or something...

But i think it‘s kinda fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtles necks.

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

A man walks into a zoo and finds out the only animal in it is a dog. The man yells out:

"What a shihtzu!"

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull?

They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)

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What animal has the biggest boobs

A Z-bra

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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

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Adam only named four animals.

He was given full naming rights, but was banned after he named the ass, the cock, the booby and the tit.

Interviewer: "What is your spirit animal?"

"My spirit animal is not having one because I'm not Native American and I haven't been on a spirit journey.
What you mean is 'what is your fursona?'."

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

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When people dress in fully body suits of their favourite animals, a sexual kink isn't implied

It's infurred.

You're an animal in the sack!

Man to his wife, "You're in animal in the sack!"

Wife responds, "Oh yeah?! Like a tiger?"

Man, "No... More like a starfish"

What’s it called when too many animals move into Shrek’s swamp?

Ogre-population

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If animals knew what sin was they wouldn't care.

I don't care either. Fuck trigonometry.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.

He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram. But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.

‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alo...

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

Never talk to an animal that can talk in the jungle

They be lion

(NSFW) What is seamen's favorite animal?

A swallow.

My spirit animal is a bull

Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

What animal has 9 arms and sucks

A def leopard

What did the German animal doctor wear when he went surfing?

A Vetsuit

What’s Thor’s favorite animal?

The Hammerhead shark.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

What animal is 80% wool?

A woolf.

Employee: We should stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!

Employee: Yeah but we make hammers...

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

What's the most feared animal in the Romanian Savannah?

Vlad the Impala

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

Four Animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little gi...

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

How do you catch a unique animal?

U neek up on it.

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

What do you get when you mix animal DNA and human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

The thought process of a wounded animal and a second grader on picture day is pretty similar,

Show your teeth and maybe they’ll go away

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What animal has a dick on their back?

A police horse.

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good jok...

What’s a nocturnal animal’s favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals

She said: "I've always wanted to get a manatee."

I said: "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars.

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.

Oh my!

"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

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Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

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There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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Me and my Wife sometimes call each other by Animal Names.

For example: Yesterday she called me a fucking Cheetah.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Hello, I'm looking for the school of animal neurology.

Ah, you'll want to visit the hippocampus then.

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

What is Thanos favorite animal?

A snapping turtle.

Do you know someone who can fit all the animals in a ship?

I noah guy

I would never joke about animal abuse.

That’s just beating a dead horse.

Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?



An elephant with diarrhea

A was approached by an animal rights activist at the zoo. "What separates you from the animals held captive here?" They shouted.

"A fence." I replied.

It's a little known fact that Erwin Schroedinger was wanted for animal cruelty.

Dead and alive.

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So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.

The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,

“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”

What's the best animal to watch with your spouse?

"Look deer, look!"

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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

Say what you will about genetically modified animals

At least were should get CRISPR bacon!

What animal goes baa-woof!

A sheepdog.

What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

Did you know that when they were building the Ark, they had to put a perimeter around it so that only two animals could get on at a time?

Noah fence.

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

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What are the two sexiest animals on a farm?

Brown chicken brown cow

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

(first date)Her: If you could pick, what kind of animal would you be-

Me: Bird

 

Her: aww, so you could fl-

 

Me: I like worms

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Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

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A man sees a friend reading a book

Man: Hey Carl whatchu reading there

Carl: Sherlock holmes, he's a detective who uses logical deduction to solve crimes.

Carl sees the confusion on his friends face and explains.

Carl: Do you have any pets?

Man: yea, I have two goldfish

Carl: From there I deduce tha...

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

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Three kids were arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

First kid: It's a lion! He'll come over and bite your head off if he catches you checking out his lady lion.

Second kid: Nope, it's a piranha! They will eat an entire cow if it just takes a sip of water from their river.

Third kid: You're both wrong. It's a crocogator.

First Kid...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning?

They set their a-llamas.

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

What animals are the best fighters?

Wasps. They have 5 black belts.

What do you call an animal that has eaten too much?

A stuffed animal

What animal has more lives than a cat?

Frogs, they croak every night.







Originally posted this in r/funny, was a joke my 9yo told me last night..

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

Okapis are the laziest animals...

Their zebra costumes are always half-assed

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

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What do you call a Nazi soldier who decides to devote himself to animals?

A VeteranAryan

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

My spiritual animal is Eeyore

I'm a depressed jackass

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

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