The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

My spirit animal is a bull

Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.

He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram. But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.

‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alo...

Employee: We should stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!

Employee: Yeah but we make hammers...

What animal has 9 arms and sucks

A def leopard

A man and his son walk into a zoo and the only animal is a dog

The man looks to his son and says "this is a ShihTzu"

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

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Did you hear about that zoo in Malta with only one animal?

It’s a Maltese Shitzu

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

How do you catch a unique animal?

U neek up on it.

What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

What animal is 80% wool?

A woolf.

I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

What do you get when you mix animal DNA and human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

What’s a nocturnal animal’s favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good jok...

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What animal has a dick on their back?

A police horse.

Whats the stupidest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

What animal exists of 75% wool?

A wolf ;)

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals

She said: "I've always wanted to get a manatee."

I said: "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars.

I hate corny animal puns.

For Fox sake, please stop them!

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

I would never joke about animal abuse.

That’s just beating a dead horse.

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Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.

Oh my!

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Horses are the most negative animals out there

They are always such naysayers

Hello, I'm looking for the school of animal neurology.

Ah, you'll want to visit the hippocampus then.

Do you know someone who can fit all the animals in a ship?

I noah guy

"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

What is Thanos favorite animal?

A snapping turtle.

What's the best animal to watch with your spouse?

"Look deer, look!"

Did you know that when they were building the Ark, they had to put a perimeter around it so that only two animals could get on at a time?

Noah fence.

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

My favorite joke

If you have 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one off how many do you now have?

>!499!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!Open the door, then put the elephant inside!<

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

>!Open the door, take the elephant...

Say what you will about genetically modified animals

At least were should get CRISPR bacon!

What animal goes baa-woof!

A sheepdog.

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

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Me and my Wife sometimes call each other by Animal Names.

For example: Yesterday she called me a fucking Cheetah.

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What are the two sexiest animals on a farm?

Brown chicken brown cow

It's a little known fact that Erwin Schroedinger was wanted for animal cruelty.

Dead and alive.

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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?



An elephant with diarrhea

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Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three kids were arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

First kid: It's a lion! He'll come over and bite your head off if he catches you checking out his lady lion.

Second kid: Nope, it's a piranha! They will eat an entire cow if it just takes a sip of water from their river.

Third kid: You're both wrong. It's a crocogator.

First Kid...

How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning?

They set their a-llamas.

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

What animals are the best fighters?

Wasps. They have 5 black belts.

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

What do you call it when your are tracking an animal in a thrift store

Good Will Hunting

My spiritual animal is Eeyore

I'm a depressed jackass

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

What do you call an animal that has eaten too much?

A stuffed animal

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

Okapis are the laziest animals...

Their zebra costumes are always half-assed

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

I don’t know why I got kicked off the plane for bringing a dead animal.

I mean, it did say I could bring a “carrion” bag,

The first zebra

The first zebra in the world doesn't know if he is black or white so he goes to Moses and asks "Moses I'm I black or white" and Moses replied "I don't know ask Jesus he might know" so he went to Jesus and asked "I'm I black or white" Jesus said "you are what you are" so he went back to Moses and sai...

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a large rucksack full of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

A animal joke

A turtle is crossing the ride and gets mugged by two snails. When the police show up and ask him what happened, the turtle told them,”I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi soldier who decides to devote himself to animals?

A VeteranAryan

Why was the golfer kicked from the animal rights club?

He hit a birdie

Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?

A hippo-crit.

A racist, an animal abuser and a murderer go into a bar.

The bartender says: "What will it be, officer?"

What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

What’s the best animal to go to a restaurant with?

A duck, because they’ve got the bill.

What do you call an animal that doesn't practice what it preaches?

A hypocritapottamus.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

Why can't taxidermied animals eat any more?

Because they're stuffed.

Know your animals

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, "Talking Dog for Sale."


Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.


"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in...

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

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