Some seasons are cold

And summer hot

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

Be careful on the road this festive season. Lots of men are drinking

And getting their wives to drive

The wife complained Hunting season keeps us separated to much.

So I agreed to take her along for the deer hunt.

Took her to a nice tree stand. Told her" you can shoot a buck or a doe. It doesn't matter

I'm going about 100 yds that way"

No more than got to my spot when I heard BANG BANG BANG. So I rushed to where I left my wife, only to find...

Petition to start a rock season in the mountains...

Please don't take this for granite.

Ash finally became a Pokemon champion this season

It was pretty Onyxpected

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

Why was Chewbacca so happy after his son's first baseball season?

He got Wookie of the year.

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

What happens to a chipmunk during mating season?

They get kinda squirrelly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

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What is the difference between Jesus and a seasoned prostitute?

Jesus has only been nailed once.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

What's the worst way to introduce yourself to a seasoning?

Cumin side her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

In what season did Isaac Newton discover gravity?

Fall

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

What do Seasons 1-5 of GOT and The Lion King prove?

Sometimes the greatest stories of our time have a healthy dose of incest

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

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The final season of game of thrones is a lot like porn.

Awful dialogue, shallow plot, and the characters just keep getting fucked.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

My girlfriend climaxed at the season finale of Rick and Morty

She also climaxed at the finale of Iron fist.

And again at the season Finale of Game of Thrones.

She keeps coming to conclusions

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

The game in the first episode of the new season of black mirror wasn't going to be called striking vipers

They wanted to call it Smash Bros but it was already taken

Have you heard about the seasonal camping sale?

It is the winter of discount tents!

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

My ex broke up with me ‘cause she said I cared more about football than her.

I was gutted, we’d been going steady for about 5 seasons.

What do the last ten minutes of Dexter and the last season of Game of Thrones have in common?

They ruin eight years of your life.

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

Deaths since GoT Season Premiere:

Lady Lyanna..

Jorah..

Theon..

Melissandre..

The Night King..

3627 Walruses who fell from the top of a hill because the ICE IS MELTING AND PLANET EARTH IS IN DANGER AND OMG WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ASAP

I make wooden figurines for a living, which has proved to be a very good business.

I get a lot of requests to make animals, as they can be used to decorate at all times of the year. I’ve recently been working on a variety of birds for the spring season, because it’s never too early to start working ahead.
I often make a few mistakes when making animals because of the long hour...

If you spell Breaking Bad backwards, you will get "Dab Gnikaerb"

Which still makes more sense than Game of thrones\` entire season 8

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

My girlfriend left me bacause all I do is talk about football.

Im so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.

Why weren't there multiple seasons of crucifixions?

People lost interest after the Pilate episode.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy went to the bull fights

My buddy returned from Spain a few days ago and was telling me about his trip. He said he went to the bull fights and later found the best Italian food he had ever had right outside the stadium. The pasta was fresh, the sauce was amazing, and the meatballs were the most tender and well seasoned he h...

The worlds two largest manufacturers of broth seasoning cubes are merging.

It was a multi-bouillon dollar deal.

Joe goes to prom

Joe has had a crush on Ashley since fourth grade but never said anything. Prom is coming up and she recently broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been dating since freshman year. Joe decided that if he was going to make a move it was now or never. He worked up the courage to go up to Ashley and as...

Would I say that I'm excited for Arrested Development season 5B?

Abso-Bluth-ly!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not seasonal but here it so you can use it later:

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar...



Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off

Today of all days, don’t forget the reason for the season...

...the axial tilt of the Earth relative to the sun.

I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

What kind of car does one drive in the fall season?

An autumnobile. (I made this joke when I was a kid, but it’s OC, so...)

If the Colts' QB was on your fantasy football roster

You're officially out of Luck this season.

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is...

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

My 5 year old son Dexter just found out that there's a show called "Dexter". Time to have that talk I've always dreaded...

"Son, don't watch the last two season."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

As a man, I love Christmas season!

I *never* get questioned about having glitter anywhere on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you the green fish from Spongebob season 2, episode 20: Sandy, Spongebob, and the Worm, at exactly 21:52?

Because I'm gonna eat that ass.

What do private roads and people with seasonal depression have in common?

Neither gets plowed in the winter.

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

I only had 5 minutes to season my Lamb before it went in the oven

It was a race agaisnt thyme

Four men are waiting in the hospital...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! ...

What did the Italian guy say, when he got covered with seasoning?

I've been a-salted!

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.

"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you ...

Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his...

My kind of guy

A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women. After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules. It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women's floor ...

'Tis the season

A man came home after another long day at work and found his son making a list.

Curiosity rising, he asked, "What's the list for?"
"I'm making a list of gifts I want!"
"It's still months away from Santa coming to see you, and your birthday just passed."
"Santa? No, this list is for ...

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

I'm an experienced and seasoned driver

You should see my car's battle scars.

My food isn't seasoned yet,

But it will be in no thyme.

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

Apparently many cannibals agree that people that have been in multiple shipwrecks taste better.

You could say that they prefer seasoned survivors.

People always ask me what’s the best pastry

I tell them it’s quiche but with a special ingredient and it’s best at a certain time of the year but they never believe me

No one expects the Spinach in Quiche Season

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember:

There's Noël.

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