UPJOKE
wintersummerspringyearautumnperiodequinoxperiod of timetime periodharvestweatherdry seasonmonthclimateleague

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

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As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season....

I would love to congratulate myself for never watching a single fucking episode.

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault

But it was pepper

(OC)

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

What Do You Call It When You Make a Seasoning Mistake?

An oregano-no

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “

“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a mome...

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgu...

What is similar about Christmas and tornado season?

You have a tree in your living room.

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not look...

Trump is going to make soon a major announcement

Meet us again at Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot

This joke is a little crude, but...

In the early 1700s, two upper-class British gentlemen are celebrating Christmas together and giving each other gifts. The first man gives the second a fine golden pocket watch with impeccable craftmanship, a pristine and delicate item for only the wealthy. When it comes time for the second gentleman...

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

Disney isn’t making a second season of Obi-Wan Kenobi

Because there Kenobi-Wan.

Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office

Im on season 6 but I’m not really sure what its got to do with security.

Did you hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

I can’t believe it’s omicron season already…

I still have my delta decorations up…

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A blind man goes to a restaurant...

"Menu sir?" asks the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order."
The confused owner goes to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returns to the blind man.
The blind man smells the fork with a deep breath, "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoe...

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Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.



"Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken s...

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

Winter is truly a magical season.

Everyone is so positive all of a sudden.

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

Who changes the season when Summer is over?

No one, it happens Autumnatically.

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Open Season on Nerds

This truck driver was driving through the Silicon Valley. He decides he needs a cup of coffee so he pulls into this truck stop. As he goes in the door he sees a sign that says "No Nerds will be served." He sits down at the bar, and the bartender comes over to him. The truck driver says, "I'll have a...

I'm a poor Bostonian who always looks forward to tax season

After my paychecks get skimmed all year, they give me some of my wages back in the form of a refund so I celebrate by going out and drinking until I'm completely intaxicated.

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?

I just got a seasonal job as one of Santa's helpers! That means...

I'm a subordinate Claus.

If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months...

Cause it would end after 2 seasons.

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Cucumber, pickle and penis....

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.


The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.


The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fa...

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

He says, "The female dormitory would be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory would be prohibited for the female students."

Continuing further, he says, "Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time."
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second tim...

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

Why did the orphans only play half a season of baseball?

There were no home games.

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

So I was rewatching old seasons of spongebob and found this joke

Spongebob: *changes his shape to look like Texas*

Also Spongebob: “hey Patrick what do I look like”

Patrick: “stupid”

Spongebob: “no I’m Texas”

Patrick: “what’s the difference”

*both laugh*
(I thought this might be relevant considering the mess in Texas right no...

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

Did you hear about the Netflix series Summer to Winter?

It never got a 5th season.

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

Marvel announced the first episode of the next season of "What If"

It's called "The DCU was Good"

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

Was thinking of purchasing some vacant real estate near my house so my wife could begin gardening after the holiday season.

But she said "I don't want a lot for Christmas."

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.

How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?

4 years

They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.

I really enjoyed that Weather show on Netflix

All 4 seasons of it

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

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It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

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A Couple Goes to Yellowstone

They are talking to a Ranger and the woman asks about the danger of bears. The Ranger says "Lock up your food, carry your whistle and bear spray and you'll be fine as long as it's not bear season."

The husband says "Well, how will we know if it's bear season?"

The Ranger replies, "Oh...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

Dear

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his blonde wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards f...

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

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This holiday season I'm just looking for a nice girl. A girl-next-door type who is just sweet, caring, smart, and funny...

Someone I can laugh with, you know? Someone who is there for me. Just a kind, and loving individual with absolutely massive tits. Is that so much to ask for?

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Prayer

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congrega...

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

A lobster trapper

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wig...

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

I'm in a gaming clan and our favorite season is Autumn

We're the Fall Guys

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

Did everyone catch The Season Finale of the Apprentice President?

I think it received huge ratings, it was an extended episode that went into the night.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

David Benioff and Dan Weiss wrote this joke for the loyal viewers of the Game of Thrones series

Season 8

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Fresh broccoli

A man walks into a grocery store and looks around the produce section for a bit, finally he finds a worker in produce and asks: "hello, I'm looking for the broccoli." The worker frowns and replies back, "I'm sorry, sir, but broccoli is out of season and we don't currently have it in stock. Can we in...

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars

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A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

Season appropriate.

What do you call a family of fruits that lift weights in the fall?


Pumpkins!

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!

When traveling through nature, it's always smart to bring a seasoned hiker with you.

It's a well known fact that bears find unseasoned hikers bland and tasteless.

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

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