UPJOKE
wintersummerspringyearautumnperiodequinoxperiod of timetime periodharvestweatherdry seasonmonthclimateleague

What Do You Call It When You Make a Seasoning Mistake?

An oregano-no

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme

Anybody caught breaking the rule...

**Anybody caught breaking the rule will be fined.**

**On the first day of university the Dean is addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules.**

**“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory for the female students.**

...

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

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Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.



"Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken s...

I can’t believe it’s omicron season already…

I still have my delta decorations up…

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

Winter is truly a magical season.

Everyone is so positive all of a sudden.

I'm a poor Bostonian who always looks forward to tax season

After my paychecks get skimmed all year, they give me some of my wages back in the form of a refund so I celebrate by going out and drinking until I'm completely intaxicated.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?

4 years

They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"

Who changes the season when Summer is over?

No one, it happens Autumnatically.

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

I just got a seasonal job as one of Santa's helpers! That means...

I'm a subordinate Claus.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

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Open Season on Nerds

This truck driver was driving through the Silicon Valley. He decides he needs a cup of coffee so he pulls into this truck stop. As he goes in the door he sees a sign that says "No Nerds will be served." He sits down at the bar, and the bartender comes over to him. The truck driver says, "I'll have a...

Prayer

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congrega...

Dear

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his blonde wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards f...

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day

So I was rewatching old seasons of spongebob and found this joke

Spongebob: *changes his shape to look like Texas*

Also Spongebob: “hey Patrick what do I look like”

Patrick: “stupid”

Spongebob: “no I’m Texas”

Patrick: “what’s the difference”

*both laugh*
(I thought this might be relevant considering the mess in Texas right no...

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Abortions should be safe, legal and rare.

However, I am willing to accept medium rare or even medium as long as they are well seasoned.

Marvel announced the first episode of the next season of "What If"

It's called "The DCU was Good"

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

Why did the orphans only play half a season of baseball?

There were no home games.

Was thinking of purchasing some vacant real estate near my house so my wife could begin gardening after the holiday season.

But she said "I don't want a lot for Christmas."

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

A lobster trapper

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wig...

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.

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Fresh broccoli

A man walks into a grocery store and looks around the produce section for a bit, finally he finds a worker in produce and asks: "hello, I'm looking for the broccoli." The worker frowns and replies back, "I'm sorry, sir, but broccoli is out of season and we don't currently have it in stock. Can we in...

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

David Benioff and Dan Weiss wrote this joke for the loyal viewers of the Game of Thrones series

Season 8

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dachshunds.

there was a woman who had two dachshunds, a male and a female.

one day a visitor asked her what she did when the dachshund bitch was in season,

the owner says, "Oh, I just put the female upstairs. that works."

her visitor says, "how on earth does that work. putting the female...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Three Christian men from India died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The East Indian fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Sai...

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

I really enjoyed that Weather show on Netflix

All 4 seasons of it

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

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A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

Report: Tom Brady to retire.

Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

What kind of contractors do cannibals like?

Seasoned professionals

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

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You know about the underground gourmet restaurant?

They have a human flesh dish, with two different sauces: menstruation and semen.

It's called "Gametes, in three seasons".

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

Most people associate Frankie Valli with the Four Seasons, but how many of you are familiar with the song he wrote about the native corn of the Southeast United States?

It was called "Maize of Georgia," and it's a hit.

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I’m not ready to stop laughing.

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

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This holiday season I'm just looking for a nice girl. A girl-next-door type who is just sweet, caring, smart, and funny...

Someone I can laugh with, you know? Someone who is there for me. Just a kind, and loving individual with absolutely massive tits. Is that so much to ask for?

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

halloween joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as t...

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out! Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

Did you hear about the cannibal who used a group of businessmen to make a batch of chili?

I guess he wanted seasoned professionals.

When I was in high school, I had a crush on a girl, so I asked her to the prom. She said yes.

I wanted to impress her and make her feel special, so I went to the Limosine rental place. But because it was prom season, the Limosine rental place was really busy, so the limo line was long. But I waited and waited, and eventually I booked the limo.

Next, I wanted a suit. Suits look classy....

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

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Blind man

A blind man went to a restaurant."Menu,sir?"asked the owner.I'm blind.Just bring me one of your dirty forks.I will smell it and order."The confused owner got a fork.The blind man smelled the fork with deep breath.Yes,I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.2 weeks later,the...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I'm in a gaming clan and our favorite season is Autumn

We're the Fall Guys

Did everyone catch The Season Finale of the Apprentice President?

I think it received huge ratings, it was an extended episode that went into the night.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

Salt: So nice to see you. Paprika: How do you do?

Nutmeg: 'Sup.

Garlic: Yo!

Pepper: HI!

Oregano: Hola.

Seasons' Greetings everyone

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars

Season appropriate.

What do you call a family of fruits that lift weights in the fall?


Pumpkins!

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.

When traveling through nature, it's always smart to bring a seasoned hiker with you.

It's a well known fact that bears find unseasoned hikers bland and tasteless.

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

‪Why did Trump hold his press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping?

Because America told him to sod off.‬

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

Girlfriend moved out

Before she left, she claimed I was too much into football.

And we were only together for 3 seasons!

What do you call a gang of ghosts?

A hauntourage ~

happy spooky season haha

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which r...

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

Lemme tell you something about Avatar Season 3.

It’s Fire.

God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season.

I really don’t like corona with Lyme.

Hey, What do you think about allergy season?

'Snot Cool

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

Husband lost his wife

Husband: I lost my wife, she was shopping and has not come back yet.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure a suit maybe or dress i don't know.

Inspector: What her weight?

Husband: I don;t know i have never checked.

Inspector: Slim/ tall/ healthy....

Someone once tried to tell me a really boring joke about chicken seasoning

I just said "Boo! Yawn!"

For the 2020 NFL season, the players will no longer be allowed to keep chickens as pets.

It will be considered a personal fowl.

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

Told my daughter basketball season was postponed because of the virus...

She said "they should ban baseball instead". Asked her why and she goes "wasn't this all caused by bats?"

Be careful on the road this festive season. Lots of men are drinking

And getting their wives to drive

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