This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

My buddy told me his least favourite season of Game of Thrones was season 5.

Shame.

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.

Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!

Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!

Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best...

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Elephant's Mating Season

A guy applies for a job at the zoo. The head keeper of the zoo said, "Your job will be to clean out the elephant cage. But, I have to warn you it's mating season and they will jump on just about anything." "Don't worry," the guy replied, "I've worked with elephants before."

Half way through h...

As a man, I love Christmas season!

I *never* get questioned about having glitter anywhere on me

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

What kind of car does one drive in the fall season?

An autumnobile. (I made this joke when I was a kid, but it’s OC, so...)

Would I say that I'm excited for Arrested Development season 5B?

Abso-Bluth-ly!

Today of all days, don’t forget the reason for the season...

...the axial tilt of the Earth relative to the sun.

I only had 5 minutes to season my Lamb before it went in the oven

It was a race agaisnt thyme

For the upcoming holiday season, I was thinking of making my parents the same thing I do every year.

I make them disappointed.

Why do republicans eat bland food?

They refuse to season anything liberally.

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his...

Why did the other seasons laugh?

Because Winter fell.

'Tis the season

A man came home after another long day at work and found his son making a list.

Curiosity rising, he asked, "What's the list for?"
"I'm making a list of gifts I want!"
"It's still months away from Santa coming to see you, and your birthday just passed."
"Santa? No, this list is for ...

Male preying mantises when mating season starts: finally!

Male preying mantises after mating season:

Damn girl are you the green fish from Spongebob season 2, episode 20: Sandy, Spongebob, and the Worm, at exactly 21:52?

Because I'm gonna eat that ass.

A man is at a restaurant and he asks a waiter,”Sir, are you not going to season my food?”

And the waiter replies,”I’m sorry but I don’t have thyme.”

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

What are the only two seasons in Michigan?

Winter and road construction.

Why is summer the worst season for programmers?

Because it’s filled with bugs.

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

Tax season

She said she wants me to do her like I do my taxes. I replied, sorry I'm not intuit...

Friend wanted a summer job, I told him about my friend who works at a Four Seasons Resort

Friend: No I don't wanna work for four seasons, just this summer!

A tv show about the earth would be really boring

It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.

What did the EA say to ubisoft?

You must purchase the r/jokes season pass to see this

If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember:

There's Noël.

What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!

If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

So a Catholic walks into a bar.... during Lent[Long] [Cultural context wise kinda inappropriate given the season]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; wouldn’t you ra...

How can you watch season 6 of Breaking Bad?

Convince Gilligan

Four expectant fathers.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,   while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man,   "Congratulations!   You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence!   I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and t...

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

So we wont see season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2019

They're really dragon it out

On the first day of the deer hunting season

a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs.

"Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor.

"It did," the doctor replied.

I just walked past White Hart Lane and found 3 Spurs season tickets nailed to a wall.

I thought of having them.

Nails always come in handy.

A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season.

They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.

He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.

After a few months his popularity begins to...

What did the sign say at the nude beach during off season?

Sorry, were clothed.

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

Why does Melania Trump love the Christmas season?

Because there’s no orange in cider.

So excited for the season finale of America

I hope there's another season though...

This new season of survivor is turning out better than I ever expected.

I was really worried when they announced Survivor: White House.

Jon Snows going to feel itchy during the GOT season finale!

What else would you expect with aunts in your pants?

Had an issue with how the latest season of Game of Thrones ended:

Bit of an auntie climax don't you think?

Off-season for traumatologists

Is when motorcyclists no longer show up and snowboarders aren't showing up yet.

What did Donald Trump say on the season finale of Celebrity President?

"Nuclear missiles ... you're fired!"

A farmer is having a bad harvesting season.

Nothing grew. He's trying to think about how to break the news to his wife and kids. They'll lose the house. They could starve. They spent so many hours tilling the fields and breaking their backs and they have nothing to show for it. He thinks of all the hours of his children's youth that he stole ...

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

It's allergy season. If my nose keeps running,

I'm going to have to buy it new shoes.

One cold winter morning, during the Christmas season, a mailman was doing his route.

As he was
delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a
house and realized that they had so much mail that
it wouldn't fit in the box, so he decided to knock
on the door.

As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman
stood staring at him. The mailman said "I'm sorry
...

My friend owns a store and he hadn't made any profit, even during the back to school season.

Me- You should consider moving your store.

Friend- I cant!

Me- Why?

Friend- Coz its stationery.

First day of school

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybo...

My god will save me

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.

“Hop in and we can all g...

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My team decided to establish a tradition

Everyone on the team would sit in a circle surrounding the team captain before the start of the season. He would then headbutt the ball at one of us, and they would have to headbutt it back at him. The captain would then headbutt it at the person sitting next to them. This would repeat as it cycled ...

What do Rick and Morty season 3 and my girlfriend have in common?

They both don't exist

People: You can't have all four seasons in the space of 24 hours!

Ohio: Hold my beer.

*inspired by the fact that yesterday it was 74F and had thunderstorms, and today it's 30F and snowing.*

What did the soldier use to season his fries?

A salt rifle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for mating season.

The farmer constructed a wall of barbed wire to segregate the bulls and the cows.

A few days later One Bull was already feeling very Horny.

Other bulls told him that there was one Veteran Bull Consultant in the herd, who could help. The bull went to him & asked how to cross the ...

The Detroit Lions are having there worst football season ever

They haven't been able to catch the ball or even score a single touchdown because they have an atrocious quarterback. One night, the Lions manager is watching the news when he sees footage of the Bosnian Civil war. While he is watching, he sees a rebel fighter run up to a government building and tos...

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Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,

'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'

'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's alm...

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons

It's cute and exciting when it first starts out but then it gets obnoxious and should stay in Canada.

What did Trump think about the GoT season finale? (Spoilers)

"I could build a better wall"

It's prom season

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom, and he's got a lot of work to do.
First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally, he gets out of there and realizes he has to buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is.

His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.”

Confused, his dad agrees, and on h...

The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

Where's the beef ?

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to seas...

The Tourist

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"I'm sorry,...

It was almost prom season...

So it was almost prom season, and this guy was thinking about asking a girl to be his date. First he went to the craft store, because nowadays you have to be crazy and extravagant to ask someone to prom, just asking is too lame. Once he finally gets all of his stuff together, he goes to pay, and the...

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Here’s how you get the perfect prom date.

So you have the girl picked out, maybe not the prettiest to all, but in your eyes, wow. Now maybe not the hardest to get, but she still gives you butterflies talking to her.

Now you can’t simply walk up to her and ask, you gotta be smooth about it. After some thought you decide on flowers an...

Why is it called tourist season

If we can't shoot at them

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?

Because it is just as real as the other religions.

The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Do...

A soldier

Survived mustard gas in the battle , and then the pepper spray by the police. He is now a seasoned veteran.

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

Took my girlfriend to a baseball game this last season

We made a deal in the beginning.

I kiss her on every strike and she kisses me on the balls.

What's a hipsters favorite season?

Summer, they like it before it's cool

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The Detroit Lions are starting their season on a big losing streak . . .

because the coach can’t get a decent quarterback. He’s tried drilling the team’s younger talent, trading players, and he still doesn’t get anywhere. Then one night on the news there’s a Taliban uprising. He sees one young Taliban dash into the square and throw a Molotov cocktail twenty-five yards...