Who changes the season when Summer is over?

No one, it happens Autumnatically.

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Open Season on Nerds

This truck driver was driving through the Silicon Valley. He decides he needs a cup of coffee so he pulls into this truck stop. As he goes in the door he sees a sign that says "No Nerds will be served." He sits down at the bar, and the bartender comes over to him. The truck driver says, "I'll have a...

So I was rewatching old seasons of spongebob and found this joke

Spongebob: *changes his shape to look like Texas*

Also Spongebob: “hey Patrick what do I look like”

Patrick: “stupid”

Spongebob: “no I’m Texas”

Patrick: “what’s the difference”

*both laugh*
(I thought this might be relevant considering the mess in Texas right no...

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies

The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincide...

Marvel announced the first episode of the next season of "What If"

It's called "The DCU was Good"

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

Eggs Benedict

A man goes to breakfast during the Christmas season. He orders eggs Benedict from the server since it’s the special.
The server returns several minutes later with the dish, steaming on a an old metal hubcap from a car.
“What’s the meaning of this?” The man exclaims.
“It’s the holiday spe...

Did you hear about the cannibal who used a group of businessmen to make a batch of chili?

I guess he wanted seasoned professionals.

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out! Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Was thinking of purchasing some vacant real estate near my house so my wife could begin gardening after the holiday season.

But she said "I don't want a lot for Christmas."

Salt: So nice to see you. Paprika: How do you do?

Nutmeg: 'Sup.

Garlic: Yo!

Pepper: HI!

Oregano: Hola.

Seasons' Greetings everyone

In honor of the Braves' victory, Lets remember Mel Famey, a pitcher for the old Milwaukee Braves.

It was the last game of the season and all the other relief pitchers had been used for a double header, and Mel had driven to the park with his car full of cans of a product Milwaukee had become known for. Truth be told, he was pretty nervous before the game, because he knew he would be called on ...

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

halloween joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as t...

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.

When I was in high school, I had a crush on a girl, so I asked her to the prom. She said yes.

I wanted to impress her and make her feel special, so I went to the Limosine rental place. But because it was prom season, the Limosine rental place was really busy, so the limo line was long. But I waited and waited, and eventually I booked the limo.

Next, I wanted a suit. Suits look classy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind man

A blind man went to a restaurant."Menu,sir?"asked the owner.I'm blind.Just bring me one of your dirty forks.I will smell it and order."The confused owner got a fork.The blind man smelled the fork with deep breath.Yes,I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.2 weeks later,the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which r...

Christmas Symbols

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It...

Why did the orphans only play half a season of baseball?

There were no home games.

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

What do you call a gang of ghosts?

A hauntourage ~

happy spooky season haha

Girlfriend moved out

Before she left, she claimed I was too much into football.

And we were only together for 3 seasons!

Most people associate Frankie Valli with the Four Seasons, but how many of you are familiar with the song he wrote about the native corn of the Southeast United States?

It was called "Maize of Georgia," and it's a hit.

Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't bother with that new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion, it's fucking garbage.

I turned it off after just five seasons.

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall

What Does Enya Use To Season Her Food?

Only Thyme

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I’m not ready to stop laughing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This holiday season I'm just looking for a nice girl. A girl-next-door type who is just sweet, caring, smart, and funny...

Someone I can laugh with, you know? Someone who is there for me. Just a kind, and loving individual with absolutely massive tits. Is that so much to ask for?

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

Husband lost his wife

Husband: I lost my wife, she was shopping and has not come back yet.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure a suit maybe or dress i don't know.

Inspector: What her weight?

Husband: I don;t know i have never checked.

Inspector: Slim/ tall/ healthy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Yesterday I went to Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I've never done before: I took a ...

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new farmer from the city

He's given up on city life and dropped everything and bough 20 acres in the country.

The problem is he doesn't know anything about farming. So he goes to the feed store to ask some friendly farmers for some help in the right direction.

Luckily an old farmer there is happy to see youn...

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a restaurant

The waiter notices that he's blind and says "Would you like me to get you the braille menu sir?"

The blind man says "No, thank you. Just bring me one of your dirty forks and I'll decide what I want." So the waiter does that and the blind man smells it and says "Yes, I'd like the roasted lamb ...

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

‪Why did Trump hold his press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping?

Because America told him to sod off.‬

Season appropriate.

What do you call a family of fruits that lift weights in the fall?


Pumpkins!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A strong japanese man named Akihiro

Had Moved to New York City. He took a bus to his work every day from monday to friday. When the bus driver asked Akihiro to buy a ticket, Akihiro said "Akihiro no pay ticket". And the driver was too scared to argue, and let Akihiro go to his spot. The bus driver started building muscles so he could ...

I'm in a gaming clan and our favorite season is Autumn

We're the Fall Guys

How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

By their seasoning.

Hopefully COVID clears up before tick season...

Otherwise we’ll be having Corona and Lyme

When traveling through nature, it's always smart to bring a seasoned hiker with you.

It's a well known fact that bears find unseasoned hikers bland and tasteless.

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.

I can’t believe it’s riot season already

I still have my Covid decorations up

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

Hey, What do you think about allergy season?

'Snot Cool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

Lemme tell you something about Avatar Season 3.

It’s Fire.

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

The 2020 Football Season

Where you get a penalty for not face masking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prisoners’ last meals

3 prisoners were sentenced to death row and offered their last meal. The first one, a Brit said, fish and chips and a really good drink. And the guards gave it to him.

The second one, an Italian said, the finest risotto. And the guards gave it to him.

The third one, a Jew said strawb...

God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season.

I really don’t like corona with Lyme.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

Someone once tried to tell me a really boring joke about chicken seasoning

I just said "Boo! Yawn!"

For the 2020 NFL season, the players will no longer be allowed to keep chickens as pets.

It will be considered a personal fowl.

Upside to masks

The only upside to wearing a mask during COVID, other than not getting sick and dying alone drowning in one's own fluids, is that this last holiday season I watched all the "Charlie Brown" specials and understood everything the teacher said.

Company Picnic Softball Tournament

At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept. won ,9-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of ...

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season?

It's a great time to make some mammories

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

As election season ramps up, I'd like for us to take a moment and Pray for our President.

Psalm 109:8.

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

Told my daughter basketball season was postponed because of the virus...

She said "they should ban baseball instead". Asked her why and she goes "wasn't this all caused by bats?"

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

Old farmer Joe just uses all his savings to buy 51 sheep...

To pass the season he plans to reproduce the 50 female sheep he bought with one ram doing the work.


To his misfortune the ram dies suddenly just after he got it. He goes to complain to his neighbor Bob about his problems and Bob, who also was a farmer, told him he had to do the job him...

Be careful on the road this festive season. Lots of men are drinking

And getting their wives to drive

I was seasoning my steak when one of my spice container lids popped open and spilled all over.

It was quite the waste of thyme

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

I heard this one 45 years ago, I hope its correct.

After high school I took a year break before college. I decided to take a position on a local fishing boat. I started off as the guy how cuts all of the bait for the seasoned fisherman. By the time summer was over I had worked my way up to the main guy who baited all of the hooks. I asked the captai...

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...

Some seasons are cold

And summer hot

Grandpa fell in to paprika once ...

Now he is a seasoned veteran.

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hunters are out in the middle of deer season.

One hunter suddenly feels an intense urge to answer natures call and excuses himself to the bushes.

The second hunter, remaining in the deer blind, finds his prey, kills, and cleans the kill without his friend ever showing up. He goes off to find his buddy, soon discovers him asleep, sitting...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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