UPJOKE
wintersummerspringyearautumnmonsoonperiodpreseasonequinoxperiod of timetime periodharvestweatherdry seasonmonth

Season Jokes

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
upvote downvote report

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous
upvote downvote report

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
upvote downvote report

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People tell me they love Jerk Seasoning, just not my interpretation of it

Because apparently, it's not very nice when I throw Rosemary at them while they Masturbate

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...
upvote downvote report

There’s 5 seasons that exists

Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring, and Tax Season
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seasoned hunter

A group of young men who are on a hunting trip stop at the lodge. They hang out at the bar, drinking beer and talking.

Suddenly an older hunter walks in and the patrons fall silent. Everyone stares at the man as he walks up to the bar, sits down and orders whiskey. The silence in the room is ...

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran.

First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience
upvote downvote report

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.
upvote downvote report

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme
upvote downvote report

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.
upvote downvote report

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
upvote downvote report

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
upvote downvote report

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not look...
upvote downvote report

I don’t know why Jets fans are so mad at Aaron Rodgers. Saying he screwed their entire season

Obviously he’s just into four play
upvote downvote report

Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?

Because the Pride comes before the fall.
upvote downvote report

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site o...
upvote downvote report

I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault

But it was pepper

(OC)
upvote downvote report

What Do You Call It When You Make a Seasoning Mistake?

An oregano-no
upvote downvote report

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.
upvote downvote report

The last season of The Brady Bunch wasn't very good

They lost to the Cowboys.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Open Season on Nerds

This truck driver was driving through the Silicon Valley. He decides he needs a cup of coffee so he pulls into this truck stop. As he goes in the door he sees a sign that says "No Nerds will be served." He sits down at the bar, and the bartender comes over to him. The truck driver says, "I'll have a...

What is similar about Christmas and tornado season?

You have a tree in your living room.
upvote downvote report

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
upvote downvote report

Winter is truly a magical season.

Everyone is so positive all of a sudden.
upvote downvote report

A chef I know just boiled up a chicken carcass with seasoning, vegetables and nitrous oxide.

I told him he's made himself a laughing stock.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?
upvote downvote report

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
upvote downvote report

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme
upvote downvote report

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...
upvote downvote report

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.
upvote downvote report

Who changes the season when Summer is over?

No one, it happens Autumnatically.
upvote downvote report

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?
upvote downvote report

I can’t believe it’s omicron season already

I still have my delta decorations up.
upvote downvote report

Season appropriate.

What do you call a family of fruits that lift weights in the fall?


Pumpkins!
upvote downvote report

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I’m not ready to stop laughing.
upvote downvote report

Seasonal Affective Disorder

More like Fall Damage, mirite?
upvote downvote report

Four men and their wives are having babies…

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”

“That's odd,” answers the man

“I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congr...
upvote downvote report

Seasonal Star Wars joke

> **Darth Vader**: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

> **Luke**: How?

> **Darth Vader**: I felt your presents.
upvote downvote report

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.
upvote downvote report

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes
upvote downvote report

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme
upvote downvote report

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

‪Why did Trump hold his press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping?

Because America told him to sod off.‬
upvote downvote report

The 2020 Football Season

Where you get a penalty for not face masking.
upvote downvote report

Why did the orphans only play half a season of baseball?

There were no home games.
upvote downvote report

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!
upvote downvote report

Disney isn’t making a second season of Obi-Wan Kenobi

Because there Kenobi-Wan.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

Some seasons are cold

And summer hot
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.



"Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken s...

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...
upvote downvote report

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.
upvote downvote report

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.
upvote downvote report

Marvel announced the first episode of the next season of "What If"

It's called "The DCU was Good"
upvote downvote report

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall
upvote downvote report

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.
upvote downvote report

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...
upvote downvote report

So I was rewatching old seasons of spongebob and found this joke

Spongebob: *changes his shape to look like Texas*

Also Spongebob: “hey Patrick what do I look like”

Patrick: “stupid”

Spongebob: “no I’m Texas”

Patrick: “what’s the difference”

*both laugh*
(I thought this might be relevant considering the mess in Texas right no...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...
upvote downvote report

I just got a seasonal job as one of Santa's helpers! That means...

I'm a subordinate Claus.
upvote downvote report

Hurricane Season

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his...
upvote downvote report

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

Lemme tell you something about Avatar Season 3.

It’s Fire.
upvote downvote report

'Tis the season

A man came home after another long day at work and found his son making a list.

Curiosity rising, he asked, "What's the list for?"
"I'm making a list of gifts I want!"
"It's still months away from Santa coming to see you, and your birthday just passed."
"Santa? No, this list is for ...
upvote downvote report

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...
upvote downvote report

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"
upvote downvote report

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."
upvote downvote report

It's prom season

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom, and he's got a lot of work to do.
First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally, he gets out of there and realizes he has to buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. ...
upvote downvote report

I'm in a gaming clan and our favorite season is Autumn

We're the Fall Guys
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

Did everyone catch The Season Finale of the Apprentice President?

I think it received huge ratings, it was an extended episode that went into the night.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,

'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'

'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's alm...

In what season did Isaac Newton discover gravity?

Fall
upvote downvote report

Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season?

It's a great time to make some mammories
upvote downvote report

Deaths since GoT Season Premiere:

Lady Lyanna..

Jorah..

Theon..

Melissandre..

The Night King..

3627 Walruses who fell from the top of a hill because the ICE IS MELTING AND PLANET EARTH IS IN DANGER AND OMG WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ASAP
upvote downvote report

Appropriate for Election Season

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks his profession. The man says he was a politician. "Ah," says St. Peter, "then you may choose whether you would like to go to heaven or hell. You may spend one week in heaven, then one week in hell. At the end of the...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do California skies seem presidential during fire season?

They’re all fucked up, very orange and full of smoke

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.
upvote downvote report

I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day
upvote downvote report

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...
upvote downvote report

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.
upvote downvote report

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme
upvote downvote report

What happens to a chipmunk during mating season?

They get kinda squirrelly.
upvote downvote report

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.
upvote downvote report

Told my daughter basketball season was postponed because of the virus...

She said "they should ban baseball instead". Asked her why and she goes "wasn't this all caused by bats?"
upvote downvote report

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nerd Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading,

“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter at Your Own Risk.”

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells...

I'm A Security Guard And My Boss Told Me It Was My Responsibility To Watch The Office Every Night

Already up to season 4 and have no idea what it has to do with being a security guard.
upvote downvote report

A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...

The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tribute to the holiday season

Up until a few years ago, I would frequent a local chess club for shits and giggles. I wasn't very good at chess, but most of the people there were very into the game, knew all of the big names, went to a lot of big events, and some of them even got prize money from time to time.

Shortly befo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

What did the soldier use to season his fries?

A salt rifle.
upvote downvote report

Off-season for traumatologists

Is when motorcyclists no longer show up and snowboarders aren't showing up yet.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hunters are out in the middle of deer season.

One hunter suddenly feels an intense urge to answer natures call and excuses himself to the bushes.

The second hunter, remaining in the deer blind, finds his prey, kills, and cleans the kill without his friend ever showing up. He goes off to find his buddy, soon discovers him asleep, sitting...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information