The 115+ Best Field Jokes

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!

This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.

I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

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During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?

I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

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What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

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A pig and a donkey are standing out in a farm's field.

The pig tells the donkey: "Man, you sure have a crappy life. They take you out in the morning, have you drag carts, turn millstones, pull the plough, and after dark they feed you a nothing but hay. Meanwhile I'm just eating, sleeping and rolling around in the mud all day long, I sure am lucky not to...

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Sex in a muddy corn field

A hillbilly and his wife are having sex in a muddy corn field one
evening.

The hillbilly asks, “Honey, could you check to see if it’s in you or if
it’s in the mud?”

She reaches down and checks. “It’s in the mud,” she tells him.

“Well, could you put it back in?”

She ...

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

What do you call a monkey in a mine field ?

A Baboooom!

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

>!a seizure salad!<

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Two cows in a field

One says, "mooooooo"

The other says, "I was going to say that"

....to which the first responds, "fuck me, a talking cow!"

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.
...

Two snowmen stood in a field..

One turns to the other, and says "Can you smell carrots?"

Why did the pot farmer have such ugly fields?

He was afraid to use a weed whacker.

What's grey, has spikes, and runs around a field?

Barbed wire.

Saw some farmers out in the field.

Looked like they were having a Hay Day.

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A little bird was dying on a cold snowy field.

A cow was passing by and dropped some dung on it. The dung wormed the bird and it felt nice and warm so the bird started to sing with joy. A passing cat heard the singing of the bird. The cat found the bird and got it out of the dung. Then it ate the bird.

The moral of the story:
Not eve...

What do you call somebody with the PHD in the field of drink carbonation?

A Fizzician.

A man sees a 3 legged pig in a field

He goes and asks the farmer, "What's with the three legged pig?"
The farmer says "That's my lucky pig, that is!
- What did you mean?
farmer - well one day I was out on the tractor ploughing the fields and the barn caught fire. That pig ran over the fields to find me and oinked continuously ...

A pig and a chicken are talking on a field.

The chicken says, "Everything is way better with bacon on it!"

The pig says, "Oh really?? Everything?"

The chicken says, "Absolutely!"

So the pig sits on him.

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

An agricultural inspector goes to a farm to carry out field tests and inspections.

He calls out in the yard but no one comes so decides to carry on with his inspection. He arrives at the first gate and is about to open it when he hears a shout from the other side of the field.

“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!!!”

He looks over and sees the farmer on an opposite gate so he s...

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A middle school class went on a field trip to the construction site.

Suddenly, a worker falls to his death from the roof of an unfinished building. Because of this, the school decided to hold an accident prevention class. The teacher asks:

"Children, how do you think, why did that man fall?"

"He was standing too close to the edge of the roof!" - said L...

A journalist, a physicist and a mathematician are going on a field trip…

And they come across a group of cows with black and white spots, grazing in the distance. The journalist is excited: “We’ve seen a group of black and white spotted cows, therefore we can conclude that in this area all cows must have black and white spots!”

“You’re being too hasty, my friend”,...

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

How does a mathematician plow fields?

With a pro-tractor.

Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

What town is Strawberry Fields in?

Nothing, Israel.

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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A farmer was out cultivating their field...

... the experience was just harrowing.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, “Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn’t it?”

The other responds, “Yea it is, thank god I’m a helicopter.”

Two potatoes are sitting in a field. Which one is the hooker?

It's the one with the stamp that says "Idaho."

What do you call a policeman who patrols farmers fields?

A beet cop!

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".

# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."

My dad and I were in a field husking corn

Years ago we were out in the cornfield. Then I start complaining about somebody for a bit.

My dad: you know you shouldn't say those things about them in this field

Me: why?

My dad: there's a lot of ears out here

2 Blondes drive past corn field

They see another blonde, in the middle of the field in a row boat, rowing away.
"It's blondes like that that give the rest of us a bad name!" one complains to the other. "Yeah! If I could swim, I'd teach her a lesson!" replied the other

I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"...

I said "Sure, 70" ...

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Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

For a second consecutive year a team competing in the Super Bowl has home field advantage.

To ensure this doesn't happen again, all subsequent Super Bowls will be held in Dallas, Texas.

How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

Did you guys hear about the cows that were out in the field, smoking weed, playing poker, and drinking whiskey?

The steaks were high

A blonde was driving down the highway and noticed another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field

She pulled over to the side of the road and yelled,

“It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!”

And continued, “you’re lucky I can’t swim, or I’d come over there and kick your ass!”

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A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

### A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

Another two blondes drive past and see her struggling.

The driver says “look at that idiot! She gives smart blondes like us a bad name!” ...

Two zebras are standing in a field.

Zebra 1 asks "Hey, do you think I'm white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

Zebra 2 responds "I don't know, why don't you go ask god?"

So, zebra 1 goes to god and asks him if he's white with black stripes or black with white stripes, to which god responds,

"You a...

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Three racehorses were standing in a field.

One says, “you know, I’ve won ten races in my life.”

“And I’ve won twenty races!” Brags the second horse.

The third horse is much older then them both. He says, “That’s nothing! I’ve won fifty races!

Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound...

I went cow tipping in a marijuana field

The steaks were high

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

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Two brothers come across two fields at night.

Two brothers come across two fields at night. One field is full of watermelons, the other one is full of olive trees.

The two brothers decide to steal some olives and watermelons so they could eat it at home. One brother goes to the watermelon field, the other one goes to the olive trees fie...

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

A Man was walking when he saw a hole, in an open field.

A man was walking when he saw a big hole, in an open field. The man walked over to the hole and look down into the hole. He couldn’t see the bottom and he wanted to see how deep it was so he found a pebble and tossed it down the hole.He could hear it bounce off the sides but he couldn’t hear it hit ...

The school field trip

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher ...

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

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Two Russian women are foraging through a previously harvested potato field.

One is lucky to find two large spuds. She holds them up and says,

“Deez potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles”

The other replies,

“Oh my, are dey dat big?”

“NO, dey are dis dirty”

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says, "There's been rumors going around about a 'Mad Cow Disease.' Do you think it's real?"

The other cow says, "I don't care! I'm a helicopter!"

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A little boy returns from a school field trip

Joke #134,789 for those that wish to just chuckle now,

Little boy returns from a school field trip to a farm. His mother asks him what he saw and he replied, "Well we saw sheep, goats, chickens, a neat dog, ducks, and a fucker."

"Wait what was the last thing you saw?". The boy answers,...

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

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I'm Iranian and was forced to work the border near a Viagra bomb field.

I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

A good drummer, a bad drummer, a trumpeter and a clarinetist are standing im each corner of a football field

You throw $100 in the middle of the field. Who gets the money first?

The bad drummer. There are no good drummers, the trumpeter doesn’t move for just 100 bucks and the clarinetist didn’t understand the game.

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

How do you remove all the Russian tanks stuck in the fields outside Kyiv?

Ukraine them out.

Why can’t orphans go on a field trips?

They need a parents signature.

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields when it starts raining. the farmer sais: chester, go to the house and fetch me my wellys, for its starting to rain!

chester heads to the house, and when he enters through the kittchen he sees the farmers wife and daughter perpearing the ...

A corn farmer asked his field "are you listening?"

To which the field responded "I'm all ears"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.

Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. “It’s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

I saw a miniature horse in a field yesterday, so I walked up to pet it.

After a few steps, I realized that it was a regular sized horse, just farther away.

The classical music field should get “Bach” to basics.

Because if it ain’t “Baroque”, don’t fix it.

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day...

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day when an accomplished lawyer who was passing through decided to recline in the shade of a nearby tree. One of the farmhands approached him and asked "how did you get to be so wealthy?" to which the lawyer replied "Well son, I have an education." The...

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There's two cows talking in a field.

The first one says, "Did you hear the farmer just bought a new tractor?" The second cow is about to reply when a dog walks up and says, "What's up, ladies?"

The first cow says "Holy shit! A talking dog!"

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

A Mexican man walks onto a field in America and places his flag into the ground.

The owner of the field then says "Hey, what are you doing? This is America, what is your Mexican flag doing here?"

The Mexican looks confused at the American before replying "I hear this free country, yes? I buy America."

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field...

It once happened, on a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field. The bull was grazing on the grass, the pheasant was picking ticks off the bull.

Then the pheasant looked at a huge tree which was at the edge of the field, and very nostalgically said, "Alas, there was a time...

Did you know, if you laid out all of your veins end to end across a football field...

You would likely die.

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A Redheaded farmer is out in his field minding his own business.

He's tidying up down by the fence next to the road.

A posh limey comes gliding up in his Tesla.

Paddy, that's the Irish farmer, didn't hear the limey roll up so the limey honks his horn, startling Paddy.

"I say," asked the limey "does this road go to the Blarney Stone my good ma...

I'm so amazing. I just rode my thoroughbred through a poppy field

But I should get off my high horse

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got introduced to a doctor and I asked what field he was in. He said, “Urology”. I didn’t know how to respond…

So I said, “No shit?”

A little boy walked up to the farmer watching over cows in his field.

Boy:wow! Would you look at that bunch of cows!

Farmer: Herd

Boy: Heard of what?

Farmer: Herd of cows

Boy: Of course I’ve heard of cows

Farmer: No, a cow herd

Boy: what do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.

(No punchline but my dad u...

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.

"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.

The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am ...

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

Military unit is in the field and a scout is sent forward to check out the condition of a nearby bridge

He returns and reports: "Bridge is passable for vehicles but not for people on foot." Officer gives him a surprised look: "What do you mean, passable for vehicle but not for people on foot? Don't you mean the other way around?" "No, no, sir. At the bridge there is a large dog that is loudly barking....

My 5th grade class took a field trip to a funeral home - the director told us this joke

Why do you always have an extra chair at a funeral?

For rigor mortis to set in.

Seriously....the funeral director told this joke to a bunch of 11 year olds.

Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?

It's a harrowing experience.

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

A cow and a cat are chatting in a field...

...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.

The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."

And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

They created an animal shelter near the mine field...

I never forget the weather of the day they all escaped, it was raining cats and dogs.

Have you ever walked through a corn field?

It’s Amaizeing.

A farmer purchased a new oxen to help plow his field.

The animal hadn’t been well-tamed and the farmer struggled to keep the beast under control. One day, the oxen freaked out and started tearing through the field, dredging up all of the seeds and plants that they had already sewn into the soil. The farmer’s corn and soybean plants were all destroyed. ...

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