Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

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What do you get if you plant a field full of dildos?

Squatters!

Today I got a job in the lightbulb installation field.

The future is bright.

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A man is walking through a field full of honeysuckles.

As he walks he deliberately smashes evey honeysuckle in his path with his foot.

A moment later a voice booms from the heavens, "Don't smash the honeysuckles. If you stop destroying the honeysuckles, I'll give you all the honey you could ever want for the rest of your life."

The man lo...

Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field...

One cow says to the other, "The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried"

The other cow looks over and says ," I'm not worried at all..... I'm a helicopter....."

Two snowmen are standing in a field...

One turns to the other and says, "do you smell carrots?"

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the ...

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A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

Why did the cows return to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

There was two windmills in a field

One asked the other “What type of music do you like?”

The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”

If you major in a field you love, you'll never have to work another day

because that field is probably not hiring

Two cows are standing in a field.

The first cow says to the second, “have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”.



The second cow replies, “good thing I‘m a helicopter.”

Three cows graze in a field

The first cow, Rose, says, “I was named Rose because the first thing my head touched was a beautiful, red rose.”

The second cow, Daisy, says, “My mother named me Daisy because when I was born, I fell out headfirst onto a beautiful field of daisies.”.

The third cow, Brick, says, “Guuuh”

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said “moo” and the second cow said, “Baaaa.”

The first cow asked the second cow, “Why did you say baaaa?”

The second cow said, “I’m learning a foreign language.”

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

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2 cows in a field...

first one says "Mooooooo"

second ones says "You fucker - I was gonna say that"

Two cows are in the middle of a field.

Cow 1: Have you heard about this new disease?

Cow 1: It's being called Mad Cow Disease, It could seriously affect us.

Cow 2: It won't affect me!

Cow 1: Why not?

Cow 2: Because I'm a helicopter!

Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children t...

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Two cattle are standing in a field

One says to the other, "I'm getting awfully worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around, what about you?"

The other replies, ***"You wanna say that my face, you fucking piece of shit?!"***

Who called it a marijuana field...

... and not the high ground?

Why can't orphans go on field trips?

Parent Signature:_______________

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”

Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”

Dad - “omg son what happened”

Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”

Dad - “and then what happened”

Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”

Dad ...

What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier?

Suture self.

A newly wed couple is riding through the field on a donkey-cart.

After a while the donkey trips up. The man calmly gets down and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.

"This, is the first time," he says.

Terrified the donkey keeps trotting on and tries his best to not trip again, but eventually they get to wet grass and he can't help slipping. The m...

Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.

They were the laughing stalk of the field

The anti-vaxxers are going to have a field day with this COVID-19 pandemic

They're all going to be mass buried out in those fields once this is all over.

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

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An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'


The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberi...

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

Paddy and Mick standing in a field

Paddy: “Hey look! there’s a flock of cows”

Mick: “Herd”

Paddy: “What?”

Mick: “Herd of cows”

Paddy: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! There’s a flock of them over there!”

When the farmer counted his cows in the field he had 196

When he rounded them up he had 200

Really looking forward to the Superbowl this year. We get to see two of the best tight ends on the field...

Shakira and JLo.

I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow

But he's outstanding in his field!

Spy

A spy is getting instructions for his mission: “You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will...

A friend of mine said that he saw a large muscular cow with horns standing in a field.

I said it sounds like bull.

What did the field say to the farmer ?

Hey, homie

A red tractor turned into a field of potatoes

It was clearly a magic tractor

Farmer 1:What kind of person would make a path through my wheat field?

Farmer 2:I guessing a scythopath.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooooom!

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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An Amish woman and her granddaughter are out in the field.

They are tending to the crops and they finally get to the potatos. The old Amish woman pulls out two of the biggest potatoes she had ever seen. She looked at her granddaughter and held them up and said, "These are just like your grandpas!"

The granddaughter was shocked and said,"They are tha...

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

Two cows are in a green grass field when one says to the other-

"You know even though pi is usually written upto only two digits after the decimal point it is actually infinite."

The other cow replies,”moo.”

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A man is chasing a leprechaun through a field when finally he catches him

The leprechaun makes a deal with the man. If the man let's him go he'll grant him 3 wishes. The man agrees and states "for my first wish I'll have a pint of Guinness that never runs out". The leprechaun wiggles his fingers and... Bam! A glass of Guinness appears. The man drinks it down, and it refil...

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

SHOW ME YOUR CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the auth...

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there."...

...as he pointed out the location, the DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wh...

Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at mid-field?

He was trying to make ends meet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A llama was grazing in a field one day... (long)

... when another llama came over.

"Hello," said the first llama.

"Whatcha doing?" asked the second llama.

"Oh, you know, eating some grass. Care to join me?" replied the first llama.

"Oh, thank you," said the second. So now there were two llamas eating. Along came a third...

How much does it cost to get good seats at Wrigley Field?

I don’t know, but I can give you a ballpark estimate.

I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"...

I said "Sure, 70" ...

The Cleveland Browns are covering the playing field in cardboard for Sunday's game.

Because they always play better on paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

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A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

Two wind turbines are standing in a field...

One turbine turns to the other and asks: "so, what sort of music are you into?"

The second turbine replies: "oh, I'm a huge metal fan"

Two guys are walking through a field when they came across a well.

One of the guys asks "how deep do you think that is?"
The second replies "That's easy. Just drop something down it, count how many seconds it takes to hit the bottom, and multiply by 9 meters for each second. Give or take for air resistance."


"What should we drop?" Said the first.
L...

Two weevils grew up in South Carolina

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two cows in a field. One turns to the other and says 'Bob, I've always wondered are you friesian?'

Bob thinks about it for a minute and replies 'No, I'm quite warm actually'

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A guy goes skydiving for the first time.

The instructor goes over the procedure with him.

“That plane will take you up,” the instructor says. “The pilot will let you know when you are over the drop zone. Jump out the back door of the plane and watch your altimeter. When it says 2000 ft, pull the red cord. It’ll deploy your main para...

Two melons are sitting in a field and the first one turns to the second and says

"We've been together all this time we should run away and get married."

The second melon replies, "We cantaloupe, we're melons!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.



He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
...

A hunter was shooting birds.

A bird fell in an old man's field. The hunter goes to get the bird but the old man sees him and tells him that since the bird fell on his field, the bird is now his to keep. An argument ensues and the old man says:

"Let us kick each other on the shin and see who can take more, whoever can tak...

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

What do you say to a guy who tells bad jokes about his overuse of depth of field focus techniques?

Bokeh Humor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian Farmer was working the fields with his three sons and notices that two of them were out of breath because they were over weight.

He called over to his three sons and spoke to each of them.

Papa: "Luigi, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Luigi: "Papa, I love eating my wife's lasagna. It's so good!!!"
Papa: "Son, you need to take smaller bites."

Papa: "Mario, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Mario: "Papa, I lo...

What do you call a millennial in a corn field.

Lost. They're definitely lost.

My nephew's teacher asked for parents to chaperone a field trip. My brother couldn't go.

"I'll go," I said. "I'm an adult."

"Yeah," said my brother, "but that's not apparent."

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

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A teacher asked the kids what sounds they heard on the field trip to the farm...

Bobby said, "MOO!!!"

Lisa said "OINK"

Tommy said "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!!"

A man sees two blonde workers in a field digging holes.

One worker is digging the holes, and the other one is following close behind filling the holes in.

After watching this go on for a while, the observer decides to ask them that they are doing.

"Excuse me sir, but I have to ask. Why are you simply digging holes and filling them back in?...

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your instructions no mat...

A friend recently asked me if I had ever known a kid who was going places

I told him that I knew a blind kid who was definitely going somewhere. It was this boy in a first grade class that I was an assistant in. Everyone bullied him cause of his disability, kids are pretty terrible after all. They didn’t care about him or who he was, I’d wager half of them didn’t even ...

What type of monkey goes into a mine field?

A baboon


haha im so funny

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was out standing in his field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

Why did the garden divorce the field?

He caught her being plowed by a hoe

three bulls walk in a field

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.


First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."


Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
...

How did the coronavirus blow a 100-10 lead on racism in the United States?

Because racism has the home-field advantage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen the movie about the astronaut who has to grow fields of wheat using only his piss?

It's called "Urine For A World Of Grain".

I tried making plans with the farmer that hays my field....

But he always bales.

A salesman was travelling through the countryside,

selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that b...

A blond and a brunette are walking through a field at night.

There is a full moon out.

The brunette points to the moon and says, "Did you know that the moon is made out of cheese?"

The blond's eyes widen and she says, "No, that's really neat!"

The brunette then says, "you know, if we could get up to the moon, gather up a bunch of that che...

A man was arrested while running in a wheat field.

.

.

He was charged for going against the grain.

What’s the difference between I.T. and management?

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

What do you call an Applied Mathematician's favorite field?

Knot Theory, because it's Knot... Theory.

I took a picture of a wheat field today...

It came out pretty grainy.

An electron and a proton walk into a magnetic field...

Yes. That's it. There's no punchline. Physics isn't a joke.

What do a Nobel prize winner and an everyday farmer have in common?

Both are outstanding in their field

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my teacher "what dat ass do?"

She sighed heavily and said,

Donkeys work as pack animals, in vineyards, agriculture, and petting zoos. They can carry equipment and supplies for day trips or overnight camping expeditions.

Furthermore, some pull carts or plow small fields for farmers. In many countries, donkeys are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man an his little son are driving down a country lane one day...

A man an his little son are driving down a country lane one day when the little boy starts pointing out of the car window at two horses in a field and asks, "What are those two horses doin\` in that field daddy?"

His daddy looks into the field at the two horses and sees that they are shagging...

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

What does a prehistoric farmer ride in the fields?

A Velocitractor

What stands in a field and goes "Oooooooooh!"?

A cow with no lips.

I was walking down a pathway between fields when a farmer yelled out to me

Farmer: Can you please help me round up these 19 sheep?

Me: Sure, you have 20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eleventh Husband

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales represen...

A farmer stood in his field for 7 nights.

His curious wife asked what are you doing? He replied I am going for an Oscar, you have to be outstanding in your field to achieve:

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

Two Amish Women

Two Amish women are out picking potatoes in a field.

The first one holds out one potato in each hand in front of her while studying and balancing them.

The second woman asks her, "What are you doing with those potatoes?"

The first woman responds, "They remind me of my husband'...

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.

A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.


As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town. Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pheasant was standing in a field

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant ...

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