Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

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An Italian Farmer was working the fields with his three sons and notices that two of them were out of breath because they were over weight.

He called over to his three sons and spoke to each of them.

Papa: "Luigi, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Luigi: "Papa, I love eating my wife's lasagna. It's so good!!!"
Papa: "Son, you need to take smaller bites."

Papa: "Mario, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Mario: "Papa, I lo...

I always presume that sports fans are sane and rational people, that is until they go streaking across the field

Then I see their nuts

I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"...

I said "Sure, 70" ...

A farmer stood in his field for 7 nights.

His curious wife asked what are you doing? He replied I am going for an Oscar, you have to be outstanding in your field to achieve:

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But we he rounded them up he had 200.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?”
“What do I care?” says the other. “I’m a helicopter.”

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

A blond and a brunette are walking through a field at night.

There is a full moon out.

The brunette points to the moon and says, "Did you know that the moon is made out of cheese?"

The blond's eyes widen and she says, "No, that's really neat!"

The brunette then says, "you know, if we could get up to the moon, gather up a bunch of that che...

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A baBOOM!

I was walking down a pathway between fields when a farmer yelled out to me

Farmer: Can you please help me round up these 19 sheep?

Me: Sure, you have 20

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A pheasant was standing in a field

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant ...

What does a prehistoric farmer ride in the fields?

A Velocitractor

I dared my friend into running into a cucumber field holding a bottle of vinegar... my friend tripped and spilled vinegar everywhere. Shortly afterwards, a farmer came to check on the commotion and began scolding my friend...

Guess my friend got himself in a bit of a
Pickle.

Females lag behind in math, engineering, and construction fields...

...because men have been exaggerating what constitutes six inches their whole lives.

Two boll weevils grew up in the cotton fields of South Carolina,One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other was content to stay begind in the cotton fields.

The second, naturally, became the lesser of two weevils.

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was the best in his field.

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Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.

A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.


As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town. Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard a...

Two men are working on a field...

the first one digs a hole, the second one fills it up again. A third man watched for a few minutes and then asks them what they are doing. The second man answers:"Usually there is another man who places tree saplings, but he got sick"

An electron and a proton walk into a magnetic field...

Yes. That's it. There's no punchline. Physics isn't a joke.

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

What stands in a field and goes "Oooooooooh!"?

A cow with no lips.

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The rancher replies, 'Okay, but don't go into the field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

I took a picture of a wheat field today...

It came out pretty grainy.

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

What do you get when you put a hooker and two nuns on a football field?

2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

How did the cow feel walking through a field of wheat?

Udderly tickled.

Why do you never trust a horse out in a field?

He’s unstabled.

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cows stood in a field...

The first one said "MooooOOOOoooo"
The second one said "You bastard, I was gonna say that!"

What do you call a grieving rabbi in a field?

Mourning jew.

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cows are standing in a field...

One cow turns to the other and says "Daisy, are you worried about catching this 'Mad Cow' disease that's been going around?"

The other cow replies "Don't be so stupid Buttercup! I can't catch it because I'm a helicopter!"

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What do you call it when a plane with 72 virgins crashes into a field?

Heaven on earth.

A farmer is out in his field...

A farmer is out in his field planting seeds. Once he finishes, he makes arrangements to sell the farm and purchase some nearby land.



The other people in his small town are puzzled by this, but they brush it off as some eccentric behavior.



After purchasing the new land, ...

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

What do you call 18 wheat fields in france?

Dix-huit fields.

What's transparent and runs in the fields?

A herd of wild windows

A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his weed field

Dinner that night was high steaks

What do you get if you sit in a Spanish field?

A grassy-ass

Two farmers are walking through a field...

Two farmers are walking through a field and come across a huge sinkhole in the ground.

“Wow!” says the first farmer, “I wonder how far down this thing goes.”

He takes a penny from his pocket and throws it into the sinkhole. The two farmers listen, but they never hear it hit the bottom...

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

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Mike and Andy were walking through a field... (NSFW)

...when they came across a goat with its head stuck in a fence. Naturally, Mike took advantage of the situation and started fucking the goat from behind. Andy saw what was going on, and said "Jesus, that looks like fun!"

So he bent over and stuck his head in the fence, too.

An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy is plowing his field with a steamroller.

Seamus comes up to him and says "Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard".

Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief.

Finally, Paddy says: "I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt".

Two bees met in a field

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, blooming so I can’t make any honey!”



“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a B...

When I couldn't go a whole day without frolicking through a field, I knew...

I was addicted to gamboling.

The Patriots had to re-sod their field.

Even the grass wont root for them.

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

A blonde is sitting in the middle of a field in a rowboat...

Another blonde walks up on the sidewalk and says:

"You give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two farmers meet in the middle of a field

One farmer says to the other

“what are you doin with that chicken wire”

He responds “well I’m gonna go into town and get me a chicken”

“You can’t get no chicken with a chicken wire” responds the farmer

And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a truck load ...

How did the locomotive become so outstanding in his field?

He trained hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sons school was having "career day". When he came home, he was complaining that there wasn't any information available in his fields of interest.

I said "what do you want to after high school?"

He replies "either be a pizza delivery man or a pool skimmer" ..........







I'm pretty sure the little shit found my porn stash.

Track and field is perfect for introverts.

The goal is the be there the shortest time possible.

Job offered: joined the exciting field of TSA

Title: TSA inspections officer

Location: Florida

Starting date: Immediately

Pay: Eventually

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A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playing golf and sliced into a field of buttercups.

As I was ready to hit I heard a voice that said “don’t hurt any buttercups”

I asked “who are you?”

“I’m Mother Nature, if you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I will guarantee you have butter everyday for the rest of your life”

I responded “...

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

An Indian Chief and a Pilgrim are out hunting in the fields.

Chief - "Never hunted with white man before."

Pilgrim - "Don't worry I aim well. Last year I took down a..."

The Chief stops walking and slowly kneels down and places his right ear against the ground.

The Chief stands up. "Buffalo. Come."

Pilgrim - "How do you know?"
...

An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors

He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday, my friend swore that his fields were constantly covered in mysterious crap that kept reappearing week after week after week.

It was all bull shit.

A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit.

The display has a sign in front saying “2982 BC.”

One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?”

His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”

Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860

Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long

Two bulls are in a field staring at a new cow

One says to the other “I haven’t seen herbivore”

A cow walks into a pot field...

The steaks have never been higher.

What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

My track and field team complained that the hurdles were too short

But I'm not worried, they'll get over it

A conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe in Zeus walks out into a field during a thunderstorm wearing his tinfoil hat to test his theory.

Needless to say, he was shocked when he learned the truth.

What did the paleontologist say to his wife after 6 months in the field ?

You wanna bone?

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:20 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:10 one.”

Normal farmers get all the credit for being outstanding in their field...

...Meanwhile all the fish farmers are out there wading for recognition.

Why did the cows have to flee the farm's cannabis field?

Because the steaks were high when the pigs rolled in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. I’ve successfully grown a field of dildos,

Now I have a problem with squatters..

A few numbers were on a field trip (dont mind my character choice)....

...when they stopped to admire the view and take a rest for a bit.

Four, being a good painter, decides to spend the break by painting some things. But instead of painting the view, he paints the beautiful pickup truck they have been riding on.

After he finished, he realized how well ma...

A farmer finds a bunch of dead birds in his fields...

He figured it must have been a murder of crows

Blonde in a field.

A blonde woman is driving down a road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field and she appears to be swimming. Angry at the site, the blonde driver slams on the brakes, hops out of the car and screams "YOU KNOW, IT IS BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!" The blonde i...

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