One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks.

Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...

What's the difference between a hooker and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.

He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.

He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.

After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you ...

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.

Another talking frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to play golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog ...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

The football game at capital hill was such a good game..

The Patriots defense was so bad but they still somehow beat the Raiders.

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

How many blond jokes are there?

~~About 7 billion worldwide.~~
About 1.5 million worldwide.


*Edited because I am a bit blonde.


[In my defense I had just woken up laughing from a dream in which I told that joke to myself and immediately logged in to post it here... before having my coffee. At least I am f...

Why is a van the best defense against the wolf man?

If he is behind you he’ll get exhausted, if he’s in front he’ll get tired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

What did the painting say in its defense?

I've been framed!

The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."



"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholest...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

Did you know words can be used for self defense?

Its the art of talkwondo

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into my gf..

..having sex with her gym trainer

I told her this isnt working out.

In her defense, she said it was her cheat day.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

How do you say "Insanity defense" in Spanish?

Locomotive.

I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

My daughter hates when I show up at her workplace..

But in my defense,it's the strip club in our town.

Police are asking the public to be on the look out for a homicidal chiropractor.

The Chief reports that the best line of defense is to watch your back.

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

In R.Kelly’s defense.....

He said that he didn’t see nothing wrong with a little bump-n-grind.....

Did you hear about Legolas' murder trial?

He was innocent. Turns out it was elf defense.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could h...

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

Do you think Bill Cosby used "Kids say the darndest things" at any point in his defense?

The title is the whole joke. It’s probably been said in one way shape or form but I think it’s funny.

Ignorance of the law is not a valid defense…

unless you're the president

I did a self defense course

I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion

Rudy Giuliani is such a bad defense attorney that.....

He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted.



Or you could say,



He would have gotten Brock Turner jail time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense?

Jew Jitsu

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

What do bees and me have in common?

Both of us become suicidal as a defense mechanism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a self-defense tactic used against the Nazis in World War II?

Jewjitsu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

The Green Bay Packers' Defense

That's it. That's the joke. LET'S GO FALCONS!

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

He got crossed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My synagogue has started giving self defense classes.

They're teaching jew jitsu.

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

I just want to share a Filipino joke

A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words defense, defeat, and detail in a sentence.

The student answered, "Da dog jamped ober da pens: pers da peet and den da tail."

A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence.

The student...

What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?

well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings

I became ill after taking self-defense classes...

I think I caught Kung Flu.

Come up with one sentence that uses, "defeat," "deduct," "defense," and "detail."

Easy. Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.

I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense...

It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!

Jungle Defense

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets a...

Bill Cosby's defense rested after 6 minutes into the trial.

I guess they drank his Kool-Aid.

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker?

I use them both to get off.

Keep it simple stupid

Drill sgt. looks at the recruits at basic and says, “I’m going to give you four important words in the Army and you need to make a sentence as quick as possible. The four words are; defense, defeat, deduct, and detail. Pri’ate Johnson, go!” Johnson just stares at the drill blankly. “Boom, you’re dea...

A girl got stung stung by a jellyfish and I peed on it to relieve the pain

She was actually stung six months ago, but in my defense, the scar was still there

So North Korea's Kim Jong-Un executes it's defense chief with an anti-aircraft gun.

I bet he took a lot of flak for that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry I asked if you fucked Gollum when you showed me your baby

but, in my defense, you said he looks just like his daddy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judge to CEO "Why did you have sex with your employees in your office? It is a crime"

CEO: In my defense, it was Christmas time.

Judge: So?

CEO:They barged into my office, angry and frustrated, demandi....

Judge: Demanding what?

CEO: Bone us.

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Defense attorneys are just like porn stars.

Their only job is to get you off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.<...

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

What's the best defense against Britney Spears?

Brooke Shields.

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