A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

How do you say "Insanity defense" in Spanish?

Locomotive.

The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

In R.Kelly’s defense.....

He said that he didn’t see nothing wrong with a little bump-n-grind.....

Rudy Giuliani is such a bad defense attorney that.....

He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted.

​

Or you could say,

​

He would have gotten Brock Turner jail time.

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

As a defense attorney for ED malpractice suits, I had a terrific strategy. . .

but it didn't stand up in court.

The Secretary of Defense sits in the Oval Office briefing Bush on Iraq...

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

Do you think Bill Cosby used "Kids say the darndest things" at any point in his defense?

The title is the whole joke. It’s probably been said in one way shape or form but I think it’s funny.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

Did you know words can be used for self defense?

Its the art of talkwondo

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

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What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense?

Jew Jitsu

Breaking News: Secretary of Defense Mattis has released an official statement on the realistic outlook of a North Korean pre-emptive attack.

*"We'd whoop-them-Gangum-style."*

Ignorance of the law is not a valid defense…

unless you're the president

I'm writing an English to Spanish self defense book.

It's called " No means no."

The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

The Green Bay Packers' Defense

That's it. That's the joke. LET'S GO FALCONS!

Bill Cosby's defense rested after 6 minutes into the trial.

I guess they drank his Kool-Aid.

I did a self defense course

I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion

Come up with one sentence that uses, "defeat," "deduct," "defense," and "detail."

Easy. Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could h...

What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?

well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings

What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

He got crossed.

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

I became ill after taking self-defense classes...

I think I caught Kung Flu.

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker?

I use them both to get off.

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

The Priest and the Frog.

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine ...

Jungle Defense

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets a...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

So North Korea's Kim Jong-Un executes it's defense chief with an anti-aircraft gun.

I bet he took a lot of flak for that.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

Why are defense lawyers the best lovers?

Because they're great at getting you off.

My trusty .22

People hate on a .22 all the time saying it's not enough power or not man enough. My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire .22 short. I've carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it in my back pocket.

I remember one time while hik...

I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense...

It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Defense attorneys are just like porn stars.

Their only job is to get you off.

Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

Family politics

A mother-in-law was welcoming her newly wed daughter-in-law and explaining the hierarchy:

"I am Vice President, Home Affairs Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house.

Your Father-in-law is the President, Defense and Security Minister and Foreign Affairs Minister.

My So...

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Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him...

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When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

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Elderly Sex

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder...

President Trump was told there were at least 12 Brazilians in the migrant caravan headed to the Southern border...

Mr President turned to his Defense Secretary and whispered: "how much is a brazillion?"

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

Three Fencers Walk Into a Bar.

Looking around, they see the bartender telling a drunk customer to get out, that he's had too many. The customer goes to punch the bartender, but before he can land the hit the bartender grabs his head and smashes it into the granite countertop, breaking the drunkard's nose.

The police show u...

Three friends decided to go on a three day excursion into the jungle...

On the second day, Joey and Sam woke to find their friend, Creed, had disappeared. Knowing that he was a heavy sleeper and was prone to sleep walking, they quickly packed up to go find him.

They stumbled upon a remote village who welcomed them with open arms, fed them, and threw a three day f...

The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offsprin...

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry...

In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young woman who was several months pregnant ...

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then once again on seeing him laughing more. She file...

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While in the stirrups at the gynecologist’s office, the woman overhears the doctor say...

“My, what a big vagina!” … “My, what a big vagina!”

The woman became furious and spoke up: “I can’t believe I heard you say something so unprofessional—not just once, but twice!”

“I’m very sorry and I apologize” the doctor said, “But in my defense I only said it once ^once ^^once ^^^on...

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

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I cannot believe all the people being charged with sexually abusing minors. Can’t the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can’t they use those in self defense?

The house from UP was arrested for being high and kidnapping a child.

in its defense, the house said "I was framed!"

After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case,

the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge decla...

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.<...

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *...

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye.

In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

Did you hear about the guy who's on trial for throwing acid at people?

The defense is claiming that it's a *base*less accusation.

I took my grandma to fish spa. Everyone freaked out!

But in my defense, it's more affordable than cremation.

No offense against anyone....

But at least my defense is top tier.

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A True Story- the Saga of Tyrone

Tyrone is a young man who stands about five foot four, and may weigh 90 pounds. What he lacks in size, he makes up for in mouth. Tyrone has the unfortunate combination of a big mouth, and gullible nature, so when he was thrown in jail for re-victimizing the same young girl, he started asking aroun...

Stalin and his general

Stalin's most trusted general has just finished giving Stalin his latest report on the Soviet defenses against the invading German troops. As the general exits Stalin's quarters, he mutters, "Hideous mustache! It reflects the iniquity within!!"

Unfortunately for him, he is overheard by Stalin...

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.

The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vendi...

A missile wasn't fired...

But someone in civil defense sure will be.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words:

defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

What do you call a lawyer with a black belt in karate?

A self defense attorney!

Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space

Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.

**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.

**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like ...

Why was the banana a good prosecutor?

She always made the defense slip up on appeal.

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to t...

Trump summons all his top aides to his office one day

He declares "This is a national emergency! Someone find me my important papers!'
The Secretary of Defense pulls out an urgent report on North Korea. "No not those you moron!"
The CIA director hands him evidence of an upcoming terrorist plot. He rips it in half and yells "No! You're fired!"
...

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

Second half centipede

The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a foot...

My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.

I said it's for shelf-defense.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A head of state is suspicious about his wife

A head of state is suspicious about his wife cheating with a member of his cabinet.

So one night he inserts a razor blade inside her and after a week has passed ordered all the members to remove their pants. To his surprise everyone had his dick cut except the Minister of Defense. He then tha...

New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

In an interview, Simpson stated he got the job after responding to a Craigslist ad. He added, "They were looking for a defensive coordinator, and I just though to myself... nobody has more success at building a strong defense than I do."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tonight, I watched someone ruin over 20 years of sobriety. It was a shitshow.

But, in her defense, you only turn 21 once.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Now I know why black people are so good at basketball

It's because theyre so used to putting their hands up in defense.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tell all old woman at the court of a small provincial town

At the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness, an old woman around 80 and he asks her with a professional style: "Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?" "Of course, I know you Mr. Smith! says the old woman. I know you since you were little, and I have to confess that I am very di...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A motorcycle cop stops

a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!


So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade,...

A man is being tried for murder, but the body has not yet been found.

The jury is considering the death penalty. The man's defense lawyer comes on the podium and says he has a revelation to make.

"The victim is alive," the lawyer says, "I found him and he will enter this doorway right about now."

The court then turns their heads toward the door waiting ...

An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife...

An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife and is claiming temporary insanity as a defense. He is on the stand and is asked to describe the crime in his own words.

"Your Honor, I am a quiet, peaceful man who never bothers anyone. For the last twenty years, I get up at eight every morning...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why I changed my name

Well, for my story to make any sense, I need to clarify that I'm somewhat of a celebrity in my country. I think even internationally people have heard about me, though I'm not too sure about it (fortunately the people who know about me also tend to be technologically a bit behind the curve, so you d...

After Trump is elected President.

During a security briefing at the White House, the Defense Secretary breaks some tragic news: "Mr President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday while supporting U.S. troops."

"My God!" shrieks President Trump, and he buries his head in his hands. He remains stunned and silent for ...

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ADVICE FROM RON - A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is
important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to
maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice
this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitiv...

Brady once again charged with letting the air out of something.

This time it was the Falcons defense