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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid for his self-defense

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fence.

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...

The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.

He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.

He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.

After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you ...

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he’s got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. “Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?”

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

Why is a van the best defense against the wolf man?

If he is behind you he’ll get exhausted, if he’s in front he’ll get tired.

What did the painting say in its defense?

I've been framed!

I was started dating a girl that had a twin and I ended up making out with her twin.

In my defense, he was really hot.

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The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

You hear about the quarterback who switched teams after being sacked 8 times??

The grass was greener on the other side of defense.

What do bees and me have in common?

Both of us become suicidal as a defense mechanism

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:


"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"


The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

Defense Secretary Shanahan briefed the President this morning.

He told Trump that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Trump's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaking. Finally, he composed himself and asked Shanahan, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

I just want to share a Filipino joke

A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words defense, defeat, and detail in a sentence.

The student answered, "Da dog jamped ober da pens: pers da peet and den da tail."

A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence.

The student...

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

Did you know words can be used for self defense?

Its the art of talkwondo

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

How do you say "Insanity defense" in Spanish?

Locomotive.

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

Keep it simple stupid

Drill sgt. looks at the recruits at basic and says, “I’m going to give you four important words in the Army and you need to make a sentence as quick as possible. The four words are; defense, defeat, deduct, and detail. Pri’ate Johnson, go!” Johnson just stares at the drill blankly. “Boom, you’re dea...

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A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

In R.Kelly’s defense.....

He said that he didn’t see nothing wrong with a little bump-n-grind.....

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

Rudy Giuliani is such a bad defense attorney that.....

He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted.



Or you could say,



He would have gotten Brock Turner jail time.

Mississippi Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She respon...

A girl got stung stung by a jellyfish and I peed on it to relieve the pain

She was actually stung six months ago, but in my defense, the scar was still there

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could h...

Do you think Bill Cosby used "Kids say the darndest things" at any point in his defense?

The title is the whole joke. It’s probably been said in one way shape or form but I think it’s funny.

As a defense attorney for ED malpractice suits, I had a terrific strategy. . .

but it didn't stand up in court.

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Judge to CEO "Why did you have sex with your employees in your office? It is a crime"

CEO: In my defense, it was Christmas time.

Judge: So?

CEO:They barged into my office, angry and frustrated, demandi....

Judge: Demanding what?

CEO: Bone us.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

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I'm sorry I asked if you fucked Gollum when you showed me your baby

but, in my defense, you said he looks just like his daddy.

I did a self defense course

I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion

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What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense?

Jew Jitsu

Ignorance of the law is not a valid defense…

unless you're the president

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What's a self-defense tactic used against the Nazis in World War II?

Jewjitsu.

The Green Bay Packers' Defense

That's it. That's the joke. LET'S GO FALCONS!

I'm writing an English to Spanish self defense book.

It's called " No means no."

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

He got crossed.

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?

well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings

Bill Cosby's defense rested after 6 minutes into the trial.

I guess they drank his Kool-Aid.

Come up with one sentence that uses, "defeat," "deduct," "defense," and "detail."

Easy. Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.

I became ill after taking self-defense classes...

I think I caught Kung Flu.

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Jungle Defense

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets a...

I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense...

It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

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What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker?

I use them both to get off.

So North Korea's Kim Jong-Un executes it's defense chief with an anti-aircraft gun.

I bet he took a lot of flak for that.

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

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A father and son go on a nature expedition in Alaska.

On their first day, they meet their guide who gives them a rundown of everything they can expect during their trip. During the conversation, the son notices a very large caliber pistol strapped to the ranger's side. "Wow, that's a big pistol" he comments, "What do you use it for?" "Well son, this is...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

my son was so funny today!

so i was walking in the park and my son said “what are those white things in the sky dad?” so i said that those are clouds. next he asked “what is the earths defense system?” and then i remembered i don’t have a son and he looked at me with obsidian black eyes and said “w̶̱̮̓̈̏h̷̺̮̙̊͘̕ȧ̶̹͓̪͑̃t̴̳̪͚̀...

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.<...

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When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

Why are defense lawyers the best lovers?

Because they're great at getting you off.

A rookie officer was in IA after shooting a man that had flagged him down while on fire.

In his defense, the man had been waving a Fire Arm in his direction.

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Defense attorneys are just like porn stars.

Their only job is to get you off.

What do you call the Imodium the head nurse at Hogwarts gives you?

Defense Against the Dark Farts

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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A bartender asked a patron why he is so sad...

The patron replies, "sad? This is turning out to be the best day of my life." The bartender presses on however and once again asks, "if today is the best day of your life why do you look just so sad?" The patron thinks about it for a second and tells the bartender "i dunno what to tell you its a gre...

Accomplice?!?

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

A depressed man walks into a lawyer’s office...

“I’ve been accused of stealing!” he exclaims. “They day I stole canned ham from the back of a delivery truck. But I’m innocent!”
“Alright,” the defense attorney says. “I’ll take your case. But it’ll cost you $5000.”
“I’ll pay you $2500 now, and pay the rest after the trial,” the man says.
...

My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

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