I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?!

Because she’s always running away from the ball.

Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls

Man goes to watch his local soccer team

It's his first time watching them. He takes what he believes to be his seat. After several minutes, an old man takes a seat next to him.

The old man starts to become tearful.

"What's wrong?" says the younger man.

"That seat was my wife's for many decades. She passed away last w...

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

After my son’s soccer game, the goalkeeper invited him and I for a party afterwards.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Playing Soccer is addictve and I wanna stop,

but I can't seem to kick the habit.

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

Why would Jesus Christ be a great soccer player?

He really knows how to nail a cross...

I saw so many people arguing about if it's called football or soccer, I thought calling it a new way...

Fooccer

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do moms all over the world hate the best player in soccer?

Cause he is messi.

Dad checking out.

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?











He turns off the PlayStation.



P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.

Just to get the ball rolling.

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.

He's a keeper.

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

We don't need to cancel the World Cup because of Covid-19

Because soccer players never get within 2 metres of each other anyway.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgivin...

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

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A bus full of blind people was traveling on the road.

After driving for a long time, the bus driver gets tired and needs to rest. He parks the bus near a cafeteria.

"I'm going to eat lunch and take a rest," the driver says to the blind passengers. "I'll come back in an hour."

"No problem," says one of the blind men. "We'll play soccer whi...

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

Why didn't Indians play soccer?

When referee gives them a corner, they want to open a shop.

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup?

He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

Why are swimmers good at soccer?

Because they dive a lot.

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

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There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

What's a philosopher's favorite sports attire?

soccer tees.

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common?

They both know how to lay down and fake it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player?

For his stamina - mina - eh! eh!

My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are soccer players shit at origami?

Because they can't use their hands

Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins.

Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.

I think she is a keeper.

How's the soccer game going?

Good! It's 3-1 now. The first goal was made by Ronaldo and the other two by someone named replay.

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

The American soccer team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

Three friends are chatting while having a drink

The first one says "My wife just gave birth to our fourth son, just one more and I can start a basketball team."

The second one says "I got you beat, my wife just gave birth to our tenth son, just one more and I can start a soccer team."

The third one then replies "That's nothing, my ...

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

What do ghetto rats and suburban soccer moms have in common?

They both enjoy the BBC.

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

Soccer is the only sport that's not a game of inches.

It's a game of feet.

My brother plays soccer for a team called the Musketeers

They've started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

There's so much corruption in French soccer.

One week I watched Paris play Nice and the next week they were obviously playing Toulouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The next time England's soccer team plays in the World Cup they should be made up of all female porn stars...

Because no doubt they'll blow a few, but they won't choke on the big one.

Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)?

Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.

Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were sh...

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

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