UPJOKE
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“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?…

She kept running away from the ball!…

(This has probably already been posted on here, but I don’t really know, so I’m just going to post it…)

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

My boyfriend made a save in a soccer game.

That's how I knew he was a keeper.

Soccer is a strange game.

Soccer is a bunch of people running away from their goals.

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Why did the tiny soccer player take a shower?

He was a little Messi.

Why do italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides

Soccer is like a high school date…

It's 90 minutes of scoreless action and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.

There was a guy playing soccer with his friends...

and out of nowhere, he stops and makes a gesture of respect towards a funeral procession. A friend comes over and says, "Well, we should show respect." To which the first guy replies, "It's just that after 10 years of marriage, it's the least I can do.

The college soccer team wants to interview me because I say I once ran two soccer teams on my resume

Yes I used to own a foosball table, I’m their best choice.

What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Why was Cinderella so bad at Soccer?

She kept running away from the ball.

They should end soccer games with an art competition.

That way it would be win, lose or draw.

The US womens Soccer team finally got paid like the mens team!

They preformed like the mens team too.

Why do incels hate playing soccer?

Because they’re not allowed to use their hands.

I don't watch Soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to the bar.

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

This new girl joined our soccer team

I was amazed, she was exactly what we wanted

She was tall, she was athletic, her legs were long, she wasn't fragile and she was extremely good with her hands

The moment I saw her I knew,

She's a keeper.

3 elderly football (soccer) fans walk into a church …

3 elderly football fans walk into a church. The first is a Liverpool fan, the second is a Tottenham fan and the third is an England fan. As they walk through the doors a bellowing voice greets them from above. It’s God and he exclaims “Welcome! I don’t do this often, but every now and then I like to...

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

Who is Homer Simpson's favorite soccer player?

Ronal-D'oh!

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

My wife cheated on me because I always think about soccer...

Well, looks like she's on loan to my neighbor!

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A football/soccer coach yells at his team after the game

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.

Policemen are looking into it now.

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

Yo mamma so fat

Her favourite soccer team is Hamburg

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

Playing Soccer is addictve and I wanna stop,

but I can't seem to kick the habit.

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

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A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.


" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.


When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

Why do the drwafs giggle when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.

A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."

"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'...

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Fart Soccer

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "1-0".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart soccer."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Goal! Tie score..."

After about five m...

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A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

Why would Jesus Christ be a great soccer player?

He really knows how to nail a cross...

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

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Why are soccer players shit at origami?

Because they can't use their hands

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Why do moms all over the world hate the best player in soccer?

Cause he is messi.

Dad checking out.

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

Twilight's like soccer

Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

Why can't Pakistanis play soccer?

Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

Best African soccer team EVER!

the French National team...

There's so much corruption in French soccer.

One week I watched Paris play Nice and the next week they were obviously playing Toulouse.

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best soccer team in the world

We will put gays as defenders, since they pressure well from the back.

Arabs, Chinese and Caucasians in mid because they bring color to the field.

Jews will be attackers because it's frowned upon to chase them.

And a 50 year old nun as our goalkeeper.
Because she hasn't let...

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

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