UPJOKE
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I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

Soccer is a strange game.

Soccer is a bunch of people running away from their goals.

Why do dwarfs laugh when playing soccer?

The grass tickles their balls.

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going...

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.


The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:


“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

Who is Homer Simpson's favorite soccer player?

Ronal-D'oh!

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

School counselor

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
...

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Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

Why was the dog bad at soccer?

Because he had two left feet

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

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why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

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A mother is driving her son to soccer practice behind Lorena Bobbitt, who flung her husband's severed penis out the window

The penis hit the mother's windshield, and her son yelled out "What was That???"

The mother said, "Nevermind, it was just a bug"

The son replied, "Did you see the pecker on that thing?!"

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

What do you call a senile old man thats surprisingly good at Soccer?

Gerry Hat-Trick

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

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3 blind men…

3 blind men were playing soccer and suddenly one of them kicks the ball into the window of a brothel. one of the blind men walks up to the brothel and a lady opens the door. he asks for their soccer ball so the lady took out her left boob and asked him if this is what he is looking for. he told her ...

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.

It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host.

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Playing Soccer is addictve and I wanna stop,

but I can't seem to kick the habit.

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

Why didn't Indians play soccer?

When referee gives them a corner, they want to open a shop.

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

I just got a dog who likes to play soccer and roll on the ground

I decided to call him "neybark"

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

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New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?











He turns off the PlayStation.



P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.

"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said

"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"

"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? Th...

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a spectator.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

One of my friends who plays soccer almost had to play on some ground with mounds of dirt.

They had to level the playing field.

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A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

My grandpa was very competitive...

My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.

But I’ll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…

…”staring c...

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.

Just to get the ball rolling.

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

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A spanish family goes to a sports store.

The son picks up a Germany T-shirt for soccer and says to his sister:

"I've decided I'm going to be a Germany fan and I want this T-shirt for my birthday."
The big sister reacts angrily and slaps him in the face.
"Are you stupid, go talk to mom about it."

So the little boy wit...

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

Why do Incels play soccer?

Because they're pros at failing to score.

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup?

He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

Timothy goes to a birthday party

A little boy named Timothy goes to a birthday party with his father. When he arrives, the hostess asks him, "How are you, Timmy?"

Timothy replies, "I'm good."

"I think you have the wrong word there," the host chuckles, wanting to correct his grammar.

"Eh, whatever," Timothy shru...

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

Why are swimmers good at soccer?

Because they dive a lot.

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How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

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Why are soccer players shit at origami?

Because they can't use their hands

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this ...

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.

I think she is a keeper.

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

Do you know why an Asian teams can never win the soccer world cup?

...Every time a player gets a corner, he builds a shop

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.

A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."

"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'...

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

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