I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

Soccer is a strange game.

Soccer is a bunch of people running away from their goals.

Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

I started dating a girl who loves soccer

She’s a keeper

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother is driving her son to soccer practice behind Lorena Bobbitt, who flung her husband's severed penis out the window

The penis hit the mother's windshield, and her son yelled out "What was That???"

The mother said, "Nevermind, it was just a bug"

The son replied, "Did you see the pecker on that thing?!"

A football/soccer coach yells at his team after the game

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

What do you call a senile old man thats surprisingly good at Soccer?

Gerry Hat-Trick

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.

It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A spanish family goes to a sports store.

The son picks up a Germany T-shirt for soccer and says to his sister:

"I've decided I'm going to be a Germany fan and I want this T-shirt for my birthday."
The big sister reacts angrily and slaps him in the face.
"Are you stupid, go talk to mom about it."

So the little boy wit...

My grandpa was very competitive...

My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.

But I’ll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…

…”staring c...

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a spectator.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

Why do moms all over the world hate the best player in soccer?

Cause he is messi.

Dad checking out.

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?











He turns off the PlayStation.



P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this ...

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

Why would Jesus Christ be a great soccer player?

He really knows how to nail a cross...

I saw so many people arguing about if it's called football or soccer, I thought calling it a new way...

Fooccer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

How can you recover from any injury almost immediately?

Be a (professional) soccer player.

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

A grandma asks her grandson if he'd like to go shopping with her.

The grandson responds "Not now, Grandma, I'm watching a soccer game!"


"Oh, really? Who's playing?"


"Czechs on Slovakia!"


"Against who?"

Timothy goes to a birthday party

A little boy named Timothy goes to a birthday party with his father. When he arrives, the hostess asks him, "How are you, Timmy?"

Timothy replies, "I'm good."

"I think you have the wrong word there," the host chuckles, wanting to correct his grammar.

"Eh, whatever," Timothy shru...

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"

"No."

"Do you play soccer?"

"No."

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

So I tried to volunteer for my local soccer team, and they asked me “What’s your favourite position?”

I’d still like to know how exactly “Doggystyle” wasn’t a valid answer.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.

Just to get the ball rolling.

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup?

He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

Why are swimmers good at soccer?

Because they dive a lot.

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are soccer players shit at origami?

Because they can't use their hands

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

England soccer team have got a new captain today

His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.

I think she is a keeper.

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins.

Do you know why an Asian teams can never win the soccer world cup?

...Every time a player gets a corner, he builds a shop

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

Mr Trump was invited to visit a poor African country.

A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Trump listened intently and said

"Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty yo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.