I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my wife if she cheated on me I would throw fourteen hundred soccer balls at her.

She told me I don't have the balls.

I find it amusing Americans call it “soccer” and the English call it “football”

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it “shooting range” and the Americans call it “school”

I signed up for a soccer team and they asked me my favorite position.

I told them missionary style but lately I've had a hard time scoring.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

My GF plays soccer

I think she's a keeper

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

**Because she always runs away from the ball!**

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.

​

“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.

​

“Sto...

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad's job

(German here)

The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;

"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.

So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"

...

Club Attender: Man, that security guard really didn't like that soccer ball...

Club Attender 2: Yeah, he was kicked out.

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins.

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

How's the soccer game going?

Good! It's 3-1 now. The first goal was made by Ronaldo and the other two by someone named replay.

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.

I think she is a keeper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

Why cant’t Indians play soccer?

Because every time they get a corner they build a convenience store on it

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are soccer players shit at origami?

Because they can't use their hands

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

My brother plays soccer for a team called the Musketeers

They've started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Korean soccer player goes to the doctor

The doctor says "How can I help you?"

"One of my balls is sore and swollen. It's much bigger than the other one."

Doctor: "Show me"

"No, you'll laugh at me."

Doctor: "I see this stuff all the time. Let me have a look."

"Ok but only if you promise not to laugh."
...

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

What's the difference between a pervert and the german soccer team?

A pervert has little trouble finishing.

Why couldn't the English Soccer player have a drink after the game?

No cup.

I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

TIFU by going on a hike with my soccer team

Obligatory this happened a three weeks ago...

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

Soccer is the only sport that's not a game of inches.

It's a game of feet.

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

What did the Thai soccer player say to the rescue diver?

I didn't want to follow the coach but I eventually caved in

What did the bad soccer announcer get in his stocking for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

Do you know why an Asian teams can never win the soccer world cup?

...Every time a player gets a corner, he builds a shop

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a store in US, a customer asked for half pound of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only one pound packs were available, but the man insisted on buying only half a pound.

So the boy went inside the manager's cabin and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only half pound of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing righ...

Trump should hire the Swedish Soccer team..

Mexico couldn't break their wall.

There's so much corruption in French soccer.

One week I watched Paris play Nice and the next week they were obviously playing Toulouse.

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

What do ghetto rats and suburban soccer moms have in common?

They both enjoy the BBC.

The American soccer team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?

When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.

Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were sh...

I don't watch Soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to the bar.

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What soccer team is the butt of all soccer jokes?

Arsenal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between someone wearing a wristwatch, and the US Soccer team?

Nothing. They both have time on their hands.

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch.


When they were already both naked, the husband arrives early too and the wife puts the lover in the wardrobe too without noticing her son was already in there.

<...

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

What runs around a soccer field but never moves?

A fence.

Credit: Leftover Laffy Taffy from Halloween. #157 Julie D., Boise, ID

Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)?

Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

England soccer team have got a new captain today

His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The best soccer team in the world

We will put gays as defenders, since they pressure well from the back.

Arabs, Chinese and Caucasians in mid because they bring color to the field.

Jews will be attackers because it's frowned upon to chase them.

And a 50 year old nun as our goalkeeper.
Because she hasn't let...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fart Soccer

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "1-0".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart soccer."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Goal! Tie score..."

After about five m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew, an Italian, and a Black guy at recess [Possibly NSFW and offensive]

Once, there were three third graders. One was Italian, one was Jewish, and one was Black. They were at recess. They were also good friends.

"Whaddya wanna play?", the Black guy said.

"Uh...soccer", the Jew said.

"I can't run. Remember my leg?", the Italian guy said.

"How ...

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.