This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

Congrats to Rose Lavelle of Women’s National Soccer team for winning the Bronze Ball, awarded for being the 3rd best player at the World Cup!

Also, huge congrats to the entire Men’s National Soccer team for coming so close but not finishing, winning the Blue Ball.

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player?

For his stamina - mina - eh! eh!

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common?

They both know how to lay down and fake it.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup?

He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

I find it amusing Americans call it “soccer” and the English call it “football”

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it “shooting range” and the Americans call it “school”

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

**Because she always runs away from the ball!**

I signed up for a soccer team and they asked me my favorite position.

I told them missionary style but lately I've had a hard time scoring.

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

Why do Incels play soccer?

Because they're pros at failing to score.

Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

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Dad's job

(German here)

The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;

"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.

So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"

...

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

How's the soccer game going?

Good! It's 3-1 now. The first goal was made by Ronaldo and the other two by someone named replay.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.

I think she is a keeper.

Why cant’t Indians play soccer?

Because every time they get a corner they build a convenience store on it

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

My brother plays soccer for a team called the Musketeers

They've started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.

Do you know why an Asian teams can never win the soccer world cup?

...Every time a player gets a corner, he builds a shop

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A Korean soccer player goes to the doctor

The doctor says "How can I help you?"

"One of my balls is sore and swollen. It's much bigger than the other one."

Doctor: "Show me"

"No, you'll laugh at me."

Doctor: "I see this stuff all the time. Let me have a look."

"Ok but only if you promise not to laugh."
...

TIFU by going on a hike with my soccer team

Obligatory this happened a three weeks ago...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a store in US, a customer asked for half pound of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only one pound packs were available, but the man insisted on buying only half a pound.

So the boy went inside the manager's cabin and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only half pound of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing righ...

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

Soccer is the only sport that's not a game of inches.

It's a game of feet.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did the Thai soccer player say to the rescue diver?

I didn't want to follow the coach but I eventually caved in

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?

When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

There's so much corruption in French soccer.

One week I watched Paris play Nice and the next week they were obviously playing Toulouse.

The American soccer team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)?

Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.

Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were sh...

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch.


When they were already both naked, the husband arrives early too and the wife puts the lover in the wardrobe too without noticing her son was already in there.

<...

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What soccer team is the butt of all soccer jokes?

Arsenal

What runs around a soccer field but never moves?

A fence.

Credit: Leftover Laffy Taffy from Halloween. #157 Julie D., Boise, ID

England soccer team have got a new captain today

His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, an Italian, and a Black guy at recess [Possibly NSFW and offensive]

Once, there were three third graders. One was Italian, one was Jewish, and one was Black. They were at recess. They were also good friends.

"Whaddya wanna play?", the Black guy said.

"Uh...soccer", the Jew said.

"I can't run. Remember my leg?", the Italian guy said.

"How ...

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