Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?!

Because she’s always running away from the ball.

I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

Soccer is a strange game.

Soccer is a bunch of people running away from their goals.

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a spectator.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

One of my friends who plays soccer almost had to play on some ground with mounds of dirt.

They had to level the playing field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.


" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.


When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

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Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

I saw so many people arguing about if it's called football or soccer, I thought calling it a new way...

Fooccer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?











He turns off the PlayStation.



P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

After my son’s soccer game, the goalkeeper invited him and I for a party afterwards.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Playing Soccer is addictve and I wanna stop,

but I can't seem to kick the habit.

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.

Just to get the ball rolling.

Why didn't Indians play soccer?

When referee gives them a corner, they want to open a shop.

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

Why do moms all over the world hate the best player in soccer?

Cause he is messi.

Dad checking out.

which brain?

one day, a patient wanted a new brain.

the doctor asked, "which brain would you like? there is a soccer player's brain for $100k, a lawyer's brain for $75k, and a doctors brain for $50k."

the patient replied, "why is the soccer player's brain so expensive?"

the doctor said, *"b...

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup?

He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.

He's a keeper.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

So I tried to volunteer for my local soccer team, and they asked me “What’s your favourite position?”

I’d still like to know how exactly “Doggystyle” wasn’t a valid answer.

A guy came to three guys and told them he is God. They demanded a proof.

Guy claiming to be God: “I can make you turn into whatever you want without you even saying it”

First guy turns to a soccer player, and the street turns to a soccer field with lots of players. Then suddenly he is badly injured by the third guy.

They are suddenly dropped back to the s...

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.



“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.



“Stones, sir,” the officer r...

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

Why are swimmers good at soccer?

Because they dive a lot.

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

I signed up for a soccer team and they asked me my favorite position.

I told them missionary style but lately I've had a hard time scoring.

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A bus full of blind people was traveling on the road.

After driving for a long time, the bus driver gets tired and needs to rest. He parks the bus near a cafeteria.

"I'm going to eat lunch and take a rest," the driver says to the blind passengers. "I'll come back in an hour."

"No problem," says one of the blind men. "We'll play soccer whi...

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgivin...

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

My girlfriend is the star goalie of her soccer team

She's a keeper

Which countries did the Netherlands need to beat to get to the womens soccer final?

Most notably Spain but that was about 400 years ago.

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common?

They both know how to lay down and fake it.

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.

I think she is a keeper.

How's the soccer game going?

Good! It's 3-1 now. The first goal was made by Ronaldo and the other two by someone named replay.

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

The American soccer team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

We don't need to cancel the World Cup because of Covid-19

Because soccer players never get within 2 metres of each other anyway.

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

A dad takes his special needs son to soccer tryouts.

After his son fails at shooting, passing and set pieces, the coach approaches the father and says, "are you sure your son is cut out for this?"

The father replies, "you haven't seen his best attribute yet."

"What's that?"

"Dribbling."

Do you know why an Asian teams can never win the soccer world cup?

...Every time a player gets a corner, he builds a shop

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

My brother plays soccer for a team called the Musketeers

They've started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

TIFU by going on a hike with my soccer team

Obligatory this happened a three weeks ago...

I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.

Soccer is the only sport that's not a game of inches.

It's a game of feet.

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)?

Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

What did the Thai soccer player say to the rescue diver?

I didn't want to follow the coach but I eventually caved in

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