The 102+ Best Soccer Jokes

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!

Afte...

My boyfriend made a save in a soccer game.

That's how I knew he was a keeper.

School counselor

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
...

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?…

She kept running away from the ball!…

(This has probably already been posted on here, but I don’t really know, so I’m just going to post it…)

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?

Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.

Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?

Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?

Why do incels hate playing soccer?

Because they’re not allowed to use their hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

You want to witness medical miracles?

Then watch a soccer match.

What did the soccer fan say when the beer ran out?

Damn, this game is boring.

Dentist

A man came to dentist to check his teeth. After the examination the dentist said that everything was alright, but asked the man for a favor.

\- No problem. What favor?

\- Could you please now start screaming at the top of your lungs?

\- But why? I feel no pain, and you say all i...

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.

All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.

The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:

“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

My grandpa was very competitive...

My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.

But I’ll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…

…”staring c...

A football/soccer coach yells at his team after the game

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

Soccer is a strange game.

Soccer is a bunch of people running away from their goals.

My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

Why do the drwafs giggle when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

This new girl joined our soccer team

I was amazed, she was exactly what we wanted

She was tall, she was athletic, her legs were long, she wasn't fragile and she was extremely good with her hands

The moment I saw her I knew,

She's a keeper.

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

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3 blind men…

3 blind men were playing soccer and suddenly one of them kicks the ball into the window of a brothel. one of the blind men walks up to the brothel and a lady opens the door. he asks for their soccer ball so the lady took out her left boob and asked him if this is what he is looking for. he told her ...

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

Why are soccer players so driven?

They have goals.

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A spanish family goes to a sports store.

The son picks up a Germany T-shirt for soccer and says to his sister:

"I've decided I'm going to be a Germany fan and I want this T-shirt for my birthday."
The big sister reacts angrily and slaps him in the face.
"Are you stupid, go talk to mom about it."

So the little boy wit...

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

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A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

A guy came to three guys and told them he is God. They demanded a proof.

Guy claiming to be God: “I can make you turn into whatever you want without you even saying it”

First guy turns to a soccer player, and the street turns to a soccer field with lots of players. Then suddenly he is badly injured by the third guy.

They are suddenly dropped back to the s...

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New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?

He turns off the PlayStation.

P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.

"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said

"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"

"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? Th...

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

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A mother is driving her son to soccer practice behind Lorena Bobbitt, who flung her husband's severed penis out the window

The penis hit the mother's windshield, and her son yelled out "What was That???"

The mother said, "Nevermind, it was just a bug"

The son replied, "Did you see the pecker on that thing?!"

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this ...

What do you call a senile old man thats surprisingly good at Soccer?

Gerry Hat-Trick

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.

It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host.

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

An Italian, an Englishman and an American are granted an audience with God.

The Lord lets them ask a question about the future.

The Italian asks, “I’m a big F1 racing fan. When will Ferrari win another World Championship?” “In 20 years,” says God.

The Italian wails, “I’m an old man. I’ll never get to see my team win a championship.” He starts to cry.
...

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A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.

" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.

When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

A grandma asks her grandson if he'd like to go shopping with her.

The grandson responds "Not now, Grandma, I'm watching a soccer game!"

"Oh, really? Who's playing?"

"Czechs on Slovakia!"

"Against who?"

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"

"No."

"Do you play soccer?"

"No."

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

Timothy goes to a birthday party

A little boy named Timothy goes to a birthday party with his father. When he arrives, the hostess asks him, "How are you, Timmy?"

Timothy replies, "I'm good."

"I think you have the wrong word there," the host chuckles, wanting to correct his grammar.

"Eh, whatever," Timothy shru...

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America

Now I’m the worst on my soccer team

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

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A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

Playing Soccer is addictve and I wanna stop,

but I can't seem to kick the habit.

Why would Jesus Christ be a great soccer player?

He really knows how to nail a cross...

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

Why do moms all over the world hate the best player in soccer?

Cause he is messi.

Dad checking out.

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

which brain?

one day, a patient wanted a new brain.

the doctor asked, "which brain would you like? there is a soccer player's brain for $100k, a lawyer's brain for $75k, and a doctors brain for $50k."

the patient replied, "why is the soccer player's brain so expensive?"

the doctor said, *"b...

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

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There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

I saw so many people arguing about if it's called football or soccer, I thought calling it a new way...

Fooccer

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

Mr Trump was invited to visit a poor African country.

A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Trump listened intently and said

"Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty yo...

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A bus full of blind people was traveling on the road.

After driving for a long time, the bus driver gets tired and needs to rest. He parks the bus near a cafeteria.

"I'm going to eat lunch and take a rest," the driver says to the blind passengers. "I'll come back in an hour."

"No problem," says one of the blind men. "We'll play soccer whi...

What's a philosopher's favorite sports attire?

soccer tees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a spectator.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

Man goes to watch his local soccer team

It's his first time watching them. He takes what he believes to be his seat. After several minutes, an old man takes a seat next to him.

The old man starts to become tearful.

"What's wrong?" says the younger man.

"That seat was my wife's for many decades. She passed away last w...

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.

Just to get the ball rolling.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup?

He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

Three friends are chatting while having a drink

The first one says "My wife just gave birth to our fourth son, just one more and I can start a basketball team."

The second one says "I got you beat, my wife just gave birth to our tenth son, just one more and I can start a soccer team."

The third one then replies "That's nothing, my ...

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

Matthew McConaughey’s first initiative as owner of Austin Football Club will be to cut the Left Backs and Left Wingers. Their going to be “alright alright alright”

Got banned from r/soccer for this, they take their no jokes rule seriously. I’d been sitting on it other than that for a while.

An American, a German, and an Arab...

... meet in a bar and after a few drinks start bragging about their families. The American says “one more kid and I have an entire Basketball team.” Replies the German “ one more kid and I’ve got an entire soccer team.” The Arab bursts out laughing “one more wife and I got an entire Golf course!”

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

A trip to Brasil

[ An employee returning from his vacation is talking to his boss ]

So, how was your trip to Rio de Janeiro?

*It sucked. The entire country is just soccer and hookers.*

My wife's from Brasil.

*Oh... What team does she play for?*

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were discussing their families.

Jew: I have enough children to start my own baseball team.

Catholic: So What? When my wife delivers in the fall, I can start my own soccer team!

Mormon: I got you all beat. Two more wives and I’ll have my own private golf course.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgivin...

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

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