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Bob the builder

This is an old one, hopefully most of you haven’t heard it.

So the old man Bob was sitting with village children and reminiscing about old times. Bob says “ I built so many homes but nobody ever says, Bob the great home builder. Bob built so many miles of road but nobody calls Bob the great ...

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

Two builders are working on a scaffold...

...when one of them trips and falls. The other one leans out and yells "JOHN!!! ARE YOU HURT???"

”NOT YEEEEEeeeee...."

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his cloth...

I was at a party when this guy came in and said "I'm a builder!"

I thought, 'he knows how to make an enterance'. But it turns out he was just putting up a facade.

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me

Blind dude: I feel you.

Bob the builder

A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & screams into the answering machine “CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE??” Not this time Bob. Not this time.

What do you call unemployed Bob the builder?

Bob

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Two blonde builders were working on a house.

One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blon...

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

Why was the body builder playing with knives?

Because he wanted to get cut

Why do PC builders hate adoption?

Because they dont want a pre-build

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

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You build bridges for 30 years, no one calls you Bob the bridge builder.

You suck a dick ONE time!

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

What do you call Bob the builder during a recession?

Bob

(I'm sorry idk why, but I had to post this)

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

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A builder is brought in for questioning

**Chief**: do you think he did it?
**Interrogator**: yes Chief, he's about to break
**Chief**: are you sure?
**Interrogator**: positive Chief. I saw his bum crack.

Why are body builders so good at making cheese?

Because they have huge calves

What did the vegetarian body builder say after he found out he was gluten intolerant?

There ain't no whey!

What did the fence builder say when his fence fell down after driving the last pilon into an old buried hand grenade?

Wow, didn't expect this post to blow up!

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Peter and his father Deter are having a conversation on a hill top

Peter says," See that house there, I built that house with my bare hands. Do people call me Peter the house builder? NO.

See the church there, I built that church. Do they call me Peter the church builder.NO

And see that wall there I built that wall with my bare hands. Do they call me...

Ever since the boat builder had to work from home,

his Sails have been through the roof.

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My mate had builders in doing an extension...

and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.

At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of $2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money ...

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

Someone asked me today, who my favourite body builder is ?

That's easy, Dr Frankenstein.

Bob the Builder: Can we fix it?

Bob's Wife's Attorney: Please, just sign the papers Robert...

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

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I built this bridge, stone by stone! And they don't call me Tommy the bridge builder do they!?

But fuck one goat!....

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the body builder in his pharmacy?

These are not the ‘roids you are looking for.

2 builders, 4 plumber, and an electrician walk into a bar.

I really shouldn't have moved that hazard sign.

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What do a serial porn addict and a Christian body builder have in common?

Muscly forearms and a squeaky clean search history

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

What do you call a body builder with Parkinson’s?

A protein shake

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Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?

Female body builder:No,just a penis.

Long... Three builders...

Three builders are working on top of a tall building and decide to break for lunch. First guy opens his lunchbox and sees a ham and cheese sandwich. "I'm sick and tired of ham and cheese sandwiches, that's two weeks in a row now with nothing but ham and cheese sandwiches, if I get this tomorrow I'm ...

What's the builders' favourite country ?

Ucrane

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

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A scared builder is the best builder

'Cuz he be shitting bricks.

What did the body builder say when someone stole all his protein powder?

No Whey! Not a gain!

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A builder

I had a builder in yesterday who had lost his ears in a bandsaw.

"Fucking hell," I said,

"how do you manage?"

"I can still hear," he said,

"I just get on with it."

"No, I mean where do you put your pencil?"

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

Where would we be without builders?

Outside

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

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I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!

Guy #2: Okay

Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!

Guy #2: Sure

Guy #1: You s...

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

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The little builder

A cute golden-haired pre-schooler notices that they are building a house next door, and she starts hanging around the site and asking the builders about everything they are doing. They think she's adorable, so they find her a little hard hat and hi-vis, and they set her up in a corner of the yard wi...

What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

I was always a home builder

but lately I’ve developed an apartment complex.

What did the road inspector tell the road builder...

When he built the roadway wrong?

It's not my asphalt, it's your asphalt.

How does a fence builder tell jokes?

He reposts it.

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An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender

You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no

You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they c...

My boyfriend told me he wants me to be a body builder....

So I told him I was pregnant.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why did the body builder go to the crustacean church?

He heard that it was a good source of mussel mass

I met a part time body builder today, who happens to also be a Rabbi...

he's an absolute *Jew*-nit

Three builders are atop a large building at lunchtime... (Long)

The first builder opens his lunch box and says, "Cheese? Bloody cheese sandwiches again! If I have cheese sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building."

The second builder opens his lunch box and shouts, "Not ham sandwiches again! If I have ham sandwiches tomorrow I will throw my...

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An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...

...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.

The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of ...

How does Bob the Builder have a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

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There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job

There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job after he completed some work for us. Well that’s a load of bollocks. The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.

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Willy, a retired, Irish builder (long)

So Willy, a retired, Irish builder, was brooding in his ale at the pub one day with his good friend, Patty.

He glances out the window and says to Patty, “Look a there, Patty,” pointing out the window, “you see that fence over there?”

“Aye, I do.” Patty replied.

“Well, I built t...

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

Why did the airplane builder love his job?

Because every day was riveting.

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

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A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"

The retiring builder, a bit red...

What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed?

No whey...

Dad are we builders?

Yes mason!

People always give bridge builders a hard time...

They're just trying to make ends meet.

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McCulloch the builder

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,
"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me two hands! But do they call me McCulloch: The Barn Builder? Nah!" He...

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McTavish The Boat Builder [NSFW][Long]

So one day while on holiday Lee decides to visit a local bar...



While inside he orders a whiskey and while waiting for his drink his eye is caught by a man muttering obscenities a few stools over.

Curious, Lee decides to try his luck and asks what seems to be the problem.
T...

What is a builder's favourite pickup line?

I'd like to put my tongue in your groove.

Hear about the ex-body-builder couple that broke up?

They just weren't working out like they used to...

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McGregor was a mighty man.

Two Scotsman were drinking in bar. As they were walking out, one man lets out a sigh as he's looks out at their village, and his friend asks what's wrong.

"Look at our town." he replied. "You see that bridge crossing the river over there? I built that bridge with me own two hands. But do they...

I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done

He's surrounded by tools

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My name is Seamus and I build that bridge you just drove over. It's the longest spanning bridge in Ireland. Do they call me Seamus the Famous Bridge Builder?

No, they don't, but fuck one sheep...

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

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I grew up in a small village...

...where I pretty much laid all the new roads in the place but was I known as Mikey the road layer?

No.

I single handedly built three bridges across the river there connecting the two sides of the village for the first time ever. Was I known as Mikey the bridge builder?

No....

A hobbyist robot builder attempted to satirize the American public by building a 300 pound hunk of metal that sat in front of the TV all day long.

In the end, he had difficult maintaining it, because it didn't work out.

A builder came up to me.

He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?"

"Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."

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Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

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Willie the bridge builder

An old man is sitting at the bar when a young patron walks in. He notices the old man has quite a few empty shot glasses in front of him. He approaches the old man and says, "Hello sir, I don't mean to be nosy but you sure have a lot of empty shot glasses there. What's the matter?" The old man looks...

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Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

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An Italian man and his grandson are sitting on a cliff overlooking a town...

"My boy, leta mea tell you something abouta life." says the aged man. "I havea been a Stonemason in thisa town for \*fiftya\* years. For fifty years I have broken my back to build these peoples walls and houses. When people see me do they call me "wall builder Guiseppe"? No, they do not.

"I ...

Three builders are sitting on top of a building...

...when they decide to have lunch. The first builder grabs his lunch box.
"Every day for lunch my wife packs me an apple and I HATE apples. If I get another apple today, I'll jump." He opens up his lunch box and sure enough, inside is an apple. He grabs the apple, throws it as hard as he can and ...

What do catholic body builders lift?

Their guilt.

Why aren't dogs house builders?

They have trouble building woofs.

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MacGregor the Builder

An American was backpacking across the Scottish highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual...

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Three home builders

There were three home builders, an Asian, a german and an American working on finishing a home, when they realize they need more wood to finish up the back deck.

The Forman says he will go get it, and assigns jobs to each of them. He tells the American he is in charge of cleaning up the insi...

If body builders religiously try to gain weight..

Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?

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An old Scottish builder

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in there are the bartender and an old man nursing a beer.
He orders a pint and they sit in silence for a while and suddenly the old man turns to him and says to him, "Ya see this bar...

Two Mexican body builders

have devoted their lives to power-lifting and they just found out that certain protein supplements have become illegal. Just as one was about to sip on his protein shake, the other smacks it out of his hand and yells: "No whey, Jose!"

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The bridge builder

This man is sitting at his local pub ranting about all the accomplishments he had throughout his life, 'I built the bridge into town. Do they call me a bridge builder? No! I built half the roads in this town. Do they call me a roadbulder? No! I built countless houses. Do they call me a carpenter? No...

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My Father’s Favorite Joke

One day, a man goes to a remote village and goes to the pub. He is completely taken with how incredible the bar is. Eventually he speaks to the barman and tells him how he has travelled the world but that this is the most beautiful bar he has ever seen. The barman says:
“You like this bar, hr...

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