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A builder

I had a builder in yesterday who had lost his ears in a bandsaw.

"Fucking hell," I said,

"how do you manage?"

"I can still hear," he said,

"I just get on with it."

"No, I mean where do you put your pencil?"

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

What do airplane builders say about their job?

It's riveting

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You know you can build a thousand bridges and NEVER be known as a bridge builder...

But you fuck ONE goat...

Where would we be without builders?

Outside

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

Where did the builder buy his bricks from?

Wall-mart.

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An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender

You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no

You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they c...

What do you call a race for body builders?

Shredded Yeet

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I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!

Guy #2: Okay

Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!

Guy #2: Sure

Guy #1: You s...

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Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?

Female body builder:No,just a penis.

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

My boyfriend told me he wants me to be a body builder....

So I told him I was pregnant.

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Four men went golfing together one day...

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second ma...

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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What do you call a body builder with a tiny dick?

Penisaurus Rex

Why did the body builder go to the crustacean church?

He heard that it was a good source of mussel mass

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I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

A taste of Russian humor

Ivan had worked at the wheelbarrow factory for as long as anyone could remember, and the day of his retirement had finally arrived. He was well respected and even liked by all his coworkers, and his boss wanted to give him his last farewell at the end of his last day while he was walking out, so he...

I met a part time body builder today, who happens to also be a Rabbi...

he's an absolute *Jew*-nit

What did the road inspector tell the road builder...

When he built the roadway wrong?

It's not my asphalt, it's your asphalt.

Did you know women..

..are literal body builders.

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You can build a thousand bridges and not be a bridge builder.

But you suck one cock and your a cocksucker for life.

( I’m new here if this has been said before or recently sorry)

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

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A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and o...

Dad are we builders?

Yes mason!

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Johnny was a bitter man

"Look at all those trees" he said as he pointed towards a forest. "I planted all of those. Do they call me Johnny Tree-planter for that reason? No they don't"

Johnny turned around and pointed at a row of houses. "Look at all those houses." He said. "I built those. All of them. Do they call me...

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A man walks into a bar.

The only other person at the bar is an older man. After a few moments of silence the man turns and says:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor t...

Did you hear about the arabian body builder who built a business empire?

They called him the protein sheikh

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

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So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor ...

How does a fence builder tell jokes?

He reposts it.

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Willy, a retired, Irish builder (long)

So Willy, a retired, Irish builder, was brooding in his ale at the pub one day with his good friend, Patty.

He glances out the window and says to Patty, “Look a there, Patty,” pointing out the window, “you see that fence over there?”

“Aye, I do.” Patty replied.

“Well, I built t...

Three builders are eating lunch on a building they’re working on

It’s about 7 stories up and they’re dangling their feet on the end of the building. The first builder opens his lunch box and sees a tuna sandwich. He said that if his wife packs him a tuna sandwich one more time he’ll jump off the building. The second building opens his lunch box and sees a hotdog....

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Three builders are atop a large building at lunchtime... (Long)

The first builder opens his lunch box and says, "Cheese? Bloody cheese sandwiches again! If I have cheese sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building."

The second builder opens his lunch box and shouts, "Not ham sandwiches again! If I have ham sandwiches tomorrow I will throw my...

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Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"

He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde run...

What is a builder's favourite pickup line?

I'd like to put my tongue in your groove.

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A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"

The retiring builder, a bit red...

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I walked into an Irish pub and sat down with a beer

In the corner sat an old man by himself, looking down. So I got another beer and went to talk to him.

I sat down with him, and asked him what was wrong. He pointed out the window and said:

“You see that beautiful house at the end of the road? That’s my house, I built it myself. Do they...

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A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink.

Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied; "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored...

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

A guy is sitting at his desk at work when his phone starts ringing.

He answers:

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr Thomson, it's the builder. There's been a problem with your renovations."

"Oh dear, what's happened?" asks Mr Thomson

"Well, there's good news and bad news." says the builder, "The bad news is that your upstairs bathroom, and the second and t...

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

How does Bob the Builder have a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

Why did the airplane builder love his job?

Because every day was riveting.

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McTavish The Boat Builder [NSFW][Long]

So one day while on holiday Lee decides to visit a local bar...



While inside he orders a whiskey and while waiting for his drink his eye is caught by a man muttering obscenities a few stools over.

Curious, Lee decides to try his luck and asks what seems to be the problem.
T...

Tree house builders get no respect...

I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!

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Two Irish lads walking home from a pub...

Along the way, the older of the two starts babbling.

"You see that barn over there, Laddie? I built that barn with me own two hands. Framed it, roofed it, did it all me self. But do they call me a barn builder, Laddie? No, no they don't."

The two continue walking.

"You see that ...

What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.

An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply. The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.<...

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

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Peter the Builder

Derek and his grandpa, Peter, are sitting up on a hillside. Peter says "you see that wall, I helped build that wall, but do they call me Peter the wall builder? nooo. You see that house? I built that house but do they call me Peter the housebuilder? no. You see that church? I built that church too, ...

A hobbyist robot builder attempted to satirize the American public by building a 300 pound hunk of metal that sat in front of the TV all day long.

In the end, he had difficult maintaining it, because it didn't work out.

Hear about the ex-body-builder couple that broke up?

They just weren't working out like they used to...

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A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland..

A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland, no one is there but the bartender. He decided to sit down and have a pint.

They strike up a conversation, the bartender says, “you see this bar here? It’s the nicest bar in all of Ireland. It’s 100% oak, chopped the trees down myself. It’ll be here for 100’...

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An Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

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Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

People always give bridge builders a hard time...

They're just trying to make ends meet.

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

I was always a home builder

but lately I’ve developed an apartment complex.

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There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job

There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job after he completed some work for us. Well that’s a load of bollocks. The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.

What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed?

No whey...

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

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McDoogle walks into a bar.

He starts ordering several shots to drown his sorrows. He says to the bar keep you know when someone builds houses does anyone say there goes McDoogle the house builder? No they don’t. McDoogle downs another shot and orders another. He takes the glass in his hand and says when someone rescues childr...

What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

If body builders religiously try to gain weight..

Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?

A builder came up to me.

He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?"

"Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."

An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...

...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.

The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of ...

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Three home builders

There were three home builders, an Asian, a german and an American working on finishing a home, when they realize they need more wood to finish up the back deck.

The Forman says he will go get it, and assigns jobs to each of them. He tells the American he is in charge of cleaning up the insi...

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.



He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.



The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:



"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this P...

Why does Trump like Minecraft?

He doesn’t, it’s fake news but does appeal to his key demographic of miners and wall builders.

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

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McCulloch the builder

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,
"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me two hands! But do they call me McCulloch: The Barn Builder? Nah!" He...

Two Mexican body builders

have devoted their lives to power-lifting and they just found out that certain protein supplements have become illegal. Just as one was about to sip on his protein shake, the other smacks it out of his hand and yells: "No whey, Jose!"

I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done

He's surrounded by tools

What do catholic body builders lift?

Their guilt.

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The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. 

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-...

Three builders are sitting on top of a building...

...when they decide to have lunch. The first builder grabs his lunch box.
"Every day for lunch my wife packs me an apple and I HATE apples. If I get another apple today, I'll jump." He opens up his lunch box and sure enough, inside is an apple. He grabs the apple, throws it as hard as he can and ...

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O'Connor The...

So, I was having a conversation with some old irish guy at the pub, was pretty swell. We talked about life, hobbies, interests and then, jobs... Old guy starts with looking at the table, says out "Well I built dat table, but dey don't call me O'Connor De Table Maker." He looks to me, "I help some pe...

An guy goes for a job as a builder...

Foreman: "Ok, two things get you this job. Can you make a cup of tea?"

fella: "Yep."

Forman: "Can you drive a forklift?"

Fella: "BLOODY HELL! How big is the teapot?"

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A father is sitting with his son on a hilltop looking over the village...

The father says: "Son there's something I want you to understand... you see that house we live in?"

The son responded: "yes, dad"

Dad: "I built that house with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the house builder?" Son says no.

Father says "look at that wall around the village...

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Joseph the bar builder

A man is sitting at a bar, when he notices an older man in the corner staring at him. The older man speaks.

Older man: Do ya see that bar son?

Younger man: Uh... Yes I see it.

Older Man: I built that bar with me own hands. I cut the lumber, I nailed the nails, I polished the p...

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An old man is sitting in a bar

The bartender sees that he’s upset and asks what’s wrong.

The man replies, “you see that wall over there, it took me 4 years to build that wall but no one calls me John the wall builder.

“You see that boat in the harbor? It took me 6 years to build that boat, but no one calls me John t...

Halfwit Builders

Larry and Joe are nailing wood siding on a house.

Joe looks over at Larry and is shocked to see him picking the nails from his pouch, one by one, inspecting them, and throw them over his shoulder.

Joe yells, "hey Larry, what-in-the-hell are you doing throwing all those nails away for!...

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Willie the bridge builder

An old man is sitting at the bar when a young patron walks in. He notices the old man has quite a few empty shot glasses in front of him. He approaches the old man and says, "Hello sir, I don't mean to be nosy but you sure have a lot of empty shot glasses there. What's the matter?" The old man looks...

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An unfortunate Scot

You walk into a bar and sit down next to an older, Scottish man. You order a beer, and before long he turns to you and starts chatting.

[Pointing out the window] Ye see that house over there? Built it with me bare hands, took me five years, but they don’t call me MacGregor the House Builder...

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The bridge builder

This man is sitting at his local pub ranting about all the accomplishments he had throughout his life, 'I built the bridge into town. Do they call me a bridge builder? No! I built half the roads in this town. Do they call me a roadbulder? No! I built countless houses. Do they call me a carpenter? No...

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A man owns and runs a bar

So a man owns and runs a bar. He’s talking to his latest guest. “See this bar? I built it myself. Do they call me Fred the builder? No. See that stool you’re sitting on? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the carpenter? No. See that bridge out to mainland? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred th...

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An old Scottish builder

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in there are the bartender and an old man nursing a beer.
He orders a pint and they sit in silence for a while and suddenly the old man turns to him and says to him, "Ya see this bar...

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MacGregor the Builder

An American was backpacking across the Scottish highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual...

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While Visiting Scotland I stop at a bar

While I was in Scotland I stop at the local pub and belly up next to an old drunk Scot nursing his drink.



After a few drink he says to me, "Ach, laddie, you see this bar? This bar right here?! I built this bar with mine own two hands and mine own aching back! But do they call me MacGr...

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2 Irish strangers sitting at the bar....

After a beer one Irish man points out the window to the other and says, "you see that bridge laddy? I BUILT that BRIDGE with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor the BRIDGE BUILDER? No..



After 2 beers the Irish man points out the window again and says, "you see that house laddy...

Bob the Builder sacked!

The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.. They say they can no longer trust any children's Tv star who claims to be able to fix it!!

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Guy walks into a bar.

The place is totally packed standing room only except for one seat at the bar next to an older man. So the guy walks over and sits down. The older man turns to him and say hey! You see this bar? I made this bar, I sanded it I planed it, I wrapped the leather around the edge, do they call me McGregor...

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills.

The man asks "what's that jar for?" The bartender replies "well if you complete the challenge, you get that entire jar" the man says "there's got to be at least $2500 in there, what's the challenge?" The Bartender says "well first, you have to knock that guy out of his stool" the bartender point at...

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Chris Pratt's German Joke (in English)

Dieter and his grandpa Peter are sitting on top of a hill. Peter turns to Dieter and says, "You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the House Builder? No."

Then Peter points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare h...

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Once there was a Scottish man named MacGregor. One day, MacGregor was talking to a young boy about legacies. This is what MacGregor said:

Now young man, make sure you leave a good legacy and don't make mistakes like I did.

You see that moat over there? I built that moat with my own two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the moat builder? No, they don't.

You see that bridge over the moat? I built that bridge with my ow...

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Johan, the ...

I was passing through a local village and decided to take a break from my travels and rest at the inn. Fortunately, the inn was attached to the local pub in which all the locals gathered for evening drinks. After dropping my bags off, I was excited to spend time and get to the know the town folk. As...

A man with a little head

A guy walked into a bar and saw a guy sitting at the bar who was really really big, but he had a little head. This guy was scary and looked like a body builder, but had a tiny head.

So he went up and asked "Hey man, how'd you get such a little head?"

He responded:

"Well I met a ...

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