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Builder Jokes

I was at a party when this guy came in and said "I'm a builder!"

I thought, 'he knows how to make an enterance'. But it turns out he was just putting up a facade.

What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?

Bob.

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his cloth...

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

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Jonny the bridge builder.

You can build 1000 bridges and they'll never call you Jonny the bridge builder. But you suck one dick and you're a cocksucker for life.

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

Why did the body builder buy expired protein powder?

There was no other whey.

I once asked an Irish builder if he knew the difference between a joist and a girder

“Of course I do”, he replied. “One wrote Ulysses, the other wrote Faust.”

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

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Two blonde builders were working on a house.

One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blon...

Bob the builder

A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & screams into the answering machine “CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE??” Not this time Bob. Not this time.

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A scared builder is the best builder

'Cuz he be shitting bricks.

Three builders are up on the scaffold one day [long]

They are discussing their lunches. The first builder says ''You know lads, I've been getting the same bloody ham sandwich, every day, for the last 10 years. If my wife makes me ONE MORE ham sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump right off this scaffold and end it all.''

The second builder says ''ha, t...

Why do PC builders hate adoption?

Because they dont want a pre-build

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

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Peter and his grandson are sitting on the mountainside that overlooks the town…

Peter says to his grandson, “look at those houses down there. I built all of those with my bare hands, but do you think they call me Peter the House Builder? No.”

He then gestures toward the town church and says, “do you see that church down there? I built that church with my bare hands, but ...

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The little builder

A cute golden-haired pre-schooler notices that they are building a house next door, and she starts hanging around the site and asking the builders about everything they are doing. They think she's adorable, so they find her a little hard hat and hi-vis, and they set her up in a corner of the yard wi...

Long... Three builders...

Three builders are working on top of a tall building and decide to break for lunch. First guy opens his lunchbox and sees a ham and cheese sandwich. "I'm sick and tired of ham and cheese sandwiches, that's two weeks in a row now with nothing but ham and cheese sandwiches, if I get this tomorrow I'm ...

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

Why was the body builder playing with knives?

Because he wanted to get cut

Bob the Builder: Can we fix it?

Bob's Wife's Attorney: Please, just sign the papers Robert...

What do you call Bob the builder during a recession?

Bob

(I'm sorry idk why, but I had to post this)

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

What's the builders' favourite country ?

Ucrane

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

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My mate had builders in doing an extension...

and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.

At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of $2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money ...

Ever since the boat builder had to work from home,

his Sails have been through the roof.

Where would we be without builders?

Outside

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

I was always a home builder

but lately I’ve developed an apartment complex.

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I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!

Guy #2: Okay

Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!

Guy #2: Sure

Guy #1: You s...

Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me

Blind dude: I feel you.

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A builder is brought in for questioning

**Chief**: do you think he did it?
**Interrogator**: yes Chief, he's about to break
**Chief**: are you sure?
**Interrogator**: positive Chief. I saw his bum crack.

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

How does a fence builder tell jokes?

He reposts it.

2 builders, 4 plumber, and an electrician walk into a bar.

I really shouldn't have moved that hazard sign.

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Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

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An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender

You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no

You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they c...

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A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"

The retiring builder, a bit red...

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

Dad are we builders?

Yes mason!

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Build one hundred churches and no one will call you a church builder, build five hundred bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder

But if you fuck one goat......

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the body builder in his pharmacy?

These are not the ‘roids you are looking for.

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Willy, a retired, Irish builder (long)

So Willy, a retired, Irish builder, was brooding in his ale at the pub one day with his good friend, Patty.

He glances out the window and says to Patty, “Look a there, Patty,” pointing out the window, “you see that fence over there?”

“Aye, I do.” Patty replied.

“Well, I built t...

What did the road inspector tell the road builder...

When he built the roadway wrong?

It's not my asphalt, it's your asphalt.

A builder came up to me.

He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?"

"Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."

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McCulloch the builder

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,
"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me two hands! But do they call me McCulloch: The Barn Builder? Nah!" He...

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An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...

...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.

The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of ...

What did the vegetarian body builder say after he found out he was gluten intolerant?

There ain't no whey!

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Three home builders

There were three home builders, an Asian, a german and an American working on finishing a home, when they realize they need more wood to finish up the back deck.

The Forman says he will go get it, and assigns jobs to each of them. He tells the American he is in charge of cleaning up the insi...

Why did the airplane builder love his job?

Because every day was riveting.

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McTavish The Boat Builder [NSFW][Long]

So one day while on holiday Lee decides to visit a local bar...



While inside he orders a whiskey and while waiting for his drink his eye is caught by a man muttering obscenities a few stools over.

Curious, Lee decides to try his luck and asks what seems to be the problem.
T...

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A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland...

A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland and he stops on a pub to get a drink. And the only people in there is a bartender and an old men nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes: "You see this bar? I ...

How does Bob the Builder have a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

My boyfriend told me he wants me to be a body builder....

So I told him I was pregnant.

Why aren't dogs house builders?

They have trouble building woofs.

What is a builder's favourite pickup line?

I'd like to put my tongue in your groove.

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Willie the bridge builder

An old man is sitting at the bar when a young patron walks in. He notices the old man has quite a few empty shot glasses in front of him. He approaches the old man and says, "Hello sir, I don't mean to be nosy but you sure have a lot of empty shot glasses there. What's the matter?" The old man looks...

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Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?

Female body builder:No,just a penis.

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The bridge builder

This man is sitting at his local pub ranting about all the accomplishments he had throughout his life, 'I built the bridge into town. Do they call me a bridge builder? No! I built half the roads in this town. Do they call me a roadbulder? No! I built countless houses. Do they call me a carpenter? No...

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

People always give bridge builders a hard time...

They're just trying to make ends meet.

Three builders are atop a large building at lunchtime... (Long)

The first builder opens his lunch box and says, "Cheese? Bloody cheese sandwiches again! If I have cheese sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building."

The second builder opens his lunch box and shouts, "Not ham sandwiches again! If I have ham sandwiches tomorrow I will throw my...

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MacGregor the Builder

An American was backpacking across the Scottish highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual...

Halfwit Builders

Larry and Joe are nailing wood siding on a house.

Joe looks over at Larry and is shocked to see him picking the nails from his pouch, one by one, inspecting them, and throw them over his shoulder.

Joe yells, "hey Larry, what-in-the-hell are you doing throwing all those nails away for!...

What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

What do catholic body builders lift?

Their guilt.

Hear about the ex-body-builder couple that broke up?

They just weren't working out like they used to...

What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed?

No whey...

I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done

He's surrounded by tools

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

If body builders religiously try to gain weight..

Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?

What did the fence builder say when his fence fell down after driving the last pilon into an old buried hand grenade?

Wow, didn't expect this post to blow up!

Three builders are sitting on top of a building...

...when they decide to have lunch. The first builder grabs his lunch box.
"Every day for lunch my wife packs me an apple and I HATE apples. If I get another apple today, I'll jump." He opens up his lunch box and sure enough, inside is an apple. He grabs the apple, throws it as hard as he can and ...

My boss just called me to tell me I’m responsible for the collapse of another bank.

I said “What? How can that be possible. I don’t even work in finance. I’m a builder”

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My Father’s Favorite Joke

One day, a man goes to a remote village and goes to the pub. He is completely taken with how incredible the bar is. Eventually he speaks to the barman and tells him how he has travelled the world but that this is the most beautiful bar he has ever seen. The barman says:
“You like this bar, hr...

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Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

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There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job

There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job after he completed some work for us. Well that’s a load of bollocks. The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

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An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

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