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NSFW: you could build a thousand bridges, but you will never be called a bridge builder

But suck just one cock...

Did you hear about the yacht builder that’s now having to work from home?

His sails have gone through the roof!

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A scared builder is the best builder

'Cuz he be shitting bricks.

Bob the builder isn't fat

He's just well built

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

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The little builder

A cute golden-haired pre-schooler notices that they are building a house next door, and she starts hanging around the site and asking the builders about everything they are doing. They think she's adorable, so they find her a little hard hat and hi-vis, and they set her up in a corner of the yard wi...

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was ...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

What did the body builder say when someone stole all his protein powder?

No Whey! Not a gain!

What's the builders' favourite country ?

Ucrane

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

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My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?

The rolling stones

What do you call a Mexican body builder?

A Flexican.

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A builder

I had a builder in yesterday who had lost his ears in a bandsaw.

"Fucking hell," I said,

"how do you manage?"

"I can still hear," he said,

"I just get on with it."

"No, I mean where do you put your pencil?"

What do airplane builders say about their job?

It's riveting

What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

Where would we be without builders?

Outside

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down ever...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

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An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender

You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no

You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they c...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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A man is walking through a small town in Ireland late at night when he spies a pub at the top of a nearby hill.

He notices that the lights are still on so he decides to go and check the place out. As he's walking up the cobblestone path he notices a beautiful white picket fence around the bar. At the top of the hill the man can see the entire village with a gorgeous small church in the distance.

The ba...

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I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!

Guy #2: Okay

Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!

Guy #2: Sure

Guy #1: You s...

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A boy was sitting with his grandfather...

After a while of silence, the grandfather points out to the city and says, "do you see that road, grandson? I built that road with my own hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Road Layer'? No... "

He scans the city, and points again. "And that church, there. I built that church board by board...

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Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?

Female body builder:No,just a penis.

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

My boyfriend told me he wants me to be a body builder....

So I told him I was pregnant.

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You see that dock out there?

Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock-builder"? No!

You see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge-builder"? No!...

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender looks over at him and notices he’s looking pretty down. Curious, he walks over and nudges him.

“Hey man, what’s wrong? You look upset.”

The man doesn’t answer at first, but after enough prodding, he finally sighs and looks up.

“You know, I’ve built hundreds of brid...

I met a part time body builder today, who happens to also be a Rabbi...

he's an absolute *Jew*-nit

Why is a bungalow called a bungalow?

When the builders were half way through they said "just bung a low roof on it"

What did the road inspector tell the road builder...

When he built the roadway wrong?

It's not my asphalt, it's your asphalt.

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A Scot and his grandson are sitting on a hill....

The Scot says to his grandson:

"Look at those houses in our village, I built them with my bare hands! But do they call me Peter the Builder? No!.

Look at that big farm outside our village, I farmed it with my bare hands! But do they call me Peter the Farmer? No!.

But you shag o...

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

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Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

Dad are we builders?

Yes mason!

Three builders are eating lunch on a building they’re working on

It’s about 7 stories up and they’re dangling their feet on the end of the building. The first builder opens his lunch box and sees a tuna sandwich. He said that if his wife packs him a tuna sandwich one more time he’ll jump off the building. The second building opens his lunch box and sees a hotdog....

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What’s the difference between Chris Brown and a builder?

Chris Brown will actually finish the decking before he leaves

How does a fence builder tell jokes?

He reposts it.

Three builders are atop a large building at lunchtime... (Long)

The first builder opens his lunch box and says, "Cheese? Bloody cheese sandwiches again! If I have cheese sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building."

The second builder opens his lunch box and shouts, "Not ham sandwiches again! If I have ham sandwiches tomorrow I will throw my...

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An old man is talking to his granddaughter.

They are sitting on a bench overlooking the town.

The old man says, "You see that lighthouse? I laid every brick that's there today, but they don't call me The Lighthouse Builder"

" You see that dock?", he says to the girl," I put down every post holding it up right now, even in the ha...

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Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

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Willy, a retired, Irish builder (long)

So Willy, a retired, Irish builder, was brooding in his ale at the pub one day with his good friend, Patty.

He glances out the window and says to Patty, “Look a there, Patty,” pointing out the window, “you see that fence over there?”

“Aye, I do.” Patty replied.

“Well, I built t...

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

What is a builder's favourite pickup line?

I'd like to put my tongue in your groove.

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

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A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"

The retiring builder, a bit red...

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

Tree house builders get no respect...

I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!

How does Bob the Builder have a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

Why did the airplane builder love his job?

Because every day was riveting.

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A Jewish guy is walking out of the synagogue...

A Jewish guy [David] is walking out of the synagogue when he sees his friend Shmuley reading the paper just outside.

As he gets closer he sees he's reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper. In anger, he slaps the paper out of Shmuley's hands and starts screaming.

**David:** "What are you Meshugena...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

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McTavish The Boat Builder [NSFW][Long]

So one day while on holiday Lee decides to visit a local bar...



While inside he orders a whiskey and while waiting for his drink his eye is caught by a man muttering obscenities a few stools over.

Curious, Lee decides to try his luck and asks what seems to be the problem.
T...

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I was sitting at the bar by myself on a business trip over in Scotland...

...and there was an older gentleman all by himself at the end of the bar. I didn’t know anyone there, the bartender wasn’t too friendly so I stood up, walked over to the man to start up a conversation. I asked the bartender for a couple of pints and sat down next to the man.

“Hi there” I sai...

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There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job

There’s a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a blow job after he completed some work for us. Well that’s a load of bollocks. The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.

I was always a home builder

but lately I’ve developed an apartment complex.

People always give bridge builders a hard time...

They're just trying to make ends meet.

Hear about the ex-body-builder couple that broke up?

They just weren't working out like they used to...

What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed?

No whey...

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Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise (long)

Three high rise builders were sitting on top of a high rise eating lunch. The first builder opens up his lunch pail and says "fuck man, if I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". The second builder opens up his lunch box and says "Jesus, if I get a po...

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Four Men Went Golfing Together

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a fri...

Why aren't dogs house builders?

They have trouble building woofs.

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I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

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A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and o...

Did you know women..

..are literal body builders.

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

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An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...

...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.

The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of ...

What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

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McCulloch the builder

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,
"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me two hands! But do they call me McCulloch: The Barn Builder? Nah!" He...

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My name is Seamus and I build that bridge you just drove over. It's the longest spanning bridge in Ireland. Do they call me Seamus the Famous Bridge Builder?

No, they don't, but fuck one sheep...

A builder came up to me.

He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?"

"Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."

If body builders religiously try to gain weight..

Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

I'm surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done

He's surrounded by tools

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Three home builders

There were three home builders, an Asian, a german and an American working on finishing a home, when they realize they need more wood to finish up the back deck.

The Forman says he will go get it, and assigns jobs to each of them. He tells the American he is in charge of cleaning up the insi...

Two Mexican body builders

have devoted their lives to power-lifting and they just found out that certain protein supplements have become illegal. Just as one was about to sip on his protein shake, the other smacks it out of his hand and yells: "No whey, Jose!"

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An Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

Three builders are sitting on top of a building...

...when they decide to have lunch. The first builder grabs his lunch box.
"Every day for lunch my wife packs me an apple and I HATE apples. If I get another apple today, I'll jump." He opens up his lunch box and sure enough, inside is an apple. He grabs the apple, throws it as hard as he can and ...

Why is incest illegal in northern Europe?

All the builders complain about an uneven Finnish.

A taste of Russian humor

Ivan had worked at the wheelbarrow factory for as long as anyone could remember, and the day of his retirement had finally arrived. He was well respected and even liked by all his coworkers, and his boss wanted to give him his last farewell at the end of his last day while he was walking out, so he...

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Johnny was a bitter man

"Look at all those trees" he said as he pointed towards a forest. "I planted all of those. Do they call me Johnny Tree-planter for that reason? No they don't"

Johnny turned around and pointed at a row of houses. "Look at all those houses." He said. "I built those. All of them. Do they call me...

An guy goes for a job as a builder...

Foreman: "Ok, two things get you this job. Can you make a cup of tea?"

fella: "Yep."

Forman: "Can you drive a forklift?"

Fella: "BLOODY HELL! How big is the teapot?"

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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

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Joseph the bar builder

A man is sitting at a bar, when he notices an older man in the corner staring at him. The older man speaks.

Older man: Do ya see that bar son?

Younger man: Uh... Yes I see it.

Older Man: I built that bar with me own hands. I cut the lumber, I nailed the nails, I polished the p...

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Willie the bridge builder

An old man is sitting at the bar when a young patron walks in. He notices the old man has quite a few empty shot glasses in front of him. He approaches the old man and says, "Hello sir, I don't mean to be nosy but you sure have a lot of empty shot glasses there. What's the matter?" The old man looks...

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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

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A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink.

Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied; "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored...

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Two Irish lads walking home from a pub...

Along the way, the older of the two starts babbling.

"You see that barn over there, Laddie? I built that barn with me own two hands. Framed it, roofed it, did it all me self. But do they call me a barn builder, Laddie? No, no they don't."

The two continue walking.

"You see that ...

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

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MacGregor the Builder

An American was backpacking across the Scottish highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual...

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An old Scottish builder

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in there are the bartender and an old man nursing a beer.
He orders a pint and they sit in silence for a while and suddenly the old man turns to him and says to him, "Ya see this bar...

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The bridge builder

This man is sitting at his local pub ranting about all the accomplishments he had throughout his life, 'I built the bridge into town. Do they call me a bridge builder? No! I built half the roads in this town. Do they call me a roadbulder? No! I built countless houses. Do they call me a carpenter? No...

Halfwit Builders

Larry and Joe are nailing wood siding on a house.

Joe looks over at Larry and is shocked to see him picking the nails from his pouch, one by one, inspecting them, and throw them over his shoulder.

Joe yells, "hey Larry, what-in-the-hell are you doing throwing all those nails away for!...

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I walked into an Irish pub and sat down with a beer

In the corner sat an old man by himself, looking down. So I got another beer and went to talk to him.

I sat down with him, and asked him what was wrong. He pointed out the window and said:

“You see that beautiful house at the end of the road? That’s my house, I built it myself. Do they...

Bob the Builder sacked!

The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.. They say they can no longer trust any children's Tv star who claims to be able to fix it!!

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.



He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.



The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:



"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this P...

What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.

An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply. The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.<...

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