UPJOKE
fashionsewadaptcutaccommodatecustomizesuitsartortailor-makequiltgoresilkclothesdressmakerdressmaking

Tailor Jokes

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...
upvote downvote report

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Visit to the Tailor (Slightly NSFW)

A man starts getting chronic headaches and his testicles swell and become very sensitive. The doctor informs him that his testicles must be amputated or he risks death. The guy reluctantly agrees and the operation is performed. Several days later he comes in for a follow-up. He gets a clean bill of ...

A man comes to a tailor to make a suit.

He brings his own fabric. The tailor takes the measurements, checks the fabric and says "sorry, that fabric is not enough for a suit".

The man leaves, decides to get a second opinion. He goes to another tailor. That tailor takes the measurements, and tells the man to come in two weeks.
...
upvote downvote report

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession. Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.

So what the heck was a Dickinson?

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."
upvote downvote report

A man comes to a tailor to make a pair of pants.

Five days later, he comes to check. The tailor says it's still not ready. Takes a few extra measurements and goes back to work.

Five more days, and the same story repeats, a third time, a fourth time... finally, after a month of work, the tailor delivers a brand new pair of pants.

**Th...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

What do you say to get a tailor’s attention?

Ahem
upvote downvote report

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...
upvote downvote report

A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.

Nearly 3 weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long. “I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.
upvote downvote report

I said to my tailor, "Do you know how to make a pair of trousers last?"

He said, "Sure - make the jacket first."
upvote downvote report

What do you say to the tailor who’s had the same suit hanging in his window for 25 years?

You need new material
upvote downvote report

Once in ancient Athens a man walked into a tailor’s shop

“Eumenides?” The man asked the tailor
“Euripides?” The tailor asked the man
upvote downvote report

In Athens, Greece, a man takes a pair of trousers to a tailor.

The tailor takes the pants and holds them up. He turns to the man and says “Euripides?”

“Yes,” the man responds, “Eumenides?”"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

A Greek man goes to a tailor to get some pants mended.

The tailor takes one look at the pants and goes "Euripides?" The man nods. "Yeah. Eumenides?"
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the broke tailor?

He’s hanging on by a thread..
upvote downvote report

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer
upvote downvote report

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.

They've been sizing each other up for hours.
upvote downvote report

I have a new tailor, he's a fantastic seamster, but he always looked bored.

I asked him "Why do you never look happy? Everyone loves your clothes, and your business is doing wonderfully well."

He sighed and said, "Everyday is just sew-sew!"
upvote downvote report

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end
upvote downvote report

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put ...
upvote downvote report

A tailor is talking to a client about his suit

Tailor: We've got your suit all ready to try on. Do you need some help putting it on?

Man: No, that's quite alright I've got it.

Tailor: All right then, suit yourself.
upvote downvote report

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”

The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
upvote downvote report

A guy walks into a tailors shop

He gives the tailor a large bag of foreskins and asks if he can make anything with them. The tailor thinks about it and says that he think he can, and asks the guy to return to the store tomorrow.

The guy leaves, returns the next day and asks the tailor if he made anything with the foreskins....
upvote downvote report

What do you do with a drunken tailor?

Give him a belt because he's waisted
upvote downvote report

A lecturer of aincent greek took his fancy trousers to be mended. Euripedes? asked the tailor

Yes, replied the lecturer. Eumenides?
upvote downvote report

How did you pick your tailor?

“He just seamed right”
upvote downvote report

My tailor patched up all the holes in my pants.

Now I can't get my feet in.
upvote downvote report

The best tailor in town died.

He was given a fitting eulogy.
upvote downvote report

Today is National Tailor's Day...

... Or sow it seams
upvote downvote report

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.
upvote downvote report

One of the Greek tragedians walks into a tailor's shop.

He's holding a bundle of tattered clothing in his hands. Upon entering, he thinks he recognizes the tailor and, surprised, asks, "Eumenides?" The tailor responds, "Yeah, Euripides?"
upvote downvote report

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.
upvote downvote report

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...
upvote downvote report

Why should you never ask a tailor how he's feeling?

Because he's always just sew sew.
upvote downvote report

What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake?

Sew?

Tip your waitresses
upvote downvote report

The Tailor

Tailor: problem?

Customer: Frayed sew

Tailor: Sew its seems!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tailor is an indecisive jackass.



He hems and hee-haws.



\--original as far as I know, FWIW

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...
upvote downvote report

Why did the tailor die?

He commited sewicide.
upvote downvote report

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...
upvote downvote report

What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.
upvote downvote report

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.
upvote downvote report

The best tailor shop is located on Mt. Everest

It's a cut above the rest.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

I went to the tailor’s and told him, “I need something for a wedding.”

He said, “What do you need?”

I replied, crying, “A woman who would love me.”
upvote downvote report

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.
upvote downvote report

I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said


"Fine, suit yourself"
upvote downvote report

What do you call a suit that's been tailor-made for a ghost?

Bespook
upvote downvote report

What do you call a tailor that's got sharp knees?

A kneedler.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a tailor shop.

He goes in to try on pants.
Comes back and says, “these pants feel really tight in my ass.”
The tailor responds, “sir, please take the pants out of your ass.”

[created by my dad]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with 5 penises went to the tailor

A man with five penises goes to a tailor to get a new pair of pants.

The tailor says, "Wow, five penis's how do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove"

An ancient Greek playwright walks into a tailor.....

....and approaches the counter holding a robe. He shows the tailor a large hole torn in the side. The tailor looks at him and said "Euripides?"

The playwright responds, "Eumenides."
upvote downvote report

A man walks up to a tailor-

-and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor says it cant be done and tells him to get out of his store.

Next day: Same man walks up to the tailor and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor calls him crazy and kicks him out again.

Third day: the same man ...
upvote downvote report

A guy walks into a tailor shop.

He tells the tailor he needs to be fitted for a tux. The tailor starts to measure him, and the guy asks "What are you doing?" The tailor says "I'm measuring you to get the right fit." The guy exclaims "I'll do that part myself." So the tailor says "Fine, suit yourself."
upvote downvote report

I went to my tailor and asked if I could try on the suit in the window.

"Sure," he said, "but wouldn't it be more comfortable if you used the dressing room?"
upvote downvote report

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...
upvote downvote report

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't become a tailor if you are mean

Because bitches get stitches

What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration
upvote downvote report

A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.
upvote downvote report

You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headache couldn’t take it anymore..

He went to the doctor and after examining him, the doctor said that your balls are too big for your size and take extra oxygen. The only solution is to cut them.

The man hesitated but agreed at the end. After waking up from the surgery and feeling good for the first time, he decided he will...

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants

When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him.

"Like a glove."

I bet the tailor in a monastery is in popular demand - a bit like a drug dealer...

I mean, they're both habit-forming.
upvote downvote report

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

Yo momma so fat

her tailor uses mattress sizes
upvote downvote report

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack
upvote downvote report

The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."

Pincus reached beh...

My mother is a tailor by trade, and won't let me buy anything from the store, I have to wear what she makes...

I guess you could say she's pretty clothes minded
upvote downvote report

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...
upvote downvote report

What did the tailor say after a job well done?

There is nothing left too loose.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lindsey Graham gets new suit

On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.

Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he c...

The new suit

A man went to a tailor's shop to be fitted for a suit and a pair of shoes. The old tailor took all of the measurements and said to return in a week.

The man returned in a week and put on his new suit and new shoes.

As he stood in front of the mirror he complained that the left sleeve ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was...

"Frayed Sew"!
upvote downvote report

In a tailoring class, the teacher asked her students how long should a miniskirt be for a person who is 6ft in height and waist is 34.

One of the students replied: Short enough to have the interest and long enough to hide the interest.
upvote downvote report

What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns?

Non-habit forming
upvote downvote report

50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".
upvote downvote report

I went to my tailor and said, "Make me look like a superhero."

He pulled out a pair of trousers and said, "Black pants, sir."
upvote downvote report

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the fi...

What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?

Tailor Swift
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a doctor for headache...

A man goes to a doctor for unbearable headache. The doctor diagnosis him. After the diagnosis the doctor turns to the man and says: "We must surgically remove one of your testicles, otherwise the headache won't go.". The man first retaliates but after learning that it is the only way he agrees so th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information