The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

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A man with 5 penises walks into a tailor's shop

The man has been frustrated all week. He simply cannot find a pair of pants that fit. Understandably finding pants that fit someone with 5 penises is difficult. The tailor notices the man looking at all different types of pants and asks him what he is looking for. The man explains his unique situati...

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in th...

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A man with 5 penises went to the tailor

A man with five penises goes to a tailor to get a new pair of pants.

The tailor says, "Wow, five penis's how do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove"

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

The Tailor

Tailor: problem?

Customer: Frayed sew

Tailor: Sew its seems!

I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said


"Fine, suit yourself"

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

What do you call a suit that's been tailor-made for a ghost?

Bespook

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

I went to my tailor and said, "Make me look like a superhero."

He pulled out a pair of trousers and said, "Black pants, sir."

50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

An ancient Greek professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

The best tailor in town died.

He was given a fitting eulogy.

I asked my wife what it’s like working as a tailor

She said it’s sew-sew

Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils?

It's hijab.

Why did the tailor die?

He commited sewicide.

When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was...

"Frayed Sew"!

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I had a big interview coming up so I went to a custom tailor. He was measuring the inseam of my pants and asked “ do you dress to the left or the right?”

“What do you mean”, I asked?

“Well”, said the tailor, “does your penis usually sit to the right or the left?”

“That’s none of your fucking business” I shouted

“Fine”, said the tailor, “suit yourself.”

What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

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Don't become a tailor if you are mean

Because bitches get stitches

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After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

My tailor became a lawyer.

Now he's sewing everyone.

What do you call a dirty tailor?

A sewer.

What did the tailor say when he was given some bad news?

“That’s a lot to take in.”

I was in a tailor.

I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."

"What's that?" he queried.

"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.

A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.

An ancient Greek playwright walks into a tailor.....

....and approaches the counter holding a robe. He shows the tailor a large hole torn in the side. The tailor looks at him and said "Euripides?"

The playwright responds, "Eumenides."

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.

They've been sizing each other up for hours.

A man walks up to a tailor-

-and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor says it cant be done and tells him to get out of his store.

Next day: Same man walks up to the tailor and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor calls him crazy and kicks him out again.

Third day: the same man ...

What did the Tailor do when the man was upset that his pants were too long?

He cut the guy some slacks

My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don't want to do it right now

I'm taking steps to prevent the measure

You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.

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A man has an extreme headache...

...and after a few agonizing days he decides to go to the doctor to see what's wrong with him.
"Well I have terrible news" says the doctor "you have a very odd condition where your spine is constricting your testicles. If you don't remove your testicles your headache will never go away."
O...

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."

Pincus reached beh...

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser

What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns?

Non-habit forming

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A man is having terrible headaches

A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doc...

An old tailor sits with his son

...expressing the complexities of life along with it's wonders and beauty.
The son asks his father, "So what conclusion can be made of all this?"
And then the father tells him,"Well, things aren't always as they seam"

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The new suit

There is a man who is afflicted with the most terrible excruciating headaches, every minute of every day for the last 15 years of his life. he goes from doctor to doctor but none can diagnose his condition or provide any lasting treatment. but he doesnt give up hope and one day finally comes across ...

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The motician says that the man does look v...

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A man goes to the doctor with abdominal and lower back pains (long)

**Man**: "Doctor, for quite some time I've been having pains in the abdomen, groin and lower back. And they are getting worse."

**After some blood and urine tests and a general check the doctor answers**: "I find no problems, it could be a muscle issue." He prescribes medication and let's the...

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.

"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,...

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

What did the tailor say after a job well done?

There is nothing left too loose.

A young guy suffers from debilitating headaches (slightly long)

After going through many tests over several months the doctor says the only way to cure them is to cut off his balls. After another couple months the pain is so great the patient finally agrees to the operation. A week after the operation the patient is super depressed and asks the doctor what he c...

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A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

A boy in high school asks a girl to the prom

Amazingly, she says yes so he has to get everything ready. He goes to the tailor so he can get a suit. Unfortunately, he had to wait quite some time, as there were other people getting ready for their proms. But eventually, he gets his suit.

He then went to the florist. But due to some not th...

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor."

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, wh...

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A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the fi...

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

I make clothes faster than anyone

Call me Tailor Swift

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

Jack has a excruciating headache

So he goes to see the doctor. The doctor runs all the tests and everything comes back fine. The doctor said he is probably stressed and thats causing his headache.

Jack decides to cheer himself up with some nice clothes. Upon entering the store he is greeted by the tailor.

The tailor...

What do you call a really old clothes maker?

Tailor old as time.

I'm not having much luck with jobs lately:

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory.

I wasn't suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn't cut it as barber.

I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.

I didn't fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.<...

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A guy is suffering from terrible headaches....

... So he goes to a doctor

Doctor tells him "sir, I'm sorry but we'll have to cut off your balls, it's the only way"

"No way doc, I want a second opinion"

So he goes to another doctor and another and another and they all tell him the same thing

Meanwhile his headaches are...

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A man goes to the doctor with a huge lasting headache, "I can't live with it anymore doc, please find out what's wrong".

So the doctor ran some tests, and after carefully studying the results, he presented the bad news to the patient. "It seems you have a very rare nervous disease near your testicles causing your headache. You have two options; either we cut off your testes or I can put you on very heavy pain medicati...

A baby is born in a poor family...

...they wanted to get the baby measured but as they were so poor they didn't posses any measuring device. Luckily the father got the idea that the local tailor surely has a tape measure. Tailor agreed to measure baby for free but insisted to take the baby to the back of the shop so the baby doesn't ...

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

A rabbi is retiring...

A rabbi is retiring after a long career and he has saved all of the foreskins he has collected from doing years of circumcisions.


Not wanting to throw them out, he brings them to a tailor and says, "can you make something for me out of all of these skins?" The tailor agrees and gets to w...

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What is the point of any of this?

So I am at my new job working my ass off but nobody seems to notice it. My boss doesn't seem to care, coworkers don't even talk to me.
I am starting to feel depressed.
Maybe I should quit working in the camouflage tailor shop.

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Zippity do dah

My grandfather was having a nice suit made at a tailor shop. The tailor asked him "Would you prefer a button fly or zipper?" He thought about it for a while and said" Buttons please, they are quieter in the movies."

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

An old man dies.

His wife takes him to the funeral home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"

The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."

"No problem", the funeral director says.

<...

A Boy is taking his Girlfriend to Prom...

His mom suggests he rent a limo. He goes to the limousine agency, but there's a long limo line. Finally, after waiting patiently, he gets the limo.

His dad tells him he should get a tux. He goes to the tailor to rent a tuxedo, but there is a long tuxedo line. Finally, after waiting patien...

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Once upon a time there was a guy who had this irritating tingling in his balls

He goes to the doctor, "Doc, you have to help me. I've had this tingling in my balls, and you need to help me get rid of it."

"Huh. Try just waiting it out." So the guy goes home. After a whole week, it's still there

"Doc! It's still here! You have to help me!"

"Try take these m...

I just opened an express clothing alteration business.

It's called Tailor Swift.