UPJOKE
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In Athens, Greece, a man takes a pair of trousers to a tailor.

The tailor takes the pants and holds them up. He turns to the man and says “Euripides?”

“Yes,” the man responds, “Eumenides?”"

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

Did you hear about the broke tailor?

He’s hanging on by a thread..

A Greek man goes to a tailor to get some pants mended.

The tailor takes one look at the pants and goes "Euripides?" The man nods. "Yeah. Eumenides?"

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...

My father was a tailor

I thought I would follow suit

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

What do you say to get a tailor’s attention?

Ahem

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake?

Sew?

Tip your waitresses

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.

"Euripides?" says the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man.

One of the Greek tragedians walks into a tailor's shop.

He's holding a bundle of tattered clothing in his hands. Upon entering, he thinks he recognizes the tailor and, surprised, asks, "Eumenides?" The tailor responds, "Yeah, Euripides?"

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

A tailor is talking to a client about his suit

Tailor: We've got your suit all ready to try on. Do you need some help putting it on?

Man: No, that's quite alright I've got it.

Tailor: All right then, suit yourself.

What do you do with a drunken tailor?

Give him a belt because he's waisted

Why should you never ask a tailor how he's feeling?

Because he's always just sew sew.

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put ...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

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Two Jews have done well in business.

They decide to celebrate and advertise their success they should get matching black suits. They go to the tailor, Pincus, and tell him they want two black suits. They make it clear they want a true deep black, not blue black, grey black, or brown black but a black black. A real black, "The kind n...

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

My tailor patched up all the holes in my pants.

Now I can't get my feet in.

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

I went to my tailor and asked if I could try on the suit in the window.

"Sure," he said, "but wouldn't it be more comfortable if you used the dressing room?"

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

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So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants

When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him.

"Like a glove."

How did you pick your tailor?

“He just seamed right”

My mother is a tailor by trade, and won't let me buy anything from the store, I have to wear what she makes...

I guess you could say she's pretty clothes minded

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.

I went to the tailor’s and told him, “I need something for a wedding.”

He said, “What do you need?”

I replied, crying, “A woman who would love me.”

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A guy goes to a tailor to buy a suit.

The tailor offers a couple of suits but they are too expensive for his taste.
He was going to leave when the tailor remembered that one custom suit he had made for a guy with one arm and one leg that were shorter than his other arm and leg and he never came in to pick it up.
The suit being a c...

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

Today is National Tailor's Day...

... Or sow it seams

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says "you can't be in here with no clothes on!"

The man says "aw come on dude, cut me some slacks?"

What do you call a tailor that's got sharp knees?

A kneedler.

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

The best tailor in town died.

He was given a fitting eulogy.

I was in a tailor.

I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."

"What's that?" he queried.

"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

Amazon has started a new service where they deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.

I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said


"Fine, suit yourself"

What do you call a suit that's been tailor-made for a ghost?

Bespook

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

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A man goes into a tailor shop.

He goes in to try on pants.
Comes back and says, “these pants feel really tight in my ass.”
The tailor responds, “sir, please take the pants out of your ass.”

[created by my dad]

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A man with 5 penises went to the tailor

A man with five penises goes to a tailor to get a new pair of pants.

The tailor says, "Wow, five penis's how do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove"

The church started giving their tailors stimulants to increase productivity

Its okay, they're nun habit forming drugs.

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I had a big interview coming up so I went to a custom tailor. He was measuring the inseam of my pants and asked “ do you dress to the left or the right?”

“What do you mean”, I asked?

“Well”, said the tailor, “does your penis usually sit to the right or the left?”

“That’s none of your fucking business” I shouted

“Fine”, said the tailor, “suit yourself.”

Jesus's robes

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off. "No, n...

The Tailor

Tailor: problem?

Customer: Frayed sew

Tailor: Sew its seems!

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.

They've been sizing each other up for hours.

Why did the tailor die?

He commited sewicide.

A guy walks into a tailor shop.

He tells the tailor he needs to be fitted for a tux. The tailor starts to measure him, and the guy asks "What are you doing?" The tailor says "I'm measuring you to get the right fit." The guy exclaims "I'll do that part myself." So the tailor says "Fine, suit yourself."

An ancient Greek playwright walks into a tailor.....

....and approaches the counter holding a robe. He shows the tailor a large hole torn in the side. The tailor looks at him and said "Euripides?"

The playwright responds, "Eumenides."

50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was...

"Frayed Sew"!

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Don't become a tailor if you are mean

Because bitches get stitches

A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."

Pincus reached beh...

A man walks up to a tailor-

-and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor says it cant be done and tells him to get out of his store.

Next day: Same man walks up to the tailor and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor calls him crazy and kicks him out again.

Third day: the same man ...

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

A guy walks into a tailor wearing just a shirt and shoes

And the tailor says "what the hell man you can't just go around swinging your dong in my store"


To which the man replies "hey cut me some slacks"

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don't want to do it right now

I'm taking steps to prevent the measure

What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration

You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.

What did the tailor say after a job well done?

There is nothing left too loose.

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

I went to my tailor and said, "Make me look like a superhero."

He pulled out a pair of trousers and said, "Black pants, sir."

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns?

Non-habit forming

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

John wants have a good time with his girlfriend at prom...

First he needs to get prom tickets. He has to stand in line for fifteen minutes. But he gets the tickets for him and his girlfriend.

Then he needs to get his tux. After finding a perfect tux at the tailor shop, he has to wait in line for thirty minutes to get to the register. But he eventuall...

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

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