A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put ...

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

A tailor is talking to a client about his suit

Tailor: We've got your suit all ready to try on. Do you need some help putting it on?

Man: No, that's quite alright I've got it.

Tailor: All right then, suit yourself.

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

Today is National Tailor's Day...

... Or sow it seams

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

In a tailoring class, the teacher asked her students how long should a miniskirt be for a person who is 6ft in height and waist is 34.

One of the students replied: Short enough to have the interest and long enough to hide the interest.

Why did the tailor refuse service to nuns?

Because it's habit forming.

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

My mother is a tailor by trade, and won't let me buy anything from the store, I have to wear what she makes...

I guess you could say she's pretty clothes minded

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

I went to the tailor’s and told him, “I need something for a wedding.”

He said, “What do you need?”

I replied, crying, “A woman who would love me.”

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

How did you pick your tailor?

“He just seamed right”

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says "you can't be in here with no clothes on!"

The man says "aw come on dude, cut me some slacks?"

The church started giving their tailors stimulants to increase productivity

Its okay, they're nun habit forming drugs.

My tailor patched up all the holes in my pants.

Now I can't get my feet in.

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

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A man goes into a tailor shop.

He goes in to try on pants.
Comes back and says, “these pants feel really tight in my ass.”
The tailor responds, “sir, please take the pants out of your ass.”

[created by my dad]

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said


"Fine, suit yourself"

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

A guy walks into a tailor shop.

He tells the tailor he needs to be fitted for a tux. The tailor starts to measure him, and the guy asks "What are you doing?" The tailor says "I'm measuring you to get the right fit." The guy exclaims "I'll do that part myself." So the tailor says "Fine, suit yourself."

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

Latin

Two undertakers went to see Pincus the tailor to get new suits.

The older one said, “We are undertakers. We need the blackest black you have. The last ones you sold us were a little gray.”

Pincus said, “I can make you suits from the same fabric the nuns use for their habits. There’s no...

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

The best tailor in town died.

He was given a fitting eulogy.

The Tailor

Tailor: problem?

Customer: Frayed sew

Tailor: Sew its seems!

50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

Why did the Muslim tailor make so many veils?

It's hijab.

What do you call a suit that's been tailor-made for a ghost?

Bespook

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A man with 5 penises went to the tailor

A man with five penises goes to a tailor to get a new pair of pants.

The tailor says, "Wow, five penis's how do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove"

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

Why did the FDA close down the convent's tailor shop?

Because it was found to be habit forming.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

I was in a tailor.

I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."

"What's that?" he queried.

"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.

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I had a big interview coming up so I went to a custom tailor. He was measuring the inseam of my pants and asked “ do you dress to the left or the right?”

“What do you mean”, I asked?

“Well”, said the tailor, “does your penis usually sit to the right or the left?”

“That’s none of your fucking business” I shouted

“Fine”, said the tailor, “suit yourself.”

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

Why did the tailor die?

He commited sewicide.

What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.

They've been sizing each other up for hours.

My tailor became a lawyer.

Now he's sewing everyone.

When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was...

"Frayed Sew"!

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Don't become a tailor if you are mean

Because bitches get stitches

Have you heard about the quick clothes maker?

Some have said she is a Tailor, Swift

An ancient Greek playwright walks into a tailor.....

....and approaches the counter holding a robe. He shows the tailor a large hole torn in the side. The tailor looks at him and said "Euripides?"

The playwright responds, "Eumenides."

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

What do you call a dirty tailor?

A sewer.

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A man suffered from excruciating headaches for years.

He saw doctor after doctor, and tried many different medications and treatments without success. At long last he found a specialist who discovered the cause of his problem. The doctor informed the man that his pain was being caused by a rare condition in which his testicles were pushing into the bas...

A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

What did the tailor say when he was given some bad news?

“That’s a lot to take in.”

My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don't want to do it right now

I'm taking steps to prevent the measure

A man walks up to a tailor-

-and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor says it cant be done and tells him to get out of his store.

Next day: Same man walks up to the tailor and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor calls him crazy and kicks him out again.

Third day: the same man ...

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."

Pincus reached beh...

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.

Why do the clothes in Beauty and the Beast look so old-fashioned?

Tailors old as time…

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser

What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns?

Non-habit forming

What did the boy say after the tailor made fun of him for not wearing pants?

Hey, why don't you cut me some slacks?

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

An old tailor sits with his son

...expressing the complexities of life along with it's wonders and beauty.
The son asks his father, "So what conclusion can be made of all this?"
And then the father tells him,"Well, things aren't always as they seam"

What did the tailor say after a job well done?

There is nothing left too loose.

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

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A guy desperately wants to meet the pope.

A guy desperately wants to meet the pope. He travels to the Vatican and stands in the plaza waiting for the pope to appear. The pope walks right past him. Disappointed, he thinks 'I have to stand out! I have to look good so the pope sees me!' He goes to the finest tailor in Italy and gets the works....

I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...

We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."

There is a lawyer in a 3000$ suit

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is a obviously very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.

The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he fin...

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Joe’s Headaches

Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches.One day,after years of suffering,he decides to see a headache specialist.
The doctor tells Joe to strip ,inspects him all over and announces that he has found the cause of the headaches.”Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine” says th...

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

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