UPJOKE
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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

In Athens, Greece, a man takes a pair of trousers to a tailor.

The tailor takes the pants and holds them up. He turns to the man and says “Euripides?”

“Yes,” the man responds, “Eumenides?”"

A lecturer of aincent greek took his fancy trousers to be mended. Euripedes? asked the tailor

Yes, replied the lecturer. Eumenides?

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

My father was a tailor

I thought I would follow suit

What do you say to get a tailor’s attention?

Ahem

Did you hear about the broke tailor?

He’s hanging on by a thread..

A Greek man goes to a tailor to get some pants mended.

The tailor takes one look at the pants and goes "Euripides?" The man nods. "Yeah. Eumenides?"

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

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Lindsey Graham gets new suit

On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.

Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he c...

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.

"Euripides?" says the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man.

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put ...

What do you do with a drunken tailor?

Give him a belt because he's waisted

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...

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What's the biggest pain in the ass for a tailor?

***Hem***orrhoids.

What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake?

Sew?

Tip your waitresses

One of the Greek tragedians walks into a tailor's shop.

He's holding a bundle of tattered clothing in his hands. Upon entering, he thinks he recognizes the tailor and, surprised, asks, "Eumenides?" The tailor responds, "Yeah, Euripides?"

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

My tailor patched up all the holes in my pants.

Now I can't get my feet in.

A tailor is talking to a client about his suit

Tailor: We've got your suit all ready to try on. Do you need some help putting it on?

Man: No, that's quite alright I've got it.

Tailor: All right then, suit yourself.

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

Why should you never ask a tailor how he's feeling?

Because he's always just sew sew.

I went to my tailor and asked if I could try on the suit in the window.

"Sure," he said, "but wouldn't it be more comfortable if you used the dressing room?"

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

I went to the tailor’s and told him, “I need something for a wedding.”

He said, “What do you need?”

I replied, crying, “A woman who would love me.”

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

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So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants

When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him.

"Like a glove."

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

My mother is a tailor by trade, and won't let me buy anything from the store, I have to wear what she makes...

I guess you could say she's pretty clothes minded

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.

I bet the tailor in a monastery is in popular demand - a bit like a drug dealer...

I mean, they're both habit-forming.

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A guy goes to a tailor to buy a suit.

The tailor offers a couple of suits but they are too expensive for his taste.
He was going to leave when the tailor remembered that one custom suit he had made for a guy with one arm and one leg that were shorter than his other arm and leg and he never came in to pick it up.
The suit being a c...

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

What do you call a tailor that's got sharp knees?

A kneedler.

How did you pick your tailor?

“He just seamed right”

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

Today is National Tailor's Day...

... Or sow it seams

The best tailor in town died.

He was given a fitting eulogy.

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says "you can't be in here with no clothes on!"

The man says "aw come on dude, cut me some slacks?"

What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.

I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said


"Fine, suit yourself"

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

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A man goes into a tailor shop.

He goes in to try on pants.
Comes back and says, “these pants feel really tight in my ass.”
The tailor responds, “sir, please take the pants out of your ass.”

[created by my dad]

In a tailoring class, the teacher asked her students how long should a miniskirt be for a person who is 6ft in height and waist is 34.

One of the students replied: Short enough to have the interest and long enough to hide the interest.

The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

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A man goes to a doctor for headache...

A man goes to a doctor for unbearable headache. The doctor diagnosis him. After the diagnosis the doctor turns to the man and says: "We must surgically remove one of your testicles, otherwise the headache won't go.". The man first retaliates but after learning that it is the only way he agrees so th...

What do you call a suit that's been tailor-made for a ghost?

Bespook

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.

They've been sizing each other up for hours.

Why didn't the tailor make a tuxedo out of plastic?

It wasn't suit-able.

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."

Pincus reached beh...

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A man with 5 penises went to the tailor

A man with five penises goes to a tailor to get a new pair of pants.

The tailor says, "Wow, five penis's how do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove"

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I had a big interview coming up so I went to a custom tailor. He was measuring the inseam of my pants and asked “ do you dress to the left or the right?”

“What do you mean”, I asked?

“Well”, said the tailor, “does your penis usually sit to the right or the left?”

“That’s none of your fucking business” I shouted

“Fine”, said the tailor, “suit yourself.”

An ancient Greek playwright walks into a tailor.....

....and approaches the counter holding a robe. He shows the tailor a large hole torn in the side. The tailor looks at him and said "Euripides?"

The playwright responds, "Eumenides."

The Tailor

Tailor: problem?

Customer: Frayed sew

Tailor: Sew its seems!

Why did the tailor die?

He commited sewicide.

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser

A guy walks into a tailor shop.

He tells the tailor he needs to be fitted for a tux. The tailor starts to measure him, and the guy asks "What are you doing?" The tailor says "I'm measuring you to get the right fit." The guy exclaims "I'll do that part myself." So the tailor says "Fine, suit yourself."

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was...

"Frayed Sew"!

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Don't become a tailor if you are mean

Because bitches get stitches

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.

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Two Jews have done well in business.

They decide to celebrate and advertise their success they should get matching black suits. They go to the tailor, Pincus, and tell him they want two black suits. They make it clear they want a true deep black, not blue black, grey black, or brown black but a black black. A real black, "The kind n...

A man walks up to a tailor-

-and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor says it cant be done and tells him to get out of his store.

Next day: Same man walks up to the tailor and asks for a suit made of Plastic wrap

The tailor calls him crazy and kicks him out again.

Third day: the same man ...

What did the tailor say after a job well done?

There is nothing left too loose.

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

I went to my tailor and said, "Make me look like a superhero."

He pulled out a pair of trousers and said, "Black pants, sir."

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A man gets a job with a tailor

The man, let’s call him Bob, was very hard working but a little inept. His boss decided to have him sew shirts to start.

He would always end up making one sleeve longer than the other.

Sometimes he would mess up a cuff.

He could never get the seams and buttons straight either....

My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don't want to do it right now

I'm taking steps to prevent the measure

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

What do you call two tailors fighting?

a serious alteration

You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.

What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns?

Non-habit forming

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

Jesus's robes

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off. "No, n...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

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