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Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

You work for a dick and you can’t retire until after 69.

Me: That actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed last week! Reece... Reece... whatshername...Reece....

Friend: Witherspoon?

Me: No, with a knife.

(Courtesy of QI.)

Anne is such a great actress.

You might say...she Hathaway with words.

Breaking: “Full House” Actress Takes On Unexpected New Role.

“The Big House”

Why did the cranky actress turn down the role of Marie Antoinette?

She was in no mood to do a period drama.

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

A man came up to me at work and asked if I had heard of the Actress that was killed..

I said “Who?”

“Reese!”

“Witherspoon?”

“Actually, with her knife”

Day = Made

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?

Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...

Me: Witherspoon?

Mom: no, with a knife

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.

The agent, who had fantasised about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers...

If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

Actress: I want to be in the Aladdin remake.

Harvey Weinstein: All you have to do is rub my lamp.

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What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work?

Antifistamines.

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What did the porn director say to his actors and actress?

"I love it when a plan comes together"

"Did you hear about that actress who killed her self?"

"Did you hear about that actress who killed herself? Her name was Reese something-or-other... I don't remember."

"Witherspoon?"

"No, no... with her knife."

--

A joke my 5th grade teacher told me years ago

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What do Texas and an aspiring Hollywood actress have in common?

They both get fucked by Harvey.

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Did you hear about the aspiring actress who was told her only future was in porn?

She took it pretty hard.

Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

What do you call the main actress who suffers drug addiction?

The Heroin.

Which actress do you bring for a round of miniature golf?

Minnie Driver

"Hey, some actress named Reese tried to kill herself last night."

"Witherspoon?"

"No. With a knife."

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I just found out that my sister is an actress in porno movies. That really drives me crazy

and That really drives me crazy: Part 2

Did you see the news?

Tim: John did you see the news yesterday?

John: No shy?

Tim: an actress was killed! She got stabbed to death. Her name was um reese?

John: Witherspoon?

Tim: no with a knife John

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...

Friend: Witherspoon?

Me: No. With a knife.

Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...?

Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername...

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: No, with a knife.

Did any one hear that a famous actress was recently stabbed while eating dinner at a restaurant in Hollywood? Her name was Reese. .....?

If you were thinking Witherspoon you're wrong it was Withherknife.

What do a chop shop and a desperate actress have in common?

They both strip for parts!

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

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Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world.

The first says, “For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.”

The second man replies, “That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.”

“Who is that!? I’ve n...

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?

Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...

Me: Witherspoon?

Mom: no, with her knife

When you hire a Private Detective?

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men....

I was driving out of the hospital parking ramp...

And I stopped to pay the attendant, an older man.

While he was getting change he casually said “you hear about the actress that was stabbed earlier today?”

I’m like “No! That’s terrible! Who was it?!?”

“Reese... umm... uhhh....”

“Witherspoon?!?”

“NO WITH A KNIFE!!!...

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Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.



20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.

He stands...

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Family tries to enter Porn

Mom: I'm gonna be the manager, you and Daddy will be the actors and actress.
Daughter: But Mom!...
Dad: Shhh sweetie, I incest..

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Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

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The man, The newspaper and the wife

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

What do you call a woman that is beautiful and smart?

An actress.

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Two historians are discussing about the Holocaust

\- The holocaust wasn't that bad; says one of them.

\- Are you out of your mind?; the other one replies.

\- What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?

\- But why the actress?

\- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews.

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lo...

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Not sure if this is the right place for this but it was suggested I cross-post here (from ShittyPoetry). So here's my holiday story, 'Twas The Night Before Fapmas. Enjoy!

'Twas the night before Fapmas, alone in my house

One hand on my penis, the other on the mouse

Her stockings were drawn up to her tight thighs with care

And above her lady bits she had shaved off her hair

The actress was disrobed all bare on her bed

When entered a h...

This cracked me up at work tonight!

Did you hear about the famous actress that slit her throat tonight?
What's her name?
Reese...
Reese Witherspoon?
No with a knife

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Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two:...

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