UPJOKE
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Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

What's the difference between a hooker and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense mr weinstein

Who is a Vampires favorite actress?

Neck-hole Kidman.

The producer to his wife, an actress:

Producer: "Darling, will you marry again if I die?"
Wife: "I assume so, dear."
Producer: "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
Wife: "Yes, he would be my husband after all.”
Producer: "Would you give him my golf clubs too?"
Wife: "No, he's left-handed."

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The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful

That in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts

" Where isth she ? "

"In the attic" shouted half of the audience

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What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?

Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.

(I thought that one up myself)

Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth walk into a restaurant...

They're waiting to be seated, when they spot Sandra Bullock and George Clooney sitting at a table nearby.

Suddenly and without warning they run over to the pair's table and start screaming and shouting:

"No!"
"You cannot, and shall not!"
"We will not let you! Ever!"

Securi...

Didn't that actress from Legally Blonde once eat cereal with a fork?

No wait- she ate Reese With a spoon

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.

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This guy sat next to me in the bar.

"Lonely bastard," he muttered.

"Huh?" I asked.

"You look like one lonely bastard," he added.

After a few minutes silence I said, "Lonely, huh?" I nodded to the other side of the room. "That's my girlfriend's over there."

"She's a looker, ain't she?"

"Sure is, she's...

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Recently divorced young actress looking for new husband

A recent divorced pretty young actress posted on internet that she is looking for new husband that never hit, never run and good at sex. Next morning she heard someone banging on the door extremely loud. She opened the door and saw a man without arms or legs.

"Who the hell you think you are...

What's an adult actress' favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider.

Dad, are you having a crush on a young popular actress?

Am I what, son?

The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast

Gotcha :)

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

I like the way that the main actress in *Interstellar* delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.

When the stone was laid across the top, it read:

"At last, she sleeps alone."

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

Who is Goofy's favorite actress?

Selma HYUCK

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What do I, after a week of game binging, have in common with a hardcore anal porn actress/actor ?

It's a pain in the ass afterwards, and I have to learn to walk again.

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What is common between a porn actress and the covid virus

They love to be covered in protein.

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

Anne is such a great actress.

You might say...she Hathaway with words.

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

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Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

You work for a dick and you can’t retire until after 69.

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

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What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work?

Antifistamines.

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Headline: Quenched Dench benched for a French wench finch pinch.

Press Release \[Paris\]:
Legendary actress "Dame Judi", reportedly intoxicated, was suspended from her current production for allegedly stealing a Paris prostitute's pet bird.

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What do porn actresses say to each other when they see a hot new hunk on set?

Get a load of that guy!

I saw the actress who is in Cougartown and Freeks and Geeks at a store today. I shouted at her to ask her name but she continued what she was doing and left quickly after that

I guess she was busy

What did the actress do when she saw her first strands of grey hair?

She thought she would dye.

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.

The agent, who had fantasised about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers...

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

Me: That actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed last week! Reece... Reece... whatshername...Reece....

Friend: Witherspoon?

Me: No, with a knife.

(Courtesy of QI.)

You know how all these actresses are pulling out of Georgia over the abortion thing...





don't they know that isn't effective birth control?

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

Actress: I want to be in the Aladdin remake.

Harvey Weinstein: All you have to do is rub my lamp.

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Did you hear about the aspiring actress who was told her only future was in porn?

She took it pretty hard.

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What did the porn director say to his actors and actress?

"I love it when a plan comes together"

A man came up to me at work and asked if I had heard of the Actress that was killed..

I said “Who?”

“Reese!”

“Witherspoon?”

“Actually, with her knife”

Day = Made

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

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Former pornstar walks into a bar

Former porn actress walks into a bar and sees one of her old coworkers. They get to talking and the active porn actress asks her why she quit.

Well, they keep wanting me to do weirder and weirder stuff. At first it was just BDSM. But then they pushed me to do beastiality which I really regre...

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NSFW Porn actors/actresses aren’t just good at sex.

They’re fucking professionals!

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A gallup poll asked 100 porn actresses if...

they would be willing to have sex with Donald Trump for money. 10% said yes, 20% said no and 70% said ”no, not again”

Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...?

Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername...

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: No, with a knife.

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...

Friend: Witherspoon?

Me: No. With a knife.

Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

Which actress do you bring for a round of miniature golf?

Minnie Driver

How many aspiring actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know - normally they screw in the casting director's hot tub

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?

Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!



(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

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This guy was obsessed with the Brigitte Bardot...

The French actress was a sex symbol in the 50s and 60s and was often referred to, just by her initials – B.B.

His wife thought he would indulge her husband’s obsession and decided to get a tattoo of the initials “B B”, with one letter on each of her butt cheeks. When she got home that night,...

Did any one hear that a famous actress was recently stabbed while eating dinner at a restaurant in Hollywood? Her name was Reese. .....?

If you were thinking Witherspoon you're wrong it was Withherknife.

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

A teenage boy is talking with his friends.

One of them asks - "How would you react if you recognized your favorite actor or actress in the streets?"

He responds - "I doubt I'd recognize them."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't often look at their face."

What was Tom Cruises first marriage called?

The Manchild vs. Kidman


——

Please go easy, I know it’s not a very current topic but I just came up with the pun on this wonderful actresses name.

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Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

When you hire a Private Detective?

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men....

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

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Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.



20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.

He stands...

The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.

Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?

wife: No who?

Cashier: Reese...um...

Wife: Witherspoon?

Cashier: No, with her knife!

Did you see the news?

Tim: John did you see the news yesterday?

John: No shy?

Tim: an actress was killed! She got stabbed to death. Her name was um reese?

John: Witherspoon?

Tim: no with a knife John

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

What do you call a woman that is beautiful and smart?

An actress.

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Two historians are discussing about the Holocaust

\- The holocaust wasn't that bad; says one of them.

\- Are you out of your mind?; the other one replies.

\- What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?

\- But why the actress?

\- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews.

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lo...

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Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world.

The first says, “For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.”

The second man replies, “That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.”

“Who is that!? I’ve n...

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The best part of having a 75" TV is watching porn.

Now all the actresses look as wide as my wife.

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

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Family tries to enter Porn

Mom: I'm gonna be the manager, you and Daddy will be the actors and actress.
Daughter: But Mom!...
Dad: Shhh sweetie, I incest..

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The man, The newspaper and the wife

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

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Three girls went hiking

Three girls went hiking one day, and midway through their trek they came upon a river and decided to rest for a bit. One of the girls saw a glint of light in the riverbank and went to it. She pulled up a golden lamp from the river, and when she was cleaning its surface, a puff of smoke came out and ...

I was driving out of the hospital parking ramp...

And I stopped to pay the attendant, an older man.

While he was getting change he casually said “you hear about the actress that was stabbed earlier today?”

I’m like “No! That’s terrible! Who was it?!?”

“Reese... umm... uhhh....”

“Witherspoon?!?”

“NO WITH A KNIFE!!!...

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Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two:...

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