This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Every year Simon entered the state lottery hoping to win.

He never did. Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around the fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see 7 written on both of her bums .

He bet on 77 as he thoug...

Simon was in a car crash with his uncle.....

Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved
but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his love
of music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.

Who sent Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel a friend request on Facebook

Darkness.

A monastery had a rule: No talking whatsoever.

Once a year, there was an exception to the rule. One monk would get chosen to get up and speak.

The first year, Brother Matthew stood up. Naturally, the hall was silent. He stared at his audience for a minute. Then he spoke. "Hot this year, wasn't it?"

With that, he concluded his speec...

Simon is in the school play and invites his parents

Now his parents don't think he'll be very good. Halfway through the play a floorboard breaks underneath Simon and he falls through. 'Dont worry' Simon's dad whispers to his wife 'It's just a stage he's going through!'

Simon say's, man who runs behind car will get exhausted,

but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Simon Lizotte once threw a vinyl disc straight into a brick wall at 90 mph

Sounds like a broken record

Simon cowell goes to his local football club

He pushes someone over, the ref call : Simon fowl

Teacher: Simon, can you say your name backwards?

Simon replies: โ€œNo Misโ€

According to Simon and Garfunkel, we should blame Rosie for Covid-19

She was the queen of Corona

People like to say that popular music today is so simple, but it's actually always been this way.

After all, Nina Simone is most famous for a 10 minute song about cinnamon.

What do you call a Simon who makes psytrance?

Psymon

Simon Cowell could win X-Factor

He's got a tragic back-story

โ€” So my wife left me yesterday. She said she was gonna move in with Simon, my best friend.

โ€” Since when is Simon your best friend?
โ€” Since yesterday.

Have you heard about the cult of teenage girls who worship the German physicist Georg Simon Ohm?

In schools everywhere, you can hear them praying in the hallways: "Ohm, my God!"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

What did the aluminium say to Paul Simon?

You can call me Al

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Simple Simon met a Pie-Man on his way to the fair. Simple Simon said to the Pie-Man "What have you got there?" and the Pie-Man said

"Pies you stupid fuck"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

John, Simon and Bill are having their lunch on a construction site...

John opens up his sandwiches and says: "ham and cheese, I hate ham and cheese. Don't know why the wife keeps making them".
Simon opens his:
"Tuna mayo. I hate tuna. Why doesn't my wife ever listen!? "
Bill has peanut butter and jelly:
" Disgusting. I'll need to tell my wife to get her a...

What did the pirate say to Simon and Garfunkel?

ARRRRRR you going to scarborough fair?

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Simon the soft hearted hobo

A woman is at the top of a cliff working up the nerve to jump to her death when a smelly homeless person walks up and says, "Hey lady, if you are going to jump why don't we have sex first?"

And she yells, "No! Get away from me!"

So the homeless guy says, "Fine! I'll just wait at the b...

How to make flat earther's believe in the globe earth...

Believe in the globe earth...

I said, believe the globe earth...

"Simon says"
Believe the globe earth!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Itโ€™s true kind of

What do you call a talent show judge who poops a lot


Simon bowel

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

If you know anyone named Rosie stay the hell away from them...

After all Paul Simon taught us sheโ€™s the queen of Corona.

The last will

Joe was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Simon, I...

Three days after the death of Jesus

Mary, after visiting the tomb runs to the disciples and says "He's gone! Jesus's body has disappeared."

Simon: "Maybe he was given UpJesus"

Mary: "What's UpJesus?"

Jesus {Risen}: "Not much. What's up with you"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Shove a copy of Shaun of the Dead up someone's ass

Simon Pegging

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

The King asked one of his advisors to find the biggest five idiots in the kingdom and bring them to him within a month.

King Bob asked his advisor Simon to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Simon brought to the court only two people!

"But I asked for five," King Bob shouted angrily.

"Give me a chance to...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

During one of our lessons, I asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer," said Simon.
"Very good, Simon. Anyone else?"
"My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy.
"Excellent, Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked.
"No, sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."

After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*

and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*

Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*

Then John stepped forward and asked the same que...

What do you call a Jamaican guy exhaling deeply?

Simon.

This was deemed "pretty bad" by my friends...

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigor...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

[NSFW] The best joke ever told to me by a priest.

On the day of the Crucifixion, Jesus was on the Cross, surrounded by a ring of legionaires, while his follows stood just outside the range of their spears. Among them is Simon Peter, Rock of the Church. Faintly on the wind, Simon Peter hears his Master's voice. "Peter, Peter..." heedless of the dang...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two old Jews, sitting on a park bench ...

The one old guys says, "Simon, you just won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

Simon replies, "Well, I was thinking of going back to the old country and putting up a big statue in the town square."

"That sounds nice. A statue of whom?"

"I'm going to put ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

A teacher asks a student

Teacher: Now simon, tell me do you say your prayers before eating?

Simon: No miss, I don't have to, my mom's a good cook.

A friend of mine asked me how he could become a more effective boss...

I said, just change your name to Simon.

A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven

In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says "state your name and occupation please"

He says "Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"

St. Peter checks his list and smiles, "...

I could've been a boxer, like my father.

He could've been one too



Source: Simon Munnery

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