Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

What happened when the composer got fired for being too experimental?

He went baroque.

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73...

One of his biggest hits was "Dead Ringer for Love" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

A composer, a chef, and a creative writer are interviewed how they find beauty in classical music.

The composer says, "I love how the notes harmonize on the octaves when they're played, no matter the scale; anytime I hear someone singing the fifth note, I get these fuzzy feelings inside."

The creative writer answers, "What I find fascinating about music in general is the story behind the ...

What is a chickens favorite composer?

Bawk

Did you hear about the composer who took a vow of silence?

His friends called him Mutezart.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

What does a classical composer use to carry his groceries?

A Chopin cart

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he was going to attend the 18th century composer costume party.

He said, “Yes, I’ll be Bach”.

Who is a chickens favourite composer

Johan Sebastian Bock

Where are composers taken to be executed?

To the Chopin block

If classical composers of old were alive and listened to some of the music that's popular today, they'd all complain....

Except Beethoven

What did one composer say to the other when the bill arrived?

Can you pay? I'm baroque.

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

What do a composer and a racist have in common?

They both use slurs

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

My Friend And I Recently Desecrated A German Composer's Tomb

It was Bach-breaking work, but we got it done.

What happens to composers when they die?

They decompose.

So I died and was reincarnated as a composer...

I'm Bach now.

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

Composers are such hypocrites

They compose when they are alive and decompose when they are dead!

Spotify won't let me listen to any Hungarian composers for some reason

I feel so lisztless

Why did everyone hate the classical composer’s music

Everyone thought he had some sheet music

Joke about dead Austrian composer

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

T...

The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

What's a music major frat boy's favorite composer?

Debussy

What do you call a conflict between composers?

A de*bach*le.

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

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Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him

The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players werent synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.

Before the composer was put in the electr...

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

Bach was a legendary composer with 20 kids.........

I guess that qualifies him as being a freak in the sheets and on the sheets.....

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere...

i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it.

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

Why were all the 17th century composers poor?

Because they were baroque a f.

What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?

One of them still knows the score

Why was the Austrian composer so hard to find?

Because he was Haydn.

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano?

Baklava.

(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"

Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"

Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."

Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."

*Stall...

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I hate when people incorrectly categorize Mozart as a classical composer...

Even though he lived during the Classical Era, he was Baroque as fuck.

What did the composer say about the music at the Super Bowl?

It's in half time.

Talking Chicken (my original twist)

A guy goes into a bar with a chicken. The bartender of course says, “What’s up with the chicken? We don’t allow chickens in here.“

The guy says “it’s okay, Freddie’s a talking chicken!“

The bartender says “yeah sure pal. If that chicken can talk, I’ll give you all the free beer you wan...

In his prime Mozart was one of the best composers.

But after his death he became a decomposer.

So I phoned my friend to ask him why he's been calling me the names of different composers, but he didn't answer...

He hasn't called me Bach yet.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music!

His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."

Why did the composer go to the chiropractor?

Because he had Bach problems

Did you hear about the constipated composer?

He couldn't finish the last movement.

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Every time a famous music composer dies...

... he starts decomposing.

How does a composer remember which groceries to buy?

She writes a Chopin Liszt.

Which classical composer is best at playing hide and seek?

Haydn. [OC]

The music composer at my school is suffering from Cancer.

He's in the hospital being fed through a tuba.

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