UPJOKE
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Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

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President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," say...

The President

The President and his cabinet (advisors) go to a restaurant. The waiter asks the President what he'd like to order. "A steak", he says. The waiter asks, "And the vegetables?" The President replies, "they'll have steak too".

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Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?

His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.

Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

What do you get when you cross a president with a potato?

A dictator.

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

The president announced that Oklahoma was taking over the United States.

He said, "Don't worry, the US will be OK."

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

The U.S. President gets a call from the Treasury Department.

-Mr. President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second o...

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

President Joe Biden was advised that he needed to assemble a new cabinet to deal with the Russia / Ukraine conflict

Coming back from IKEA, he realised he had greatly misunderstood the task given to him

There has been a devastating fire in russian president Putin's presidential library

Both books were destroyed!

But even worse is that he only finished coloring one of them!

What's the difference between a president and and actor?

One leads the land, the other lands the lead.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

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A President, an Actor and a Soldier try to go in to a bar

But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors.

White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

Breaking News: The Chinese President and the Russian President have had their first lovechild…

Named Winnie the Pootin.

If you clone the president of the United States that's allowed

If you clone him twice that's also allowed

But if you clone him a third time ...

That's four-Biden

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

The CEO of IKEA was just elected as The President of Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

President Zelinski has come out with a plan to get the Russian Army out of Ukraine in 24 hours

It’s called operation “give them a full tank of gas”

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

What did Selensky think when he quit Comedy to become the Ukranian president?

"I am so done with bombing!"

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

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President Putin gets into a taxi.

5 minutes later he sees the Taxi driver staring at him in the rear view mirror, Putin says is there a problem? Taxi driver just grinned and said give me a clue? Putin puffed his chest out and said, I am the President Of Russia. Taxi driver says I know that you fucking prick, where are you going?

I finally realized what I have to do to become the President of Russia...

Just got to Putin the work.

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

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American, Russian and Serbian presidents argue about who has a more loyal and devout soldier

(Explanation for non-Balkan people: Serbs are known to be very stubborn, and sometimes refuse to do what you demand them to do or they do the opposite, just "because")



Biden says: "I'll show you the pride of the USA military. John, come here!"



A soldier arrives, salute...

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The US President got daily casualty reports from the war…

On his first day in office he was briefed by the Chief of Staff:

“I’m sorry to say that yesterday four French soldiers were killed in action.”

“How terrible”, says the President, “send my condolences to the families and wire a note of support to the French president.”

On his sec...

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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Which president is the worst at the pull out method?

Vladimir put in.

I thought about running for president

But I figured he should do his own exercise.

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

A woman goes out of town for a couple of weeks for work.

She calls her husband after a day or two and they are just catching up. Most things have been discussed when she asks how the cat is and if he's taking care of her.

"Oh, cat died," he says.

She gets upset and, exasperated, tells him, "you can't just come out and surprise me with it li...

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

I can't believe there's so many conspiracy theories in the world. This is really not the time to be making up so many.

Not now while Trump is still sitting president.

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

Then Ok!

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."

Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*

\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of...

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What are Politics?

A young boy asks his father what politics are at the dinner table. His father responds with, "Well look at it this way son, I'm the president since I run the household. Your mother is the government since she pays the bills, the nanny is the working class since she works for me, and you and your lit...

How was president Xi elected?

He was highest in the Peking order.

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.

They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they ...

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Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

Canada has no president

False or Trudeau

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".

Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.

"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."

"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is....

As the Ukrainians are fighting back against the Russians...

It turns into a street-level war where both sides are shooting at each other from behind walls. The Russian army isn't able to move forward and the Ukrainians cannot get the Russians to retreat.

So the Ukrainian platoon leader asks: "Is there nothing we can do to get an advantage?"

One...

Only people who hate the president are allowed here.

Everyone else is forbiden

Why did the president put his vegetables in a blender?

He was hoping for whirled peas.

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home

After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there...

The Pope has to go to a hospital to bless the terminally ill.

This time though, he decided he wants to drive the popemobile by himself and makes his chauffeur sit in the back. As soon as the engine starts, the Pope starts going so fast that the engine can barely keep up, without caring about the fact he's way past the speed limit. The chauffeur in the back, sc...

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Three leaders of the free world and Putin walk into a inn looking for a hot bowl of stew

Biden, Macron, Zelenskyy, and Putin walk into a inn hungry for a bowl of hot bowl of stew. The innkeeper apologizes, saying that the last bowl went to the woman in the corner with her baby.

They think they can get it off of her.

So Macron walks up to her and says, "Bonjour Madame, I...

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?

The Bushes

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

President of France, Italy and Serbia are flying over the world in a jet.

They fly over France and the president of France says:
"Look, there's France!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"
He responds:
"You can see the Eiffel tower."

They fly over Italy and the president of Italy says:
"Look, there's Italy!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"...

The first female president is being sworn in.

Her Jewish mother is sitting in the second row next to a Supreme Court Justice, watching. The judge leans over and says, "Madam, you must be VERY proud."

The mother says, "Well, you see that girl with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."

A very fit and healthy president died unexpectedly

This was a shock to the country

Nobody had imagined anything like this would happen

He situation was indeed *unprecedented*

(I guess this is OC, thought of it in the shower)

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The Spanish Inquisition return with a rabbit that's converted to Christianity and is a foot taller than it was before.

Were you not expecting that? Nobody was.

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My wife treats me like a president

It mostly means she hides her tax money from me and talks shit about me on social media.

'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son.

Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was
your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.'

'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was
president.'

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.

So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.

"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."

The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who wil...

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

I wanted to run for president of China, but apparently I'm not allowed to.

At least, that's what Xi said...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

My Cat is very smart and can talk

I asked him who was the communist former president of the People's Republic of China and he said "Mao".

Have you heard of the Russian who told a joke about the Honorable President?

The punchline was fantastic, but the execution was mind-blowing.

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An old lady shows up to a bank..

An old lady shows up at the Bank of Canada one morning with a bag of money.
The old lady insists on talking to the president of the bank about opening a savings account because, she says, she has a lot of money.
After much discussion, an employee took him to the president's office.
The Pre...

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

Joe Biden is not my president!!

At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.

There's a term for Presidents like Trump..

Probably not *two* terms though...

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

In the middle of his administration, President Trump went to give a speech to a prison…

Trump’s speech writer had everything ready for him except for the opening line.

“How about ‘My fellow Americans..’” Trump suggested.
“I’m sorry Mr. President but many prisoners may be of foreign nationality.” His speech writer warned.

“Okay. Then ‘My fellow citizens…’”

“I’...

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

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What do you call the Russian president when he’s in the bathroom?

Vladimir Poopin

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

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