Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Joe Biden is not my president!!

At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

What does the secret service say when President Trump almost gets shot?

Donald, duck!

It's 2021, and President Joe Biden is told he needs to assemble a cabinet

Coming back from IKEA, he realizes he's greatly misunderstood the task

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

Trump: "We cannot let a woman be president!"

Staff: "That's not what transition team means, sir."

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

Donald Trump WILL be president next year...

For about 19 days.

This is the first time that a US president is named Joe.

Goes to show, it’s still not true that any average Joe can become president.

How many Americans does it take to change a President?

Please, someone tell me. I want to get this over with!

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bidet and 46th US President-Elect Biden have in common?

They both clean up after assholes

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

Why did the dime run for President?

Because people kept saying they wanted to vote for change.

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

If president Trump actually dies from covid you won't see me smiling

Because I will be wearing a mask

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

‟What brings you before the gre...

President's Aide: "Mr. Trump, the dry cleaners called and wanted to let you know...

You left two supreme court justices in your pocket when you dropped your suit off."

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

Woke up this morning and we still don't have a decision on who our next president will be.

It's Unpresidented

Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January

He Putin his two month notice

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

What's President Trump's new favorite band?

Air Supply

My friends keep telling me that Joe is too old to be president

Well I’m sure he could’ve run years ago, but he’s been Biden his time

President Trump treated Biden likely how he treats Melania.

He never lets either of them finish.

Three days and counting and still we don't know who will be the president

These are unpresidented times

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

I was asked to describe the last two us presidents in 5 words

Orange is the new black

My American friend just told me, ''No matter who the news say won the election, Trump will still be my President."

"Till 20th of January, 2021."

I think it was totally disrespectful for Joe Biden to call the President of the United States a clown.

As a clown, I'm extremely offended

President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

A letter gets sent to the White House addressed to "The World's Greatest President"

President Biden refuses to open it, seeing as though he hasn't earned the title, so he forwards it to Obama. Obama won't touch it and sends it to the estate of George H. W. Bush, who promptly forwards it to George W. W won't look at it and sends it to Reagan's Presidential Library, where Trump hap...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

"Why?", Putin asks him.

"Ah, I can't find myself with these times."

"I fly to another city, call home and everybody's asleep."

"I last woke up 4 in the morning, but thought it was only evening."

"I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday, and she tells me s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say President Trump first noticed he may have Covid-19

When he couldn’t smell the bullshit coming out of his own mouth.

What does a president who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

What kind of car does the French President drive?

Emmanuel.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

My wheelchair-bound friend said he wanted to run for president.

Guess he’ll just be sitting for president.

When Kanye West ran for president he created his own political party called the Birthday Party. He calls it the birthday party because he says “Every day will feel like your birthday when we win”.

True story

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It should be no surprise President Trump doesn't care about climate change

He's always liked to fuck the younger generation

What did the turkey say to the US president on Thanksgiving?

I beg your pardon.

Biden: Mr. President, do you know what the irony was about this election?

Trump: I don't know Joe. What was the irony about this election?

Biden: I beat you in my sleep.

If a satirical website can dupe the president of the US

imagine what foreign intelligence agencies do to him.

Why will the President stop breaking the law next week?

...

Because he’ll be a-Biden

A Republican and a Democrat are running for U.S. President...

They both look like they should really be in the Whig Party.

I would for Monica Lewinski for president.

She is a Republican with a splash of Democrat in her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump, lying face-down on a table, is being examined by a proctologist.

In the midst of the exam, the proctologist urgently calls in his nurse.

"My God!", the proctologist says. "Take a look at this! I don't think I've ever seen an asshole like this!"

The nurse's jaw drops. "Doctor, I think you should immediately clarify that you're referring to the presid...

President Trump has reportedly contracted coronavirus

Finally, something positive about Trump.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

TIL that former Mexican president Vicente Fox has American heritage. The last name does give it away but the story of his grandfather’s journey from Cincinnati to Mexico is still fascinating.

He comes from a long line of people who would escape as far away from Ohio as humanly possible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times?

Sixpence

It’s unlikely that President Trump truly has COVID...

He’s been paying others to take his tests for 65 years.

Mr. President, what do you think about the constitution?

"It's truly awesome. I defeated the virus in only four days and I feel better than 20 years ago."

If someone with great focus killed a president that happened to have ADHD, what would that person be called?

*A concentraitor*

And probably a political assassin by a jury of their peers.

*But concentraitor tho*

The Clintons at President Reagan’s funeral

I don’t know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might’ve noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said “I see the Clintons are finally slee...

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

Jerry Falwell Jr has resigned his post as president from the school that his father founded

When reporters were seeking a statement, he was not at Liberty to respond

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump needs glasses.

There’s a lot of stuff he does NAZI.

What did Bernie Sanders running for president and me arguing with my wife have in common?

We never stood a chance but we just wanted to get our ideas out there.

So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.

Welcome back President Obama we missed you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

What happened to the government when the president was impeached for the first time ever?

They found themselves in an unpresidented situation.

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

Once a man a was shouting at Times square " The president is an Idiot"

"The president is an Idiot" he yelled

You can't defame the president, a cop arrested him
"Hey I didn't say 'our' president, I was talking about China"

Cop replied "Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot"

I don't know about you guys but I would like a nudist as president,

He clearly has nothing to hide.

The presidents of USA, Canada and Mexico got together...

...to discuss on who has the most loyal citizens.

The Canadian president says he has the most loyal citizens. He says to a random Canadian to jump off a roof. He doesnt want to.

The Mexican president says he has the most loyal citizens. He says to a random Mexican to jump off a roof. H...

President Busb was reading a newspaper on an airplane

Former President George Bush was on an airplane and was reading the newspaper. Its headline says "A wildfire has displaced over 50 Brazilian citizens."

He turns to one of his assistants and says "Thats terrible! We should help them. How much is Brazilian?"

Did you know every president since Eisenhower has had a daily briefing every morning six days a week?

The only exception was Reagan, who would usually soil himself in the afternoon and require a second pair.

What do you call a set of calculations to determine the fluidity of a former Vice President's dance moves?

Al Gore rhythm algorithm

If Trump succumbs, the first phone call President Pence receives...

...should be from the Mexican government offering to pay for his gravestone.

Jeff Bezos has never been the President of Amazon.

Just the Prime Minister.

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar

The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.

"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout "...

So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.

As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

What did Donald Trump do when he heard the Vice President was thirsty?

He gave Pensacola

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

Alexa for President!

I asked Alexa if she was considering running for President, but she said she was better suited for Speaker of the House.

Mr. President, your test came back negative

“My Corona Test?”

.
.
.
“No, your IQ test”.

After Trump dies, at his eulogy the priest says: he is today how he was as president..

Wearing make-up and lying in front of us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

What state was president kennedy in when he got shot?...

.....not a very good one, he’d just been shot

I once heard that JFK was the most arrogant President:

It’s always in one ear and out the other with that man.

The President visits a school

The President was visiting a school, and in one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"N...

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