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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder! "So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver...

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Two guys sitting at a bar.

Suddenly one begins rattling off : "You know what? Last night I fucked your Mom! "


Other guys says nothing but looks agitated.


" Yeah!" first guy continues. "First I took her doggy style! Then she gave me a blow job, and finally I came up her butt! "


Second ...

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

Three old women were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat flashed them.

The first old lady got a stroke. The second old lady got a stroke. The third old lady had arthritis and couldn’t reach.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she sa...

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘...

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.

"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..

"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.

"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.

"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?

Few minutes later,...

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Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

Three Brigadier Generals of the Army were sitting together and having drinks..

After a few rounds they start talking about their achievements in their respective careers. The topic somehow gets to who among the three Generals has the most fearless soldiers.

The first General says "My soldiers are very fearless, whatever I tell them to do they will do it without a second...

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

I was sitting in a recliner naked eating Cheetos minding my own business

And the Walmart manager calls the police

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

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Why does Nicki Minaj like sitting on ferns?

Because she loves her butt in plants.

Three old men sitting on a park bench…

Man #1: I wish I can sleep through the night, I get up every 2 hours to pee.

Man #2: You think that’s bad? I’m constipated and haven’t had a bowel movement in a week.

Man #3: You think you guys have problems? I sleep throughout the night and every morning at 7:30 I empty my bladder and...

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A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

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Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

“Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your f...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

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What do you call six nude guys all sitting stacked up on each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

As a young sailor we were sitting around talking about what our parents do for a living one guy exclaimed, “My Dad works for the post office but my Moms a Hydroceramic Engineer”, we all oohed and aahed…

“She’s a dishwasher”

A man is sitting down for his dinner.

He hears a knock at the door. And as he lives in quite a rural area there doesn't tend to be that many visitors, so he was quite taken aback. As he opened the door, he looked round everywhere but there was no one there. He was very confused. But then looking down on the floor, he saw a snail and thr...

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."...

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend. He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"


"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.


So the young man shrugged and started eating.


The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit ...

There where a couple of pigeons sitting on my fence earlier, so I shouted at them and they both fell off and died.

I didn't know you could kill two birds with one's tone.

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

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Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when…

a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man cryi...

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I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

Translated (badly) Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach...

Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach, when suddenly a tequila falls in. He shrug it off and continue to relax, but after a while a rum falls in and join them.

He do some smalltalk but in general isn't much interested, so he continue to relax on his own. Then vodka falls in and joins...

I was in a bar last night and saw a cute woman sitting alone.

I walked over, said “hi” and asked her “what is your name?”

“Chantelle” she said

“Oh, I wish you would” I replied.

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Two Redneck men, Joe and Dave, are sitting on the porch of their house one day, when a car breaks down in front of them.

An attractive woman gets out; she obviously looks really wealthy too with her fancy clothes and pretty car. She goes up to them and asks them for help.

The rednecks are nice and let her use their phone to call the mechanic; however, the rednecks are also really horny and want to get to "know ...

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

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A Japanese, a German and a Chinese are sitting on a park bench

they start to talk and gets an urge to brag.
First the Japanese takes a pen out of his pocket and dismantles it, then shows it's body and says 'We made this'
the German takes out refill and says 'We made this'
the Chinese takes them and reassembles them, then takes a small marker and writes...

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office.

The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker."

The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and exami...

A farmer was sitting in his barn. After a long day he was admiring his work.

Farmer: I love my job

Sheep: Yeah cause all you do is boss us all day

The farmer not believing what just happened

Farmer: What did you just say..!?

Sheep: You herd us.

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8 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting in music class. The teacher said that each student would play the role of a famous composer.

One student said "I'll be Beethoven".

Another said "I'll be Mozart".

Yet another student said "I'll be Tchaikovsky".

And Arnold said "I'll be Bach".

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed.

A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed. The chicken frowns and crosses its arms. The smiling egg gets out a pack of cigarettes and lights up a smoke.

Well... that answers that question.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids!

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

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A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She re...

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A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

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Two race horses were sitting at a bar ...

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says, "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day"

"What happened Bill?"

"Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I...

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Two dogs are sitting in the lounge room

Dog 1 - heard a good joke yesterday.

Dog 2 - oh yeah?

Dog 1 - knock kn...

Dog 2 *goes fucking nuts*

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some weed.

After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.

When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monk...

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Three boys were sitting on a curb, admiring a parked Cadillac, Mercedes and BMW.[NSFW]

The first kid says “man, I’m going to keep practicing my three point shot so I can go to the NBA, and buy a Cadillac like that one.” Second kid says “I’m going to go to college, get a good job, and buy a Mercedes.” The last kid says “I wish I had a nice pussy.” The first two kids exclaim “WTF you wa...

I pointed towards two old drunks sitting across the table in the bar

and told my friend "We'll be like that in another 10 years"

He said "That's a mirror you idiot!"

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H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes, I am."

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, "Sure, hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has ...

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A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to fuck your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

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A man is sitting next to a woman...

A man is sitting next to a woman. man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes la...

A dad and son are sitting in a park

Son asks, "Dad what is dark humour"

Dad, "Son see that man with no arms. Ask him to clap"

Son, "But dad I am blind"

Dad "I know"

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly bac...

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A man and a woman are sitting at the bar ...

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away.

After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me."

The man looked surprised as the woman was ...

I was sitting next to Floridaman at the bar the other night when an Aerosmith song came on.

He swears it’s called “ Loving an alligator “, but I don’t think that’s right.

Two guys are sitting around drinking whiskey. One turns to the other and says "I like my whiskey without ice." His friend smiles and responds...

"I see what you did there! That's neat."

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts “Free shots for the bar! On that man over there!” And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can’t see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouri...

Two old married couples are driving to dinner. The two old wives are sitting in the back seat, the two old husbands sitting in the front seat.

Two old married couples are driving to dinner. The two old wives are sitting in the back seat, the two old husbands sitting in the front seat.

"Where are we going for dinner?" Frank asks Harry.

"I forget," Harry says. "It's, uh... it's... what's the name of the flower, the red one?"<...

They say sitting through a bad PowerPoint presentation reduces your lifespan by 30 minutes

Going by that metric, I've been dead since 1909.

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

A husband walks into his wife and her friends sitting on the couch eating snacks

"bunch of fat cows" muttered the husband

"what was that" shouted his wife

"you herd" replied the husband

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."

The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.

The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so so...

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A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

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A Waitress approached a Man sitting at the table.

Waitress: Are you ready to order sir.?

Man: Yes.

Waitress: What about your Wife.?

Man: She has popped to the bathroom.

Waitress: Do you know what she is having.?

Man: Well it's been 10 minutes, so probably a shit.

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A little boy is sitting on a park bench,

Eating 5 pounds of chocolate. He's eating, eating, eating, really having the time of his life. As he finishes the bag, an old man walks up to him and says "Son, you know it's really not good to eat so much chocolate! You'll get diabetes, high cholesterol, it can really cause serious medical issues."...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…

Scared the shit outta me.

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

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I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.

The kid kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics...
So I said," When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face I'd stay that way."
To that the little shit replied " Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

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An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

Two blondes are sitting in a room...

The first one picks up a small mirror, looks into it and says :
"Hey ! I know that person !"

The second one takes the mirror from her friend, looks into it herself and says :
"Well DUH... It's me !"

I was sitting in traffic the other day

Probably why I got run over

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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?"

The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."
The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"
The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb

Shaking a bottle of turpentine. The local priest walking by, stopped and asked what he had in the bottle. Johnny said, “this is the most powerful liquid in the world, turpentine.” The priest said, “the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. A couple drops on a pregnant woman’s belly, and...

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.

The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.

She looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"

“A spider,” he replies.

“I don't see anything.”

“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he says calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming. <...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

I was sitting in a Restaurant on a Table

A waiter came to me and said: Comfortable sir?

Me: No, Come for the food.

:)

Two Muffins are sitting in the oven...

...after a while one says: Wow, it's really getting hot in here. And the other one says: Wow, a speaking Muffin.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

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Two cowboys are sitting in a bar, and bragging.

After finishing his glass of whisky, the first cowboy says to the second one while pointing at the window: "See this bucket of flower on the other side of the road, I can shoot at all the flowers faster than you can blink".

The other cowboy, denied: "That's impossible! The fastest in the Wes...

A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:

My wife and I were walking out of a restaurant with a doggie bag, when we saw a young teen in shabby clothes sitting on the sidewalk

He asked if he could have our leftovers, so I gladly gave them to him.

I asked him if he was an orphan.

He said "Yes I am - what gave me away?"

I replied "Obviously, your parents."

A backpacker finds a small village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny bar

He walks into the bar and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 7!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch

Attempted murder

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall

Walking by some kid dressed like a punk rocker with colorful hair sat next to him. The old man looks at kid perplexingly. Annoyed the kid says to the old man “Is there a fucking problem!” The old man replied “no problem, but I fucked a peacock once and I’m just wondering if you’re my son”

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....

out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a few words?"

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "being alive", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "he would have liked that".

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

A French man, a German, a Portuguese man and a Swede are all sitting in a bar.

Normally there’s also a Belgian in this joke but he’s still at the Euro cup…

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school...

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