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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

A Cowboy rides through the desert

For two days. He's hungry, thirsty and tired, his horse too. He sees a small town on the horizon. He finally reaches it on sunset and comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:

"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and...

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Found a sweet little thing walking the streets last night so I offered her a ride home, got her some dinner and got laid for my effort.

Still not sure whose dog this is though...

Why did the highwayman choose to ride a small horse?

Because you can mascarpone.

to ride a horse or not to ride a horse

that is equestrian

How much does it cost to ride The Smiler on a busy day?

An arm and a leg

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

TIL that the first escalators had people who were payed to ride them.

sounds like a job with a lot of ups and downs

The helicopter ride

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair and Ken said,'E...

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Cowboy rides into a dusty town on his horse and stops at a saloon...

He ties up his horse, goes up the the bar, sits at the counter, and orders a couple beers to quench his thirst. When he walks out, he realizes his horse is missing!


He flings those saloon doors open, hand on his pistol, and shouts, “which one of you sidewinding sons of bitches stole my ho...

How can 71 people ride a car?

2 on the front and 69 on the back.

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

My horse will only let me ride him after dark.

He's a total night mare. *she

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

What do Cowboys get when they ride all day?

Rawhide!

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

So, I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it would never get me anywhere in life...

I looked her dead in the eye and said... “You’re wrong mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

What does a prehistoric farmer ride in the fields?

A Velocitractor

What do you call it when you film a long car ride in a movie?

A limo-scene

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

If a Stormtrooper offers to give you a ride in his car, you shouldn’t worry about ending up in a car accident

They have a stellar safety record, because they’ve never hit anything since the beginning of time

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

Why can't Billy ride a bike?

Because he's a fish.

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A cowboy rides into town on a hot day

He ties his horse to the hitching post outside the saloon, then walks around behind the horse, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the asshole. Then he walks into the saloon, orders a whiskey and downs it.

The cowboy tips his hat to the bartender and walks back outside where he proceeds...

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

What do you call someone who takes politicians for a ride?

Power steering

That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home

Iran

True Story. So my grandpa, my father and I were out on a car ride to the beach when I was 11.

I always loved riding with my grandpa because he told all of his war stories from serving in WWII, and as a kid they were always cool to hear.

We stopped at a stop sign, and a car with 3 asian kids pulled up behind us ( maybe 18/19 year olds) and immediately started blaring the horn. My gran...

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is very particular about hiring rides.

I mean, why would he Uber when he could Lyft?

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

The producers of Pimp My Ride were on trial...

Included in the evidence was a photo from the set. Exhibit A: Xzbit's Exhibit.

Him: why ride a roller coaster when you can ride me?

Her: because roller coasters actually make me scream

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

The American President, the Russian President and the Chinese President are all riding in a chopper.

Suddenly, the American President, overcome with pride for his country, takes out a stack of bills from his pocket, and throws it out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of money!"

Seeing this, the Russian President takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it out, shouting, "My countr...

A journalist once asked Freddie Mercury what he wanted.

The question was: "you say you want to break free, you want to ride your bicycle, you want to make a supersonic man out of me... What do you want at the end?"

He answered : "I want it all and I want it now."

A man on vacation in the Caribbean decides to go horseback riding.

He visits a local farm that rents horses to ride around the countryside. The owner of the horse, a very religious man, explains to the visitor that in order to make the horse go, he’ll have to say “Thank God,” and to make the horse stop, he should say “Amen.”

During his ride around the villa...

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

Some say Satan owns a roller coaster.

I hear its one hell of a ride.

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says...

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

Four strangers find themselves chatting on a bus ride away from New York City

They talk for a while about who they are and why they’re leaving the city. There’s a loud and charming man looking for a new start away from the big city, a contortionist tired of all the hustle and bustle, a quiet girl who gave no explanation on her past, and a woman pregnant with triplets trying t...

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

Where does rain go to get a ride.

The precipistation.

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A cowboy was out riding his horse when he was captured by 3 Indians

The Indians tell him, "We'll give you three wishes before we kill you." The cowboy says, "Okay, well I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy whispers in his horse's ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out of sight. Shortly the horse returns with a beautiful naked redhe...

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out o...

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