This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home

Iran

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says...

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

I recently bought a bicycle that plays American music when you ride it

It's called a Gerschwinn

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heaven Rides

*Note: I heard this joke from my dad who heard it from his grandmother, so if this isn't as good as it should be sorry.

3 guy friends (no homo) die and go to heaven, where together they are asked questions by St. Peter. After passing all questions,
St. Peter asks, "so far you have done we...

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

Where does rain go to get a ride.

The precipistation.

Five blondes go for a ride in one of their pickup trucks. One rides shotgun while the remaining three sit in the back.

While crossing a narrow bridge, the driver loses control and crashes into the river below. The driver and the front blonde quickly make it to the surface, while the three at the back only surface after a while.

Fuming, one screams, “I can’t believe you left us there! We almost couldn’t get th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl wants to go see a movie with her friends, but she doesn't have a ride.

So she goes to her dad and asks to borrow the car for the night. He says, "Sure, you can borrow the car, buy first you have to give me a blowjob." She whines and cries, but he doesn't budge.

Eventually, she relents and agrees to the task. She gives his dick an initial lick and says, "Ew! Dad...

A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."

​

"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."

​

"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus mic...

2 bikers going for a ride...

They decided to stop for a leak off the side of a bridge. As they're doing their business, one biker says "jeez, the water's cold". The other one says "jeez, the bottoms rough...".

Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

I was walking along a road after my car broke down and a passing car stopped to ask if I needed a ride and why I was walking.

Piston broke I answered....Us too come on buddy get in.

2 reasons why I don’t take my girlfriend on rides in my Mercedes.

1. I don’t have a Mercedes.



2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

What do Cowboys get when they ride all-day

Rawhide

What do you call a firebird without a ride home?

A Joaquin Phoenix

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lonely driver sees a nun hitchhiking and decides to give her a ride

After a surprisingly good conversation, the drivers feel embolden enough the ask the big question:

\-Mam, if I may be do indiscreet, how do you live without sex?

\-Oh my good man, I've already had so much sex that I can go a while without.

​

The driver is surpr...

$50 is $50

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the f...

What's the fastest ride at the carnival?

You would think it would be the roller coaster.

But really the carousel has the most horse power.

Redneck sits next to the silicon valley kid on the overnight train ride

Redneck really wants to sleep, but silicone valley kid won't shut up, describing the wonders of technology.

\- Nowadays I can find an answer to any question, no matter how hard, you just need to know how to use tech!

Redneck really wants to sleep. But the kid keeps showing his gadgets,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoke...

A little boy rides his red wagon down the hill in front of the preachers house.

There was a little boy around 8 or 9 that had a little red wagon. One day he mustered up the courage to ride it down the hill in front of his house past the preachers house. Well, he got in the wagon and started down the hill and halfway down a wheel falls off and he goes off the road in front of th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man decides to ride his horse into Montana.

So the man decides to quit his job, and ride his horse into Montana, now he just wanted to go to ride, just the feeling of being free, as did his horse, and they created a great inseparable bond. But one day they're caught by a group of native Americans and they seize the man and his horse. They dec...

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he did...

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.

With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the...

Humans used to ride cows and bulls into battle before horses were domesticated

It wasn't very good, they were udderly defeated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

*long*Muslim Extremist rides a Cab...

Extremist: Can I ask you a question?
Driver: Sure.

Extremist: Did they have radio in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No

Extremist: So why do you have it on?
Driver: *Turns off radio*

Extremist: Did they have Air-conditioning in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

Th...

Scribe is to Scribble as Ride is to...?

"Riddle?"

"Yes, can you solve it?"

Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says "I haven't come this way before".
The other says "neither have I just hold on and enjoy it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman ride an elevator

A man gets on an elevator and encounters a woman. He looks at her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" She is stunned and responds, "No!" The man says, "Ah must be your feet then."

Where does Superman ride?

On Lois Lane.

A cowboy rides into a new town,

and stops at the first saloon he sees.

Walks in, and is surprised that the whole place is empty except for the bartender polishing some glasses.

So he asks, "Where is everyone?"

Barkeep looks up from his busy work and replies, "Well, probably at the hanging."

Cowboy asks,...

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On the topic of tailpipe-fucking a car, how does one sodomize their ride?

Stick it in the gashole

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] What’s the most ironic amusement park ride?

The ferrous wheel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my consent

When i found out, i was fluming!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rides through the desert on the back of a camel

After days of travel he starts to get horny and extremely pent up. So he gets the thought: "Might as well do it with my camel".
With that goal in mind, he grabs a shovel and starts piling up sand behind the camel so he could reach it, but every time he got on top of the pile, the camel walked out...

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a winter's day

They pull up outside the saloon and the Lone Ranger says, "I need to see a guy in there - you'll have to wait out here, it's against the law to let you in a place where liquor is sold".

Tonto scowls. "But it's freezing out here, *kemo sabe*!".

"I can't help that - the law's the law," s...

What is the hardest part about learning to ride a bike?

The Pavement.

(Long) Queen Guinevere is going for a late night carriage ride...

... when suddenly bandits attack her carriage. As King Arthur is not here, they kill the driver, kick her out and make off with the carriage itself. In her frustration she exclaims, "Oh, what a night!"


Seeing as there's nothing else to do, she begins to walk towards the castle. However, o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My last ride......

My last ride.......


While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who...

What type of pet likes to ride in a car?

A carpet

A witch was going to take a friend's broom for a ride

But she couldn't drive a stick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a hippie gets a ride on the public bus and sees a hot young nun.

He sits down next to her and
promptly asks if she would like to
have Sex, to which she immediately
says NO and walks off the bus.
The Bus Driver leans over and says
"Hey guy I know how to get that nun
to have Sex with you..."
Naturally the Hippie asks, and the
Bus Dri...

What do little sisters love to ride?

A nissan.

A priest offered to give a nun a ride (in his vehicle)

A priest offered to give a nun a lift. She got in, and crossed her legs, forcing her gown up and revealing a bit of leg.

Out of shock, the priest nearly lost control of his vehicle, swerved aggressively, and managed to re-stabilize the car.

Once he was driving safely again, he stealth...

My boss rolled into work in a sweet new ride...

I said "Nice car, I'd kill to drive one of those!". He says "Well, if you set realistic goals, work hard and are determined I can get an even better one next year".

I kept trying to ride my bike but it wasn’t moving

It was two tired

An Italian tourist gets into a taxi and takes a ride.

Soon after they leave, the taxi gets overtaken by a Ferrari. The Italian says:

- Ferrari very fast, made in Italy.

Shortly after that, a Ducati overtakes them. The Italian says:

- Ducati very fast, made in Italy.

After they get to the destination, the fare meter shows an ...

A little boy goes on a train ride...(long)

A thought occurs to him, so he looks up at his Mom and says, "Mommy, if big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats and big people have little people, why don't big trains have little trains?" Well, Mom doesn't want to engage in a "birds and bees" lesson with junior, so she punts and re...

My brother isn’t going for a bike ride tomorrow because his brakes don’t work

That shouldn’t stop him.

A ride to Buckingham Palace

2015:
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They cont...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old pilot sat down in a coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee

An old pilot sat down in a coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuport...

I hate when people ride one accomplishment for their whole life and brag about it all the time

Like seriously, I don’t care if you went to the freaking Moon. Do something else with your life Buzz

The Stolen Horse

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the ...

Which Thrill Ride Does A Wine Glass Like To Go On The Most?

A Coaster

On her sixth birthday, Joe decided to get his daughter, Violet, a new bike and teach her to ride it.

The whole family - Joe, Joy, Violet, and Billy - piled into the family station wagon and went down to the local toy store to pick one out. On entering the store, Violet immediately honed in on the perfect bike - it had streamers, a pinwheel, a bell, and a kickstand. It even was colored violet - her ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia, he only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal....

If you send just $2.00, you get the video for it. It's fucking hilarious.

I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival

My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....

Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

If someone offers me a free air balloon ride

I’ll have to take them up in their offer

I’ll ride you like the Titanic

End prematurely and sea men going everywhere