There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

What does a prehistoric farmer ride in the fields?

A Velocitractor

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

Why can't Keanu Reeves ride a horse?

Everytime the horse moves, Keanu Reeves says "Woah."

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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A cowboy rides into town on a hot day

He ties his horse to the hitching post outside the saloon, then walks around behind the horse, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the asshole. Then he walks into the saloon, orders a whiskey and downs it.

The cowboy tips his hat to the bartender and walks back outside where he proceeds...

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

If a Stormtrooper offers to give you a ride in his car, you shouldn’t worry about ending up in a car accident

They have a stellar safety record, because they’ve never hit anything since the beginning of time

Why can't Billy ride a bike?

Because he's a fish.

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

What do you call someone who takes politicians for a ride?

Power steering

True Story. So my grandpa, my father and I were out on a car ride to the beach when I was 11.

I always loved riding with my grandpa because he told all of his war stories from serving in WWII, and as a kid they were always cool to hear.

We stopped at a stop sign, and a car with 3 asian kids pulled up behind us ( maybe 18/19 year olds) and immediately started blaring the horn. My gran...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is very particular about hiring rides.

I mean, why would he Uber when he could Lyft?

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

Him: why ride a roller coaster when you can ride me?

Her: because roller coasters actually make me scream

The producers of Pimp My Ride were on trial...

Included in the evidence was a photo from the set. Exhibit A: Xzbit's Exhibit.

Why can’t elephants ride bicycles?

Because they don’t have thumbs to ring the bell

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home

Iran

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says...

Where does rain go to get a ride.

The precipistation.

Four strangers find themselves chatting on a bus ride away from New York City

They talk for a while about who they are and why they’re leaving the city. There’s a loud and charming man looking for a new start away from the big city, a contortionist tired of all the hustle and bustle, a quiet girl who gave no explanation on her past, and a woman pregnant with triplets trying t...

I recently bought a bicycle that plays American music when you ride it

It's called a Gerschwinn

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

Five blondes go for a ride in one of their pickup trucks. One rides shotgun while the remaining three sit in the back.

While crossing a narrow bridge, the driver loses control and crashes into the river below. The driver and the front blonde quickly make it to the surface, while the three at the back only surface after a while.

Fuming, one screams, “I can’t believe you left us there! We almost couldn’t get th...

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

2 bikers going for a ride...

They decided to stop for a leak off the side of a bridge. As they're doing their business, one biker says "jeez, the water's cold". The other one says "jeez, the bottoms rough...".

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Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

I was walking along a road after my car broke down and a passing car stopped to ask if I needed a ride and why I was walking.

Piston broke I answered....Us too come on buddy get in.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

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A girl wants to go see a movie with her friends, but she doesn't have a ride.

So she goes to her dad and asks to borrow the car for the night. He says, "Sure, you can borrow the car, buy first you have to give me a blowjob." She whines and cries, but he doesn't budge.

Eventually, she relents and agrees to the task. She gives his dick an initial lick and says, "Ew! Dad...

2 reasons why I don’t take my girlfriend on rides in my Mercedes.

1. I don’t have a Mercedes.



2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

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A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoke...

What do you call a firebird without a ride home?

A Joaquin Phoenix

What do Cowboys get when they ride all-day

Rawhide

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

Redneck sits next to the silicon valley kid on the overnight train ride

Redneck really wants to sleep, but silicone valley kid won't shut up, describing the wonders of technology.

\- Nowadays I can find an answer to any question, no matter how hard, you just need to know how to use tech!

Redneck really wants to sleep. But the kid keeps showing his gadgets,...

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

What's the fastest ride at the carnival?

You would think it would be the roller coaster.

But really the carousel has the most horse power.

Why was the Ice cream truck ride bumpy?

Cause of the rocky road

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he did...

A little boy rides his red wagon down the hill in front of the preachers house.

There was a little boy around 8 or 9 that had a little red wagon. One day he mustered up the courage to ride it down the hill in front of his house past the preachers house. Well, he got in the wagon and started down the hill and halfway down a wheel falls off and he goes off the road in front of th...

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.

With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the...

I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

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A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

Th...

Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says "I haven't come this way before".
The other says "neither have I just hold on and enjoy it"

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A man decides to ride his horse into Montana.

So the man decides to quit his job, and ride his horse into Montana, now he just wanted to go to ride, just the feeling of being free, as did his horse, and they created a great inseparable bond. But one day they're caught by a group of native Americans and they seize the man and his horse. They dec...

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A man and a woman ride an elevator

A man gets on an elevator and encounters a woman. He looks at her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" She is stunned and responds, "No!" The man says, "Ah must be your feet then."

Where does Superman ride?

On Lois Lane.

Scribe is to Scribble as Ride is to...?

"Riddle?"

"Yes, can you solve it?"

A cowboy rides into a new town,

and stops at the first saloon he sees.

Walks in, and is surprised that the whole place is empty except for the bartender polishing some glasses.

So he asks, "Where is everyone?"

Barkeep looks up from his busy work and replies, "Well, probably at the hanging."

Cowboy asks,...

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes.

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

*long*Muslim Extremist rides a Cab...

Extremist: Can I ask you a question?
Driver: Sure.

Extremist: Did they have radio in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No

Extremist: So why do you have it on?
Driver: *Turns off radio*

Extremist: Did they have Air-conditioning in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No...

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A man rides through the desert on the back of a camel

After days of travel he starts to get horny and extremely pent up. So he gets the thought: "Might as well do it with my camel".
With that goal in mind, he grabs a shovel and starts piling up sand behind the camel so he could reach it, but every time he got on top of the pile, the camel walked out...

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[OC] What’s the most ironic amusement park ride?

The ferrous wheel.

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On the topic of tailpipe-fucking a car, how does one sodomize their ride?

Stick it in the gashole

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One day a hippie gets a ride on the public bus and sees a hot young nun.

He sits down next to her and
promptly asks if she would like to
have Sex, to which she immediately
says NO and walks off the bus.
The Bus Driver leans over and says
"Hey guy I know how to get that nun
to have Sex with you..."
Naturally the Hippie asks, and the
Bus Dri...

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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The amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my consent

When i found out, i was fluming!

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

What do little sisters love to ride?

A nissan.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a winter's day

They pull up outside the saloon and the Lone Ranger says, "I need to see a guy in there - you'll have to wait out here, it's against the law to let you in a place where liquor is sold".

Tonto scowls. "But it's freezing out here, *kemo sabe*!".

"I can't help that - the law's the law," s...

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can ...

(Long) Queen Guinevere is going for a late night carriage ride...

... when suddenly bandits attack her carriage. As King Arthur is not here, they kill the driver, kick her out and make off with the carriage itself. In her frustration she exclaims, "Oh, what a night!"


Seeing as there's nothing else to do, she begins to walk towards the castle. However, o...

What type of pet likes to ride in a car?

A carpet

A witch was going to take a friend's broom for a ride

But she couldn't drive a stick

What is the hardest part about learning to ride a bike?

The Pavement.

A priest offered to give a nun a ride (in his vehicle)

A priest offered to give a nun a lift. She got in, and crossed her legs, forcing her gown up and revealing a bit of leg.

Out of shock, the priest nearly lost control of his vehicle, swerved aggressively, and managed to re-stabilize the car.

Once he was driving safely again, he stealth...

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.

All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought ...

My boss rolled into work in a sweet new ride...

I said "Nice car, I'd kill to drive one of those!". He says "Well, if you set realistic goals, work hard and are determined I can get an even better one next year".

I kept trying to ride my bike but it wasn’t moving

It was two tired

A little boy goes on a train ride...(long)

A thought occurs to him, so he looks up at his Mom and says, "Mommy, if big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats and big people have little people, why don't big trains have little trains?" Well, Mom doesn't want to engage in a "birds and bees" lesson with junior, so she punts and re...

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