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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

My wife said she’d buy her next phone based on how bright the display is...

... but I think that’s just nit-picking

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

I saw an art display made out of steaks

It was a rare medium well done.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,

“Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts...

Rotating bezel? Personalized engraving? Date display?

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That...

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

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Car Repair at Walmart

A man and a woman had car trouble as they pulled into the Walmart parking lot. The man told his wife to go ahead and do the shopping and he would try to fix the car.

The wife finishes shopping after about 90 minutes and walks out to the parking lot. She sees a group of people gathered around ...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

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Little Johnny sees the condom display at the drug store



And he asks his dad, "Why is there a three pack?"

Dad says, "That's for when you're in high school, Johnny: two for Friday night, one for Saturday night."

Johnny says, "Ok. Well, what about the pack with six?"

Dad says "That's for when you're in college: two for Friday n...

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲'𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁... 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in...

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Arkansas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look ...

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

I ordered a new monitor, but the mail people ended up losing it.

It was a display-sment

A blind girl walks into a museum and stops at the King Tut display.

She grabs her seeing eye dog and starts swinging him over her head in a circle.
A man tackles her and they both fall to the floor.
Why the hell did you do that? she exclaims...I was just having a look around.

The floor number display in the elevator was malfunctioning.

It was wrong on so many levels.

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HOW I DEALT WITH A TELESALES CALL!

How I dealt with a telesales call recently. My landline rings with caller display showing 0800. as soon as I pick the phone up and before they speak,

"This is a secured government line, how have you got this number? Do not attempt to hang up and stay at your station while the call is traced. ...

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people can appreciate public displays of affection.

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The tale of the little red man.

One upon a time there was a little red man who lived in a little red house , on a little red street , in a little red city.

One little red morning the little red man awoke from his little red slumber , left his little red bed and went to take a little red shower - meanwhile outside the little...

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

He suffers a massive heart attack in his office and dies on the spot. He arrives (to his great surprise) at the gates of heaven.

A huge welcoming party is there waiting for him. Large welcome home banners are displayed and it looks like a proper affair indeed. Some of heaven’s most famous in...

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it.

It's a little plane.

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a...

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display.
''I have good news and bad news'' the owner replied.
''The good news is that a gentleman enquired if your paintings will increase in value after your death. When I told them they would, he ...

I have one of these (Long)

Little boy and little girl were playing in the sandbox when little boy gets an evil grin on his face and proudly displays his sand shovel to the little girl.

“I have one of these,” he exclaims, knowing she has no toys.

Little girl leaves the sandbox, running home crying.

She ret...

Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.

Surgeon 1: I just don't understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device - the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It's working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in tr...

My friend just collapsed into a display of golf clubs,

Paramedics are doing what they can but he’s not out of the woods yet.

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

A hiker walks into a bar

A hiker walks into a bar and the barkeeper greets him with "What are you drinking, sir?"

The hiker scans the range of whisky bottles on display and asks for a measure of an expensive Talisker. The barman pours the drink, which the hiker knocks back in one, and says, "That will be £9.50 please...

Mohel advertising

A man walking down the street noticed his watch had stopped working.

He looks around for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enters the store, to his surprise he does not see a display of clocks o...

Friar's Flower Shop

Two brothers, Joey and Jimmy Bagadonuts, owned a flower shop in a small town in New Jersey, and business was great. They were the only game in town, until one day, two friars moved in across the street and opened their own flower shop. Having higher quality flowers, as well as the religious aspect, ...

What's the difference between a circus and strip club?

One is a cunning display of stunts...

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

A monk dies and arrives at the pearly gates...

Allowed to enter, he notices a book prominently displayed behind Saint Peter. The monk asked what the book was. Saint Peter replied, "That's the bible as it was *supposed* to be written. The bible on Earth is close, but there are a few minor differences between the two."

"I was a biblical scr...

Two pieces of underwear are hanging on display in a lingerie shop. One turns to the other and says:

"I love you brah."

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A large procession of cruise ships heads out to sea.

A massive storm suddenly appeared soon after the boats departed. A ship's hull began to display large cracks, and water flooded the interior. Most of the passengers made it to the deck in time, and climbed frantically aboard the lifeboats as another cruise ship started to capsize, its panicked passe...

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale.

He gets closer and starts taking a look at the items on display when he sees this huge TV.

He walks up to the seller and asks him.

- "Hey how much does that TV cost?"

- "It's only 1 dollar."

- "Only ...

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order.

But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "

A man returned after a 3 week

business trip to Brasil. He was there during the 2016 Olympic Games, and bought lots of souvenirs for the whole family.

Night came and the kids went to bed. His wife asked what do you got in that last box? “Come here, come closer I’ll show you.” There were three medals, bronze, silver and go...

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

What's on display at the French War Museum?

Running shoes

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a c...

I remember this joke that my father told me when I was young and I only got it now

An artist asks the gallery owner if there’s been any interest in his paintings that are on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” says the owner.
“The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it w...

I had a job interview today, so I started with some sweeping, after which I displayed my twirling, then a little peek-a-boo, and I finished with a most vigorous flapping

I don't think they were impressed with my cape abilities.

Ukrainian mother-in-law joke

The morning after the wedding, the newlywed couple is sitting at the kitchen table when they are joined by the bride's mother. The husband, still slightly drunk from last night, decides that now is the proper time to display his manly authority.

He starts by calmly issuing his demands. "For b...

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One day a father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
"We have: Work Out Barbie , Shopping Barbie , Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie , Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Skater Barbie a...

The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my l...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

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A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

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A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

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A lady walks into Tiffany's

As she browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doe...

At a substance rehabilitation center, a sign is displayed on the lawn

"Keep off of the grass"

I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!?

Am I a kitchen or an exit?

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

How to Sell a Toothbrush

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied “It’s easy” and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.

He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chi...

Where does the White House keep the broken, old and dirty crockery that is not suitable for public display?

Trump's Cabinet.

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

A blonde lady drives a Ferrari on the motorway with 19 km/h

She’s pulled over and the police officer asks why she’s driving so slowly.

She says because A19 is displayed everywhere. To which the cop remarks that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.

Then he asks why the passenger looks so pale and unwell.

She responds: I have n...

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Why are portraits of George Washington displayed in British bathrooms?

Because nothing makes the British shit quicker than the sight of George Washington

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

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Johnny [NSFW]

A guy was watching the game. His wife storms the room and starts yelling at him how he had to go to the butcher’s to get some meat cuts.
Swearing through his teeth, the guy goes to the butcher. On the way there he hears a couple older ladies talking with a lot of grief in their voice how “Johnny...

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

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3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.

The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.

The second woma...

A hobbyist metalsmith was arrested for displaying his handmade pennies in public. What was he charged with?

Indie-cent exposure.

What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

Stockholm Syndrome.

I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket

I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".

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