UPJOKE
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Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits...

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my my advice and asked me what I thought. She asked if she should get an all in one or a bikini.

'Better get a bikini,' I replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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Why was a used tampon on display at the museum?

It was a period piece.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

Alligator Shoes. (Long)

A Blonde woman walked into a small Louisiana shoe store, and looked around at all of the footwear on display. After a few moments, a salesman walked over to her, and politely asked “Can I help you, ma’am?”

“Yes,” the blonde woman replied, “I’m interested in these alligator leather shoes.” Sh...

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The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted ...

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

One sunny day, 8-year old Théo and his 3-year-old sister Cele sat down at a table on the lanai of their rustic French manse, with some paper and colored pencils...

...Théo was showing Cele how to draw. Théo was drawing animals, flowers, clouds with lightning coming out of them, dinosaurs, race cars, whatever popped into his head. Cele was thoroughly entertained, and kept making requests:

"Bunny!"

"Croissant!

"Airplane!"

Finally, Thé...

Guy walks into a watch store

A guy walks in front of a watch store in a Jewish neighborhood, then he notices a watch on display that he likes, so he decides to go in and buy it.



Client: Hi, I noticed a watch outside in your storefront that I'd like to buy right now.

Seller: Sorry Sir, we don't sell any wat...

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

A guy at the local market had some wonderful vegetables on display. But when I checked, he said he wasn’t a farmer.. he simply bought the stuff from other farmers..

Turns out he was a shower, not a grower..

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

My best friend rewired an elevator in our building so it would always display the wrong floor...

I told him it was wrong on so many levels.

The store I worked at fired me for not putting enough variety on their soft drinks display.

Apparently I had too many lines of coke.

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

Have you seen the documentary from 2010 about the Pixar movie display case?

It holds Up.

I heard there's a pretty good Halloween display in the Los Angeles Harbor this year.

Everywhere you look is quite the freight.

I won a scentific reward today!

I actually made a helpful contribution to humanity! the scientific community has rewarded my work!


I can't wait to display this new "darwin award" I got!

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Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

Confidence

A mouse is taking a walk by a jungle clearing when he sees a distressed-looking cow elephant struggling and straining with something. He hurries over to see what the matter is, and the elephant spots him and says "Oh, help me, please! I've got my leg caught in this old rope and I can't get free"
...

A guy threatens to jump off the balcony of a penthouse bar

As the crowd gathers around, a regular sitting at the bar turns to the guy next to him and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.”

Lo and behold the man falls to his death, and the regular pays up.

The following day, the bar TV broadcasts the man who committed suicide on the news. The reg...

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

Joke for economics nerds

A physicist and an economist are invited to a classroom to make a presentation to get the children interested in their field of study. The physicist goes first.

He produces a ball and announces, “I will time this ball falling to the ground and, without looking at the stopwatch, tell you how l...

Amazed

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emo...

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

I’m a librarian so I put out a display of invisible books on April Fools day.

But my patrons saw right through it.

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news...

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

As a child, I was so immature. I'd spend any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then crash them and around like an idiot.

But now I've really matured.

I now any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then display them on my shelf

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hun...

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

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I jizzed all over my phone display today

Call that a screenshot.

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

My wife said she’d buy her next phone based on how bright the display is...

... but I think that’s just nit-picking

A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Wel...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

Rotating bezel? Personalized engraving? Date display?

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist, and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

Everyone in town loved old Roger.

He was a friendly and jovial man, always wearing a big smile and treating his customers like they were family.

Roger was a woodworker by trade, specializing in ornate picture frames. Everyone who knew him would agree that he was an expert in his field, perhaps even a gifted prodigy, and he ha...

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The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

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Little Johnny sees the condom display at the drug store



And he asks his dad, "Why is there a three pack?"

Dad says, "That's for when you're in high school, Johnny: two for Friday night, one for Saturday night."

Johnny says, "Ok. Well, what about the pack with six?"

Dad says "That's for when you're in college: two for Friday n...

A blind girl walks into a museum and stops at the King Tut display.

She grabs her seeing eye dog and starts swinging him over her head in a circle.
A man tackles her and they both fall to the floor.
Why the hell did you do that? she exclaims...I was just having a look around.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a c...

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

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Glory!

In an old part of town there's an establishment often visited by a certain kind of people.

In addition to numerous items on display, the purpose of which is unusual but well known to those who frequent the place, there are a number of small booths arranged in pairs, each pair sharing a commo...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it.

It's a little plane.

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order.

But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

My friend just collapsed into a display of golf clubs,

Paramedics are doing what they can but he’s not out of the woods yet.

What's on display at the French War Museum?

Running shoes

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

I had a job interview today, so I started with some sweeping, after which I displayed my twirling, then a little peek-a-boo, and I finished with a most vigorous flapping

I don't think they were impressed with my cape abilities.

At a substance rehabilitation center, a sign is displayed on the lawn

"Keep off of the grass"

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!?

Am I a kitchen or an exit?

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...

Where does the White House keep the broken, old and dirty crockery that is not suitable for public display?

Trump's Cabinet.

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

Second to None

When the Second Division set up shop in South Korea, it did so with its slogan proudly displayed at the front gate: "Second to None". A few months later, a South Korean base opened two miles down the road. The sign greeting visitors read "You are now entering the famed sector of the South Korean ROK...

A teenager is getting ready for a party.

She comes downstairs, and granny notices she’s wearing a white crop top, with no bra underneath.

Granny: You should really wear a bra under that!

Teen: Oh, come on gran. No one wears bras anymore! You’ve got to show off your rosebuds!

So the teen leaves for her party.
When sh...

I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket

I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".

What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

Stockholm Syndrome.

Briefing

Lloyd Austin is giving the President Joe Biden his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh, no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hand...

A hobbyist metalsmith was arrested for displaying his handmade pennies in public. What was he charged with?

Indie-cent exposure.

Display of courage in House of Leaves.

From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:

I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."

A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me m...

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

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Statue

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so...

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

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New Guy from Texas [Read till the end]

A middle-aged man from Texas moves to Australia and decides to get a temporary gig until his job placement is fixed. Luckily, not far from his residence there is one of those "one stop shop" stores, and he gets to be the cashier / salesman.

After the first day the boss came down to see how th...

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

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An old joke from my parents' home country

At the international dentist convention the dentists from Iraq were displaying their new extraction technique.

With this device you can remove teeth from a patients mouth by entering through the rectum and navigating through their digestive track to pull the tooth out.

A dentist in the...

Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians".

Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.

What do you tell your friends when you buy a graphics card to flex on them?

..It’s just for display.

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