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Display Jokes

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

An Australian was in London admiring suits displayed in a shop window...

To nobody in particular he said, "Ahh, there's the one I'd get!"

A split second later, a three foot tall cyclops ran up and punched him in the nuts.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

If you wanted to display data about well built furniture for horse houses, what would it be called?

A stable stable tables table.

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Why was a used tampon on display at the museum?

It was a period piece.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits...

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my my advice and asked me what I thought. She asked if she should get an all in one or a bikini.

'Better get a bikini,' I replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

Employee on NSFW Sites...

Boss: What have you been working on the last few hours?


Employee: A graphic display of convergent asynchronous load distribution.


Boss: The tracker flagged you on bukkake sites.


Employee: I stand by my previous statement.

Rotating bezel? Personalized engraving? Date display?

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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I jizzed all over my phone display today

Call that a screenshot.

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a c...

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

My best friend rewired an elevator in our building so it would always display the wrong floor...

I told him it was wrong on so many levels.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

Have you seen the documentary from 2010 about the Pixar movie display case?

It holds Up.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

I heard there's a pretty good Halloween display in the Los Angeles Harbor this year.

Everywhere you look is quite the freight.

The store I worked at fired me for not putting enough variety on their soft drinks display.

Apparently I had too many lines of coke.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

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Little Johnny sees the condom display at the drug store



And he asks his dad, "Why is there a three pack?"

Dad says, "That's for when you're in high school, Johnny: two for Friday night, one for Saturday night."

Johnny says, "Ok. Well, what about the pack with six?"

Dad says "That's for when you're in college: two for Friday n...

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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

What's on display at the French War Museum?

Running shoes

How do Scottish people describe a no display error?

nvidia

My friend just collapsed into a display of golf clubs,

Paramedics are doing what they can but he’s not out of the woods yet.

My wife said she’d buy her next phone based on how bright the display is...

... but I think that’s just nit-picking

A blind girl walks into a museum and stops at the King Tut display.

She grabs her seeing eye dog and starts swinging him over her head in a circle.
A man tackles her and they both fall to the floor.
Why the hell did you do that? she exclaims...I was just having a look around.

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news...

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

A guy at the local market had some wonderful vegetables on display. But when I checked, he said he wasn’t a farmer.. he simply bought the stuff from other farmers..

Turns out he was a shower, not a grower..

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Display of courage in House of Leaves.

From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:

I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."

A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me m...

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

Stockholm Syndrome.

At a substance rehabilitation center, a sign is displayed on the lawn

"Keep off of the grass"

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
...

So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it.

It's a little plane.

I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket

I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

After getting married the wife and I gradually stopped making public displays of affection...

... along with all other displays of affection.

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...

Why are the pyramids of Giza in Egypt

Because they are way too heavy to be carried to the British national museum for display

Where does the White House keep the broken, old and dirty crockery that is not suitable for public display?

Trump's Cabinet.

Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order.

But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "

A hobbyist metalsmith was arrested for displaying his handmade pennies in public. What was he charged with?

Indie-cent exposure.

I got slapped with a public indecency charge for using the toilet :/

Apparently the ones at IKEA are “for display only”

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

Guy walks into a watch store

A guy walks in front of a watch store in a Jewish neighborhood, then he notices a watch on display that he likes, so he decides to go in and buy it.



Client: Hi, I noticed a watch outside in your storefront that I'd like to buy right now.

Seller: Sorry Sir, we don't sell any wat...

I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!?

Am I a kitchen or an exit?

Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians".

Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a...

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

I had a job interview today, so I started with some sweeping, after which I displayed my twirling, then a little peek-a-boo, and I finished with a most vigorous flapping

I don't think they were impressed with my cape abilities.

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A Woman walks into a sex shop to buy a dildo

"I want that one.." She points to a massive display of dildos on the wall.


The manager picks up one of the best sellers: "This is one of our popular models. It feels very real."


She points back to the wall & says.."No. I want that one..." So, the manager picks up another on...

An alien couple are shopping to renovate their kitchen.

At the store they look at three main combinations of cabinetry and tops. One blue, one red, and the other green.



The husband excuses himself to use the restroom, but doesn't return for a while.



His wife begins to worry and goes looking for him.



She fin...

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A five year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his Mom

They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.

The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs ...

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

I won a scentific reward today!

I actually made a helpful contribution to humanity! the scientific community has rewarded my work!


I can't wait to display this new "darwin award" I got!

As a child, I was so immature. I'd spend any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then crash them and around like an idiot.

But now I've really matured.

I now any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then display them on my shelf

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist, and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

A couple is celebrating their 25th anniversary

They go to a beautiful, exotic resort by the sea. While the wife gets ready for dinner, the husband strolls down the beach when he trips over a lamp sticking out of the sand. The man rubs the lamp, and sure enough a genie appears.

After a couple of minutes of chatting, the genie proclaims, “...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

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Voodoo dick

A man is going on a business trip and he wants to buy his very attractive wife a vibrator to pleasure herself when he's away. He goes to a sex shop and asks the woman behind the counter to give him the best vibrator she has. The woman shows him some of the vibrators on display and says, "these are ...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

Amazed

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emo...

What do you tell your friends when you buy a graphics card to flex on them?

..It’s just for display.

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

How are my dog and my wife similar?

They're both only interested in coming near me when there's meat on display

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