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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

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I was walking through a cemetery early one day and saw a man crouched behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "Nope, just taking a shit."

Sometimes I crouch, put my arms around my knees and leaning forward.

Some people may not like it.

But that’s how I roll.

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

Why did Barty Crouch Jr stop drinking ?

It was making him moody

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”


“Do I need to repeat myself?

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

I crouch down, tuck my head.

That’s how I roll.

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

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Little red riding hood was walking down a forest path.

As she was walking she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a tree.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!" So the big bad wolf runs away.

Further down the path, she sees the big bad wolf again, crouched behind a bush.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!"

Again, the big ...

Why is a man crouching in the store?

Searching for low prices

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those dr...

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NSFW - Sammy the journeyman NFL player

Sammy was your less than average NFL player. He always managed to land on a roster, but in 13 years had never felt the glory of playing on Sunday. Every game he'd put on his gear, smear his cheeks with eye-black, don his helmet and rush onto the field with his teammates. But play after play, game...

Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and dau...

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

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Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

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I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
“What’s wrong?” Says one boy.
“My mom...

A priest is walking down the street one day

when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, w...

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road

... when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away further down the road.

Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. "My what big ears ...

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Three guys are sitting around the campfire...

...exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says t...

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Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

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[NSFW] She gives head and sings at the same time

A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.

After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to...

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"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"

Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked.


"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"


The Egyptian looked at him, reache...

Isaac newton, pascal, and Einstein are playing hide and seek.

They decide that Einstein is to count. He closes his eyes and slowly starts to count to ten. Pascal immediately takes off and hides behind a tree. Sir Isaac Newton calmly crouches down and draws a 1*1 meter square on the ground, and then steps onto it.

When Einstein finishes counting, he imme...

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A man walks into a bar

Goes to the bartender and gets asked
"What can I get you sir?"
"Nothin special, just some vodka thanks"
"Rough day?"
"Just my ex, she's being a cunt on FB"
"What'd she do?"
"Well Rhi decided that she wanted to shit talk me and make posts saying how horrible I was"
"Oh man I feel...

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Three blondes were walking through the woods

Three blondes were walking through the woods after a snowfall. They come across some tracks and stopped to inspect them. The first woman walks up to them and crouches to get a better look.
"These are definitely raccoon tracks," she says. "I'd bet my life on it." The other two look at them skept...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

Under the water, a fish is sizing up the fly. "If that fly would just drop six inches, I could eat it," it thinks.
On the shore of the lake, a bear is eyeing the fish. "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will go for it, and I can catch the fish while it's distracted."
On top of a nearby hi...

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Moral of the story

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly."

Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then...

Can't you just UNDERSTAND!?

Little billy was bored so he was playing under the table in the kitchen with his toys to pass the time. His mom who was cooking and noticed him under the table shouted "Billy get out from under the table right now!" Little billy was confused and asked his mom " what does under mean?" She answered "i...

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator...

Everyone freaks out. The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring an alligator in here!"

The guy says "Relax: this is the nicest, most well-behaved gator ever. Watch this."

The guy gently reaches to open the gator's mouth, and the gator lets him. The guy even pushes for the gator to open i...

if I elope with him?.....

We family are watching a TV episode, seeing the female protagonist elopes with the male protagonist, my sister ingests potato chips and asks,

"Mom, what will you do if I elope with someone?"

Glancing at the eating and crouching in the couch daughter, mom says,

"Once you go out,...

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A fly flew down 6 inches to get a drink of water...

A fish in the water sees the fly and thinks all he has to do is fly down 6 inches to get a drink of water so I can eat the fly...

A bear on the side of the river sees the fish and thinks all that fly has to do is drop 6 inches to get a drink of water so the fish can get the fly and the bear c...

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I walked into an elevator today...

and there was a middle aged man in there, crouching down, holding a white stick and wearing dark glasses.

After saying hello to him, there was an awkward silence between us and I was faced with a very awkward situation.

Should I help him? Will he be offended if I try to help him? Shou...

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So these two guys get stranded in the desert...

So these two guys get stranded in the desert, their car is broken down, they are out of water and help is no where in sight... Except for a shack in the distance. So the two make their way to the shack and knock. An old, ugly, wrinkly, greasy woman answers the door. It smells like she hasn't showere...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool of water.

Bob.

What do you call a man mounted on a wall?
Art.

What do you call one man crouched between another man's legs?
Peter.

What do you call a man in a hole?
Phil.

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So there was a mighty hunter...(long but worth it)

Who went out hunting one day. The hunter comes upon a field and spies a massive grizzly bear. So he crouches down with his rifle, lines it up just right and Ka-boom! After the shot rings out, he can't see the bear. He looks around left and right until he feel a tap on his shoulder.
It's the b...

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A bear and a rabbit are in the woods...

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, crouching by two trees, using the restroom.

A few minutes go by in silence until the bear leans toward the rabbit.

"Hey, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The bear asks

"What? No! Leave me alone I'm trying to use the res...

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A Blonde Joke

A blonde woman and her dad decided to take a trip to Egypt for their vacation. A few hours into the hike in the desert, the blonde realizes she's lost her dad. Thinking she can easily call him, the woman checks her cellphone. Unfortunately there's no signal.

However, she sees in a distan...

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:

"Morning!"

The elderly man replies:

"Oh no, just taking a dump."

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Little Red Riding Hood

was walking down a path in the forest, when she comes across the big bad wolf crouched behind a log. "oh Mr. Wolf what big eyes you have" she said. The big bad wolf jumped up and ran away. She shrugged and continued on her way. A little while later she came across him again this time crouched behind...

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A fly on the river (bit lengthy, bit racy)

First post here. This is the only joke I know...bear with me as its a bit lengthy.

There was a fly buzzing along a river near the shore, exactly 3 inches above the water. It was preparing to descend onto the surface of the river when a fish happened to notice it. The fish thinks to itself, "...

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An alcoholic, a womanizer and a pot head die and go to hell.

Satan has a room of punishment for each one.

Satan meets the alcoholic and opens his torment room full of alcohol. After a 100 years he opens the room and the alcoholic runs out screaming that he is sober.

Satan shows the room to the womanizer full of naked women and casts him in. Af...

Two boys are having a competition.

They have made a bet to see who could fart the hardest. To settle the bet, they have a pan filled with flour and leveled. Whoever can displace the most flour wins.

The first boy crouches over the pan and lets one rip. When the flour settles, they see the pan has only half the flour as it did...

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An American, a Japanese and a Russian scientist are chilling in the park

Suddenly, the American just starts talking about a seemingly random topic that had nothing to do with their conversation. After a few minutes, he turns towards the Japanese and the Russian and says:

'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in the US. It was my wife calling me. See, I hav...

Little Red Riding Hood is hopping along merrily in the woods...

... when she sees the big bad wolf crouching behind a bush. She says "My, Mr Wolf, what big ears you have!"

The big bad wolf gets up and runs away.

A few minutes later, it's the big, bad wolf again, crouched behind a different bush. "My, Mr wolf, what big eyes you have!"

The ...

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Advices?

Hey guys so since couple of weeks I think that my girlfriend is cheating on me. So last night I followed her. She took a cab I took my car and followed her till the cab stopped in front of one nice house. I went beside my car and crouched. She went out and there was this sport dressed bastard which ...

A tiger goes to the gym...

... wearing women's underwear underneath his workout clothes.

When he does squats does that make him a crouching tiger with hidden drag on?

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In a parallel universe the world is ruled by a fascist government.

Every year the Supreme Dictator is entertained on his birthday by way of a grand concert performed by the Great Orchestra.

On the 50th birthday of the Supreme Dictator the Great Orchestra's performance is being guided by a new and young music director by the name of Saba Saging.

The wh...

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What's the Moral of the story?

Picture a tranquil pond and in this pond there’s a small fish swimming just under the water and he spots a fly hovering above the water and thinks to himself if that fly were to drop just 6 inches I would be able to jump up and get him. So the fish went about his business keeping an eye on the fly.<...

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The Five-Kick Method (long)

A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot ...

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The Gorilla Hunter

An avid big game hunter decided to book a trip to the Congo in order to hunt Gorillas. He had never been to the Congo so upon arrival he asked several locals who the best guide for hunting Gorillas would be. Everyone told him to find a man named Joffe as he was an expert in hunting gorillas. Soon th...

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Bills wife asks him to take her brother bob hunting with him

But bill knows bob has narcolepsy, but he does it anyway. Well bill takes bob out to the place where they will be hunting, he hands bob his rifle and tells him you go to the top of that hill and I'll go to the top of this hill. If you shoot and kill a deer I'll help you bring it out, and if I kill a...

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The Devon Farmer

A Devon farmer is out walking his land one evening and sees a smartly dressed man crouching down by a stream, about to take a drink.

"ERE, ee dun wanna be doin at - tis full o arse piss and cow shite" says the farmer in his broad west country accent.

"I'm terribly sorry but I've just m...

Two statisticians go deer hunting...

they are out all day long when finally they spot a 5 point buck. They simultaneously crouch down silently, take aim, and shoot. The first statistician fires 20 feet to the left of the deer. The second statistician fires 20 feet to the right of the deer. In unison, they both shout out "got it"!...

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A vacuum salesman goes door to door...

A vacuum salesman is going door-to-door in the middle of the day. He knocks on a door in a quiet neighbourhood and a little boy, about five years old, answers. The vacuum salesman looks down at the boy and notices a lit cigar in the boy's mouth. In one hand, the boy is holding a glass of brandy. The...

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A Real Woman

A flight going from Canada to Germany, suddenly had it's engine fail.The Pilot, realizing they wouldn't be able to survive the impact, told everyone to brace themselves for the upcoming crash.

A woman stood up, and said "I'm not gonna die like this, afraid and crouching. Is anyone here man en...

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A barnyard parable...

A young bird left late on his first southern migration and was caught in an early freezing rain causing him to land in a barnyard, unable to fly and freezing to death.

As he crouched there shivering and freezing to death, by chance the last of the farmer's cows plopped a load of manure on the...

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Two guys are camping

Two guys are camping. Guy 1 has to shit so he goes out in the woods to do his stuff. While crouched over, a poisonous snake comes up & bites him on his dick. Guy 1 calls out & asks his buddy what to do.
Guy 2 pulls out his smart phone & Googles 'snake bite'.
Online he reads that i...

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