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Babysit Jokes

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

I’m so tired of babysitting my mom’s grandkids

Disclosure: Yes they’re mine but they like her more

How does a black person babysit the white neighbor kid?

He Puts him in the cupboard with the rest of the crackers.

So a girl is stuck babysitting her little brother...

When she finally gets him to bed on the bottom bunk of his bunk-bed, she decides to invite her boyfriend over so that they can have a little fun together. To avoid her parents walking in on her, she takes her boyfriend and they get up on the top bunk of her little brothers bed, being careful to not ...

A CEO of a company called his secretary (his married mistress) and told her that he wants to go on a trip with her this weekend so they can have some fun

and that she can tell her husband it’s a work trip, so she agreed.

She called her husband and told him that she has a work trip so she won’t spend this weekend with him, he understood.

her husband called his mistress and told her that his wife is out this weekend so she should come bec...

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I knew babysitting my neighbor's son was gonna be a challenge...

The first time I went to babysit, I tripped on the doormat, spilled my coffee, and yelled 'son of a bitch!'

Then the kid poked his head out of his room, and said 'did somebody call?'

My dad was babysitting my two children, so I called him later to ask how it was going.

Me: "What did they have for dinner?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "What about Clark?"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "Ok ... So what time did they go to bed?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"<...

A joke from the 6-year old my girlfriend babysits...

They are watching TV, and this conversation happens...

GF: "It's cold, I'm freezing in here."

KID: "Let me guess. Your house is much hotter."

GF: "No, actually it's much colder because my roommate doesn't want to put the heat on."

KID: "So why don't you just put it on?...

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

A dude shops for a parrot

He’s stepping into a bird store and goes straight to a manager. Listen, he says, it’s a really special occasion and I’m looking for something extraordinary, money is not an issue. Oh, I have just a thing for you, says manager and leads him to a back room. There he shows three parrots and goes, the f...

I don't get anti-vaxxers.

If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

Things you should never ask Drax the Destroyer to do for you.

Babysit

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

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Dating 101

Heres what you do:

1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got fired for having sexual relations with my client

It's alright, I didn't like babysitting anyway.

What's the difference between your child and your husband?

At least you can leave your child alone with the babysit

So I got fired from my first job today...

I guess you can't make out with customers.
Babysitting was boring anyway.

Teacher's pet

A boy was once given the task of babysitting his teacher's pet dog for a day. He was careless and the dog ran out the door when he wasn't looking. He tried searching all over town but he couldn't find the dog anywhere. He then thought of a plan. His teacher was old and losing the sharpness of most o...

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend...

.....some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

A man decides to sell his Jeep Wrangler

Because his friends keep giving him a hard time about the car saying it’s a vehicle made for teenage girls, the Jeep owner decided to go ahead and sell it.

One of the man’s friends felt pretty bad about it and decided to help him out, telling the owner that he would drive it around with the ...

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

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