UPJOKE

Sitting On The Toilet Jokes

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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

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Two flies were sitting on the toilet.

One got pissed off.

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

Sitting on the toilet..

this morning I was reminded of my first divorce.

At first I thought it was going to be a clean break, but then it got messy and involved lots of paperwork

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I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts.

Yes. This is a shitpost.

Women complain about men sitting on the toilet too long.

What kind of king doesn't sit on his throne?



P.s. sorry if this is unoriginal. It sounds too good to not be taken.

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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
...

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

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It’s shitty to be dealt cards when sitting on the toilet

Fortunately, I had a straight flush.

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What did constipated man say, sitting on the toilet?

Im getting too old for this shit.

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Whenever I'm sitting on the toilet and it's taking a while, I always tell myself

Hurry up, I got other shit to get done

I like thinking about how to solve mysteries while I'm sitting on the toilet

I'm de-deucing

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Whenever you’re sitting on the toilet all alone in silence, do you ever think something is crawling up the pipes into the toilet bowl and then is going to suddenly slither up into your butthole?

Well, you will now. You’re welcome!

A guy is sitting on the toilet and drops a 5 dollar bill in the now sludge-like water.

He looks at it and says
"Awe man, that's disgusting, I'm not going to stick my hand in that for 5 dollars!"
Then he takes out his wallet, pulls a twenty dollar bill out, and throws it in the bowl.
"But for 25 dollars I will!"

that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in...

and your pants are up.

All the animals in the forest decided to be eco-friendly...

...and they built a public restroom. Then one day, the window of the restroom was broken. So all the animals got together in a public meeting. The wise owl who chaired the meeting asked who broke it. The little bunny raised his hand, and explained: "You see, I was sitting on the toilet, when from th...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

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Late Night

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. ...

The bathroom where I work is so small.

I can easily reach the sink whilst sitting on the toilet. In fact, I save precious time by washing my hands at the same time as taking a dump, leaving me free to simply wipe and get straight back to work in the kitchen

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I like my coffee like I like my men.

Sweet and delicious and makes me feel awesome at first but then I feel like shit and end up sitting on the toilet regretting my life choices.

Husband arguing with wife

This husband was complaining to a buddy that him and his wife were arguing and he hadn’t been home in a few days. His buddy told him what he does when he argued with his wife was to sneak into the house, lift the bottom of the sheets to the bed, and slide up until he was in between his wife’s legs a...

You gotta work from top to bottom!

Certainly the order of operations is important in math, but it's even more important when blowing your nose while sitting on the toilet.

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A young boy comes home after school...

He walks into the living room and nobody's there. So, he heads up to his bedroom. On the way, he passes by his parents' room and, hearing a commotion, opens the door. He sees his father on top of his mother humping away.

"What are you guys doing?" he asks.

After a moment of stunned sil...

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A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

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Boilermaker

An old Boilermaker returns home after the late shift and decides to treat his wife to a surprise. So he sneaks into the bedroom, crawls up the foot of the bed, and proceeds to lick his wife's pussy until she has a thunderous orgasm. after he has completed his duties he goes to the bathroom to wash h...

One day little Timmy was taking a bath...

And his Mom decided to check up on him,
"How are you doing in there Timmy?"
"Fine mom! I'm just blowing bubbles!"
"Ok then" And his mom walks away,
A while later she goes to check up on him again and knocks the door,
"Are you done with your bath yet?"
"Yes mom'
"Can ...

Oh well...

A man is concerned about the state of his marriage. He decides to spice things up, he leaves work early and comes home to find his wife, under the covers in bed napping. Without waking her up, he slides under the blanket and goes down on her. She starts moaning, squirming, and finally finishes. He g...

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A husband wants to please his wife...

A husband was sitting at the bar talking to the bartender.

"I really want to please my wife, but after years of marriage I'm just not attracted to her anymore. I'm still in love with her, but it's tough to have sex with her."

The bartender replies, "Get as drunk as you can, then take a...

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little johnny has the runs

Little Johnny is sitting on the toilet in obvious distress when his mom calls through the door "How are you doing?"

Johnny answers, "Not so well, mom, I think I need some Viagra"

His mother is astounded at this response and asks him "What do you mean, 'you need some Viagra'...

Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.

He tried to go to th...

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