UPJOKE
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I lost an argument about my posture

I stand corrected

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help with my posture,

but I stand corrected.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it’s going to be me.

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A dying man's last wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

You can tell a lot about an Introvert by his handwriting, posture and favorite movie

About an extrovert, you can tell everything by his constantly non-closing mouth...

My friends and I started a band making music about good posture.

We're called the Backstraight boys.

I bet my doctor he couldn’t help me fix my posture problems…

I stand corrected

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with my posture

but I have a hunch

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

I've got bad posture so what?

Get off my back.

I'm not exactly sure why my posture is so bad but I have a hunch.

I was skeptical when my chiropractor said she could fix it but I stand corrected.

I think the world would be a better place if everyone stopped worrying about good posture...

It's just a hunch.

Today I made an in depth presentation about ground breaking research on bad effects of the two legged posture in humans

It was well received. In fact they even gave me a standing ovation.

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This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

Did you hear about the man that didn't think his posture could be fixed?

He stood corrected.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

How is it I'm so much more famous a ballerina than I thought?

I get compliments on my routines, my form, my posture... everything. But I find it particularly ridiculous that even when I receive *bills* the companies feel the need to highlight my outstanding balance. Like... come on, you don't even *know* me!

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.”

The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look ...

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

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Two strangers bump into each other

The one guy says to the other guy: "Oh sorry dude, I'm in a hurry since I lost my girlfriend in this huge supermarket."

"That's no problem man," says the other guy. "But I can't find my girlfriend neither!"

"Oh really? How does she look like?" asks the one guy.

The other guy say...

A man argued with his wife over whether or not he stood with a hunch

For months he maintained that his posture was fine. Finally, to prove her wrong, he made an appointment with a posture specialist.

When he returned, his wife asked if the specialist agreed with her and helped him.

He replied, “I stand corrected.”

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

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Stormy Seas Ahead

Officer Lanvin was saying his goodbyes to his family because his vessel, the HMCS Beauregard was taking to the ocean for a 6 month long mission.

Through teary eyes, he waved to his family, uncertain about the future, wanting to cherish the view of them waving to him because it would be so lon...

A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.

"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.

"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

A cannibal is teaching his son how to hunt ...

Hiding on top of a tree by a busy trail, the father and son are sizing up their potential meals. The son was always eager to jump whenever someone walks by, but always the patient father held him back for various reasons : too many ppl in a group. Too strong a target. Too risky etc.

Finally ...

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Three construction workers are building a brick wall in the middle of a swamp.

During a break, the first man, Joe, says, "Let's have a brick throwing competition. Whoever can throw his brick the highest wins!"

"That sounds like fun; I'm in!" Replied the second man, Tom.

"But how will we measure who's goes the highest?" inquired Jim, the third man.

"Simple,...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

The King's Headache

A King is sitting in his throne complaining of a headache.

"This chair was built poorly, it disrupts my posture and causes headaches."

The squire asks, "What shall we do my Lord?"

The King says, "There is a region known as Fenn, the artisans there build the finest chairs in t...

A doctor was fixing his grammar on medical bills when he noticed something random.

a posture fee.

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Old man and woman sitting in a nursing home

So these two older folks are sitting in their nursing home playing a game of checkers. Nothing interesting is happening until the old man remembers something, perks up and says to the woman: "Hey, guess what?"

"What" says the woman with a wry smile

"Today is my birthday!!" the old man ...

My friends keep calling me the hunchback of Notre Dame

Its not about my posture though, it's cuz my house burned down.

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You're going to need more of that confidence now.

A rich CEO flies his private jet across the country to get an appointment with the best gynecologist in the business.

"Doctor," he says, "I'm not happy with the state of my sex life, and I want to you to castrate me today."

The doctor is shocked and asks, "Oh my... Okay, have you thoug...

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