The 60+ Best Lounge Jokes

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans acros...

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Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says,” You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.“

“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute,” Uhm…I…er…”

Obviously having a senior moment he says,” What’s that flower...

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Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…

The younger one says “I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh”

The older one replies and says “I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said ’you ruined my life you drunken bastard’”

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.

I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

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Two dogs are sitting in the lounge room

Dog 1 - heard a good joke yesterday.

Dog 2 - oh yeah?

Dog 1 - knock kn...

Dog 2 *goes fucking nuts*

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Blonde girl painting her lounge.

Her friend walks in and can't believe how well she is doing, but she is sweating buckets, Friend says to her why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker!?

Blonde says "helloooooooo" read the fucking tin, it says, for best results put two coats on.

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

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A Woman is sitting in the lounge watching TV

Suddenly, she starts shouting "Don't you dare enter that fucking church, don't do it"

Husband walks in and asks the woman what she's watching

Wife replies: "Our wedding video"

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A lounge owner is looking for a new pianist...

A man comes in to audition for the owner. He asks, "Is it alright if I play an original piece?"

The owner says, "That's fine. Begin whenever you're ready."

The man plays a beautiful score. The owner is so moved and overcome with emotion he can barely contain himself. When the pianist f...

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A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around t...

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My wife walked into the lounge after she heard me grunting.

She looked at me on the floor, sweating, with baubles around me. "Why the fuck are you wrestling with our Christmas tree?" she asked.

I said, "Because you told me to take it down."

An old man is put into a nursing home by his daughter...

He sits in the common lounge room and leans to the left.

A nurse aide runs over and stops him from falling from his chair and straitens him up.

A few minutes later He starts leaning to the right - but again a nurse aide runs over and straitens him up.

Later, his daughter calls i...

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The kids don’t know the difference between castration and a vasectomy.

True story:

Fellow teacher in the lounge during lunch: “They have no knowledge of basic human anatomy. They thought that getting a vasectomy meant having your balls chopped off.”

Me: “When it comes to the difference between castration and a vasectomy, there is a vas deferens.”

T...

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A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

Wifi password

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What’s the WiFi password?"

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molso...

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Two guys sitting in an airport lounge

The first guy laments how he totally embarrassed himself earlier that day. "I was flying into Pittsburgh and when I went to the ticket counter, I couldn't stop looking at the prodigious bosom of the ticket lady. What I meant to say was 'I need a ticket to Pittsburgh....what came out was 'I need a ti...

Swaggering Kid

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

Sure, when Aphrodite lounges naked on a clamshell she's "a goddess,"

But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium"!

Anyone have any more of these? Or the name of the type of joke they are so I can find any more?

Well, Since You Ask

A politician was visited a nursing home while campaigning. He met an old lady in the lounge area and found that she was 105 years old. “Well that’s remarkable!” he said to her. “You look beautiful and so healthy. Have you ever been bedridden?”

She blushed and replied, “Oh, my yes! Many...

My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

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3 girls meet up at a cafe after a huge night out

First Girl says: "OMG, I was so drunk last night, I got home and blew chunks in the lounge."

Second Girl: "That's nothing, I fell asleep with a smoke and burnt a huge hole in my carpet."

Third Girl: "That's nothing, I ran out of money and was so drunk that I fucked the taxi driver to p...

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A guy walks into a lounge on the top floor of a hotel ...

... sits next to a local, and orders a drink. The local says "Never seen you around here before - you staying at the hotel?"

"Yes, just here for a couple of days on business."

"Ah, so you don't know about this hotel on windy days like this do you?" the local said.

"Gee, no. What...

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

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I was at the departure lounge at Heathrow Airport when a tourist said to me - "You know what? This England country has to be the asshole of Europe"...

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A guy walks into the kitchen

and says to his wife "Why are those defective condoms laying on the couch" Worried, she rushes into the lounge and comes back and says "That is not what we call the children"

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home.

The family bought Grandpa Joe in on his wheelchair.

A kind young nurse met them. "Welcome to our nursing home! Let me show you around!" She said in a friendly tone, as she took the wheelchair.

She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. "This is the lounge. Y...

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An SEO expert walks into a bar

BARS, TAVERN, TAVERNS, LOUNGE, NIGHT CLUB, MINI BAR, PUB, BEER, GARDEN BEER, WINE, WHISKEY, COCKTAILS

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

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The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual formal dinner party. After much pleading, I was finally able to convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.

One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mo...

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A man went to pick up his date...

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He f...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

The broken light

Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.

An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.

"This i...

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The Tourettes Pianist.

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and ...

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One baaaaaaad mistake

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call...

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

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The out of work Piano Player.

There's a piano player who's out of work, so he goes to a classy lounge to find a gig. He locates the manager, tells him his circumstance and the manager agrees to hear him play. The pianist sits down at the piano and begins to produce the most wonderful music the manager has ever heard. It fills hi...

What is your next travel destination?

- Las Kitchenas
- Los Lounges
- Santa Bedroomes
- Porto Gardenas
- Los bed
- Costa Del Balconia
- La Rotonda De Sofa
- Casa de Toilette

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

Dress Code

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his t...

A guy goes to the ENT Doctor and says:

"Listen doc, my wife is slowly becoming deaf. What should I do? How can I cure her?"
The doctor answers: "Well, take her to me and I'll see what I can do."
But the guy says: "No, I don't want to."
The doctor is surprised and says: "Why? How can I make a diagnose without seeing her?" ...

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Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually j...

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A man comes home from the bar...

A man comes home from the bar after quite a few drinks, holding a duck under his arm. He stumbles into the lounge room where his wife is sitting and says "This is the pig I've been fucking."

His wife replies "That's not a pig. It's a duck."

To which he responds "I was talking to the du...

It's Obvious...

So two mathematicians meet in the corridor of their building and one asks the other "so what are you working on?" The second mathematician replies "I've been working on this interesting proof, come into the lounge and I'll show you".

The two go into the faculty lounge and the guy starts to wo...

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My grandfather was a WWII vet...

He said he went to Paris back in the day, and went into this lounge called "Les Jardin Rois" got drunk and pissed on the bar, banged all the waitresses, beat up the bouncer and threw a chair through the front window.
Naturally, I went there on vacation one year and tried the same shit, got my a...

A nurse died and arrived before St. Peter

He explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."

"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.

"That's easy," said St. Peter, "You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."

With th...

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A Rabbi, a monk, and a Catholic Priest are on a...

cruise ship having a nice vacation. They're chatting on the lounge deck when suddenly the ship strikes a reef and begins sinking.

Everybody is running around panicking and people are screaming. The Monk exclaims, "Quick, we must save the children!"

The Rabbi yells, "Fuck the children...

A Tale of Two Fleas

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wra...

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Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator

A woman goes to a lounge in France, where she is approached by a tall, well-dressed, dashing man.

"I am Francois Francois, ze Great French Aviator," he says, "and I want to make love to you."

"Yes," the woman replies, "take me to your apartment."

At Francois' apartment, the two ...

THE TEXT MESSAGE

THE TEXT MESSAGE .
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.
I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up
the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live...

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Bob and Francis lived in a retirement home together...

They had quite a bond and would frequently hang out and spend time with each other. One of their favorite things to do would be to go out on the patio at night, gaze at the stares and reminisce on the good times.

One night when they were on the patio Bob asked Francis if she would hold his p...

"It's a-Comin" Muslims...

Subject: It's a comin'

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in
Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a
cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a
fun...

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