My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

Why can’t you have more than 99 people listen to toto’s Africa at once?

Its something that 100 men or more could never do

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

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What do you you call grammar nazis who listen to Radiohead?

The Comma Police

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.

Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

What song would like to listen to?

- Mozart in A Minor

- you're gonna have to be more specific

- Mozart in *D* minor

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her

Or something like that

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

Why should you never listen to atoms?

Because they make up everything.

My wife says I don’t listen to what she is saying

...or something like that !

Look at all these millennials listening to pop and rap.

But none of them know what to do with a drunken sailor.

I made my girlfriend listen to shape of you

She didn't like it so sheeran away

Nobody wants to listen to Whitesnake with me...

So here I go again on my own

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd ...

... they've left those kids a loan.

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Listen darlin', I'm not horny

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my...

Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

How is sleeping with a woman similar to listening to her talk about her problems?

Chances are she won’t finish...

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Those be calm and listen to rain apps are terrible....

I just put the Amazon rainforest on and I thought the fucking house was on fire.

What do Mummies like listening to on Halloween?

Wrap Music

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

I listened to a cover of "Pony" the other day.

It was good and all, but it just wasn't Genuwine.

"You know, it's times like this I wished I had listened to what my mother has always told me."

"What did she say?"



"I don't know, I wasn't listening."

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

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I dated a girl who only liked to have sex listening to gospel music.

It brought a new meaning to the term "coming to Jesus."

And just when I thought I was done.. I would rise three days later.

Listen ladies, if a man tells you he's gonna do something, it'll get done.

There's no need to nag him about it every 6 months.

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Uhm, hey ... so i got this real big problem with a good friend of mine, listen.

This guy is extremly pissed about me, because i sniffed at his sister's underpanties. I don't know if it's because she was still wearing them or her parents were present.... Dude, i tell ya... strange funeral."

I was telling jokes about trees, but everyone who listens to me

Arbored.

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume I’m in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

“Doctor, I keep having terrible flashbacks when I listen to Korean pop music.”

“Thats a clear case of BTS-D.”

A man says he can detect HIV just by listening To it

He calls the Programm "Hearing Aids"

If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear

"Aww nuts!"


(its name is probably Carl)

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

My wife says I never listen to her...

Or at least I assume she does, anyway.

My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?”

What a weird way to start a conversation!

Listen up McDonald's employees!

If someone in the drive-thru ever says the is your refrigerator running-joke, just tell them that you don't need to catch it because you placed it on a treadmill :)

Enjoy!

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. "Please, can we just talk about it first?" I begged. "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and continued, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

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[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

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Sex with me is like listening to Kid Cudi

Its over too soon, and you think you might have felt something.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

Which country listens to the most Bob Marley?

Yemen.

How does a kings son listen to music?

Heirpods

What do groups of whales listen to together?

*pod*-casts

I really should have listened to my father

I didn't know it was his final concert.

"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, t...

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

My neighbours listen to some really good music

Whether they like it or not.

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever.

It's all water under the bridge now.

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

I used to listen to the band Staind all the time...

But...its been a while

When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some...

My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

I listened to a song about the common cold...

It's very catchy.

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

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I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

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