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Ottoman Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the ottoman's opinion about Vlad the Impaler?

He was a big pain in the ass.

What was the Ottoman Empire's main export?

Sultan pepper

Why did the Ottoman Empire change into Turkey

Because Austria wasn’t Hungary anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

During a war with the Ottoman Empire, the Habsburg army lost thousands of men in the battle of Karánsebes, and was forced to flee from the battlefield.

Then the Ottomans arrived.

How do you call a female in Ottoman?

Ottoweman

An ottoman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve ottomans in here”, and the ottoman says...

“Well, you oughta, man!”

Ottoman Ruler Declares War!

As a man with his four sons work at the farm, a horseman appears. Comes close to the father and says, our great leader has declared war, your oldest son must be conscripted. Takes the boy and leaves. Time passes, the horseman appears again. Announces the war, takes the oldest son leaves. Now only th...

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

What did the Ottoman General say to the Sultan after the Battle of Vienna?

"Sir, we must retreat! We're Otto-men!"

I want to open a shop that sells nothing but footstools.

I’ll call it… The Ottoman Empire

…

…I’ll see myself out.

The Ottoman Empire...

Really loved to put their feet up.

(such a bad bad joke)

What is it called when a large group of footstools overtakes a country?

Expansion of the Ottoman Empire.

If an anime was based around the Ottoman Empire...

It would be a literal Harem anime.

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

What do you call a Turkish cab driver?

An Ottoman.

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

A wealthy Saudi man comes home one day and finds his two wives fighting about which one he loves more.

As he tries to reassure both of them that he cares for them equally, one asks “if we were all out on your yacht and it started sinking, and you could only save one of us, which would you save?”

The man ponders for a moment, turns to the other wife, takes her hands in his, and says “my dearest...

What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?

An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

The leg rests have taken over!

Fear the Ottoman Empire!

So Helen Keller walks into a bar . . .

. . . then she walks into a table, she knocks over a lamp, barks her shins on the ottoman, spills a drink . . .

it's fine I'll show myself out.

Every night after dinner, Merle

took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door...

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

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