UPJOKE
poufempireturkeystoolfootstooldynastyseatturkgovernorbyzantinenapoleonconquesthabsburgcouchtransylvania

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What was the ottoman's opinion about Vlad the Impaler?

He was a big pain in the ass.

During a war with the Ottoman Empire, the Habsburg army lost thousands of men in the battle of Karánsebes, and was forced to flee from the battlefield.

Then the Ottomans arrived.

How do you call a female in Ottoman?

Ottoweman

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

What did the Ottoman General say to the Sultan after the Battle of Vienna?

"Sir, we must retreat! We're Otto-men!"

An ottoman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve ottomans in here”, and the ottoman says...

“Well, you oughta, man!”

If an anime was based around the Ottoman Empire...

It would be a literal Harem anime.

The Ottoman Empire...

Really loved to put their feet up.

(such a bad bad joke)

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

I want to open a shop that sells nothing but footstools.

I’ll call it… The Ottoman Empire



…I’ll see myself out.

A wealthy Saudi man comes home one day and finds his two wives fighting about which one he loves more.

As he tries to reassure both of them that he cares for them equally, one asks “if we were all out on your yacht and it started sinking, and you could only save one of us, which would you save?”

The man ponders for a moment, turns to the other wife, takes her hands in his, and says “my dearest...

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

What do you call a Turkish cab driver?

An Ottoman.

What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?

An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

I sat on my Turkish friend yesterday.

Now he's an Ottoman.

What’s the most comfortable empire?

The Ottoman Empire.

And much like that one, I’ll see myself out now.

The leg rests have taken over!

Fear the Ottoman Empire!

Every night after dinner, Merle

took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door...

So Helen Keller walks into a bar . . .

. . . then she walks into a table, she knocks over a lamp, barks her shins on the ottoman, spills a drink . . .

it's fine I'll show myself out.

How do you kill a Byzantine?

You push him into an Ottoman.

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A letter from small mid-european country to world.

Dear World,

First the Romans come to us. They are now just dust in history, while WE are still here. Then Austria-Hungary hold us. The kingdom fell, while WE are still here. The Ottomans try to conquer us. They empire lies in ruin, while WE are still here. Nazis think us allies - they lose ba...

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

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