A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophi...

Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school...

...Liam looked at Noah.

"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"

"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"

"No way dude, that's impossible, ...

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a naked guy walks past

The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third nuns arm is just too short to reach

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A kid is sitting on a bench, eating candy bars

When a man walks over and sits down on the bench next to the kid. He looks over with a disgusted look and says,

“You know kid, you’re gonna die really young if you eat that many chocolate bars.”

To which the kid replies, “Oh, well my grandpa lived to be 105.”

Surprised, the man...

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

Three nuns were sitting in a bench

A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. Two of the nuns had a stroke, the third one couldn't quite reach.

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.

A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.

2 of the old ladies have a stroke.

The other one couldn't reach that far.

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

What's the difference between a musician and a park bench?

A park bench can support your family.

Three Old Ladies sitting on a bench.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, just chatting the day away...like old ladies do.

A man in a trench coat walks up to them and suddenly flashes them with all his glory.

Well, the first old lady has a stroke right away.

The second old lady has a stroke soon after.
...

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

Three old women were sitting on a park bench.

Suddenly, a flasher jumps out of the bushes right in front of them and whips open his trenchcoat!

The first old woman takes one look and has a stroke.

The second old woman takes one look and has a stroke.

The third old woman takes one look but her arms were too short.

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Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.

"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."

The second one then chimes in:

"You...

A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.



“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will d...

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So, there's a guy sitting on the bench in the park.

He looks frustrated and he's whispering to himself: "F\*\*k this. Shit!!."

His friends observes this and comes to him and asks: "Yoo, what happened? What's wrong?"

He turn to his friend: "Do you really wanna know? Take a sit, and I will tell you all about it."

His friend sits ne...

A man wearing a trench coat, with nothing on underneath, walks up to 3 nuns sitting on a park bench. The first 2 nuns were so appalled they gasped and fainted.

The 3rd nun had a stroke.

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Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world.

The first says, “For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.”

The second man replies, “That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.”

“Who is that!? I’ve n...

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish! I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench ehen a kid strolls by

Priest: Hey, we should screw that kid.

Rabbi: Out of what?

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home...

... when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'<...

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

A lady walks into a park, and finds a man lying on a bench, with nothing but a cap over his crotch

The lady says "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your cap". The man replies " If you were any sort of a hot lady, the cap would've lifted itself"

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A woman in the park saw a man crying on the bench.

The woman came up to him and the convo went like this.

"What's wrong? Why're you crying?" The woman asked,

"It's my 22-year-old wife, every day when I wake up she makes love to me in bed, then she gives me breakfast. And after this, I go to work. She takes care of the kids and does eve...

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench

One of the villagers, wearing a trench coat, comes up to them and starts talking to them about the local church fair coming up. Suddenly, without any warning, he opens his trench coat and flashes them!! Two of the nuns had a stroke.

The third couldn’t quite reach.

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.

But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake o...

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

I only have only one vice...

and that's to be screwed on top of my dirty workbench.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

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When did coach Hitler bench a player?

After the third st-reich.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

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A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.

"What's matter?"

"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.

"Um, ah ok, but"

"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.

"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"

"She cleans the ...

Two old men are sitting on a park bench.

The first man takes a look into his friend’s ear and says, “Do you know you’ve got a suppository stuck in your ear?”



“Really?” says the first man. “I had no idea. But I guess that explains where I put my hearing aid.”

Two pregnant women on a bench were talking to each other.

They saw a fat guy with a big belly. On seeing the fat guy, one said, " I will give birth to a handsome boy." On this the other said, " I will give birth to you a beautiful girl."

With intention to make fun of the guy , they asked the fat guy, "What are you gonna give birth to?"

He sa...

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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies.

“Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.”



The third man chimes in ...

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There’s a painting in a museum

There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis. The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, howe...

Did you hear about the man that bench pressed an entire supermarket?

He got arrested for shoplifting.

A Frenchman and a Mexican are sitting on a bench.

The Frenchman will occasionally sniff his fingers and say, "Ah, Fifi. My Fifi."

One day the Mexican asks, "What is this you're doing with the 'Fifi'?"

The Frenchman responds, "Every morning I finger my wife, Fifi, so I can smell her and think of her fondly. "

The next morning t...

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Three old guys are sitting on a park bench,

the first says 'I remember I used to be able to see all the pretty girls go by here. . . now . . . not so much.' The second old guy says 'Yah, it's the vision, it goes, it goes -- but me, I remember being able to smell their perfume as they passed' The first old guy says back 'Yah, it's the sense of...

Two guys are sitting on the bench at fencing class waiting for their turn to spar while watching a couple others practice on the piste

Guy1: You see the guy on the left there? I bet he's got a lot of karma on reddit.

Guy2: Wow! How can you tell?

Guy1: The only thing he knows how to do is riposte.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind her teams bench on the 50 yard line.

After the game he asked her how she liked it.

She replied "oh, I really like it especially all the tight pants and big muscles, but I just don't understand why they were fighting each other over 25 cents."

T...

A guy is sitting on a park bench...

... when he notices something odd about two workmen by the side of the path. The first workman would dig a hole, then the second workman would fill the hole, and the pair would move along a few feet and repeat the process. He is intrigued and watches them a for few minutes, digging and filling hole...

The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.

The physicist says, “The initial measurement ...

Two Old Seniors are sitting on a bench Outside a Nursing Home

They both take sips of their drinks, rocking back and forth slowly. One looks at the other and asks, “How’s your weekend been, George?”

George looks at him. “It’s been amazing. I was taking a walk down the street and I come to a railroad crossing, low-and-behold, a girl was tied up on the tra...

A little boy is crying on a bench in the park.

A passer-by stops and asks him why he is crying.
The boy says: “My mom gave me a dollar to get something from the shop but I lost it, and I’m afraid to go home now!”

The passer-by decides to make the kid’s day and gives him a dollar - but the kid only starts crying louder...
“Why are yo...

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An old man was sitting on a bench...

When a teenage skater punk sat down next to him. The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won't stop staring at him so says to him "What, you've never done anything fun in your life old man?" To which he calmly replies "Got drunk onc...

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A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

He walks up to him and asks “What’s the matter old timer?”

He says “Well I’ve just been married about three months now... she’s a young and beautiful little thing... 28 years old... she loves me. I g...

I was sitting on the bench at the playground ..a woman sitting next to me said "which one is yours? "

I said "I haven't decided yet "

My father was the rector for a local church. He was responsible for making sure all the doors were locked, and for putting away the benches after services.

He really had to mind his keys and pews.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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There is a woman with no arms and no legs crying on a bench at the local lake.

A man notices everyone just walking by her without stopping and starts to feel bad . He goes up to her sits down and says whats wrong ? "I have never even been hugged" she replied. So the man leans over and embraces her, yet she still crys .

What is bothering you now the man asks, "i have ne...

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

Sat on a park bench wondering why a frisbee appears larger and larger the closer it gets..

Then it hit me

Three doctors are sitting on a park bench when a man limps past...

The first doctor sees him and says, “I’ve been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.”

“No way!” says the chiropractor, “I’ve had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can’t you see how crooked his back is?”

“Nope,” says the ortho...

How does a Conservative wizard summon a bench?

BenSh Apiro

An old man is sitting on a park bench

Next to him is a large salt shaker and a bag filled with a bunch of bananas. Periodically the old man takes out a banana, carefully peals it, salts it with the shaker, grimaces, then throws it away in a nearby trashcan.

A woman observes him do this with several bananas and after a while final...

Sketchy neighborhood

>~~Stolen~~ Adapted from a comment thread on LiveLeak...

A guy was driving along in east Los Angeles and got a little thirsty. He pulled over to a little bodega to grab a drink. Because the neighborhood was sketchy, he parked and jumped out and ran inside real fast.

An old loiterer ...

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Two old aged guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, "well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have g...

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi....

A Priest and a Rabbi where sitting on a bench in a park conversing. Moments later when a group of kids walks by one of the kids drops his money and bends over the pick it up.

Forgetting who he was talking to, the priest says: Hey wanna screw that kid?!

The Rabbi replies: Screw him out ...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

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I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great

Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad...

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A man is sitting on his favorite bench in the park, watching kids play and couples stroll by hand in hand, all in all a nice morning.

After a while, he notices two men in the distance, each carrying a shovel. The first one digs a big hole, goes six feet forward, and digs the next. The second one waits about two minutes, and fills the holes again behind his buddy.

This goes on until they have dug and filled ten holes, after ...

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A homeless guy stopped me and demanded I give him £5 for some new shoes.

So I gave him £5 and followed him to see if he got new shoes. He turned down one road, picking up the pace, the end of his baggy jeans scuffing the pavement. He took a sharp left turn down an alleyway, down which I pursued him for some three or four minutes at a safe distance of around three hundred...

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all," the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up ...

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

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Secret of long life.

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The ...

Two olives are sitting on a bench,

one falls off. The other olive says, "Are you ok?".....the fallen one responds, "O-live"

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.

"What's your problem, old man?" yells t...

Tokyo 2020 Olympics would be the longest Olympics we'll ever witness.

Imagine having to go through every athlete's story arc complete with motivational flashbacks and training montages. Plus there will be people on the bench discussing the play-by-play.

2 blondes are sitting on a bench in San Francisco...

One of the blondes says to the other. "Hey, which one is closer; New York or the moon?". The other blonde laughs at the stupidity of the joke.

"Well, duh! Can you see New York from here?"

Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird t...

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench.

One turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..

A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's gaze, the ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the
barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front
of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares
at him.sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the
Devil's drink like that?" she asks...

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3 Men on a bench

At lunch one day, Tom, Dick and Harry are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man comes up and disrobes in front of them.

Tom was so shocked, he had a stroke.

Dick was equally shocked and HE had a stroke.

Harry, being a little older and a little more feeble than the other two.....

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Little Tony was sitting on a park bench

munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years ...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

A man and a woman sit on bench to protect from cold

Man and woman sit close on bench to protect from cold. Woman ask "what you like more, me or potato?" Man answer "you". Woman not believe and ask why. Man say "because potato just dream. You not." But is no man. Woman hallucinate from starve.

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A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"

Man 2: "Yup."

Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."

Man 2: "Cool."

Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"

Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

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