How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

So my girlfriend broke up with me. As payback I stole her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

The guard pulled the switch on the electric chair.

What happens next will shock you.

I recline my chair,

Aaaahhh... That takes me back.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

The CEO of a reclining chair company was fired today...

He was just too laid back.

Young women marrying old rich guys is a lot like musical chairs.

The last one to sit on it wins.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

I tried starting two-legged chair business, but no one would invest.

I guess it just didn't sit well with anybody.

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

I'm not a fan of chairs...

...they go against everything I stand for.

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish man were sentenced to the chair!

The Irishman went first. They pulled the switch but nothing happened.

Surprised, they let him go.

The Italian guy went second. They pulled the switch but again nothing happened.

Now really surprised, they also let him go.

Finally, the Polish bloke enters and says,
"Fir...

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Mark donated 100 chairs to the community center.

It was a very charitable act.

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A young woman that is a quadrapalegic is sitting in her powered chair on the beach. (longish)

A man that looks like a biker is walking by.

She calls to him: "Sir, Sir, could I talk to you please?"

The man looks, shrugs and walks over: "Sure, what's up?"

Girl: "I've always been so alone. Could you hold my hand, just for a moment? Please?"

Biker: "Well, that's simpl...

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Hitler is chairing a Nazi economic meeting.

The Reich’s Commerce Minister is delivering a tremendously boring report on minerals, and Hitler is about to nod off. “We are mining too many ores that are useless to the war effort. We need to mine less,” the minister says.

The Reich’s Chief Engineer, who is a stickler for grammar, is irrita...

I like sitting down on my office chair when it's all the way down.

I don't know why, I just feel more down to earth.

NSFW

Standing on office chairs

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

Toddler car seats and Gaming chairs have a few things in common

They are both designed to provide comfort, both are expensive and most importantly the user always gets carried :)

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

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A husband walks in the door, sits in his favorite chair, and yells to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts!”

The wife brings him a beer and he cracks it, drinking it down quickly.

“Quick it’s going to start soon, bring me another beer!” He shouts. The wife dutifully obeys.

“Ok it’s definitely starting soon, bring me another beer really quick!”

The wife, now frustrated, responds, “Go...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair and a table too.

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old

" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".

"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

" I will have Coco pops,bitch"

WHACK, he flew out...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

To the man in a wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run. (Hopefuly you haven't seen this reposted, I just thought of it)

You are stuck in a locked room with nothing but a mirror and a chair. How do you escape?

You look at the chair, turn around, look in the mirror, see what you saw, take the saw, cut the chair in half, two halves make a whole and you climb through the hole.

What do unused chairs and bad office workers have in common?

They sit at a desk and do nothing all day.

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what t...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Before invention of electricity

Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.

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The barber

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a Twinkie. While she's eating she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."...

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

If a round of musical chairs were played using toilet bowls instead of chairs...

would it be Game of Thrones?

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

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The conductor

There was once a bus conductor who was a dick to everyone. One time when an old lady was getting on the bus, he blew the whistle which resulted in the lady falling off and dying.
The conductor was taken to prison and had to face the electric chair.
The power was turned on but astonishingly, ...

Bush Jr., Obama, and Trump are standing before God...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

so my parents were pointing around the house and they said disa chair, disa table, disa fridge....

Then they pointed at me and said disappointment

My son is so ungrateful

I bought him a trampoline for his birthday, and all he did was sit in his wheel chair and cry

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I went to the doctor today.

He asked me for my stool sample, so I pulled a small chair out of my bag. He yelled at me for wasting his time, and stormed out of the room.

I go home.

Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture.

My nightmare continues.

A man at a bar fell off his chair

The man tried to stand up but couldn't,
He thought he must just be drunk and some air would help so crawled outside,
When outside he tried to stand but couldn't,
He thought he must just be tired so crawled 5 miles home and went to sleep in his bed,
In the morning he woke up and he tr...

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A boy and a Catholic priest go on a fishing trip

The priest catches a large fish.

Boy: *"Look at that bastard!"*
Preacher: *"Watch your language!"*
Boy: *"Sorry father, it's called a Bastard fish".*
Preacher: *Chuckles and says "that's OK then".*

The preacher takes the fish back to the church and hands it to the Bish...

At a restaurant, a girl asked me if I was single.

I said yes, and then she took the chair in front of me,

There once was a job application form

There once was a job application form that said: “help wanted! Looking for people that are bilingual, able to make a computer program and able to make a robot!”, which a street dog was staring at, and it entered the building. The dog then enters the interviewing room and sits on the chair. The inter...

SAS

In ww2 the British were Recutting for the SAS that’s managed to cut it down to 3 people. They gave them each a gun and said go and shoot your wife.

The first man said “no I can’t do it” .

The second man went in and came straight back out.

And the third man shouted “FOR KING AND ...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs?

Patty O’furniture.

My wife was furious at my impulse purchase of a revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

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Some local comedians had just finished up a set at the local comedy club...

So naturally, they sat down at the bar and ordered a round. Now, these guys are pretty fucking funny, and they know every joke in the book. So as they're enjoying their beer, of course, they're cracking jokes with each other. But since they know them so well, they started just referring to them by t...

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THREE DEAD MEN

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Du...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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A little old couple are sitting on their porch side by side in rocking chairs

Out of nowhere, the little old woman reaches over and smacks her husband across the face.

He looks at her in shock and goes, "What the hell was that for?!"

"That's for having a tiny dick to pleasure me with for the past 60 years!"

They go back to rocking back and forth in their ...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

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I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out o...

I hate reclining chairs...

I cant stand them

A conductor harassed a woman on his bus

Charges were filed and the judge sentenced him to death by electric chair.


But it had no effect because he was a bad conductor.

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

An old lady went to visit her dentist

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me madam, you must be mistaken. I'm not your gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.

A pretty woman came up to me in a restaurant and asked if i was single

I smiled happily and answered "yes"

she took the extra chair away from my table.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

A frog walks into a bank

He’s greeted by the receptionist “good afternoon sir, welcome to first national bank, my name is Patty Zwack, how may I help you?”. “Hello Patty, I would like to apply for a loan” said the frog. “Well” said Patty “we usually require collateral, something valuable we can retain if you fail to repay t...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

The only thing that happens when gamers rise up

is their computer chairs get 290lbs lighter.

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

What's the hardest part about being a vegan cannibal?

Getting the vegetables out of the wheelchair.

A aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, saying OMG over and over.

Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

There Were Two Chairs...

One was a homeless chair living on the side of the street, the other was a rich chair strolling on by.
Upon seeing the poor chair, the rich chair goes to the poor chair and offers some money.
The poor chair refuses, saying
"I dont accept humanity."

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

"Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

What do you call a guy on the electric chair who refuses to be blindfolded?

Popeye.

What kind of wood makes the best chairs?

Cherry wood.

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

I saw a kid did not stand at school for his National anthem

On seeing this I was angry and I kicked him out of his wheel chair

Tooth Extraction

Woman at the dentist: "I'd rather get pregnant, than having a tooth pulled!"

Dentist: "Lady, please make up your mind so I can know how to adjust the chair."

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So a guy walks into a bar

He sets down a little man, a little piano, and a little chair and the little man starts to play the little piano. As people start to gather around the man another guy asks “hey, where did you get the little piano player?” The other man replies “there is a genie outside granting wishes” so the other ...

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

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