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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish man were sentenced to the chair!

The Irishman went first. They pulled the switch but nothing happened.

Surprised, they let him go.

The Italian guy went second. They pulled the switch but again nothing happened.

Now really surprised, they also let him go.

Finally, the Polish bloke enters and says,
"Fir...

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

Toddler car seats and Gaming chairs have a few things in common

They are both designed to provide comfort, both are expensive and most importantly the user always gets carried :)

I tried starting two-legged chair business, but no one would invest.

I guess it just didn't sit well with anybody.

You're being strapped into the electric chair.

What happens next will SHOCK you.

Why can’t you lie on an empty chair

Because then da seat full/deceitful

I made this joke idk if it is any good

The CEO of a reclining chair company was fired today...

He was just too laid back.

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

What do you call a sugar daddy in a wheel chair?

Meals on wheels

I'm not a fan of chairs...

...they go against everything I stand for.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

I was dining alone at a restaurant one evening.

In the middle of my meal, a very pretty woman of about 25 came to my table and asked, "Are you single?"

I smiled and nodded.

She took the other chair and brought it back to her table.

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

I like sitting down on my office chair when it's all the way down.

I don't know why, I just feel more down to earth.

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

Request Joke

I am paralysed and in a wheelchair. I can walk a bit. What are some good or dark jokes I can use?

Mark donated 100 chairs to the community center.

It was a very charitable act.

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A young woman that is a quadrapalegic is sitting in her powered chair on the beach. (longish)

A man that looks like a biker is walking by.

She calls to him: "Sir, Sir, could I talk to you please?"

The man looks, shrugs and walks over: "Sure, what's up?"

Girl: "I've always been so alone. Could you hold my hand, just for a moment? Please?"

Biker: "Well, that's simpl...

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

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A husband walks in the door, sits in his favorite chair, and yells to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts!”

The wife brings him a beer and he cracks it, drinking it down quickly.

“Quick it’s going to start soon, bring me another beer!” He shouts. The wife dutifully obeys.

“Ok it’s definitely starting soon, bring me another beer really quick!”

The wife, now frustrated, responds, “Go...

I was wondering why my chair was so light

Turns out it’s 60% air

What do you call an Irishman who likes sitting outside?

Paddy O'chair

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

You are stuck in a locked room with nothing but a mirror and a chair. How do you escape?

You look at the chair, turn around, look in the mirror, see what you saw, take the saw, cut the chair in half, two halves make a whole and you climb through the hole.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.

Guess who came crawling back.

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

What do unused chairs and bad office workers have in common?

They sit at a desk and do nothing all day.

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

If a round of musical chairs were played using toilet bowls instead of chairs...

would it be Game of Thrones?

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes...

To the man in a wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run. (Hopefuly you haven't seen this reposted, I just thought of it)

What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs?

Patty O’furniture.

My wife was furious at my impulse purchase of a revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

A man at a bar fell off his chair

The man tried to stand up but couldn't,
He thought he must just be drunk and some air would help so crawled outside,
When outside he tried to stand but couldn't,
He thought he must just be tired so crawled 5 miles home and went to sleep in his bed,
In the morning he woke up and he tr...

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After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife resp...

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

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A little old couple are sitting on their porch side by side in rocking chairs

Out of nowhere, the little old woman reaches over and smacks her husband across the face.

He looks at her in shock and goes, "What the hell was that for?!"

"That's for having a tiny dick to pleasure me with for the past 60 years!"

They go back to rocking back and forth in their ...

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering...

A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes"

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

I hate reclining chairs...

I cant stand them

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I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.

Fast-forward to day of execution.

Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"

Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"

Guard: "The electric current is going ...

There Were Two Chairs...

One was a homeless chair living on the side of the street, the other was a rich chair strolling on by.
Upon seeing the poor chair, the rich chair goes to the poor chair and offers some money.
The poor chair refuses, saying
"I dont accept humanity."

What do you call a guy on the electric chair who refuses to be blindfolded?

Popeye.

I've been on death row for a while now, and today's the day I found out it'll be via electric chair.

I was shocked.

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

What kind of wood makes the best chairs?

Cherry wood.

A joke about the Chairman of the Board and his wife.

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office ...

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

What do you call an Irish Garden Chair?

Paddy O’Furniture...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

I met a girl online that was in a wheel chair.

We agreed to meet up for drinks but she stood me up.

I really wish this wasn't a true story.

What’s in common between a chair and a table?

They are both not hummus

A friend told me this joke and I almost died...

What do you call two people in a wheel chair?

A pair of plegics.

Smart blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric cha...

My dad hanged himself recently. We decided to set up a committee in his honour.

However, we thought it would be inappropriate to have a chair.

Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty...

An uncreative man who cant think of a User ID buys a chair on Amazon.

*Username* checks out.

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the che...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

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What do chairs think about all day?

“Oh, jeez. Here comes another asshole”

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to C...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old

" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".

"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

" I will have Coco pops,bitch"

WHACK, he flew out...

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A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible. ...

An American, a German, and a Frenchman are all on Death Row, waiting for the electric chair.

(Disclaimer: I am American)

The Frenchman is called forward by the executioner first. The executioner asks him what he has to say for himself, and the Frenchman says that he is not guilty, that it’s a mistake. The executioner flips the switch on the chair, and nothing happens. He says to hims...

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Jim leaves a bar at 2 am...

And he’s completely shitfaced. He’s not ready to call it a night, though, so he goes for a walk through the forest behind the bar. As he’s walking along, Jim comes across a bear. Being the stupid drunk fucker he is, Jim decides to try befriending the bear by offering it a high five.

Somehow t...

I love to hunt lounge chairs...

It's not the kill that excites me, it's the thrill of the chaise.

My coworker keeps trying to blatantly steal my chair while I'm supposed to be working.

I won't stand for this.

3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets naked and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night?

Their drug dealer

I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs.

I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers.

A man is sentenced to death by electric chair

...but he’s so obese he doesn’t fit into one. They keep him on a diet for a week, but he gains 10 more pounds. So they start giving him just bread and water, but he gains another 10 pounds. So they start giving him water only, and yet he gains 10 pounds in a week. “Why the hell you wouldn’t lose we...

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An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the le...

Bush Jr., Obama, and Trump are standing before God...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

My blonde girlfriend and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled, “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out that door!”

I replied, “The plane hasn’t landed yet.”

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There's an old widow sitting in her rocking chair

There's an old widow is sitting in her rocking chair. One day, sitting in her rocking chair, she says to herself "It's about darn time I got married!" So she stands up and walks to the computer and posts an ad on Craigslist.

The ad says: "HUSBAND WANTED! He must never beat me, he must never ...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

Why are there no chairs in the Democratic National Headquarters?

Because everyone is left leaning.

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