Cop: sit on that chair, we're gona interrogate you.

Lawyer: *whispering* deny everything.
Me: *loudly* thats not a chair!

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

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A chair asks his dad “dad why aren’t you a high chair?”

The dad chair says “because I’m not 15 and I have shit to do”.

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

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[NSFW] Do you know the difference between a dick and a chair?

If not, you'd rather watch out where you sit!

I spend the mornings in my rocking chair, and in the afternoon I go out in my wheelchair.

I’ve got a real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

A backpacker finds a small village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny bar

He walks into the bar and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 7!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

My boss told me my chair was NSFW...

One of the wheels was missing!

[Ad] We asked 100 people what it’s like getting the chair..

The results will shock you…

Racing game chair for sale!

Complete with skid marks!

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

I got my 3rd shot today. I asked my nurse if she knew what the chair I sat in was called...

I told her.. "it's a booster seat"

What do you call an Irish guy who sells lawn chairs?

Patty O'Furniture

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over taking a drink from a water stream

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis t...

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Ten. But number four will shock you.

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What does standing on a rolling chair and sex have in common?

Both are *Not Safe for Work*

If anyone has no family and will be alone on thanksgiving please let me know

I really need to borrow some chairs from you.

Twenty years ago...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a...

What does a chair say to another?

Nothing, because chairs don't speak.


(When I created this joke I laughed at it for a week)

My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

What's the difference between my chair and my mistress?

One has the backrest

The other has the best rack

My dog has picked out her favorite chair in our living room.

It's a bark-a-lounger.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

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Grandpa was talking to his Grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

A stranger comes up and sits on the chair besides me.

"My week has been horrible," he says.

"What happened?" I asked.

"It only gets worse and worse for each day," he says,.

"Tell me about it."

"On Monday I was fired," he said.

"On Tuesday I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me."

"On Wednsday my parents d...

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

3 people are interviewing for a job at the CIA

All 3 have interviewed and performed extremely well and it's time for their final test. They arrive and see a door leading into a sound proof room.

"Enter the room, read the note card, and carry out your orders" the interviewing agent says.

The first applicant enters the room, closes t...

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shi...

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

A tourist walks into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker.

He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, but he’s not too bright. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

A blind man walks into a bar..

..and then a chair and then a table.

Roger was a simple man but everyone in town knew him.

For many decades he worked alone at his picture framing store, Abbott's Framing, which was on Main St. and he would often sit outside on a chair, chatting with many of the locals. One day old Roger passed away and they held his funeral under a big oak tree with a large framed picture of him sporting...

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A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

An American, Brit, and Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

“I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Moth...

My girlfriend broke up with me. So I took her wheel chair and...

Guess who came crawling back.

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Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast an...

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

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ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stup...

Old Man Jack married an old maid

Life had been hard on old Ethel. But they were truly in love, and their families agreed it was best for them to live out their final days in joy.

On their wedding night, Jack lay on the bed and watched his new bride undress.

She took out her glass eye and placed it in a velvet case....

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

To a disabled person in a wheelchair, who stole my invisibility cloak:

You can hide, but you can't run!

An eighty-year-old couple is having problems remembering things

So they go to the doctor to get checked out. They describe to the doctor the problems they are each having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. The couple thanks ...

Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was compl...

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed.

The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who ...

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we’re discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to s...

Steven Seagal still does his own Stunts

He never leaves sitting in chairs to stunt people.

A Man Calls Home to His Wife...

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, "Hello ". The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, "Sir, your wife... Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!". The husband is shocked and doesn't speak for a minute....

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Did you hear about Mickey and Minnie?

They’re going through a real rough divorce. Things got so chaotic in the courtroom—Minnie was screaming, Mickey threw a chair—that the judge took Mickey back into his quarters to calm him down.

As he’s talking to him the judge says “I just don’t understand it you guys seemed so happy. And th...

Banta the Furniture dealer



Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.


After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

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Who said it

It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandra,...

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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."

A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.

The boots are sucked right in.

He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.

He...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it.

Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him,...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

A man is sitting in his easy chair watching the football game when his wife comes in and slaps him in the face.

He says,”What was that for!”

She says,”I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!”

The man says,” oh that’s just the name of the horse I was going to bet on”

A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game...

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

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A Jew, an Italian and a Polish parson are waiting to be executed by electric chair...

The Jew steps out first, warden asks him if he has any last words, he Mentions that his uncle is a doctor and the warden flips the switch. Nothing Happens. The warden says, “you lucky son of a bitch,” one in 1 million chance it doesn’t work, your free to go.”

The Italian steps up next. The w...

3,000 male cows are playing musical chairs. What happens when the music stops?

A whole lot of bulls sit.

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair

Guess he really loved Revolutions after all.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

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A man dies and goes to hell

When he get there he's welcomed by Satan he tells him I have three doors for you and behind each one there's a kind of hell that you're going to spend all of eternity. Behind door number 1 is a bunch of people as far as the eye can see standings on their heads on concrete floor. Behind number 2 ther...

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf...

I went with the ladder.

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

Honey, I need you to come chair shopping with me!

Because I’m a bad judge of chairacter.

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I fell off my chair at the bar and pooped my pants

I guess I had a loose stool.

If the 2nd Amendment were a religion, what kind of chairs would their churches have?

Pew pews.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

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An American, Englishman and a Russian applied to be CIA agents.

They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and they have to kill her. The american goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

-"I couldn't do it, I'm sorry." He says a...

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

What do you call a good looking chair?

Chair-is-matic!

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

TIFU by going to my PCP NSFW

So I go in like an every other time of physical I've had, get through the whole shpeal with the doc and he turns to me and says "You're due for your prostrate exam. Go ahead bend over the chair and drop your pants"

Nervous as I was getting my pants off I asked "Where should I put my pants?"...

I tried to make a joke about a broken chair that I ate

But it didn’t sit well in my stomach.

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

Ding ding ding

So this woman tired of the norm puts an ad in the newspaper for a husband. It says, "He must never beat on me, he must never follow me when I go out with friends and he must be amazing in bed".

The next day her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man in a wheel chair with no arms and...

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

< Hell Around The World >



A man from Russia dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell
for each country. He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails...

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A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

Morecambe and Wise non-joke (they never got to the punchline)

There were two old men sat in deck chairs. One says: "It's nice out". The other says "Yes, I think I'll get mine out too."

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games?

Because it's last person standing wins.

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

Why did the deceased mans family remove his chair from the living room.

The carpet was getting depressed.

Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

I recline my chair,

Aaaahhh... That takes me back.

Chapped Lips

An old Texas cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger," said the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff," said the cow...

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

I met an Irishman who told me he sold outdoor tables and chairs for a living

His name was Paddy O’Furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man who is a veteran of the great war was sitting in his chair next to his fireplace as usual when his grandchildren came for a cool story...

The kids asked "Grandpa grandpa! Tell us a story from your times of war before bed! Please please pleeease..."
The man is sick of telling those stories because they always remind him of the bad times and out of anger, he goes:

-One day when we were in the trench, the enemy got us outnumber...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

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