How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

To the man in a wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run. (Hopefuly you haven't seen this reposted, I just thought of it)

My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.

Guess who came crawling back.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs?

Patty O’furniture.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

I Identify as a chair

Why, because I have nice legs and want girls to sit on me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife resp...

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

My wife was furious at my impulse purchase of a revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little old couple are sitting on their porch side by side in rocking chairs

Out of nowhere, the little old woman reaches over and smacks her husband across the face.

He looks at her in shock and goes, "What the hell was that for?!"

"That's for having a tiny dick to pleasure me with for the past 60 years!"

They go back to rocking back and forth in their ...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes...

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

I hate reclining chairs...

I cant stand them

There Were Two Chairs...

One was a homeless chair living on the side of the street, the other was a rich chair strolling on by.
Upon seeing the poor chair, the rich chair goes to the poor chair and offers some money.
The poor chair refuses, saying
"I dont accept humanity."

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

Can any of you think of any jokes about ejector chairs? I am trying to think of one for a powerpoint

So far all i have come up with is. something about helicopters

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

A joke about the Chairman of the Board and his wife.

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office ...

What do you call a guy on the electric chair who refuses to be blindfolded?

Popeye.

What do you call an Irish Garden Chair?

Paddy O’Furniture...

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

An uncreative man who cant think of a User ID buys a chair on Amazon.

*Username* checks out.

what do you call a nun in a wheel chair?

Virgin Mobile

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.

Fast-forward to day of execution.

Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"

Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"

Guard: "The electric current is going ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering...

I met a girl online that was in a wheel chair.

We agreed to meet up for drinks but she stood me up.

I really wish this wasn't a true story.

What’s in common between a chair and a table?

They are both not hummus

A friend told me this joke and I almost died...

What kind of wood makes the best chairs?

Cherry wood.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

What do you call two people in a wheel chair?

A pair of plegics.

A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes"

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do chairs think about all day?

“Oh, jeez. Here comes another asshole”

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the che...

Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."

A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.

The boots are sucked right in.

He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.
...

My dad hanged himself recently. We decided to set up a committee in his honour.

However, we thought it would be inappropriate to have a chair.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

An American, a German, and a Frenchman are all on Death Row, waiting for the electric chair.

(Disclaimer: I am American)

The Frenchman is called forward by the executioner first. The executioner asks him what he has to say for himself, and the Frenchman says that he is not guilty, that it’s a mistake. The executioner flips the switch on the chair, and nothing happens. He says to hims...

My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

My coworker keeps trying to blatantly steal my chair while I'm supposed to be working.

I won't stand for this.

Smart blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric cha...

I love to hunt lounge chairs...

It's not the kill that excites me, it's the thrill of the chaise.

3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets naked and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night?

Their drug dealer

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to C...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jim leaves a bar at 2 am...

And he’s completely shitfaced. He’s not ready to call it a night, though, so he goes for a walk through the forest behind the bar. As he’s walking along, Jim comes across a bear. Being the stupid drunk fucker he is, Jim decides to try befriending the bear by offering it a high five.

Somehow t...

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the le...

An orchestra is tuning up for a challenging concerto; all but the first chair oboist.

She is not preparing for her performance. As the draw of the curtains approached, the conductor could no longer abide her inaction. He gritted, "why are you not preparing? Why haven't you habituated your instrument?" She retorted, "I don't believe in oboe warming."

My blonde girlfriend and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled, “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out that door!”

I replied, “The plane hasn’t landed yet.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

​

As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

​

As ...

Why are there no chairs in the Democratic National Headquarters?

Because everyone is left leaning.

I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs.

I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers.

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt in his hand. He puts the asphalt on the chair next him and says to the bartender:

“One beer for me and one for the road.”

The other day, I ordered a table and chair, but the chair was never delivered.

I wasn't going to stand for it. I marched straight into the chairman's office and took a seat.

There's an old widow sitting in her rocking chair

There's an old widow is sitting in her rocking chair. One day, sitting in her rocking chair, she says to herself "It's about darn time I got married!" So she stands up and walks to the computer and posts an ad on Craigslist.

The ad says: "HUSBAND WANTED! He must never beat me, he must never ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

Wheelchairs should have pedals on them

So if you get tired of using your arms you can pedal

Don’t lean back on your chair

“You shouldn’t lean back on your chair you’ll become spastimacated”

“I don’t think that’s how you say it”

“That’s how he says it now”

Credit to Russell Howard

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible. ...

What do you call Michael J. Fox spinning around in a chair?

A fidget spinner

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

What do kings call musical chairs?

A game of thrones.

I dated a girl in a wheel chair once.

it was a tough relationship tho. Have you ever heard the saying "If you love her then let her go, and if she comes back then it was meant to be"?

Well don't let her go on a hill by a lake, cause she don't come back

You can't cook vegetables in the microwave.

The wheelchairs don't fit.

What's the difference between a backless chair and a stool?

I don't have a backless chair fetish.

Why was the couch afraid of the chair?

The chair was armed.

I'd tell you this joke I have about a chair...

...but I'm just going to sit on it awhile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place...

My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked my daughter, square in the eyes and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”

My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

Without chairs

we'd have squat.

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...

...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair?

he was a bad conductor.

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...