UPJOKE
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Perch Jokes

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says to the other:

"Can you smell fish?"

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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

A wife decides to surprise her husband at the office one day, and finds him on the phone with his hot secretary perched on his lap.

The husband catches sight of his wife at the same time. Without missing a beat, he says into the phone, "And in conclusion, Gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I can't be expected to continue running this office with only one chair."

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

how do you keep a parrot on it's perch?

Use poligrip.

Two birds land on a perch

One says to the other, "Something smells fishy."

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

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What do you call a rock monster sucking dick while perched atop a cathedral?

Garglegoyle.

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Parrot Perch

A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him, but he could not find time to prove it since they worked opposite shifts. He soon came up with the idea to get a talking Parrot and hide it in the closet of the bedroom while he was gone.

He went to the local pet store and the clerk said we o...

Saw two crows perched on a fence together

It was an attempted murder.

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

The ugly lady

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her,

\- "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same par...

This park ranger is doing his rounds in the woods

When he stumbles upon a guy sitting by a fire, his rifle leaning against a tree, roasting a bald eagle. The ranger immediately arrests the guy and drag him to his cruiser. Eventually the case goes to court, the judge is outraged and asks if he has anything to say for himself before going to jail. Th...

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There's a black rooster perched on the roof of a house.

This joke takes participation...

So there's a black rooster perched on the roof of a house at sunset... how many feet does it have?

Two

Right. How many wings does it have?

Two

Correct. How many beaks does it have?

One

Good. Sitting directly next to t...

I spent way too much time, perched uncomfortably, trying to figure out exactly where my property ends and my neighbors property begins.

I'm *still* on the fence

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Parrot Voyeur

A man went to a pet store where he saw a parrot hopping around in his cage saying, "Buy me. Buy me."

"Why should I buy you? What's different about you?"

"I don't have any legs."

"How do you sit on your perch?"

"I just wrap my dick around it and hold on."

So he boug...

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

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A man was worried his wife was cheating on him.

He decided to buy a parrot to spy on his wife. He went to the pet store and the salesman said a Parrot costs $200.00. The man only had $50.00 so he asked if there was any other other parrots. The salesman said, “We have one parrot we can sell you but he doesn’t have any legs”. Astounded the man aske...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it kno...

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Man buys a parrot after his wife leaves him

A man's wife leaves him and he is lonely so he decides to go to a pet shop to alleviate his depravity.

He walks into the pet shop and one of the first things he notices is a parrot perched in a cage.

The parrot immediately starts talking "You're wonderful I love you your the greatest I...

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Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave hi...

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

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Lady walks by a pet store

Lady walks by a pet store, and outside there's a parrot sitting on a perch. The parrot looks at the lady and says..

Parrot: Heeey lady....
Lady: What?
Parrot: You're reaaallly fucking ugly!

Next day, lady walks by the pet store, parrot sitting outside on the perch...

Pa...

I'm Thor!

One day, while looking upon the world from his perch high upon Valhalla, Thor is starting to feel his oats. To put it more bluntly, it's been a while since he's been laid.

He jumps down to earth and sees a comely farm girl. No words are spoken-- he just sweeps her off her feet and they make w...

A preacher buys a parrot

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Warning: some trivial animal harm

In honor of my giant bald spot I saw today: Once there was a priest who had a highly trained parrot. The bird would sit on a perch at the entrance to the sanctuary during weddings. When guests arrived, he would squawk ,"bride's side or groom's side?", then would fly down to the correct pew and pe...

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

A parrot walks into a bar

A parrot walks into a bar, slaps a small fish on top of the barstool, then stands on the fish and orders a drink. "What's with the fish?" the bartender asks. The parrot replies, "This is my perch."

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Dysfunctional Parrot

Jim goes to the pet store, looking to buy a parrot. They’re all pretty expensive except one, which is $20. He asks, “Hm what’s wrong with you?” To his surprise the parrot responds, “Well, I’m a dysfunctional parrot. I have no legs and I can’t fly. But I AM a great companion! I’m fluent in three lang...

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A man walks into a bar

(Stop me if you've heard this before)

Once seated on an bar stool, he proceeds to order a beer. As he's killing off his first beer with his head tilted back, he noticed a monkey on a ledge overlooking the mirror behind the bar. Right underneath the monkey, a sign with, "Monkey trick $5" writt...

A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary...

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer doo...

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Another parrot joke.

A society woman receives a parrot as a gift. She quickly teaches the parrot to announce the various guests who arrive at her many parties. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." As Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrived, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and M...

The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by.

He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well.

The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. "That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!"

A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?"

"Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, y...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

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A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop.

The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pret...

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A man and wife and the captain of a small charter boat capsized and ended up stranded on a deserted island.

It was a very small island with one solitary palm tree.Each day the captain and the husband of the wife would take turns climbing the tree to look for rescue vessels.This went on for days then weeks.The captain was starting to get restless and horny so he came up with a plan.He was high up in the tr...

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Morning Poem

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and ...

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This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

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A man goes into a pet shop and sees a parrot with no feet...

...but he has an exceptionally long penis, and he uses it to stay on his perch. He is well spoken and talks almost as well as any person, and has quite the intellect.

But because he has no feet, no one has ever been keen to buying him. The parrot says, "Sir, if you take me home, I will do m...

Cold Turkey

Guy buys a parrot and when he gets home, he discovers that it won’t stop cussing.

After a few days of embarrassment and covering his kids’ ears, he threatens the parrot.

“I’m gonna send you to go live in the freezer if you don’t clean up your act!”

The parrot: “F*** off, A**ho...

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The priest and the parrot

A priest moved to a new, remote parish and was feeling lonely. To keep him company, he went to the pet store to buy a parrot. Unfortunately, parrots are quite expensive, and he couldn't afford one.

Feeling sorry for him, the store owner told him, "Well, I do have this one parrot, but it was o...

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Parrot on the Street

A lady is walking down the street to work, and she passes by this pet shop. Outside the pet shop, is a parrot sitting on a perch, who looks at the lady, squawks and says "Hey lady.. you're ugly".

The lady is annoyed and continues on her way to work.

The next morning, she is walking to...

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Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

I took my pet woodpecker with me on a walk downtown. Lots of people were pointing and staring. Finally a cop walks up, points in the direction of my woodpecker and said "'Scuse me sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to put away your pecker."

So I said, "well where is my bird going to perch then?"

The Parrot Says ...

A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?"
And the parrot says: "Africa."

I’m giving away my legless parrot for free.

No perches necessary.

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

walked into a bar

A woman walked into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder.

She ordered a drink for herself and the newt.

Whats its name? asked the bartender

'Tiny' said the woman.

'why do you call it Tiny?'

'Because he's my newt'

A man was looking after a parrot for his brother.

For several days he was bombarded loudly at all hours by its swearing and noisy intrusions. His warnings to behave were ignored. Eventually, in frustration, he opened its cage, grabbed it, and threw it into his freezer. After five minutes he relented and replaced it on its perch. It was suddenly hum...

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The Talking Bird

Alright, so there is this guy that I am friends with who's job has been sending him away on business trips lately. He is away from home for sometimes 4-5 days at a time. He is married. No kids. This wife of his, well, she is super fuckin' hot. Like, she is at least a 9/10 and she knows it too. ...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

One day a man’s daughters came to him and circled round

“Papa,” said the first one, “why did you name me Lily?”

“Because when you were a baby a pedal from a lily blew in the window and landed on your head,” he said.

“And why did you name me Robin?” the next one asked.

“Because when you were a baby a robin flew in the window and perch...

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One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

Little Timmy and lateral thinking...

In class the teacher asks Timmy "There are five birds perched on a branch. The hunter shoots one. How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam."

Teacher: "No. Listen. Five birds on a branch, the hunter shoots one...How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam. The others got scar...

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Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

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A couple of parrots

An attractive young woman who was scantily dressed and wearing a cross, approached a priest after 8:00 Mass on Sunday morning and told him in confidence, "Father, I have a problem… I have two female parrots but they can only say one thing", and then she whispered in the priest's ear, 'Hi, we’re hot…...

So a Doctor walks into a bar...

As he takes a seat at the bar, he looks up in confusion wondering why he can't locate the bartender and whether or not he should be concerned by the mouse perched behind the bar looking him dead in the eye. The mouse squeaks, "What'll you have, doc?" Taken aback and considering the possibility of ha...

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So a crow is in the woods...

Perched on top of a tree and is relaxing smoking weed. A lizard nearby smells it an looks up and sees this crow way up on the top of this tree. So the lizard asks "hey! Wanna share?"
"Sure I don't mind, come on up"replies the crow.
"Great but let me go get some water first, one sec." Said the...

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

A cannibal is teaching his son how to hunt ...

Hiding on top of a tree by a busy trail, the father and son are sizing up their potential meals. The son was always eager to jump whenever someone walks by, but always the patient father held him back for various reasons : too many ppl in a group. Too strong a target. Too risky etc.

Finally ...

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Bear Exterminator

A man has a bear perched on the roof of his house. He has tried everything to get the bear off the house but nothing works. So finally he gives up and calls the bear exterminator.

The bear exterminator shows up in an old pickup with a huge cage in the back. After he surveys the situation he b...

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Parrot Joke

A lady walking to work evryday passes by a pet shop. Out on the sidewalk sits a parrot on his perch. As she passes the parrot goes "HEY LADY." she looks at him and says "yes" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly." The lady gets her panties in a knot and walks off in a huff.

The next da...

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

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Boy discovers where babies come from

Boy that lives in the country is coming of age and starting to discover himself. He goes out in the woods and is touching himself when suddenly something shoots out of his penis and lands on a rock.

Concerned that something is wrong with him he runs back home to tell his dad what happened. H...

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.

"Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.

"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."

The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want ...

Screw anyone

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, y...

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The 4 Year Old Builder

A young family moved into a house next to an empty plot in Corringham, Essex. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 4 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the work...

Son of a beech?

An oak and a maple were standing at the edge of a bluff gazing out over the vast expanse when they noticed a young sapling in the glen below.

"Oh look," said the oak. "A young son of a beech."

"Actually I think it's son of a birch," said the maple.

They turned to a male woodpe...

A Jewish grandmother takes her grandson to the ocean...

The boy, dressed for a blustery day, is frolicking near the shore when a large wave crashes over him and carries him away.

The grandmother frantically searches but cannot find him. She weeps and hails above crying out to whatever force might listen "why, why, why, please he is only an inno...

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How to tell time.

An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking
the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing
the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at
their ramshackle hotel - the only one in town and which
always served meals promptly. They came upon...

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A man's best friend

A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around...

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